32: The Power of No Contact - Breaking Toxic Family Cycles with Becky Nieves

In this episode of You Have the Power, Darla sits down with Becky Nieves, a No BS Cycle Breaker Coach, to discuss the difficult yet empowering journey of going no contact with toxic family members. Becky shares her powerful story of navigating the painful decision to cut ties with her narcissistic parents and the transformation that followed. As someone who understands the emotional drain of dysfunctional family dynamics, Becky offers invaluable insights on how to break generational patterns, reclaim your peace, and live unapologetically.

Together, Darla and Becky dive deep into the importance of setting firm boundaries, the strength it takes to say “enough is enough,” and how healing comes from embracing your truth. Whether you're struggling with family guilt or trying to find your own path to freedom, this episode is a raw and honest conversation about choosing yourself, protecting your peace, and stepping into the life you deserve.

If you're ready to break free from toxic cycles and find the courage to reclaim your life, tune in to hear how Becky’s coaching and personal journey can inspire you to live with confidence, clarity, and power.

Find Becky Nieves at:

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Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/beckythecyclebreaker/p/DGOI5I_uSuD/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/becky-nieves/

TIkTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beckythecyclebreaker

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@BeckyTheCycleBreaker

Find Darla Ridilla at:

Website: https://www.highvaluewoman.info

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LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/darla-ridilla-3179b110/

Transcript

Darla Ridilla (00:01.579)
Hello friends, I'm so excited today to have another guest on You Have the Power. And this is a topic that is near and dear to my heart because it's something I haven't talked about a whole lot. And that is when we have to go no contact with family members. And Becky is going to have a powerful story of how she's navigated that. And I'm so excited to get started. So let me introduce you to her. So Becky is a No BS Cycle Breaker Coach.

who knows firsthand what it's like to cut ties with toxic family patterns. And after making the gut-wrenching decision to go no contact with her own parents, she turned years of pain, guilt, and self-doubt into a powerful mission, helping women reclaim their lives, rewrite their stories, and break generational curses once and for all. As someone who has spent too long in the role of fixer and caretaker,

Becky gets the emotional drain of balancing family, work, and the constant chaos of dysfunctional relationships. She's been through the wringer of feeling torn, judged, and unsure, but she's living proof that real freedom, clarity, and joy are on the other side. Her story is a testament to the grit it takes to say enough is enough, to choose yourself, and to carve out a future where peace isn't just a fantasy, it's your reality.

B Nieves (00:59.182)
you

Darla Ridilla (01:27.613)
Now, Becky helps other women step into their power, set boundaries without apology, and build lives that'll feel aligned, balanced, and free from this triangle hold of guilt. She's all about guiding moms and women teetering on the edge of burnout to reconnect with their own needs, protect their peace, and create a legacy of healthy relationships for the next generation. With her down to earth,

no nonsense coaching style, Becky isn't afraid to dig into the hard stuff and offer the kind of raw honest support that truly changes lives. If you're ready to break that cycle, reclaim your life and live unapologetically on your terms, she's here to walk with you, whatever it takes. So Becky, thank you so much for being on the show today.

B Nieves (01:56.91)
Thank you for having me. I know it is a

Uncomfortable topic for many, but one that I think we need to shed so much light on and just put it out there. Raw and ugly and all the things.

Darla Ridilla (02:31.393)
100%. I think sometimes those harder topics are actually the ones that maybe touch people the most because maybe something we will say today is something that resonates with somebody else and they've been wanting to say themselves or they've been feeling and afraid to express. As I just said off camera, this is a topic that I haven't talked a lot about. I've talked a lot about my parents and that trauma and my ex-husband and some previous relationships.

but I haven't touched a lot on the generational trauma as well as going no contact with my sister. So it's something that's been difficult to deal with, but I'm really excited to hear about your journey. If you could share what led you to this difficult decision to go no contact with your parents and what that experience has taught you about your own healing and personal freedom.

B Nieves (03:25.273)
No, absolutely. It is a very long and convoluted story as you can imagine. Most of ours are. but growing up probably at about the age, I would say eight to 10, somewhere in there, you you start to realize that your family's not quite like other families, right? you know, we didn't have sleepovers a lot. We didn't go to other people's houses. And as you get older and start talking to your friends, you're like, wait, like,

You live quite a different way than I do. So at the age of 14, I said, you know what, something is really wrong with my family. I was like, I'm going to get a degree in psychology and I'm going to figure it out. Yeah, funny. I got the degree in psychology. That did not help. And it was a constant back and forth struggle. You know, even before I had children, it was...

Darla Ridilla (04:03.873)
Yeah.

B Nieves (04:18.644)
You know, my father is a narcissist. There's no way to put it otherwise. And I would make excuses for it. I would try to explain away his behavior. I would beg and plead with him to go and to get some kind of help, you know, having a psychology degree. I realized he needed professional help. And unfortunately, my mother was his enabler.

You know, and it was a lot of, you know how your dad is, just, you know, kind of do what he says, go along with it and that sort of thing. And that set me up for a lifelong pattern of just playing it small, going along with it, being in relationships that did not serve me. I mean, when you are raised by a narcissist, you might as well be walking around with a damn neon sign on your head saying, hey, take advantage of me.

because I was literally primed from childhood to be a people pleaser, a rollover, take it type of person. and even with my degree and everything, like I still did not see it. and you know, again, we went through those cycles of just being no contact and it finally came to a head when I was 35. And I know the age precisely. know the day precisely.

It's one of those moments where you know, you remember everything like I remember where I was in my house I even remember the that color of the handset of the phone I was on because you know, we still had house phones at that time and I remember those days and We were arguing as we normally were at this time. I'd had my second child And she has a rare disease called her Mansky Puddle Ox syndrome

Darla Ridilla (05:49.289)
Mm-hmm. Yes.

B Nieves (06:04.59)
And one of the side effects of, not side effects, but one of the symptoms of it is that, you know, she's going to develop pulmonary fibrosis in adulthood. And that's a hardening and scarring of the lungs. There is no cure. It is fatal unless you get a lung transplant and you prolong your life, you know, for that amount of time after transplant. So as her mother and her advocate, it's been my job to, you know, protect her lungs. And both my parents were smokers.

