55: Finding Myself First: Single on Purpose and the Power of Wholeness

This solo episode of You Have the Power builds on my conversation with Katherine Kimball about raising standards in dating — and takes the next step: realizing that the most important relationship I can ever commit to is the one I have with myself.

After a recent breakthrough with my coach, I’ve come to see that my healing isn’t just about avoiding the wrong men. It’s about embracing being single on purpose, not from lack, but from power. I share how music, open mics, and learning to say no have become mirrors for my recovery, and how investing in myself is shifting everything — from my friendships to my sense of freedom.

If you’ve ever felt the sting of loneliness, second-guessed your boundaries, or wondered if being single means something is wrong with you, this episode is for you. It’s about choosing yourself first, listening to your body’s quiet “yes,” and discovering that wholeness isn’t found in someone else — it starts inside.

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Transcript

Darla Ridilla (00:00)
I'm investing in me. I'm single on purpose. Not because there's something wrong with me. Not because no one wants me. It's because I am building this life by choice on my own.

And if I happen to find someone else later to share it with fine, but it's not because there's something wrong with me or it's a negative thing that the lack of investment in myself is what's creating the intense loneliness. And when I get more comfortable in my own skin once again, and just totally embrace this lifestyle, which I feel like is starting to happen.

the people that I've been seeking will show up because I'm vibrating at a different frequency.

Darla Ridilla (00:41)
Welcome to You Have the Power, the road to truth, freedom and real connection. I'm Darla Radilla, a certified somatic trauma informed relationship coach for high achieving women who've been told they're too much. If you've built success on the outside, if you're unseen, resentful, or like you're constantly editing yourself just to keep the peace, you are in the right place. I help powerful women stop shrinking in relationships that demand self abandonment, whether that's a partner, a parent, a boss or a best friend.

Because here's the truth, you are not too much, you're just accepting too little. Each week, you'll hear radical insights, nervous system-based tools, and unfiltered conversations that break the patterns keeping brilliant women stuck, and show you how to reclaim your power, your voice, and your relationships on your terms. Let's get started with today's topic.

Darla Ridilla (01:37)
Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of You Have the Power. as my healing journey has continued from my own history of trauma and narcissistic abuse recovery, that has also brought about changes in my business and also this podcast.

I am so excited that we are doing this series when I picked the name which is called Radical Relationship Recovery Rebuilding from the Inside Out. I had no idea how much that was going to resonate with today's solo episode. I can't wait to dive into this topic because I just had a meeting with my coach this morning and had some really big realizations on my own journey that I wanted to share with you.

that tie in perfectly with the series. So in the first episode, Katherine Kimball and I shared about my own journey of going from lack and giving access to men who hadn't earned it and my own healing of learning to set standards and boundaries and being single for a while because I'm not finding men that are meeting those standards and boundaries and not having that lack mentality.

and being okay with being single on purpose. And then our next episode with Liz Beachy, she's going to be sharing about healthy relationships and a little bit different perspective. Both of these have a commonality and that they focus on relationships with other people. And, you know, for me, for a while, it's been focusing on dating the right type of person, not dating the wrong man. And I've known all along.

which is part of why I have Self Worth Mentor in my logo, is that the relationship with myself is the most important. And I really came to that realization. It started two years ago on my trip to Array, Colorado for the Thanksgiving holiday. And I listened to the book, Single On Purpose by John Kim. And it really inspired me to get to know who I was because I couldn't love a person I didn't know.

And I had no clue who I was. And I'm actually in the process of rereading the Untethered Soul because the first time I read it, it really didn't make sense to me. was many years ago when I was still married to my last husband. And I don't think I was ready to receive it, but I've already kind of dived into a couple of chapters and it's already resonating so strongly with getting really deep under the surface about who I am, not who society says who I am, not who I think I am, but who am I? And that's such an important thing because

One of the things that I came to realize just last night is that in my avoiding bars, because I didn't want to meet the wrong kinds of people, whether that was female friendships, or ⁓ mostly male relationships, I was avoiding those places. Even though there are things about them that I like, I love live music, I love doing karaoke, but I realized that for

For about nine months to a year, I haven't been regularly performing with live bands. It started when I started dating my last boyfriend almost a year ago because I was with him a lot more. And then after the breakup, I just totally became reclusive and did it again when I moved here to Durango. And last night, I just really wanted to go out and start exploring being in a band again like I was in Arizona. It's been a huge void.

