52: From Recovery to Radical Truth: The New Era of You Have the Power

One year ago, I started this podcast to talk about trauma, narcissistic abuse, and the long road to recovery. But what I didn’t know was how much I would change along the way.

This episode marks a turning point — not just in the show’s title, but in my life, my relationships, and my truth. I’ve walked away from romantic partners, friends, and pieces of my past that no longer align. I’ve come home to Colorado, laid my soul dog to rest, and faced the grief of being too much for people who couldn’t hold my fire.

But I’m not shrinking anymore. And neither should you.

In this episode, I’m sharing why the podcast is evolving into You Have the Power: The Road to Truth, Freedom, and Real Connection — and why being too much was never the problem.

We’re still talking about trauma and healing, but we’re expanding into all the relationships that shape us — romantic, professional, familial, and most importantly, the one we have with ourselves.

If you’ve ever felt like your intensity, success, or emotional depth made people uncomfortable, this episode is for you.

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Transcript

Darla Ridilla (00:00)
So all my high achieving women, you're not too much.

You're just accepting too little. You are powerful.

You're a cycle breaker. You were meant to disrupt the pattern, whether you're an ego projector or you're something else.

And don't let anybody try to make you smaller.

You shine as brightly as you feel like. And anyone who can't stand that and wants to shield themselves from that, that's okay. Let them. You keep going. Because your light is gonna be a beacon to other women like you, just like I am gonna be a beacon to you. When we find each other, because we understand each other, and we see each other like nobody else can.

Darla Ridilla (00:39)
Welcome to You Have the Power, the road to truth, freedom and real connection. I'm Darla Radilla, a certified somatic trauma informed relationship coach for high achieving women who've been told they're too much. If you've built success on the outside, if you're unseen, resentful, or like you're constantly editing yourself just to keep the peace, you are in the right place. I help powerful women stop shrinking in relationships that demand self abandonment, whether that's a partner, a parent, a boss or a best friend.

Because here's the truth, you are not too much, you're just accepting too little. Each week, you'll hear radical insights, nervous system-based tools, and unfiltered conversations that break the patterns keeping brilliant women stuck, and show you how to reclaim your power, your voice, and your relationships on your terms. Let's get started with today's topic.

Darla Ridilla (01:35)
Hello, everyone. I wanted to welcome you to the podcast. Some of you may have noticed that there has been a change and you are not imagining things. Yes, this used to be you have the power, the road to recovery from trauma and narcissistic abuse. Still me, still Darla, you're stuck with me, but we're gonna change the focus a little bit. We're still gonna talk about trauma recovery, narcissistic abuse recovery,

But we're also going to focus a lot more on the relationships in our life, because as high achieving women, what I have come to realize is how we do one thing, we do everything. being small or making ourselves shrink doesn't just show up in a romantic relationships. I've come to the realization that it shows up in all of them.

There's this woman out there and I know her very well. You know why I know her so well? Because she's me. She's the one who's high achieving, who's been great at her career, who's good at her job, who's excelled, who's been successful. And men, first of all, have been intimidated by me their whole life. My success and wealth has actually attracted them and then repelled them because

They're so attracted like a butterfly to the light. But then they realize that they are weak, they are low effort, and they can't keep up with me. And it really is a pattern that I have seen in the dating scene specifically, that as women become more financially and emotionally independent, as we are able to support our own lifestyles, we have really invested into our professional development. We have upped our game.

But those men out there really haven't. And I'm not saying every single man on the planet, but a large majority. And as a middle-aged woman myself, I am really seeing an epidemic of men in grown physical bodies who are not living as an adult male. They are men who are not leaders. They are not protectors. They are not providers. They are not showing respect to their women.

They are not keeping up with us. We've upped their game and they have not. Some are going to come to the realization that as we continue to be more discerning, that their dating poll is going to shrink even more than ours is at this time. And there are others who will never change.

But here's the beauty of it. No matter what they do, we have this fantastic life. I'm single on purpose. And I read that book by John Kim two years ago, and it changed my life. And yeah, I would really love to have a partner. I would really love to have someone in my life to share my day-to-day life with, to have a committed relationship that leads to marriage.