And we stopped going to their house because you know, they obviously smoke in their home. And then I was like, secondhand smoke is even a thing. I'm like, you can't come to my house, not even having smoked a cigarette. You can't step outside to smoke a cigarette. like these are the rules. and you know, and I always tell people there's a difference between a request and a boundary. You know, I was making requests at that time. I was saying, please don't do this. Please don't. Then I had to set a hard and fast boundary where I said,

if you smoke a cigarette, you're not going to be invited back to my home. Like it was that sort of thing. so we were having that argument yet again, and I remember him throwing out, and this is like a long list of insults. And it was like, well, you just think you're too good and you can keep your kids in a bubble. Like, what are you going to do? Like you're walking around outside and you're going to like tell people around you to stop smoking. And I'm like, no, I can't control the world's behavior, but I can control those who I bring into my child's life. And you coming into my home is one of them.

A lot of four letter words were exchanged, not my finest moment for sure. But again, I was flying blind on this. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. And I ended the call and I said, you know, go to hell. And I threw the phone across the room. At the time, my third daughter was still home, so she was three. And I remember her walking in and looking at me. And the look on her face stopped me like dead in my tracks.

because I remember looking at my parents when they would argue like that. And I'm like, the fuck am I doing? I was like, this has to stop. This cycle has to stop. For a while, I'm like, you know what, I can take this abuse. I don't wanna pass this behavior. I don't wanna show my children that it's okay to take this abuse from people because then I'm just perpetuating the cycle. They might see that, mom put up with it. I'm gonna put up with it.

B Nieves (08:28.718)
And that was my why. That was my wake up moment for sure. And that's why, you know, I set on this very long journey of healing and doing the work and going to therapy and just doing what I could. And now I feel compelled to share my story and to help others so that they're not alone doing this whole mess of family drama and toxicity for sure.

Darla Ridilla (08:56.735)
Yeah, I have a policy that families don't get passes. If there is behavior that I'm experiencing that's a pattern of behavior that is not dealt with or changed, and it's not something I would accept from a friend or a lover, then I won't accept it from you. And it has been really tough. Definitely, I've seen the generational trauma in my own family dynamics. And with my sister, 10 years ago, I went no contact with her.

Boundaries are more about us than them, but they see it as about them. And I had not seen her for a very long time. And in June, I went to my daughter's baby shower and she was going to be there. And I really made it my mission to walk the line that I'm not gonna create a scene. This is my daughter's day. This is a big day. I flew all the way across country to be here for her, not to cause drama. And so I decided no matter what my sister did,

I was going to hold my no contact boundary without creating a scene. And it was very difficult because that needy nature that I've seen in the past, she kept like showing up in a room. I, you know, acknowledged her presence, but beyond that, when she would follow me into the next room, luckily we had rented this large home out in the mountains in the Shenandoah mountains of Virginia. So there was plenty of spaces to go to either outside or inside.

B Nieves (10:19.022)
you

Darla Ridilla (10:25.237)
that she would show up again in a room I was in. So I would just discreetly leave the room. But what was really difficult for me, even more difficult is I've had to be away from my niece who I absolutely adore. And I finally got a chance to visit with her outside on the porch and who shows up and interrupts. And...

B Nieves (10:49.539)
Of course, of course.

Darla Ridilla (10:52.755)
It was so difficult not to rage, but I knew whether Heather was there or not. we have a visitor. My dog is joining us. Hello, Goliath. Anyway, it was so difficult to not rage. Whether it was an event or not, I wasn't going to do that because that doesn't solve anything. So I chose to go upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom.

and quietly rage until I could calm down and face the room. what I think a lot of people don't understand is that it's not easy for me either. I had to go through that stage of guilt. I had to go through, I've been ostracized by some family members and some of that is her doing because she turned them against me. But what do you recommend to women who struggle with this as well? And what advice would you give them if they're afraid to take that same step?

B Nieves (11:21.582)
Okay.

I mean, I always say that sometimes maybe, is I don't want to preach that no contact is the only way with a narcissist. I realized that, you know, everybody has, you know, especially, let's say it's a partner that you have to co-parent with. So there's, there is no, no concept, like you still have to co-parent. so, you know, it may be that you need to go no contact. And I tell people like, you really need to have a very strong why that's, that's what did it for me.

Darla Ridilla (11:58.166)
Right. Right.

Darla Ridilla (12:09.77)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (12:20.14)
Like you have to be so firm in your conviction that nothing is going to shake you from that path. You know, and I liken it to my weight loss journey, for instance. Weight was another thing that I battled my entire life. And part of it was because I was holding on to all the toxicity from my father that I could not shed the weight. You know, lo and behold, a couple of weeks, a couple of years after I no contact, I was able to lose 80 pounds and I've kept it off.

Coincidence I don't think so. but it's that and the why for me for the weight loss at that time was I had gotten back some horrendous blood work and I've been trying to lose weight for years and years and years and the doctors like dude, you you've got to like fix your shit and I my wake-up call was damn I'm 40 years old and I'm gonna die before I find a cure for my daughter's disease boom my my why was bigger than the uncomfortableness of

you know, having to change my lifestyle, having to, I mean, nobody likes to exercise and eat salads. I mean, let's get real. The donuts are so much better, right? It's what we're used to and it's what we're comfortable with because, know, our, I call it our lizard, lizard brain, but our instinct is that we want to stay where it's comfortable. So if you're used to being in a toxic cycle from the outside, somebody will look at you and say, like, how the hell are you putting up with this stuff? But for you, that's what you know. So it's comfortable for you.

So you have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and you have to have faith in whatever it is you put it in, God, the universe, whatever. You have to put faith that there is something better on the other side for you, that life is better and you're not gonna see it initially and it's gonna be hard and it's gonna ebb and flow. You know, I'm six years out, no contact with my father. I was putting together a...

Darla Ridilla (13:50.817)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (14:13.11)
a PowerPoint for a presentation that I did last week. And I had to take out photographs from childhood. Now I don't have many because when I went no contact, obviously all of the photos are at his house and I don't have access to them, but my grandmother was able to smuggle out like two books. And six years out, it was hard. Like I shed tears looking at some of these photos. So give yourself grace.

