85: The Cost of Standards No One Talks About - Why Everything Feels Harder Before It Gets Better

You thought raising your standards would make your life better.

So why does it feel harder?

Why does it feel like everything is falling apart instead of coming together?

This is the part no one talks about.

 This is Part 2 of a 3-part series on embodiment.

When you stop abandoning yourself…
you stop being easy to be with.

And that comes with a cost.

In this episode, we’re breaking down what actually happens when you embody your standards:

• Why people start reacting differently when you change 
• What it really means when you’re labeled “too much,” “rigid,” or “cold” 
• How raising your standards doesn’t just change behavior… it removes access 
• Why loneliness becomes the biggest trigger to go back

Because here’s the reality:

You’re not struggling to know what you want.
You’re struggling to hold the line when it costs you something.

And sometimes that cost looks like:

Walking away from a relationship that isn’t aligned
Losing friendships that no longer fit
Sitting in loneliness longer than you expected
Being misunderstood by people who benefited from the old version of you

But the cost of abandoning yourself?

It’s higher. 

This episode is for the woman who knows she wants more…
but feels the pull to go back just to escape the discomfort.

We’re going to ground you in what’s actually happening
so you can stop questioning yourself
and start trusting what you already see.

Because:

You’re not asking for too much.
You’re just done accepting too little.

Connect with Darla Ridilla: 

3 Keys to Magnetizing Emotionally Available Men masterclass: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/masterclass

Book a Magnetic Connections Call: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/call

