48: Reclaiming Your Body, Your Boundaries, Your Power

In Part 3 of my Reclaiming Safety & Power After Sexual Abuse series, I open up about one of the hardest truths: forgiveness is not always owed to our abusers.

In this raw, unfiltered episode, I share why I choose not to forgive those who violated me — and why real healing means forgiving myself instead. I talk about the deep betrayal that comes when the people we trust the most become the ones who hurt us, and the painful layers of shame, anger, and self-blame that can linger for years.

We’ll explore how unresolved trauma shapes our patterns — how what’s “familiar” can keep us stuck in cycles of unhealthy love — and how to reclaim our bodies, our boundaries, and our power.

If you’re ready to finally stop carrying the shame that was never yours, stand up for your worth, and start trusting your own voice again, this episode is for you. You’re not alone — and you do have the power to rewrite your story.

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Transcript

Darla Ridilla (00:00)
Will I forgive my mother for throwing me into the wolves den? No. Why forgive my ex husband for doing the same? No. Will I forgive any of my abusers for what they did? No. But what I will do

I'm going to forgive myself for being in that situation for how I reacted for how I did or didn't speak up I am going to let go of the shame of the strong emotions that come with it I'm going to process them first we're not that doesn't mean brushing them under the rug either that means letting them hum up letting them be what they are

but I'm not going to let it drive my future feelings and my future behavior. I'm going to be mad. I'm going to be angry that my father felt he had the right to do those things.

Darla Ridilla (00:55)
Welcome to You Have the Power, the road to recovery from trauma and narcissistic abuse. I'm Darla Rodilla, a certified somatic trauma inform coach and relationship expert who's been where you are. I work with high achieving women who feel invisible in their relationships and are exhausted from attracting the same emotionally unavailable or toxic partners. This podcast is your invitation to stop settling, to stop shrinking, and to start rewriting your story. Each episode offers raw,

honest insights into trauma, nervous system healing, and what it really takes to break the cycle so you can finally feel seen, safe, and powerful in your own life. If you're ready to reclaim your worth and reinvent your relationships, you're in the right place. Let's get into today's topic.

Darla Ridilla (01:44)
Welcome to another episode of You Have the Power. In this part three of our series about reclaiming ourselves after sexual abuse, I would like to talk about how we heal and how we build trust within ourselves and others through this process. It's really not an easy process. sexual abuse is such a violation on so many levels and

as is often the case, it often occurs the abuse comes from people we already know or who are in our circles, whether that's a father figure, whether that's a family friend or someone we know or someone we've been dating.

I think I'm not negating sexual abuse from a stranger because that is extremely damaging. But I think when we experience abuse from someone who we know, or thought we trusted, it deepens that that injury inside of us. So how do we recover from that? It's not easy. And I think, with any type of abuse, it's not a destination, it's a journey.

this type of experience really erodes our self love, our understanding of who we are, maybe we never had it in the first place. And not our fault what happened. But how do we either start loving ourselves, start valuing ourselves, or we rebuild it?

You have the first betrayal, which we've talked about is the abuse itself. And then many of us have confided in others. What has happened to us, whether that's our mother, whether it's a friend, whether it's a school counselor, those are my experiences. And then that person can't hear what you're saying for whatever reason that has nothing to do with you, but they reject it. They deny it. They don't hear you. They call you a liar. They don't believe you.

And so that deepens that wound inside of us. We are seeking support. We are seeking validation from others because we are so desperate for help no matter where we are in our stage of healing. And we don't get it. So how do we heal ourselves? How do we both navigate the initial betrayal of the abuse and then the additional abuse from people?

who don't support us through it. Because being blamed, being told it's your fault, if you, cannot remember the name of the movie right now, but there's that old Jodie Foster movie from I think the 90s where she got raped in a bar and they tried to blame it on her because of the way she was dressed. I will be honest with you

I don't want to attract unwanted attention. I personally don't wear low cut shirts. I have been blessed in that area. But I want men to notice me for who I am and not my appearance. That means that if I choose to wear a low cut shirt and a short mini skirt, that doesn't give a man permission to devalue me and to violate me.