I would say have a very strong why, give yourself a lot of grace and know that it is not a, know, hey, I did it and I'm done and it's over. It's never going to be over. You're like, I'm not going to bullshit you and say that it's easy and it gets less hard, but there's going to be days that are going to trigger you and bring you right back to those moments. And it's funny, you mentioned your niece's baby shower.

I actually had a similar run-in with my father. It was my cousin's baby shower, about a year and a half ago, and he was there. And it was funny, and it was a small room. There was no getting around it. And I knew he was gonna be there, but I was determined to be there for my cousin. And other relatives who were kind of on my side were supportive, and they're like, we'll sit by you. And I'm like, I got this.

cause I knew what he would do, you know, again, having been raised by him. and he didn't recognize me because I'd already lost weight by this point. Like he literally walked right by me. Didn't even know it was me. which was also funny. And at one point during the middle of the baby shower, he gets up, he starts walking over. see the determination on his face. I was like, you might as well turn right back around and sit down. We're not doing this. And he sat right back. Cause I was determined. Like you said, it wasn't my day. It was a baby shower. It was, we're not going to make a scene.

Darla Ridilla (15:49.141)
you

Darla Ridilla (15:58.434)
Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (16:03.201)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (16:06.094)
It's like, no, go sit down. And he sat down. And I think he recognized something in me that said, she's not gonna take my shit anymore. It's like, no, I'm not. So it's powerful work, it's hard work, but it's work that's absolutely worth it.

Darla Ridilla (16:26.081)
Yeah, I would agree with that. You my why has been my piece, you know, and I tried many times to go back and mend that relationship. Even when my mom died in 13, I thought, oh, this is because we started to get along. And I thought maybe this was the purpose of mom's death. Maybe we were. But within a couple of months, it was a pattern of we would get along really well. But usually about that two month mark, I would get the knife in the back. It was the clincher for me.

So there, I won't go into the details just out of respect for family members, but it started back in 2006. There, I was aware of a family member, another niece that was being abused and no one was doing anything about it. And I said, what are you gonna do about this? And I took it into my own power to call Child Protective Services and report what I thought was going on.

B Nieves (17:08.306)
Yes.

Darla Ridilla (17:24.353)
So that was really what started it and it went from there. But one second, I lost my train of thought. Oh my, why? So after mom died, I started to see the pattern again and I received an email of this like virulent accusations. And first of all, it was about something that she claimed happened many, many years ago. And second of all, I'm like, that never happened.

B Nieves (17:44.45)
.

Darla Ridilla (17:54.626)
I have no idea what she's talking about. And that's when I said, I've had enough because every time I let her back into my life within a short time period, I regretted it. And I can't help her. I can't fix her because I know as women, we so much want to fix people. We so much want them because I was close to her at one point. We were very close. But when I changed and stopped being such an angry bitch all the time and, you know, she can choose her own path.

We no longer aligned. And so my piece, I guard it like a bulldog and she got in the way of that. And I made a decision at that point that it was a permanent no contact. There's no going back. I've been hurt too many times. There's no bridge to even want to try to trust her again.

B Nieves (18:47.749)
Yeah, no, it's it's Definitely everybody I think has to make that decision ultimately for themselves, you know whether you know and and I

Darla Ridilla (18:48.353)
Thanks.

Darla Ridilla (18:56.106)
Yes.

B Nieves (18:58.934)
work with other coaches who, know, they're intent, like you said, like we try to go back and we might mend it, but my thing has always been, and I know I might get some flack for this, cause everybody's like, forgiveness is for you and not the other person. And that, you know, and I'm just not at a point where I'm there. I'm like, some things are unforgivable. and I, I stand by that statement.

Darla Ridilla (19:22.261)
Yes.

B Nieves (19:28.32)
You know, like what you just said, you know, when it comes to an abuse factor and just things that it's like, I'm no longer angry. I don't feel like I need to say the statement. Hey, I forgive you for X, Y, Z, cause I don't, I mean, it'd be a lie. You know, I know that I don't mean it. but yeah, it's, know, everybody has to have what works for them and, their own.

Darla Ridilla (19:45.057)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (19:55.426)
their coping mechanism, their bag of tricks, whatever it takes, I think.

Darla Ridilla (19:59.946)
Yeah, I 100 % agree and I'm not necessarily either. Same with you, I'm not recommending that this is the answer for everyone. It was my answer for this person. But that doesn't mean yes. And it's come with a great cost. While my piece is worth it, there's that relationship with my niece, which has been damaged again since that baby shower. Unfortunately, I saw

B Nieves (20:09.003)
Yes.

Darla Ridilla (20:27.881)
a comment on my business Instagram from my niece and I have no anger at her at all. First of all, she has a handicap. Second of all, she's being influenced by her mother. And so I do not feel any animosity, at the same time, I had to withdraw from that because I'm not going to engage. I don't feel I need to defend myself. But yeah, there's

B Nieves (20:43.546)
you

Darla Ridilla (20:55.137)
you know, going back to that fixer mentality that we have as women, we feel like sometimes we have to be that caretaker, we have to be that people pleaser. And how how would you help, you know, besides that why? What other advice would you give to women to kind of like to break out of that role so they can prioritize prioritize themselves?

B Nieves (21:15.184)
Yeah, no absolutely and I would say when you're talking about Systems like this that are so pervasive I'm a big proponent of therapy even though I definitely coach people on this like it needs to be in conjunction with You know a therapeutic modality whatever that is for you Because when it comes to I think these I call it more insidious types of abuse

because I talk about little T trauma, big T trauma, right? If you can appoint to one singular event, like there was an instance of abuse, a car accident, one event in time where you can point, say that's where life changed. Whereas when you're dealing with the systemic abuse, this is, you know, it's over time. It's like these little pinpricks here and there, you know, uh, when I say it's death by a thousand cuts, whatever it is. So that takes a lot of time to deprogram. I mean, and it's.