Website: https://www.highvaluewoman.info

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

We have to be willing to be misunderstood. We have to be willing to be the victim in somebody else's story. We have to be willing to act on those standards and let the chips fall where they may. And if men in our life lose access to us at whatever level they're at, whether that's a boyfriend, someone you're just dating, a marriage, the cost of you continuing to abandon yourself is too high, even in that discomfort. Welcome to You Have the Power, The Road to Truth Freedom, and Real Connection. This podcast is for women who are done asking why emotionally unavailable men keep showing up and are finally ready to change the way they relate. The chemistry is always there, the potential looks promising, but the consistency, depth, and emotional presence just never fully arrive in you right. And this isn't about fixing yourself or it's about recognizing where you've been connected. Here we work through the magnetic connection pathway. Agency empowerment. Because emotionally unavailable men aren't the problem. They're the feedback. And when you stop managing relationships that require you to disappear, emotionally willing men are magnetized to you. Let's begin. This is going to be part two of a series on embodiment. If you listen to the first episode, that was about standards with the backbone. Part of embodiment is having those standards that are strong. And part two, we're going to talk about what the cost of those standards are. When you realize what you want in life and you ask for it, you hold people to the line of giving it to you and you deny access. What happens next? Because I think a lot of people don't talk about the actual cost of standards. You know, maybe there's this toxic positivity thing going on, like just tell them what you want and you'll get it. But there is this gap that happens, and I am living some of that in real time right now myself, where you raise your standards, and then the people around you don't react very well to them. While we are focused on romantic relationships in this conversation, it's going to filter out into other areas of your life. Some women struggle so much with being in that pain point of that intense discomfort that feels unbearable, that they go right back to the way they used to do things because they feel like, gosh, what's happening? I thought things were going to get better in my life, but they feel like they're getting worse. And what is happening is that when we decide that being respected is better than being liked, we're not going to be liked by a lot of people. And when we change, it really sheds a light on everybody else and their behavior. And some are ready to be in the light and some want to stay in the dark. And for those people that stay in the dark, it's in their best interest that you stay who you were, because then they don't have to change their behavior. Because if you're asking something different from them, they have to give different. And they want that access with the same level of commitment or whatever it is, whatever that man is doing or not doing, he may not be willing to change. When we're embodied and we act on our standards, it comes with a level of responsibility. It comes with a level of understanding that we have to be willing to be misunderstood. We have to be willing to be the victim in somebody else's story. And that we have to be willing to act on those standards and let the chips fall where they may. And if men in our life lose access to us at whatever level they're at, whether that's a boyfriend, someone you're just dating, a marriage, the cost of you continuing to abandon yourself is too high, even in that discomfort. You know, I have had different stages of experiencing this cost of my standards. And they've been at all different levels. Sometimes it's been baby steps. Sometimes I've taken a few steps back, and sometimes I have major leaps of progress. But if we look back at who I was 15, 20 years ago, I wasn't anywhere near to the person I am today. And I was very accommodating in relationships. While I did speak out, and sometimes I was a little too aggressive, I wasn't expressing my needs in a healthy way. And I'll go so far as to say in my first marriage, I was quite controlling. But control comes from a level of fear. And when we are fearful of someone's reaction, that actually gives that reaction power. And part of having those standards with a backbone is not giving that reaction power. That reaction is data, so you know how to move forward. And I gave men second chances right up to the very last relationship that I was in. That is the relationship where I stopped it for good. And I said to him that night when I broke up with him, we're done. I'm not giving second chances. This is your chance right now. If I walk out the door, it's over. Before I walk out the door, if there's anything that you want to say or do to stop me from doing that, now's the time. But I couldn't do that even two years ago. I tolerated inconsistency. I gave him the benefit of a doubt. I told myself that I was being too judgmental too early. What I didn't know is that I wasn't. I was actually abandoning myself every time that I let a man back in my life, that I gave him access without it being earned, and that I gave in to his wishes, even though it was out of alignment with mine. And when we start to change our game, when we start to react differently, like I said earlier, those people who were benefiting from the old version of us do not want to see the new version because it changes their dynamic too. It doesn't affect just you, it affects them. Particularly in men, particularly you talk about a man that wants a situationship. He's benefiting from keeping you in confusion and you not saying, I need clarity or I'm gonna move on. I've been in the situations where a man just wanted to have a situationship and he was up front with it. And yet I chose not to listen to that. And I guess there was a part of me that hoped he would change his mind. How many of you have been there, right? If he just loves me enough, if I just am kind enough, I give enough, he'll realize not only is this important to me, but it will become important to him too. And then we give him that access without commitment and we compromise everything that we want. And then we wonder why we're unhappy, why we wonder why we're not sleeping at night, we wonder why we our chest feels tight. I'm not saying all men, because not all men do this, but there are men out there who, when we talk about keeping you in confusion and chaos, they do this on purpose because they want the access, but they don't want to do the work and they don't want to give you that level of commitment that you want. I once knew a guy who confided in me something that made me really uncomfortable. He told me that his girlfriend really wanted to get married. They'd been together for about 10 years, and a few years back, he had proposed to her. He gave her an official engagement ring. And she is under the impression that they are gonna get married one day. He's just, it's just now is not the right time. And he shares with me, oh, I have no intention of ever marrying her. I just didn't want to lose her, and she wanted to get married, so I'm just gonna keep stringing her along. This is an example of what men will do to continue to get access, but play with your emotions to get them. Let's use this example. And let's say this woman starts to understand, wait a minute, it's been several years, and he keeps putting off the wedding. What if he doesn't have any plans to get married? What if I'm done waiting? Whether he does or he doesn't. And she gives him that ultimatum. You know, there's two sides to that story. She could give him the ultimatum and he marries her. He does something he doesn't want to do. That relationship is doomed anyway. That is an open door for contempt, for resentment. If he hasn't done it after several years, he doesn't plan on it. Being the woman that I am today, and I were in that situation, I would say, you know what, if you haven't done it by now, you're not going to. So I'm going to walk away. I