73: Standards Aren’t the Problem, Self-Abandonment Is

Let’s get something straight.

If your standards feel “too much,”
it’s not because they are.

It’s because you’ve been abandoning yourself for so long that self-respect feels aggressive.

This episode is not gentle.
It’s not reassuring.
And it’s not here to make you feel better about what you’re tolerating.

It’s here to tell the truth.

In this episode of You Have the Power – The Road to Truth, Freedom and Real Connection, Darla Ridilla dismantles the lie that standards scare men away and names what’s actually happening:

You’re not losing men.
You’re losing yourself.

This conversation is for the woman who:

• Knows better but still accepts breadcrumbing
• Explains her needs instead of standing in them
• Feels resentment building and doesn’t know why
• Keeps telling herself “it’s not that bad” when her body knows it is

Darla shares raw, unfiltered stories about holding standards in real time, why emotionally unavailable men are repelled by embodied women, and the moment she crossed a value she had never crossed before because she couldn’t yet express her standards.

Not because she didn’t have values.
But because she didn’t yet have Presence.

This episode will challenge you to look at:

• Where you soften instead of speak
• Where you negotiate instead of choose
• Where you accept excuses instead of alignment

Standards are not rules for other people.
They are the line you stop crossing back over when you’re tempted to betray yourself.

You’re not too much.
You’re just accepting too little.

And if this feels confronting, good.
That’s the sound of self-abandonment ending.

If you’re done negotiating your standards, book a Magnetic Connections Call and move as the woman who chooses herself. 

Connect with Darla Ridilla:

3 Keys to Magnetizing Emotionally Available Men masterclass: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/masterclass

Book a Magnetic Connections Call: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/call

Website: https://www.highvaluewoman.info

Send me an email: highvaluewoman7@gmail.com

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Transcript

Darla Ridilla (00:00)
today we are talking about standards, not rules, not ultimatums, not a checklist. Standard is an extension of presence. And I'm going to say this upfront because it's going to be a theme you'll hear from me again and again. You are not too much.

You're just accepting too little. So let's break some of those myths about standards because somewhere along the way standards have gotten a really bad reputation. We were told, particularly as women, that if we had standards, we were too picky, too rigid, too demanding and too intense. Or my personal favorite, you're going to scare men away.

No. Let me tell you what standards actually are. Standards are not about controlling other people. They're not about getting someone to behave in a certain way. They're not about manipulation or power plays. Standards are clarity.

Darla Ridilla (00:59)
Welcome to You Have the Power, the road to truth, freedom, and real connection. If emotionally unavailable men keep showing up in your it's not because you're and it's not because your standards are too high, and it's definitely not because you haven't done the work. in you is ready to rise.

the women I work with are done living there. They're asking a different question now. Why do emotionally unavailable men stop being an the moment I stop abandoning I'm Darla Ridilla I'm a somatic trauma informed relationship coach for high achieving who are done shrinking and ready to stand in their power. And this podcast is for the woman who already knows

It's not about working harder for connection. It's about aligning with who you actually Here, we walk the magnetic connections pathway presence, agency,

Because when you embody those three, you don't chase emotionally available men, you magnetize

Each episode brings bold truth, embodied insight, and grounded tools to help you stop choosing relationships that require you to disappear so that you can create connection that meets you.

Let's begin.

Darla Ridilla (02:12)
I want to start this episode by saying this clearly, because this is for the woman who has already done the work. You're not broken. You're not confused. And you're definitely not behind. But you're noticing something. There's a quiet, persistent awareness that keeps tapping you on the shoulder. And it's saying something just still isn't aligned. And I want you to hear me when I say this.

That feeling, it's not failure. That feeling is readiness. And this episode is not for the women who want dating tips. It's for the women who are done abandoning themselves to stay connected. And my clients, they say things like, I don't want to have to explain my needs. I don't want to keep making excuses for behavior that doesn't feel good.

And if that's you, you are in the right place. Because today we are talking about standards, not rules, not ultimatums, not a checklist. Standard is an extension of presence. And I'm going to say this upfront because it's going to be a theme you'll hear from me again and again. You are not too much.

You're just accepting too little. So let's break some of those myths about standards because somewhere along the way standards have gotten a really bad reputation. We were told, particularly as women, that if we had standards, we were too picky, too rigid, too demanding and too intense. Or my personal favorite, you're going to scare men away.

