68: Breaking the System’s Spell - Whistleblowing, Childhood Trauma, and the Road Back to Yourself with Ted Neill

What happens when telling the truth threatens the people who claim to protect it?

In this powerful episode (third in the Silence to Sovereignty series) writer, survivor, and global health advocate Ted Neill joins me to expose the dark reality inside a celebrated orphanage — and the even darker reality of what happens when someone finally speaks.

Ted takes us inside the 20-year unraveling of institutional abuse, gaslighting, cover-ups, and the crushing weight of being labeled “the problem” for naming the truth. From being attacked by a board he trusted, to receiving cease-and-desist letters, to having his email cut off, Ted learned firsthand:

“We shoot the messengers — especially when they challenge the way we view ourselves.”

Together, we explore:

• How institutions become more invested in image than integrity
•  The psychological toll of being silenced — and why survivors doubt themselves
•  The story of a young woman whose courage shattered a decades-long cover-up
•  The moment when depression becomes the “best worst thing” because it forces healing
• Why gaslighting is the #1 tool used to keep victims quiet
•  What it takes to break the spell and reclaim your reality
•  How to know you’re not “too much” — you’re simply done accepting too little

This conversation is raw, unfiltered, and deeply human — an invitation to trust your own perception, name what you know, and step into your sovereignty.

Because silence is not your destiny.
Sovereignty is.

Connect with Ted Neill:

Website: https://tedneillauthor.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/therealauthortedneill

Books: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=ted+neill&ref=nb_sb_noss

Connect with Darla Ridilla:

Book a free call: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/call

Website: https://www.highvaluewoman.info

Send me an email: highvaluewoman7@gmail.com

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LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/darla-ridilla-3179b110/

Transcript

Ted Neill (00:00)
So I was in that tough position of having to go to the board and tell them, hey, your hero is not so much your hero. And I can tell you it did not go over well because it's almost as if they read a book on what not to do in a scandal like this.

Attacked me attacked survivors. We were making it all up. I got sent letters from their lawyers to cease and desist. We had, as a member of the board, we all had our email and email server for the organization. Mine was cut off. yeah, and so things looked really dark there. I was, I had been really foolish because I thought that, I'm a whistleblower. People will embrace me.

No, we shoot the messengers. We shoot the messengers, especially when it challenges the way we view ourselves.

Darla Ridilla (00:43)
Welcome to You Have the Power, the road to truth, freedom, and real connection. I'm Darla Vardilla, a somatic trauma-informed relationship coach for high achieving women who are done shrinking and ready to live life fully expressed. If you've done the healing work, you've set the boundaries, reclaimed your worth, and yet your connections still don't feel magnetic, you're not broken. You're just ready for your next evolution. This podcast is your guide.

through the magnetic connections pathway from presence to agency to empowerment. So you can create relationships that feel like home. Each episode brings bold truths, somatic tools and embodied strategies to help you stop over giving, stand in your power and connect from your deepest truth. Because you're not here to be chosen, you are here to choose from your power, your presence.

and your truth. Let's begin with today's topic.

Darla Ridilla (01:48)
Hello everyone. I am super excited to have another guest, Ted Neil, on the show today. And I know that this is going to be a powerful conversation, even before it has started. it is, once again, we are going to talk about things that people are not talking about and that need to be talked about. So let's just get into this conversation. Let me introduce you. Ted Neil is a writer, mental health advocate, and survivor.

His journey has taken him across five continents, but the hardest terrain he has ever crossed was the path of healing from childhood sexual abuse, religious trauma, and the slow unraveling of a life built on silence. For years, he was the high achiever who carried deep wounds no one could see. He performed, succeeded, and pushed forward until the cost of keeping quiet nearly destroyed him.

Today, he writes books and tells stories that confront uncomfortable truths with the hope that others won't have to carry their pain alone. His memoirs, Two Years of Wonder and 20 Years of Unraveling, chronicle his journey through trauma, shame, and ultimately self-reclamation. He believes healing begins when we stop hiding, that we deserve to take up space without shrinking, that our pain doesn't make us broken.

It makes us honest and that love the real kind never asked us to perform. This conversation isn't about blame. It's about truth. And he's honored to share his with you. Ted, thank you so much for coming on the show today.

Ted Neill (03:35)
you're having me and giving me this opportunity.

Darla Ridilla (03:39)
It's been a pleasure. bio brings tears to my eyes because I literally this week finished a four part series on sexual abuse, talking about my own experiences with it and bringing on guests as well. And it really was about talking about my experience, not for the shock value, not to be, you know, the victim, but to to honor who I am. And every time I speak of it,

no matter what kind of trauma it is, I'm healing it and I'm healing others. So let's dive into you. let's start with you talking a little bit about Kenya. You wrote this memoir and let's talk a little bit about what your experiences were, whatever you, how you want to start that story.