Darla Ridilla (22:03.937)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (22:08.438)
It's a whole process. Like I think you need to go through steps. what I would tell people that I coach, you know, first you're in realization mode. It's like, wait, this is a problem and I need to do something about it. And some people stay in that mode for a long time. They're like, it's a problem, but I don't know what to do with it. you know, and I deal with people who've come from a toxic background, so they need to go back and reparent themselves. You need to be the person for you that you wish they had been.

for your person, your parent, whoever it is, who they would have been for you. And that's work that I had to do. I'm like, wait, I didn't have the childhood that I wanted. Let me go and recreate that. I can't go back in time. I can't get them all again. I can't get the do over, right? But you need to go back and talk to that inner child because that inner child is still grieving, still processing, and has not moved on to the stage where they could actualize themselves. And then you're in rebuild mode, right?

You're reconnecting people who maybe you might've pushed away during your, you you're reconnecting with yourself, work, children, partners, other friends, whoever it may be. It's again, you're like rebuilding from the ground up. And then it's putting those systems into place that you say, okay, now I have the blueprint. I see what the issue was. I see the work that I did. Now what am I going to do to make sure this holds? Because generally when people are dealing with narcissistic personalities, like you and I have both discovered.

It's a back and forth. it's like, but I should go back or I should try to mend it one more time. And every time you do that, like every time you set a boundary with a narcissist and then you allow them to cross that boundary, it just, increases their power and it decrease, you know, it decreases your, your, your will. So I guess to keep going on, cause eventually, you know, the psyche takes enough hits. It's harder and harder to recover from that.

You know, I liken it to a boxing match. You know, you get the prize fighter, right? You're in the ring, you're in the prize fighter, you're doing life. And you you take one too many rounds and eventually there's going to be a round where you don't get up. And you just stay stuck in the cycle. And again, if you're a parent or even if you're not a parent, let's say, I mean, I always say that every adult is influencing the next generation, whether you're a teacher, whether you're a coach, whether you're a mentor, there is somebody looking up to you.

B Nieves (24:34.238)
And that's why I think it's so important that we do this work to break that within ourselves so that we don't inadvertently pass it on. So it's definitely a phase. Like it's a process. It's not a here's a one size fits all. Like I tell people, like it's my job to do whatever it takes to get you from point A to point B. You've now realized it. Now we got to get you to the point where you get through some of that messy middle and at least you're able to stand on your own two feet and keep going forward.

Darla Ridilla (24:41.835)
Yeah.

Darla Ridilla (25:02.101)
Yeah, absolutely. know, while I wouldn't consider any of my family members narcissistic, there were also, but there were toxic traits, regardless of that label. And I do think narcissism within parents is a whole other level, even though that wasn't my experience. What I do know from my own psychology background is that we depend on our parents for survival as a child. So as a child, we can't afford to have the freedom we have today as adults to say, is not okay, I go no contact.

And then you talked about that neon sign. That is so ingrained in who you are. And going back to that child, I did an exercise with my own counselor just last week where I had to go back and reparent who I was. I was four years old, my first traumatic memory, and go back as today, Darla, and say, it's okay. I'm here with you. This is scary, and it's wrong, but you got it.

You know, there are those we have to reparent because I certainly didn't have parents that were balanced and healthy. And yes, I would love to have a wonderful childhood too and a father who is kind, but that isn't my reality as well. You you talked about the difference between a request and a boundary. I thought that was a really important point.

Can you talk a little bit more about how other women can, if they struggle with setting a boundary, how they can do that? Do you have a little extra of a strategy just for themselves and those generational patterns so they can break those?

B Nieves (26:40.167)
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, my favorite thing to do is to say, well, one, no is a complete sentence. But for those of us who've been around toxic and narcissistic people, know, no, sometimes it's not that easy. You know, you know the toxic people in your family best. So I really think it comes down to writing the script. Like I know with my father, before I would get on the phone with him, I knew what he was going to say before he said it. Like I knew if I said X,

He was going to say why. So it's like, okay, before I get on this phone call, let me come up with, if he comes back with this, I'm going to say this and having that prepared so that you don't get flustered. I mean, even writing it down, I mean, I'm a big proponent of, okay, I learned something and then I need to write it. Like even in college, if I was studying, it wasn't enough to highlight the text. I had to write it out too, so that it really, really, you know, it sunk in deep.

Darla Ridilla (27:07.851)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (27:32.922)
Having that script on hand because narcissists are intoxic people. They're generally pretty predictable people surprisingly They want they want they want their control their lives are pretty like you said you got that email of vitriolic, you know garbage Yeah, they construct their own alternate reality and they live there and they are not moving from that reality

Darla Ridilla (27:39.851)
Yeah.

Darla Ridilla (27:58.242)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (27:59.36)
So definitely having that script work there so that it helps. mean, you're not never not going to get triggered, but I think being prepared. I also like to use for those who are maybe more visual than anything else. You know, sometimes when you're going to do like you had a suit up, I was actually leading somebody through an exercise the other day and I'm like, you're putting on your suit of armor, whatever it is. I'm, an Iron Man fan. So.

Darla Ridilla (28:27.745)
There you go.

B Nieves (28:28.386)
I love Robert Downey Jr. He's definitely hot. But it's like, I'm putting on my Iron. Yeah, so I think we can all agree on that. And if they ever cast another Iron Man, I will never watch the series again. But so for me sometimes, it's the visualization. Like I'm literally putting on a suit. My Iron Man suit, your Superman cape, whatever it is, do that visualization and then go into battle. Because it is a battle. mean, people are like, well, you shouldn't.

Darla Ridilla (28:33.098)
Yes.

Darla Ridilla (28:41.409)
You

B Nieves (28:57.194)
look at it from that perspective. I was like, you're not ready to go to war, you've already lost.

Darla Ridilla (29:02.079)
Yeah, that is so true. That is so true. And that's kind of what I did before the baby shower started. knew you have to set the expectation. And I like, I bet you anything, she's going to try to engage me in conversation. How am going to do that? How am I going to handle it if I get triggered, which I did deeply? What am I going to do to combat that?

B Nieves (29:03.53)
I mean, yeah.