I grew up in a family of musicians and so music is really the biggest part of my life. And it was brought to my attention this morning that I haven't really talked a lot about that. It's my happy place. When I get up on stage, I can't explain it to you, but the zone that I go in, it's like I could just be there forever and never want to get off. And it was interesting last night because

First, I went with a group of ⁓ people in town. It was a social group that I found on Facebook, and it was my first time meeting them for drinks and dinner. And I've had a lot of trouble finding people that I resonate with. And last night, the group was really different, and I heard conversations among different people about personal development. And we did this really fun game at the end where we... ⁓

picked a card with a question like, what is it you want to accomplish this year? it was really personal development focused. And I thought it was really cool that people were willing to share things like this with strangers. It's like, I like this group. I'm definitely coming back. But right after that, I decided to go down the street to the open mic. It was one I had heard about and not checked out.

I was looking for a certain caliber of musicians because in Arizona we were very blessed with amazing musicians that were super talented. And I really love to be with people who are better than me because it helps me to aspire to be better. And I came in and I wasn't so sure at first, there's a of younger folks. They were so amazing. I went up to the guy and I'm like, hey, I'm a vocalist.

I don't play the guitar while I sing. I always like to offer a free drink in exchange for someone backing me up. Is that done here? Or do you have a house band? Because some open mics, they have a house band that will play for you. And he's like, this is a really accepting community. If you just get up on a mic when it's your turn and ask someone, someone will raise their hand. They'll show up. So I had never done it that way before. I had gone.

individually and offered a free cocktail in exchange for that. And so I got up in a mic and I said to him, okay, if no one volunteers, the worst thing that can happen tonight is I'll at least get to stick around and see how the other musicians play. And I got up and a man came up and he backed me up. We found a couple of songs that we knew together. I love performing with musicians I've never met before. I used to do it and get paid back in Virginia. There's a lot of fun and ⁓ had a great time.

So I decided to go down the street and do some karaoke and I sang one song and it wasn't the same. Like it was fun, but there's some kind of energy about being with a live band that's way better, way better. So the list was kind of long. I sang one song and I decided, you know what? I'm gonna go back. One of the guys had mentioned that.

Sometimes at the end of the night, there's this group that gets together and they're phenomenal. These open mics were more what I was used to in Arizona where a bunch of musicians just get together and start collaborating versus the, it's one, you you get your 15 minutes and everybody has a turn and no one repeats in any form in any other group.

So I went back and I was just going back to Observe just to hang out. And near the end of the night, there was a lot of open space. so one of the groups started inviting people up. They pointed to me and they're like, hey, Dan, seeing earlier. Why don't you just come out? We're just going to do some kind of blues jam. He's like, just do some oohs and ahs. Do something. I'm like, oh, OK, just make it up. And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, whoa. I'm thinking, first of all, OK, I'm really excited to be here.

I have never done this before in my life ever. I've always had words. And I thought, okay, I'm a podcaster right now. This is not scripted. I might have some bullet points or some ideas about what I want to say, but I have no idea what I'm going to say until I turn the mic on. This is not any different. And a lot of people were getting up like, Hey, I'm learning this new song. Don't clap until you hear it. So it was a really open community of, it's not about perfection. It's just about being a musician and

trying new things out and entertaining people. So I'm like, okay, sure, let's do it. Let's try it. And it was a little uncomfortable, but there were a couple of moments. What I visualized in my head, if you've heard that Pink Floyd song, I think it's Big Gig in the Sky, where that woman just...

Spelt it out. Like there's nothing no words no lyrics and it's like every time I'm just I'm tingling now every time I hear it No matter how many times I've heard it. It gives me goosebumps and I thought okay I'm gonna try to be a little bit like her like kind of follow that pattern And even though it was a little worried but like oh, I hope I did it right or I hope it was good at the same time there was this freedom of just doing what I wanted

kind of belting it out a couple of times, making it soft, just really kind of getting comfortable with the mic and watching the other musicians and not knowing what was coming. There was a level of excitement and.

I thought it was nervousness, but my hands were shaking in between my performances. And what my coach pointed out is that it was the excitement. It was my nervous system showing the excitement.

And the thing that she pointed out to me was,

You going to these bars is not to find a man, it's to find yourself.

and that landed pretty strong this morning. It goes into this whole series about radical relationship recovery inside out. We had to that relationship with ourselves first in order to have that healthy relationship with others. I'm investing in me. I'm single on purpose. Not because there's something wrong with me. Not because no one wants me. It's because I am building this life by choice on my own.

