34: Reclaiming Your Voice: My Story of Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

Welcome to the first episode of a brand new four-part series: “Reclaiming Your Voice After Narcissistic Abuse.” In this deeply personal and vulnerable solo episode, I’m opening up about my own journey—three narcissistic relationships, including a marriage to a malignant narcissist that left me silenced, isolated, and stripped of my sense of self.

I share how narcissistic abuse erodes your voice, your boundaries, your reality—and how financial manipulation, emotional control, and gaslighting kept me stuck for years. From trauma to chronic pain, C-PTSD, and the terrifying moment I realized an ex broke into my home, this episode is an unfiltered look into what it really means to lose your voice—and how I slowly began to reclaim it.

This episode isn’t just about surviving—it's about remembering who you are, trusting your body’s truth, and taking your power back, one boundary at a time.

This series is for every woman who has ever felt silenced, questioned her reality, or wondered how to start over. I see you. I’ve been you. You have the power.

✨ Don’t miss the next episode in the series—an eye-opening guest interview with Tina, who will share even more insight into the subtle ways narcissists test and break boundaries.

🗣️ Let me know—How did you begin to reclaim your voice after abuse? I'd love to hear from you.

#NarcissisticAbuse #ReclaimYourVoice #TraumaHealing #YouHaveThePower #SomaticHealing #PodcastSeries

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Transcript

Darla Ridilla (00:46)
Hello friends, welcome to another episode of You Have the Power. So I'm so excited because I am actually changing the format of my podcast. As you know, I started out doing just solo episodes and then I've been experimenting with having guests on and I want to bring more value to you during this podcast and make it more interesting and create a little anticipation about the next episode.

So I have decided to start doing some series of topics that will be in four parts. And what's that? What that is going to look like is I'm going to start the series with a solo episode on the basic topic. And then there's going to be a guest that's kind of going to enhance that solo episode topic. Third part series, part of the series will be me doing another second solo episode, kind of preparing you

for the fourth, which will be a second guest. This will create some continuity, also give you more richness of content. So I'm super excited about this. I hope that you enjoy this new format as well. So since I do specialize in trauma and narcissistic abuse, even though my focus in my coaching is self-love and the healthy relationship within oneself,

I do have to say my lived experience, my training and my passion is to help women to heal from trauma or narcissistic abuse, whichever happens to be in their lives. So I'm going to start a theme, a series called reclaiming your voice after narcissistic abuse. And so this episode is going to be about finding your voice again. How often when we experience trauma, we are silenced either directly or indirectly.

Many of you have heard my story that I have had three narcissist romantic relationships in my life. And the first one was definitely the most dramatic and I was married to him. We were together for 10 years and married for six He was definitely a malignant narcissist. He was extremely charming, but also very controlling. And one of the things that was really big to him was his image. He was a kind of a Teflon Don. He was well known in the community that we were in.

He was well respected. He was very charming to everyone. The only difference was I lived with him. I spent 10 years with him and I saw a side of him that most people did not. And one of the biggest problems when I ended the relationship and then a year later figured out during my coaching that I had been in an abusive relationship and I started to share

my experiences and my different perspective of that, people didn't believe me because over that 10 years, I had been silenced to an extreme. He had all these really odd roles. Like even if we weren't fighting, if we were speaking in public, I was never allowed to point my finger at him. And one of the things he said to me was, ever point your finger at me because people will think we're arguing.

like first of all, who cares what people think? And sometimes I'm as East Coast or top of my hands, you know, I just do that, it's a thing. The other thing is, is that he like literally forbid me from discussing what happened in our home behind closed doors with others. It was basically a divide and conquer. He was isolating me because if I...

If I don't go to others, maybe something's bothering me or I need some advice or guidance. Remember, know, girls we talk, but if I'm not sharing what's going on, he has all the power and I'm not able to bounce it off people like, hey, this feels off to me. While at the time I didn't know I was being abused, I didn't know I was with a narcissist, when I look back from day one, my stomach turned many times.

And I am an empath and intuitive and I did sense things, but I brushed them under the rug. And because I wasn't quote unquote allowed to or told not to share and get guidance, he was able to do whatever he wanted to do. And I had no outside influence. And that turned out to be very dangerous for me because I only had his perspective, which was totally warped and nobody else's.

as well, he gradually slowly broke down my boundaries. And part of that was losing my sense of self, which is also a part of my voice. And you will hear Tina talk about this in the next episode, but they do break them down and they do test them. And they she she used that, you the example of, of given edge take a mile, and very much so in in abusive and narcissistic relationships, if you give them any

leeway, they will find a way to push back. It's as simple as asking maybe for that first kiss. And you say, No, I don't want to do that until I actually date you. And then you end up doing it anyway. Or they want to I don't know any anything that that they want to do if you initially say no, and or you reconsider, you are sending a clear

message that they have the power and now you don't and you will lose your voice over time and kind of the scary thing of a narcissistic relationship is you won't even realize it's happening. You've heard me say many times about that drip effect about that rock that erodes over time you don't see it on a daily basis but go back in a few years and you will see a significant smaller rock or no rock at all because the river one drip of water at a time has eroded it.

