30: Rising From the Shadows - My Journey From Trauma to Transformation

In today's episode, I’m sharing a deeply personal story of healing, growth, and empowerment as I prepare to speak at the Fearless and Flourishing Women's Empowerment Event in honor of International Women’s Day.

I open up about my journey through narcissistic abuse, the patterns I had to recognize within myself, and how I transformed my pain into purpose. Healing is not a straight path—it’s a journey filled with highs and lows. But through self-awareness, radical self-love, and a commitment to breaking unhealthy cycles, I was able to reclaim my power.

I'll also talk about the power of discomfort in personal growth, the importance of honoring your own transformation, and how stepping away from relationships that no longer serve you can be the ultimate act of self-care.

If you’re navigating your own journey of healing, I invite you to join me at this incredible event where powerful women will share their stories of resilience, strength, and transformation. Details on how to register are below!

You are not alone. You are worthy. And you have the power to create the life you deserve.

👉 Tune in now and let's rise together.

Fearless and Flourishing Women's Summit

March 8-9, 2025

Register for free general admission: https://bit.ly/Fearless_Flourishing

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Transcript

Darla Ridilla (00:01.592)
Hello friends. Today we are going to talk about rising from the shadows, my journey from trauma to transformation. Some of you may already know my story, but I would like to share a quick summary of it. I grew up in a dysfunctional and abusive home. And because I did not have good role models from my parents of what a healthy relationship looked like, and very dysfunctional relationships with my parents,

I had a void inside of me that I tried to use men to fill. In particular, because I didn't have that healthy father daughter relationship, I was seeking out that in my romantic relationships. So I really very much wanted to be loved. But because of that, I put up with behavior that I shouldn't have. And I allowed abusive men to come into my life. I allowed them

to abuse me, to be emotionally unavailable, to not respect my boundaries, or maybe I didn't even have boundaries. But this is because I didn't value myself. I didn't have standards that others should value me. And there was this script running in my head that I didn't deserve love. I wasn't worthy of it. My standards were too high. I was too much.

and I didn't, I would scare them off. I was afraid of scaring them off if I did make my standards known or increase them. So I attracted men into my life that basically they validated that narrative that I had running in my head that I'm not worthy. And the reason that I'm sharing this with you today is because on March 8th of 2025, I am speaking at a virtual summit.

and it's in honor of International Women's Day. And I am talking on this topic. I'm going to give you a little bit of a teaser today. And if it's something that resonates with you, I will share with you how to register for the summit at the end of this episode. So.

Darla Ridilla (02:22.21)
The reason that I feel that this is really important is because all of us have baggage. All of us have things that have happened to us, even if you had a happy childhood. And we have to work through them. And these experiences do show up in our present day, good and bad. And I'm a firm believer that it's not what happens to us, it's what happens for us.

Also, it's not what happens to us, but what we do with it. That's the for us part. So I have had a lot of trauma of many forms in my life, and it started even before I was born. I learned in the certification that I am just completing that trauma can occur in a womb. And so my parents did not get along. They fought a lot.

And I know that once I had the ability to hear inside my mother, that I overheard those fights. So not only was I being exposed to unhealthy behavior patterns in a marriage, I was born into a home where my mom was also very anxiously attached, desperate for love. And my father was very abusive.

Darla Ridilla (03:50.382)
My mother was really neglectful and she didn't protect me from my father. So I learned from a very early age that I had to protect myself. And while that behavior has served me well as a coping mechanism as a child and at times as an adult, such as when I was getting divorced from my abusive ex and he tried to back out of it a couple of days after asking for a divorce, that strength within me rose up.

and I left anyway. But there are other behaviors that have not been good. I grew up in a house where whoever speaks the loudest is heard. Yelling and aggressiveness worked there. I had to be aggressive when I grew up because my father was a bully. But aggressive behavior as an adult does not work. It is a controlling behavior because I feel out of control. It is not an effective and healthy way to communicate in a relationship as well.