Ted Neill (04:23)
Sure, sure. Well, you know, ⁓ since you mentioned, know, our formative experiences, childhood trauma, I'll start with my childhood, which is actually ⁓ pretty, I mean, pretty comfortable. You know, I didn't ⁓ have some of the trauma ⁓ that I think some of your other guests have ⁓ had to survive. You know, what I did have was, ⁓

You know, my mom had breast cancer when I was three years old and we almost lost her, but she was a survivor. And that definitely left a mark on me in the sense that I think I carried around this fear of what it would be like to lose a parent. And so that just kind of like went into like my very early wiring. And then otherwise pretty, pretty normal upbringing. You know, I had a dad who could be a little tough on me and that led to me probably

probably being too hard on myself and internalizing some tendencies around perfection, which I would later confront ⁓ as an adult when I had to confront ⁓ my own mental illness and depression and anxiety. ⁓ But coming out of this, what I even ⁓ as a young college student ⁓ had the sense of having a kind of privileged background, although we didn't talk about privilege in that way back

back in the 2000s. It wasn't a buzzword then, but I knew that ⁓ in some ways I had a life that wasn't representative of probably the majority of the world. ⁓ And I knew I always wanted to be a writer, but there's not really an ⁓ entry-level position for being a writer, aside from being a journalist, maybe.

And so shortly after graduating, I tried to become a freelance journalist and I was covering a lot of stories on HIV AIDS. And at the time, it was only like a few years since antiretrovirals were found to be able to give people living with HIV a chance at life. So they had just kind of been ⁓ discovered, were slowly being disseminated. ⁓ And I realized if I really wanted to cover

you know, the impact of HIV AIDS, ⁓ I needed to go to Sub-Saharan Africa. And through a series of connections, there was, I'd gone to Georgetown University and there was a Jesuit priest. And here's where we start getting into the institutions. ⁓ There was a Jesuit priest who had taught at Georgetown who had gone to Kenya to found an orphanage. And ⁓ so I contacted him and asked if I could come live and work at the orphanage for two years, kind of like a Peace Corps experience.

And he said, yes, and went there, worked for two years. When I first arrived at the orphanage, we were losing two to three kids a month to AIDS. But we were able to ⁓ eventually get our hands on antiretrovirals for the children. And the death rate went to about two to three kids a year, which was phenomenal. Brought its own challenges, of course, because you're no longer running a hospice, you're running a home. ⁓

And, ⁓ but you know, wouldn't trade those problems for, you know, how things were before. ⁓ And that sort of gave me my, ⁓ my entree into what would become a career in public health. As much as I liked writing, ⁓ I realized I wasn't a great journalist. That wasn't the type of storyteller I was. I'm a memoirist and a novelist. ⁓ And so I went into, ⁓ went into public health ⁓ with a focus on global health.

child protection, HIV AIDS, maternal child health. I worked for care. I worked in partnership with UNICEF Save the Children and eventually with World Vision ⁓ and had about a 20 year career in global health with that focus on ⁓ children.

Darla Ridilla (08:34)
it's such a beautiful mission and a hard mission because children are hard. It's hard to see children in those circumstances to begin with and then, you know, to see them actually be exposed to more things that are hurting them. I don't I don't even know how to really express it to be honest. It's hard enough when we see it in this country. But I think when we see it in other countries, where they already are

facing other conditions that we're not. As America, we've got it pretty good. I we just If you could tell us a little bit about that when you were in Kenya, because I know that was deeply meaningful and it was deeply traumatic. Can you walk us through a little bit more of what that was like in your work?

Ted Neill (09:19)
And you know, it's we gravitate towards the things that we might have wounds around. And that's why I mentioned my my mom's illness. I, you know, when I really sit down, Darla, and think about it, I think I gravitated towards working with orphans because I still had that fear that was imprinted on me very young and what it would be like to to lose a parent. And here were here were these kids who had lost ⁓ both and maybe siblings to the virus as well. ⁓

Darla Ridilla (09:24)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ted Neill (09:49)
So, I mean, the thing about doing that work in a place like Kenya is, you know, we are insulated by resources here in the States in a lot of ways. ⁓ Whereas in Kenya, in a lot of third world countries or developing countries or low resource setting, whatever terminology that you want to use, ⁓ you'd have this juxtaposition oftentimes of some people living very affluent lifestyles.

And then other people just living and just abject poverty. ⁓ And you'd see it in the same day. ⁓ I could, I could take a trip ⁓ along one of the roads, north of Nairobi and get this breathtaking view of the rift valley and just, just look out on the roof valley and just like, man, what just stunning beauty and 20 minutes driving south, you'd be in the middle of one of Africa's largest slums.

where sexual assault was rampant, sexual slavery was happening, where if you're a kid with disabilities, oh God help you. So you'd see all these things in the course of a day and it literally broke me. And I always like to make a distinction between like little T trauma and big T trauma. I did not grow up with any big T trauma.

But I came away from that orphanage with some big T trauma. And as it turns out, working in global health, took me to places like urban slums, refugee camps and war zones, not the best place to be working through and healing from your trauma. And so it kind of stuck with me until 2012 when

Darla Ridilla (11:35)
No.

Ted Neill (11:44)
you know, I had been experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, and it just became too much. And I was hospitalized for depression ⁓ and was inpatient for about a month. And, you know, you tell people you've been hospitalized for depression and they, they, they immediately go to the, sympathy ⁓ queue and like, I'm so sorry. And I try to explain to people, no, it was the best worst thing that ever happened to me because it gave me an opportunity to heal, to rewire things.