But I also know that I am no longer going to tolerate bullshit. I am no longer going to tolerate low effort men, men who want to act like they're a child instead of a grown man. And if they are threatened by my success, they aren't the right person. I want someone who's going to grow with me, who is going to embrace my success and be excited by it and help me with it.

versus trying to stop me and to make me smaller to fit into what he wants me to be. And until I find that man, I am going to stay single and I'm going to embrace it even on the days which happen sometimes where I do feel lonely. But here's the difference. I can feel lonely, but I'm not going to act lonely anymore. But what I discovered through those realizations as well is that this is filtering into every area of my life.

The past few weeks, as I've been working with a coach that is based on human design, she really shed a light through the human design on who I am and why and why it's okay to embrace my true self. And I feel like I've been given permission to finally be who I am.

I've been freed from this prison that I've been in my whole life. But what happens in any type of major change or change at all is once again, there are some people in our lives sometimes that aren't coming with us for the change. And sometimes that's super painful. Back in 2013, I went through a major dark night of the soul.

where ⁓ that was when I was divorcing my narcissistic ex-husband and he started to stalk me and I actually had to leave Colorado at that time because I felt physically unsafe. I also unfortunately had to cut off everybody I knew at that time, whether they had done anything or not. That, you wanna talk about painful, is I had to like disappear like a ghost and never speak to these people again.

or not for a very long time with no explanation because he was doing something called flying monkeys where he was going around to other people. And first of all, he had a smear campaign of spreading lies about me, but he was also trying to get information about me. I did not feel physically or mentally safe to remain both in Colorado and to stay in contact with these people. There was so much guilt

involved in that because I had to cut off people that actually hadn't done nothing. They actually deserved to be in my life. But because there was a bigger picture at that time, I had to let them go. What's ironic here we are in 2025, 12 years later.

I feel that I'm going through another form of a dark night of the soul. It started late last year in November, then the fall.

And ever since November, I've had one loss after the other major change, major trials and tribulations.

hard realizations about myself and others. I've walked away from so many friendships and relationships and a romantic relationship as well.

and it's been gut wrenching.

for those of you who don't know the story, I broke up with someone in November that I was very much in love with and was very invested in and really honestly thought at that time that I had finally found the person I had worked so hard for all these years. And it didn't turn out that way. And so I had to leave that relationship and it was heartbreaking. I went into seclusion.

which up until a few months ago was not my normal mode of operation. Very extroverted, always out, always social, like constantly ran into people I knew everywhere I went, know, hardly ever at home. And I went into total seclusion for a couple of months

Because during that time, not only did I walk away from a romantic relationship, but I had to start walking away from friendships. And I had to walk away from my best friend. And that was such a painful realization. And what happened in that moment is a couple of things. So she was actually a mutual friend of my past boyfriend, which is how we met in the first place the year before.

And the day after I ran into him, I reached out and said, hey, I ran into him because I was gauging her opinion of him. Because at that time, I valued her opinion very highly. And to be clear, this is not a bad person. She's actually a wonderful person. But what I discovered after the breakup is that we were no longer on the same playing field. We were no longer in alignment.

I went out to dinner with her because I really needed to talk to someone about the breakup. I really just needed some support. I needed to vent. And during that process, as I shared what happened, I was completely shocked. Because she turned to me and she said, well, there's not that many choices here where we live. There's not a lot to choose from. Why don't you give them another chance?

And I was like, what? I instantly was like, no. I am not going to go back to something that I just told you doesn't work for me. And I was so shocked. And I realized at that time that if I can't go to her for advice, that I can't be friends with her anymore. It's not that she did anything wrong, per se. But I realized that I outgrew her.

That was terribly painful, and I carried a lot of guilt with that, and I had to work through that. And then, of course, that was back in Arizona. And then I decided to move to Colorado, which was a huge power move, but it also has taken a lot out of me. So you go backwards to 2014 when I left Denver because I was feeling unsafe. Well, that dynamic hasn't changed.

There's still an X out there that had stalked me at one time. That X still exists. But then I realized that in 11 years, I had moved to three states and I was running. And I couldn't run anymore. That no matter what he does or doesn't do, I have to come home. Because I'm trying to find that peace that I had in Colorado that I never wanted to leave in the first place.

