31: The Mother Codes - Transforming Wounds Into Wisdom With Ashleigh Sinclaire

In this deeply moving episode, I sit down with Ashleigh Sinclaire, transformational storyteller and creator of The Mother Monologues – A Love Story. Ashleigh shares her powerful journey of healing, forgiveness, and reclaiming her sovereignty after a complex and painful relationship with her mother. Through radical responsibility, self-love, and profound realizations, she discovered how to release resentment, transform pain into wisdom, and embrace the power of her mother self.

We dive into:
✨ The unseen stress of mother-daughter relationships and how it impacts all aspects of life
✨ Why forgiveness is a personal choice, not an obligation
✨ Healing without needing the other person’s participation
✨ The role of radical self-care in breaking generational trauma
✨ How to find freedom and peace by rewriting your own story

If you’ve ever struggled with mother wounds, self-compassion, or the weight of past relationships, this episode is for you.

Watch Ashleigh’s full one-woman show at themothermonologues.com.

Website: https://themothermonologues.com/the-mother-monologues

 YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@ashleighsinclaire

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ashleigh-sinclaire-a1b1632b8/

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Transcript

Darla Ridilla (00:01)
Hello friends, welcome. Today we have a special guest. Her name is Ashley Sinclair and she's got a beautiful story about forgiveness with her mother that when I met her at the podcast collaborative, I knew that I just wanted to bring her on the show to share it. And I hope it moves you. I'm tingling all over right now, actually. I hope it moves you as much as it moved me. So to tell you a little bit about Ashley, she's a transformational storyteller, soul medicine guide.

and a reverent provocateur dedicated to helping women reclaim their healing and loving sovereignty. Through her acclaimed one woman show, the Mother Monologues, a love story, along with her heart and soul activations and mother code mentoring, she empowers women to transform past wounds into powerful journeys of self awakening and inner strength. So Ashley, thank you so much for coming on the show today.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (00:56)
you're welcome. Thank you for the invitation.

Darla Ridilla (00:59)
Yeah, you're welcome. I'm super excited to get started. So I thought I would start by asking you about if you could share your personal your story and where you experienced that transformative power with forgiving your mom.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (01:13)
That's big question.

Darla Ridilla (01:15)
Start wherever you like.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (01:23)
pull out some poignant moments and hopefully it'll be a coherent ride. I was the youngest of four kids and growing up, you could say in many ways had a good childhood. I did, did. Looking at it, I did. And I often felt with my mom,

Darla Ridilla (01:26)
Yes.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (01:51)
that I had done something wrong, but I never could figure out what it was. Because she would give me love and care and attention, and then she wouldn't, clearly. But I would see her giving it to one of my sisters. And so we had this hot and cold dynamic. And then when I was a teenager,

she had a breakdown, shortening up the story here, she had a breakdown and received shock treatment. And she fractured into what we called her six channels. And then as I was growing up, I never knew who she was gonna be for how long. So I went into high hypervigilant mode all the time. Sometimes it was a little,

scary, not in a violent way scary, but just, you know, being a young girl, it was just very confusing. And nobody, you know, back then in the 60s and the 70s was talking about any of the stuff we're talking about now. Right? You just kind of kept going on with life. And when I was like 25, I went to my first therapist, and I kept it a secret.

Because again, back then, if you're going to therapy, were cuckoo, you're crazy. I mean, they just said, they said that that was, that was the conversation. Crazy. And had a couple of sessions, talk therapy, and kind of realized like, wow, I'm not going to be able to do any healing with my mother. Like, I just, she doesn't look capable.

Darla Ridilla (03:23)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (03:46)
And I thought to myself, yeah, but I don't want that to limit me. Right? And it wasn't like I talked about that with my therapist. I just made that assessment and conviction and devotion to myself of I don't want her limitations to limit mine. And so then I just went on, that's when I started my healing spiritual journey. And

What I've noticed through the decades, as I healed, our relationship got better. As I took her off the hook and I took full responsibility for my emotional needs, for loving myself, for seeing myself, our relationship got better.

When I said to her one day, sitting across, were just the two of us having lunch. And I looked at her and said, know, mom, for any anger that I have had towards you, I don't anymore. It just, didn't know I was going to say that even. It just like rose up in me. was a Chinese restaurant in South Florida. I'll never forget it. Just rose up.

And I said that and she just, it was a real, you know, she was in a coherent mood, mode, right? And it just, it kind of like shook her, surprised her. And then there was this relaxation that happened in her. And so, you know, one of the myths that I like busting.

about like healing this relationship because you know when you first hear about it like a lot of women are like no thanks I'm fine I'm just fine right

I don't know about that, however...

