38: Understanding the True Face of Domestic Violence

In the first episode of our powerful new series, Breaking the Silence: Healing From Domestic Violence, host Darla Ridilla opens up about her personal journey and sheds light on what domestic violence really looks like beyond physical bruises. From emotional manipulation, gaslighting, financial control, to sexual abuse, Darla dismantles the common myths that minimize non-physical abuse. She speaks candidly about the hidden scars, the toxic cycles of abuse, the guilt victims often feel, and the courageous steps toward freedom. This heartfelt episode is a beacon of hope and validation for anyone who has questioned their pain or been told "it wasn't that bad."

Remember: Your experience is real. Your healing matters.
Stay tuned for Part 2, featuring a moving guest interview you won't want to miss.

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Transcript

Darla Ridilla (00:01.752)
Hello friends, welcome to the next series. Today's going to be part one on a new series called breaking the silence. Today, we're going to start a new series called breaking the silence, healing from domestic violence. I would like to talk about what domestic violence really is. Many people think it is only physical abuse when you're being beaten when there are bruises on the outside.

But the truth of the matter is domestic violence takes a lot of different forms, and it often shows up in a narcissistic abusive relationship.

So my experience has been primarily mental abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, guilt tripping. And that is domestic violence. It doesn't matter that there was no physical contact during that interaction. It was abusive because it got me to question my reality. It was a mind fuck. It affected me negatively. So

Whenever there was mental abuse in my relationship, that definitely was domestic violence. That was the financial abuse that I experienced. That's domestic violence. There have been sexual abuse in my life, throughout my life, domestic violence. So whenever something happens and it's an abusive nature, it's manipulative, it's gaslighting, that is domestic violence. It drives me crazy.

that people who have experienced mental abuse are discounted, that it wasn't that bad. He didn't hit you. At least he didn't hurt you. no. And some ways, you know, I think mental abuse actually lingers longer, because of the stigma, because there's no outside evidence that something has happened that there has been an injury. And so I think that gets in our head. And we tell ourselves what others are telling us.

Darla Ridilla (02:08.908)
that it really wasn't that bad. I mean, after all, they're right, he didn't hit me. But he did with his words. And because that bruises on the inside, I think we carry it much longer. It's much harder to let go of, we feel like we're making a big deal out of nothing. Like we're being dramatic. And the truth of the matter is you're not you have been hurt, you have been violated. And

you need to realize that you are a victim, you can become a survivor. But in that moment, and then the initial stages, you're a domestic violence victim.

Many abusers have tactics or cycles that they use. First of all, they try to make it make you feel like it's your fault. You the example I've given before is my ex and I got into an argument and he took the computer and threw it on the floor. And when I got upset that he done it, he said, what's your fault? If you hadn't made me angry, I wouldn't have thrown it. But he's a grown man who can make his own decisions.

No matter what I said or did or how angry I made him or how he perceived what I did as an attack, he's still responsible for his own behavior. So no matter what they tell you, any type of abuse is never your fault. No matter what you can say or do, you do not deserve to be hit. You do not deserve to be demeaned. You do not deserve to be gaslighted.

Do not let the abuser turn it on you. It's called transference, where they don't want to take personal accountability for their actions, whether they can't, won't or are incapable of it. But in order to deflect that hatred they have inside or that uncomfortable feeling, those who aren't narcissistic, who have a moral compass, subconsciously know what they're doing is wrong. And so they don't want to take the blame or feel that weight of

Darla Ridilla (04:21.964)
what they've done. And so they projected on you. You'll often hear stories of someone who's cheating on their partner, and they'll accuse the partner of cheating, who isn't cheating, because that person who's making the accusation is, and they're deflecting the blame on themselves. So remember that with domestic violence, no matter what form it is, you do not deserve it. You do not have to accept it.

And you need to leave if it's a situation where you're in physical danger. There's no working it out. There's no going to therapy. You have to do it in a safe manner, of course, because statistically, I believe in the first seven days is when the most murders happen when women leave abusive relationships. And depending on that level of threat, you have to be careful if you need to go to a shelter, if you need to have a friend who is supportive and can give you a place to stay.

I would recommend you do that.

Darla Ridilla (05:27.372)
So when I talked about the cycle.

Often what they will do is they will do something to upset you or they'll hurt you physically or mentally. And then they'll come back with their their words of, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I won't do it again. I shouldn't have hurt you. They will often be extremely apologetic promising never to do it again. They may even get you a gift to come home with flowers or all of a sudden they booked this extravagant vacation or they take you out to dinner.

and for a few days or a short period of time, they may actually appear to have changed. But what will often happen if those are just words and there's no action or intention behind those words, they're only doing that just to appease you so you'll stay.

