25: Is He My Person

In this episode, we explore the question every woman in a relationship or dating has likely asked herself: Is he my person? Join me as we dive into the signs of a healthy, fulfilling partnership versus a relationship that may not be serving you. I’ll share the questions I’ve learned to ask myself to evaluate whether a relationship is worth investing in—questions that go beyond chemistry to focus on trust, values, communication, and mutual effort.

We’ll discuss:

• How to recognize consistency, respect, and thoughtfulness in a partner.
• Identifying deal breakers and understanding their impact on your long-term happiness.
• The importance of conflict resolution and what it reveals about your relationship.
• Why it’s essential to look at how you’re showing up, not just your partner.

If you’ve ever felt stuck, questioned whether you’re settling, or wondered if you’re in a situationship, this episode will guide you toward clarity and empowerment. It’s time to stop chasing and start aligning with the relationship you deserve.

Tune in to gain actionable insights and discover what it means to be your own best advocate in love and life.

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Transcript

Hello friends, today we are gonna talk about is he my person? And so what exactly does that mean? Is he my person? So as women, I'm sure all of you can kind of relate to this. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone or maybe you're dating someone and you start to have some doubts? You were really gung-ho about this person and then things just seem to kind of... taper off, maybe he's not paying as much attention or maybe he never got around to that and you're wondering when he is. 

So how do you know? Are you in a healthy relationship? Are you in a situationship? Are you in a relationship that's dying? Or are you in one that can be saved? So there's so many questions we can ask. We can ask so many questions and I drafted some for you because they are the questions that I asked myself. When I am in a relationship, these are the things that I'm evaluating as I'm interacting with this person because I'm looking for a long-term relationship. And in order for that to be sustainable, this person for me needs to be consistent. They need to have actions and words match.

They need to be trustworthy. And quite frankly, because I have been involved in narcissistic abuse, trust comes harder for me than the average person. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. So yeah, there is a trial period that if I am new to the relationship, they're going to have to earn my trust. And I really think that's a good practice here, you know, across the board. But also, there's some additional questions, just some basic questions.

And I wrote some down here because I just wanted to make sure that we covered them all. So first of all, does he invest in you? If you call or you text him, does he return those texts or calls in a reasonable manner? We all have busy lives. He may have a job. He may not be able to respond to every text right away. That is completely understandable. But does he reciprocate? And does he respond or does he disappear for several days? Or when he does respond or initiates a text, what does that look like? Is it one word answers like yes, no, when you answer a question, or is he giving you a real answer? When he reaches out, is it just a simple, good morning? Hey, what's up? Or is there some kind of thought behind it? A thought provoking question like, hey, I was really thinking about you today and I know you went and had lunch at the Chinese restaurant. What did you have and did you enjoy it? Something as simple as that. You know, in my last relationship, there was a couple of things that I really loved and I thought was really super thoughtful. Because every morning I would get a text from him as he was driving to work a picture of the sunset. A couple of times he sent me voice memos and even sang to me. Those were such thoughtful things. And I loved that type of interaction, that thoughtfulness. If he isn't showing effort and you are, because it doesn't have to be tit for tat, but it does need to even out over time. What does that say about how into you he really is? I think as women, we have this tendency where we kind of chase the guy a little bit or we keep investing, we keep giving them more chances than they deserve.

They let us. First of all, think men are biologically just wired to pursue. They're the hunters. Second of all, if we just throw ourselves at men, they aren't going to respect us. So that's one thing to think about. What about his values? We don't have to be exactly alike. Opposites can attract. And sometimes we have traits that complement each other, but your basic values, your spiritual or religious beliefs, your political beliefs, are they the same? And if they aren't, I'm not saying it can't work. But how big of a deal is that to you? For example, I want someone who has the same political belief as me, I'm willing to be a little bit more flexible about that spiritual belief, or if they're religious, as long as they are willing to respect that if I do have a differing opinion, that they allow me that I would like to be able to also talk about it, not necessarily to convince them to come to my side. But politics and spirituality are really important to me. And I do talk about them a lot. And I did date one guy who was the complete opposite spectrum politically. And I really didn't think that it would work. While the relationship didn't last, I will say politics wasn't the problem. And it kind of shocked me.

So it's something to think about. What are your deal breakers? For me, a smoker is a deal breaker. I cannot stand smoking, no matter how nice the guy is, no matter how much I think he would be a great partner. I just can't do it. It's just a deal breaker for me. Also, how does he communicate when there's a conflict? If you haven't had conflict with this man, then you have no idea who he really is because I will tell you that how they handle conflict says a lot about who they are internally and at the core. If there is a conflict and I'm not saying that they're perfect, I'm not saying that they don't ever get mad. And quite frankly, if conflict is handled in a constructive manner, it's actually a good thing. Does he shut down? Does he storm out of the room? Does he yell at you? Does he get abusive? Or if there's a conflict after a cooling off period? Does he come back or is open to you coming back and saying, we need to talk about this. When you did this, I felt this way. I need this. I need this not to happen. And how does he react to that? Does he get defensive? Or even in spite of his anger, can he say I'm really angry right now, but I want to understand. So yes, let's have a talk about that.