Darla Ridilla (05:55)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (05:58)
I share with them, you don't need her willingness. You don't have to do it with her. I didn't. I didn't know, but I wasn't letting that stop me.

So got through that and then there was a big...

turnover in my family, I'll call it that. I do a one woman show, so that's why I'm hesitating because I want people to see the show and I don't want to give up too much of the the juice in the show. Anyway, so it prompted me to move my mother in with me. And I was very devoted because of all the circumstance, I was very devoted to her having her last breath with me in our home.

Darla Ridilla (06:27)
Okay.

guess.

Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (06:50)
And it was four years. I was planning on one. I was ready for one. But it was four because she got healthier, happier, more stable living with me living out here in Colorado versus Florida. And what happened there was nothing I could have ever imagined.

Darla Ridilla (07:04)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (07:18)
and she died peacefully and quietly at home the way we wanted and she went from being fractured to being aligned, clear, and coherent.

Darla Ridilla (07:38)
What a gift.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (07:39)
with a little help from me. But she did a lot of the work.

Darla Ridilla (07:41)
Yeah.

I mean, it's a gift to both of you. You know, as I it's funny that we're recording this week, because this past week, I've been doing a lot of work with my own mother, I have a lot of animosity, because I was neglected. And, that resulted in a lot of abuse by other people around me because of that. And I so I commend anyone who has the strength to forgive.

someone who's been toxic or dysfunctional or abusive in their life. I don't necessarily hold on to the feeling that you have to or there's something wrong with you. But I think for me, there's a couple of things I have to forgive myself. That I do, I do have to work through the pain and the anger that I hold. Because I do feel like if I hold on to the anger, if I hold on to the anger, that is going to destroy me. She's dead. She's been dead for a long time.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (08:38)
Exactly.

Darla Ridilla (08:39)
Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (08:41)
Exactly. And it's a choice. It's a choice. Because yeah, people come with big stories. mine, mine isn't necessarily a big story, but it felt like a big story when I was a little girl. You know, there was some big traumas there. And however, I mean, you said it beautifully. I'm so glad you said it, which is

Darla Ridilla (08:46)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (09:11)
We're at choice. It's our anger. It's our resentment. It's our animosity. It's our relationship within ourselves. That's why you don't have to work it out with her or him, anybody, right? And it's a choice point. And it's...

It's not right if you do and you're not wrong if you don't. It's just a choice point to be conscious of that because otherwise you're living with anger, you're living with resentment. That energy is definitely having an impact on your body, on your emotions, on your perception, in all your relationships. What I often talk about is if you haven't used your mother relationship as a lens for healing,

Darla Ridilla (09:56)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (10:05)
It's invisible stress that's affecting all your relationships because the mother relates our first human relationship. It does not get any deeper or more intimate than that. Right. And.

Darla Ridilla (10:20)
Yeah, and as

children, as children, parents in general, but especially that mother, we are looking to them deep down, we know our survival depends on this person. So good or bad, no matter what they do, we can't afford first of all, children to be angry at them. We have to love them, depend on them. But as adults, that role shifts.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (10:41)
Right. Right.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Darla Ridilla (10:50)
Yeah.

When you talk about the concept of the mother self, what, you know, maybe you've already covered this, but you know, what, what does that, what does that mean? And you you kind of touched on a little bit, you know, those inner wounds that do happen to us. Yeah. Could you share a little bit about that?

Ashleigh Sinclaire (10:53)
Yeah.

Yeah, I want to mention something that got my attention. What you just said. Now it's leaving me. darn it. What was that point you just made? Prior to this.

Darla Ridilla (11:11)
Yes.

Let me think for a second. We'll edit this part out. I was saying about, we depend on our parents, mothers in particular, for survival. Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (11:33)
but something shifts. Something shifts. Yeah.

Yeah. At a certain point when I was taking care of my mother.

I realized, because she kind of stopped being in the mother role with me when I was 12 years old. And so now she's living with me and I'm caring for her. And at some point, one day it just rose up in me in anger. This is after I said to her, I don't have any more anger. Because I didn't in that moment, to that point.

Darla Ridilla (11:46)
Mm-hmm.

Right. Right.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (12:10)
Because here's the other thing that I just love about the wisdom of the body. It will bring things up when the things are ready to be seen, felt, and released, and not a second before. So here I am in our home, I'm taking care of my mom. I'm hypervigilant over her health and well-being. And this thing rises up in me and says,

Darla Ridilla (12:21)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (12:38)
Like I'm talking to her, but just don't in my own head with, won't be able to go there, but it said, I have mothered you more than you have mothered me.

that isn't how it's supposed to be, was the first. And I felt that, I was feeling, felt all that as it was rising, no ignoring it, right? I think I did actually step outside, nature's a good place to feel, right? And then this other thought arose in me, it's like, Ashley, but this is how it is now. Maybe this is exactly how it was supposed to be.