Darla Ridilla (29:25.729)
And I think it really did help while I was still very nervous. I was very on edge. I tried not to show it on the outside. Inside I was, but at the same time, having that game plan gave me a safety net. While I felt unsafe, at the same time, I felt like because I have this boundary and I have a plan to hold it, I don't feel like I'm at her mercy. I'm still in control of my peace and my experience.

B Nieves (29:53.518)
Yeah, no, absolutely. And even not just again, you might need a support system as well. You know, you might need that other person, like, you know, at the baby shower, I knew I had a relative that I could go to. At my mother's funeral was another instance where I knew it was coming. I had other relatives call and tell me, hey, he's going to try to come up to you. I'm like, all right, I got this. went to another cousin and I was like, you're my bodyguard for the night. If he tries to come over, because at that point, I mean, we're at a funeral. So was even

Darla Ridilla (30:10.881)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (30:22.91)
you know, it my mother's funeral. And it was a more emotionally charged event. And I'm like, I knew that at that point that everything that I had in place was out the window. My mother had just died. I knew I was vulnerable. So I literally enacted a bodyguard and I have a very big, tough, mean looking cousin. And I was like, you're my bodyguard for the night. And he sat by me the whole night. He walked me to and from my car so that my father would come within not within a 10 feet distance of me.

Darla Ridilla (30:24.809)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (30:51.798)
And sometimes you have to do that. Like, especially if you know it's a supercharged situation, like you need a support person, support animal, whatever it is, but somebody who is a physical block because you know you at that moment and you need to, like I said, whatever it takes. Like that's been my mantra pretty much my entire life. I was like, I'm going to figure this out, whatever it takes. I'm going to protect my children, whatever it takes. Like you said, you're protecting your peace, whatever it takes.

And I want to touch on something you said about the cost. And that can't be understated, I think. Because another thing that I have clients do is you really need to sit down and have your pros and cons list. To one, make sure that this is the right decision for you and realize what you can possibly lose. That way it's not a shock later on down the road. Like put all the cards on the table at first, you know, and when I went no contact with my father,

Darla Ridilla (31:33.515)
Yes.

B Nieves (31:49.876)
I knew that I would lose my mother in the process because her being his enabler and she said it and when she said it, I wasn't surprised. She's like, well, if you're not talking to your father, you're not talking to me. That was, that was, I knew that was coming and I wasn't surprised because I had already had that thought process. and it cost me again in ways that I would never imagine. shortly after I went no contact with, with my parents, she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's.

Darla Ridilla (32:00.417)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (32:20.462)
and being no contact meant, one, he used that as a point to try to get back into my life, but then two, you know, not being there for my mother during the progression of her disease and ultimately, you know, not being there at the very end either. I did have an occasion to see her before she passed away. but again, with very strict, it's like, I'm going in, I'm going out and I'm not going to engage. Like you said, when you went to the baby shower.

you know, and, and it was definitely, you know, it was a price that needed to be paid. and it boiled down to, I choosing my children or am I choosing my mother? And it sounds harsh. It sounds awful. And it sounds like, I don't know if you've ever read the book Sophie's Choice, you know, when you're asked to choose between, you know, and it was, it was one of those moments where it's like, what am I going to choose? And I'm like, she's an adult. She made her decision.

Darla Ridilla (33:08.001)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (33:17.846)
to stay in a relationship and it ultimately cost her her life. I'm absolutely convinced of that, you know, by her continuing, because even after, you know, my siblings and I were out of the when we were children, we used to ask her, like, why do you stay with daddy, you know? And she's like, well, if I go anywhere, he'll take you guys away from me. That was her excuse, right? And then we all became of age and it was like, okay, now why? Like we're all out of the house and we were all.

Darla Ridilla (33:37.985)
Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (33:41.889)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (33:44.622)
you know, successful adults, like you can come stay with us. And she still wouldn't leave, still would not leave. And when she was diagnosed, the very first thing he did was had her assigned power of attorney over her, which made it damn near impossible. couldn't, there was nothing we could do. We knew she wasn't getting the proper medical care. We knew that it was going to hasten her death. I mean, from diagnosis to death was four years for her. She was only 58.

Darla Ridilla (34:11.827)
that's a long time. Wow. And she's young and it's a long time to be ill as well. Yeah, the cost is there's so many costs. There's you you weren't there, you had to make that choice. And that choice is hard. It is very hard. But one of the things I try to remind myself is there are consequences for your behavior.

B Nieves (34:18.828)
Yeah. So.

Darla Ridilla (34:35.893)
This was within your power to not have it this way. You chose to act in a certain way. It goes back to the very next book I'm reading is called The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. I don't know if you've heard the, and this kind of goes with that. We can't change other people if they want to behave in a certain way and they don't want to change that. We have to let them behave in that way, but we can choose whether or not we're going to be around it. You know, some of the,

B Nieves (34:46.754)
Yes.

Darla Ridilla (35:00.939)
consequences or the after effects are the judgment and criticism from others. And that's been difficult. You talk about the unforgivable. It's bad enough that my sister and I have had our differences between us. But she has chosen to take that as a divide and conquer and has gone to other family members. That is the unforgivable for me. Now you made it about other people.

And while I still hold those people accountable as well, because not one of them has come to me and said, I've heard this, what is your side? So that's their accountability. The fact that she continues to do so has been hard. And so what would you say to other women who may be facing that judgment and criticism as well?

B Nieves (35:46.928)
absolutely. And it's not going to be an easy pill to swallow at all, but the reality of it is you need to be okay with being the villain in somebody else's story. You know, there's no way around it. You're not, unless you're willing to take out a billboard and shout from the rooftops your story. And even then, if you did that, there are going to be people who are not going to believe you.

I mean, it just, is what it is. Like when my mother passed and I got phone calls from relatives, like you're really not going to go over there. And I'm like, no, I'm not going. Like, it's just not happening. Like, how could you, you're an, like, you have to be okay with, I'm telling you some of the DMS, some of the DMS I still get from relatives astound me. And I'm like, did you ever stop to think, I did pose this question to one relative at one point. I was like, did you ever stop to think and say, what could he have done?

that would be so horrendous that would make me go no contact. And not just me, because at that point, all of my siblings, none of us speak to our father anymore. One child, okay, two, all three. Who's the problem? You know I mean? And I'm like, and I'll just leave it right there. I was like, I'm not going to explain any further. I was like, that's the mic drop moment right there. You think about it. And you know, and that's, that's kind of the, and it's, and it takes.

practice. It takes a lot of practice, a lot of willpower to get to that level. Because I know at first, when it was still new and raw, I would, and I have a lot of, you know, we have still mutual relatives, I blocked him on social media and things like that. But we still had mutual relatives. Like I know people were still ferreting information back to him, probably stealing pictures of my kids off of my profile to send to him. And at one point, I'm like, I'm just gonna go off social media. And then I was like, but why?