Does he send mixed messages? Or is he consistent? Does his actions and his words match? Does he keep promises? Does he build trust? As a narcissistic abuse survivor, I need to be more vigilant about not letting people in too quick. It's been a thing I have done in the past, and it's a habit I'm trying to break. So yeah, I am starting to be less giving of my trust. Trust is not given actually it is earned. And any man that has a problem with that really doesn't understand that that's how it works. And they should be doing the same to me. They should not just be giving me their trust. They should be expecting me to earn it as well.

When you're with him, what's way more important is what's way more important of how you feel about him is when you were with him and also when you're away from him. How do you feel? How does he make you feel? Do you feel anxious? Do you feel calm? Do you feel comfortable in your own skin? Or do you feel like you have to be somebody else? Are you wondering?

When he's not with you, what he's really doing is he entertaining other women? Is he lying to you? And when he's with you, is he investing you in that moment too? Is he doing simple things like, hey, I want to go to the movies. Hey, I don't really want to see that chick flick, but I'll tell you what. And he says to you, I'll go to the chick flick. If next time you'll go to that sports game, you don't want to go, you we can trade off, we can do things. Sometimes we're going to like it, sometimes we're not. But either way, we're respecting our partner's needs as well as our own. We're not always doing what one person wants to do. Is he flexible?

Is he into bettering himself? If you're listening to this podcast, something tells me that you are working on yourself. And if you're dating or in a relationship with a man who refuses to do that and wants to be comfortable, wants to remain the same, doesn't value personal development, how is that really going to work for you? If you stay with a man

This kind of is a big, this actually is a basic value. If you are working on yourself and you're with someone who isn't going to do the same on themselves, they're not going to work on themselves. How sustainable is that? And if you stay, are you compromising your own growth? Are you compromising what you can achieve? Are you holding back? Not, not just because he may be asking that of you unintentionally. But are you asking it of yourself? Or is he asking you to be the best woman you can be rise to the occasion, because it will also encourage him to be the best man he could be.

Does he respect you? Does he treat you with respect? Does he talk to you with respect? Is he consistent about how he treats you, whether it's in private, in public, with his family, with his friends? If he treats you any differently in any of those situations, that's something to be addressed. He should be the same person in private and in public. He has to be authentic.

And if something happens where you are physically or emotionally in danger or disrespected, how does he act? If another man tries to make a move on you, or someone disrespects you? Is he protecting you? Is he standing up for you? Is he a leader? Does he make you just feel comfortable? Does he make you feel safe? Do you feel mentally and physically safe in his presence?

What does your nervous system tell you? Because if you feel unsafe, your body will tell you that that undercurrent of anxiety, the tightness in the throat, the tightness in the chest, that's a sign that something is wrong. And is he loyal? If you are in a committed relationship, is he only entertaining you?

Or is there activity that's questionable going on? What about his phone? I don't condone invading privacy. If you're invading privacy, then there's a reason that you don't trust him in the first place. And maybe that's really what you should be looking at. But is there behavior that could lead you to believe that maybe he's entertaining other women? Because if you're in a committed relationship, he shouldn't be entertaining. He shouldn't be flirting. He should not.

I'm not saying he doesn't notice other women are pretty, but come on, because we do. I have been in relationships and yes, I've seen a very good looking man and noticed it, but I don't act on it. And I don't care how much alcohol you've had. I don't care how attracted you are to it. A boy acts on his impulses and a man controls himself and respects his woman and himself and does not act on those impulses. If a man is willing to give up a loyal woman for a spur of the moment desire, he's not your man. I don't care how much you love him. I don't care how many gifts he's given you. I don't care how nice you think he is. He doesn't respect you.

These are really hard questions that sometimes we don't want to face because we don't want to know the answers.

Maybe you're fortunate and you do have a great man because they are out there. Wow. I know they're, they're less of that than the, than the bad. The good news is, is they are out there. And the more we work on ourselves, the more we're really aware of what we want, who we are and our value and what we will and will not tolerate. We are going to not only attract the person that we're looking for more importantly.

We're going to become that. So all these questions you're asking about your man, I want you to go back and I want you to ask them about yourself. Are you trustworthy? Do you send mixed messages? Are you treating your partner with respect? Are you consistent? Are you sending thoughtful messages? When he needs support and it's your turn to step up, are you stepping up?

Are you being the example of what you want? Are you giving him every opportunity to be successful as the man in the relationship?

Because if you're not and you're tearing him down, if you're disrespecting him, if you're being disloyal to him, then you are his person. And if you are doing those things, are you willing to really look at that? And are you willing to work on yourself to show up as that better person? Because getting revenge, having behavior to get back at someone, being angry, you can't expect to receive what you don't give. And one of the things I'm really big about, and I will tell every man I date is I will never ask anything of you.