And there's something about the people, the land, I don't know what it is with me. But I felt at home from the very first day I arrived in Boulder in 2006. I moved there sight unseen. I had never been to Colorado in my life. It was a process of elimination with my ex husband and we came to a consensus that Boulder, Colorado was where we were going. And

The day, the morning after we arrived, I felt so at home. I can't explain it. And that feeling never left me in the eight years I stayed. So I came back in March. Huge power move. And that, I also think, started a trajectory for me. I was already on this rapid healing path. And now I've moved back to Colorado. I've come back to the very place that I was terrified to stay.

but I came back a different person. I didn't come back terrified. I didn't come back afraid. I came back like, fuck you. I'm going to live wherever I want. Well, I chose a different area. I'm in Durango, and I love Durango way better than Denver. It's quieter, smaller, beautiful.

That mentally was a lot. And then, as many of you know, nine days after I arrived here, my soul dog, Goliath, died. It was very, very sudden. It's a whole story. There is an episode about that. You can go back into previous episodes and listen to it. I recorded it like two days after he died. I don't even know how I had the ability to even do that.

because it still has shook me pretty badly. Here I am in a new town. There was only one person I knew, but only just casually.

And not only do I have to go to the vet with my dog by myself and put him down, I have to be with him alone while he dies. I have to grieve him alone too.

So that isolation that started continued here in Colorado because I just didn't have the bandwidth. While I was going out and doing karaoke and stuff like that, not nearly as frequently. still, here we are months later, I still don't go out nearly as frequently as I used to.

And it's really hard when you go through major, major change and loss and you don't have a support system. Because I know the world has gotten bigger and Zoom actually has made our world a little smaller. And I love getting the daily videos from my daughter of my grandson, even though I haven't met him yet because he's on the East Coast and I haven't been back yet.

I don't feel like I'm missing out as much on his growth. There's nothing that replaces physical contact and someone holding you not just the superficial hugs you do in bars like hey, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that holding space kind of hug. When you saw in their shoulder while they hold you.

And I had none of that.

And then on top of that, three weeks later, I had to go back to Arizona to get all my furniture and drive a large moving van with my car in tow 400 miles by myself while I'm still reeking in grief. But I brought a little container of Goliath's ashes with me, two containers actually. One I spread at his favorite state park near our old home and the other.

was in the moving van with me to protect me and still is in my car in this center console. He goes everywhere with me. But that loneliness has continued because I am changing rapidly.

Darla Ridilla (16:43)
If you have ever been told you're too much, too intense, too emotional, too honest, too successful, let me be clear, you're not too much. You've just been surrounded by people who can't hold your full expression.

That ends here. The free relationship clarity session is for the women who are done shrinking themselves to stay connected. If your relationships are making you second guess your voice, your needs, or your instincts, it's time to stop performing and start leading. This 30 minute one-on-one call is where we get brutally honest about what's actually driving the disconnect in your life, whether it's a partner, a parent, a friend, or your team.

You'll walk away with the real reason you keep attracting people who can't meet you where you are. What too much has cost you in connection and how to reclaim your space. Tangible next steps to stop shrinking and start choosing aligned relationships. This isn't about fixing you, it's about freeing you. Click the link in the show notes to book your relationship clarity session. It's time to lead from truth, not tolerance. And that starts now.

Darla Ridilla (17:59)
So if we go back to the human design that I started working on, I found out I'm what they call an ego projector. Basically, this is kind of a rare type of profile.

And my alignment where I'm most at home and what I've been brought on this earth to do is be a disrupter. To be the one that says what everyone's thinking but no one will say it.

to be the one that's very high energy, very intense, very in your face, the one that always, know, the one in a room that makes everyone uncomfortable. That's me and my entire life. I've been told you're too much, you're too this, you're too that.

and

People like my parents made it really clear that if you continue, you will be ostracized and you will not be loved and you will be punished. And while I was very rebellious and outspoken as a child, I also shrunk a lot. And whenever I did try to blossom, like with my singing in church, my mom would always try to tamp it down and try to get my sister to sing with me. Well, I didn't want to share the spotlight with her.

