43: Why Butterflies Are Sometimes Warnings, Not Love With Corissa Stepp

This is Part 2 of The Body Remembers: Somatics & Trauma Recovery, a special series exploring the intersection of trauma, the nervous system, and healing.

In today’s episode, I’m joined by Corissa Stepp, Holistic Trauma Recovery Coach, Author, and founder of the Savvy & StrongHER Community. With her trauma-informed, soul-centered approach, Corissa helps women break free from the trauma bonds of narcissistic abuse and return to a life of peace, purpose, and self-love.

Together we explore:

• How somatic intelligence helps you decode the “butterflies” we mistake for love
• Why your nervous system—not your thoughts—holds the key to real recovery
• What Human Design and sound healing can reveal about your trauma patterns
• The difference between external and internal boundaries—and why both matter
• The power of reparenting yourself and reconnecting with your body’s truth

Corissa also shares powerful insights from her new book, The Savvy Girl’s Guide to Thriving Beyond Narcissistic Abuse—a must-read for survivors who are ready to move beyond survival into thriving.

Whether you’re just beginning to wake up from toxic patterns or you’ve been walking this path for a while, this conversation is a grounding, validating, and empowering space to be reminded: you are not broken, and your body remembers because it’s trying to keep you safe.

Corissa Stepp:

📖 Corissa’s Book: The Savvy Girl’s Guide to Thriving Beyond Narcissistic Abuse – available now - https://www.amazon.com/Savvy-Girls-Thriving-Beyond-Narcissistic/dp/196134789X
🌐 Website: corissastepp.com
📸 Instagram: @corissastepp

Darla Ridilla:

Reclaiming Your Worth free masterclass: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/reclaiming-your-worth-masterclass

Find Darla Ridilla at:

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Transcript

Corissa Stepp (00:00)
And sometimes, you know, that love feeling that we're feeling, we've misinterpreted. So we've misinterpreted

Darla Ridilla (00:05)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (00:06)
Like that excitement and ooh, like those butterflies. Well, you know what? Maybe they're not butterflies because when you're with an unsafe person, those butterflies is actually anxiety. It's a fight or flight response that that person's not safe, that the situation that you're in is not safe. And we've misinterpreted those somatic signals because we've made the excuses or we've only experienced love as what I would call transactional.

Darla Ridilla (00:34)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (00:35)
Right? So I do this, then I get love. I show up this way, I give, I give, I give, I get more in return. And so when we're in a dating situation and we're like, oh, if I just dress nice and I say the right thing and I'm funny and I'm doing all these things and I'm performing, right?

And so if I just put on a good performance, they fall in love with this version of me, but they don't really see me. They don't really know me. So how could they love me? I'm now falling in love with the idea of love and not the person that's sitting across from me because these feelings that I'm getting, these butterflies that I'm feeling are not actually love

Darla Ridilla (01:00)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (01:18)
Hello friends, my name is Darla Ridilla and you're listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Recovery from Trauma and Narcissistic Abuse. I am a certified somatic trauma informed coach and relationship expert with lived experience in overcoming narcissistic abuse. I help women to learn to fall in love with themselves so they can have a healthy relationship with themselves and others. Each episode, you'll hear about different aspects of trauma or relationship advice.

as well as healing techniques and tips so that you can begin or continue on your road to recovery. Thanks for joining me today. Let's get started with today's topic.

Darla Ridilla (01:58)
Hello friends, I'm super excited that we have another guest that's gonna be on today and Carissa is going to be talking about somatics. And what I love about this conversation is it went a little bit different direction than I expected, but I feel like it made it even better. So there's gonna be somatics in relation to narcissistic abuse, but we also talk about some other things like human design and sound baths. So stay tuned. This is a great conversation that you don't wanna miss.

Darla Ridilla (02:27)
Hello friends, we have another guest today and this is part of our series about somatics and trauma recovery. And Carissa, what's really cool to me about Carissa and I'll officially introduce her in a second is that we actually got the same certification in somatic and trauma informed coaching. And I am going, I am in the process of also completing the Narcissistic Abuse Specialist Certification that she has already completed. And we studied under Caroline Strassen who was phenomenal.

So I'm super excited to have a fellow student with me here today. Yeah, they cool? Carissa Stepp is a holistic trauma recovery coach, author and founder of the Savvy and StrongHer Community, an empowering space for women healing from narcissistic abuse. With a trauma-informed, soul-centered approach, Carissa helps survivors reclaim their sense of self

Corissa Stepp (03:00)
Yes, I'm so excited too. Thank you.

Darla Ridilla (03:20)
regulate their nervous systems and rebuild a life rooted in peace, purpose and self love. Her upcoming book, The Savvy Girl's Guide to Thriving Beyond Narcissistic Abuse offers a deeply validating and practical roadmap for recovery. Through her work, Carissa blends science and spirit to guide women home to themselves. Carissa, thank you so much. I'm so glad you're here today.

Corissa Stepp (03:46)
I'm so excited to be here. Thank you so much for having me, Darla. I appreciate it.

Darla Ridilla (03:50)
yeah, it's gonna be a great conversation. So I'd like to start by just asking you, tell us a little bit about your story and how that inspired you to become a trauma recovery coach and create your savvy and strong her community.

Corissa Stepp (04:03)
Yeah, well, the story is quite long. So I'm going to try to keep it brief. But essentially, I would say that probably it was about five or six years ago, I kind of went through what I would call a spiritual awakening, where I literally woke up one day and I kind of looked at myself in the mirror and I didn't recognize the woman that was staring back at me. I had lost so much of who I was. I used to be someone who was very optimistic and positive and

Darla Ridilla (04:08)
That's fine.

Corissa Stepp (04:32)
full of life and energy and I just looked like a zombie, like a shell of myself. And I didn't really understand why or what was happening, but I knew something had to shift. And what ended up happening was a couple of different things, but I lost a very dear friend of mine to breast cancer, which kind of put me on this path of realizing obviously that time here on our time here on earth is actually very short. And I no longer wanted to live as this

shelled version of myself, right? I no longer wanted to go through life just kind of going through the motions and survival mode and really wanted to dig deeper to kind of reconnect back with who I was. At the time, I originally had found human design, which is something that we can talk about in a little bit, but it really kind of helped give me a little bit of a roadmap back to my truest sense of self to figure out and remember who I was because I lost myself. And I didn't really know at the time why and how that had happened.

Darla Ridilla (05:18)
Yes.

Corissa Stepp (05:31)
It wasn't until maybe a year or two after that where I started to recognize this pattern in myself and then also my clients because I had become a coach during that time where I realized that as a recovering people pleaser, as I was calling myself at the time, ⁓ that myself and a lot of my clients who were also recovering people pleasers all tended to attract very similar personalities into their lives. And what I discovered was these personalities were actually narcissistic personalities.

And so I started to kind of take a step back and looked at my relationships, you know, in the present moment at that time, as well as in my past and started to recognize that there was this pattern where I was constantly attracting in these narcissistic types of people into my life. And the relationships that I had were really not that healthy. And so I led me into discovering more about, well, how does this happen? You know, what is it about me that kind of attracted this person? What is it about?

their personality and my personality that kind of ⁓ attracted and magnetized to one another. And so I ended up finding Caroline Strossen training and certifying under her as we were just discussing and then doing my own work as well, right? So doing my own research, reading my own books, listening to podcasts and just absorbing all of this information to kind of understand the dynamics and the behaviors and how we get kind of sucked into these relationships.