I'm not willing to give you and I hold that standard to myself and I hold it of the men I'm with. If I'm willing to give it to you, I'm also expecting it in return. Not tit for tat once again. It's a reciprocal form of trust. It's a reciprocal form of respect. And whatever, depending on whatever level of that relationship you're in is your level of commitment matching his or vice versa is your level of commitment matching his. And if there's a mix, I can't get it out, a mix match somewhere.

Why? Is it fixable? Or is it not? Because when we don't ask these difficult questions, we get ourselves into situations where we fall in love with toxic people, where we get ourselves stuck in situationships, where he holds all the cards. And he may be sleeping with you, but he's sleeping with other women and he's not committing to any of them and he's playing all of them. Or maybe you are too.

I'm not saying that men are doing all of these things. Well, I'm focused on the female being healed because that's who I work with. We also have to be really honest with ourselves. Not only how is he showing up, but how am I showing up? Am I, am I emulating what I want? Am I the person that I want him to be?

And if you've done everything you can, and you've offered that opportunity to him, and he doesn't stand up, what are you gonna do about it? Are you going to stay stuck and take what you don't deserve? Or are you going to give him a consequence and a boundary? Maybe even an ultimatum. And once you I have to tell you something once you give an ultimatum, you have to follow up with it. Because and I went back on a boundary once during an argument in my last relationship. And I said to him, if I come over tonight, even after I said I'm not because I feel like you handled this conversation well, I don't want you to think this is what you can get away with. But I think in the end, I actually did send that message. And let me tell you why.

Because the night I broke up with him. And I wanted to be really clear about what those terms were going to be. Because quite honestly, first of all, I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to go. I wanted to work it out. And I was giving him every opportunity before I set foot out that door to do that. And I said, if I walk out this door tonight, I'm not going to be your friend. I'm not going to be in your life in any way, shape or form. And his response to that was, why you have to put it that way. And I said, that's because that's how it's going to be.

And then I also asked him that night, did you think I was going to go back on my boundary when I told you if you weren't willing to go into therapy that I would end the relationship? And he said, yes, he thought I was going to go back on it. And I think part of that was because a few weeks before there had been a conflict and I had originally decided I wasn't going to go spend the night at his house that night. And I had a video call with him and I decided to go back on that because I actually thought he showed up well in the conversation. But looking back, even though he showed up well, I think I still should have held my boundary. It may not have changed the end outcome. But I wouldn't have sent that mixed message myself that my boundaries can be crossed and it's okay to do so. So just food for thought. But as you're wondering, is he my person?

There are a lot of things to consider. I want you to write down, I would suggest that you write down what your deal breakers are. For me, deal breakers are smoker, not the same political affiliation. A certain age range is a deal breaker too. If they don't have goals in their life, if they don't want more out of life, if they're not into personal development, if they're disrespectful, if they're not loyal, if they're untrustworthy. Those are biggies for me. mean, lying, big time. I don't do that. What are your deal breakers? What are the things you're willing to work on and compromise on?

And what are the things that really just don't bother you? And you know, the willing, the things that you're willing to compromise on and the things that don't bother you, look at that list again. Is that something that needs to be moved up to a deal breaker? Is it, are those things going to interfere with your piece, with your security and with what you deserve in the relationship? And if they aren't fine, leave them in those categories. But the deal breakers have to remain deal breakers. And I had to do that just a couple of months ago.

And it wasn't easy. I'm not saying these things are easy. If you find out he's not your person and you're invested in your love or you really like this person or you're hoping they'll change, first of all, they're not going to change unless they really want to. Is staying and letting them take up space in your head and in your life worth maybe meeting somebody else who actually is what you're looking for. While you're so distracted with this shiny object over here, the one you wanted walked right by you. But you were with someone else.

Kind of a tough love kind of conversation tonight, for sure. I've had to have a lot of tough love conversations with myself. I will continue to do that.

My criteria is firm because there is someone out there for me. There is someone out there that is my person. There's someone out there for you. That's your person. And I'm going to invite you to wait it out.

Be willing to be vulnerable, go out and date and experience different types of personalities and really kind of comparison shopping. Figure out what it is you do want. you know, if you, I haven't really, I've done some dating multiple men at the same time. To me, I don't have a lot of time, but I'm also not gonna go exclusive on a first date either. Be willing to hold off on that for a little bit, just to see what they do. Maybe just maybe go out on another date with somebody else, particularly if you're a bigger city, it's easier. I'm in a small town, there's not many people to multiple date with. But can get straight with it because your body, your body knows if he's your person. Your body will tell you when you're in his presence, just be really aware of your body sensations and what it tells you.

If he's your person, you're probably going to feel genuinely calm. And this isn't something right away you want to determine because if he's a narcissist or a dismissive avoidant, he's going to show up really darn well in those first few weeks or months. It's after that, that's really going to be the determining. And I really think that that first conflict is going to tell you a lot as well.

I know you're going to find them if you already haven’t.

Just stay vigilant. Because you know what? You have the power.