Owning Your Story, Reclaiming Your Power: Breaking the Chains of Sexual Abuse with Ada Lloyd

What happens when the people who were supposed to protect you... didn’t? When silence and denial caused as much damage as the abuse itself?

In this deeply moving episode, Darla sits down with The Emotional Chain Breaker herself, Ada Lloyd, for an unflinching conversation about the long-term effects of sexual abuse—and what it really takes to heal. Ada shares her own story of surviving childhood sexual abuse, the devastating moment her mother refused to believe her, and the journey that led her to create a life of emotional freedom.

Together, they discuss:

• Why denial and shame from others can deepen trauma
• How hidden barriers like imposter syndrome and trust issues often trace back to childhood abuse
• The emotional toll of maintaining a “strong” facade—and the liberation that comes from dropping it
• What it means to truly own your story and choose who you want to become
• How Ada’s “Yellow Pad Strategy” helps clients rewire their inner dialogue and quiet the critical voices that were never theirs to begin with

This episode is raw, empowering, and deeply validating. If you’ve ever felt alone in your story or wondered why healing feels so hard, this conversation will help you see that not only is healing possible—it’s your birthright.

Trigger warning: This episode contains discussions of sexual abuse and trauma. Please take care while listening.

Find Ada Lloyd at: 

Website: https://www.adalloyd.com/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ada-lloyd/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AdaGLloyd

Email: adalloyd@gmail.com

Find Darla Ridilla at:

Website: https://www.highvaluewoman.info

Send me an email: highvaluewoman7@gmail.com

Sign up for newsletter: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/newsletter

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LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/darla-ridilla-3179b110/

Transcript

Ada Lloyd (00:00)
And my last hope was finally telling my mother after having dropped breadcrumbs for years, hoping she would ask me questions.

what was going on and her response was your father really didn't do anything he just wanted to be close to you.

That just absolutely devastated me because I had wanted her to take me in her arms and tell me it was going to be okay and she was sorry. She was going to kick me out, kick him out, but that's not what happened. And she couldn't really hear what I was saying. And I told her in very graphic detail what he had been doing and she just couldn't hear it. And so I knew that my only escape was going to be up to me.

Darla Ridilla (00:39)
Welcome to You Have the Power, the road to recovery from trauma and narcissistic abuse. I'm Darla Rodilla, a certified somatic trauma inform coach and relationship expert who's been where you are. I work with high achieving women who feel invisible in their relationships and are exhausted from attracting the same emotionally unavailable or toxic partners. This podcast is your invitation to stop settling, to stop shrinking, and to start rewriting your story. Each episode offers raw,

honest insights into trauma, nervous system healing, and what it really takes to break the cycle so you can finally feel seen, safe, and powerful in your own life. If you're ready to reclaim your worth and reinvent your relationships, you're in the right place. Let's get into today's topic.

Darla Ridilla (01:28)
Thank you so much for joining me today for this episode with Ada Lloyd. I cannot wait for you to hear what she has to say. She's just a phenomenal guest. And you'll hear me reference this at the end of the episode, but she just has this really calming voice. And I think it's due to a lot. I think it's due to her healing. I am only going to aspire to be that calm about my story. ⁓ I recorded this about a month ago.

And last week I released an episode before that telling my own personal story. And in that month, a lot of anger, a lot of pissosity came through. And that does show up in my solo episode. No apologies for that because that's just where I was last week. I'm working a lot with an intuitive coach and I'm also doing a special forgiveness program this month.

and it fits in so perfectly with my release of these episodes because this is a really touchy topic, not just for me, but for a lot of people. And I was feeling a lot of really strong emotion about it. And still am, but I've processed a little bit over the past few days. But let's just dive into this episode, stick around till the end, because I'm gonna share my strongest takeaways.

Darla Ridilla (02:50)
Hello friends, we have yet another guest today and I'm really super excited to introduce you to her. We are gonna be talking about a really difficult topic, but I think these are things that need to be said and I think she's the perfect person to really do that. I'm just really honored, like I said, to introduce Ada Lloyd to you. She's affectionately known as the emotional chain breaker.

Ada is a powerful voice in the world of healing and transformation. And she helps individuals who are carrying deep emotional pain from childhood trauma to finally break free from the patterns that have held them back. Things like self doubt, imposter syndrome, difficulty trusting, addiction, and the inability to set healthy boundaries. Her work is all about helping people release the emotional weight that they've been carrying and sometimes for decades.

and they're gonna reclaim their sense of safety, power, and possibility. Ada's approach is deeply compassionate and transformative, creating emotional freedom, not just for personal healing, but for growth in every area of life. She's here to remind us that no matter what we've been through, we are not broken, we are becoming, and that it's never too late to shatter the hidden barriers between us and the life that we truly deserve.

Welcome Ada to the podcast.

Ada Lloyd (04:12)
Darla, it's an absolute delight to be here with you today.

Darla Ridilla (04:16)
Thank you. I, you know, this is probably going to be a healing process for me too, because I am also a survivor of sexual abuse and it's something that's followed me my whole life. It started at five years old when a little boy that my mom was babysitting kind of did one of those in the closet. I'll show you mine if you show me yours. It was that, you know, quote unquote, innocent all the way up till 2016, 2017. I had a

I had a father-in-law who groped me. I had a father who also ⁓ molested me. And I know I've been raped at least twice in my life. Very shadowy. That's probably good. I don't remember. And I, there's probably more, but that's okay. It's totally okay because my mind, you know, I've been working on my healing. I don't have to remember. I feel I don't have to remember everything, you know, for my healing.

But you know, as far as you, you are known as the emotional chain breaker. And could you share what led you to that work and you make a little bit about your own personal story as well?