No matter what I say or do, it never gives somebody else permission to do something I don't want. I just don't want to deal with that kind of behavior. So I choose not to dress in that manner. I'm not saying that I don't dress with a little sexuality or, you know, to be attractive to a man. I'm just aware of where I'm going and what kind of attention I want to attract. But

When we have unresolved trauma, there's a subconscious loop that I have gone through and still sometimes shows up of why did I keep attracting that behavior? You if you heard my story in episode one of this series, I talked about how it started at age five and it went all the way till age 48, just eight years ago. Why did it happen? Why did it happen multiple times? And I fear more times than I can remember. And

I think it goes back to what Ada said in the most recent episode before this that it was my comfort zone. It was what I knew. I unfortunately had many incidences of it in my life. And so on a subconscious level, men came into my my zone.

And I, not that I'm to blame, I'm trying to think how to say this. I think on a subconscious level, I did attract it to myself.

that I hung around with people or got involved with men who would permit it. I'm referring to my last ex husband. I didn't marry a man who would protect me from everything, no matter what it was. And that's on me. That's a choice I made. It doesn't mean he's a bad person. He just was bad for me. He didn't understand that his role as my partner and husband.

was to protect me from everyone, including his father. And if I had had more self value within myself, I would have never married him to begin with. That's who I was at the time. That's who I chose. And unfortunately, that resulted in some really bad experiences with my father-in-law. And I can't go back. But I will say one thing about that experience. It hasn't happened since.

men have made derogatory comments. And I have chosen to not accept them anymore, to call that out in a moment and to call a thing a thing. If you're going to be disrespectful to me, there are consequences for that behavior. And since then, I have acted in the moment and said I will not accept that. Sometimes it's taken me like that, you know, just a few months ago, I pulled an acquaintance aside and said,

you're getting too familiar on the dance floor. And unfortunately, I didn't do it in a moment. Sometimes we, you know, fall back into our own patterns. But how do we love ourselves through that? You know, it's not a perfect trajectory. It's like any other healing. We'll fall back into our own patterns or we'll be uncomfortable in the moment. We don't want to create a scene. But that's exactly what we need to do, because we need to call them out for who they are. And if I had done that on the dance floor, maybe it wouldn't have happened to another person.

we have to realize what's normal behavior and what's not normal but familiar behavior. And so that's what I was just talking about, allowing men to get a little too forward with me. And they're not even dating me, they're just an acquaintance or a friend, or this is something too in the dating situation. Because sex is my comfort zone, unfortunately, even in the bad side of it. I think that might, you know, I'm having an aha moment as I talk, maybe that's why.

I have gotten sexually involved with men that I date too early because it is what my familiarity is. It is how I've equated attention validation and unfortunately unhealthy love. I don't want to call it healthy love because it certainly isn't. But it's where I have learned that my value I thought resided.

And as these experiences compounded and continued to happen, and I wasn't validated by people that I sought support from, that shame that internalized. When I thought about doing this series, when I met Ada and we had a, you know, a coffee chat before this, I realized I was going to have to tell my story. I realized this is the door that I have to walk through. And I'm going to be really honest with you.

wasn't easy. And maybe that's why I felt so much strong emotion in my first solo and so much anger. Because I have opened myself up for judgment. That's not mine to carry. I realized there's going to be people out there, whether it's a family member that's saying, don't say that about your dad, I don't want to hear that about my dad. Or they're going to say, how could you even talk

publicly about that. Why don't you keep that bitch behind closed doors? It's not appropriate. But that's the very reason all of this type of abuse perpetuates. Because as women, we don't speak out. As women, we don't say me too. That whole me too movement really was touching for me, because it really shined a light on something that, you know, there's there's the the patriarchal structure that needs to be broken down a little bit.

then men no longer have the right to treat women as objects.

