58: From Fear to Freedom: The Power of Speaking Your Truth

In this raw and unfiltered solo episode—part two of the series Radical Truth in Relationships: From Straight Talk to Lasting Connection—Darla Ridilla opens up about the cost of silence and the radical freedom that comes from telling the truth—even when it risks rejection, backlash, or pain. She shares her personal reflections in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s assassination, her own history of surviving narcissistic abuse, and the ongoing process of learning to communicate with honesty, integrity, and courage.

You’ll hear why silence keeps women imprisoned in relationships that diminish them, and how radical communication—rooted in truth, compassion, and boundaries—becomes the key to wholeness. Darla explores nonviolent communication, the consequences of standing firm in your integrity, and what it really means to free yourself from abusive dynamics.

If you’ve ever been told you’re “too much” or felt pressured to stay quiet for the sake of peace, this episode will challenge you to step into your truth, no matter who it rattles.

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Transcript

Darla Ridilla (00:00)
There are many women out there.

that were used that are where I used to be.

that are in relationships, whether it's romantic, family, job, that are not serving them, that are abusive. And I'm not saying that you have to go out publicly and speak out like I have. That is not necessary. But what is, if you really want to get real with yourself and you want to be whole, is you have to speak your truth, no matter who it pisses off. You have to be willing to be true to yourself.

and find out who your real people are. See, I would rather be alone and be who I truly am and my truth than pretend to be someone I'm not, to have fake people in my life.

I'm not responsible for the reactions of other people to what is true to me.

Darla Ridilla (00:44)
Welcome to You Have the Power, the road to truth, freedom and real connection. I'm Darla Ridilla a certified somatic trauma informed relationship coach for high achieving women who've been told they're too much. If you've built success on the outside, if you're unseen, resentful, or like you're constantly editing yourself just to keep the peace, you are in the right place. I help powerful women stop shrinking in relationships that demand self abandonment, whether that's a partner, a parent, a boss or a best friend.

Because here's the truth, you are not too much, you're just accepting too little. Each week, you'll hear radical insights, nervous system-based tools, and unfiltered conversations that break the patterns keeping brilliant women stuck, and show you how to reclaim your power, your voice, and your relationships on your terms. Let's get started with today's topic.

Darla Ridilla (01:40)
Hello, everyone. This is my third attempt to record this episode.

Today's Saturday, September 13th.

And we are right in the middle of a series on communication. And I had plans on doing a solo this week.

and I've been really struggling with.

how to say a few things that are on my personal heart while still staying true to my brand. Because quite frankly, my brand is me. My company, High Value Woman, isn't just this fake persona of someone I am in public. I really strive very hard to be the same in public as I am in personal. While I've been a lot more vocal,

and forward on my personal social media page. I do try to tame that down a little bit in my business ones because I do feel that there's a time and a place for everything. And that's not being small, but also denying who I am in my personal life, particularly after the assassination of Charlie Kirk this week is really not something ⁓ I believe in either.

I haven't left the house since Tuesday. Wednesday was very busy all day preparing for a summit that I spoke at that evening. And I didn't even know about the event until late into the night I went to bed and just happened to pop on social media for a few minutes before I turned out the lights and found out.

So let me preface this, that I don't really care what your beliefs are, what your political affiliation is. That is fine because those are your choices. You could have even not liked anything Charlie said. You could maybe, you had outright hated him. Maybe he went against everything that you believed in.

As a conservative, I agreed with a lot of what he said. And that's okay. I didn't agree with everything. Who agrees with everything? Even in a partner in our life, we're just not gonna have exact lineup. But as a human being, even if he stood for everything I didn't, I would have never wished harm on him. Death, tragedy.

I would have never wished what his wife and family are going through.

Part of communication is telling my truth. And today my truth is, is that my heart breaks not just for him and his family, but for everyone that's been affected by this, deeply affected.

I watched the address to the nation last night of his wife. You want to talk about communication. I feel like Charlie and his wife are the epitome of honest communication in spite of how other it will make others feel. Whether you align with his opinions or not, he unapologetically spoke his truth.

Tears streamed down my face last night.

As I watched her talk about her three year old daughter asking where her father was. And what do you say to a three year old?

watching her strengths.

While I am no longer a Christian, I once was, but I've chosen to have ⁓ a faith, spiritual belief based more on flexibility versus ⁓ specific rules. And I'm not condemning Christians, as you know, I've had Christians on my show, and I do welcome that I welcome spiritual people, which is more of my, ⁓ my ⁓ belief system. But I have had a couple of Christians on this show.

because I think they had something really valuable to say.