Ada Lloyd (05:25)
So I grew up being sexually abused by my father long before it was on the public radar. There were no books, there were no therapists, there certainly was no internet. And I had to find a way to escape because I had tried a couple of things and they hadn't worked. And my last hope was finally telling my mother after having dropped breadcrumbs for years, hoping she would ask me questions.

what was going on and her response was your father really didn't do anything he just wanted to be close to you.

That just absolutely devastated me because I had wanted her to take me in her arms and tell me it was going to be okay and she was sorry. She was going to kick me out, kick him out, but that's not what happened. And she couldn't really hear what I was saying. And I told her in very graphic detail what he had been doing and she just couldn't hear it. And so I knew that my only escape was going to be up to me.

I was ahead in school and so I was able to graduate early from high school and I got myself on a college campus one month after my 16th birthday that was 2,500 miles from home. Now that gave me a sense of physical safety but I took all the emotional crap with me. And a few years later, and I did what everybody does in these kinds of circumstances, I shoved it in a closet.

I locked the door, I put chains around it, and I wanted to pretend it didn't exist. Well, that's about as effective as putting smoke in a closet and think it's going to stay there. It's going to find its way out and it shows up in all of these different ways, things like you mentioned earlier. And I was very fortunate in that a few years later, I received a life altering epiphany. You are not responsible for your father's choices.

but you are responsible for how you allow them to impact your life.

There are still no books, there's still no therapy, it's still not on the public radar. So I jumped into the self-help arena because that was the only thing I could find. And if I found a principle that I thought could be helpful, I would try it. And if it seemed to be helpful, I'd put it in my basket and keep it. And if it didn't, I would toss it and look for another principle. So over the period of several years, I had a basket full of principles that

Darla Ridilla (08:02)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (08:08)
didn't necessarily connect with one another. ⁓

It was about that time and it still wasn't on the public radar that the leader of my local church congregation called me on a Monday night and he said, will you speak in church on Sunday? And I said, sure. I'm thinking Fay Pope Charity. And then he throws me a curve ball. Now at this point, I'm divorced with a child. My oldest daughter's making horrible life choices and I have my own business. And he said,

You have more stress in your life than most people do, and you seem to deal with it better than most people do. I want you to speak about dealing with stress from a gospel perspective." At that point, my heart went... because I knew I was going to need to make reference to the abuse. I went and found... now, it's still not on the public radar. So I went and found my two younger daughters who were teenagers at the time.

And I said, Frank called and asked me to speak in church on Sunday. And they rolled their eyes and said, so what else is new? And I said, well, I feel like I'm going to need to make reference to the abuse that I experienced growing up. And, you know, I'm telling them I'm going to announce this in front of a church congregation of 200 people they've known their entire lives. And to their credit, they said, we're good with that, Mom. And so on Sunday,

Darla Ridilla (09:32)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (09:40)
I began by speaking about ⁓ the kinds of stress that we all encounter on a daily basis. The guy that flips you off on the freeway. The boss that's ragging on you about who knows whatever. The teenager that rolls their eyes at you. And then I said we all have uncommon stresses. Things like divorce, delinquent kids having been sexually abused as a child, financial struggles, health struggles.

I've experienced all of these and these are the strategies that I have used. That was the only reference I made to the abuse. Afterwards, three women came up to me and two of them individually laid their head on my shoulder and said, amidst their tears, I thought I was the only one. The third one just laid her head on my shoulders and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

She couldn't speak, but I knew and she knew that I knew. That was the day that I knew that although my healing was not yet complete, I had an obligation to reach back and light a path forward for those who did not yet know it was possible. And so whenever that opportunity came up as I ran my business and raised my kids and lived life and all of that, that's what I would do. And then in 2009, was

time to shut down my interior design business. And I knew that I wanted to make the transition into working with people. And I knew that there were some things I had to do more on me before I could do that. And so that's when I created the seven pillars of a happy and successful life, which are personal relationship with yourself, physical, everything about your health and your body.

emotional, which is largely about resiliency, spiritual, however you define spiritual, professional, whatever brings money into the household, financial, which is largely about stability and goals, and then relationships of all kinds. And when I knew what success looked like in each of those areas for me, not what society said, not what my former husband had said, not what anybody, not what my kids said.

I could weave them together to create my unique definition of success, which became a mindful filter so I knew when to say yes and when to say no. Because most of us say yes too often when we know we should really say no. And then to create a roadmap to get me where I wanted to go. And so those are the principles I began working with, largely with small business people, but we would inevitably get to a place where what was working so well

just didn't quite cut it. And whenever we would do a deep dive, it would inevitably go back to something they had experienced in childhood. Sometimes it was really big and really major, and they were really aware of it. Sometimes it was so seemingly, insignificantly minor. Why would this still be impacting me? I hadn't even thought about that in years. And yet they do impact us.

And so gradually I evolved into doing more work there. I did more research there. I shared more openly about my own experiences there. And then in 2022, I did something really stupid and I tripped over my own two feet. I wound up in the hospital for a couple of days. The good news is I didn't break anything. And the good news is when I came home, spirituality has always been very important to me. When I came home,

I had a very clear spiritual prompting to tear apart all of the programs I built, everything I'd ever done, and take parts of different programs and other things and create a new program. And in the process, I clearly felt the hand of God in the process. That's when I created Achieving Emotional Freedom Now. The first person who went through that program had been

Darla Ridilla (13:55)
you

Ada Lloyd (14:05)
physically, sexually, emotionally, ⁓ mentally, and financially. They stole her babysitting money, abused. And she'd been in therapy for five years and didn't have a whole lot of hope that something would help when five years of therapy hadn't helped. Her husband was concerned because he didn't want to see her disappointed again. And he didn't want to spend more money on something else that wasn't going to work.

But she ultimately decided she wanted to do it and he supported her. It's a 12 week program. In week six, she came onto our Zoom call with tears running down her face. And she said, you know, I was in therapy for five years and nothing changed. In six weeks, you have changed my life. At that point, I had tears running down my face and I continued to see miracles happen in people's lives.