If you see a woman as an object, what's going on with you that you can't see women as valuable? What happened in your past that's created that dysfunctional thinking? That's your work to do. That's not mine.

It's hard to know when to trust your body again.

You know our nervous system, it gives us signals.

When I think back specifically to let's just say dating situations, because this is more what I'm looking at in the future. I am not currently dating anyone, but I am open to starting to date men again, and looking for that lifelong partner for what's left of my own life. And I'm going to have to navigate this.

while this is not something I'm going to be sharing early in the dating process, if I go exclusive with someone and it looks like it might be a long term committed relationship, if they aren't actively listening to my podcast, they are going to need to know that this is a part of who I am. And how do I first of all share that without feeling the shame and guilt and and all of that crap that society puts on us?

And even more importantly, as I'm navigating and figuring out if they are a worthy partner, how do I change my own pattern that sex is not love, sex is not validation that this is a long term commitment. And to be honest, have sex later in the dating process and not giving into the moment of passion, which is hard. Let's be honest.

It just really is. But how do I honor myself and really find out if this person is worthy of my body or not? Because my past experiences have said that everyone is allowed to have access. That's really the truth. Well, it's not my truth, but it was my past experience that men have sent me the message that I have a right to your body, whether you say yes or no, or even without asking permission.

How do we rewrite that false narrative in my head that for a man to have access to my body, he has to earn it? And what are those parameters of how he earns it? And if he takes liberties that he hasn't been given permission to do, how do I shut that down? How do I hold a boundary? And how do I stay in my power?

And how do I build trust within myself to do that?

once again, investing in me, knowing what's right and wrong for me, what feels aligned is so important. And you know, being trained in semantics, I think the biggest indicator is my body sensations. Because in those relationships in the past, when I got sexually involved too early, and in a consenting situation, my body told me,

shouldn't be doing this. My mind said it, but my body said it louder. It was the underlying current underneath the desire and the passion that said this is too soon. If you do this now, how do you know if he really likes you? Or if he just wants to get satisfaction for the moment?

And I'd like to talk about how we heal from the abuse that has already occurred. It's going to be different for everyone. I definitely think we need some kind of outside support, whether that's a counselor or some type of

program, whether that's a licensed therapist or just a coach, it needs to be someone who's experienced it because of the damage that it does and the shame and the guilt that comes with it. But I think there's a lot of things we can do on our own. We can sit with our emotions, we can sit with our body sensations. For me, direct

direct confrontation works for others that might be way too scary. So I alluded to the last episode at the end of the last episode of, you know, writing a letter that you never send. This is a way of you facing your own emotions, facing probably the anger and the guilt and the shame and whatever emotion you're carrying that isn't yours that came from that other person that's a way of processing it.

And if it's too much to do that in a direct manner, to go ahead, write that letter and burn it. Fire is a very cleansing type of form of letting things go. I had a fire burning ceremony after a reiki session once where I burned pictures of my ex-husband and his family, because I didn't feel abused just by him. I felt abused by his parents as well. And so that was really cathartic for me. And of course,

safely burn it. Don't burn the house down, put it in a metal container in a fire pit or something, but write a letter and burn it. You don't even have to send it.

Darla Ridilla (15:19)
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and help you rewrite the pattern for good.

Darla Ridilla (16:02)
You know, I talked about my own confrontation, I could not confront my father-in-law face to face because he was a very nasty person. And I knew he wasn't going to receive my words. And he was going to make it worse.

what I heard he told my ex husband is that if I wasn't married to his son, that he would have come after me for slander. How can it be slander? It's the truth. That's someone who doesn't want to take accountability for their actions. And that's not someone I wanted to be in a face to face confrontation with and I wasn't capable of it. And I probably am not now because it really wouldn't have benefited me. We have to think about what is the best way for me to process my pain for me to face my emotions.

for me to move through it, for me to unload the backpack that they've tried to put on me that belongs to them, but also do it in a safe space. Because if direct confrontation or face to face confrontation is going to add to the abuse, don't do it. Or if it's putting you in more danger, don't do it. But we all can find a way. I have been receiving theta healing with a coach.