Darla Ridilla (12:58)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (13:26)
There's just a concept. Like your mother is supposed to do these things for you.

Maybe, maybe not. If I was gonna still hold on to the anger of you're the mother, I'm the daughter, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, that's gonna be tension and energy between us in a full on block. And that'll be in the way of any other possibilities.

Darla Ridilla (13:34)
Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (14:03)
And so I'm standing outside with these tall trees and I'm just feeling the anger and I'm like, you know what, this is how it is. Okay. And I accepted it, but I felt what I needed to feel. And then I, and then I went on and then I enjoyed it even more caring for her.

Darla Ridilla (14:23)
Yeah, I think that's an important point because we have to honor our feelings, but I think there's a lot of that in our lives. Like, it was supposed to be this way. if my mom had, first of all, not married a man that was abusive, that wouldn't have happened. I didn't have that happy family dynamic. But in her neglect, I also rose up within myself and learned that I could protect myself. Wow, that got a little...

crazy and maladaptive as an adult, but it also when I was in an abusive marriage, and he tried to back out and wanted me to stay, that little girl from long ago rose up and said, No, this isn't happening. And so I was listening, I was listening to a podcast just this morning where they were talking about that how all these things that happened to us that aren't the way they're supposed to be, are actually like you said, in the great design of what we are to become.

It's the stepping stone to us and our personal growth.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (15:24)
Yeah, yeah. the fighting with, it's like you're fighting with reality, you're fighting with what happened. And where does that get you? I see it getting just, it just builds and glues the anger and resentment and victimhood in your psyches. And that doesn't lead to freedom and liberation, which is what

Darla Ridilla (15:33)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (15:54)
I am all about. Like, I'm on the freedom, liberation, and vibrancy train. That's what I call it.

Darla Ridilla (16:02)
Right.

I love that. That's a great analogy, too. My train has stopped in the station right now in anger, I'll be honest, and I'm going to honor that for a little bit. But there's going to be a time limit on that because I'm going to let that some stuff is bubbling up. I'm going to let that bubble up. I'm going to process it. But it's getting in the way of my life progressing. My, you know, yeah, and my relationships.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (16:10)
The whole? Yeah.

Yes.

Darla Ridilla (16:31)
That feeling of abandonment that I felt from her, it plays out in my romantic relationships.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (16:34)
Yeah.

Yes! Yes!

Darla Ridilla (16:40)
Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (16:45)
Yeah, that's why it's so powerful to use this as a lens. And you know, you go gently, you go at your pace, right? You're not going to get blown out.

Darla Ridilla (16:58)
Right, right, exactly.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (16:59)
but

it's ever present. How could it not be? How could it not be?

Darla Ridilla (17:07)
Is that really what the mother self is then? Do we kind of answer that question without realizing it?

Ashleigh Sinclaire (17:15)
in many ways. For me,

Darla Ridilla (17:17)
Okay.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (17:23)
it's taking her off the hook. And in your dad too. This is one of the best things I did. I don't know, in my 20s or 30s or something early on in the journey, where I just was like, I just took them off the hook for the woulda coulda shouldas. Because what happened happened or didn't happen. Right. And it felt more freeing and empowering again.

Darla Ridilla (17:31)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (17:53)
for me to go to let go of the, you know, it's this internal tug of war. You're supposed to do this. I'm waiting for you to do that. You should have done this. And I'm like, who, don't want to be in this. I don't want to be in this. This does not feel good. Right. And

Darla Ridilla (18:11)
Right. Totally.

mean, go ahead.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (18:14)
No, no, go ahead.

Darla Ridilla (18:16)
I was going to say, first of all, while I'm not excusing what she did, I understand why. She grew up in a home that was devoid of love and affection. And she obviously didn't have highest self-esteem because she always chose men that were bad for her and her children. But that's what she knew. That's the person she was. And she was making, just like I've made decisions in my past based on the person that I was at the time.

And I sure as heck made a lot of mistakes as a mother too. And you talk about the role shifting back in 2013 when I was going through my divorce, I had a nervous breakdown. And my daughter at the time who was in her early 20s, we flipped and she became the mother and I became the child. And I was the one calling her sobbing uncontrollably. And it was an unfair position to put her in.

but it was where I was at at the moment and she was the closest thing to me.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (19:15)
And maybe.

This was all agreed upon.

Darla Ridilla (19:22)
That's possible. Are you talking about like the soul contracts? that? Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (19:26)
Yeah.

