84: When Your Standards Become Non-Negotiable - Why Emotionally Unavailable Men Stop Qualifying

You’ve tried to communicate better.
You’ve tried to be patient.
You’ve tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.

And somewhere in the back of your mind, you’ve wondered…

Maybe I’m expecting too much.

But deep down, your body already knows the truth.

You feel calm when he’s present…
and anxious when he disappears.

You replay conversations.
You explain his behavior to your friends.
You tell yourself he just needs more time.

But emotionally unavailable men thrive in that space — the space where you keep negotiating with yourself.

In this first episode of a three-part series on Embodiment, we’re talking about the moment that pattern finally breaks.

The moment your standards stop being something you think about…
and become something you live.

This is where you stop responding to potential.

You start responding to behavior.

You stop trying to prove you’re understanding enough, patient enough, supportive enough.

And you start standing by your standards with a backbone.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why emotionally unavailable men create confusion
 • What it actually means to have standards with a backbone
 • Why his reaction to your standards tells you everything
 • The difference between an emotionally unavailable man and an emotionally willing man

Because emotionally unavailable men aren’t the mystery.

They’re the feedback.

And when your standards become non-negotiable…

Emotionally unavailable men don’t suddenly evolve.

They simply stop qualifying.

And the woman you’re becoming?

She doesn’t chase potential.

She chooses from power.

If this episode hit close to home and you’re ready to stop repeating the same relationship pattern, book a Magnetic Connections Call.

The link is in the show notes.

Connect with Darla Ridilla: 

3 Keys to Magnetizing Emotionally Available Men masterclass: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/masterclass

Book a Magnetic Connections Call: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/call