I was like, that's, I was like, I can't control, again, like you said, I can't control other people sharing information with him, but I'm not going to change my habits. And, you know, I enjoyed being on social media and the connections that I made there, and I'm not going to stop sharing my life and my children. anything, I was like, I'm going to do it more because then they can see what they're missing.

Darla Ridilla (38:01.387)
Yeah, when we stand in our truth, I think that's far more important. And I've always kind of been the black sheep of the family my whole life. It's kind of been, you know, I was ostracized as a teenager when I started to speak out against my father's sexual abuse. You know, my mom was like calling me a liar and all this stuff. So I'm used to being ostracized. It still hurts. It hurts deeply. But what hurts more is to stand in

B Nieves (38:02.744)
That's it.

Darla Ridilla (38:29.267)
and an untruth. For me, that's way more damaging to my mental health than having the backlash because at least I'm standing on my truth. And if you choose not to accept it, that's okay. Once again, let them go and be. It's part of reclaiming our power. And I think you've touched on that, that it's so important for us to have our power because when we like I've

been with three narcissists married to one for several years. And I was always giving my power away. that stress is going to be there either way. I've always kind of looked at it like we can be stressed for a productive reason or an unproductive reason. Right? Yeah.

B Nieves (39:18.253)
Yeah. Absolutely. I would much rather be stressed out over, you know, juggling my children's dance schedule than dealing with a narcissist. I mean, there's good stress and there's bad stress and

Yeah, no, that was definitely a lot of bad stress. And I concur, like even as I moved into adulthood, even with a psychology degree, I dated men who, again, as a fixer, you said, I was like, wait, I couldn't fix my father. Let me see if I could fix these men. And you fall into that pattern. it literally, it was so funny. So when I turned 26 and I was at that point, I was so tired of dating the same men over and over again.

I said, I'm gonna do something completely different. was like, I am going to attract somebody into my world who is a complete opposite of what I would actually go for. Because until then I went for the bad boy, the tattoo, the longer the criminal record, the better, right? And when I went out and I met my husband, he was the opposite of.

Darla Ridilla (40:17.409)
Mm-hmm.

you

B Nieves (40:27.604)
everything I had ever dated before. He had a college degree, had no kids, drink, smoke. Hates four-letter words, actually. That's a constant point of contention with us.

Darla Ridilla (40:38.465)
It's good. I love them. So you're free to express here.

B Nieves (40:41.902)
Yes, it's so, it drives it like that's how different he was. And it's going to be 15 years that we've been married. And he's been with me, you know, during the going of no contact through all of this. And he's even said to me, like, you are not the same woman I married, but in a good way. Cause he was there for the transformation. And sometimes it's like, wait a minute, I've been doing things this way for so long. Let me just see what happens if I just go rogue.

Darla Ridilla (40:59.809)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (41:10.474)
Literally, that's why I said, I'm gonna go rogue. I was like, I'm gonna break the cycle and I'm just gonna go in the complete opposite way. And when I did that, you know, the universe brought me who I was supposed to have in my life. And I think it's a similar thing. Like if you're always, it's disrupting that pattern. It's like, just do something different, see what happens. And if it didn't work out, try a different avenue, you know? I'm a big proponent of that too. It's like, I'll try this, nah, didn't work. Because not everything is gonna be for everybody the same way you are not for everyone.

Darla Ridilla (41:26.048)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (41:40.436)
And I had to learn that the hard way as a reformed people pleaser. It's like, I got to blend into every crowd and attune myself to what everybody else wants. And now I've shifted to the complete polar opposite of like, you don't like me? well, tough shit. You know, so that's.

Darla Ridilla (41:57.216)
Yeah, which leads into my next question was about, you talk about being unapologetic. And it's interesting that you use that word because I just a few weeks ago joined a mastermind of women and it's called the unapologetic woman. And we talk a lot about aligning to what, while it's business focused, she's also removing those blocks that come from childhood. Our money blocks and our business blocks come from our narratives from the past.

B Nieves (42:00.174)
Thank

Darla Ridilla (42:25.117)
okay, we're gonna have I recently had to do something that upset some people. She said, you don't have to be feel guilty about that. There's no guilt in that you did what was best for you. It's okay. And it really goes to that. And while I'm still processing those emotions, I'm still struggling with them a little bit. The freedom to be able to say this doesn't work for me. I love you, but I have to love you from a distance really has been

B Nieves (42:30.702)
you

Darla Ridilla (42:54.953)
a very different experience. It's been nice in some ways in spite of the processing of the strong emotions I've had.

B Nieves (43:04.638)
Yeah, no, it's definitely something that again as a as a people pleaser It is not a an easy cycle to break for sure and I'm still working on I still catch myself I will walk into a room and

Darla Ridilla (43:13.323)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (43:17.142)
I'll read the room. I've gotten, well, as a child of a narcissist, you get very good at reading the mood in the room for sure. And I'm like, okay, who do I need to be? And then I catch myself and it's like, no, no, no. I am a bad-ass bitch. I need to walk in there and own that room and do it unapologetically. And it does turn some people off for sure. I have been told that I don't work well with others and I don't play well and those types of statements. And I'm like,

Good, because I spent so many years trying to fit in and play well with others. And when I've embraced that part of my personality is when I've seen the most personal growth for myself. Like I said, it wasn't just the weight loss. Once I went no contact with my, you know, I started a business. I ran for public office. became, you know, I sat on two, three different boards.