If they don't mean it, it's going to happen again. And the thing that I have found with any form of domestic violence is it escalates over time. It gets worse. They get more brave. It's kind of like the criminal who starts by stealing a pack of gum and sees what they got away with. And then the next time they do something, they steal something bigger or more expensive and then more expensive. And this is what happens in domestic violence as they break you down.

as they get you comfortable with letting your boundaries down, that gives them permission to up their game, to do it more frequently to have a stronger reaction. Maybe they just pushed you the first time, but the next time they hit you, maybe they shove you down the stairs. If you've ever seen the movie or read the book, it ends with us. It actually touches on that how

Darla Ridilla (07:19.31)
his anger got out of control. And he hits her. And of course, he does what I just said, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that, blah, blah. But it did happen again. And she had to leave. And she had to accept the fact that he had anger issues and was not in control of himself. So remember that it's a cycle, they want you to stay because it's a lot easier to keep what you have than to attract something else. And it's a control thing if they're narcissistic.

They enjoy breaking you down. enjoy controlling you. And so whatever their game is, whatever their mental dysfunction is, don't play it.

If they really, really have a come to Jesus moment and they realize what they've done is wrong, that's going to show an action.

They're going to back up those I'm sorry words with doing something about it. They're going to go to therapy, they're going to go to a support group, they are going to actively work on themselves to get to the root of why they have done this. Anything short of that is just words. Saying you're sorry, and being sorry are two very different things.

But in my opinion, if they are physically violent, no matter how sorry they are, my opinion is you leave and you don't go back because you really cannot take that chance of even if they're working on themselves, what if they have a relapse and I get physically hurt or worse and in the process. That's just something I want to deal with.

Darla Ridilla (09:08.854)
I'm not saying that it's better or worse than the mental abuse.

But if you're injured bad enough or you're killed, there's no working on yourself in the future. There's no having a relationship in the future with somebody else that's healthier. If you are not on this earth and alive, and especially if you have children. I do want to address that. So many people stay for the children.

Darla Ridilla (09:44.952)
But look at the example you're giving your children, that this is how a man is allowed to treat a woman. Is that how you want your girls to to act when they are grownups and they are involved with a man? If you have a son, what you're teaching him is that it's okay to be mean to your partner, it's okay to be abusive. You're teaching them to be abusive in the future because it's their normal.

It's not a healthy normal, but all of us have childhood experiences that have molded into how we behave as adults.

Show your children that you have self-respect. Show your children that you are strong. Show your children that you can do hard things. it's a case where you do need to leave, whether it's physical, mental violence, whatever it is, show them that you deserve better. And you want them to see that not only does your mom deserve better, but you deserve better. You deserve a healthy environment to live in. You my mom stayed with my dad.

She left him twice, once when I was four and again when I was 15. And she always went back, which is also a common thing for victims to do.

But she didn't really help us as children. She did such a great disservice to us. My father was primarily mentally abusive. I'm fairly certain he was bipolar. He was extremely unpredictable. He could go into a rage over the simplest little thing. We were always walking on eggshells. And to this day, I have major anxiety issues, which I'm working through. But it comes from that fight or flight mode that I've been in since the day I was born.

Darla Ridilla (11:37.964)
because we never knew what version of dad was coming home. That's domestic violence. And yes, he was physical with her at times. He never actually beat her, but he hit her with things. He broke things. He tortured us mentally. He made it so uncomfortable to be in the house, whether through his yelling, because he wouldn't leave us alone, or setting an alarm and refusing to turn it off. There were nights that all of us, the three kids and my mom,

had to sleep in the car even in the wintertime while he slept in a warm bed. What message did that send me? That men can't be trusted, that men are abusive, that and this is why that all of my men in my life have been emotionally unavailable because my father was and it was my normal. And I've had to learn and break that cycle that that normal is not healthy. So that's the thing to think about.

you know, I brought up about how my mom went back. That's a very common thing. And I did the same when I left my narcissistic husband, I had what's called Stockholm syndrome, I was trauma bonded. So even after I left, I was in still frequent contact with him daily, texting, calling, we went out to dinner once a month. While I wasn't in a relationship with him, I was interacting with him and I did sleep with him once.

right around the time the divorce was final. I told myself it was foreclosure, but it was it was it was not a good thing to do. But I have to also have compassion for myself that in that moment, it was the decision I made because of who I was. Today, I would not make that decision. In fact, I no longer give men second chances. As of my last relationship, I cut that like no more.

We're not even going to be friends because that doesn't work. And I deserve more than that. If you can't be a good partner to me, you're not going to be a good friend either. But let's go back to when women are in abusive relationships. We often stay too long and we go back.

Darla Ridilla (13:53.186)
When you do this, I want you to have compassion for yourself. This is something I've had to extend to myself as well. It goes back to what I just said.