It wasn't because I was too big for my britches, as she used to always say. It was because that was my shine, my moment, and it didn't belong to her. And I didn't want it to belong to her. And I had a right to take up that much space, not just in that instance, but in many instances. And so it was a pattern that kept happening. Men said I was too much. Friends would get pissed off. I was always getting in trouble at work.

even though was really, really good at my job, I was always getting in trouble because I'll say what I think. Not so much as much in DC when I, you know, I'm actually from the DC area originally and had a long career there and lived there for 35 years. But as an executive assistant, I mean, East coasters were kind of blunt and we just say what's on our mind. ⁓ People in the West Coast, they don't know what to do with me sometimes. And, you know, I'm still very blunt.

I still say what I think. And I'm not talking about being rude. I'm not talking about the bull in the china shop. What I'm talking about is being true to myself. Yes, I'm demonstrative. Yes, I'm big. Yes, I get loud. That's who I am.

But people, whether it was at a job, friends, family, anywhere, relationships, they would always be like, you need to be quiet. You need to tone it down. You can't be like that. You're too big. You're taking up too much space.

I'm uncomfortable.

And I hit the wall recently and realized, no, I'm actually, I'm just right, just the way I am.

In fact, there are, I know, are other women like me out there who feel the same way. We've made ourselves small to fit in, but when we're made to fit in, we weren't made to be quiet and compliant and tip toe around everybody else's discomfort. We weren't made to shock people. We were made to disrupt people because we have so much power and brilliance behind us.

And even in our worst moments, when we aren't even in our best self, we are still being true to ourselves. And we want people who can hold space for that even in their discomfort. And we deserve to have men in our life, family, friends who can do that for us. That means our pool of people are smaller, whether that's romantic, friendship or family.

There are very few people left in my life because I've walked away from so many.

I can no longer self-abandon.

to make others happy. While I sit in an internal silent prison, screaming inside, wanting to be seen, wanting to be heard, wanting to be accepted. And what I realized is that

acceptance is accepting all of me. Every little part was that that song by John Legend, All of Me, All Your Curves and All Your Edges, All Your, what is it something that imperfections that the right people for me are going to see that.

And it was no wonder that this past month something was going on with me. I thought it was something else.

and I felt like I was under a pressure cooker and I was going to blow. And I realized that there were still things in my life that were out of alignment.

that I've been in hypervigilance my whole life, that fight or flight constant, because I had a father who was bipolar and I was always on egg shells, that that buzzing of hypervigilance was so loud, even though I have gotten a lot better at listening to my body through somatics, I hadn't learned how to listen to the whispers yet.

And moving forward, I'm going to listen to the whispers.

and I'm going to address them, give them space, give them time to see what lands.

Unfortunately, it means there's probably more people that are going to go out of my life. And that's really hard. I've described it as the suck zone. I'm in the in-between, but this week something cracked open in me and that future self that I've been trying to obtain and come back to who I was originally that's been tamped down showed up. The hard work that I've been putting in for that showed up.

And I realized it's okay to be me. It's okay not to be liked. It's okay that I'm not for everybody. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean that I still feel that, that pain of loneliness. And I know I'm making space for something new and bigger.

I feel it really heavy, but there's also a calm.

Today there's a lightness.

because I'm releasing things that don't align with me. And what I discovered is those things were what was causing the heaviness, the sleepless nights, the physical symptoms in my body, the tension, the anger, the rage. So the very thing I thought was good for me and wasn't.

And with that realization came the realization that it's not just about romantic relationships. This podcast is not just about trauma and narcissistic abuse. It's about relationships, all relationships. And I realized as a relationship coach,

that it's also about all the relationships. It's also about family. That who we are and how we show up affects all of them. And I'm doing my clients a disservice by only focusing on the dating. I also want to embrace those women who aren't in romantic relationship. If you are, awesome, especially if it's working. But maybe you still need some help in some other areas of your life, your job, your family, your friends.

But to those women who are like me, like where have all the good men gone and we're waiting still? We can still embrace our singleness and be powerful.

Men aren't the main meal, they're the dessert. You don't have to have dessert. It's nice. It's nice to have chocolate cake. But do you have to have it? No. And I'll tell you that the last two relationships that I ended, I had already started building this amazing life outside of those men. And it was such a comfort, finally in my mid 50s to have an amazing life to go back to. They weren't my everything.

I may have had my heart broken, particularly with the last one, but he wasn't my everything. I had a great life without him before he even showed up.

And so choosing to be single on purpose isn't because no one wants me. It's because I haven't found the person that I want.