And, know, I just, I guess I like the easier route. Honestly, the easier route for me has always been accept doesn't mean I approve what's occurred, but accept what's occurred, not fighting with reality. Right? Because like I said, my end game is freedom and liberation. Right? So what's going to get me there?

Darla Ridilla (19:37)
Mm-hmm.

Right. Right.

Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (19:57)
Right. And one of the things that I did also early on and, and I, tell clients to do this is, and your comment about your mom had me think of it, which is I tried to understand who my mother was as a woman, as a young woman, as a little girl, who was she, what were her aspirations?

Darla Ridilla (20:20)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (20:27)
What was her childhood like? What was her relationship with her parents? Because all of that formed her. And we often don't stop, like my clients, so many of them will say, or have had the experience and still are holding onto the fact that their mother doesn't like see them, right? And then I ask,

Darla Ridilla (20:52)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (20:57)
Do you see your mother?

Darla Ridilla (20:59)
Right.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (21:01)
and they always all go.

Like, they've never thought of that. It's just been their mother. And it's just what they didn't get from her, what they did get from her, what they want to get from her. Right? And so those are two really powerful, like practices, exercises, learn who she is. Right? And then see her with that lens, see what happens. And

Darla Ridilla (21:15)
Right. Right.

Right.

Yeah, that's a good

point to see her as a person who had experiences that shaped her.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (21:33)
Yes.

And then, you know, the other thing.

is, you know, our mothers, they didn't have resources like we have. we didn't, they weren't in, they weren't allowed to have emotions or speak up or speak out. So we really have to like take a step back and include that also. Like we just, you know, if we're not thinking about it, we just project

ourselves on them. Well, I'm like this and I'm like this and you're my mom so why can't we do this thing? And it's like they have deep conditioning, not to. And so I really I do feel Darla like it's our generation and women behind us. Like it's our

Darla Ridilla (22:18)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (22:35)
I know if I like the word job, but it's our greatest opportunity to heal our relationship within ourselves because we've got more resources, we have more permission, we have more language to do it. And then naturally what I watched and witnessed in my home as I healed, she did. As I healed more, she did more.

Darla Ridilla (23:05)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (23:05)
Right

before my eyes, I was not preaching to her. I was living my life. I was accepting her. And she blossomed.

Darla Ridilla (23:16)
Maybe that was what she needed her whole life that kind of popped into my head. Whatever happened to her in her past, maybe she wasn't accepted.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (23:25)
Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, no, that's true. I got the chills. Yeah. Yeah, because she was honestly she was a trailblazer. That woman came in to she had a lot of natural power about her intelligence, creativity, gumption, charisma, sense of humor.

Darla Ridilla (23:28)
you're welcome.

Yeah, just

Mm

Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (23:53)
And, you know, from a because of a bunch of different, you know, circumstances that didn't get fulfilled. However, I feel like the legacy that she has now that runs through me is better than I think anything she would have originally done.

Darla Ridilla (24:09)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (24:17)
Yeah.

Darla Ridilla (24:18)
Yeah.

You know, one of the things that I learned a lot about when I was getting my certification was the generational trauma that we've been referring to. And it was a real eye opener for me. I did, I was expected to do like a church and go back as many generations as I could remember and realizing, well, my grandfather, he was an alcoholic and abusive to my father. And so my father was abusive, but my grandfather also had a

a dad that was abusive and a womanizer. And I don't know any further back than that what happened. But when I started to chart it, like how it all trickled down. And when you talk about our generation, you know, one of the things that became important to me during this class is my daughter was pregnant at the time. And I thought I have passed on generational trauma to her and we have a new generation coming. I want to minimize

what my grandson is going to experience. So when I saw her in June, I had while we still are repairing, there were conversations I had with her about things that I and she brought some perspective to some things I didn't agree with everything that I heard. But there were others like, you're right, I shouldn't have done that. And I really wanted and I'll continue to do that to repair that relationship.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (25:38)
Yeah, beautiful, beautiful. Yeah.

Darla Ridilla (25:40)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (25:44)
Hmm.

Darla Ridilla (25:46)
Yeah.

There's

I believe that you have sub-healing practices like in that inner journey, the activation. Do you want to talk a little bit about that?

Ashleigh Sinclaire (26:05)
They're 15 minute guided journeys that have, I have people connecting with different aspects, qualities of themselves, just to make them more coherent, right? Instead of all these like fragmented different identities. You know, for example, one of them is bringing in the little girl.

Darla Ridilla (26:08)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (26:37)
Right. Bringing in your wise woman.