If you've been with a narcissist, you've been brainwashed to think a certain way. And I'm sure even just with domestic violence in general, there is a form of brainwashing because you are conditioned to avoid the abuse to behave in a certain way not to trigger them.

You want to see the best in people. You want them to go back to that person you fell in love with in the beginning, which was probably wonderful and not abusive. But if it's a narcissist, that person's never coming back. If they're not a narcissist, that's, that's up for grabs. And if they don't do the work, and if they don't go to therapy, and they they're not serious about it, that person is not coming back.

If you get if you've gone back more than once, that happens. Doesn't mean you can't leave again and stay. You know, it's think of it as an addiction. Many alcoholics and drug addicts, they have relapses. They they use sometimes just the slightest amount of contact can create that emotion that need that desire. And it can suck you back in.

So that's why no contact is so important after we leave relationships or marriages. I understand if you have kids, that's harder to do. So it's gonna be limited contact. It's gonna be only to the kids, not talking about personal, not hanging out, limiting your interactions and time with them. But.

Darla Ridilla (15:40.916)
When you have a relapse, this is part of the healing process. I want you to brush yourself off and say, I made a mistake. That doesn't mean I can't start over.

Darla Ridilla (16:00.13)
This is not your fault. You're not going to do it perfectly.

Darla Ridilla (16:07.31)
But if you are able to stop in that moment, no matter how many many mistakes you've made in the past, no matter how long you've been with this person, you are better off alone and not with this person. Even if it means you have to go to a shelter or on the streets, because that is something that you're moving forward, you are moving towards a better life, even in the beginning, if it's actually gets worse for a little bit.

It's like when you have surgery, the pain of that hip replacement is worse than the pain of when you were hurting. But as you go through recovery, that pain lessens. And when you heal, a whole new world opens back up for you. And this is how removing ourselves from a violence situation and healing from it works. In the beginning, it's hard.

Let me tell you, I broke no contact a lot.

Darla Ridilla (17:12.886)
My last boyfriend, even though he wasn't narcissistic, 10 days after the breakup, I had a weak moment. I didn't feel there was a lot of closure. I left immediately that night when he went back on his promise that he would go to therapy. He had told me two days before he would go and I had told him if he would go to therapy, I would stay. Two days later, he retracted that.

And once I explained what it was gonna look like when I left to give him one more chance to understand I was serious about my ultimatum, I left immediately. I packed up what stuff I had there and left. 10 days later.

I was missing him terribly.

Darla Ridilla (18:05.774)
I just by chance discovered he had blocked me on Facebook.

And even though I had unfriended him the morning after the breakup, his blocking me felt awful.

Darla Ridilla (18:24.82)
It really upset me. I didn't tell him I knew that.

But I did. And I tried to talk myself out of calling him. I even called a friend to talk me down. But a half hour after I got off the phone with her, couldn't not call. I just couldn't. I knew I wasn't going to get closure from him. I knew because I'm pretty sure he's a dismissive avoidant that he was going to act cold and like a person I didn't know when he did. That call was more for me. There were things that were left unsaid that night.

And while he didn't take responsibility, I knew he wouldn't. I felt a need to express how much he had hurt me. Was it the right thing or the wrong thing to do? And I said that in a moment to him. I don't know if this is the right thing or the wrong thing, but I need to do this. He acted like a person I didn't know. He was called distant. And I told myself before I dialed that phone, that if you call him tonight,

This is it. You will not call him again. So yeah, I had a weak moment just a few months ago. I have not reached out since I did keep that promise to myself. But that is after having years of going back of giving men second chances of not staying in no contact. It's been a process.

Darla Ridilla (19:52.536)
When we leave someone we love or once loved, it leaves its mark, not just from their physical or mental abuse, but from the void it leaves. But we have to be willing to face that void. And if you fill it with other things, it makes it easier to heal.

We can't have a huge void and not have something to fill it and be successful at staying away. So spend more time with your friends, maybe find a new hobby. Invest in yourself. If you have a dog, gosh, the dogs are the best when we have a moment.

and we don't want to tell someone because we feel bad about it or shame. They don't care. They'll just going to listen. The main point that I'd like you to walk away with.

is whatever abuse you've suffered, it's not your fault. You have the power to walk away.

You have the power to change.

Darla Ridilla (20:58.264)
Forgive yourself for any decisions you made in a past that weren't in your best good. And tomorrow is always day one.

So next episode, we are going to have a guest and she is going to be sharing her story. This episode when we recorded it, blew me away. I was just so touched by what we talked about. She inspired me. I just, cannot wait for you to hear Lady V's interview. So be sure to tune in next week.

It's going to be a dynamic conversation.

You have the power.