And if I happen to find someone else later to share it with fine, but it's not because there's something wrong with me or it's a negative thing that the lack of investment investment in myself is what's creating the intense loneliness. And when I get more comfortable in my own skin once again, and just totally embrace this lifestyle, which I feel like is starting to happen.

the people that I've been seeking will show up because I'm vibrating at a different frequency.

Yeah, I'd love to have someone in my life right now, but it was interesting. had lunch with a friend on Monday and there's a certain house that I have my eye on here in Durango. And if not that something better, but what I did is I found it on Zillow and I found internal and external pictures of what it looked like, as well as another house that I found online that exterior really was exactly what I want. And I said to her, I said, it's interesting, but every time I think about buying that house,

My vision of that is in the next year or two, there's no man in that vision. It's just me. And there isn't a shred of, how sad. I bought a house by myself in Washington state in 2020, and it was so empowering to me, even though it was just a small two bedroom, and I absolutely loved it. It was felt so good to be able to do that.

by myself and I had a lot of obstacles to overcome during that time financially and I was just divorcing my last husband and I had a really great team and loan officer that went to bat for me. But it's the same thing that when I think about buying that house the vision of living in it it's just me and my dog and I'll get a second dog so dogs but if a man happens to be

they're with me later, that's fine, but I really don't see that in when I'm looking at it on my bucket list. And I think the more comfortable I get with that single on purpose, not from lack, but from power, that my single status is going to be more enjoyable. I am going to start attracting the right kind of friendships that I'm looking for.

and it's going to shift everything for me.

It's really about coming from a place of wholeness. It's very interesting that ⁓

You know how things peel off in layers and we are all on our healing journey. We're all in different places. So that's why as a coach, I still see a coach off and on because I still need guidance. You know, as I heal something else comes up and these past two to three weeks have been pretty intense for me. I had a breakthrough about three weeks ago, but it's the very first time I had a breakthrough that didn't feel real good. I said to her this morning, this is the first one that feels like shit.

Darla Ridilla (14:57)
If you've ever been told you're too much, too emotional, too intense, too opinionated, or if you've chosen to be single on purpose, because you're done settling, this is for you.

yourself. You're not broken. What you need is clarity. Clarity about the patterns that keep pulling you back into the same cycles, the standards you're raising, and about how to finally build relationships without shrinking, silencing, or settling. That's exactly what we'll uncover together in a free relationship clarity call. And this is your space to get radically honest and reconnect with yourself. So every other relationship in your life shifts.

from that place of wholeness.

Darla Ridilla (15:38)
Like I, if you saw some of my social media posts, I had a major amount of grief come up for the dog that died ⁓ five months ago. And that was part of the healing process. So I, for three days, I pretty much, with the exception of one afternoon, I sat at home. I cried most of the day, the first day, and I slept in. I didn't do any work. I stayed off the computer.

and I just let whatever emotion or feeling come up. And part of that healing process and that breakthrough is really peeling back the layers. It was more than just my dog. It was all of the loss I've experienced while I am moving towards something better. I'm clearing space and I'm very aware of that. The suck zone I'm in right now, it's not fun and it's really not pretty. But healing is messy. But what I'm learning

is that messy doesn't necessarily mean it's not actually going in the right direction. I have no idea how long I'm gonna be in this space until the sunshine comes out again. But she reminded me that nothing's permanent. It feels permanent. It feels like I'm never gonna get to the other side of this. But she keeps reminding me that that's not how it is. As high achieving women, I think we always want things to go our way. We wanna put a timeline on it.

You know, being in the corporate world, time is money. And I'm so used to equating success with something I can benchmark that includes time, that includes income, that includes the number of clients, how much I produce that day, how many things I checked off my to-do list.

what's way more important, whether it's my business life or my personal life, is that I'm in alignment with what I'm doing. And anything that's out of alignment is gonna hold me back. Or.

not feel good. I'm learning to listen to my body more. I've mentioned this before that being in fight or flight, most of my life. And the past couple years getting trained in somatics, I'm much more aware of my body sensations. But what she's teaching me also is to be aware of the smaller sensations. It's not always the full body. Yes, the full body. Yes, that I had on stage last night was undeniable.

