40: Why We Stay: Understanding Trauma Bonds and the Nervous System

Why do so many people stay in abusive relationships—even when they're hurting?

In this powerful solo episode, Darla Ridilla shares personal reflections and hard-won insights to unpack the emotional, psychological, and neurological reasons survivors stay. She explores trauma bonding, nervous system responses, and the various forms of abuse—especially the subtle ones—that trap survivors in toxic cycles. 

If you’ve ever judged yourself or someone else for staying “too long,” this episode will offer both clarity and compassion.

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Transcript

Darla Ridilla (00:02.926)
Hello friends, welcome to the next episode of Breaking the Silence Healing from Domestic Violence. So today I'm going to talk to you about a few things and throw in some personal stories here. And we're going to talk about, first of all, why do people stay in abusive relationships?

What the heck is a trauma bond? And why is it that our nervous system has a reaction and what is that and what does it look like? Different types of abuse that kind of tie into why people stay as well. So let's dive right in. As most of you know, I have a history of narcissistic abuse and domestic violence in my own life and it has brought, it's brought so many things to light for me.

So it's one of the worst things that ever happened to me, but it's also one of the best because it was a changing point in my life. It, while it didn't end the cycle of me being with emotionally unavailable men, it started the beginning of the end for me because up to that point, I didn't even realize that what I was doing, I didn't see my own patterns. So what is a trauma bond? A trauma bond is

when someone does something to you that creates basically an uneven power dynamic. So love bombing is a very effective way to trauma bond someone to you. narcissists are not the only types of personality styles or dysfunctional styles that do that. I've experienced that with dismissive avoidance as well.

Some people who are insecure as well or players, maybe they're just manipulative in general, but not necessarily a narcissist will trauma bond you. And what that looks like is they just come on really strong. They give their or appear to give their all. They meet your every need and want, they wanna spend a lot of time with you. They fast track the relationship. They may spend a lot of money on you.

Darla Ridilla (02:24.826)
or create a false sense of intimacy. They may create a false sense of intimacy. There also may be some future faking involved. And what this all looks like is someone who says, yes, I did. you are interested in a long-term committed relationship. You're interested in marriage. Well, so am I. But that may not be the truth. They may give you a lot of attention in the beginning.

and then they start to withdraw that. And just like I've talked about this example many times, how trauma bonding occurs is you give a child a piece of candy and then you take it away, just as they're starting to enjoy it. And then you give it back, but then you take it away. But each time you take it away, you take it away a little bit quicker. And that's kind of what trauma bonding is, is because, I want a taste of that candy because I miss it.

And when we are love bombed by someone that original version that they showed up as, which is usually a fake persona, or someone that they can't maintain throughout the relationship, we want the version of that person back so badly that we will do anything to get back to day one. But as I've said before, in a previous episode, if it's a narcissist, that person never existed. So that person's never coming back.

They weren't even there in the first place. That was all an act and Academy Award winner, I will say. If they have other dysfunctions, maybe like a dismissive avoidant, they often, I think my experience with my last one was that I think how he showed up in the beginning was really how he wanted to be and who he really was. But because of his own childhood wounds, he was not able to maintain that. And as intimacy and closeness and commitment was starting to show up in that relationship,

it scared him so badly that he withdrew, which created a trauma bond in me. Another way that you can trauma bond is you bond on bad things that have happened to you in the past. If you go on a first date or you're early in the dating season and you're both sharing, like you're almost over sharing really, really traumatic things that happened. I could say this probably is a common thing, maybe an AA or some environment like that.

Darla Ridilla (04:44.088)
where you've got this really traumatic experience that you connect on, but instead of connecting on healthy behaviors and healthy habits, you connect on these bad things. And that isn't necessarily a good thing. Well, on one hand, someone who's been through the same experience as you has some insight and can be more empathetic, but it depends on how you're bonding in regards to that. So that's what trauma bonding is. It's an unhealthy attachment to somebody else.

to the point often where you feel like you can't live without them. And their absence is so painful, many of us go back, or we get very depressed, or we can't get on with our lives.

Let's talk about why people stay. You know, a lot of people, me included before I was in an abusive relationship, I could never understand why people stay. And I don't remember the episode off the top of my head, but there is a really, really good TED talk where the lady talked about that she was in a physically abusive relationship and why she stayed. And trauma bonding plays a big part in that. Also, the person that often showed up

in that abusive relationship wasn't the person that you saw at the end who was abusing you because you want to believe that this person is not this monster that is in front of you. We stay. Many of us are fixers. If we're codependent, we keep thinking I can't be alone or I can fix this person. I am so guilty of that pattern. 20 years ago, I was a codependent.