And then obviously doing the healing work to then break free and recover from the abuse that actually happens in these types of relationships. So that's kind of like the long and short story of it. But I ended up continuing then just to coach women specifically who had endured narcissistic abuse, which then led to me wanting to create a community of women. Because for me at the time, I felt really alone in my experience. I felt like

no one around me really understood because their perception from an outsider's perspective was very different than obviously what I was experiencing behind closed doors. it did feel really isolating. And so I wanted to have a community where women could feel seen and feel heard and know that they were not alone in what they were going through. At the same time, I was also kind of writing a book.

It originally was supposed to be a human design and relationship book. And as I got six months into writing the book, I realized, nope, this is not the book that I'm here to write. This book is about narcissistic abuse and recovering from it. So I scrapped the entire thing and basically started from scratch. And so now almost two years later, the book is actually coming out. So it's been a journey to say the least. Yes.

Darla Ridilla (08:07)
Awesome.

I so related to what you said about feeling alone because first of all, I didn't even know I had been abused until a year after I left the marriage. But there was also even just recently as a couple of years ago, I was with a licensed therapist and she didn't understand because she didn't have that lived experience with narcissistic abuse and she was very demanding and very cold and kind of a get over attitude.

And that's how I also started coaching women that had narcissistic abuse, because I'm like, I can't be the only one that feels like no one gets me. No one understands. I've been brainwashed, and I need to be deprogrammed, basically.

Corissa Stepp (08:46)
Yeah, for sure, absolutely. I actually had a couple of counselors say, ⁓ Karissa, you need to decide if he has enough empathy for you. And so she wasn't seeing that he was a narcissist, but that really kind of hit a chord, right? I was like, I never really had thought about that. And then I started thinking about it and I was like, wow, like she's absolutely right. Like there is no empathy.

in this relationship, it's all one-sided. I'm the only one extending empathy and I'm not getting in return. And you can have a relationship with someone who's not willing to even try to understand your experience, what you're feeling, what you're thinking. for someone in that type of a relationship, you can really feel like your feelings don't matter. Who you are, it doesn't matter. You're just a person. You're just there to do something or be something or be a means to an end and not really be valued as a whole being.

for all of your emotions, your feelings and everything. So yeah, you can really lose your sense of self because your self is not valued. And if you're not valuing yourself either, which I think for me, like I'm looking back on it, I realized that, you I also was very deeply insecure getting into this relationship. And so I didn't have a strong sense of self. So it was very easy for my sense of self to kind of get whittled away because I didn't have that strong sense. And so, you know, it's been a journey of, you know, not

necessarily blaming the other person, like blaming this narcissist. Cause I think that sometimes if we look at social media, some of the people that are out there talking about narcissism, a lot of times they like to point the finger and be like, well, it's the narcissist, like they're toxic and they're bad and they're this and it's their fault. And yes, we need to hold them accountable for their behavior. We have to hold them accountable for the pain that they have caused. However, we also have to recognize that they're also deeply wounded and deeply insecure. And also,

We are likely also very deeply insecure and that's why we got into these relationships. So it's taking accountability on our end too. It's both.

Darla Ridilla (10:50)
it is such a good point because, there are a lot of bad things that happen, but I wanted to be rescued. He appeared as the white knight and I didn't have a good relationship with my dad and emotional unavailability was my comfort zone. And yeah, and I just bought into his line, hook line and sinker. I didn't know anything about narcissism. I didn't know I was codependent. All I knew

Corissa Stepp (11:06)
⁓

Darla Ridilla (11:17)
is that I was unhappy in my current marriage and unfortunately because of the dynamics and the influence he had over me, I did something extremely out of character and I cheated on my first husband. Even though it wasn't actual sex, it was still cheating. What I was doing was out of line. But that's because I wanted to be saved and he picked up on it. And I think because he was observing me and my ex and how he knew I wasn't happy before I did.

Corissa Stepp (11:45)
Hmm.

Darla Ridilla (11:46)
which was, they're

highly intelligent. But you talked about waking up and not recognizing that woman in the mirror. And that's so true because he was always like, it was like little digs, but in like, well, I know better. You really look better in black, even though I like bright colors and pastels. You really shouldn't wear black or pastels because it just drains your color. If you wore black and.

if your hair is long, I'm attracted to you and you know, all those things. And I realized after 10 years, I had become what he wanted to meet me to be. And it still wasn't good enough. He still didn't want me. And now I don't even know who I am. Now. Who is this? I put on a ton of weight. I looked gaunt. And it was it was awakening for me. I had to look at myself and say, Why did I get involved with this man? Why?

Corissa Stepp (12:13)
Thank

Darla Ridilla (12:40)
Afterwards, did I get involved with two more narcissists over that 20 year period? That was, I think, more enlightening. While the pain of the first one was the hardest, I think while I worked on myself really hard, I think particularly that last one two years ago, that one was really wake up, like, what is happening with you? While they're really good at what they do, at the same time, why did you fall for it again?

Corissa Stepp (12:43)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, and that's the thing is like, we don't even realize sometimes that those patterns are familiar from childhood. So if like to your point, like, you you were used to emotionally unavailable men, because that's how your father was. And so that felt like home to you. It felt safe. It felt familiar. Right. And so we are built for survival. Right. We're built to stay safe. So we go to the familiar because we we it feels comfortable.

Darla Ridilla (13:23)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (13:35)
it feels good in some way. And so, yeah, we keep repeating those patterns. And I think that's what happens is that we end up repeating these childhood patterns over and over and over again, just to almost get that love and approval from the man that we didn't get from maybe our fathers, right? And my situation's a little different, but it wasn't my father, it other people. But still, the point is, it's like, yes, we relive these experiences over and over again until we're ready to break the pattern, until we are ready

Darla Ridilla (13:51)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (14:05)
to learn to love ourselves and to validate ourselves and to give ourselves the love and you, that's what you coach on, right? Self love, how to love yourself enough to know that you are worthy and that you don't need to be seeking love outside of yourself to feel whole or to feel important or to feel like you're valuable.

Darla Ridilla (14:14)
Mm-hmm.

Yes, that is such an important point. And I will say that in my dating experiences, I have, I suspect at least one more narcissist came in my sphere. But I even before the first date, noticed well, I can't say it for sure, because I didn't spend enough time with them. There were traits. And I said, ⁓ no, we're not even going to the first date because I don't like what's happening right now. This is a very big red flag.

Corissa Stepp (14:46)
Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (14:55)
So that was a huge win where I wouldn't have done that before. And that ties into somatics too, because I'm sure you found Caroline's course just as healing as I did. I got into it thinking I was just getting a certification and didn't realize that this was going to be an incredibly personal healing experience. And I'm sure when I do the Narcissistic Abuse Specialist, it's gonna be the same thing.

Corissa Stepp (14:59)
Hmm.

Darla Ridilla (15:23)
And I really got in tune with my body sensations. This has helped me a great deal. Not only with my healing, but in my dating experiences as well. I start really paying attention. I no longer base whether or not I'm gonna go out with this person or remain in relationship with them on how they make me feel. You hear so many times, I'm so in love with him. He makes me so happy. He, he, he. Now I focus more on how do I feel when I'm in his presence?

or even more importantly, which I learned in my last relationship, how do I feel when I'm not in his presence? Do I feel triggered? Do I feel worried that he's gonna communicate? Is there a lack of consistency that is showing up as a sensation in my body, that hypervigilance that I've lived with my whole life, which is actually not a good thing, but now that I'm aware of it, it has been a game changer. Do you wanna talk some more about that as well?

Corissa Stepp (15:57)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think that that's one of the things. And so I'm going to take this from a little bit of like the somatic, but also the spiritual perspective, if that's okay. So for me, one of the first things that I did when I kind of woke up and realized that like, I told you I was going through like a spiritual awakening was learning how to reconnect with my intuition, right? And so when we talk about our intuition, our intuition speaks to us through the body, right? It speaks to us through sensations in the body.