Darla Ridilla (26:42)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (26:44)
bringing in your mom.

having a little conversation with her at the fire. And yeah, they're, they're quick, but they're very, they're efficient, they're deep. And they just bring a, a holistic, more coherent, energetic experience with yourself. Because, you know, the other thing that

all this work I did actually before my mom was living with me. But then there was that phase, there was the phase of when we were living together and my self-care went up to here. Because I had been on my healing journey for like 25 years and I thought, this stress is not gonna bring me down. I refuse.

Darla Ridilla (27:24)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (27:45)
And so what that meant was amping up a little bit more, which was fine.

was my train of thought.

Darla Ridilla (27:58)
That's okay.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (28:04)
right. Okay.

And so what, and then the healing afterwards, after she passed, you know, in recovery, and what all of it has led me to is, and it's a really big piece of my work today, which is I've become number one relationship with myself.

Darla Ridilla (28:14)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (28:36)
first and foremost. And that's so significant because as women, we're kind of, we are conditioned to take care of everybody else and put ourselves on the back burner. Right? And I say, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because when you're resourced and you are able to become your own resource,

Darla Ridilla (28:51)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (29:05)
then that is actually true giving and true loving.

Darla Ridilla (29:10)
Yeah, it's filling your cup because I found lately that I can't give from an empty cup and I tend to over commit and over give and recently because I'm in the middle of a move from one state to another and I've had to cut back and say it's okay. I have to reschedule or say no, it's okay. But particularly with family dynamics to even more importantly, were as women expected to

Ashleigh Sinclaire (29:18)
Thanks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (29:40)
put up, shut up, you know, yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (29:42)
Yeah, yeah,

exactly. And I say no. And I think it's just, you know, I know I grew up, I'm sure you did too, of like, if you thought about yourself, then people called you selfish, that you were full of yourself. And both were negative. And I call it putting myself number one is self full, not selfish. Right?

Darla Ridilla (29:57)
Mm-hmm.

yes.

I think Ayana LaVanzant talks about that actually. Ayana LaVanzant. she, what have I meant? Have you heard of her? Yeah, so she talks about that, that it's not selfish and she refers to it very similarly, the way you do. Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (30:09)
Who?

uh-huh, yes.

cool.

Yeah, it's very true because it's been my experience, you know, of transitioning into, and it was a game changer for me of me becoming number one. And you know, you've got to go through all, you know, like other little crevices of pain and conditioning and, you know, making like

Darla Ridilla (30:39)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (30:50)
feeling bad because someone made you feel bad. You know, with their words, their words had you feel bad like you were selfish. And it's like, no, I just turned that around. I'm like, absolutely not. Absolutely not. When I am resourced, when anyone is resourced, it's the best gift. Best gift we can give our children as mothers. Being a resourced mother, are you kidding me?

Darla Ridilla (31:20)
Yeah. I mean, I look at it from, what's that?

Ashleigh Sinclaire (31:22)
What a concept.

I said, what a concept.

Darla Ridilla (31:26)
I know. mean, when I look at it from my own perspective, if I did back-to-back appointments and did one-on-ones all day long, I would have no energy for the clients, which is doing them the disservice and draining my pot as well. So it's the same thing in our personal life. We've got to, we've really, you talked about nature and that's really big for me. When I lived in Boulder, that was where I got the hiking bug.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (31:40)
Exactly. Great.

Hmm, good.

Darla Ridilla (31:53)
and I'm moving back to Colorado. So that's what I'm super excited about. nature, what's that? Yeah, nature just totally fills me. you know, it's interesting, there's different types of nature. So my last camping trip, I was in Phoenix and I was out in the desert, which is fine too. But I realized the energy at the campground was so different than when like I go up into mountains and I'm with the trees.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (31:57)
would.

I said good.

Darla Ridilla (32:21)
that I get more energy from the trees than I do from cactus. Not that there's a right or a wrong, but I could feel the difference.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (32:33)
Yeah, I have a really special spot here in Boulder by a river. And you know, it's right up, you know, you're at the the the foothills there. And in the summertime, I go there and I sit for six hours by the river with a comfortable lawn chair, and I bring food and water and books and whatever creative work I want to work on. And oftentimes, I'm just sitting there with

Darla Ridilla (32:41)
Ugh.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (32:59)
just literally rocking out with the rocks and the trees and the water because we need, we do, need that still quiet time with ourselves. It's like oxygen and it's so good for our nervous system and everyone's so aware of the nervous system now, And brain and our coherence, because nature, nature,

Darla Ridilla (33:13)
Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (33:28)
Like the tree is the tree. It's nothing else. It's not trying to be a bird, you know, which sounds crazy, but it's like, no, no, That's why when you go into nature, it just has that effect because it's also, it's coherent, it's aligned, it's grounded, and it is what it is. It's its true nature. It is its nature. And then it helps us.