Website: https://www.highvaluewoman.info

Send me an email: highvaluewoman7@gmail.com

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Many women think they need to communicate better, to be more patient, or to give him the benefit of a doubt. But the real truth is, it has nothing to do with what you are doing. When we realize this as women, we stop negotiating with ourselves and we start honoring our standards. Welcome to You Have the Power, The Road to Truth Freedom, and Real Connection. This podcast is for women who are done asking why emotionally unavailable men keep showing up and are finally ready to change the way they relate. The chemistry is always there, the potential looks promising, but the consistency, depth, and emotional presence just never fully arrive. You are in the right place. And this isn't about fixing yourself or dissecting your past. It's about recognizing where you've been actually in a connection and choosing something different. Here we work through the magnetic connection pathway. Agency empowerment. Because emotionally unavailable men aren't the problem. They're the feedback. And when you stop managing relationships that require you to disappear, emotionally willing men are magnetized to you. Let's begin. Many women think that the answer to an emotionally unavailable man's behavior, you know, examples would be that he doesn't communicate well, that he's inconsistent, that he doesn't want to commit. They often take on the blame on themselves and say, this is something that I'm doing wrong, and I need to do something better. So they think that they have to communicate better, that they have to be more understanding, give him the benefit of a doubt. Maybe he wants to take it slow. But the real truth of the matter is that it has nothing to do with what you are not doing or doing wrong. All of it lies in his behavior. And when we realize this as women, we stop negotiating with ourselves, really stand by our standards. This is the very first episode of a three-part series on embodiment. We are going to talk about why your standards are non-negotiable. And what you're going to find is when you hit this phase, that embodiment isn't something that you work on or you consciously think about, it starts to become a way of living. You just naturally start to do it. But before that behavior becomes automatic, the early stages they do require conscious effort. If you go back to earlier stages of the magnetic connections pathway, let's talk about in presence. Sometimes we have to really think about that. We have to remember, oh yeah, I need to honor myself. I need to stop abandoning myself. And then you move on and you're taking agency. And it starts to become instinctive a little bit. You start raising your standards, you start denying access, but it's still a lot of work. You still have to think about it. You may even have a moment where you negotiate your standards because you forget, or it's a new situation. If you keep working at it, I promise you, I've lived it. I am living it in real time. That you are gonna start not just understanding that your standards are important on and non-negotiable, it's just gonna automatically be how you move through the world. You no longer try to be empowered, you just simply operate that way. So the second part of that is something that I like to call standards with a backbone. As women, I think we have been sold a bill of goods. We have been told that we have to be nice, that we have to be accommodating, that when we get loud and we talk about what we need and want, that we're being too much, that we are not being feminine. We can be feminine and soft, but we can also be bold and direct. And when we have standards with a backbone, we state what we expect without apology. And we can be firm, we can say it with conviction, and it doesn't mean that we're a bitch, it simply means we know who we are, and our standards matter. One of the important parts of really having standards with a backbone when you move into this phase is that you don't necessarily on a first date have to say, I'm a no-nonsense woman and I'm not gonna put up with your crap. Well, that I honestly is running through my head. What I want to do in that first date is sit back and watch and see what he does. I do have a list of questions that I ask on the first date and throughout the um dating process and in a relationship too. If you're already in an established relationship, there are things you can ask. But when a boundary is crossed, this is the opportunity for us to say that doesn't work for me. When you said this, I felt this way. In the future, I would like things to go like this, and then sit back and watch him react because his reaction will tell you more than his love-bombing words. Men are gonna say a lot of things in the beginning, and I'm gonna be really blunt about it. A lot of times it isn't about getting in a relationship with you, it's about getting what they want, and it's often to sleep with you is to get access without earning it. And they're gonna tell you what you want to hear. And the way for us to be able to weed that out, to see long-term, if he really is what we're looking for, is to watch his reactions to our standards. That will tell you far more than those yes or no questions. For example, do you want a long-term relationship that's committed? If that's something you want and he senses that, he's gonna say yes, just so he can get what he wants from you. But if he is an emotionally willing man, he's gonna understand, hey, I want that too. I have to earn her respect. I have to earn her trust. I don't automatically get it. And he's gonna do the work, he's gonna respect your standards and his and your boundaries. He may not always like them, but he's gonna at least make an attempt to try to understand them. The thing is, is that we have to prioritize being respected over being liked. You know, when we talk about the emotionally unavailable man, when you start to demonstrate your standards, I will talk about a few of mine. I believe that the man should lead in the relationship. I believe that the man should initiate and plan the date. I also believe that the man should pay for all of the dates. This isn't about money. For me, this is about him showing his leadership skills. Because if I'm seeking a long-term relationship that leads to a healthy marriage, is he a provider? Is he a protector? Is