So I've had to learn different skills. I have had to go from being dysfunctional and codependent to now becoming an independent woman who now knows her value, who says, my standards are not too high. In fact, I think they were just too low that I'm going to raise them and I'm going to stand by them. And in the past year, year and a half, I've really gotten to know who I am. And that has really

helped me to see the value within myself. And because of that, for the first time in my life, I truly have learned to love myself. I've decided that I like who I am. I've decided it's okay that I don't fit in. So pain can be a catalyst for growth. And one of the things that really stuck with me when I was in Mary Kay Cosmetics is that the pain of where you are, when that pain of where you are is greater

then the pain of where you're going, that is when you will change. And I started to realize a few years ago that the common denominator in all my relationships was me. It's not that I was responsible for the other person's behavior, but what I was responsible for was participating in it, allowing it, attracting it, being attracted to it. I was attracted to emotionally unavailable men

Darla Ridilla (06:18.604)
because my father was emotionally unavailable. And I was just replaying a script from my childhood that felt comfortable, but was dysfunctional.

Darla Ridilla (06:30.542)
There was something in me that was lacking. And what I had to do was learn to fill that void with me and not other people. So I had to develop a value system within myself. I had to look for patterns. One of them being, I'm the common denominator. And a lot of these patterns I'm still working on, I'm working with a counselor right now.

Darla Ridilla (06:55.928)
some of these patterns are, I get involved too quickly with a man. I sacrifice who I am to please him. This is more in the past where I have sacrificed myself, but I do tend to give up too much of my time.

I'm so afraid of scaring them away, and particularly in the past, I was really afraid of scaring them away, that I won't stand up for myself. So that's something that I've gotten a lot better at over this past year.

I gave trust instead of expecting them to earn it. That has been a biggie this past year as well. I no longer just freely give trust. You have to earn it. I still have to work on giving them a little bit more time to earn that, but that's my work for this year. I also got really in touch with my body feelings. Being trained as a somatic coach, not only has that given me the ability to help clients, but

for my own experiences, I am so much more aware of my body sensations connected to an emotion and how that connects to a past experience, which helps me to sit with that emotion and move it forward.

You know, I've always been very outspoken, but one of the things I had to learn, and that goes back to that aggressive behavior, is that I have to learn to state my needs in a productive manner. That means no yelling. That means saying, I need this. That means understanding that I can't control the other person.

Darla Ridilla (08:33.816)
The book Let Them, the Let Them Theory I believe it's called by Mel Robbins is the next book on my list to read. And the whole theory is that we can't control people. If someone doesn't want to meet your needs, let them. That doesn't mean tolerate the behavior. What that means is give them the opportunity to meet that need. And if you ask them to do that and they choose not to, you can't change them, you can't make them, but you can make a decision how you want to react to that.

you can leave or you can stay. My personal recommendation is leave and find someone else who will fulfill that need. But in the meantime, fulfill your own needs, become your own person, become a whole person because two halves do not make one.

Darla Ridilla (09:29.762)
The other thing is, is we really have to get choosy with what people we surround ourselves with. So 11 years ago when I was going through my divorce, I had to withdraw from everybody I knew. That was for two reasons. One of them was my physical safety. So if you're familiar with the term flying monkeys, it's a very familiar tactic with narcissistic abuse. So the narcissist gets upset. They start to lose control of you directly.

They will use other people to try to remain in control or be in your life, manipulate you, scare you, whatever that is. So they will either try to get information about you from them or they will ask them to advocate on their behalf. They'll tell a sob story.

get them to be on their side and then this person, whether it's a family member or a friend will come to you and say, why are you doing this? So and so is this or that, they're upset. Why don't you give them another chance? Or do you know so and so is doing this? Do you know so and so is doing that? And unknowingly, they are actually part of the abusive cycle. And so I had to get away from people that might potentially do that, not intending harm.

for my mental safety, but also for my physical safety, I didn't want them telling him what I was doing and what I was up to. And so I totally got rid of everyone except for like four to five women that I felt really had my highest good in mind. And it's interesting that I met another precipice right now with this exact same thing happening. So in Mary Kay Cosmetics, they used to say that we become most like the five people

we spend the most time with.

