79: Stop Tolerating What Drains You - Why Peace Is Not Optional

You don’t need more insight.
You need less tolerance.

In this episode, Darla gets brutally honest about peace — not the performative version that looks good on the outside, but the kind that actually lets your nervous system settle and your life move forward.

This is a conversation for women who have been staying because it’s doable.
Staying because it’s not that bad.
Staying because leaving feels harder than tolerating what’s draining them.

We’re talking about emotionally unavailable men — the confusion, the half-connection, the waiting, the low-grade tension that slowly becomes normal. And we’re also talking about emotionally willing men — why peace is the filter that reveals the difference, and why so many women never get to experience that kind of connection because they’re still negotiating with what they already know doesn’t work.

This episode weaves together real-life stories about relationships, family dynamics, holidays, motherhood, and the quiet exhaustion that comes from constantly managing emotional environments that aren’t aligned.

This is not about fixing yourself.
It’s about stopping self-abandonment.

You’ll hear why:

• “Doable” keeps women tired
• Peace exposes confusion, inconsistency, and half-connection
• Waiting for later is how women stay stuck
• And why peace isn’t passive — it requires choosing differently, even when it’s uncomfortable

If you’re ready to stop tolerating what drains you and start building a life that can actually hold an emotionally willing partner, this episode will meet you exactly where you are.

Peace isn’t optional.
And neither is the life you’re here to live.

Connect with Darla Ridilla:

3 Keys to Magnetizing Emotionally Available Men masterclass: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/masterclass

Book a Magnetic Connections Call: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/call

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Transcript

Darla Ridilla (00:00)
I used to think peace would come later.

Later is often the story we tell ourselves so we don't have to face what we already know right now. And one of the places I learned this was while riding a motorcycle.

I'll ride 100 miles to get lunch or an ice cream cone. And it's not about the ice cream. If it were, I'd drive five minutes down the road. It's about the ride. It's about being on the road. It's about how my body feels when I'm moving, present, awake, and not performing for anybody. And we all say it's not the destination, it's the journey.

But most women, they don't live like that. Most women are living like the journey is something to endure. So they can get to that part where life finally starts. and here's one of the lines that I will stand on.

If the ride of your life feels like shit, the destination is not going to save you.

You can't arrive at peace later if you are abandoning yourself every day right now.

Darla Ridilla (00:58)
Welcome to You Have the Power, the road to truth, freedom and real connection. This podcast is for women who are done asking why emotionally unavailable men keep showing up and are finally ready to change the way they relate. If the chemistry is always there, the potential looks promising, but the consistency, depth and emotional presence just never fully arrive. You are in the right place. I'm Darla Ridilla I'm a relationship and self leadership coach for women.

And this isn't about fixing yourself or dissecting your past. It's about recognizing where you've been over-functioning in connection and choosing something different. Here, we work through the magnetic connections pathway, presence, agency, empowerment. Because emotionally unavailable men aren't the problem, they're the feedback. And when you stop managing relationships that require you to disappear, emotionally willing men are magnetized to you. Let's begin.

Darla Ridilla (01:53)
I want to talk about peace in a way that actually matches real life, not the performative version and not the version that you pretend that you're fine while your mind is going 100 miles an hour and not the version where you smile at the table and then you spend the next three days replaying everything that you said.

everything they said and then everything that you wish you had said.

I mean real peace, the kind of peace that you create on purpose.

The kind of peace that you guard and the kind of peace that you protect even when you're misunderstood.

because peace does cost you things. And I'm not here to pretend that it doesn't. One of the things it costs you is approval from emotionally unavailable men. And when you stop tolerating confusion, inconsistency, and half connection, you get labeled. And you'll be told that you're too much, that your standards are unrealistic, that you were being difficult, and that you should be more understanding.

more patient and more flexible. And what's actually happening is that you stopped making yourself smaller so a man who cannot meet you doesn't feel exposed by your clarity. that's how women talk themselves into staying longer after their body has said no. And this episode is for the woman who stayed because it was doable.