And this is exactly what happens to us. And then there are other types of abuse. Now, primarily, I experienced mental abuse, but there was financial abuse. So you can lose your voice in financial abuse too. Many of them will encourage you not to work. In 2012, when the company I was working for was doing a merger, and many of us were gonna lose our jobs, and I did.

have a severance package coming, but they hadn't laid me off yet. When I finally did get that package and got my severance, I started a new business in 13. Ironically, it was about self-empowerment. How crazy was that? Because I was giving away my power every day in my own home. But he was all for it for me. I called it, I was retiring and quit my job and started a business because...

Not only did I not work anymore and I didn't have any income from that job or that business or very little.

He also convinced me to cash in all of the retirement and savings I had available to me at the time. His promise was that we were going to invest in real estate and within a three year plan, we would be wealthy. And it sounded phenomenal and it sounded great. And because I was married to him, I 100 % trusted him. I handed over every single penny of everything I had. And strangely enough,

When he asked for a divorce a few months later, he said it was all spent. When you do the math, when I did the math, didn't add up because we, I mean, besides the fact that we, we owned a, I mean, we rented a house that we couldn't afford, but even when you factored in that, there's no way we could have spent all that money. What are you dead with my money? I have no idea. I have no idea. But here's the thing. He held all the power because

In July of 2013, when he asked for a divorce, I was penniless. My credit cards were maxed out. I had no savings, no job, barely anything on my checking account, if any at all, because he paid all the bills.

And this is what they often do. You don't have a financial voice now and they have all the control. Luckily, I was willing to walk away, even if that meant being on the street and I found a way and the universe, you know, I have a way of manifesting and sometimes it was a nick of time to pay my bills when I did move out and leave, but I lost my financial voice. There can be any number of physical and sexual abuse that goes on and...

while that wasn't primarily what happened, there was elements of that. And in extreme domestic violence, now I personally consider any form of abuse, whether it's mental, physical, sexual, financial, whatever it is, any form of manipulation is domestic violence in my definition. But when we're talking severe physical abuse, that can definitely take away your voice very quickly.

Biologically, men are stronger than women, not better, but they are biologically, physically stronger. And when a man either threatens to or does hurt you physically and may even threaten your life, that is a very real threat. And that can also take away your voice. In those situations, you have to be super careful about getting out for sure.

but they find a way some more subtle, some not so subtle.

So how do you find your voice after all of these things? How do even find the courage, first of all, to leave, to stand up for yourself because standing up for yourself is using your voice. I think first of all, you just have to accept that this is an unhealthy situation. It's not going to change.

and you must leave no matter what that means. if that means you're on the street, that's better than staying. And let me tell you why. There are a lot of stressors on the body and the mind when we are in an abusive relationship.

I still to this day have chronic pain. It'll be 12 years this July that I left. And I developed chronic pain probably about 10 years ago. And I still have it. I have complex PTSD, which means I can still get triggered. And I'm doing phenomenally better. But I still have problems with anxiety. You can get adrenal fatigue.

So you're in the fight or flight mode, you're hypervigilant all the time because you're, you don't want a reaction from him or you don't understand why they're, reacting the way are you become so hypervigilant and that fight or flight is not designed for use and constant use in your body. And so that really strains your organs and there's a general fatigue, there's all kinds of physical manifestations that can come cancer.

And unfortunately, in some cases, suicide is also a result of narcissistic abuse. I would say that probably comes a lot of times when there is physical abuse and a woman wants to leave, and they've been isolated, or just mentally, they just can't find the capacity to leave, but they don't want to stay. And that's their only way out. It, it quite frankly, is a mindfuck, no matter how you look at it.

And if you don't find your voice and you don't leave, those are really your realities.

and I'll be really honest.

I would rather die trying than not try at all. Because you're already dead inside anyway, and you're headed towards physical death. You're already mentally dead. And if you don't get out, you're never going to revive.

once you are out and you do, you know, all of us have to make that choice about how much we're going to speak out and to who I personally publicly speak out. That's just how I've chosen to process that for me. I want to help others. And in order to do that, I have to share my story, which has been healing for me for sure.