I hope that my fate is not. I don't want to be single the rest of my life. I'll be honest. I'd be lying if I just did that whole Pollyanna crap. I'd love to have someone, but I also have to surrender to that and accept that I don't know when or if he will show up. But I'm not going to base my life pining away and not building something incredible on my own.

right man is going to find that so damn sexy like this woman has her shit together. Finally, I'm he's tired of the drama fest too. He's tired of the ghosting the bread crumbing and the friends that I will eventually build with. They're going to be like look at that bad ass bitch. I want to be like her when I grow up and we can inspire each other.

Family members.

Either you are or you aren't coming on the train and most of them aren't. You got to just bless them and let them be who they are because you can't change that. The let them theory, which I talk about constantly, let them be who they are. Let them believe what they want. Let them say what they want. But let me choose to remove myself from any situation that's not of my highest good.

So all that is to say, as I've been rebranding, as I've been kind of shifting focuses a couple of times over the past couple of months, I realized the main theme.

has been you're not too much. You're just accepting too little. I'm choosing to be single on purpose.

So to all those other high achieving women that are misunderstood and mislabeled, we've got some great things coming. We are still going to keep on some of these same paths and storylines. And I still think that there's a lot of topics I've covered in the past that are still very valuable. But I'm going to expand a little bit because I really want to appeal to that woman who's been told she's too much.

who's so high achieving in her career and for whatever reason, shrinking in other areas. Maybe she's shrinking her career because Lord knows it's a male dominated world out in corporate as well.

Darla Ridilla (30:26)
So that being said, there are two things that I want to celebrate today. First, August is the one year anniversary of You Have the Power.

So it was one year ago that this crazy journey began. It was a lot of unknowns because I had never podcast before in my life. I didn't know anything about editing software. So I went from just doing audios by myself to expanding out at the first of the year with video on YouTube and inviting guests to join me as well. And it's been a great journey. I found a lot of healing in this process. Just talking about my own stories has been healing. And also,

A lot of the guests came up with topics or discussions ensued that also brought healing during that discussion as well. And my hope is that those discussions were healing for you. So one year, thank you to all of you, whether you just joined today, you've been following me for the whole year, or you jumped in somewhere in between. I'm really excited that you have stayed with me and that you're going to continue on this journey with me. So this leads to the second celebration.

I want to officially announce the new name and kick off this amazing new direction that we're going on.

the new name of this podcast is, You Have the Power, The Road to Truth, Freedom, and Real Connection.

I decided to keep the same artwork and The reason I did that was that image really stood out to me when I was originally creating the artwork for this podcast. And that was back in a day when moving to Colorado was just an idea. And that picture of that road actually reminded me of Colorado. And what's ironic about that image is if you have ever driven on those res roads that connect Arizona to Colorado,

and you're south of Cortez, it looks a lot like that. And I wouldn't be surprised if actually that is where that photograph was taken. If not, it certainly resembles it. that was even before I knew I was coming. This is even before I had decided that I wanted to come back, that I was willing to come back. So I think in a way I manifested that with that photo. So I'm feeling a little attached to that image.

And I still love the whole concept of the road because as I was trying to think of names for the original podcast, I found that picture because I had a different name and I loved the picture so much. I decided to create a title around the picture to tie it in. So that's why I stuck with the road to I hope that the new direction is going to excite you even more.

inspire you even more and crave for more. Thank you so much for staying with me during the hard times, the good times and the times to come. You have.

Darla Ridilla (33:33)
listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth, Freedom, and Real Connection. If you're a high achieving woman who looks like she's got it all together, but behind closed doors, you feel dismissed, depleted, or stuck in cycles that no longer serve you, know this,

You're not too much, you're just done accepting too little. Every episode is your space to unpack the real reasons powerful women stay stuck and how to create relationships that feel safe, honest, and fully aligned without sacrificing your fire. If today's episode hit home, share it, subscribe, leave a review, or send it to another woman who's ready to stop performing and start leading. Wanna go deeper?

Check the show notes for links to connect with me or take the next step in your journey. I'd love to hear what resonated for you. Keep tuning in because you have the power to stop shrinking, speak your truth and rebuild your relationships from radical self-trust. And I'm right here walking this road with you.