For many of us conservatives, this has hit very hard. I've been devastated. I did have the privilege of seeing him speak in person last year at a rally.

And even though I didn't know him personally, I feel like I did. I feel like he represents a lot of us that say things that are unpopular no matter what they are. I think also the reason it took, it hit really personal for me is because it hit a nerve in reality in my own life.

Many of you know I speak very publicly about an ex-husband.

The whole reason I left in 2014, I left Colorado, is because I feared for my life.

I feared for my mental health, I feared for my physical safety. And just six months ago, I came back. But the reality is, the danger hasn't changed. Only my level of fear and belief in myself has. I no longer choose to live my life based on what might happen, what other people expect me to do.

I will not live in fear.

The reality for me is I could be murdered from my words.

That's a very real reality.

But just like with Charlie, if that were to happen to me too, my truth has already been spoken. It can't be undone. My truth set me free.

Every time I speak of it, it's not to smear campaign, it's not to sit in my misery. It is processing and it's opening the door for others to join me in their own healing. Because I'm not done. My healing process is ongoing.

But I feel compelled today to really talk about nonviolent communication because we all are entitled to our opinions and our thoughts and our beliefs, no matter what they are, no matter who agrees or disagrees with them. You 100 % are entitled to that.

But when there are people out there who think it's okay to harm or kill someone because of that opinion, that's where I cross the line.

I'm not talking about the Charlie Mansons of the world that have physically hurt and killed and tortured people. They aren't even human beings, they're monsters. We're talking about just human beings just saying what's on their mind.

Communication is so hard sometimes because

Sometimes when we speak our truth, it's not well received by other people. I may lose followers because of this podcast, and I really don't care.

I don't care if you have a different belief, I invite you to stay because I still have a very valuable message outside of that. That has nothing to do with my political beliefs and my personal values.

I welcome you.

But the people I don't welcome, in fact, I implore you to unfollow me, is those that have no compassion for a human being who have celebrated his death.

I personally and professionally want nothing to do with any of those people. I can't help you. You're not someone I would want in my life in any way, or form.

I invite you to go get help and understand why you're so angry, but I can't help you with that.

truthful communication means risking rejection.

And that's not easy.

Personally or professionally, it still hurts, doesn't it? I'm not saying when I lose people in my life because of things I say or stand by.

Yes, I'm strong. Yes, I'm whole. But I still feel the pain just like anybody else. It's just what I do with it.

There are many women out there.

that were used that are where I used to be.

that are in relationships, whether it's romantic, family, job, that are not serving them, that are abusive. And I'm not saying that you have to go out publicly and speak out like I have. That is not necessary. But what is, if you really want to get real with yourself and you want to be whole, is you have to speak your truth, no matter who it pisses off. You have to be willing to be true to yourself.

and find out who your real people are. See, I would rather be alone and be who I truly am and my truth than pretend to be someone I'm not, to have fake people in my life.

I'm not responsible for the reactions of other people to what is true to me.

The last narcissist that I was involved with, ⁓ we split up for a couple of months in the middle of that year. And I was devastated because he broke up with me. And I didn't even know he was a narcissist till many months later. But I did know I was being gaslit. And it was abusive.

and he had the nerve to tell me that I didn't have the right to talk about our relationship to other people. I was seeking support.

what I told him and got in his face and said was you don't have the right to tell me what my experiences are and who I talk to about them.

while I have since held people accountable who have not taken a side and who have not held him accountable for what he did, particularly after he broke into my home a month after I broke up with them the final time and kicked him out. And that was recently I unfriended a couple of people on Facebook because they would not, they wouldn't take a side. They made some offhand comment about like, haven't I observed that behavior in him that's taking a side.

I didn't do it as a smear campaign. I did it to speak my truth and help them to understand what I was actually living with for a year. But for him to tell me I don't have the right to talk about what I want to talk about is not his place.

My reaction also was if you were so concerned about people finding out who you really are, you shouldn't have behaved that way.

When we're in abusive situations, they often want us to be quiet because they don't want the truth out there. And sometimes they will go to great lengths to stop it.