Darla Ridilla (14:59)
Thank

Ada Lloyd (15:03)
throughout the rest of 22. And I was so excited about 23 and how I was going to be able to reach more people with this message. But then it was not the year that was on my bucket list. I was in and out of the hospital seven times. I was in and out of extended care seven times. I got to come home seven times for a couple of weeks. And the last time...

On October 23rd of 2023, the doctor told me I had two days to live. Fortunately, he was wrong. I truly believe that one of the reasons that my life was spared was so more people could hear my message about the power of healing and that they don't have to live in pain. And then,

Darla Ridilla (15:44)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (16:00)
Early in 2024, I'm thinking, okay, I'm getting my strength back. I can start to do this. And a very professional hacker took over my Facebook account and got me locked out of my groups and proceeded to scam people in my name, which was really hard. mean, because honor and integrity are two of my most important values. so and Facebook was no help at all.

Darla Ridilla (16:10)
Hmm.

Right.

Ada Lloyd (16:30)
And so it was really fall before I was able to start working with people again. But it brings me so much joy because I don't want to see anyone living in pain when I know there's an alternative.

Darla Ridilla (16:46)
Your work is so powerful. ⁓ You touched on so many points. You know, the first one that comes to mind is after you spoke in a church and those women came up to you thinking they were the only ones. I think we all have some form of isolation from what from what we've experienced, whether it's the shame that society puts on us that we shouldn't talk about it, or it's the shame that our family puts on us. Because my mom ⁓

my dad, it was interesting, he didn't start molesting me till I was about 13. And I had told a school counselor, and his response is, well, he just, he's just, he doesn't really mean harm. He's just going, you know, he's just trying to, you know, to have power over you. And that didn't once again, that diminishes it. And then when I told my mom what was going on, she confronted him, of course, he's going to deny it. And I had previously said,

I want you guys to get divorced. I don't want you to be together. That should have been the red flag right there. Why do I want my parents divorced? That's not normal. But her she turned that and use that as well. You would said you would say anything you would do anything to make to break us up. So you lied. And she stood on that ground till she died. And then there was another incident when I was 15 or six, I think I was 15. My mom's best friend husband also molested me.

when we were over their house visiting one night. And when I told her once again, her response was, I can't break up my friend's marriage. Those things, it adds on. The abuse itself is so bad, but when others don't validate it, act on it, ⁓ help us, support us, I think that makes it worse. And your talk in that church honored their experience. And I love that part of it.

Absolutely.

Ada Lloyd (18:40)
Thank you,

Darla. And you know, unfortunately, your story is incredibly common. Because when something happens as a child, and we don't understand it, we just know that it feels wrong. It's uncomfortable. It's physically painful. It's emotionally painful. We don't know how to deal with it. We don't know anybody else is dealing with it. So our assumption is there's something wrong with us. And so...

Darla Ridilla (18:46)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (19:10)
that we begin to devalue ourselves. And then things happen, like some of the instances that you portrayed, where we become fearful of judgment. If somebody else knows about this, they're going to view me as less worthy, as broken, as damaged. And so we become protective and we isolate. And rather than the people

who should embrace us and help us find a path to healing, they compound the original trauma by layering denial, guilt, shame, all of these things on us. And because these are the people we love that we trust, we internalize that as our value.

Darla Ridilla (19:50)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I'm wondering if that internalization is why I seem to attract it all the way up to eight years ago in my 40s. It was insane. And it was that same pattern. So I didn't even remember that I was raped until about 2016. It was interesting because my last husband knew it. He had he picked up on it and he said, you've been raped. And I said, No, I haven't. I didn't even remember it. And it was about a year later.

Maybe that was part of his plan in my life. mean, we're still on good terms and there, you know, I was blessed, even though it didn't work out, I was blessed to have him in my life. ⁓ But a year later, I started to have very shadowy memories of one as a child and one as an adult. And the adult, I'm pretty sure I know when that happened. We were in a biker club and I got very, very, very drunk on an out of town trip. And I'm pretty sure that's the night it happened. But

in that process, he, he knew his dad was a sexual predator. He knew this. And I, I, I did not think anything like that would happen. But I also feel that my ex husband should have protected me. He left me alone in the room with him. And his reaction when I told him the next morning when it happened, he said, ⁓ well, my dad has dementia. I'm like, No, he planned it. He waited till everyone left the room.

people with dementia don't have a filter. They do act out sexually, but they do it without planning. They just do it. And, you know, it was a terrible process because it ended up, it was part of the reason that the marriage ended, because I never forgave him for not protecting me and then not properly holding his dad accountable when I finally said, I need you to confront your dad. I did put that off for a while because of my own concerns, but.

It's very difficult and I do wonder if because of that shame, that's why I kept attracting that, not that I'm responsible, but it kept happening.

Ada Lloyd (22:10)
So let me explain because you're absolutely right on Darla. What we grow up with is our normal.

Darla Ridilla (22:13)
Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (22:20)
So we gravitate towards our normal because it's what we know. It's what we define as normal. And so when you look at domestic violence and you look at both perpetrators and victims, in almost every instance, they grew up in an abusive environment or an environment where violence was present.

Darla Ridilla (22:25)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (22:50)
That is their normal.

So that abuser that grew up in that environment and that victim that grew up in that environment are drawn to each other because it's their normal. And until we define to make the choice to say no, that may have been my normal growing up, but I do not choose for that to be my normal in adulthood.

Darla Ridilla (23:06)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (23:23)
I need to rebuild my perceptions. I need to do whatever healing I need to do to break that normal. So for 40 years you were drawn to your normal and it's totally natural. It is totally and completely predictable. It's not something to beat yourself up over. It is something to celebrate.

Darla Ridilla (23:40)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (23:53)
that you came to a point of saying, whoa, this is not going to be my normal moving forward. And that may not have been the words that you used, but that was the principle that you chose.