Darla Ridilla (16:24)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (16:47)
that inner voice in our heads that we usually have drowned out and we've allowed an inner critic part to come in and be the louder voice, right? It was learning how to quiet that down, to listen to my own inner truth, to listen to these sensations that are happening in my body that are giving me those red flags, right? Or that are letting me know that something's not right or something feels off and actually honoring that. Because after having gone through narcissistic abuse and these unhealthy relationships,

you really start to, and I did this for years, I'd always make excuses. ⁓ he's acting like that because he's stressed out at work. ⁓ he's acting like this because he's not feeling well. he didn't mean to lash out at me. It's because he was overwhelmed with the children or they were acting up, know, whatever it was. There's always an excuse for the bad behavior. And I was really, really good at that and focusing more on the other person and how they were feeling. And I think this also comes back to you.

being an empath where I was so in tune with other people's emotions, it was easier to focus on their emotions and how they were feeling than my own. And it's so important to tune into you because your body is a receptor, right? You're constantly receiving information in multiple different channels in multiple different ways. And if we shut that down, because we're so focused on the other, then it becomes a problem. So we have to take that locus of control and become more internally focused.

And that's where the somatic work comes in. And then also from like the spiritual side, that intuition and learning to honor that and learning to trust it, which can be really, really, really hard when we've spent our whole lives dismissing it. So we start to not trust ourselves, not trust these sensations, not trust these feelings. And sometimes, you know, that love feeling that we're feeling, we've misinterpreted. So we've misinterpreted

Darla Ridilla (18:40)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (18:42)
Like that excitement and ooh, like those butterflies. Well, you know what? Maybe they're not butterflies because when you're with an unsafe person, those butterflies is actually anxiety. It's a fight or flight response that that person's not safe, that the situation that you're in is not safe. And we've misinterpreted those somatic signals because we've made the excuses or we've only experienced love as what I would call transactional.

Darla Ridilla (19:12)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (19:13)
Right? So I do this, then I get love. I show up this way, I give, I give, I give, I get more in return. And so when we're in a dating situation and we're like, oh, if I just dress nice and I say the right thing and I'm funny and I'm doing all these things and I'm performing, right? Cause this is for, this was a big part of me. was like, I grew up acting. This was like in the drama world in theater, dancing, singing, dancing, acting.

And so if I just put on a good performance, they fall in love with this version of me, but they don't really see me. They don't really know me. So how could they love me? But also I'm now falling in love with the idea of love and not the person that's sitting across from me because these feelings that I'm getting, these butterflies that I'm feeling are not actually love or the, you know,

Darla Ridilla (19:48)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (20:07)
infatuation or anything like that. It's my body saying, run, run. This person's not safe. This person's not who they say they are. They're also not acting from their truest sense of self. ⁓ So I got to fall a little bit on a tangent there. yeah, mean, learning to listen to those sensations, learning to understand your nervous system, understand how it's communicating with you, understanding your intuition.

And that inner voice, that inner truth, those red flags and acknowledging them and accepting them and believing them, trusting them is so, so huge. And it's really important to kind of ⁓ begin to allow yourself to do that in your recovery and rebuild that relationship with yourself.

Darla Ridilla (20:50)
Yeah.

Yeah, and I love the point about the butterflies. That's a great way of putting in about how it's actually a warning signal, not a go signal. And I've experienced that many times. It's that rush of ⁓ dopamine that's like, my god, this is amazing. Not realizing it is the comfort zone, but it's actually masking as something else.

Corissa Stepp (21:02)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And I think it's also because we are addicted to that chemical, the chemical cycle of the abuse cycle, right? Like that dopamine release, that oxytocin, like we're just looking for more of it. And so, you know, the way I always say it, it's like almost like when someone's love bombing you and these abusive relationships are early on when you're first starting to date, it's, it kind of fills those holes in your own soul, right? So if you haven't filled your own soul, like those holes with your own self love,

Darla Ridilla (21:23)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (21:46)
then it can be misconstrued. We can believe that this person showing a little bit of interest, it's almost like we're starved for love. We're starved for attention. We're starved for recognition. And so when someone shows even just a little bit extra attention, it feels so good. We get addicted to that little hit, that dopamine hit, that chemical release. And so that's what can sometimes lead us to make bad decisions and to fall for the wrong people.

until we learn how to discern the difference. And break the cycle, really.

Darla Ridilla (22:19)
Yeah. how does it

really is a cycle and we have to break it. We have to know it, know that it's a cycle and maybe just be more aware of our reactions, what's happening. And there's no way to break it unless we're aware of it. That's for sure. We're going to keep repeating it, repeating it, repeating it. I was having the same relationship with different people. It was the same dynamic over and over again.

Corissa Stepp (22:38)
ordering.

Yeah,

yeah, that's what we do. That's what we do.

Darla Ridilla (22:50)
Yes, it is. So that you mentioned the human design earlier. How does

that play into all of this as well?

Corissa Stepp (22:58)
Yeah, that's a great question. So I guess, can I just explain maybe what human design is first so that your listeners kind of, they don't know if they're not aware? Okay. All right. So let's just give a brief ⁓ explanation of what human design is. So human design is ⁓ basically ⁓ a tool that you can use that blends together five ancient wisdoms, which is Eastern and Western astrology, the Chinese I Ching, the Jewish Kabbalah system and the Hindu Chakra system.

Darla Ridilla (23:02)
Yes. yeah. Let's back it up.

Corissa Stepp (23:25)
in conjunction with modern science quantum physics. ⁓ And so what it does is it's based on your birth date, time and place. And when you input this into a system that will run a chart for you, it prints out this beautiful body graph or a blueprint basically of the essence of who you are here to be. It shows you your greatest potential. Now it's not putting you into a box. It's not saying like, this is who you are and that's all you are and that's it.

Similar to astrology if any of your listeners are familiar with it. There's a high expression. There's a low expression There's everything kind of in between and so it's really like there's a lot of interpretation that can happen with this chart and it is Multi multi-layered so it's never like you can look at a chart be like, that's you when you're ⁓ So what I love about the human design chart is that number one what I was just talking about like learning how to reconnect back to your intuition your human design chart will tell you or show you how

The universe or how God, spirit, whatever word you'd like to use communicates with you. How opportunities are brought to you, how you're meant to make big decisions, right? So how does your intuition speak to you? So for me specifically, I'm a generator. ⁓ Most people in the world actually happen to be generator types. So the way that your intuition speaks to you is actually through your gut and your gut or your sacral makes a sound. The sound is, uh-huh.

for yes or uh-uh, right? So when people say like, yes, it was a full-bodied yes for me. I knew that opportunity was for me. I felt it in my bones. That's a sacral response. That person's likely a generator type. And so when you feel that full-bodied yes, then yeah, that means that that opportunity, that relationship, that whatever, that house maybe that you're looking at, that is for you. Now, if your sacral is in a contraction and it's saying uh-uh,

mm-hmm, right, the breaks are going on, you're kind of feeling hesitant, you feel a withdrawal of energy, then that's not for you. So in the dating world, when you're meeting somebody and all of a sudden that's sacral, like, you know, pulling back on the brakes there, this is something doesn't feel right. That's your intuition speaking to you saying something is off. Something's not right. Something's not for you. It's not resonating.