For instance, I had been a perfectionist. I had learned that from my father and that had served me in school. It served me in work until it didn't, until holding myself to those ⁓ unrealistic expectations literally was killing me. And so while I was in ⁓ treatment and for the next few months afterwards, it really gave me a chance to go back to those things that had shook me so much at the orphanage. And you bury enough kids that you've taught to walk.

and taught to talk. I mean, that leaves its mark on you. And so the first memoir, Two Years of Wonder, came out of that. And it was me kind of giving shape to that experience and even confronting some of my own immaturity and going and thinking that I could be this savior, I could be this fixture. know, more things I needed to confront in myself, more kind of

cognitive fallacies or distortions ⁓ that maybe had served me in my formative years, but in adulthood needed to be left behind.

Darla Ridilla (13:21)
Isn't it interesting that some of our experiences are actually mirrors to us of what's really going on under the surface?

Ted Neill (13:30)
Absolutely. And if

we're lucky, we see that.

Darla Ridilla (13:35)
Yeah, you know, you're right. I mean, while it's an uncomfortable place to be, at the same time, when we look back and say what I want to still be in denial of what's really happening, and what I'm hearing and correct me if I'm wrong, is that that depression actually opened your eyes maybe to what was being reflected back to you and gave you an opportunity to kind of walk through that. Is that correct?

Ted Neill (13:59)
Absolutely, absolutely. there's such an important role here of community, whether it is mental health professionals or just people who can come alongside you who've been on that journey, who can reflect back to you. Because I learned that I could not do it alone. I was not sufficient unto myself. ⁓ And we need community. ⁓ And it's that paradox, though, because I've

recognize it in relationships. They are both equally healing and hurtful. And sometimes, sometimes we need to be a little hurt. Someone's going to give us some harsh feedback. Like, hey, you need to hear this, but it's instructive. And sometimes just being in a relationship with people we love can lead to hurt, but we stay in it because we need to be in community. I want to separate hurt from harm, of course. Like, you know, there is toxic harm and we just need to

get cut that out of our lives. ⁓ But I learned in that process that there were times that ⁓ sometimes the healing would require some ⁓ tough love correction, which I needed from people who are wiser than me. And I was broken down enough that I was finally humble enough and teachable enough. I'm like, okay, I'll hear what you have to say.

Darla Ridilla (15:21)
You bring up a really good point because I no longer work with women who aren't teachable. I realized you get in that savior mentality like not that I can save them all, but if I just say the right thing, they'll have that aha moment. No, they have to come to that on their own terms and then they come to you and say, I'm done. I've had it. Please help me.

Ted Neill (15:45)
And it took me until I was 34 to be able to be that teachable. And like who goes to Kenya at 23 years old and thinks he's gonna save the world? mean, clearly there's some grandiose ideas there and some fixer and savior issues there. And I don't wanna degrade it too much, because I mean, it takes broken people to do good things oftentimes, but there are definitely...

Darla Ridilla (15:49)
Right?

Ted Neill (16:14)
some adjustments I needed to make if I was going to continue and not burn out and not literally lose my mind.

I can follow up to where things went with the kids. I left Kenya in 2004. Shortly after that, social media comes onto the scene. so Facebook allowed me to keep in touch with lot of the young people as they grew up. And also because of my work in global health, there are a lot of times I got to go back.

Darla Ridilla (16:26)
Mm-hmm.

Ted Neill (16:47)
to Kenya and I got to connect with the kids who had survived and were becoming teenagers ⁓ and young adults. I mean, what's really blows my mind now is, I taught preschool when I was at the orphanage and those preschool kids are now in college or out of college. ⁓ Like, I feel old, but it's also amazing. It's amazing to see them, you know, they've grown up. And so I got to see that happen over social media.

And then in 2020 or 2019, 2020, I was approached by the board of the orphanage. Now at this point, it had been 20 years since I've left the orphanage. In that time, it had grown from the small orphanage to a multimillion dollar nonprofit receiving $30 million grant money from USAID. The orphanage is now only a small corner of everything they did. They had outreach programs reaching as many as 10,000.

people, ⁓ children and their families in ⁓ the urban slums. They had an intergenerational village for children who'd lost their parents and for grandparents who'd lost their children to kind of ⁓ reassemble family units ⁓ and doing a lot of admirable work. And so the US Board of Directors, ⁓ recognizing that I knew the kids, ⁓ recognizing that I ⁓

had a background in public health, invited me to join the board of directors. And so I did. And one of the first things I said was, if you want to move things on into the 21st century, one, you're going to have to close down the orphanage because the big push right now is to de-institutionalize childcare. Foster care is not perfect, but it's better than the outcomes that come with orphanages.

⁓ And as some folks know, orphanages can be magnets for ⁓ sexual predators, can lead to child exploitation, child trafficking. And just in general, even the best orphanages, the kids don't come out and the research is ⁓ uncontestable in this regard. The kids just, they don't come out the same, ⁓ as good outcomes as kids who are raised in families, even if it's a foster family.