And up until a couple of years ago, I was still in the fixer mode. look at that little personal development project. my God, he's living in these horrible conditions. I can save him. We can't save anybody. Even as a coach and a mentor, I cannot change the lives of my clients. I can guide them, I can help them to have a different perspective. But at the end of the day, they are the only ones who can change their lives.

Darla Ridilla (06:49.59)
And it's so true in our relationships as well. So that's often why we stay. Then there's other nefarious reasons why we stay. And I certainly lived that dynamic in my abusive marriage. There's a lot of different types of abuse that goes on. One of them was financial abuse. So I did not have a penny to my name. My credit cards were maxed out. I didn't have a job.

And I had no way to pay for my own living expenses on my own. I left anyway, because I was willing to live on the streets. And luckily, I did not have to do that things worked out for me. But that isn't always the case. And abusive partners will often do this on purpose. They have their own issues and insecurities going on. And often that you know, is backed by control issues. Control is always backed by fear, not love.

And so in order to keep you in their control, they will encourage you to quit your job, they'll spend all the money, they'll make you financially dependent on them. So it's highly unlikely that you will leave. many women stay out of what's seen as a necessity, that financially they're dependent on this person. And, you know, in those situations, we have to make decisions, what's more important?

my emotional safety or the possibility that I'm just going to have to be in a situation I don't want to be in temporarily to get out of here. I don't want to have to go to a shelter. I don't want to have to sleep on a friend's couch. But if that's what it's going to take for me to be emotionally safe and heal and get out of this, I'm going to do it. You know, many women are convinced not to stay.

Narcissistic abuse is definitely a form of brainwashing just like cults. And so many are convinced that there isn't a reason to stay. I didn't even know I was in an abusive relationship until a year after I left. And even when a counselor pointed it out, I denied it and said she was crazy. Absolutely not. No, I love him. This and that.

Darla Ridilla (09:07.968)
And you know, I also had what's called Stockholm syndrome. And I was continuing to see him up to a year after I left having dinner, calling and texting daily, because I literally had an addiction and that plays into why we leave we stay too. We are so addicted to this person that we can't live without them.

There is also physical abuse, physical violence, and some women.

they have to be careful how they leave. If they finally get to that point where they realize that they are physically unsafe, sometimes it's pretty obvious, but when they are physically violent, that's a big deterrent for you to push back. And I understand that. And when you reach the point of when it's time to leave, you can't just walk out. Often there has to be an exit strategy that may take a while and often involves saving money.

It involves keeping it a secret, which is pretty darn hard. And it involves finding a way to get out without ending up hurt or dead. Statistically, the most murders in domestic abuse when the partner leaves is in the first seven days. Particularly women are a danger of this because men are biologically stronger than us. And so it is very easy for them to overpower us to choke us.

to restrain us and

Darla Ridilla (10:44.056)
Physical violence, definitely you should leave, but it's tricky sometimes and how that all plays out. And so when we stay, it doesn't mean that we want to be there. Sometimes it's really about, we have to be there because we have to kind of play a game for a while for to be able to safely get out. So keep that in mind. You know, I used to feel a lot of judgment towards women that stayed.

You know, I stayed 10 years. I wasn't physically prevented from leaving. He never physically prevented me from walking out that door. But he did a really good job of mentally imprisoning me and convincing me that there was no reason to leave or I couldn't leave. And I was madly in love with this person. I worshiped him. I had created my own prison unknowingly.

And because I didn't know, or realize at the time that I was in an abusive relationship, I didn't see a reason to stay. And also because I was also experiencing a very common cycle of love bomb, devalue, discard, where they come on strong, then they start to kind of, you know, not pay as much attention to you. And then they discard you, whether they ignore you, they disappear, or they actually leave the relationship.

Though that dynamic created that trauma bond as well, unknowingly for me, but

You know, when my marriage came to an end and I end up leaving, we were technically actually not fighting. We were getting along well. So I was under the illusion that things were actually getting better. And because I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship, it never occurred to me that I should leave. quite frankly, when he asked for the divorce, I was so devastated. I went into a very bad depression and

Darla Ridilla (12:51.575)
almost took my life.

There are

There's so many ways to that our nervous system is going to react. know, domestic violence.

is it runs so deep. As I said in that other episode, there are many different forms of it. But even let's just talk about the mental abuse today, because it's the less obvious, I think to a lot of people, our body tells us something is wrong. Our stomach turns. Our throat feels tight, because we don't feel heard. I remember my stomach turning from the very beginning, because my ex was really chummy with his ex wife. And he would always explain it away. They always have a really great explanation for their bad behavior.