Darla Ridilla (24:03)
Yeah, go ahead.

Well, I think the catalyst for that, so all those other times, while like with my dad, there were a couple of cousins that knew it was kind of hush hush. This is the first time I've publicly spoken about my mom's friend's husband doing that. I've never and in fact, there are probably many people in my family that don't even know this. But here's the difference with my father-in-law is when I was not happy with the way things were handled with my ex-husband, I decided to confront my father-in-law myself.

He was a very volatile man, so I did not do it in person. I knew that would not go well. So I wrote him a letter and I called him out for what he did. And I said, I don't ever plan on being in your presence again, but if for some reason I am, and you ever do that again, because he was a preacher. I said, I will call you out in public in front of everyone and embarrass you. Now my ex-husband did not handle that well, but I think that's the catalyst because it hasn't happened since.

Ada Lloyd (24:58)
Hmm.

You know, and that's the power of choice is I truly believe that the greatest freedom that any of us have in this world is the freedom to choose who we are, where we are going, how we're going to get there and who we are becoming. And you made a choice that said, no, this is not acceptable. And if you try to play this game or pull this stunt or whatever again,

Darla Ridilla (25:14)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (25:39)
These are the consequences that you are going to experience. And he had a choice at that point, which was to say, I guess I'd better not do that again.

Darla Ridilla (25:53)
Yeah, mean, I'm sure internally he did. Yeah, yeah. That was not his outer reaction. He threatened that he was going to sue me for slander. This is why I didn't confide him in person. But his reaction really wasn't about me. And it was really about my confrontation. was about my power. I knew he wouldn't react well, but that was irrelevant to me.

Ada Lloyd (25:54)
You just might really do it.

Thank

Yeah.

Darla Ridilla (26:21)
It was more about me saying, said, like you said it, no more. You won't do this. You've done it to other women. You've been inappropriate, but you won't do it with me again.

Ada Lloyd (26:32)
So you just said something really significant, that it was about you, that it was about him, not about you. So one of the keys to breaking those chains that bind us emotionally is identifying what happened and then owning your story. Your story is what you experienced, how you felt about it then.

Darla Ridilla (26:36)
Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (27:00)
how you feel about it now looking back on it, and how you feel about what was said to you. Not what was said to you that was a lie, but how you feel about it and you felt about it then. Everything else is your abusers, bullies, and ablers story. And the most common line we hear in domestic violence is, if you had done this, I wouldn't have had to do that. The reality is you're never responsible for what somebody else chooses.

Darla Ridilla (27:08)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Ada Lloyd (27:29)
That is

all about them. It is not about you. That is the first and biggest lie that you hear. Because if they can make you responsible for their choice, then they get a free pass. They're the good guy. They're not responsible for anything. But you you also made reference to power. Most abuse is about power.

Darla Ridilla (27:47)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (27:58)
Because what we do after we own your own story is we say, okay, let's take a look at what was going on in your abuser's enabler's lives at the time that they made the choices that they made. And the first reaction is people tend to say, I really don't know that much. But it's kind of like putting together a puzzle. You get down to the end and you're missing a few pieces. You've still got a pretty good idea of what that puzzle looks like.

And so it is as we put together the puzzle about what was going on in their life. And almost inevitably it comes down to they feel powerless in some area in their life. And so they are going to feel more powerful by abusing you, demeaning you, doing whatever. It is to feed their ego and their need for power. It is never about

Darla Ridilla (28:35)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (28:59)
you. And so once you can recognize that it was all about them, it wasn't about you, that's when the chains really start to get broken. But then there's those voices that hang out in the back of our heads that say, you're not good enough. You failed last time you tried this. Why do you think you're going to fail this time or not going to fail? Why do think you're going to succeed this time? You know,

Darla Ridilla (29:00)
Right.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (29:29)
Let's talk about voices for a minute. Because when you were a newborn baby and the nurse was cleaning you up and getting you ready to hand back to mom, you weren't saying, I'm going to be a failure in life. I'm never going to be able to do anything right. Those voices don't originate from within us. They come from someplace else. They come from somebody else. Even if we have internalized them,

Darla Ridilla (29:32)
That's yes.

Ada Lloyd (29:59)
and we're no longer hearing it in their voice, we're hearing it in our voice. And our attitude tends to be, well, I wouldn't lie to myself. So this has got to be, you know, true. No.

Darla Ridilla (30:11)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (30:14)
you have bought into somebody else's lies about who you are. So even if it's your voice, we're going to backtrack and we're going to find out whose voice it was before it was your voice. And then we're going to go through a process to quiet those voices. And let me give you an example of a seemingly minor

instance with one of those voices and the incredible impact it had on a client. Jodi was in her early 60s when we met, very attractive, articulate, very intelligent woman, very much into human design, which we talked about earlier. And she had had a perfectly happy childhood. She had come to me about some things in adulthood.

Darla Ridilla (31:04)
Mm-hmm. Yep.

Ada Lloyd (31:14)
And she had her own bookkeeping practice. She'd been an accountant her entire adult life. And along the way I had learned that she was a CPA, but she didn't identify as a CPA. And that didn't make any sense to me because I've been around CPAs my entire life. And I know what's involved in earning that designation, but I hadn't had the right opportunity to ask her about it. And so one day as we're talking about something she was concerned about,

In passing, without it ever hitting her radar, she said, in third grade, my teacher told me I'd never be a success in life because I wasn't any good in math. And she keeps talking. And in the meantime, I've got bells going off in the back of my head going ding, ding, ding, ding. When we finished the conversation that she was focused on, I circled back and I said, so tell me a little bit more about what happened in third grade. She said, well, there's really not anything else to tell.

And so I looked at her and I said, does that have anything to do with the fact you don't identify as a CPA? Boom, a light bulb went off. She did not feel worthy of a designation she had earned because of what a bullying third grade teacher had told her 55 years before. Now, a CPA can bill a whole lot more than a bookkeeper can for the same function.