No. Let me tell you what standards actually are. Standards are not about controlling other people. They're not about getting someone to behave in a certain way. They're not about manipulation or power plays. Standards are clarity. Standards are expectations for how people interact with you when you are present.

yourself. That's it. And here's the part that changes everything. Standards, they naturally rise when you stop abandoning yourself. When you're not present, standards collapse. When you are present, standards, they become obvious. And you don't have to think about them.

You don't have to strategize them. You just simply feel them.

And I want to slow this down. Standards are expectations for behavior that align with your values, your needs, your morals, your beliefs, your presence.

And if those things are not expressed, they're simply not real. establish what is aligned through our expression. And if it just stays in your head, it doesn't count. If you keep hoping that someone's gonna figure it out, that is not a standard. That is self abandonment dressed up as patients. And standards...

They don't live in silence. They live in expression.

I'm going to share some of my own personal standards. And it's not because you need to copy them, but it's because I want you to hear how grounded that actually is. I value consistent and authentic communication. I value truthfulness. I value loyalty. My spiritual beliefs matter to me. My moral beliefs and my political beliefs matter to me.

And I want to date someone who shares those same standards and actually lives them. And they don't just talk about them, don't just agree with them on that first date. They act in alignment with them. And I want to be very clear here. If we don't share values,

We aren't aligned. And I'm clear about that. And that clarity, it didn't come from better dating tactics. It came from staying with myself long enough to trust what I feel.

let me give you a real example. A few days ago, I was carrying multiple items into a building. My hands were full and my attention was split. And a man walked in front of me. He opened the door and then he let it slam in my face.

And out loud before I could even stop myself, I said, are you fucking serious?

Now here's where presence comes in. There was a split second moment where the old version of me showed up. The one that said, don't say anything, don't look like a bitch. It's not that big of a deal. that voice has been running women for decades. And then,

There was the empowered version of me that said, it's OK to be mad about this. It's OK to express it. attack him, but you don't have to swallow it either. So instead of calling him an asshole, which is exactly what I was thinking,

I said, I would have appreciated it if you would have held the door for me. That was It was regulated and it was clear.

And it was an I statement. Here's the part that I want you to really hear. That statement gave him an opportunity. He could have said, ⁓ my gosh, you're right. I was rushing. I wasn't paying attention. Because all of us have not meaning to be thoughtless, have been distracted as well and done these things.

I could have given some leeway in the moment because his response.

tells me a lot about his relationship with accountability.

But instead of being accountable, he immediately started to justify and explain his behavior. He was defensive. He was trying to make me wrong. And he was also trying to say, I had been unreasonable because I expected just basic courtesy. And as he's rambling on and trying to defend his bad behavior, I didn't want to hear what he had to say.

I wasn't interested in his excuses. I was only interested in holding my standard. So I interrupted him and I said, a real man would have held the door. And then I walked away.

I didn't argue, I didn't linger, and I didn't try to get him to understand me. That is about self-respect. someone to a standard even if they don't like it, even if they don't share it, even if they react poorly.

That is not being too much. That is demonstrating presence.

And this is where women, most women collapse, because they feel the misalignment and then immediately go into management mode. They explain it away. They soften. They override their body. And then they tell themselves, it's not worth it. I don't want to make it awkward. I'll just let it go.

And then they wonder why their resentment builds. Because when standards disappear, resentment grows. Your body does truly keep the score. And I want to say this very clearly. The fear is not about losing the man. The fear is about losing yourself.

And once you understand that and see that, everything changes for you.

Darla Ridilla (11:28)
If something in you tightened, leaned in, or went quiet during this episode? Don't brush past that. It wasn't inspiration. It was recognition. It is the moment that you realize that you're done repeating the story with different faces. You're done managing, explaining, over-functioning, or waiting for someone else to choose you. And this is where most women go back to business as usual. My clients don't.

If you're ready to move from reaction into choice, from attachment into presence, from patterns into power, I invite you to book a magnetic connections call with me. This is not a discovery call. It's a decision point. look at where you are on the magnetic connections pathway process. What you're tolerating that no longer fits.

and what shifts when you start moving as the woman who is no longer attached to the outcome so you can create real connection.

You don't need a plan. You just need to be ready and willing to choose differently.

The link is in the show notes. If you're done managing and ready to move with clarity, I'll meet you there.

Darla Ridilla (12:43)
I also want to name something important here. Standards are the foundation for boundaries.

Boundaries are not where we start. They are what comes later. Standards are the internal agreement you make with yourself. Boundaries are how those agreements are enforced externally. And we'll talk much more about boundaries in a future episode, but for now, understand this. If you don't have standards, boundaries are gonna feel aggressive.