They just, they track, they track, ⁓ they track behind their peers and cognitive development, emotional development, even physical development. ⁓ And when it comes to just ⁓ life outcomes, you know, they're more likely to experience mental health issues, use, to, ⁓ to become substance abusers and their relationship lives tend to be more troubled as well. ⁓ So all these things well documented.

At the height of the AIDS crisis, orphanages were needed. But now that we're over the hump 20 years later, not so much. ⁓ And so the other thing I said to the board was, you know, to really understand where this institution is, you need to do a baseline and see how the young people who have graduated from the orphanage are doing. ⁓ so I instituted a ⁓ kind of a survey of all the graduates of the ⁓ orphanage.

And I had, I knew from following them on social media that some of them were struggling. but I did not realize how bad it was. And it was in that process of doing that survey that, some of the survivors started coming forward and saying, Ted, after you left, there's a lot of sexual abuse and 20 years of sexual abuse. A lot of it, ⁓ done by,

seminarians who had come to volunteer at the orphanage, some of it done by other children, other youths at the orphanage, some by volunteers. And, you know, I mentioned that the orphanage had been founded by a Catholic priest, but he died shortly after I left. And so for the past 20 years, it was run by his right-hand woman who was an ⁓ Irish nun who had been in Kenya ⁓ longer than Kenya had been a country.

⁓ So if you can kind of imagine, you know, she had that institutional background of being part of the church. She had that background of having lived in Kenya since it was a colony. And so she was used to ⁓ what she said was the law. And, you know, she was used to a very strict hierarchy and she had run that place in the past 20 years and had gotten ⁓

you know, had gotten those grants from USAID and grown it. ⁓ So when these young people start coming to me, these young adults saying all these things that happened, happened under her watch, not only did she know, but she covered them up and the nuns working for her covered it up. I was in a real bind because I had to go to the board and say to them, listen,

This nun who you think is a living saint, who when she goes and visits the UN in New York is treated like a rock star. I am not exaggerating. ⁓ She has been covering up abuse of children, even some deaths. know, kids, some of these kids, ⁓ when survivors would speak out, they would be kicked out of the orphanage. When survivors ⁓ came forward, they were forced to write their abusers.

⁓ apology letters saying it was their fault that they had enticed them. When two volunteers at the intergenerational village, a Kenyan volunteer, a young woman in her twenties and an Irish volunteer, another woman in her twenties, ⁓ when they were sexually assaulted by a priest who was connected to that village, the nun and ⁓ running the whole place and the archbishop who was

overseeing that project as well as who was on the board of the orphanage in Kenya, pretty much blamed both the women and ⁓ did their best to cover up the fact that the Kenyan woman was even assaulted at all. And the only thing that the US board ever heard was that there had an Irish volunteer had been assaulted. And it's only when I teamed up with the Washington Post, I'll get to that in a minute, but

that we uncovered that had actually been two women who had been assaulted and that the Kenyan woman's story had been completely buried. So I was in that tough position of having to go to the board and tell them, hey, your hero is not so much your hero. And I can tell you it did not go over well because it's almost as if they read a book on what not to do in a scandal like this.

Attacked me attacked survivors. We were making it all up. ⁓ I got sent letters from their ⁓ lawyers to cease and desist. We had, as a member of the board, we all had our email and email server for the organization. Mine was cut off. ⁓ yeah, and so things looked really dark there. ⁓ I was, I had been really foolish because I thought that, ⁓ I'm a whistleblower. People will embrace me.

No, we shoot the messengers. We shoot the messengers, especially when it challenges the way we view ourselves.

Darla Ridilla (24:45)
Yeah, you know, it's disturbing enough to me that that abuse occurred. But what really disturbs me far more was how they they victim blamed and they invalidated and they actually severely retraumatized these kids by basically making them write letters to their abusers and apologizing. It makes me want to be sick. Do you write? I mean, it's so

like I had a visceral in my body reaction to that like that's horrible. And then to have this board not even want to look at it, you know, for whatever their reasons were. And I think that's so common, whether it's on a board level, or it's on an interpersonal level, when people come forward with something that has happened to them. And then you have folks that are covering it up for whatever reason.

I think it magnifies the effect. Did you observe that? What's your thoughts on that as how it affected these kids?

Ted Neill (25:55)
Oh my gosh, it's complete gaslighting. And I know this is something we've talked about is preparation for the podcast was, you you obviously a lot of these abusers have narcissistic traits and they resort to tactics like gaslighting. But there's something when you have a bunch of those people in these positions of power and who have a bunch of virtue projected onto them.

and when they're all in the same institution, there's this phenomenon that I would see, and I'll definitely get to the effect on the kids, but there's a phenomenon that I would see where the institution itself becomes more important than the mission.

And that's when you know you've gone wrong. And I think we see that in lot of churches where you see that abuse on religious institutions and the principles of a religious institution used against victims to keep them from coming forward. In the case of this orphanage, like I said, when the nun who's in charge of the orphanage would go to New York, the UN,

total rockstar treatment. ⁓ The year before I came forward with these allegations, she had been treated at the White House in honor of the White House for World AIDS Day. ⁓ And I remember one of my mentors saying me when I was trying to decide what to do with it, she's like, Ted, if you're gonna aim for the king, don't miss. Because that's what I was doing. ⁓ And she was wily, I missed her the first few times. ⁓ And what, you know,

Darla Ridilla (27:38)
Ha!