A CPA can do things a bookkeeper can't. Aside from the financial ramifications, think about the opportunities that she had lost. Think about the impact on her own self-esteem. So we very quickly took care of the worthiness piece. And.

I'm going to come back and tell you about the voices in a minute. But what I wanted to tell you is that when we talked a couple of months later, Jody said, you have done more for my business than all of the business coaches that I've hired. And I smiled and said, thank you. But I didn't really do anything for your business. I helped you remove a block in your personal life that you didn't know that was there so you could show up as who you really are in your business.

Now I had asked her question that why didn't you identify as a CPA? And her response had been, well, it just didn't feel right. It just felt right to create a bookkeeping business. My question for you and for everybody else and for me is how often do we make decisions based on what feels right?

Darla Ridilla (34:00)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (34:02)
This comment from this bullying third grade teacher was not on her conscious radar. It was buried deep in her subconscious. It just happened to pop out in the context of the conversation that we were having. And we have most of the time, we've all heard things like that. Parents, teachers, religious leaders, community leaders, friends, peers, people that say things to us.

Darla Ridilla (34:09)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (34:31)
that are hurtful, that diminish who we are and who we can become. And fortunately, most of the time we let them roll off of our backs. But sometimes for some unexplained reason, one just burrows deep into our subconscious and it hangs out there without us ever being aware of it. And so when we think we're making that conscious decision,

We've lined up the pros and the cons and we've looked at everything and we make the decision that feels right.

There are times I call it our secret saboteur because it's exerting an influence that we are totally unaware of, which is why Jody didn't identify as a CPA.

Darla Ridilla (35:11)
Mm, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (35:25)
If today's episode struck a chord, or if you're realizing you're done attracting emotionally unavailable men over and over again, it might be time for the 90-day reinvention.

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Ada Lloyd (36:08)
So once we identified where that came from and what it was, we go through a strategy. How do you confront a lie and prove it's a lie? Well, you prove it with truth. So I said, okay, we're going to look for 10 truths that prove that what your teacher told you was a lie. So, you know, here's where I start taking some chances. And I said, how did you do in math in high school?

Darla Ridilla (36:33)
Right.

Ada Lloyd (36:37)
I got A's. ⁓ okay. How did you do in math in college? I got A's. ⁓ and you're a CPA? Yes. And this one I had figured out. So I knew I wasn't taking a risk on this question. I said, I know that only about 14 % of the people who sit for the CPA exam pass all four parts the first time. How did you do? I passed.

Have you ever bounced a check? No. Okay, we have created a list of five truths that prove that what she said was a lie. Now, create five more truths. And then you have these ten truths in your hip pocket. Any time you hear that voice telling you that you will never be a success in life because you're not any good at math, I want you to mentally say no.

Darla Ridilla (37:15)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (37:37)
You are mistaken because boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And gradually that voice will quiet until it disappears.

Darla Ridilla (37:46)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (37:48)
your subconscious will gradually embrace the truth of what you are saying that proves that that lie has no place.

Darla Ridilla (38:00)
love that. And I was thinking that's probably why your method works where the regular cognitive behavior therapy won't because that usually involves rehashing everything reliving it re ingratiating it into your memory, all the negative aspects, where we're taking that negative and turning it and showing that no, this is not your truth. It happened to you. But the lasting thoughts and effects aren't your truth.

Ada Lloyd (38:23)
Yes.

Darla Ridilla (38:29)
I love that you're turning that.

Ada Lloyd (38:32)
You know, I've got another client that...

Again, she's in her early 60s.

She experienced trauma when she was 14. Then other things compounded on that over the years. She actually went back to school and got a degree in behavioral health, looking to solve her own trauma. And she got some insights, but she still carried all of the weight of it. She went into therapy for 20 years for depression.

In week two of my program, there's information and then questions, information and questions, and you do a lot of work before we talk. And I tell my clients that you don't ever have to share anything with me. What you're doing is for you. You can share whatever you want with whoever you want, but you don't have to share it with anybody. But you have to be brutally honest with yourself.

She had done the work for week two, but we had not yet had our call about week two when I got a message from her that said.

For the first time in 20 years, I'm feeling my depression start to lift.

We have just finished week 11 and she is a totally and completely different person. But what she said that I have had so many clients say to me and it just makes me crazy is that in all our years of therapy they keep going around and around and around in circle and talking about facts. We start with facts but they take up this much space. It's all about the feelings about the facts because feelings drive behavior.

and feelings deserve to be honored.

And so often they haven't been honored by other people.

And that was all about them. It was never about you. So for example, when your mother was denying the reality of what was going on, I suspect that part of her inability to either consciously or unconsciously process that was that if something happened, she would wind up

being a divorcee with no way to support the family. And that was terrifying.

Darla Ridilla (41:12)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (41:18)
And so she made the choice.

to maintain the status quo that left her safer than protect you. And that is an incredibly common thing in our generation, but sadly, even in the current generation.

Darla Ridilla (41:29)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. And you know, and I am I'm working on that because it's interesting now that more of my, my negative emotion is towards my mom right now than my father a lot. I've been working a lot on that. But and I know this is a process, but I'm also coming to the realization that she did the best she could with what she had. Both of my parents you talked on this earlier came from abusive childhoods.

Ada Lloyd (42:01)
Mm-hmm.

Darla Ridilla (42:05)
different modalities. My dad came from ⁓ a physically abusive alcoholic. My mom came from someone who used the silent treatment, which she used on me. made the it doesn't condone it, but it also explains that I can have I'm starting just starting to have the compassion to say that wasn't okay, but I understand how it happened.

Ada Lloyd (42:13)
This is.

