23 - Stop Being A Good Girl

Stop Being A Good Girl is a transformative episode designed to empower women to break free from societal expectations and reclaim their authentic selves. In this episode, I dive deep into the patterns of people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, and toxic relationships that often hold women back. Through candid conversations, actionable advice, and inspiring stories, Stop Being A Good Girl encourages listeners to prioritize their own needs, embrace their inner strength, and create a life that truly reflects their worth. 

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Transcript

Hello friends, this is Darla Ridilla of You Have the Power, the Road to Recovery from Trauma and Narcissistic Abuse. And I'm so excited that you're here today because I'm actually doing my very first video recording. And I have to say I'm completely overwhelmed. I have no idea what I'm doing. And the quality may not be as great as I'd like it to be as I learned the software, but it's going to get better. just bear with me. I am following some advice that I heard once on a podcast.

That said it's better to do something and have it not be perfect than to not do it at all. So I am following that process. I am jumping off the cliff. I'm figuring out how to do this as I fall. But today's topic is going to be Stop Being a Good Girl. And I actually had another topic that I was going to talk about today, which I will probably release next week. But something happened to me just last night. I've also had a couple of conversations with people either on other podcasts or just in my networking groups that have really brought this topic to the forefront. I'm feeling a little bit passionate about it today. So I want to share that with you. 

So what do I mean by stop being a good girl? We are not talking about breaking the law. We are not talking about being destructive. We are not talking about talking to people in an unproductive manner, rude manner. What we're talking about is over the generations, women have been expected to be quiet. We have been expected to obey. We have been suppressed, oppressed, whatever the word is that you want to use. And it's time that we find our voice. While there have been many improvements over the years, if you think back to past generations, were not allowed to earn property. They weren't allowed to vote. And we have all of those wonderful things. But there is still an undercurrent in our society that women don't have the right to speak up for their needs, for their desires, and also to stop men from seeing us as objects, treating us like objects. And when we stand up for ourselves, they act like we're a bitch and we're being unreasonable. 

So it's time ladies, because one of the things I said on a podcast earlier this week is, while women are more into personal development into bettering ourselves, I think we're just hardwired that way from a biological standpoint, there's another side of that. I do think we are entering into an age of Aquarius where the feminine energy is coming in and a lot of men are getting more in touch with their soft side. Now that being said, I do not believe in emasculating men. I do think that they should be the leader. I do think they should be the man. I want a manly man. I want someone who's going to protect me, who's going to be a leader, who's going to show me compassion because there's also that softer side. And there are some wonderful models out in the world that are emulating that, whether it's Matthew Hussey, he's the main person I think of. He's someone who has boundaries, but he's also in touch with his emotional side. He has emotional intelligence. And I think it's time that men upgrade and they start developing that.

Women become more empowered as we come more in touch with who we are and we start to really get down to the nitty-gritty of truly loving ourselves having that self validation. Men are gonna have to step up or their selection of partners also, as ours are now, are going to be limited and quite frankly why wouldn't you want to? Why would you want to be stuck in a rut? Have all of these relationships or experiences that aren't serving you that are bringing you on happiness, why would you want that? 

So let me give you some examples. I live in a small town. And yes, not talking from a place of lack, but a place of reality. It's my primarily a retirement community. So that means that there's a gap for a middle aged woman, there's either a lot of men that are younger than me, or who are older than me. And I quite frankly want someone within a certain age range of my own age. I don't want someone who's so young that he's like a son, or a man who's so much older than me. He's more like a father or a grandfather. I just don't want that. I want someone who's active, who's more like me who thinks like me. And the dating poll is pretty limited. As far as numbers go. 

But then there's an additional challenge where I live. And I think this happens a lot in certain areas, particularly small towns. There are several generations of people who live here. And what I'm hearing more and more in my local circles is there's a couple of things going on, not just in dating relationships, relationships, but in the, the culture altogether. There's an attitude of we've always done it this way, whether it's a business or whether it's how relationships populate here. And there is a real resistance to change. And there's a fixed mindset. And that really needs to go. No matter where you are, whether you're in a small town, we are in 2025. It's time to get with it. And it's time to stop having all these old patriarchal, oppressive thought patterns, particularly with women.

So yeah, it's a good old boys network here and I refuse to play. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to accept it. And yes, I am very outspoken and I'm becoming more outspoken because I'm getting fed up. I'm not an object. I'm not a possession. I am a woman. I'm a queen and I want to be treated that way. So I'm going to wait it out. Whether it's here or wherever it is I move, it doesn't matter. I am not going to take less than I deserve just because there's less to pick from. 