Ted Neill (27:41)
when it started to get out that the survivors, and I mean, these kids had grown up with each other. They knew a lot of each other's secrets. They knew who, some of them who had been abused. Other kids had no idea, which was really surprising to me, but some had no idea. ⁓ with the ⁓ leaders of the orphanage, and I mean mostly like the corrupt leaders, the ones who eventually were kicked out.

and found liable for all this. But what they would say to the young people coming forward is like, do you want them to close the orphanage? Do you want them to close everything down? Ted wants to destroy the orphanage. He wants to destroy your home. Do you want that? Where other children go? And a lot of the young people I spoke to, I mean, they had grown up orphans.

they didn't want kids to not have a place to go. But to their credit, they also didn't want the kids who were still at the orphanage to be abused. And they knew that coming forward, they were trying to protect those kids too. But when that's the only home you've ever known, when you owe that institution your life, I mean, it was wrenching for some of these young people. But I'm gonna mention her name, because she's...

She's fine with it and she's become an advocate, but there's one young lady named Faith. ⁓ Faith grew up the orphanage. was there when I was there. ⁓ She was only like nine or 10 when I was there. Shortly after I left, she became a teenager and she ⁓ was going to high school outside the orphanage. And one of her friends kind of tricked her into a situation where she got trafficked. ⁓

and she ended up being raped by a man. She was able to escape. She came back to the orphanage. She disclosed what had happened. ⁓ Actually, no, I take that back. She never disclosed what happened because she knew what would happen to her if she did.

However, she was sexually assaulted by one of the boys at the orphanage who snuck into her room one night. Neither does she report that. But one of the things that they did at the orphanage way past its expiration date is they would allow anyone come in the orphanage and take pictures of the kids. And the original founder of the orphanage always allowed this because he thought it was great publicity. So you let these visitors, these tourists,

come back with their pictures of orphans and they'll send money to the orphanage. Which, I mean, is a model, I guess it works. ⁓ Nowadays that's illegal. But ⁓ when Faith spoke up as a teenage girl about 16, 17, started to recognize, hey, this is kind of objectifying us. ⁓ we opt out of this? The nuns are so upset with her that... ⁓

they wrote in her social work file that she was schizophrenic and they kicked her out of the orphanage. Thankfully, she still had a grandmother who was willing to take her in. ⁓ But Faith became one of the, ⁓ crusading voices to ⁓ get the truth out. And ⁓ she eventually ⁓ became ⁓ a school teacher. ⁓ I sent her to get her ⁓

latest degree in special ed and she's now a special ed teacher as well. And she's committed to helping kids, not schizophrenic in the least. But ⁓ she, was really when she at a meeting of all the alums with the sister who was in charge of all this, ⁓ Faith in front of all alums told her story and explained what had happened and explained that she had to break into the social work office and get her own files to find out how they've been falsified against her.

⁓ That's when any of the young people who did not know everything was going on at the orphanage, they finally knew that something stank badly and that not all the kids were being treated equally or well. So I'll pause there. I know that's a lot, but I can get to the investigation after that.

Darla Ridilla (32:02)
No!

Darla Ridilla (32:05)
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Darla Ridilla (33:40)
you said something very important about, you know, the religious and institutional trauma that that occurs, and they use their power and there are a lot of narcissists in these larger organizations. And I will say my personal experience, I'm no longer in organized religion, because I not to that level, but I had my own bad experiences about control, manipulation and lies, and how they try to shut you down. And

I say first of all kudos to you, the small fish going against the big pond, you know, because they can be very intimidating. And I know that's an understatement because I haven't personally experienced that. But it's the only way we can get the truth out. And kudos to Faith, who chose to rise up in a situation that could have gone in the opposite direction, it could have destroyed her.

but she turned her experience to something positive. But I don't know if you want to go more into the institutional trauma or if you want to kind of go into the investigation, you know, where do you want to go with that?

Ted Neill (34:53)
⁓ I can say the investigation, can say what happened was I was completely ⁓ outnumbered and outgunned. ⁓ And so that's when I decided to go public. ⁓ And I first approached the Washington Post. The Post didn't feel like they had the resources to do it, but they did put me in touch with their Nairobi Bureau. The Nairobi Bureau chief at the time, ⁓

Darla Ridilla (35:04)
Mm-hmm.