So this again is really significant. The client that I made reference to earlier that had the all five types of abuse and all of that. One of the things that she said after she completed the program, and my plan is that when somebody completes the program, they've got a tool belt so they can process other things in the past, things in the present, or things that will happen in the future. Yeah, they can come back to me and we can go through things again.

Darla Ridilla (42:36)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (42:57)
but I want them to have the independence of knowing they have the tools. And so one of the things that she came back to me after having used her tool belt for several months was that she more fully understood what was going on in her mother's life at the time she was abused and she had developed great compassion for her mother. Now that

We talk about forgiveness and the world has a tendency to say that forgiveness is saying, okay, no big deal, we're past it, no harm, no foul. That's not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is not me forgiving you for what you have done. That's what the world wants me to do. Forgiveness is me forgiving you so I don't have to carry the burden of it.

Darla Ridilla (43:36)
Mm-mm. No.

Ada Lloyd (43:54)
Because when I carry the burden of the hurt and the anger, I am choosing to perpetuate your abuse and I am abusing myself in that process. That forgiveness is never saying what you did is okay. We are not condoning it in any way, shape or form. But we are saying, I am not going to continue to allow myself to be abused by your choices.

Darla Ridilla (44:07)
Mm-hmm.

Right, right. You know, a big part of self love is also, you know, doing that it is because when we carry the weight of what they've done, it is an abuse to ourselves and we are holding ourselves back and we are going to repeat the same patterns. We can't move on until we let go of that. But absolutely. I love that you said that because it's been something that just drives me nuts that we have to

Forgive it and it's it's it's not saying it's okay. It's not saying we're never gonna talk about it I can you know as I'm in the beginning processes of letting that go I'm That doesn't mean I'm never gonna talk about it again quite the opposite Maybe that's a good thing to keep keep talking about it It heals it it helped it opens the door for other people as I start revealing more and more about my family of origin And what's going on or what happened? I'm opening the door for other people

that like those women.

Ada Lloyd (45:23)
You're creating a safe place for somebody to feel heard and to not feel isolated. know, every year going into the holidays, I put up a post about, you know, how to deal with family gatherings and things when you have been abused and your family does not necessarily honor or recognize your experience. And I, you know, put up some

Darla Ridilla (45:28)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (45:51)
some tools and some things that you can do. And I've got a friend who's a few years younger than I am, but not that many. And she grew up being abused by her brother. And classic situation, know, denial in the family. And she won't come to me because I'm her friend. She doesn't understand that I can draw a boundary, and I do, between friendship and work.

Darla Ridilla (46:20)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (46:20)
And

so she's tried all of these other things that make a little bit of progress but still aren't working. But that's her choice to do that. And she was telling me a couple of months ago about a family gathering that was coming up and her brother was going to be there. And she was really very uncomfortable. And she said something to her mother about it. And her mother said,

Darla Ridilla (46:25)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (46:46)
Get over it. It was all those years ago. It wasn't that big of a deal.

Unfortunately, that is way too common.

Darla Ridilla (46:58)
It is.

Ada Lloyd (46:59)
And what that does is that adds another layer of devaluing who you are because what you experienced at the hands of somebody else is being diminished. And you're not receiving any consequences, any judgment, anything. It's like they get a free pass, you know, and you get attacked.

for saying, a minute, what about me?

Darla Ridilla (47:30)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (47:33)
And that's

a sad commentary on society.

Darla Ridilla (47:37)
It is I remember having a discussion with my ex husband about Bill Cosby. You know, this was I think it was all going on around that time. And he goes, he's an old man. There should be a statute of limitations on that. And I was furious with him. And I said, there's no statute of limitations on me. I will live with this for the rest of my life. Well, I don't have to be a victim. I'm still a survivor. Why?

And I think it was more about him and his dad and he didn't, if Bill Cosby's punishable as an old man, now his dad has to be punishable because this is after, you know, all that happened. ⁓ But it is interesting how people, their perception of it, and I don't know if it's out of denial or just they don't, they're ignorant, but I think it's maybe a combination of both. But yeah, I'm glad, I'm so glad we're bringing this up because if anyone has experienced that in their listening.

Ada Lloyd (48:09)
Yeah.

Darla Ridilla (48:29)
it goes back, you again, that you're just, you're not alone. I think that sexual abuse is way more common than the statistics say it is.

Ada Lloyd (48:40)
You know, and something to add here is men experience it also. Society has become more accepting of the fact that women experience it. They're not yet as accepting of the fact that men experience it. Now, the majority of victims are still female, but that does not negate the fact that if anything, it is harder for male victims.

Darla Ridilla (48:44)
They do.

Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (49:10)
to deal with this because there's that perception that number one, they're supposed to be tough guys. How could somebody abuse you? You're a boy, you're a tough guy. And the other thing is they tend to have a harder time really connecting with emotions.

and then sharing emotions. Again, that that's societal burden that we have put on men. And it is gradually breaking down, but it is still very much present. So everything that we have said is applicable to both men as well as to

Darla Ridilla (49:38)
Yes.

Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up. And and I won't say who it is, because it's not my story to tell. ⁓ But I do know someone as a man who experienced sexual abuse from a man, and it was devastating to him. And you have that they've got, like you said, society wise, my gosh, you know, what are you talking about? The shame and the guilt is way higher. And it's something that needs to be addressed. It's something that needs to be

talked about. think there's somebody that's actually coming on my show later on in the year that's going to talk about that. I can't even imagine how devastating it is to them.

Ada Lloyd (50:39)
You know, when I first really got to feel the devastation of this, I was in a networking group several years ago. And there was a man that I knew through the networking group. And he was retired special forces. And everything you would picture about being leathery and hardened and, I mean, he was the personification of all of those visuals that we have.

And that was how he came across in his personality. And one day after the networking event, there were only two or three of us left still there. And he pulled me aside. And with tears in his eyes, he said, I have never told a living soul. And he told me about being abused as a child.