Darla Ridilla (25:41)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (25:43)
So that's like one of the things that I think human design is actually really, really helpful for is helping people tune into how their intuition speaks to them. The other thing is it tells you how your energy is meant to flow. So some of us are here to kind of, you know, maybe work a nine to five type of day or a longer day, right? Let's be real, like most people probably are working longer than nine to five at this point. But not everybody is. Some people get very depleted and very drained and can be burned out by

running at that pace. They don't have what we would call the sacral energy to kind of keep going. And again, like these generator types like me are the ones that do have a lot of energy that can kind of keep going when they're lit up by something when it is a full bodied yes. ⁓ Other people, they need to take more breaks throughout their day, they need to take more rest, they need more time for introspection and reflection and and

be able to kind of talk things out to get to their clarity, to really understand what is for them and what is not for them. So that's like another big thing that human design is actually really good at helping. And then also just, you know, we're all here to respond kind of to the universe in different ways. And how are we meant to do that? Because some of us are meant to do it kind of in the moment, respond yes or no right now. Some of us are meant to kind of sleep on it and wait to make any kind of big decisions ⁓ or

Darla Ridilla (26:59)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (27:06)
You might need to wait to be invited or recognized for something to feel in alignment for you, whereas other people might be able to create their own opportunities because they are here to kind of spark new ideas and be creative. And that's not to say that we're not all creative. We are. It's just how are you meant to kind of pursue things in your life that kind of are more in alignment for you and and ultimately create more flow in your life, right, to make things a little bit easier. So it also teaches you about like your learning styles, how you're meant to take in information.

Darla Ridilla (27:13)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (27:35)
⁓ I can look at someone's and I can say, can tell usually pretty quickly whether or not they have a propensity towards codependent patterns just by looking at their human design chart, because there are elements within the chart that can fall into more victim consciousness or more over giving kind of patterns of behavior. I can see whether or not someone's in empath, if they are taking on a lot of emotional energy, how to help them kind of

not do that in a way that feels draining and depleting. I can give them tools to kind of help them work through that. Because sometimes when we are deeply empathic, we can end up over caring, over giving to others. Because when others are happy, then we can feel safe and happy because we're taking on their emotional energy. So if they're happy, then we're happy. If they're not happy, we're not happy. So sometimes we kind of get into these people pleasing patterns, right? We'll have a strong people pleaser part showing up.

because it makes us feel safer. It makes us feel better when we are making other people happy and sacrificing ourselves potentially along the way. yeah, so human design, blending that in kind of with the somatic side and the nervous system regulation side and the IFS with the different parts side, bringing it all together really ⁓ kind of gives a very comprehensive.

Darla Ridilla (28:40)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (28:56)
⁓ overview and ability for me to be able to help coach and guide and steer people kind of along their path. That's an alignment for them.

Darla Ridilla (29:03)
If you've been listening and thinking, this is me. This is my story that I want to speak directly to your heart right now. Because I know what it feels like to keep ending up in relationships that leave you questioning your worth. I know what it's like to give everything you have your love, your energy, your soul, hoping someone will finally choose you only to end up feeling even more invisible. That was my story.

I spent years shrinking, over giving, chasing emotionally unavailable people and thinking if I could just be more lovable, they'll finally stay. But what I realized and what I now help other women reclaim is this, the love I was searching for had to begin with me. That moment when I finally stopped looking outside of myself for validation and turned inward, that was my turning point, my return home.

And now I want to invite you into your own turning point. I created a free masterclass called Reclaiming Your Worth. It's just for women like you. Women who are done settling. They're done questioning themselves. Women who are ready to feel empowered in love, in life, and in their own skin. And this one hour experience will explore why you keep repeating the same painful patterns.

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Darla Ridilla (31:13)
Yeah, Human Design, I recently got exposed to it probably about a month ago. We had a guest speaker to mastermind that I go to and she did that. I can't remember what it was that I came out as, but I do remember being astounded that she, first of all, described my personality down to a T and I was in the process of making some decisions about my business, switching some things. She basically validated that the direction I'm going in is more in alignment with where I was. And it was just incredible.

Corissa Stepp (31:31)
Yeah.

amazing.

Darla Ridilla (31:42)
I was like, my God, it actually really sparked my interest and it's something that I do want to learn more about because I was just blown away that this woman who's never met me before is in this group Zoom call. And, ooh, I was like, wow, she really understood where I was coming from and who I was.

Corissa Stepp (31:48)
Mm-hmm.

Amazing. Yeah, and that's the incredible thing is I don't think I've ever read anyone's chart where they walked away being like one time, one time that happened to me. This woman was like, this isn't really resonating. And then we went back and I looked and I had her birth time wrong. She had given, I think she was born at night and I had the morning. And for whatever reason on that day, it made a pretty significant difference in her chart.

Darla Ridilla (32:10)
You

Corissa Stepp (32:26)
And then when I was like, all right, we need to schedule a new call. I'll go back to your chart. We need to do a whole new reading. And then she was like, ⁓ now it's spot on. So that was only the one time I've ever had someone say to me that it didn't resonate with them completely. But usually most people are like, wow, that's me. That's me. And even things like I didn't remember about myself, you're reminding me of like, yes, that is truly who I am. That's absolutely right. ⁓ So it's fascinating. It's really fascinating.

Darla Ridilla (32:26)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, even just this morning, I just did kind of an introductory call with someone that was connected to my coach. And she did some kind of soul work. I can't remember what it was, but it was really interesting. She was saying that some of my resistance in my change and where I'm going business-wise was the words I was using was kind what society says. these are why you're doing this. But she's like, no, internally. And I'm sure it's a similar kind of thing.

I think she does human design and I've been exposed to emotion code as well and and and it no That's not really what it's about. It's you have a problem receiving you can and probably that impact thing going on you give give give but you can't receive and so this is there's no exchange going on here

Corissa Stepp (33:37)
Yeah.

Yes. Yeah, for sure. Absolutely. Yeah. mean, human design can definitely help highlight like even like your gifts and your strengths and of course your weaknesses, right? Like we all have weaknesses. ⁓ so it can even help you with radical self-acceptance. You're right. You understand yourself at a deep level and then you're like, okay, you know, there are parts of me that, you know, right. I'm not good at receiving. I'm not good at, you know, allowing people to get too close because that feels vulnerable. And so I put up walls.

Darla Ridilla (33:45)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (34:07)
Okay, so how do I now shift that? How do I open my heart more? How do I create, again, the somatic work, right? How do I create that safety within me to allow myself to be vulnerable so I can connect more deeply with people and have the types of relationships that I really deeply crave?

Darla Ridilla (34:24)
Yeah, and I think it's a really important work, particularly with trauma recovery, because we don't always understand why we do the things we do. And if we can do that, ⁓ that is going to make a big difference in how we proceed. Maybe it's just me, but I like to know what makes people tick and for myself too. And it really does help.

Corissa Stepp (34:39)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (34:48)
So let's talk

Corissa Stepp (34:48)
Yes.

Darla Ridilla (34:49)
some more about your community, the Savvy and Strong Her community. It's such a powerful name. How'd you come up with it and tell us what it's all about?

Corissa Stepp (34:52)
Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah. So the original iteration of it was stronger. So it was just stronger. And it was my trauma recovery group. So I started a group coaching program about a year ago. And what I decided was I didn't want to just have a program. I wanted to also have a community aspect to it. And so what's happened is like, once I kind of finished teaching that recovery program, ⁓ the community still lived on.