he a leader? Is he masculine? And when I say masculine, I'm not talking about being controlling, calling all the shots. I'm talking about more of an old-fashioned masculine where I can relax and feel safe in his presence, where I don't have to run the relationship. Now, that being said, if he's taking the lead at any point, if I am not comfortable with how he's doing that, it's okay for me to piss him off and say, hey, that's not how I do these things. I am not currently dating anyone right now, but I have decided that if a man does ask me out, I'm gonna get it out of the way in the beginning. And this is how I do things. I'm gonna say, hey, I'm I'm kind of a traditional woman in some ways. I expect the man to lead, plan, and pay for all of the dates. And then I shut up and let him see what he does. Because an emotionally unavailable man isn't gonna like that, whether it's before the date or during. He's gonna try to create confusion. He's gonna get you to comply and be tolerant. He is gonna want things his way. He's also not gonna understand the psychology behind why I have those requirements. It's not about being a gold digger, it's not about getting something for free. What I'm really looking for is leadership qualities. An emotionally willing man is gonna understand that. When we have standards with a backbone, sometimes we have to make some really difficult decisions. One of the most difficult decisions that I had to make about a year and a half ago is I no longer give men second chances. It is now my firm belief that if he wasn't willing to make the effort on the first round, he's not gonna make the cut on the second or third or fourth. We've all done it. When it comes to boyfriends, someone you're dating, even someone you're living with and have been in a long-term relationship, when it reaches that breaking point, and when mine did, he was very upset with me because I refused to give him any more chances after I gave him the ultimatum. And I also told him that I was not going to be friends with him afterwards. This is also a very firm belief of mine that if you aren't willing to meet me as a partner, you're not gonna make a good friend for me either. Whatever elements existed in that dynamic and that relationship, that dating experience, those are also gonna hinder me from my progress and my future relationships if I stay in contact with you. The other thing is just keep this in mind. A lot of men want to keep you in their circle. And how they do that is they let's stay friends. And I think it's a form of a guilt trip for women too. We lower our standards because there we go, we want to be nice. We're heartbroken ourselves. We don't want to let them go. We don't want them to be out of our lives. We want in their world in some way, but what we don't realize is when we do that, we're actually hurting ourselves. We're holding ourselves back from healing, we're hurting ourselves from future healthy relationships. We're still giving him access without earning it. If you really were invested in a relationship, it isn't just something that happens in two seconds. It built up to it. You probably told him numerous times, especially if it's a long-term relationship, hey, this isn't working for me. I need more from you. Whether you said it in a productive manner or not, you still said it. And even if you tried to make it better, if he didn't, he doesn't value you the way you deserve. So let's talk about the third point, and that is how do we make emotionally unavailable men irrelevant in our lives? It took me a really long time to get this. In fact, I didn't get it until my last breakup. I was starting to get there. I was starting to improve, but that last relationship really solidified this for me because I did what most of us, a lot of us do. A lot of us women, we respond to potential instead of the actual reality of the behavior. I saw so much potential in him, but he didn't want to see it in himself. And there was nothing I could do or say that was gonna change that. He had made a choice that not dealing with his shit was more important than keeping me in his life. So I had to choose me over him. An emotionally willing man, you're gonna have fights. It's gonna happen. There's gonna be conflict, there's gonna be disagreements. He may even fall down a little bit. He may make a mistake. But the difference is the emotional willing man is gonna say, oh, wait a minute, let's talk about this. Tell me what's going on. He's gonna sit and really think about it. He's gonna take ownership for behavior that he needs to take ownership for. On the other flip side, when he has a problem with you, because we're not perfect either, he's gonna come to you and be like, we need to talk about this. Hey, what's really going on? You seem to be a little on edge tonight. I don't think this is about, you know, me chewing too loud. Something else is going on. Let's talk about that. The emotional unavailable man, when you come to him, is gonna say, You want too much, you're always saying this. They're gonna use very like large, broad words. You always, here we go again. They're gonna deflect their behavior and blame you. And also, when we look at the dating experience, I've really been uh getting good at weeding out men. I haven't been on a date in a year and a half. I can't even get to the first date. Well, that can be frustrating in the moment. I will say it's actually a really good thing because I've saved myself a lot of time, heartache, and wasted effort. An example is a couple of months ago, I met someone, and we seemed to kind of hit it off. We had a lot of the same values and morals, and we went and got a bite to eat, and it wasn't an official date. It was kind of we had just met, we're having fun dancing. He said, Hey, do you want to go get some breakfast? And so I decided, okay, let's let's go have a conversation. It's loud in here, and I can't I can't talk to you and hear what you're saying. So we went and I thought things were going really well. I was really encouraged, and um, it was actually during the holidays. So he had said, Hey, I have a Christmas party next week. I'd really love for you to be my date. I'm not exactly sure which night. I can't remember which night it is. And I was like, okay, I'm available one night, but not the other. We exchanged phone numbers, and I never heard from him as to which day it was. Even if it had been the night that