That has actually been really great because we go into a meditative state and then we work things out. And I am currently going through a forgiveness program with the same coach that's in addition to the mastermind. And I can't say enough how the timing has been perfect. I didn't time it this way on purpose, but I know the universe did I've processed a lot of my anger on other things, other abuse.

But this sexual abuse, there's a lot of landmines still under the surface, which I have to deal with. And I think it's really time that I do that. I'm ready. I've processed so many other things. I think I'm ready.

So what things can you do for yourself? really going to challenge you to think, you know, this is what works for me, but what works for you.

And at the end of the day, the one thing I want to say to you

is it wasn't your fault.

Well, you may have subconsciously attracted it, it doesn't mean that you deserved it, or that you gave permission for it to happen. Sometimes we subconsciously attract things into our lives that are negative, it doesn't mean we want it, or we're asking for it. It happens in spite of that.

And I know I'm repeating myself.

because I have to tell myself these things too and still am.

I didn't deserve it. I deserved a better father. I really did. I deserved a better mother. But for whatever reason in this lifetime, because I do believe in reincarnation, for whatever reason, there was a lesson to be learned from that experience. And I have to focus on the lesson and moving through it and healing more.

than the experience and carrying that shame with me the rest of my life. And on the topic of forgiveness.  Will I forgive my mother for throwing me into the wolves den? No. Why forgive my ex husband for doing the same? No. Will I forgive any of my abusers for what they did? No. But what I will do

I'm going to forgive myself for being in that situation for how I reacted for how I did or didn't speak up I am going to let go of the shame of the strong emotions that come with it I'm going to process them first we're not that doesn't mean brushing them under the rug either that means letting them hum up letting them be what they are

but I'm not going to let it drive my future feelings and my future behavior. I'm going to be mad. I'm going to be angry that my father felt he had the right to do those things.

that he didn't see that his job as my dad was to love me from a healthy way and to not do that.

I'll never ever let him off the hook when it comes to accountability. But I'm going to let myself off the hook for carrying all that.

Because if I don't forgive myself, if I don't give myself some grace, I will continue to carry that to keep it in that backpack of trauma. And I really don't want to. And, you know, there's a lot of things that I don't know how to navigate into letting this go. This has been, you know, in some spaces of my life, a big secret.

God forbid we should talk about it and make others uncomfortable.

But this is probably my next big work. So you're not alone. I'm processing this crap right with you. Maybe you're just beginning. Maybe you're on the road like I am. But this is probably the next peeling of the onion because it's a big one. And it's been kept under wraps with many situations of my life.

But you got this.

your purpose, whatever it is in this lifetime, or if you just believe in one lifetime, this time in your life.

is to move through it, is to flourish in spite of it. Maybe your journey is to help others, just like me, or maybe your journey is just to heal quietly.

and be a living example that maybe others see maybe they don't but you you reap the benefits. Maybe that's your purpose.

Either way, you have the power.

Darla Ridilla (21:44)
Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the road to recovery from trauma and narcissistic abuse. If you're a high achieving woman who's tired of feeling stuck, unseen or unfulfilled in your relationships, this podcast is your wake up call. The road to healing starts with reclaiming your power and you don't have to walk it alone. If this episode hit home, don't keep it to yourself. Subscribe, leave a review and share it with another woman who needs to hear this. You never know whose life you might change. Want to connect directly? Tap the link in the show notes.

and send me a message. I'd love to hear what landed for you. And remember, this show is for education and inspiration. I'm not a licensed therapist, so be sure to seek professional support when you need it. We're here for real transformation. Keep listening, keep rising, because you have the power.