Darla Ridilla (35:01)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (35:19)
and continued and we meet every week for a weekly coaching call. And ⁓ with the release of my upcoming book, the name of the title is the Savvy Girls Guide, right? So I needed to kind of bring savvy in there. So I sort of rebranded it and then we kind of shifted things around in the community and it's become like this three tiered community. So ⁓ what I found is that there had been some reticence of people joining the community because they were at different levels of healing and they were afraid to kind of come in after

I'd already kind of taught like the trauma recovery programs. They felt like these other women were much further ahead. They were a little bit further behind. And it was just like, people are at different points in their journey. And they wanted to be in a group of women that were kind of in the same place that they were. So I've tiered it. So we have like the break free zone, which is for women who are just either getting out or thinking about getting out of a toxic relationship to kind of.

hold them in a space where they can get that validation, right? When you're in that phase, you want to talk a lot about your experience and get validated that what you experienced was actually abuse because you start to question like, well, was it abuse or was I just not remembering things correctly? Was I being gaslit or is it my memory that was off? Was he actually intentionally trying to manipulate me? There's a lot of questions that happen. So it's really good to be in a space with other women who are

going kind of through that same thing. And then of course, with me as a coach to kind of validate and guide and lead them through to start to break number one, that trauma bond, right? That happens in the relationship, but also to give them that validation of like, yeah, this is narcissistic behavior. Like this is what happens and this is the pattern. And you know, there is kind of like, I don't wanna say a formula, but when you look at it, like they're all kind of basically the same. They just express it maybe slightly differently.

Some are using more certain tactics more often than others, but at the end of the day, like it's all manipulation for the most part. ⁓ So there's a break free zone. And then once they kind of come through that, they go into like the healing ground. And the healing ground is for the woman who has already started doing some of the work. She's already kind of gotten out of the relationship. She's ready to move on, but she's just not sure, right? She's not sure how to kind of get onto that next path. And so that's where we start to talk about, okay, like,

Darla Ridilla (37:37)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (37:39)
Now let's talk about your nervous system. Let's talk about how to actually create more safety within you so that you can start to release some of these emotional triggers and not feel like you're at the whim of your ex's behavior, right? These women are co-parenting with narcissists, right? And you co-parent with a narcissist, it's very difficult. And the abuse sometimes sadly continues through post-separation. So that's kind of the healing ground. And then from there, they move into the empowerment circle. And this is really where we're kind of working on more like building resilience.

You know how to work with your nervous system. You have the somatic tools. But now how do we start to build resilience to start creating the life that we know we are worthy of and giving them a little bit more confidence, so rebuilding confidence. We are working on maybe reframing some of our mindset, doing a little bit more mindset work and releasing some of those negative and limiting beliefs that we are holding so that we can really step into our most empowered self. So that's the savvy and stronger community.

I've tried to make it very affordable for people to come in and be a part of it. So you get group coaching and a community to kind of go along with it. ⁓

Darla Ridilla (38:46)
That's so awesome. And

I love the tiered approach because, you know, when I think back of my own healing journey, there were specific phases that I was in. You don't go from zero to 60, especially in this. You need that in the beginning when you're just really questioning yourself. Did that really happen? Maybe I'm making this up. Maybe I made a big deal out of nothing. And then you move on from, no, this was real. This happened. But what do I do with it? To, OK.

Corissa Stepp (39:12)
Yeah.

Darla Ridilla (39:15)
How do I bounce back? How do I move past this or through it actually? We actually move through it. It's always with us, but how do we learn to live with it and live better?

Corissa Stepp (39:25)
Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Darla Ridilla (39:27)
Yeah,

yeah.

For those survivors that are in that first stage, they feel so disconnected. They don't even know which end is up. What do you recommend for them?

Corissa Stepp (39:39)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I mean, I think sometimes what we need to do at that stage is start to begin to separate our focus of attention on the other person because we can get very stuck in that stage with blame, blaming the other person, right? Not maybe, you don't, may not want to identify as a victim.

Darla Ridilla (39:57)
Yeah. Yeah.

Corissa Stepp (40:04)
And that's okay. That was me for long time. I'm like, I'm not a victim. I'm strong. I'm independent. I'm not a victim. But at the same time, I was still pointing a finger at somebody else and acting very much like I was a victim. And so you want to kind of start to step away from that and really start to focus where it matters. Because listen, at the end of the day, we know a narcissist is not going to change. So no matter how much blame you're placing on them, they're never going to take accountability.

Darla Ridilla (40:05)
Yeah. Yeah.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (40:32)
They're likely never to show remorse. And even if they do show or like pretend to show remorse, it's usually with an ulterior motive to either keep you in the relationship, right? To get something out of it. But they're not really going to do that deep work because if you think about it, the persona that they have created has been created for a reason. It's to protect a very deeply wounded self.

Darla Ridilla (40:41)
Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Corissa Stepp (41:02)
And so as a result, the self-inflated image that they have created is to protect them and keep them safe. And it doesn't feel safe enough for them to let that down, to take that guard down, to take accountability, to create self-awareness because there's too much shame. And so we have to then move to focus on what we can actually have an impact on, which is ourselves. We have to start focusing on our own healing.

Darla Ridilla (41:25)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (41:28)
And so that's really kind of like the journey that I want them to be on. And by the end of the break free zone, starting to realize, okay, the only thing I can change in the situation is myself. I can work on me. And when I start to do the work and invest in myself, that's when my life starts to change. It's not dependent on somebody else, right? So we're breaking those co-dependent ties to other people. We're breaking that trauma bond.

Darla Ridilla (41:37)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it goes really closely with I just read the let them theory by Mel Robbins. I don't know if you've read it yet. But so we can't control what other people do if they want to act in that manner. Let them. But the second piece is that doesn't mean tolerate it. Because the second step is let me let me choose how or do or don't want to participate. Let me choose how I want to move on past this.

Corissa Stepp (42:23)
Yeah.

Darla Ridilla (42:23)
And it's

been a great concept for me of when people are acting in ways that I really don't like, I don't have to accept it. I can let them be themselves. I can't change them, but I can change myself and how I react to it.

Corissa Stepp (42:40)
Yeah, absolutely. So it comes down to acceptance, right? You have to accept the other person for who they are, acknowledge who they are, accept them for who they are. No, they're not going to change. And then again, like to your point, like it's starting to learn how to set the boundaries around what you're willing to tolerate and what you're not willing to tolerate because, and then this is kind of goes into like forgiveness of the narcissist. And ⁓ I've talked about this a lot actually quite recently on my podcast, but you know, a lot of people talk about how

Darla Ridilla (42:44)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (43:09)
I've heard, I'll put it this way, there is someone in the field of narcissism who's very well known, she's very outspoken on this topic, and I've heard her say things like, I will never forgive these narcissists in my life, never, because of what they've done.

Darla Ridilla (43:25)
I'm, yes,

I know who it is.

Corissa Stepp (43:28)
And I had very, very, very mixed reactions about that. Now, first of all, I am never going to tell anyone that they have to forgive anyone. That is not my place. It's not my job to say to you, you have to forgive someone or you should never forgive someone. That's a personal choice. But I think that we can kind of flip that narrative and kind of start to say, well, forgiveness involves understanding. It involves understanding why someone is behaving the way that they are. And that doesn't mean that we're excusing them.

Darla Ridilla (43:32)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (43:58)
when we forgive them, that doesn't mean that we're saying what they did was okay. It's not us saying that, you know, we're gonna continue to tolerate it. It just means that we understand that that's who they are, that they're not gonna change, that they're coming from their own, acting from their own wounds. And you forgive them because you know deep inside of them there is a really wounded, hurt child.

and we can have compassion for that hurt child. But again, setting healthy boundaries and even setting those internal boundaries of how much am I going to expose myself to this other person, right? Do I need to state very clearly, I'm no longer engaging in this conversation because you're trying to be very hurtful, all right? And if it continues, I'm gonna walk away.

And if it continues, what do you do? You walk away. You have to hold yourself to your own boundaries. So it's garnering the strength within you to number one, communicate the boundary, which a lot of us, end up in these relationships because we don't have good boundaries. I didn't know what a boundary was until maybe four years ago, like five years ago, right? I was always told that, you you go along, you're affable, you're gracious, you give, you say yes, you help. You that's I learned.