Darla Ridilla (33:33)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (33:58)
we entrain with that so that we become our nature. Yeah, very, very powerful. I'm glad you brought that in back into the conversation.

Darla Ridilla (34:12)
Yeah, I mean, it's been super big for me. I'm really looking forward to it. mean, the two tree hugger because I actually when I hike will actually touch the trees because I can feel like a calming energy coming from them. It's my thinking time to like when I don't have a motorcycle right now, but that also is to with the breeze and riding up in the Rocky Mountains. That was my thinking time. My detox, right? Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (34:37)
Wow. Yeah. Yes.

Darla Ridilla (34:41)
Like if I think about my problems, it wasn't thinking about my problems, was more, you know, riding by the river, Boulder Canyon or Thompson Canyon or, you know, Pooter and all of those places I used to go, hearing the river, smelling this in the spring, the flowers. First of all, you have to leave your problems at the door so you don't wreck your bike, you know, but there's also being that present. really teaches you to be present and in the moment. Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (34:50)
Hmm.

Yeah. Right.

Yeah. And it's also, I don't have a motorcycle. However, I have that same, can have a similar experience when I'm driving. And because there's something about the movement. There's, there's something alchemical about being in motion in movement, contemplating or asking a simple question. Cause I can't tell you so many times where, you know, there's been like a something is up.

Darla Ridilla (35:22)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (35:41)
And I'll just go, well, I wonder why, you know, she did this or he did that, or this is so, right? Like, I wonder why. And I just allow, I just stay open and it's like, then the answer is just runs through me, like, right? Or I see it, you know, in the vision, right? It's like, my God, same thing with just with same effect sitting in nature, being in nature, hiking in nature, right?

Darla Ridilla (36:02)
Mm-hmm.

Mm hmm. Yeah. When possible, I try to go camping once a month. I was pretty good at it for a while. And that's how this whole move came about. I was camping for three days, turned my phone off, only communicated with my daughter once when I left the campground to get ice. And that's when the realization hit me that, yeah, you were talking about moving and you're you're stressing about what to do about your lease. Why? Just go.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (36:10)
all of the things.

Darla Ridilla (36:38)
go. Everything about the reasons to be here have gone away because I changed and my friend, I was walking away from my friends, not that they did anything to me, but I was walking away from my old life and I don't have family here. All of this was in those three days of just quiet. You talked about that, quiet. I try to unplug every few weeks because

Ashleigh Sinclaire (36:52)
Yeah.

Darla Ridilla (37:04)
I am on the go a lot of times. I'm a solopreneur, so I work long hours. And if I don't get some perspective, both on my business and in my personal stuff, you get wrapped up in stuff.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (37:12)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Right. And everything

gets, I know I have that experience too, where it's like, everything gets so clogged and full, right? That like, the whispers, the inspirations, right? They have no place to come through because it's just kind of, I don't want to say blocked, but it's full. It's a full tank up here.

Darla Ridilla (37:26)
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

It's definitely full tank. You know what's interesting even in my day to day life, you where I get my best ideas is in the shower. You're talking about being by water because water also has that property. That's where my aha moments or my ideas for like, oh, I'm going to try this out or you talk about so and so did this. That comes to me in the mornings.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (37:58)
Yes.

Yeah, right. Morning times, precious time. Precious time. Precious time.

Darla Ridilla (38:09)
Mm hmm. Yeah.

Yeah. So you talked a little bit about about self compassion. Do you have any kind of advice for other women on how they can kind of we talked about the inner child as well, you know, that self compassion that inner child healing. Do you have any more you can share on that?

Ashleigh Sinclaire (38:34)
Yeah.

And yes, this comes from, of course, my experience and how I've guided others. I'm smiling because I wish all things in its right timing, right? So here I am able to share it, which is I wish I would have known these sooner. I never heard this from anybody else.

and it is to be gentle and kind to myself.

Darla Ridilla (39:14)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (39:15)
And I remember a friend of mine, was doing some cranial work on me and it was in a stressful time with the family and everything. she said, you know, have some self-compassion for yourself. And the internal dialogue that went off in me was, have self-compassion, of course I do. And I didn't look at it from that, you know, like.