But at the very least, find a shelter, find a support group, and start talking to someone who will understand. I think that's the best place to start because often, like what happened with me is when I started to share my experiences and because he had done such an amazing job of covering up who he really was, and then began a smear campaign against me when I left. People didn't believe me.

And then you've already questioned your reality the entire time you've been in this relationship. And then you start to question it again.

So in my last narcissistic relationship, a month after I kicked him out, he broke into my apartment. I now have cameras, but at the time I didn't. I did see evidence of him getting in because I saw where he popped the screen out. He was tall, so he could have easily reached around. had a security bar, but a tall person with long arms could have removed that.

But you know how I know it was him? Because I had a 120 pound dog. And he was very protective. And nobody got in if he didn't know him. There's only one person, because he lived with me for a year. And that dog knew him. There was only one person that could have gotten past that dog. So I noticed I had a dreamcatcher like a suncatcher. And it was

knocked on the floor. The window was open past the where the bar was and the but that was interesting is the security bar was laid very neatly right at the edge of the ledge. I felt like there was a message of you know I was here. You know I did it. I don't know why he did it. I don't know if he came in looking for something and decided to do that as a you know like a drama.

if he did it to scare me because that ironically it was a week before I took the trip to Colorado and if you've heard some of my other podcasts about me deciding in fact the one about when my dog died a couple weeks ago and that trip was a week before that chap that's very interesting because he knew I was going because that's when I was still talking to him I had mentioned it anyway here's my point I knew my place had been broken into I saw the evidence I saw the scratches on the screen

But there were moments when I questioned it. Like, am I sure? Did I move the bar and just forget? But then I remembered, well, wait a minute. Even if I had, I would have not knocked the sun catcher off the window and heard it fall and not done something about that. Like I had to remind myself that indirectly he was making me question it. And maybe that was the purpose too, just to fuck with me.

This is just one example of how they get you to question your reality, particularly after you leave.

I made it a point to tell several friends what he did. I could tell some like didn't really believe me some, you know, took it with a grain of salt. But here's why I did that. Because while he showed no violent tendencies during the time of that relationship, the fact that he would do something so crazy as to break into my apartment for whatever reason he did it told me that there's more under the lid than I realized.

Whether or not he was capable of physical violence, I still don't know. I really don't. I mean, there's a part of me that would like to believe that he's not, but I can't say that anymore.

But I had to tell my friends because just in case he was, I wanted them to know if something happens to me, this is who it is.

We need to be able to share it with people who are going to believe us because it's going to be hard to share in the first place. And if we get anyone who really pushes back like some of my friends did, it's hard to swallow, you're already hurting. You don't want to start questioning your reality after the fact, after all those years of doing it, and then now you're out and you're doing it again. Find someone like I said, a support group, a coach, a counselor, a shelter.

that has dealt with this, understands it and knows that your reality is your truth.

if you feel comfortable speaking out and helping others, that's that's, that's great. You know, and if not, that's great to

I want you to go back and think about all those times that that narcissist or abusive person asked you to question your reality. And I want you to think about how your body felt in that moment because your body knows the truth. Did you feel tightness in your throat? Did you feel your chest feel tight in your stomach upset? Shoulders go up. mean, any kind of physical sensation that was uncomfortable or off. And I want you to remind yourself.

that no matter what the narcissist told you your reality was, that your truth, what you knew is the truth. That alone validating yourself helps you to get your voice back. Also want you to think about all those times you did give into your boundaries, because your boundaries are your voice as well. And.

Maybe there was something in your childhood, maybe like me, I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. So my father was emotionally unavailable and abusive as well. So that was my comfort zone. What is your comfort zone and why? And that is a great opportunity, whether you are able to go see a counselor, go to that support group, read books, self-reflection, healing modalities, find out why, why you got involved with that person in the first place. It's not your fault.

because when you start to understand yourself...

you're going to want stronger boundaries. And it's going to be important. And if you are back out in the dating world, or you have friendships or whatever the real maybe it's a work relationship, and I know a lot of people have encountered that as well. Maybe next time, you're going to detect it faster the red flag, and you're going to be able to either nip it in the bud or walk away faster.

Write down, journal.

Write it down. Document it for yourself. Validate it for yourself.

And no matter what, no matter who pushes back, even if it's a best friend that you trusted and now they're not supporting you in the way you need, don't ever question your voice.

Whenever we we want to keep our power and not give it away to others. That's the number one way.

I'm really excited for this series. really hope that this is helpful for you. I'd love to get your feedback. I'd love to hear. Please email me or respond on social media and tell me what your experiences are and how you found your voice after an abusive relationship.

So excited to share my stories with you. I hope they're helpful to you. And please come back next week. You are not gonna want to miss this interview I did with Tina. You have