Ted Neill (35:22)
Max Burak, an American, ⁓ he wanted to do the story. And he and one of his ⁓ reporters, Rayal Ambur, who's Kenyan, they had done some stories on ⁓ orphanages, orphanages that had been founded by recently a, their recent story on the topic, an orphanage in Western Kenya had been founded by a ⁓ white man from Pennsylvania.

who used his position there as the founder to abuse girls. And ⁓ it was a Kenyan woman, a nurse who finally, you know, brought it to people's attention, but took a long journey for her to get through to people. And so I first approached Max. Max was interested in, ⁓ he said, it's got to be Raelle who takes the story. She's Kenyan, she's a woman. You she's going to be able to get the survivors to speak to her and Raelle wouldn't take it. Raelle said that orphanage,

is too big. I grew up hearing stories about that orphanage, how big it was, what great work they're doing. I can't go up against them. I can't take them on. And she was legitimately afraid because it was so well politically connected. the, you know, the sister running the place had been at the White House just the month before. You know, who's going to go up against them? So I was stuck. And it makes the closing of USAID

⁓ which I hope is temporary, all the more tragic because it was finally USAID that stepped in because I reached out to them and after myself, you know, having brought these accusations forward to the board and then just to kind of ignore them or downplay them or be defensive about them or which was kind of crazy making. I kept thinking like, wait, aren't you worried about this? Didn't you found this orphanage and help support it to help these kids?

Now they're saying, help us and you're ignoring them. And so I thought something was wrong with me. ⁓ So I went to USAID ⁓ and having worked in global health, these are people I knew. ⁓ And I reported what was happening because they're getting $30 million over 10 years from USAID. It wasn't 24 hours that I heard back from them and that they launched an investigation. And because this is US taxpayer money,

federal agents were called in to do the investigation. And suddenly the board of directors had bigger things than me to worry about. And so I stopped getting seasons, assist letters from their lawyers. had, I no longer was worried I was going to lose my house trying to defend myself in court. and once the FBI came in, started investigating, ⁓ interviewing people, uncovering things. mean, they uncovered all sorts of financial malfeasance too, but that stuff seemed so

you know, minor compared to the extensive sexual abuse that happened over two decades. ⁓ And then once the FBI was involved in those federal agents had started filing reports, then Raelle came to me like, I will do the story because she felt that gave her cover. ⁓ And so that's when the Washington Post became part of it. ⁓ The story finally, I first approached the Washington Post in 2021.

Darla Ridilla (38:37)
Mm-hmm.

Ted Neill (38:46)
the spring of 2021. That story didn't run until November 2023. So it took a long time to get those stories out. And I was surprised. And sometimes, again, I was naive. These are such important stories. And it was so hard to find the bandwidth to get people to pay attention. And it took so long just to get that story out.

Darla Ridilla (38:52)
Wow.

Mm-hmm.

Ted Neill (39:15)
And then even when the story finally ran, it just scratched the surface. And so that was one of the reasons why I decided to write my follow-up memoir, 20 Years of Unraveling, that kind of covered the investigation. I wanted to do more to ⁓ tell more of the stories of the children and of the survivors and the young adults like Faith, ⁓ whose stories didn't make it into the...

the final Washington Post piece. And so I could really do right by them. And I, and you know, I learned from two years of wonder, the difficulty of appropriating other people's stories for your own purposes. So I really tried to work in collaboration hand in hand with the young adults to, you know, use their stories, use their testimony and

Darla Ridilla (40:00)
Mm-hmm.

Ted Neill (40:12)
and get their story out there in a way that benefited them. And the upshot is that eventually the board of directors came around, they've done the right thing, and they had a reserve fund of several million dollars that they have now devoted completely to the survivors and the alums. So I'm not in contact with the board anymore. It's not exactly good. But they eventually did the right thing. And those kids, those young adults are getting, they have options now that they didn't have before.

Darla Ridilla (40:30)
No!

Ted Neill (40:41)
and they have people who are listening. So that's, and there's stories like Faith's and there's other stories like that. that's, ⁓ know, first point where I didn't think I was crazy was when USAID ⁓ reacted with horror to what they heard. The second time, second point was when the Washington Post did, cause you know, you get these outside people say, no, what's happening is crazy. And I've just been in the craziness. I've been in, I've been gaslit.

I've been in that toxic system. ⁓ And then the final time I didn't know I was, knew I wasn't crazy is like when the board finally did the right thing. And, ⁓ know, I just got behind it completely. yeah, so in that sense, ⁓ there is a quote unquote happy ending.

Darla Ridilla (41:35)
Yeah, if there was somebody else that's listening to this and they actually are aware that there are maybe they're aware of something going on somewhere else. Do you have any advice for them for how to get that word out how to fight back?

Ted Neill (41:49)
Well, one of the resources we, found out there's a whole network of survivors and it's worldwide of people who've been abused by the Catholic Church. ⁓ They can ⁓ share ⁓ resources. ⁓ I had a great support ⁓ named Michelle Olay. ⁓ I call her my sister from another mister. She kind of cut her teeth and ⁓

Darla Ridilla (42:15)
You

Ted Neill (42:17)
We're about the same age and she cut her teeth in the ⁓ child protection area, same way I did in her early 20s. She worked at orphanages, realized that they're problematic. And she went on to found her own organization called Stahili, which helps ⁓ young people who've left institutional care and helps them get established and also ⁓ advocates for community-based and foster-based care. She also is a

a human rights lawyer based in The Hague. And she has ⁓ represented cases, for instance, child soldiers, complicated cases where they are victims and also perpetrators. I won't go into it here. People can read the book, self plug. But ⁓ one of the most complicated parts of the work Raelle and I were doing is she interviewed a young man from the orphanage ⁓ who had been abused and had become a perpetrator.