And I looked at this tough, battle-hardened man.

with an exterior that, you know, didn't look like you could crack it with a hammer.

and the emotion that was coming out of him and the tears.

And I think that's the day that I really understood how traumatic it could be for a man.

Darla Ridilla (52:16)
What came to mind is maybe that tough exterior was his coping mechanism. Because he hurt so bad, he couldn't afford to show it. Yeah.

Ada Lloyd (52:21)
Mm-hmm. You know, okay, good point. So let's talk about this for a minute because I was a master at this. So

because nobody was going to know that I had been abused. So I had this persona out here, this facade, competent, capable. I can handle anything. Nobody was getting through this. Everybody thought this was real. But back here, I'm broken in a thousand pieces.

Darla Ridilla (52:32)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (52:50)
and I'm crying. And I kept this persona in place for years. And then it started to develop cracks in it. And then I was spending more energy patching the cracks.

Darla Ridilla (53:02)
Right.

Ada Lloyd (53:04)
And then, and this happened after that experience in church that I mentioned to you. That was, I think, really the catalyst for it happening. I realized how much energy I was spending in maintaining that facade and in patching all of those cracks. And I realized that you can either like me and accept me for who I was.

Darla Ridilla (53:13)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (53:31)
or you could not like me and not accept me for who I was, that was your choice. That didn't define who I was. And that I didn't want to spend all of that energy maintaining that facade when I could use it for something that was going to bring me more joy, more happiness, more whatever. And.

That's a decision I have never ever regretted. I have never looked back on. Yeah, there have been a few people over the years that have kind of gone, and gone their merry way. Well, that's their choice. But, you know.

Darla Ridilla (54:13)
Yeah.

Ada Lloyd (54:18)
That was even before I really started to actively, you know, tell my story and to reach out to people and to look to help people. It had to happen first for me to really do what I do and let people see who I am. And I think part of that also was just before that church story was when my former husband and I were divorced.

And I had spent years trying to be who I thought he wanted me to be, to save the marriage and make it better. And when that didn't work, I had the freedom to just be me. And I remember somebody in my church foyer coming up to me, not somebody I knew well, somebody I knew casually, several months after the divorce. And she said, you're blossoming. And my first reaction was, what?

and I was a little bit offended. But then my response was, no, I'm just becoming me again. And that's a sad commentary, that we surrender who we are for the sake of relationships. Whether it's a relationship with a spouse, a partner, a friend, a parent, a child.

We deserve and we have a responsibility to be who we are.

Darla Ridilla (55:49)
Yeah, that is so true. Because I spent many, many years most of my life being who I thought others wanted me to be. Because I wanted to be accepted. And I wanted to be loved. And I was taught from an early age that in order to be loved, you have to do what you're told and you have to be what I want you to be or there will be consequences and they won't be pleasant. And it was it was work. Yeah, go ahead.

Ada Lloyd (56:15)
You know, nobody has the right to define who you are or to define who you can become. And when somebody comes out of an abusive situation, one of the things that, well, with my program where it's 12 weeks, the first seven weeks are devoted to breaking the chains and healing from abuse. The last five weeks are devoted to knowing who you want to become and how you're going to get there.

Darla Ridilla (56:19)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (56:43)
But that middle point right in the middle, there's a tendency for people to go, I don't have a clue who I am. Because they have always been defined by who somebody else said they were. And so we have broken the chains, we've proved that was a lie. Well, if that's a lie, then who am I?

Darla Ridilla (56:52)
Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Ada Lloyd (57:08)
And the good news is we get to choose them.

And kind of an interesting example of this is a woman that I have known for several years. And she was a part of my local church congregation. And she was just always kind of standoffish. And she was a little bit of a strange duck, if you will. And ⁓

Darla Ridilla (57:38)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (57:43)
I actually was better friends with her husband than I was with her. He took care of my computer and all sorts of things. And then he died ⁓ at about age 50. He had been ill for a couple of years, but they thought he was getting better and then all of a sudden he was gone. And obviously this was very traumatic for her. And we had a lot of conversations during that time.

Darla Ridilla (58:08)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (58:14)
because she had grown up in a less than ideal situation. She had had a terrific marriage, but not never been accepted by her in-laws and her sibling in-laws ⁓ of her husband's. And it was largely about how other people had defined her. And so she was going to be moving a couple hundred miles from here where the only person that was there

was her sister, but she was going to be able to, and her sister wasn't a member of the same church or anything, she was going to be able to go into a new location, a new church community where nobody knew her. And I said, okay, choose who you want to be. And when you go into your new community, be the person you want to be, not who...

Everybody else has told you for years you were, but be who you are, who you want to be. And she's been there now for about a year and a half. And other than the fact that she still desperately misses her husband, her life is totally different. She has friends, she's involved with people, she's doing things. You know, she'll hear things like, well, the party can start, you're here now.

which is totally different than, you know, hiding as a wallflower when she was here.

We have the opportunity and the responsibility to define for ourselves who we are and who we are becoming.

Darla Ridilla (1:00:09)
I love that as we get close to the end of this. can't believe it's been almost an hour already. Is there any? I know what I knew was going to go like this. ⁓ And I love that. I love that. ⁓ Is there anything that I haven't asked you that you do want to share?

Ada Lloyd (1:00:14)
Thank

I warned you!

You know, I think the most important thing is for people to know that their past does not define them. I don't care if it's what somebody else has done to you, if it's your own mistakes. You know, none of us are perfect, but your past does not define your future. And have hope. Hope is the most precious of all.

commodities if you will. And if you are carrying burdens from the past, I would love it if you would reach out to me, but more than that, I want you to reach out to somebody, something, someplace, somehow, somewhere, so that you can release the weight of everything that you're carrying on your shoulders.

You have no need to be caring that you don't deserve to be caring. And I want you to embrace.

the reality that you are deserving of emotional freedom and that you can do whatever it is you need to do to achieve it because you're worth it.