Darla Ridilla (11:17.498)
I in the past few weeks have gotten extremely guarded on who I spend my time with and how I spend it and who I'm interacting with because I'm very aware of the five people and do I want their lifestyle? Do I want to become like them? And if the answer is no, they're not in my five. And because I'm leaving, I haven't spent any time with them at all.

We're not, you we're always gonna have different levels of friends, whether those are acquaintances and so forth. And even acquaintances, I'm still gonna be choosy moving forward, what that looks like. But when it comes to my closest friends and who I hang out with, they've either gotta be at my level or above because I don't wanna be with people who are gonna pull me down or hinder my personal growth.

Darla Ridilla (12:12.504)
to the other part.

The other part of healing is that we need to kind of reframe our experiences, our negative experiences, our relationships that end. They aren't failures, they're learning experiences and they're stepping stones to the next version of us, that next higher version of us. If we choose to take some time to self-reflect, to look at ourselves and say, what about me?

made me say yes to that situation. And what about me needs to change so I say no the next time. This is what is very productive. This is when you turn your pain into purpose.

Darla Ridilla (13:22.712)
You know, there are so many things that you can do because all of us feel like a victim when we're fresh out of an experience. But how do we go from being a victim to being a survivor, to being a victor, to really being that high value woman? How do we get there? There are some things you can do for yourself. In the moment, if something happens to you, if you're able to go take a walk, that's a great way to kind of process.

or to calm down or to take a breath, take a moment because we are using both sides of your brain. If you're familiar with EMDR, the eye movement desensitization therapy where you hear the sounds, it's very good because it uses both sides of your brain. It's great for your nervous system to process. I have had a lot of success with EMDR treatment myself and I really do recommend it, but

you can kind of do a form of that by taking a walk.

You can journal, you can do a visualization. I recently did one with my coach where I went back to my four year old self to my first traumatic memory. My now self back to her, letting her know that I'm there for her. That yes, she's in for some hard times, but I'm going to be in the background that whole time. Sending her compassion, sending her love. Can you send a letter or write a letter to your previous self?

And I think it's really important that when we do have a strong emotion, particularly let's say breakup, for instance, it's an experience we've all had. It's okay to feel those emotions. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to miss them. It's okay to feel regret. It's okay to cry. It's okay to sit and binge on ice cream and Netflix. If that's in the moment what you need to do, that is so far better than brushing it under the rug. You don't wanna...

Darla Ridilla (15:28.008)
Marinate in that forever, but give it a time. Give it some time. Because what I've found is when we don't allow and process our emotions, they're still there. They're driving our decisions. They're driving our behaviors. It's like putting a bandaid over an infection. It doesn't make it go away. In fact, it makes it worse and it's going to ooze out. And it will show itself at probably some of the worst times. You'll blow up for the smallest little thing.

If you've ever seen one of the first episodes of This Is Us, this is an example. The mother who lost, she had triplets, if you know the story, and one of the babies died in birth. They took in another child who had been left at the fire station abandoned. And while this was a beautiful thing, the truth was she still had a child die and that was suppressed. She has the normal overwhelm of triplets that she's dealing with.

And so that grief got suppressed and she was in the grocery store one day and someone wanted like the last piece of produce or bread or something. was the last of an item and she freaked out in the store. And I'm sure to the person on the receiving end, they thought she was crazy. But what was really happening is her emotions finally had bubbled over like shaking a Coke bottle and then opening the top. So.

Honor your emotions.

Because also another thing to think of is that when we have a traumatic experience that happens to us in an early age, when that moment gets triggered in the present, we actually react to the situation at the age that the trauma occurred, not at our current age, not at our current maturity level. So we can go back and heal that moment, which is what I do with clients through somatic healing techniques.

Darla Ridilla (17:29.634)
we can heal that moment because a lot of times when we react badly to something, we have to ask ourselves who's in the driver's seat, my present self or my five-year-old self, my 15-year-old self.