Darla Ridilla (43:48.385)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (44:14.656)
All these things that happened within a very short period of time, because I began to embrace the person that I was meant to be as opposed to the person that I had been conditioned to be. and you said something earlier, you know, and I'm sure with both of our psychological backgrounds, know Maslow's hierarchy of needs. So when those initial needs aren't met, you know, safety, food, shelter, being warm, loved, cared for, you can't move up the triangle, right? And once you deal, you know, whether it's reparenting,

Darla Ridilla (44:20.833)
Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (44:33.355)
Yes.

B Nieves (44:44.398)
learning self-love, all of those things, you correct those deficiencies that weren't met at the bottom of that triangle, then you're able to get to the level of self-actualization and step into the person that you were meant to be. And, you know, full disclosure, I'm still not there yet. Like I'm still evolving. And I think it's a continual process. I always tell my kids quite truthfully, you you stop learning when you're dead, maybe not even then, because who knows what awaits us on the other side, but it's a constant evolution.

now that I've had those needs met and I've done that work, like I am so in love with the person that I'm evolving to be. And I just want to like spread that message far and wide and share my story. Cause I think part of these very difficult topics is that, know, narcissists and those like them, you know, they do these things with the intent that they'll never be exposed. And I think once they are exposed,

Darla Ridilla (45:36.779)
Yes.

B Nieves (45:40.066)
They definitely don't like it. That's one the easiest way to piss off a narcissist is to tell the truth. mean, full stop. Just tell them the truth, right? Like, no, like this didn't happen. It's like, what the hell are you talking about? Like I've got the text messages to prove it. no, they'll go into a tizzy. You know, if you deconstruct their alternate reality. But then you shine that light on it and then it doesn't have power one over you and your narrative. And that's when you can move forward.

Darla Ridilla (45:45.281)
You're a troll.

Darla Ridilla (45:57.643)
Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (46:07.457)
Gosh, that's so true, you know, because I speak a lot about my second marriage and I was married to the narcissist and I actually started speaking out back in like 2014, 2015. I had a Facebook group and I was watching YouTube videos by a guy that had identical experiences because you talk about how predictable they are.

They're different people, but they do all the same things. And so I was sharing his videos and saying, yes, this happened to me. Let me tell you my experience. And I never named him, never will, because that is irrelevant. It's my experience, it has nothing to do with him. But he actually came out and verbally attacked me on my Facebook group with his real profile. Like, you idiot. And said thanks to the effective that I was hurting our friends and I was being unfair to them.

B Nieves (46:54.03)
Yes.

Darla Ridilla (46:59.335)
And course, you I blocked him, but he would find other ways. Like I had a support group in Santa Fe with my ex-husband that was after that. And I think he tried to infiltrate that as well. But it's like, you're not going to stop me. I mean, I'm moving to Colorado here in a few days and that's a big self-empowerment because I left 10 years ago because he was stalking me and I was terrified. That danger hasn't changed. I'm who has changed. Yes, there's fear. Yes, there's a little trepidation there, but

B Nieves (47:27.026)
Okay.

Darla Ridilla (47:29.009)
I refuse to not live in a state I love more than anything. I refuse to run from state to state, which I've done for 10 years. I've been in three different states and I realized that's because you want to go home. And I decided just a few weeks ago, now is the time we're going to do it. And no matter what happens from here on out, I'm taking my power back. He will not stop me. He will not shut me up. I will continue to tell my truth. And if you are worried about that, you shouldn't have done it.

B Nieves (47:58.157)
Exactly. is so absolutely powerful. And I resonate so much with you, how you say you are moving from state to state. Two of my siblings have actually done the same thing. I'm actually the only sibling who's actually the closest proximity to our hometown. The rest. I...

Within my heart believe that it's just because they just want to be as far away as they possibly can I will say that my father definitely doesn't have stalking tendencies to that degree But they just the physical again that physical barrier for them and if that's what works for them, know more power definitely to them, but You know, it's it's a powerful thing when you could say now this is this is what I want and I'm unapologetically gonna claim it right and I'm the one that's going to write my story from now on

Darla Ridilla (48:44.353)
Mm-hmm.

B Nieves (48:48.458)
And I think that is probably the most powerful thing I can tell. Not just any woman, definitely have, you the same struggles as well. and I don't discriminate either, but just in moving forward, owning your truth, owning your peace and saying, this is the new narrative and what happened in the past, who I was in the past. You know, do that forgiveness work too. That's another big piece that I forgot to touch on, but forgiving yourself for putting up with what you did.

Darla Ridilla (49:09.921)
Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (49:14.88)
Yes.

B Nieves (49:18.914)
Like I had to forgive myself for, you like I said, I went no contact six years ago. I have a now nearly 22 year old son. So I hadn't done the work that needed to be done when I was raising him initially. So he was already a teenager by the time I went no contact with my parents. So he was there for all the toxicity, all of those things. And he is definitely a different child than my other children are.

Darla Ridilla (49:19.275)
Yes.

B Nieves (49:47.63)
because he was exposed to things that they have not been. And I went back and I asked, I forgiveness to myself for not being the mom that he needed. And I went back and asked him for forgiveness. And we joke about it now, cause that's our dry sarcastic humor coping mechanism. He'll tell me, I was just your test baby. I'm like, yeah, you were the test for me. Cause I have four kids. I was like, I had to practice on you first. But.

Darla Ridilla (49:50.913)
Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (50:03.681)
You

B Nieves (50:15.098)
All joking aside, know, it definitely, there are behaviors that I see in him now as an adult and watching him try to move on into his life. You know, and it hurts me because I know that I had, I had a hand in that because I wasn't the person that I am now. And he was parented by a very different mother. so now I'm doing my best of course, to help him navigate his life.

while allowing myself the space and the forgiveness to say, you know what, you you did what you could until you knew better, but once you knew better, you took action. And I think that's, that's the big difference where some people stay stuck in the victim mentality. You know, they might know some things off, but they don't take that action. And I was telling somebody too, like knowledge is not power without application. You can consume all the podcasts, all the self-help books.

You can get the psychology degree, you know, until I took everything that I knew and did something about it. I was spinning my wheels and that that's, it's, it's tough to look yourself in the mirror and say, yeah, you know, I, know that I need to do better. want to do better, but where's the catalyst for change? When are you going to say, okay, today is the day that I'm going to do better.