Darla Ridilla (44:57)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Corissa Stepp (45:24)
But when you do that to your own detriment, it's obviously not helpful, right? You can't self-sacrifice. So you have to be able to set those boundaries that you're not self-sacrificing over and over again, and you're not allowing someone else to deplete your own self-worth, your energy, or anything like that. So you do have to communicate and set those healthy boundaries. But then also, if you need to actually enforce them, you have to enforce them. And you have to know what the line is and what the consequences of that behavior. Right? Or even like what the consequences to the other person, like,

Darla Ridilla (45:46)
Mm-hmm.

Mm hmm. Yeah.

Corissa Stepp (45:54)
I'm gonna walk away from this conversation. I'm gonna hang up the phone, right? Or I'm no longer gonna take that phone call. I only wanna communicate over email or text. Because then I'm in control over when I read it instead of being at the constant mercy of someone continuing to badger me or harass me or abuse me.

Darla Ridilla (46:14)
That's a great point, particularly if you have to co-parent, because that's a difficult situation, which I was blessed not to have to deal with. I can't even imagine. mean, I, at least once I decided to do it, had the freedom to go no contact and just walk. But if I had had a child with this man, I wouldn't have had that option. And I love what you say about the email. I've even heard people suggest having a mediary if even the email is too traumatizing.

Corissa Stepp (46:21)
Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (46:41)
having a friend, a very trusted friend who will read the email and just give you the information you need to know and leave out the personal attack part of that email But yeah, I really like that. You know, one thing that came into mind for me was

Before I my narcissist, I didn't have a problem setting boundaries. What happened first was I stopped setting boundaries with others, but through my own healing process now, I've discovered the real problem was I didn't have boundaries with myself. And that is right now what I'm working on.

Corissa Stepp (47:15)
Hmm.

Yeah,

definitely, for sure. I mean, that's so I teach like external boundaries versus internal boundaries. The external boundaries are the ones that you are outright communicating to others. ⁓ And oftentimes, it's not even about the other person. It's about you. I'm not feeling safe right now. I'm going to walk away from this conversation. Right. The internal boundaries come around like, if you are just communicating through email or text, well, how often are you checking that?

Darla Ridilla (47:27)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (47:47)
Well, my internal boundary is I'm gonna check it once a day after I've done a technique. And when I'm feeling safe and I'm in a safe environment and I'm feeling regulated, then I'm gonna take a deep breath and I'm gonna look at that email or that text. And I'm only doing it once a day. That's my internal boundary, once a day after the grounding technique, right? So when you start to implement and they become almost like little habits when you hold those internal boundaries, but that's just to self-

Darla Ridilla (47:53)
Yes.

you

Corissa Stepp (48:16)
It's to honor your value. It's to honor your own time, your worth, like all of that. But it can be really hard. Also that internal boundary of, I'm not going to engage with a narcissist when they start firing all of these nasty comments at me. I'm not going to engage. I'm not going to start spewing back mean, nasty things because it doesn't get me anywhere. I'm not going to share personal information with people that I can't trust. That's an internal boundary.

Darla Ridilla (48:33)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (48:46)
Right? I'm not going to say yes to everything that comes my way. Right? Or, you know, you have to, if it's a, you know, co-parenting situation or ⁓ you have to spend time with family members that are toxic. Some people it's not a partner, it's a parent or a sibling that's narcissistic, you know, but they still have to get together with the family for holidays, birthdays, whatever it might be. It's setting that internal boundary of I'm going to go for an hour and then I'm going to leave. Right?

Darla Ridilla (49:04)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (49:15)
and holding that. And maybe you have to communicate that beforehand too, to kind of not ruffle feathers and to set expectations beforehand. Cause you know how that might go down with someone who expects that, you you have no other place better to be than to be here with me, you know, if it's a narcissistic parent, right? How dare you have a life outside of me? How dare you have more important priorities than me, you know? So then it becomes explicitly, you have to explicitly state that, but you have to hold, you have to hold that boundary. Cause

Darla Ridilla (49:24)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Corissa Stepp (49:43)
The only person that's gonna honor and maintain your boundaries is you. Like that's what they're for, they're for you. So if you're not honoring it up, you might've been setting boundaries, but if you're not honoring and upholding and reaffirming them, then you don't have boundaries. You just have wishful statements that you're putting out there.

Darla Ridilla (49:47)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And the other thing with a narcissist, you, they love seeing what they can get away with. And if we don't hold our boundary, they're like, ⁓ so there's your line. Let me see if I can push that a little further next time. And what we think is a very simple, I had this experience with someone that wasn't a narcissist where he did something that I didn't like. And I set a boundary that I want to talk to you on video, but I'm not coming over to spend the night tonight.

Corissa Stepp (50:15)
huh.

This one time.

Darla Ridilla (50:29)
So he reacts very well to the conversation. What do I do? You reacted well. So, okay, I'll drive up there tonight and spend the night with you. I let him know what he could get away with.

Corissa Stepp (50:38)
you

Yep. Yeah.

Darla Ridilla (50:44)
Yeah.

You know, something I'd like to touch on is because it's a whole other dynamic. I have had some clients that have had mothers that are narcissists and I had one that was really struggling because it was later in life that she realized this. First of all, it's devastating to her. The woman that she's looked up to her whole life for whatever reason. Now she realizes has this

this behavior pattern that's hurtful, but she's also been trained to react in a certain way. There's the guilt tripping that I think often happens with parents. And I really invited her to be kind to herself. And it was hard for her to set boundaries because of course, when we start with a narcissist, they ramp it up. They want to get you back in line and on the script. What advice would you give to someone who's dealing with a parent?

Corissa Stepp (51:36)
you

Darla Ridilla (51:39)
and they're trying to navigate having that boundary, also limiting contact or whatever. Like I never tell people what is right or wrong to write them off or to stay in contact. How do you help them through that?

Corissa Stepp (51:55)
I think the number one thing that we've often learned when we have a narcissistic parent is that we are responsible for other people's emotions. And that's where the guilt comes in. Because the mother is trying to guilt the daughter into behaving, acting, doing something. And as a result, the daughter feels bad that she might be letting down her mother, disappointing her, upsetting her. The mother might be saying things like, well, you must not love me enough if you're not, I did all these things for you your whole life. And now it's your turn to take care of me and you're not here.

Darla Ridilla (52:05)
Yes.

Corissa Stepp (52:25)
This is the way the guilt kind of works and it can make you feel so bad. Like, my gosh, like, you know, of course I want to be there for my mother. Right. You've been, you've been trained for a long time. So the biggest thing is really, and I say this to my clients all the time, you are not responsible for someone else's feelings. They are responsible for their own feelings. It's not your job to step in, to rescue them, to fix things for them. Right. You can still show you care without you crossing your own personal boundaries.

You can still show that you care and that you're there for her in a way that feels safe for you. You can even say things like, ⁓ I under, and this is, this can be helpful. You can disarm the narcissist sometimes with this, but using empathy. I see that you're very upset. I see that you are really struggling right now because I'm saying no to you and that's not something you're accustomed to. I understand. I get that. That might feel like rejection. I want you to know, I still love you.

I want you to know that I still care, but unfortunately I can't be there for you because I have something going on with my children or whatever the reason is. And that sometimes can actually disarm them a little. They might ramp it up, but then that's when you're gonna set a boundary of like, I see you're still really angry and upset and you're saying hurtful things to try and upset me. And I wanna let you know that you're

behaving in a way that's making me uncomfortable or that's making me feel, you're trying to make me feel bad. And I have to go. When you're ready to talk about this again, I'm here. I'm here for you. Right? It's almost like you're talking to a small child. If a small child were throwing a temper tantrum, right? You know that those emotions are not personal to you. They're going through their own inner world. They're having their own little experience, their own little perception of things. And they're overwhelmed and they don't know how to deal with it. So they start like acting out.