Darla Ridilla (43:02)
Yes.

Ted Neill (43:14)
But he had been targeted because he was mentally delayed and had cognitive, was cognitively delayed. And so, you know, what were our obligations there knowing that he was a perpetrator, but also a victim and, you know, compromise intellectually. And so it just, and I had, Darla, I had been on my own sanctimonious white horse, you know, thinking, you know, just looking down on all these people and suddenly you get a case like that.

And suddenly like, okay, I need to see the humanity in this person too. But one thing I learned from Michelle to answer your question is exhaust all your options. And that's what we did. Exhaust all the options and go after the money. ⁓ I prepared dossiers of the evidence I had and the accusations. I sent them to members of Congress who had supported the orphanage over time. I sent them to the attorney general's office in the state where the orphanage was. ⁓

had their 501c3 status. And to their credit, I heard back from the congressional offices, and most of them told me that they had either already told USAID or USAID had already told them. ⁓ that's, say what you want about USAID, they were on this, they were the heroes in this. ⁓ But go after the money and exhaust all options. And when I say exhaust, it is exhausting. ⁓ But like I said, every time I checked in with

Darla Ridilla (44:37)
Mm-hmm.

Ted Neill (44:42)
outside people I could trust who give me an objective view on things that kind of would re-inspire me because it told me, okay, okay, this is nuts. It's not me. Even though you're in the abuse, even when you're in the toxic system and everything's telling you it's you, not them, you need those outside perspectives to kind of repair the damage that the abusers do.

As I'm sure regular listeners of your podcast know, it's not just physical abuse. It's emotional, it's intellectual. You doubt yourself. um, and that's, you know, we need those outsiders, um, because we, we, we lose our own judgment when we're in the craziness.

Darla Ridilla (45:29)
Yeah, mean, a common and probably the most common tactic of gaslighting and of narcissists is to get you to question your own reality. Is it really this bad? Did it really happen? Maybe that child lied. It's a very common way to get you to shut up. Or they just make you so uncomfortable like they tried to that you give up because this is too big for me to take on.

Here's my opinion of this. just an opinion. The harder they push back, the more you're on target. It's just me.

Ted Neill (46:07)
Yeah, well, and you make me realize that there's also this, you know, that black and white presentation of things. It was always like, ⁓ if you bring this forward, the whole institution will die. Well, maybe the institution needs to die, first of all. Second of all, I, it's funny, I had to remind myself like, wait, I lived in Nairobi for two years and I've worked there extensively over 20 years. There's a lot of organizations. There's a deep bench of professionals.

Darla Ridilla (46:22)
Mm-hmm.

Ted Neill (46:36)
global health professionals who live there. If, that orphanage went away or if that, if the work they're doing in communities stopped, USAID could funnel that money to other organizations. I mean, they can't now right now, but at the time there were plenty of other organizations. There's plenty of other people. There's a deep bench of people who could take over that work. And even I have, and people on the board of directors who were sympathetic to what I was bringing forward, even they fell for that. Like, well, if you, if you say this in

It comes out and the orphanage is closed and the outreach program closes. What's going to happen to all those families? And there are even times where I'm like, yeah, what will happen to them? Like, well, there's other organizations. There's other people and you know, we need to apply some of that. You know, some of that pressure. So these organizations stay legit and, and, don't become corrupt.

Darla Ridilla (47:31)
Yeah, for sure. And I think that these big organizations, these religious organizations, particularly that are run by men in power who have a power trip, they're hard to fight for sure. But we do need to keep them in check. Because I think it has kind of a snowball effect, they get a little bit of that power hungry greed feeling. And all of a sudden, it's like, oh, that felt good. I want some more of that. And then it gets bigger and bigger and bigger.

And then they reached this point like this orphanage was huge and then it was backed by very powerful board, the whole thing. It becomes its own animal all on itself. But, you know, to go back, you didn't even know at the time when you were there, because I'm guessing if you had, there would have been some level of, wait a minute, this can't happen. But they're also very good at covering their tracks as well.

Ted Neill (48:26)
There there and I do need to be accountable for myself. When I was there, I would later learn that there had been one or two cases. There is one case I did know about, which was one of the boys assaulting one of the girls. ⁓ But at the time, I was young, I was 20. You know, I did. I did. I couldn't really judge how they were handling it. I didn't love the way they handled it at the time. ⁓

Darla Ridilla (48:47)
Yes.

Ted Neill (48:55)
but I didn't know how pervasive it was or pervasive it would become. I agree with you on the point about the men, ⁓ but so many the enablers in this case were nuns, were women. And what I came to my own insight was that even those women who were ⁓ victims of oppression from those men who were above them in the hierarchy,

Darla Ridilla (49:09)
They were women, actually. You're right. Good point.

Ted Neill (49:25)
but they're right below those men at the top. And so they kind of were both victims, but also became enforcers because that kept them at the closer to the top of the pile. And I think that's a real phenomenon in a lot of these institutions, especially religious institutions, and whether ⁓ they're conscious of it or not. then you, and when you find yourself,

Darla Ridilla (49:33)
Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Ted Neill (49:53)
using the argument like, you don't want the whole institution to go down. You already know you're you've you've gone over to the wrong side. Yeah.