When I remained quiet about any abuser in my life, not just my romantic relationships, but my father and my mother and other people that came into my life throughout these years, when I remain quiet about what happened to me, I am living in a prison. If you listen to the last episode with my last guest, she talked about that. She talked about straight talk. She talked about how

We hold the key, but we keep ourselves locked in our own prisons and not speaking our truth is a form of that. We have to be willing to open the door and walk out of the cell and say what is true and let the chips fall where they may.

We have to be willing to not be liked for our words and our truth. And we have to be so whole within ourselves that even though we feel the pain, we don't let it control us.

Darla Ridilla (14:56)
is something in this episode spoke to you. If you've ever been told you're too much and still find yourself shrinking in relationships that leave you unseen, this is for you. The truth is you are not too much. You're just accepting too little. In my free pattern breakthrough call, we'll uncover what's really fueling the exhaustion and resentment in your relationships, the patterns that keep pulling you back into the same cycles and what it looks like to finally lead from wholeness instead of shrinking

silencing or settling. No pressure, no pretense, just clarity, truth, and your next step forward. Click the show notes for the link and book your free call today.

Darla Ridilla (15:37)
See, Charlie Kirk, I think he had a knowing. I saw things on social media where there were threats being made that they were going to stop him at any cost that day. They didn't want him there. They didn't even want him to come. Not all, whoever they are. He knew this.

And he walked into that danger anyway, because he had a conviction for what he believed in. He had a conviction and a passion to talk about his faith, to talk about his values. And he knew it could cost him his life.

But that is a man in his integrity.

I want that level of integrity about my own experiences. And I unknowingly have been doing that over this past year or so as I started to publicly speak out. I did that many years ago and stopped.

and I needed to free myself from my own prison.

other types of communication is over the past year or two, I've learned how to communicate better.

I was not violent physically, but I was violent with my words in my past version of who I was.

Ask my first husband. I was very controlling. I had such a lack of control in my childhood that I went to the other side and became my father. I became someone I hated. And I can't undo that. But I can learn from it. And over the years, I have learned to communicate better.

I've learned to communicate with I statements. I've learned to say what's really on my mind. I've learned to say that this doesn't work for me and if we can't work this out, I'm going to walk away from this relationship.

I've learned to draw a line in the sand with those who've been abusive and say no more, you won't talk to me like that again. Because we can be firm.

and assertive without being overly aggressive. And I didn't know that 20 years ago.

but also.

invalidating people for their experiences, invalidating coaches who aren't who are licensed.

is really another thing that shouldn't be happening. I had licensed therapists basically look down on me and want to know what my quote unquote credentials are. See, I've got a guest coming up next week that did a study all on her own. She's not a licensed therapist. But does that devalue her findings? Does it devalue what she believes as a pattern? No.

She's sharing with the world in her own way what she has discovered, the patterns she's seen in her own life. And she's opening the door for others and validating their experiences through hers. And there are no matter of letters after your name or certificates on the wall that will give you that level of humanity.

I'm not saying licensed therapists don't have humanity because there are many and I've had some really good ones.

but I've also had some really bad ones. And I think it's time that the mental health community also get off their high horse. You can help so many more people if you put your ego aside. You could help so many more people if you stayed in your lane. I will never counsel people with substance abuse issues, you know, like as a main thing, because I have never experienced that. I've been the wife

of two alcoholics. I know what it feels like to be the spouse and the vortex and, and the chaos, but I don't know what it's like in their heads. I know why they drink their, their running from something, but I don't understand the full psychology behind it. So I don't feel I'm qualified to coach someone who doesn't have the same lived experience as me. And we don't have to have all the same experiences when it comes to my clients.

but there has to be some kind of basic similarity. Narcissistic abuse is something that I am an expert in because I lived it and I did go get a certification in coaching and I'm in the process of getting an additional certification in narcissistic abuse coaching.

But my lived experience, I think, and my healing journey is so far more valuable than anything anyone will ever teach you on a book.

What I share with you is real and it's authentic and it's who I am.

And a lot of people don't like me for that, for whatever reason. And it goes back to that too much. I'm too intense. I'm too East Coast. I talk too fast. I talk too loud. I say I have no filter. Yeah, that's true sometimes. I have a little bit more of a filter than I used to, but I still, there's a limit to how much filter I'm going to put on what I say. Cause I'm the one who'll say what everyone's thinking, but no one has the guts to say. And then when I say it, I get demonized for it.

But the truth of the matter is a lot of those people, think, deep down, wish they had the guts to say what I say.

I would never wish on anyone what has happened to me over my lifetime and the amount of trauma and abuse that I've experienced.