She didn't stay because it was amazing or nourishing to her soul or safe. She stayed because it was just simply And she stayed because she told herself she could handle it. because nothing was quote unquote that bad.

And she stayed because leaving felt like a bigger problem than staying.

And if you're that woman, I'm going to talk to you like your best friend would talk to you, with some tough love, but no shaming or accusing, no blaming, just straight up talk.

Because you already know the places where you've been tolerating things that drain you.

Wait till later is a lie that women tell themselves. I used to think peace would come later. Later after the relationship worked. Later after things were stabilized. Later after I figured myself out more. And maybe later after I felt more secure. Also later when I stopped feeling so reactive.

So later became this imaginary place where everything would finally make sense. And I'm gonna tell you something that might piss you off a little, but I mean it with love. Later is often the story we tell ourselves so we don't have to face what we already know right now. And one of the places I learned this was while riding a motorcycle.

I'll ride 100 miles to get lunch or an ice cream cone. And it's not about the ice cream. If it were, I'd drive five minutes down the road. It's about the ride. It's about being on the road. It's about how my body feels when I'm moving, present, awake, and not performing for anybody. And we all say it's not the destination, it's the journey.

But most women, they don't live like that. Most women are living like the journey is something to endure. So they can get to that part where life finally starts. and here's one of the lines that I will stand on.

If the ride of your life feels like shit, the destination is not going to save you.

You can't arrive at peace later if you are abandoning yourself every day right now. I stayed in things because I could handle them. And that's important. I didn't stay because I was weak. I stayed because I was capable. I was capable of enduring, managing, and making excuses.

I was capable of carrying emotional weight and telling myself it meant I was loyal, loving, patient, and understanding. But capability can trap you.

Being capable and staying in what's doable keeps women stuck.

It keeps them tired and it keeps them in that low grade tension that becomes so normal that they forget what life feels like without it. And this shows up in emotionally unavailable men so clearly because emotionally unavailable men rarely show up like a disaster on day one. They show up with chemistry, with charm, with enough attention to hook you, with enough connection.

to make you believe. And then the confusion starts. Not always in a big obvious way. Sometimes it's in those quiet ways. It's in a way that your body starts to tighten when you're not with him.

I've been in relationships where when I was with him, I felt calm and I could settle and felt like I could breathe.

But when I wasn't with him, my mind was racing. I was trying to interpret what he was doing or not doing. I was trying to read the tone of his text or his words. And I was trying to anticipate what he was gonna do next.

And many times I was trying to figure out what I did wrong when he withdrew. And I didn't call that chaos at the time. I called it caring. And I called it love. And I said I was being invested.

now I know that was not peace.

Peace is not how you feel when a man is sitting across from you.

Peace is how you feel when you are alone with yourself. When there's no one to manage or impress, no one to wait on, and no one to chase.

That is where you're going to find if the connection is nourishing or if it's draining you. And this is the point where agency comes in. Agency is the moment that you stop putting up with what drains you and you start making choices on purpose.

And when it comes to emotionally unavailable men, agency is not subtle.

It's the moment you stop explaining your needs to someone who keeps showing you that they don't have the capacity to meet them. It's the moment you stop accepting confusion as a connection. It's the moment you stop waiting for consistency from a man who benefits from keeping things vague.

I now guard my peace like a dog with a bone because I worked really hard for the peace I have now.

I removed chaos and and and anything that was misaligned.

So if a man wants to be part of my life, he has to show me very clearly how he is going to add peace to my life. isn't through words or potential or false promises. I mean actual reality. How does it feel to be connected to him? Do I feel grounded?

Do I feel clear? Do I feel steady? Or do I feel like I'm constantly thinking about him, constantly interpreting, constantly wondering what the heck is happening? I am willing to be alone for the rest of my life to keep peace in my life, in my home, even when they're lonely moments. And yes,

There are lonely moments. I'm not gonna put some shiny spin on this, because living alone means everything is on my shoulders.

The money, the household, the cooking, the cleaning, walking the dog.

everything in my life and all the responsibilities that come with it.