Well, she is the mother of my two children. You know, I can't I'm supporting the children when I support her. Well, she wanted to visit the kids. So I let her come over to my apartment and you know, on and on and on. Or, you know, now I know he cheated on me not only with his ex wife, but with probably just about every woman that came into our circle. Now I know that. But there would always be some reason. she's a good friend of ours. I'm helping her out. Or

Darla Ridilla (14:08.866)
you know, I didn't have my phone with me because I was in a hot tub. We were really achy after a move or, I was in a meeting for three hours. yeah, that was a popular one too.

Darla Ridilla (14:27.886)
but my nervous system reacted. My stomach turned. I knew something was off.

If he's paying more attention physically in front of me in a bar to another woman, he's giving another woman more attention than me in the bar, right in front of me. Yeah, that doesn't feel good. My body is screaming. This is not okay. No matter what he said, my body, my mind may have accepted his explanation, but my body never did. My body always said, this doesn't add up. You're his wife.

Why is he so chummy with this person? It doesn't matter he sees you every day and sleeps in your bed every night. You're supposed to be the only woman he sees. And I'm not talking about not having female friends. I'm not talking about not having conversations with females in public. I'm not talking about me being so controlling that he can't even interact with other females. What I'm talking about is fraternization. I'm talking about cheating. I'm talking about manipulation, triangulation.

If you're not familiar with triangulation, it's when they will pit you against another person. And particularly in women, it works great with women. He used his daughter, he used his ex-wife, he used his mother. Always, we're in competition with each other competing for his attention. And so what happens is, is he's sitting back and watching us go at it, totally getting off on all the drama.

because we're fighting over him, which boost his ego because he doesn't even have a shred of self confidence. And we're so busy attacking each other that we're not paying attention to what he's really doing. And this is such a common tactic. And as women, we tend to be a little competitive with each other, which is not a good thing. And we fall right into the trap. But these are all, all these reasons. All, all of these behaviors.

Darla Ridilla (16:28.376)
They break you down over time. And you don't you accept it as the norm. And if you've come from an abusive relationship or a parent that's narcissistic in a very really weird way, it's normal. The normal is abnormal. But because it's the only thing you know, it's your comfort zone, which to a narcissist is perfect. And then if you throw in the whole empath,

thing, which I'm an empath, which means I'm very empathic, empathetic to others, I want to help them. And I want to trust them and give them my love. This is perfect for a narcissist, because we let our guard down way too quick. And then they can get in.

That's a short explanation. We're gonna have another great episode with another guest to finish out this series. So I'm super excited that you've been participating. We've got a whole other series coming up after that. And I've been interviewing two guests a week. So we're gonna have a whole bunch of really incredible interviews coming up as well as solos of me and my experiences. But before I go,

I really do want to tell you about something really cool that I've got coming up that I'm creating. So I just want you to really think about your life and your relationships and how you're feeling about them. And if you've been feeling stuck and you've been second guessing yourself, and maybe you're just really not feeling confident or, you know, comfortable with your own skin and, and who you are, you want to be yourself, but society or a friend or a family member or a partner says, gosh, you're too much.

Your standards are too high.

Darla Ridilla (18:18.062)
I don't like the way you dress or whatever it is. You're not comfortable in your skin. I just want to let you know that I understand you and I see you because I've been told those kinds of things. I have felt those kinds of things most of my life. And, you know, I really felt like I was the one that was broken. I was the one at fault that I was the one who needed to change. And what I realized is that I wasn't broken at all. My survival instinct was to be a chameleon.

I was great at it as an executive assistant and I would, you know, morph into the personality of my executive that I supported, but it doesn't really work very well in my personal life. And then there was one day when I realized that I had lost my voice. So I asked you, I mean, have you lost your voice? Do you feel like you don't have power over your life or your circumstances? And if that's you, this is your time to reclaim your voice.

It's time to reclaim your worth and it's time to reclaim your power. If that's you, I've created something very special for you and it's called a confidence call. It's a one-on-one meeting with me. It's gonna be a private one hour session and during that time, I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna work with you, I'm gonna help you, get you crystal clear on what it is that is keeping you stuck.

What are those emotional blocks or those patterns in your life that's gonna hold you back and continues to hold you back? And we're gonna talk about how you wanna feel mentally and physically in your body. How do you want to feel in your relationships and in your life?

We're gonna work on grounding you. We're gonna look on reflection and we're gonna work on getting some clarity with what your next step is. If this excites you, please click on the link in the show notes for the confidence call. I can't wait to help you get started on your healing journey.

Darla Ridilla (20:28.332)
You have the power.