Darla Ridilla (18:00.748)
And when we talk about turning pain into purpose, this is your version of it. Yes, I podcast. Yes, I coach other people. I write and I speak. I have taken my situation, my surviving narcissistic abuse and turned it into this type of purpose. You don't have to do that. Turn your pain into purpose first for you. You have to do it authentically for yourself. If you choose to

turn that into something that guides others, great. But if you don't, and you just decide to do it for yourself, that's great too. You can be an example even maybe to those friends, because as you're growing, you're inevitably going to have to leave some people behind. That's just part of the growth process. But what if when they see the change in you? What if that's the spark that they needed? That was your purpose in their lives, that they're going to see the change in you. And it's going to motivate

them. But let the motivation be for yourself first. It's kind of like if you meet a guy like I have a deal breaker that I don't date smokers. If the guy says, I'll quit cigarettes, so you'll date me. It's less likely he'll be able to beat that habit if he does it for somebody else. But if he decides on his own before he even knows me, I'm going to quit cigarettes because it's unhealthy and I don't like doing it anymore. It's a lot less likely that he'll

relapse and start smoking again.

and my mantra really is in my healing process because it's a journey and it's a roller coaster, not a straight line. How can I do better today than I did yesterday? And sometimes you're at a straight line, maybe you're at the same, maybe you had a setback, and it's okay because setbacks are inevitable.

Darla Ridilla (19:55.298)
But the first step to loving yourself really is to get to know yourself. So I just got back from having a really nice expensive dinner up in Jerome. If you're familiar with the Verde Valley of Arizona, there's a really cool mining town up on the side of a mountain. Gorgeous view of Sedona and the Verde Valley. And I went to this really nice restaurant about a year and a half ago with my daughter. And they have craft cocktails, nice upscale food. And I decided to treat myself tonight.

And you don't necessarily have to spend $75 on a dinner. This is not something I do as a rule, but tonight I made an exception because I'm leaving in a few days to move to Colorado and I really love this restaurant and I take myself out on a date. Now there were times when I was in a divorce where in Denver there was a really cool pie shop for $5. got a cup of coffee and a slice of pie. Those some weeks from my dates. Sometimes it was a hike because it was free.

You know, the cost of the activity is not the importance, it's the investing in yourself. If you invest in yourself, that is the best way to get to know who you are, and that is gonna lead to true self-love, not the Pollyanna type.

Darla Ridilla (21:08.3)
And a lot of it, a lot of us when we are in relationships, we do lose ourselves or time, our life just gets in the way. Think about what is it in your life that you've given up that you miss doing? Is it going to restaurant? Is it going to a museum? Is it just going to a park and reading a book in the sunshine? I say, re-embrace those. Do something for yourself at least once a week.

and then watch how that investment in you changes your opinion of yourself.

Darla Ridilla (21:55.97)
I also would say, accept who you are. If you are that round peg trying to be in a square hole, don't try to fit in. I don't fit in. I would switch jobs frequently, not because I'm a bad employee, but because I get bored or the culture no longer resonated with me at a job. I was a good employee, but I have a short attention span when it comes to working for other people.

And I used to beat myself up and think there was something wrong with me, but that's a cultural norm I don't fit in with. Me working for myself is perfect because I'm making all the choices. And if I choose to, you know, have a new niche or have a new program, I don't have to answer to anyone about it. I just get excited. And then I actually love change. So for me, being an entrepreneur is a great match.

Whatever it is in your life, if you feel like you don't fit in and you've been trying to, maybe you should stop trying to just be yourself.

Darla Ridilla (23:07.768)
Well, I hope that something I said today resonated with you. Whether you come to the summit or not, my objective in these podcasts is to reach something inside of you, find some part of what I say that you say inside, I've felt like that too. You know, I felt like I don't fit in. I feel like all of my relationships have been dysfunctional or I date the same person over and over again that just have a different body.

But if it has resonated with you and you would like to come and celebrate International Women's Day with me, I would love it if you attend the Fearless and Flourishing Summit. It's a virtual summit. I will put the links in the show notes. There's two different ways to register. One is a paid registration, but there is also a free general registration. And I would love it if you came to my talk. I would love it if you would hear the other speakers because every time that I speak at a virtual summit, I love

sticking around for a while and listening to the other speakers because I always get something out of what they say as well. Either way, get to know yourself, invest in yourself, love yourself, because in order for you to have a healthy relationship with others, you've got to have a healthy relationship with yourself. You have the power.