And there are days I'm mad about it. There are days I feel resentful. There are days where I wish something was different.

But I would choose peace over a false connection any day. And that's what women need to hear. Peace is not the absence of hard days.

Peace is choosing what is aligned in your body.

Darla Ridilla (11:08)
Let me talk to you for a moment, because this time of year, when Valentine's Day is everywhere, makes pretending harder, and it brings the gap into sharper focus. You might be single, watching everyone else post roses and reservations, and telling yourself you're fine. While feeling that familiar mix of disappointment, envy, and what am I missing?

or you might be in a relationship and instead of feeling prioritized, you're managing your expectations, hoping he remembers, hoping he shows hoping that this year feels different, hoping that you don't have to remind him it's Valentine's hoping that you're not the one making the reservations again, and hoping

He doesn't minimize it, says it's just a hallmark holiday or complains about the money. Well, you quietly swallow the feeling that this matters to you. And here's the part that no one says out loud. It's not the holiday that hurts. It's the pattern it exposes. It's the constant question in the back of your mind. Why does this feel so hard? It's the energy that you keep pouring into something that never quite meets you. And it's that

Quiet exhaustion of being the one who cares more, hopes more, tries more. Single or partnered, the experience is the same. You're in connection, but you're alone inside it. so if Valentine's Day has you feeling restless, frustrated, or done pretending that you don't care, hear this.

Nothing is wrong with you, but if you keep choosing from the same version of yourself, you'll keep recreating the same dynamic. Different man, same outcome. And inside this masterclass, I walk you through how to stop choosing from hope, chemistry, or potential, and start choosing from clarity, self-respect, and what's actually there.

This season isn't about being chosen by someone else. It's about deciding how you are going to relate going forward. This is why I created the masterclass called, Three Keys to Magnetizing Emotionally Available Men. This masterclass is available now for only $27. You'll find the link in the show notes. Let this be the year you stop choosing potential over reality.

Darla Ridilla (13:34)
I have chosen to spend the holidays alone. Christmas, Thanksgiving, know, three years in a row. Just me and my dog.

And yes, sometimes it can be sad to see groups of families together. the thought that snapped me back into reality. How nourishing is it for those women participating in those dynamics? Because I've heard women in my surroundings talk about dreading family events, dreading going and the comments.

dreading the tension, dreading the expectations. And women do have a choice. They just don't realize that they have one. you're going to be uncomfortable either way. You can be uncomfortable with your family and a toxic dynamic and have no peace.

Or you can be uncomfortable choosing solitude or a small gathering and have peace. Other people don't have to like And I want to be more specific here because I feel like this is something that women can relate to.

What I'm sharing with you is the last Christmas that I spent with a partner and his family. Being with him was a package deal, and that package was his family. And both he individually and his family were not easy to get along with.

There was this dynamic with his mother, and I'm going to name it the way that I experienced it.

He had Oedipal Complex with his mom. And this is a dynamic where the mother is in a non-sexual role as the wife of your partner. And you essentially are the other woman. And it's a horrible position to be in, to always be in second place. And when he was around his family, he changed and he would treat me differently.

He acted differently. It was a feeling of being thrown in a lion's den.

and his family, of course, was very dysfunctional. Everyone was expected to comply with the expectations. And everyone had to be in their role and perform.

And everyone, even on holidays, was expected to do everything the way they had always done it. Even if you weren't officially a blood relative. And if you didn't, then you were the problem.

And the last Christmas I spent with him, the family was going to play a card game and I didn't like that card game. I didn't enjoy it. And it was a beautiful sunny day. So I chose to sit outside on the porch and read a book, give some time to myself, try to recalibrate, try to find some peace in a situation that really felt chaotic and controlling.

And they acted like I did something wrong. They were mortified. Like I committed some crime by not participating in a card game. And suddenly, I'm the bad and horrible one.

And this is where it doesn't just happen at the event, it's where it follows you home. It's the drive home where your thoughts won't stop. You're questioning yourself for choosing space instead of playing along. It's noticing that your calm disrupts others who are invested in keeping things exactly the same.