So I had an incident last night that kind of sparked my passion about this topic today. There's a gentleman in my circles who I'm just a casual friend with and when I'm single, I will dance with him. And the last couple of times that he's danced with me, his hands have wandered a little bit too much, not aggressively, but just enough that he's crossing the line. And it's been really bothering me and I didn't really know the right time to address it, but I knew it should have been addressed immediately the very first time he did it on the dance floor. So I saw him last night and it was actually kind of quiet. The band was just getting warmed up and I decided that this is it, just do it. You need to set a boundary with him.

This cannot continue. It's demeaning. It's disrespectful. And I am disrespecting myself by continuing to allow this behavior. So I did pull him aside. I do believe that we have to react to these situations, how they are in context. So for an example, two years ago, about two years ago, there was another man in my circle who openly slapped the ass of one of my friends on the dance floor. He publicly disrespected her so I publicly called him out. I felt because he did something very overtly and very publicly that he deserved to be embarrassed in front of everyone. And so I let him know that under no circumstances was he to ever demean my friend again. This gentleman, it was more of a covert thing. It isn't any less of a problem, but I felt like because he wasn't making a scene about it that I should not make a scene about it. That it was better that I take him aside privately where the conversation would not be overheard because the object was not to embarrass him. It was to hold him accountable. And my hope was that he would be accountable so we could continue to be casual friends. 

So we went outside because the band was just starting to warm up and it was getting a little loud, which was probably better anyway. And this is what I said to him. I said, look, the last couple of times I've danced with you your hands have gotten a little too friendly and I don't tolerate that behavior. If it happens again I'm not going to dance with you anymore. I value our friendship and I enjoy dancing with you but this can't continue. So he initially said no it won't happen again so there was this hope of okay good I think he's going to take accountability but as we were walking back inside, as we're going through the door, he made some comment, I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was basically like, I don't know what you're talking about or whatever, but okay, it won't happen again. But he denied what he did. He didn't take accountability and he tried to brush me off, which really pissed me off. So I immediately turned around and I said, you did it and it won't happen again. And then I walked away.

Because he decided not to take accountability and because he tried to invalidate me and tried to put me in my place, that friendship is done now. I won't hug him. I'm not going to hang around with him. I'm not going to dance with him because his disrespect means he doesn't deserve my time or my friendship. Now there's the other side of it that his reaction was bad, which often happens because men who do this, who treat women as objects, who think they have the right to do anything they want with their bodies. And when you confront them, you're the bad guy, they are emotionally unavailable. They don't have emotional intelligence and they have this mentality that they have the right to do this. So no, they aren't going to react well. But let's remember something that their reaction is not our responsibility. What's important is that we stand up for ourselves. We lay that boundary and we hold it. It's up to them. But if they cross it, then there are consequences. His consequences, he's not my friend anymore. And that's sad. It's very sad. But it is what it is. I think it's more sad for him because he's not going to evolve. He's going to just be angry and think I've been unreasonable and how dare she say that. But that's his problem. 

We need to stop being a good girl also in our relationships. Let's stop having men cross our boundaries. Let's raise our standards and let's hold them. And if they don't, rise to the occasion, and they choose not to, they don't want to, they don't want to get therapy, or they don't want to, you know, work on a relationship in a constructive manner, then we really have to think about that. Is this something I really want to continue? Is this what I deserve? You know, and there's all different answers for that. How long have you been in that relationship? Is this something that you need to work on a little bit longer? Or, you know, with my case, I was very early into a relationship where I started to see red flags where he wasn't going to work on himself and blatantly refused. And so then I walked away immediately. 

But being a good girl, that is something that's been handed down to us. And we've got to stop. We have got to start speaking our truth, regardless of what people think of us. We've got to put on our crown, and we've got to be strong. And we need to really hold men accountable. And maybe in that process, men who are ready to evolve are going to start rising to the occasion. Maybe they're going to start working on themselves. Maybe they're going to start seeing women are really coming of age. Maybe it's time I do the same because I would really like to have a good happy relationship with a woman and I'm finding I can't. And whether they do or they don't, it's still important for you to do it for yourself. Part of self love is really not just getting to know yourself, it's also really developing that inner validation from you, that you should not be getting from men. You should not be settling.

To kind of talk more about the culture that I am discovering more and more, I do not fit in with a culture here. I love where I live in Arizona. But these past few weeks, it's becoming more and more apparent to me that I don't belong here. And that's okay, because I was going to be leaving anyway in the next year. That's all right. But it's really kind of validating it. And it's almost like the universe is knocking on my head and saying, you know, you don't belong here anymore. Your time has come. It's time to go. 