Darla Ridilla (50:00)
Wait a minute. You know, it came to mind,

you probably heard of this, this, this study, and I can't even remember the name of it. But I was when I was in psychology classes in college, there was this study where they did, they had someone dress up in a white coat, a person of authority, like the person above these women. And they had a suspect, a person, study person that would ask a question to someone who was in the next room. And if they got the question wrong, they were supposed to shock them.

And then they were supposed to increase the level shock for every wrong question. What they didn't know is the people on the other side of the room actually weren't being shocked, but they were acting like they were. But because the person of authority said, ⁓ no, you need to do this. You're not hurting them. They actually did it. it showed how psychologically sick people can get when they think they're following instructions, doing, maybe they're not even doing the right thing. Maybe they're even enjoying what they're doing. But the whole

I hope you're getting the point of what I'm saying is that people when they are following an authority figure will do the craziest things.

Ted Neill (51:10)
layer on that that you are doing God's work and you have real atrocities.

Darla Ridilla (51:13)
Mm-hmm.

Yes.

what else is there that you feel is really important to share?

Ted Neill (51:21)
Thank you for giving this opportunity for me to share this story. And you've really, you've provided a space for me to kind of discuss a lot of the most complicated pieces of it. So there's not much I would really add, except for your listeners, just ⁓ who may be in situations where they're being gaslit or where they have someone who's trying to find the reality for them.

Darla Ridilla (51:24)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ted Neill (51:47)
Break out of that reality, find other people to help you break out of it as scary as it can be. And kind of like my experience ⁓ being hospitalized, like that growth is painful, ⁓ but it could be the best worst thing that ever happens to you to break out of those old cycles and finally start living your life in freedom. I just, for me, I see how so many of those young people

and survivors and victims at the orphanage ⁓ are living better lives now. And ⁓ thanks to the ones who came forward, ⁓ it kind of led that process from being victim to survivor. And we don't always realize the impact it makes. ⁓ So I think that's all I would really add to it. I mean, the podcast is only an hour, but my book is out there.

Darla Ridilla (52:43)
That's right. You know, real quick before we we lead people to where you are, ⁓ you know, something that came to mind too, is that this isn't just affecting the victims themselves, the orphans, it's affecting their future generations. Because we not meaning to just like the one person that was targeted and then became the perpetrator. We unfortunately pass that on to other people in our circles around us, not even just our children, but people who are around us were affecting as well.

So there is long-term lasting effect that you're having not just on the kids but on their whole world

Ted Neill (53:19)
And it goes both ways because one of the reasons I loved working in child protection is, you know, I just look at the outcomes. If you can help a kid early on, especially in those first eight years, it makes such an impact, such an impact in terms of, I mean, I don't like to reduce people down to commodities, but if you're looking for the biggest impact for your money, you know, investing in those early child development programs and health programs, you know,

Darla Ridilla (53:33)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ted Neill (53:48)
⁓ preschools and transition to primary school, it puts those kids on the right footing for the rest of their lives. you know, right there, you know, you're helping you're making an investment in the future. It's a cliche, but it's true.

Darla Ridilla (54:03)
No, it is true. It is 100%. That's where the biggest impact is and where the, you you're going to avoid a lot less stuff down the road and that snowball. But as we wrap up, ⁓ I would love for you to share where people can find you if they want to hear more, if they want to read your book. And we'll put this into show notes as well. But where can they go?

Ted Neill (54:29)
Well, ⁓ tedneilauthor.com. But also just if you put my name into Amazon, Ted Neil, my books should come up. ⁓ Two Years of Wonder, 20 Years of Unraveling. ⁓ I have a lot of books out there. I think I've written about 30 books at this point. ⁓ Don't give me too much credit. Some of ⁓ are kids books, so they're very short. ⁓

Darla Ridilla (54:31)
Mm-hmm.

my gosh.

Okay. I still work on my first.

I'll give you a credit.

Ted Neill (55:03)
But yeah, I'm on Amazon and I'm making some of my books more available on Barnes and Noble and Kobo and other outlets, but Amazon's the safest place. can follow me on Instagram. The real author, Neil. I'm also on TikTok for as long as it's around because Book Talk helps sell books. And that's Ted Neil writes. And I'm pretty much on everything except for X these days. You can find me on Facebook as well.

Darla Ridilla (55:23)
Yeah. Yes, it does.

Ted Neill (55:34)
And yeah, so I try to put myself out there so people can find my works.

Darla Ridilla (55:40)
That's awesome. Ted, I just want to thank you not just for being on the show, but for your work. You know, first of all, for doing that humanity work in the beginning and then following up 20 years later and really taking a stand against that institution for those children. I just want to say a personal thank you because I wish more people would do what you did.

Ted Neill (56:03)
Thank you, it makes it worth it.

Darla Ridilla (56:05)
Yeah, absolutely. So thank you again for being on a podcast. And I just want to say to the listeners, you have the power.

Darla Ridilla (56:17)
Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth, Freedom, and Real Connection.

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