And if you recognize yourself in this story in some way, it's because you've lived it. You're noticing what it takes out of you. When I decided to divorce my first husband, I got a lot of pushback because I had a 12 year old daughter. I was accused of destroying the family and destroying her.

And yes, it was hard on her.

but the home was no longer peaceful.

quite frankly, I had stayed too long. in a marriage that hadn't been working for quite a while.

And it was time for me to move on. Was it going to hurt people? Yes, and it did. this is what women need to hear. Sometimes creating peace requires being willing to be viewed as the bad guy. I had to be OK with being judged because I knew

I was modeling something for my daughter. never want her to stay in a marriage that didn't feel fulfilling, that didn't feel good, just to keep up appearances. So why would I do that? That staying together for the kids narrative, it gets thrown around a lot, but it's not always the right answer.

And should there be an investment when you share a child with a man? Absolutely.

But is it gonna be the gauntlet that keeps you there when it's time to go? No.

And this is where people get peace completely wrong. peace is not pretending everything is fine.

Peace is not always being pleasant. Peace is not pretending you're never angry.

Peace is not about toxic positivity.

peace is a series of decisions where you stop abandoning yourself. And I can be peaceful and still be angry. I can be peaceful and still wish things were different. And the difference is when you're dedicated to protecting your peace, your decisions are going to reflect that. even when it's uncomfortable.

You can be uncomfortable and still choose yourself. And that's the whole point. A lot of women avoid discomfort like it's a death sentence. And what they don't realize is they are uncomfortable either way. They are uncomfortable staying in a chaos. They are uncomfortable leaving. They are uncomfortable being alone. They are uncomfortable setting standards.

So the question becomes, what discomfort is worth it? Short-term discomfort that protects your peace or long-term discomfort that drains you slowly until you forget who you are.

misalignment clearly. It wasn't some explosion or a big blow up. saw it and then I just couldn't unsee it. I could feel him withdrawing and pulling away.

and inside my mind was racing and I felt this panic and I didn't express it outwardly. Many people that I knew probably never saw it didn't even admit it to myself at first because I wanted it to work so badly.

I loved him. But there was no peace in that relationship. I was constantly trying to make a situation feel stable that wasn't.

And that night.

I admitted it to myself and decided to walk away.

I decided to break my own heart and leave.

And it was incredibly painful in the moment and then the months that followed. but a year later, I look back and I realized it was the best thing that I could have ever done. because that is when my life started aligning with who I really am.

There was peace even in the pain because I knew I was moving forward. I wasn't going backward and I wasn't standing still.

was the tough love for myself. Because sometimes the thing that hurts the most in the moment is what gives you your life back in the future. Peace means living your life on your terms, not somebody else's. Peace means you stop being performative. And it means that you stop being a good girl.

Peace means that you stop making everybody else comfortable at the expense of your own sanity. Your peace comes first and nobody has to like it. And if you're listening to this and you recognize yourself in even one of these stories, I want you to hear this clearly. You are not stuck. You are not powerless.

You are not doomed. You have choices.

Yes, those choices may make you unpopular, but that's part of it. And you can be liked and lose yourself, or you can choose yourself and keep your peace. And if you choose peace, you're gonna start seeing how it touches every area of your life, not just with men.

It might be uncomfortable at first. It might cost you people, stories, or identities that you've outgrown.

but it will give you yourself back. You don't need permission to choose it.

Darla Ridilla (22:52)
Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the road to truth, freedom and real connection. If something landed while you were listening, pay attention to that. Emotionally unavailable men aren't a mystery to solve, they're information. They show you exactly where you've been waiting, minimizing or tolerating what doesn't actually work for you. This podcast isn't here to teach you how to manage that dynamic better. It's here to help you stop participating in it. When you lead from presence,

hold clear standards and stay anchored in yourself, the pattern changes. Not because men suddenly become different, but because you do. If this episode moves something in you, like it, share it and subscribe so you stay connected to what's next. You're not asking for too much. You're just done betraying yourself. And that's when emotionally willing men are magnetized to you.