Darla Ridilla (51:13.377)
Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (51:38.306)
I think the catalyst is when the pain of where we are is worse than where we're going. Mary Kay Cosmetics taught me that and I think I've, in every area of my life, it's definitely been that catalyst. You know, as we start to wrap up, I want to kind of circle back at that forgiveness thing because I agree that there should not be an onus on the victim or the survivor to forgive the abuser.

B Nieves (51:47.406)
Okay.

Darla Ridilla (52:04.193)
I actually recorded a solo podcast, which I'm probably not going to release because I was pretty angry when I recorded it. it, right? I'm going to redo it. it was based on Matthew Hesse was interviewing Dr. Ramani, who is like the guru of narcissistic abuse. And she was talking about that. And it really, I, it puts, it's, it's hurtful. I agree. The only person that needs forgiven is ourselves because

B Nieves (52:10.286)
I've done a few of those.

Darla Ridilla (52:34.069)
those decisions as well that I made in the past were based on who I was and who I wouldn't make those same decisions today. And it's okay, because it actually was the past that led to my healing. But to ask me to forgive my parents or anyone in my life for the abuse they gave me, no, I'm not going to do that. And I don't think I'm ever gonna be at that place. And I'm totally okay with people who choose it. That's okay too. But

I'm choosing not to because I don't want to.

B Nieves (53:06.91)
Yeah, and that's taking your power back in your story you have that choice I would not listen to Anyone who says you have to forgive I don't have to do shit You know like and and that was definitely I spent some time in therapy and it was very funny I didn't realize what I was doing but my therapist pointed it out to me and he's like you realize that you talk about and this is literally how I spoke to him I was like there's this chapter and this chapter and this and that's how in my head

Darla Ridilla (53:10.113)
Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (53:17.183)
Right.

B Nieves (53:33.87)
I had partitioned off my life. And he's like, he's like, you literally taught, well, I'm a book nerd too, so that does help. But he's like, you talk about your life very interestingly. And I was like, yeah, because the person in that chapter wouldn't do what the person in this chapter is doing. And I'm still working on why I did that and why I allowed it. And that's when I was able to move through the forgiveness work more for myself than anything else. I would say that the only other thing you don't necessarily, I think have to forgive.

the person who caused you the hurt, but I look at it from a more spiritual, whether you're a religious person, a spiritual person, God, universe, whatever it is, I think you need to forgive that divine power too. Cause if you stay angry at God, universe, whatever you want to call it, that, why did this happen to me? And I'm pissed off. Like putting that negative energy out there, you're,

Darla Ridilla (54:18.997)
Yeah. Yeah.

B Nieves (54:30.606)
magnifying that back definitely towards you. So that was some work that I had to do to forgiving myself and forgiving the universe because then I had to change a narrative. Okay, this didn't happen to me. It happened for me. And I did the same thing you did. I recorded a podcast where I was like railing at the universe and I'm like, yeah, maybe we're not going to release that one. And I eventually did rerecord it in a much healthier spot with a lot less four letter words. I'm like, okay, why did this happen for me? And when you

Darla Ridilla (54:50.753)
you

B Nieves (55:00.098)
Just tweak that sentence, like this happened for me. Like I went through what I went through in my childhood so that I could go out and change the world. Like literally, that is now my mission. I went through this so I can put the story out there. I want to change the world. And it's bigger than just helping people get through their cycles. I want to impact global change. And that's my mission. And I think that's, everybody has their reason for being here. And...

Finding that holding on to that and that'll see you through those dark days for sure

Darla Ridilla (55:33.375)
Yeah. Before I ask people how they can find you, is there any final thing you would like to share or something I didn't ask you that you would like to share?

B Nieves (55:42.226)
God, I'm sure there's a whole bunch. no, definitely, you know, cause I could talk for hours, but no, definitely, you know, like I said, my mission is to affect change only because, and there's a reason I'm so passionate about that. You know, I've worked in corrections. I've worked in the public school system. I've worked community mental health. And again, my why was my children. And I think we just want to leave the world. Like I tell my kids, my whole purpose in life is to raise good humans and be a good human.

Darla Ridilla (55:43.905)
Hahaha!

B Nieves (56:11.724)
And that's it. And I think when you distill everything down to its most basic form, that's where it comes from. So do the work and be a good human and the world will be a better place. In my Pollyanna, you know, universe. One person at a time. Yeah, exactly.

Darla Ridilla (56:26.687)
one person at a time. We can be the example. There you go. Well, please share with the audience, know, what a little bit about your coaching, you know, what you do and how people can find you.

B Nieves (56:40.518)
Yeah, no, absolutely. So I'm on all the major socials, my favorite, you know, my YouTube, my LinkedIn, my TikTok, Instagram as well. I do have an eight week coaching program that I provide. It's eight weeks to breaking free from toxic and narcissistic people. pretty much it. And I also, I believe in group coaching only for the reason, like we stated, collective grief, collective sharing, I think.

help speed up the process, but not everybody's ready for that. And I understand. I do offer one-to-one coaching as well. I answer all my own emails and DMs. So feel free to reach me that way. I have a complimentary break free chat that I offer as well. Let's talk about your story and see where I can help fill in those gaps and pull out your why. And my job is to do whatever it takes. So all my handles are the same. Becky, the cycle breaker, I'm sure Darla will.

link all those lovely things in the show notes. Exactly. So I'm pretty easy to find and let's just have a conversation. Again, I think communicating, you know, these stories only just brings more truth, light and power to everything.

Darla Ridilla (57:39.625)
We will. put them in the show notes. Yep.

Darla Ridilla (57:55.475)
Awesome. Thank you so much for being on the show today. I've really enjoyed this conversation on a personal level, but I'm sure the listeners as well, there's going to be somebody out there that's going to say that's me. That is, that's what I'm experiencing. Thank you for saying that. And thank you for sharing your story and your healing journey and your taking back your power. Awesome. Yes, I love to talk. It's good thing I do it for a living.

B Nieves (58:17.628)
Thank you for having me. I could do this all day.

B Nieves (58:23.508)
There you go.

Darla Ridilla (58:25.281)
And to all my listeners, you have the power.