I wasn't available, an emotionally willing man would have said, would have texted or called and said, Hey, I know you said you weren't available Tuesday night. I just wanted to let you know that's when the party is. I'm so sorry you're not gonna be able to make it, but hey, let's I'd love to get together at another time and take you out for dinner, a drink, cup of coffee, whatever it is. He never responded. After a week, I decided that in my book is an equivalent of standing me up. He said he would let me know. He didn't, and so I deleted him and blocked his number. I decided he's already shown me this doesn't work for me. It doesn't matter how quote unquote busy he is, common courtesy is super important to me. Consistent communication, super important to me. And when I don't get it, I let the man know in a variety of ways it doesn't work, whether it's saying it out loud or by not responding to messages or blocking numbers. The reason I did that is because embodiment removes negotiation with potential, and it only gives access to reality that works for me. If he had followed up, maybe we would have gone on a date, maybe it would have worked out. I don't know. But once again, this goes back to what I was saying earlier about how their reaction, their behavior actually tells you everything. Did he know that I had that standard? Did I tell him? Remember what I said we don't have to tell them? No, but a man who is generally interested, who is emotionally willing, wouldn't need to be told. He would just do it because if he's really interested, if he wants to show that he can be trusted, he's not gonna let another man walk through that open door. He's gonna want to get to know you, he's gonna want to show you that he is worth your time and your effort. In closing, what all of this really just means is that embodiment, it means that it's gonna change what you tolerate and what you don't tolerate. And when you have standards with a backbone, it's gonna make it so much easier. You make the decision, this is what I want. And if I don't don't see it or receive it, then this is how I react. It also makes it so much easier in the moment when the confusion starts. And I'll be honest, sometimes I still get a little confused, but then when I take a step back and really think about it, then I make a decision about how I'm gonna move forward. But it's so much more natural than it used to be. And I know that when you reach this stage, you're gonna find that as well. When you start to feel confused, that's actually a red flag of why. What is going on here? Is it just because I didn't understand, or is it because I'm dealing with emotionally unavailable man that wants me to be confused, that wants chaos because it's gonna, you know, get me off my game. And what you're also gonna find is that emotionally unavailable men don't just disappear. When I say they fall away, I'm not implying that they don't still show up because oh, they do, they still show up. The difference is I see it for what it is, and I don't engage. I stop interacting with them, I state my boundary directly or indirectly, and I hold it. And I'm finding that I do it just naturally now. It does become easier. You know, remember when you started to drive a car? Remember that first time when you're 15, 16, and you get behind the wheel, you're terrified, you're shaking, you're jerking, particularly if it's a if it's a stick shift. Everything you have to think about so hard. Turning, oh, remember to turn the turn signal on, remember to hit the brake, you know, if you're dealing with a clutch, all that timing, it's a lot of emotional effort. But over time, it becomes easier. And now at this age, we don't even think about it. It's just autopilot for us. And I I promise you, if you work at this, that enforcing your standards is become is going to become automatic as well. And those emotionally unavailable men, they will continue to show up, but you know what? They're just gonna disqualify themselves when they demonstrate that behavior, then you'll know. And you are opening the door. Every time you say no to an emotionally unavailable man, you are opening that door to an emotionally willing one. When you're not distracted by the shiny object over here, that is the emotionally unavailable over here, is that emotionally willing man waiting because he wants a woman with standards, standards with a backbone. He wants a woman who's empowered and embodies what she wants. That's attractive to him. You're actually going to magnetize him. Maybe he's seen you in a room where he never saw you before. If any of this just resonated with you, if you're having that feeling of, you know what, this is this is she's describing exactly what what my experience has been, either in dating or relationships. I'm so tired of being nice. I'm so tired of not saying what my standard is and backing it up. I am ready to stop engaging with emotionally unavailable men, and I am ready to start magnetizing the emotional willing and have relationships that really meet me where I am. If that's you, then I encourage you to book a magnetic connections call. And let's talk about where you are, what's holding you back, and what your next step is. The link's gonna be in the show notes. And please make sure to tune in to next week's episode. It's gonna be part two of this embodiment series, and we are going to be talking about what the real cost is of embodiment, the social and emotional cost, and why a lot of women actually go back to their old behaviors because they feel like the cost is too high. You have the power. You are not too much. You are just accepting too little. Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth, Freedom, and Road Connection. If something landed while you were listening, pay attention to that. Emotionally unavailable men aren't a mystery to solve. They're information. They show you exactly where you've been waiting, minimizing, or tolerating what doesn't actually work for you. This podcast isn't here to teach you how to manage that dynamic better. It's here to help you stop participating in it. When you leave a present, clear standards and stay angry for yourself, pattern changes. Not because it's something different, but because you do. If this episode does something in you, like it, share it, and subscribe. So you stay connected to my best. You're not asking for too much. You're just done betraying yourself.