Darla Ridilla (39:37)
Right.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (39:43)
because the way I respond, tells the story, And it wasn't until years later, after a lot of stress, that I just had to get through. Because here's the point also, when I was in, I just like talking from my experience, when I was in this high stress mode, with my mom and some other things,

Darla Ridilla (39:55)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (40:09)
I couldn't stop to think about everything that had happened and everything that I was doing because I was just in it. As if I would have stopped at that point, it totally would have overwhelmed me. However, after my mom passed and the stress, you know, calmed down, then I was able

Darla Ridilla (40:34)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (40:37)
So it's all, call it everything is in divine timing. Like nothing's on my timetable. Nothing. Okay. Nothing. And so when I was able to, cause my system could handle it, I could start seeing like, girl, you have been on quite a journey here. Whoa. And that's when I started having this compassion.

Darla Ridilla (40:43)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (41:06)
for myself that I never had before. It wasn't until after my mom passed that I was able for the first time in my life to like look at all the different traumas. And there's a whole potpourri of them. There's about 20 different traumas that this has gone through, okay? From childhood to through almost present day. And I was like, wow.

Darla Ridilla (41:24)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (41:37)
And that's when the compassion came in. And then the gentleness and the kindness. It is the best, I will say, gentleness, like whichever one you can start with. Being gentler with yourself, speaking kinder to yourself, know, saying good morning to yourself in the mirror, you know, saying I love you. The first time I said I love you, I was like 29 years old. It was very beginning of my journey.

very, very beginning and a teacher of mine told me to do that and I was like, that's crazy. Why would I do that? I feel silly. But I did it and it was amazing. Like I literally looked, I'm sure you did too. I was looking in my eyes and said it sincerely. It was profound. I can still feel it. Like that moment all those years back.

Darla Ridilla (42:23)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (42:33)
But to be gentle, kind, talk nice to yourself. Take, this was another big one for me, I don't know, I wanna, I'm curious to see your response, pauses.

Because sometimes life will pause you if you don't, like car accidents, head injuries, hitting an elk, other big traumas, right? You're on pause. I've been put on pause.

Darla Ridilla (43:00)
Mm-hmm.

Yes. So my intuitive coach, the name of her podcast is The Power and the Pause. And she talks a lot about this, but yes, absolutely. That goes back to that. Yeah. I, you know, I still do at times, but I, in, you know, maybe the last year have totally gotten that concept. And I'm still get, I'm still getting it because

Ashleigh Sinclaire (43:08)
Right?

and not to fight it.

Yeah.

Darla Ridilla (43:34)
We had this conversation last night about how sometimes being is more important than doing.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (43:42)
Yes. And to have a balance of the two, you got to have both of them in there. My dad used to sing a song, Shoo-bee-doo-bee-doo. Shoo-bee-doo-bee-doo. Yeah. Yeah. And then the other pause I put into my life, very grateful for, is even in the beginning, even in the middle of your day, like pausing doesn't have to be long.

Darla Ridilla (43:55)
Yeah, yeah, yes.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (44:12)
but pauses in between this meeting, this client, those errands, getting the kids, making the dinner. I instill now pauses. used to create my days.

by almost the second. And I was proud of that. I felt like I'm accomplishing, right? But it was so stressful. But my system, back then, that's what it was used to. Being in this hypervigilant mode, you know how we get stuck, like all the time. I remember when my mom was living with me, I realized one day I was going to the grocery store and I like put it up into third, fourth gear.

Darla Ridilla (44:32)
Mm-hmm. Yes.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (44:59)
to go grocery shopping.

Darla Ridilla (45:01)
Ha ha!

Ashleigh Sinclaire (45:02)
It's crazy. I'm like, Ashley, you can do grocery shopping in second gear.

Darla Ridilla (45:09)
Yeah, you know, I find having a dog helps with that because he will look at me in the middle of the day. He kind of knows my routine, like, I haven't had my walk today. Like, this is what we're going to do after this recording. He hasn't had his walk today. And he will look at me even if I reach over and pet him, or he'll often come up to me when I'm in a meeting and nudge me for a pet. And it's also a reminder of, oh, I need to take a moment. Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (45:10)
Yeah.

Yeah.

It was one of the lifesavers. Like it really changed up stress levels, you know? And also when you're operating in stress, like again, your perception is different. You know, you're full, you're running at a certain pace. So you can't receive those beautiful, intelligent, intuitive...

Darla Ridilla (45:51)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (46:03)
hits suggestions, you know, and that's what will come as suggestions. It's not going to really hit you over the head, you know, until you really aren't listening.

Darla Ridilla (46:05)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-mm.

Yeah. You

know, like when my house almost burned down in 2012. Yeah, that was one of those moments. Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (46:21)
Yeah. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah.

So these are just all like little gifts that have come. And then it gets easier and easier and easier, gentler, kinder, pausing nature, time for you. And then the compassion, because, you know, the

Darla Ridilla (46:27)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (46:47)
One of my principles, we've talked about this before is like radical responsibility. I have found that to be the most enlightening, empowering, inspiring, efficient ways to accelerate my healing. Because I'm not waiting for anybody else. I'm not waiting for her approval, her acknowledgement, her willingness.