But to go back to what I was saying, when I went through my last breakup, and I went out to dinner with a friend and I was talking about it, one of the things she said to me was, and this is the mentality of the women in this town too, so I'm speaking to the women as well. Well, you know, there's just, there's not a lot here. Can't you just get back together with him because there's not a lot to choose from. And my immediate answer was absolutely not. I would rather be alone than take anyone back because that's not what I deserve. That's not what I want. The mentality of, it's better to have something than nothing, just blows me away. Well, 20 years ago, I was like that. I was very codependent. I didn't see the validation in myself without others giving it to me. So I understand why she's where she is and I still love her dearly and I still respect her highly. But that line of thinking really shocked me.

And so I really want to invite women to stop thinking that way. Be okay with being by yourself if that's what it takes. First of all, to get yourself straight, but also to find that relationship. Because if you're taking the crap that's given to you, you are not giving space for something better to move in. And while moving on, take a moment and decide what can I learn from this relationship about me? How can I do better next time and look for better next time. But don't be the good girl in the process. Don't let a man manipulate you or convince you that your boundaries are too high, that your standards are too high, that you are too much because you're not. Don't be a good girl. Be an empowered girl. Be an empowered woman, quite frankly.

I had a man about a year or two ago that I called out because he called me little girl. I don't like that. And what I said to him is I'm not a little girl, I'm a woman. Don't talk to me like that. That's the kind of tenacity we've got to have about self-respect for ourselves as well, because we're telling ourselves in our head that not just these men, we are telling ourselves we're little girls or we're a good girl. You're an empowered, unstoppable woman who deserves everything you desire. So don't let anyone take that away from you. Even if you're in a current relationship, work on setting those boundaries. You can have a constructive conversation with your partner and you can validate, hey, I know I'm doing things differently and I'm expecting things that I didn't expect before. So I'd really like to stay in this relationship, marriage, whatever that looks like, but I need you to work with me too. Because I want a future for us. But how I see this future is this.

If you're single, just keep working on yourself. And don't let men even in passing demean you. If you're dating, the same. This is a personal belief of mine and I hold strong to it and I hold men to it. Don't pay half on a date. Don't sell yourself cheap. Don't let the man off the hook. It's his job to pursue you. It is his job. I don't say necessarily to pay for all the dates, but on those first few, if a man is not willing to pay for the date, then he really is not that into you. And he's not being the pursuer that he's biologically wired to be. I'm not saying that you can't drop a hint or later on split the bill. The first date doesn't have to be this big fancy dinner because we all have budgets. I personally recommend a cup of coffee if it's a first date because you don't know if you're going to want to go out with this person a second time or not. You don't want them spending a lot of money. I'm okay with a drink or a cup of coffee. But if he expects you to pay from the get go, big red flag. And I've had that happen to me. And I texted him the next day and said, nope, this is a deal breaker. And in fact, I refused to pay during the date. I refused and I was prepared to walk away even though my drink was unfinished, leaving it on the table. That's part of being an empowered woman. You deserve that. If a man isn't willing to pay for you on a first date, what is he really going to give you throughout the lifetime of that relationship? What is he really going to give? Sounds to me like he just wants to take. It sounds to me like he doesn't want to be the man. 

So that's my rant, but that's my soapbox. And then I'm going to stand on it because if we want men who are going to treat us with respect, they've got to do it from the very first moment they interact with us and they've got to consistently do it. And when they don't, then we've got to hold them accountable. If we don't hold ourselves accountable to do so, we will only experience the same miserable, unhappy experiences that we have. 

So I'm going to keep it short today because I am still learning how this all works. I am so excited you have joined me. We are on our journey. This is one step closer because I have been interviewing some amazing guests that are upcoming over the next few weeks and as soon as I'm comfortable, hopefully by the end of the month, we are going to start bringing those guests on. I've got some powerful stories of people that have healed or have had dating experiences that are better. Some medical people that are licensed therapists. We've got healing modalities. I'm just so excited for what's to come. I have interviewed in the past three months, some powerful, powerful people, I've got a big lineup. And this podcast is really going to start to change and evolve and be how I envisioned it in the beginning. And I'm so glad you're here to be with me to see it to see it grow, to see me grow, and to just be with me as I figure it all out and have some patience. 

Have a great week. I will see you next week. Remember you, you have the power.