Darla Ridilla (1:01:59)
beautiful, beautiful. So if someone does want to reach out to you, if they want to work with you, where can they find you?

Ada Lloyd (1:02:09)
they can find me all sorts of places. On LinkedIn or on YouTube, I'm simply Ada Lloyd. On Facebook, I'm Ada G. Lloyd because of the hacker and having to reinvent myself, if you will. They can email me at adaloyd at gmail.com. And there's an ebook that I would like to share with your viewers. And I'll give you the link.

Darla Ridilla (1:02:11)
Mm-hmm.

Okay, absolutely.

Ada Lloyd (1:02:40)
because what

it does is it talks about some of the kinds of things that we talked about earlier, ⁓ imposter syndrome, addiction, et cetera, that tend to be symptoms. And we look to treat the symptom that the underlying disease is what happened in childhood. And just like if you had a absolutely horrible headache,

And you went to the doctor because Tylenol didn't touch it, nothing else touched it. And he ran a bunch of tests and he came back and he said, well, you've got a brain tumor. Well, would you want him to treat your headache or your brain tumor? I don't know about you, but I want him to treat the brain tumor. And all of these other things that we tend to treat and pretend that they live in isolation, they don't. They're symptoms. The underlying disease is what happened in childhood. So when we cure that,

Darla Ridilla (1:03:22)
Mm-hmm.

Ada Lloyd (1:03:38)
and frequently the symptoms go away by themselves, or if they don't, then they are much more amenable to be treated successfully.

Darla Ridilla (1:03:48)
Yes, we will put those into show notes, all those links and information that way it'll make it easier for the listeners to contact you. yes. Same, I know when we met several months ago at the podcast collaborative that this was gonna be a phenomenal conversation. Your voice has such a calming effect.

Ada Lloyd (1:03:55)
Darla, it is such a pleasure to spend time with you.

Darla Ridilla (1:04:08)
I feel like I've been in a meditative state for the past hour. After frantically running to Walmart to get ready for this camping trip I was telling you about, was very nice to just be like, breathe. Even though the subject was difficult, I think it actually makes it easier. And I'm sure that your clients also find that it gives, you talked about that safe space, that I'm sure that your calm demeanor, just, it's okay.

Lay it on me. I can handle whatever you're about to share with me, right?

Ada Lloyd (1:04:43)
You know, I truly believe that the greatest gift that I can give a client is the fact that it is a safe place where their feelings are going to be honored. I can't overstate the importance of that because so often they have been dishonored, as you know from personal experience.

Darla Ridilla (1:05:08)
Absolutely. Well, thank you so much for being here today and sharing your experiences sharing how you help others because it's such an important work. I'm really glad that you are able to be with us.

Ada Lloyd (1:05:21)
I am delighted to have had the opportunity. It has been fun.

Darla Ridilla (1:05:27)
Yes, it has been has. And to my listeners, you have the power.

Darla Ridilla (1:05:35)
Thank you so much for sticking around till the end. I really hope there was something in this episode that touched you as well. If you are also a sexual abuse survivor, I hope there was something that Ada said that just really landed for you. So here are my takeaways. I love what she said is I'm not responsible for my father's choices.

And I really had to learn that myself because I also felt like there was something wrong with me. Why does this keep happening? And particularly since I had an additional father figure and also as is common, there were people in my life that I knew that were sexually abusing me. Why do I keep attracting this? I have said this in relationships that sex is the only thing I'm good at. Unfortunately, that's the message that was sent to me. But now I've learned that is not my truth.

I have qualities in my life that don't involve sex that don't involve men's insecurities of themselves that are manifesting and they're abusive me. So let's talk about the other takeaway. I love what she said about denial, guilt and shame increases our trauma. When we share our story with others and they don't have the capacity to hear it or accept it. It really does.

add to the abuse because they in their own way are abusing us. But we don't have to take that on. That is not something that is ours. That is theirs, whether they they are the abuser, or they are the ones refusing to accept our story. We don't have to take that on. That's not ours. All that's ours is our experience. That's it. And I also love that she said abuse.

is about their need for power, it has nothing to do with you. And that is so true. This goes back to what I just said, there's their insecurity, their need to do whatever, whether it's control, which it usually is. That's on them. That is not ours. And moving forward, we can say I don't accept that. You know, I've become very vigilant in my dating experiences in particular about

That's not appropriate. I have called men out in the moment saying that's an inappropriate thing to say to me. I'm a lady and you'll treat me as such or this conversation's over. Or if it's bad enough, I'll say, I am a lady. I don't accept that type of behavior. The conversation is over. We have the power no matter where we are, whether it's a verbal statement or a physical act to say, this is not okay. This is abuse and I don't accept it. And we have the power to go back.

to our abusers if we choose, whether it's a direct confrontation or it's a letter that we write that we never sent to say enough, we are done. This hurt me in the past, but I am not gonna allow it to hurt me in the future. I am gonna find a way to heal from it and to learn from it and move forward and through it. Thank you again for being a part of this program, this podcast and this journey.

because it really is a journey that we do take together. I say that a lot, but I really do mean it because every time I speak of my own experiences or I have a guest on that gives me an aha moment, my healing continues. So thank you for being on this journey with me.

Darla Ridilla (1:09:03)
Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the road to recovery from trauma and narcissistic abuse. If you're a high achieving woman who's tired of feeling stuck, unseen or unfulfilled in your relationships, this podcast is your wake up call. The road to healing starts with reclaiming your power and you don't have to walk it alone. If this episode hit home, don't keep it to yourself. Subscribe, leave a review and share it with another woman who needs to hear this. You never know whose life you might change. Want to connect directly? Tap the link in the show notes.

and send me a message. I'd love to hear what landed for you. And remember, this show is for education and inspiration. I'm not a licensed therapist, so be sure to seek professional support when you need it. We're here for real transformation. Keep listening, keep rising, because you have the power.