If you do have standards, boundaries, they feel inevitable. Because standards are what keep you in check when that doubt creeps in. They anchor you when you start to question yourself. And they stop you from going back to old patterns of accepting excuses, bread crumbing, and deceit. Standards are what you return to.

when your nervous system wants to negotiate with reality.

Here's the part that no one really talks about. Standards aren't just for other people. They're for you. They are the thing that you use to check yourself when you start minimizing behavior. When you start to justify the red flags, when you start saying, ⁓ well, maybe this time it'll be different. Standards interrupt that slide back into self abandonment. They pause you.

They orient you. They bring you back to truth when emotion wants to take the wheel. Standards aren't about shaming you. They are to remind you of who you are.

I'm going to say something very plainly. If I had the standards I have now, before meeting my narcissistic ex-husband, I would have never dated him.

I did value faithfulness did value honesty and authenticity.

I just didn't have the ability to express those standards and stay with myself when it mattered. One of my core values has always been truth, authenticity, ethical behavior.

And if I had been anchored in my standards at that time, I would have noticed something immediately.

He convinced me to get involved with him while I was still married to someone else. And I need to say this clearly.

I had established a standard of faithfulness and relationships. I highly valued that. I did not believe in cheating. But because I lacked the ability to express my standards and hold them under pressure, I caved. And I did something I had never done before and something that I have never done since.

And it wasn't because I lost my morals. It was because I didn't have the internal structure to stay present when my values were challenged. I am not excusing my behavior. I have to take accountability for that. But I also realize.

that standards, they don't protect you from other people. They protect you from betraying yourself.

And I'm not sharing this to shame myself. And I'm not sharing it to shock you. I'm sharing it because this is what self abandonment actually looks like. it doesn't always look dramatic. Sometimes it looks like a slow erosion of values under emotional pressure.

And this is why standards matter so much.

not because they make you rigid, but because they keep you anchored when things are emotionally charged. Standards are how you remain trustworthy to yourself.

When I go on dates now, I ask real questions. And this isn't to interrogate. It's not to perform intensity, but it's to orient.

From the very beginning, I ask, what are you looking for in a relationship? What lights you up? What are you building in your life right now? And what do you value? And I don't just listen to the answers to the words, I watch behavior. And if values...

Words and behavior don't match. I don't negotiate with myself.

If something feels uncomfortable or misaligned for me, I don't go on another date with him. I don't need to convince him or anyone that I'm right. don't need to be chosen by him.

I'm simply assessing.

And that shift has changed everything.

And here's something that most people just won't say out loud. Emotionally unavailable men are turned off by this work. And that's not a problem. It's the filter.

Because empowered women don't convince. They magnetize. And when you are right with yourself, when you trust yourself, when you stop negotiating your needs with others, the right men, they recognize that energy immediately. The wrong ones fall away sometimes without you doing anything.

because

It's not about her. And yet, it is all about her.

And I want you to imagine something. Imagine dating with less anxiety. Imagine not waiting to be chosen.

Imagine trusting yourself in real time.

and imagine your relationships meeting you where you are. This is what it looks like when presence leads. You are not here to prove your worth. You are here to choose alignment.

And you don't need to know how to do this perfectly. You don't need to get it right every time. You just need to know you're ready. Because standards don't push the right people away. They bring clarity closer.

And I want to leave you with this. You don't need to know how to do it perfectly. You don't need to get it right every time. just need to know you're ready. Standards don't push the right people away. They bring clarity closer.

And I'll leave you with this. It's okay to take up space. It's okay to say no.

It's okay if other people don't like your no. reaction is none of your business.

this is how magnetic connections begin.

Darla Ridilla (20:37)
Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the road to truth, freedom, and real connection. If you've done the work, you've grown, you've set boundaries, you've become more aware, but your relationships still don't reflect the woman you know you are. This isn't because you missed something. It's because you are being called forward. This is not about fixing your past or working harder at connection. It's about stepping out of your old patterns and leading your relationships from presence

agency and empowerment. Because emotionally available connection doesn't respond to effort, it responds to alignment. If this episode stirred something in you, share it with the woman who's tired of doing everything right and still feeling unseen. Subscribe so you don't miss what's next.

And here's what I want to leave you with. You don't need another insight. You don't need to try harder. You need a new pattern. The moment that you stop abandoning yourself to maintain connection, everything changes. The ones who can't meet you will fall away, and the ones who finally see you show up. You already have the power. Now you can choose to use it.