Darla Ridilla (46:51)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (47:16)
or anything, I can do it for myself.

Darla Ridilla (47:17)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and I'm guessing it goes along the lines of like, I'm not responsible for that other person's behavior, but I am responsible about my reaction to it. Tara Brock has that book, Radical Acceptance that talks about I think maybe it's is it the same thing?

Ashleigh Sinclaire (47:35)
Yeah.

I read it a long time ago, but it informed me. So it's through me. Yeah. Yeah. Because the other thing that I just realized the other day, it just arose is...

Darla Ridilla (47:40)
Same.

Yeah, personal responsibility.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (47:56)
If I'm still waiting for somebody to acknowledge or do whatever, I'm still putting myself that I'm in a victim mode. And if I'm in a victim mode, I'm not taking full responsibility, which is only shortening up my full healing. You know, and I know we talked about also like something about bridging like the stories of the past with

Darla Ridilla (48:11)
Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (48:25)
creating a new self of continuing to nurture yourself, something like that. And I know for myself and my clients, like when I have fully digested my stories, the pain, the wounds, I don't remember them anymore. They're not mine.

Darla Ridilla (48:30)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (48:43)
know? And I've had several times where people have said, Ashley you got attacked in Hawaii. did, and I'm like, yeah, that did happen. It's like so far removed, right? Because our stories, and I'm big on stories, they either imprison us or they empower us.

Darla Ridilla (48:57)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And we have a choice as to which there's plenty of things that happened to me over the years that I could be a victim about, but I have also chosen to work through them, still working through them, of course, but make them into, okay, that really sucked, but what can I do with that in a positive way?

Ashleigh Sinclaire (49:22)
Yeah.

Right, exactly, exactly. And, you know, the, I call it the internal medicine or the elixir, is naming the feeling, acknowledging the feelings, know, acknowledging what happened, dropping the story and staying with the feelings.

Darla Ridilla (49:46)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (49:56)
staying with the feelings till they release from you because they want to. Right? And then you're just left with love and joy and clarity and more energy.

Darla Ridilla (50:00)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I love that. Is there anything I haven't asked you or you wanted to share that you just, yeah.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (50:17)
Hmm. That's

a great, that's a great question. we've hit on a lot. I think, you know what, I'll close with this. This was, early on a young woman asked me this question. She said, why is the mother daughter relationship just so fraught with so much angst? She goes, I can't think of one friend.

Darla Ridilla (50:21)
Yeah

Ashleigh Sinclaire (50:46)
that they don't just have something with the mother daughter. And I was like, my God, I don't know. No one's ever asked me that. I've never thought about that before. And so I just sat there because I didn't just have an answer. And then this answer came through, which was, our mothers have fear for us.

Darla Ridilla (50:57)
Mm-hmm.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (51:15)
They've walked this path in this culture being a woman.

So they have an idea of what we're going to go through, what we're going to face. And they don't know how to speak about it. So oftentimes it comes out sideways and in all sorts of ways that they don't even intend. But again, they didn't have the tools. Right. And so to keep that in mind.

Darla Ridilla (51:24)
Mm-hmm.

Right. Right.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (51:50)
also when looking, you know, and thinking about your mom and

and who she is and who she was and what kind of relationship do you want to have with her? And you can take steps to create that spaciousness within yourself and then within the relationship.

Darla Ridilla (52:18)
It's so beautiful. Wow. Ashley, where can people find you? You know, what are you up to these days? Where can they find you?

Ashleigh Sinclaire (52:20)
Thanks.

Yeah, thanks. Well, my website, themothermonologues.com, I will be launching as today. People will be able to go to YouTube or my website and watch the whole show. It's my gift.

And I'll be up to other monologues on my YouTube channel. My YouTube channel is called, and we'll have links below, Love, Laughter, and Liberation.

And yeah, I'm also available for discovery calls and collaboration calls and speaking engagements, all of those wonderful things. Yeah.

Darla Ridilla (53:15)
Awesome. Thank you so much for being on today. I really hope that the listeners, know, the women that listen to me, that this will give them some food for thought or maybe some action or comfort or whatever, because I do know that as women, we do struggle with our mother-daughter relationships. So if some light was shed today, I do hope, I know I was very moved by our conversation when I met you. Yeah, and just, thanks again for being here.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (53:46)
Thank you.

Darla Ridilla (53:46)
And to

everyone else, yeah. And to everyone else, you have the power.

Ashleigh Sinclaire (53:53)
Have a beautiful day!