It was that look of if you have a dog and you let them off leash and they start running in the dog park and that look of utter joy. That's what I feel on the stage. Anything that's bothering me goes away. Actually, I had that same feeling when I was on a motorcycle and I will be buying another one and riding again. But for right now, music is the focus.

But a lot of the discomfort is as I figure out who I am even more than I did two years ago, I have to shed the identity of who I thought it was. And even certain crazy things like my sleeping habits are tied to trauma responses from my past. And I had an eye opening discussion about that this morning too. And

I feel like over the past year, nine months, everything is being stripped away from me. And as more gets stripped, more gets stripped, more gets stripped, we're getting down to the bare bones of who is Darla? Who does she want to be? Who is she in this world?

And that it's so valuable because our radical truths and our radical relationships center on us.

What's right for me may not be right for somebody else or vice versa.

You know, sometimes you can come across people who, let's say, in the dating world, for instance, perfectly, quote unquote, nice man, but he's not who you want. He doesn't have the qualities and the standards that you want in your relationship. And it's not personal, it's nothing against them, but part of having that healthy relationship with myself.

and honoring my standards and boundaries is say no to that. Sometimes that hurts people's feelings. Sometimes that upsets them.

And what I'm learning personally and professionally is those people who are not okay with my boundaries and my standards are not for me. And their reaction, particularly if it's negative, whether it's good or it's bad, but a lot of times when it's negative, it has nothing to do with me. That's their stuff. And what I've also learned is that I'm carrying a lot of baggage that doesn't belong to me. You know, I'm empathic.

And also I'm an ego projector in the human design world and my gates and my head are wide open, which means I feel other people's energy and unknowingly take it on. And so what I'm learning is not to take on their energy. If they get mad, it's something I say, that's on them.

My dog gets mad because I set a boundary or rule? What's on her? You can't walk off leash right now because you could get hit by a car if you run out in the street and you can get as pissed as you want, but the leash stays on and you don't have to like me. And you know what people, you may even choose not to respect me, but you know what? That leaves me the opportunity to decide if I also want to continue interacting with you. That is such an act of self-love.

self-validation.self-relationship.

is what really that is going to enrich you. So this isn't just about dating.

I thought it was, you know, and it is, I mean, it's interconnected, that self relationship that's healthy, leads to this, the healthy relationship with others, particularly in dating, but that's no longer the goal.

The goal is to have a healthy relationship with myself, to be single on purpose, whether I am in a relationship or not. Now until the end of time.

learning to accept that my destiny may or may not involve a partner, but also be willing

to have one in my life as well, but surrendering to I don't know what the future holds for me, but what I do know and what I do have control of.

is how I value myself.

And so if we go back to the codependency piece.

I'm a pretty strong woman and I'm pretty clear on a lot of things.

And I was extremely codependent 20 years ago. That's why I was in a relationship and a marriage with a narcissist.

I started working on another certification with Caroline Strossen that I purchased and it has to do with narcissistic abuse specialists. And part of that, that certification is a course on codependency and Caroline Strossen is so incredibly smart. Her certifications aren't just about being a better coach. She designs them. So you're actually healed during a process.

She talks to you in the course as if you're her client almost and there's self-reflection in the work that you do in the course. And I realized very early in as I started it this week, she started describing things that are still going on in my life that I have come a long way when it comes to co-dependency.

But like anything else in healing, what I realized is there isn't a destination where I'm done. I'm just dealing with a different layer of it. And while on one hand, I got really frustrated, like, God, I thought I was done with this. On the other hand, if I look at it from a different perspective, I'm being given the opportunity to become even better.

that I wouldn't have seen this layer if I hadn't reached the previous layers. That just like narcissistic abuse is something that I will never be 100 % recovered from, there will always be something else to dig into and how it connects to my childhood trauma as well. I realized the codependency is wrapped right in there. You know, as high achieving women, we're often independent and strong-willed. We don't want to say I'm codependent.

It feels weak, doesn't it?

Like for less than.

But there's reason those traits are there. And if I don't get honest with myself and deal with them, they will remain. And they will create havoc in my life, whether it's subconsciously or consciously, whether I'm aware of it or not.