But what I have decided is to use my communication to show others that they're not alone, that they're not the only one that have gone through it too, and just show them the way to move through it, to be whole in spite of it. Some choosing to be single on purpose, some choosing to stay in a relationship or leave a relationship, or maybe it's a family member you stay in contact with and you don't.

Sometimes our lack of communication also gets us demonized.

because I am estranged from several family members, one permanently no contact.

And that's a hard, hard road to walk. But you know what was harder is dealing with the constant chaos and abuse and insanity. And I, I couldn't do that because I loved myself more than that. It also was interfering with my healing and anyone, no matter who they are, who gets in the way of my progress and my personal growth.

is not allowed in my life. And I'm allowed to say that I'm allowed to make that decision. And I'm allowed to upset people because I made that decision.

Does it mean it doesn't hurt? No, it doesn't.

some of those family members I was once very close to, but I so radically changed that I no longer aligned with them.

and it's not an act of vengeance.

I'm just communicating that I need to do what's in my best interest. Your decisions have consequences. Your behavior has consequences. Just like in my romantic relationships. When I left my last relationship 10 months ago, your behavior and your lack of investment in me and this relationship has a consequence. And that's me walking out of the door and out of your life forever.

And as many of you know, if you've been following my progress.

even it was a short relationship, it destroyed me for a while.

But it also

Woke me up.

I had been walking that path of ⁓ healing, of learning to love myself and embrace who I am. But that single on purpose really kicked in. That doesn't mean I'm not open to dating. I am. I'm very open to it. But I'm not open to making the same mistakes I had before. And I'm not open to compromising my standards.

for someone in my life. And that really got firm with me over those two months that I isolated myself.

got my head straight. And what's interesting over the past 10 months, I have kind of flipped because as many of you know, I used to be extremely outgoing, very social, always out engaging with people. And it's been almost a year now, but my go to now when I feel deeply

affected by my emotions is to withdraw. It's why I haven't left the house for several days. I haven't wanted to be social. I haven't even really been making eye contact with my neighbors. I've been totally going inside.

at first I thought it was a form of depression. But now I'm realizing it's actually my nervous system, how it regulates now. I'm supposed to go to a festival tomorrow with a group of people. And I just don't feel I can handle the whole small talk arena. I hate small talk anyway. But I don't, I don't want to pressure

of having to be okay if I'm not tomorrow because I am going to go. But I have sent them a message to let them know I've decided to go by myself, because I'm just not really good company right now. And that's okay. And if I see them, I'll wave to them. I'm not upset with them. But I'm doing what's best for me. Are people maybe going to take it personally, they might.

And that's okay, too. It's okay for me to communicate. I'm still so devastated by Charlie's death that I'm just I'm not feeling social. I've already bought the ticket, it probably is going to be a fun event. It'll probably be good for me to get out into the fresh air in the mountains and hear some good live music and drink some beer.

But I want to be free to be quiet when I want to be quiet. I don't want to feel obligated to uphold conversation.

And so I communicated that this morning.

regardless of what people think of me.

the message I want to leave you with today.

is no matter what your truth is. ⁓

and speak it proud.

speak it even if there are consequences that are painful. Because the consequence of silence, the prison of silence, I can guarantee you have been both sides of this are far worse.

you will actually free yourself.

in spite of all the pain and the retaliation you may experience by speaking your truth, no matter what that is.

Have the conviction of Charlie Kirk.

borrow a little strength and courage from me.

just an average person, not a famous public figure. I'm just an average person who has a passion for healing myself and others.

Have the conviction for your own healing.

and be honest with yourself and others.

you have.

Darla Ridilla (28:40)
listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth, Freedom, and Real Connection. If you're a high achieving woman who looks like she's got it all together, but behind closed doors, you feel dismissed, depleted, or stuck in cycles that no longer serve you, know this,

You're not too much, you're just done accepting too little. Every episode is your space to unpack the real reasons powerful women stay stuck and how to create relationships that feel safe, honest, and fully aligned without sacrificing your fire. If today's episode hit home, share it, subscribe, leave a review, or send it to another woman who's ready to stop performing and start leading. Wanna go deeper?

Check the show notes for links to connect with me or take the next step in your journey. I'd love to hear what resonated for you. Keep tuning in because you have the power to stop shrinking, speak your truth and rebuild your relationships from radical self-trust. And I'm right here walking this road with you.