Darla Ridilla (54:00)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (54:20)
you know, for some kids that might be throwing things, it might be kicking. For other kids, it might be, you know, using their words as weapons and saying really hurtful things like, I hate you. I want you to die. You know, like, I don't know, like they could, children can say really mean things, right? Especially they get older, they're teenagers. they come up with a whole bunch of stuff. So the point is, is like, you have to realize that the narcissist is still literally like a five-year-old trapped in an adult body and not take it personally and not take responsibility.

Darla Ridilla (54:32)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. yeah.

Yes.

Corissa Stepp (54:50)
So when you don't take responsibility for their emotions and you don't really feel the guilt because it's not your fault that they're feeling that way. That's their own narrative in their own head. It's their own past experiences, their own wounds that are causing them to believe that your actions mean something about them. And that's why they're getting triggered because that's what it is about with the narcissist. Oftentimes it's like that wound of I'm not important enough. I'm being rejected. I'm not being, and it's the same for all of us. We all have the same core wounds, right?

Darla Ridilla (55:07)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (55:19)
I'm not

important, I'm not lovable, I'm not valuable, I am worthless or whatever it might be. We all have that to some degree, but the narcissist, the way that they act is a way in which is hurtful. And a lot of times with like a covert narcissist, which I find a lot of moms or women in general tend to more often be covert narcissist, they will pull on those levers of fear and guilt. And that's how they control the marionette.

Darla Ridilla (55:45)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (55:47)
So you have to cut those ties. How do you cut those ties? You know you're not responsible for their emotions. You can't fix it and make it better for them no matter what you do. guess what? At end of the day, no matter what you do, it's never going to be good enough.

Darla Ridilla (55:52)
Right. Right.

Corissa Stepp (56:02)
The best thing you can do is honor yourself. You can assure her that you still love her, right? Maybe you still love her. You still care, but you have to have boundaries. And I'll tell you this, the first time you start setting boundaries, and this is gonna be true for your client, she's probably never had to set boundaries with her mom before, or she never did. She never learned how to. The first time you start setting boundaries with people who are not used to you setting boundaries, because they benefited from you not having boundaries,

for so long, they are going to push back. They're going to make you feel bad. They're going to make you feel guilty. They're going to say things like, you're not yourself anymore. Who are you? You're selfish. You you're thinking of no one but yourself, right? They're going to come out with a lot of things to get you to back down. You have to hold firm. It's going to be uncomfortable. Know that it's going to be uncomfortable, but know that if you value yourself enough, you have to hold strong.

So even if you need to walk away and take a break and say, listen, I need to come back to you. I need a minute. I need to take some space and then call that trusted friend, right? Reground yourself, come back to your sense of self, your own self love, knowing you are worthy of holding that boundary. You set that boundary for a reason. Write it down. Why are you setting this boundary? Why is it important to you? What value are you protecting by setting this boundary? The value around your time?

Darla Ridilla (57:16)
Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (57:31)
the value around your self-worth, the value around whatever it is that's important to you. Maybe it's finances. Maybe you have a parent who's asking you for money at this point. Whatever it might be. Know why you are setting the boundary ahead of time. Write it down so you can go back and reflect on it when they're getting pushed back on so that you can stay strong. Because you have a reason. You have a good reason. So sorry, I kind of went off a little bit on a tangent there.

Darla Ridilla (57:55)
No,

this is no, I absolutely love everything you say. It's such sound advice. And it's so real, like, it's really recognizing the challenge in a moment. Because that is really, I think what it is we, we have to, you know, we have to kind of prepare ourselves that this is going, maybe I've you know, what I found is kind of when I kind of rehearsed it ahead of time, like, okay, I'm going to say this, and they're probably going to react like this.

So I'm going to react like that, then we are being more proactive versus reactive because we're not caught off guard. They are very predictable. It's unbelievable how predictable they can be.

Corissa Stepp (58:37)
Yes, definitely.

And then having those somatic tools to back you up in the moment, right? So maybe you're squeezing the top of your legs while you're talking on the phone or you're giving yourself a big hug and you're squeezing your arms or you're doing body tapping or a breathing technique because they can't see if you're on the phone or you're in person. No one knows you're doing a breathing technique. No one can tell. So like just remembering to use those tools too in the moment when you're starting to get triggered. And again, it comes down to your point before having that awareness.

Darla Ridilla (58:40)
Yes. Yeah.

Right. Right.

Corissa Stepp (59:04)
that you are being triggered, like where you are in your nervous system, because then you can take that space of, let me just regroup. Maybe you have to excuse yourself and go to the bathroom if you're in person. I'm sorry, I'm gonna come right back to you. I wanna hear what you have to say, it's important, right? You might be saying that to her. I wanna hear what you have to say because it's important, but I need to run to the bathroom, I'll be right back. Hold that thought. You could do it in a very respectful way, it doesn't have to be confrontational. I think a lot of us have often backed down on our boundaries because,

Darla Ridilla (59:11)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yep. Yeah. Yeah.

Corissa Stepp (59:31)
It has led to confrontation and we're afraid of confrontation because confrontation is uncomfortable. Again, it goes back to that like if you're empathic, confrontation means someone else is upset with you and if they're upset, then you're upset. They're angry, it makes you nervous. no, they're angry, they're angry. I can't deal with this. The anger makes me feel so overwhelmed and uncomfortable and I have to get back to them feeling happy. So I just give in. No.

Darla Ridilla (59:33)
Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Yes.

⁓ So true. Before we run out of time, I did want to ask you about no, you are fine. The soul centered approach. Could you talk a little bit about that as well?

Corissa Stepp (1:00:00)
Yes, I'm sorry.

you

Yeah. So, ⁓ it kind of goes back to like me bringing a lot of like my spiritual practices kind of into my coaching, ⁓ business. So some of that has to do with, you know, obviously like your intuition, right? Laning into your intuition. ⁓ I also love kind of guiding clients to lean into some divination tools as well. So pulling Oracle cards or tarot cards for guidance, because I think that again, like when we're feeling so alone in these experiences, knowing that there's something bigger than yourself kind of out there.

for you, whether it's the universe, a God, your higher self, your soul, whatever it is, knowing that you are being guided and protected at all times is so powerful. So leaning into, you know, pulling a card to get a message that maybe resonates with you and then looking for the signs, right? We're often getting signs from the universe, from our past loved ones. ⁓ I used to do a lot of mediumship readings actually. So it was so comforting to me.

When I was going through my spiritual awakening, I had gone to my first medium actually during this time where I was kind of feeling really lost and confused and to get messages from my dad in that moment and to know like she confirmed for me in multiple different ways that it was him was so comforting to me to know that like I wasn't going through that struggle alone that I had him there and I could talk to him and he would send me signs and he sent me so many signs and he still sends me signs.

And looking for that connection beyond like this world, this human body that we're in right now, the world that we are in can be really, really comforting. And so that's kind of where I bring some of that into my practice. And then I also do things like sound healing, right? Which some people might think is like a woo woo type of thing, but it also has to do with nervous system regulation, allowing your body to feel safety to.

Darla Ridilla (1:01:48)
⁓ yes.

Mm-hmm.

Corissa Stepp (1:01:57)
gently release trauma that's stored without you having to do anything. You're literally just receiving. So getting used to receiving can be really hard for women who've experienced trauma. ⁓ So I like to kind of do that through guided meditations and sound healing sessions, like kind of together and bringing them through like an inner child meditation or visualization and that kind of thing. So it's really kind of connecting deeper with your soul and ⁓ your spirit team, right? Your soul team that's kind of always out there looking out for you.

and guiding you. So, yeah.