And just.

being open to accepting that and maybe letting go of lot of paradigms or thoughts or narratives that I had about myself of

who I used to be, the persona of who I used to be and who I'm becoming, being in that middle ground of trying to figure out where the foundation is of who I really am.

is humbly. I mean, it's journey I started in 2013. You know, I had another like I said, I had another ⁓ really big breakthrough two years ago. And I feel like as I just kind of went through another dark night of the soul of my whole life is falling apart and I don't have anything to grab on to anymore. What do I do with that? I feel like I'm in another major transition.

What I'm also finding is the transitions are coming faster and faster. It doesn't take as long for the next one. The breakthroughs seem to be coming through quicker.

And I think it's kind of like when you have muscle memory, when you learn a sport.

that you ⁓ or like with shooting a gun, ⁓ the more you practice, the more you have muscle memory. And if someone breaks in your house, you can that point and shoot capability comes from that. It's a lot easier to do that because your muscles just remember how to do it and your subconscious takes over. And I think it's the same way in our healing that

Because we have muscle memory from past breakthroughs, think even though this one is sticking around a little bit longer than the others have, but it's a bigger one. I also have, whether it goes quick or not, I also have the reassurance that I know that it's bringing me something better because when I was really uncomfortable before, particularly like 2013 was the biggest one I ever went through.

And that was the most painful for sure.

So many people came into my life after I walked away from the people that didn't serve me anymore.

that it got me through my darkest hour. And if I hadn't let those people go, I probably wouldn't be on this earth today. Because those people weren't capable of holding me in that space of preventing suicide. They were too busy in their own stuff to even notice if I had shown any sign of it. But the people that I aligned with during that time in my life were there for their purpose.

They've since moved on, I've moved on because I outgrew them. And this is another thing that I'm finding, I'm outgrowing people. And some of that has been unexpected and painful, but I've had to accept it. Those people came into my life for a reason. They showed me what I needed to learn. And once I learned it, it was time for them to go.

All that being said...

Yes, focus on showing up healthy for other people. Nothing wrong with wanting to have a partner in your life, to have a man in your life and have that healthy relationship and share your life with him. But whether you're married, divorced, single on purpose, or maybe it's a family member, maybe it's a boss that you're having trouble with, focus on being the best you you can be. But more importantly, knowing who that is.

investing in yourself, finding what really is your happy place.

where your frequency of full body yes comes in and do more of that.

and start listening to when your body says this is a no.

This doesn't feel good. I just had something yesterday that felt really icky and I wasn't sure if like, I can't explain it, but I'm just not feeling good about what is happening in this conversation. And I decided to remove myself from it. And what resulted after that, the reaction I got after that validated everything I was feeling. And even just six months ago, I wouldn't have felt that icky feeling. I would have told myself, I would have second guessed myself inside. You're being too picky.

You're seeing something that's not there. You're being bitchy. You're not being a good girl. You're not being nice. Having boundaries and standards sometimes isn't about being nice. It's not about being nice to others. It's about being whole and complete to yourself.

The reaction will tell you everything you needed to know, but it also has nothing to do with you.

Sit down, have quiet moments.

and really get to the bottom of who you are, not what you do, not what society says you are. Because if you're a high achieving woman, you are already not what society says. And you've been told you're too much. You're too emotional. You want too much, but that's not true.

You've just been accepting too little. You've been shape shifting for other people. Putting your music aside, which I did in my last relationship.

because it was inconvenient for him giving up what I loved for other people or giving it up in these past few months, not realizing that that was the very foundation that I've been looking for and where it goes from there. I don't know.

but following the breadcrumb.

You have the power.

Even on days when you don't feel like you do, you've got it. I'm telling myself that. Today's not such a bad day, but a couple of days ago, I had to tell myself.

But you've got it. You have the power. You're a powerful woman. And if that intimidates others, that's okay. They're not for you.

Darla Ridilla (32:59)
listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth, Freedom, and Real Connection. If you're a high achieving woman who looks like she's got it all together, but behind closed doors, you feel dismissed, depleted, or stuck in cycles that no longer serve you, know this,

You're not too much, you're just done accepting too little. Every episode is your space to unpack the real reasons powerful women stay stuck and how to create relationships that feel safe, honest, and fully aligned without sacrificing your fire. If today's episode hit home, share it, subscribe, leave a review, or send it to another woman who's ready to stop performing and start leading. Wanna go deeper?

Check the show notes for links to connect with me or take the next step in your journey. I'd love to hear what resonated for you. Keep tuning in because you have the power to stop shrinking, speak your truth and rebuild your relationships from radical self-trust. And I'm right here walking this road with you.