Darla Ridilla (1:02:29)
those are

great things. just kind of flashback to I did a sound bath a couple of years ago, and it was just so it wasn't my first one. I'd done it before, but just to shed the singing bowls, and she would get like right behind us as we're laying on the mat. And you could feel the vibration through your body. And you could I can't explain it. But there was like, in fact, I'm starting to tingle right now. I mean, it's just I didn't know it was happening. But I it felt like

really relaxing. fact, I heard someone snoring down the lane. As you do, you get so relaxed. actually kind of like when you get a massage and you just fall asleep during the session. It was incredible experience.

Corissa Stepp (1:03:07)
Yeah, and so they say that actually intention plus frequency is healing. It's medicine for your body and it and your body is so intelligent. It knows what it needs. So the frequency is kind of go exactly where they need to go to kind of get everything back into coherence in your body. So I don't want to go off on a different tangent, but you know when we've experienced trauma, we tend to repress a lot of our emotions, right? That's what that's what trauma really is. It's unresolved emotions around an experience that we've sort of internalized. So

Darla Ridilla (1:03:12)
Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Corissa Stepp (1:03:35)
Emotions are meant to be energy in motion. And when we repress them and it becomes unresolved trauma, they become stagnancies in the body. They become blockages. Those energetic blockages can cause dis-ease, right? Chronic pain, inflammation, all kinds of things that we know happen, right? Cancer, like I don't want to say it's all cancer, but you know, there are studies and there's research coming out. The body is going to react. It keeps the score, keeps the score, right? Especially with the endoconstant.

Darla Ridilla (1:03:55)
Yes, the body is going to react in some way, or form. That's right, just like the book.

Corissa Stepp (1:04:03)
⁓ So sound will help to actually break up and get that energy flowing again because the vagus nerve, polyvagal theory runs from the middle of the brain, innervates the ears, the larynx, the pharynx, all the major organs. So sound is an actual nutrient for the nervous system. It goes right into that ear and it stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system and helps your body to come into safety. And when your body feels safe, it releases the things that it no longer needs.

Darla Ridilla (1:04:13)
Mm-hmm.

That makes sense. This is before I started this somatic training. I didn't know anything about. I hadn't read The Body Keeps the Score yet. That's actually what started my whole journey into somatics was I just, always listened to a self-help book and I, sounded really good on Audible and I just started listening to it and I was just like, what is this? I really enjoy this. And that's how I got into that in the first place. As we're wrapping up, is there anything that I haven't asked you that you would like to answer or talk about?

Corissa Stepp (1:04:40)
you

Love it.

Yeah, I just want to share that my book is releasing. It's actually releasing May, it was supposed to be May 6th. It's now May 27th. I pushed back a few weeks. And so I'd love to just like offer that up to your audience if anyone's looking for help and they just want to kind of have a first touch point. know, the book is a great resource. There's a lot of really good information in there on how to help you recover from, you know, just try it's narcissistic trauma, but trauma is trauma. anyone who's experienced trauma, which is most of us, it would be really maybe a helpful resource for you. So just want to put that out there.

Darla Ridilla (1:05:06)
Okay, cool.

Yes.

Corissa Stepp (1:05:28)
if that's okay for your listeners.

Darla Ridilla (1:05:28)
⁓ absolutely.

And in fact, well, we're going to put it in the show notes as well. If someone wants to learn more about you or work with you, how can they find you?

Corissa Stepp (1:05:38)
They can go to my website, carissastep.com. I do need to update it. So it's a little failed at the moment, but it's a lot of work. But yes, you could definitely find me there or on Instagram at Carissa Step. So thank you.

Darla Ridilla (1:05:44)
I understand. It's constant. It is.

yes, absolutely. This has been a fantastic conversation. I wish we had two hours, because then we started talking about the sound healing. I'm like, ⁓ now we're going to, now I'm the one who's going to go on the tangent. But it's been, yes, it's, well, maybe that's something we need to talk about. Absolutely. ⁓ But yeah, I've had a great time talking to you. I just absolutely love how you made these points so beautifully.

Corissa Stepp (1:06:08)
Yes. We could do another episode, another day.

Darla Ridilla (1:06:25)
Understandably, you know, I'm sure anyone who hasn't even experienced narcissistic abuse would understand a little bit more about it. So thank you so much. It was a fantastic conversation.

Corissa Stepp (1:06:38)
Thank you so much, Darla. You are amazing host and I appreciate this time. So thank you so much.

Darla Ridilla (1:06:41)
⁓ thank you.

you're welcome. And to my listeners, you have the power.

Darla Ridilla (1:06:55)
Thank you so much for staying till the end. This interview just went in so many different directions, but I think each of them were so valuable. But here are my main takeaways for you. I love what Carissa said about those butterflies being mistaken as, that feeling of in love and excitement and the dopamine. But really what it is, is this anxiety that is showing up. I love how she really incorporated our

our somatic training into the dating experience, because it's definitely something that I have been doing. I also like when she talked about intuition, plus frequency equals healing. And that plays into the human design, and intuition speaking to us. So since I recorded this, I actually had my human design chart done a second time by somebody else. And this validates that this is a real

thing, she came up with the exact same results. By the way, for those who are familiar with human design, I'm an ego projector. For those of you who are not familiar with that, the summary of that means there are a very low number of people who are projectors. And it means that I'm a catalyst for change. My purpose in life is to shake things up.

is to say those things that make people uncomfortable. And it's interesting because I've been like that my whole life. And I my whole life have also been told I'm too much. I don't have a filter. I need to be more kind. While I can shake things up from a place of love. It really motivated me to up my game and to talk more about things that people don't want to talk about to say the things that people are

uncomfortable saying. And you know, the caveat is I am going to make a lot of people uncomfortable. I know that there are people out there that don't want me to talk about my family of origin and what it was really like growing up that that makes them uncomfortable. And it goes back to that let them theory that I talked about, let them, they may never be comfortable understanding who my father really was. Understanding the bully and asshole that he was.

Maybe they can't accept that and that's okay. I'm still going to talk about it. The beauty of being in tune with my body and I may talk about this in the next solo episode. I haven't recorded it yet, but I may talk more about that how this all played into the other catalyst of change that's been going on in my personal life, which I haven't really talked a lot about is that these past few weeks, it started in January when I started working with an intuitive coach.

And then it's been accelerating. But it's also put me more in tune with what is resonating with me, what is in alignment with me. And then ironically, getting the second human design chart done, and

really getting into the meat of it and sitting down and reading it, I realized there were some things and people in my life that were out of alignment. So once again, I you know, before I left Arizona, I did a major pruning of the tree. There's another one coming, there's another one in process. So maybe I will talk about that. But that is all connected to my intuition, understanding it listening to it, my body sensations that are linked to that. So

More to come. Thank you for staying till the end. I know this was another long one. I loved everything she said. I encourage you to look her up. Her book should be out by now. So this is releasing after May 27, which was her projected release. So check the show notes out and look her up and reach out to Karissa. Thank you.

Darla Ridilla (1:10:59)
Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the road to recovery from trauma and narcissistic abuse. I hope today's topic gave you some insight or inspired you to either start your recovery journey or remain on the road that leads to a more peaceful life. I'm looking forward to seeing you next time. If you like what you heard, please subscribe to the show and leave a review. I'm on several social media sites such as Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Spotify and Apple Podcast. Check out the show notes for the links. If today's episode spoke to your heart, I'd love to hear from you.

Tap the link in the show notes to send me a message. I'd be honored to connect with you. The content shared on this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist and nothing discussed should be considered professional mental health advice. Please consult a qualified mental health professional for personalized support. I am not responsible for any decisions or actions taken by listeners based on the content shared. Keep tuning in because this is a journey that we are going to take together. You have the power.