wouldn't even give the ultimatum. I would just leave. But think how either way that goes, he has to do something to either get the access and keep it, or he's going to feel the pain of losing that access. And when he loses that access, how is he going to react? I told you we're going to get married. I've told you it's not the right time. You always want so much from me. You want too much. Why is this so important? It's just a piece of paper. He's going to say all kinds of things to get you to back down. Once you've given someone an ultimatum, once you've given them a standard, it's super important that you don't back down. Most of us women are mothers. When you tell your child, no, you can't have that candy bar in a grocery store, particularly if they're around two or three, and then it continues into older age if it's not niffed in the bud. Let's say it's a three-year-old child. No, honey, you can't have that candy bar today. They're going to throw a fit, they're going to start whining, they're going to cause a scene, they're going to start crying, yelling, screaming, whatever it is. If you give in to that child in the moment and give them the candy bar anyway, what did you just teach them? My boundaries, my rules, they're flexible. And if this child yells loud enough, they will get what they want. Well, that dynamic doesn't change as adults because men, particularly men, children, will do the same thing. They don't get what they want. They're going to throw the equivalent of an adult tantrum. And if you give in, you just showed them how far they can push you and get away with it. And I'll bet you money they're going to push harder next time. And then that gap gets wider and wider of what you tolerate and what you don't. When you raise your standards, you're not just changing behavior, you're limiting access. If you're labeled as being too much, rigid, expecting too much, wanting too much, whatever the line is that he uses to deflect the responsibility back onto you. Remember, you haven't done anything wrong. It's just that the dynamic is no longer working for him. And like that child in the store with the candy bar, he wants his candy and he wants to get it from you no matter what it costs you. Because once again, men aren't going to react to your growth. They're reacting to the loss of who you used to be. And when I said that this is going to spread out into other areas of your life, there may be friends who don't understand your reaction, why you left the relationship. Let's say you are living with this guy or you're married, or maybe you're still in the dating stage, but he's doing the whole love bombing wooing thing. What do you mean you left him? He was buying you all this these expensive dinners, and look, he got you gifts, or you had a nice house, and you know, or this or that. I mean, whatever it is. He seemed like he was so nice to you. All these things that they bring up, because they're projecting their own values, their own standards or lack thereof onto you as well. And what often happens is when our standards in our romantic relationships rise, it affects our friendships too. And this happened to me during my last breakup. I met him through my best friend. And when I was just completely heartbroken and went out to dinner with her to just kind of vent and get some support, I was shocked that during that dinner conversation, she made the comment that, well, there's not a lot of men to choose from around here. Can't you just give them another second chance? I was appalled. That statement ended our friendship because I realized I could no longer go to her for advice because it wasn't she was not a bad person. She was the furthest thing from it. In fact, I saw her as a beautiful woman on the inside and out who was also compromising what she deserved. And I realized as I raise my standards and I expect more from men, and she's not doing the same, our values are no longer compatible. And I had to end that friendship. And it was hard. And it it still hurts a little bit because I so respected this woman. And yet I had to walk away. But I also realized I'm opening the door to better friendships, to better romantic relationships. She probably doesn't understand. The men that I've left behind probably don't understand. The friends definitely don't understand. But I'm not judging them. I'm not making myself better than them. I'm simply honoring my standards, and whoever is in alignment with that continues to be in my life. And whoever isn't doesn't. If we look at this situation with a friend in a different perspective, let's say I said that, no, I'm not taking him back. I mean, I literally just sat there for the last hour and gave her all the reasons why I broke up with him. If she had come back to me and said, Oh wow, I didn't think of it that way. You know what? Actually, you're right. That's probably why I've been dating the guys I've been dating. Maybe I need to rethink my standards. That would have preserved the friendship because now she's growing and she's growing with me. But she chose not to. And that's her choice. She is absolutely allowed to make that choice. The man that I left behind, he chose his comfort and his dysfunction over his love for me. And he's allowed to make that choice too. But because of that, I'm also allowed to make the choice of breaking my own heart and walking away. You know, the old version of me desperately wanted to be understood. If someone didn't understand a boundary or a rule that I had, it was so important to me that they did. Like I would argue to the cows came home because I wanted them to understand it. Now I realize that's not necessary. First of all, no is a full sentence. If I want to explain, okay, fine, I can. But I find in most incidences, particularly with men children, explanations are just wasted energy. If they haven't been able to see the problems that you've brought up to them up to this point, because you know with any breakup, it didn't just happen suddenly. It's been going on for a while. You've been coming to them and you've been saying, Hey, I don't like this, and they've chosen to ignore it or not hear it. They're not going to hear it in the moment where you put your foot down. Because emotionally unavailable men don't want to. They don't want to grow up. They don't want to own up to their own behavior. They don't want to entertain that maybe they need to do something different. But an emotionally willing man, he may misunderstand it in the moment. He may get upset, he may argue, he may say, I don't want to hear this. But the difference is an emotionally unavailable man is not revisiting that conversation. He wants to shut it down as fast as possible because he's uncomfortable. An emotionally willing man is going to feel that same discomfort. But just like you are sitting in your discomfort in your new standard level, he's going to be willing to meet you there in his own and say, wow, you know what? I don't understand this. I'm upset. I don't agree with you. But let's sit down and have a conversation. Help me to understand. I want to understand. I may or may not agree with you at the end of this conversation, but I'm willing to hear you out. And then you can make a decision as to how you proceed. If he's emotionally willing, most likely that conversation's going to go well. Having a conversation like that is not negotiation. It's actually very productive. If you've ever heard of the Gottman method of communicating, I really like it. It's when you say something, you have the floor, and then the person repeats back to you, this is what I think I heard. Is that correct? Then you go back and you say, yes or no. If it's not, you say, no, actually, that's not. This is what I was saying. There's no yelling, there's no fighting. It's all seeking to understand. And if you are with an emotionally unavailable man who just doesn't want to go there, like I said, there's nothing else you can say that's going to convince him otherwise. And overexplaining is just no longer of benefit to anyone. It never was in the first place, but now we know it's not of a benefit. And silence on your end is not confusion. It's a boundary. It's a decision. No answer is an answer. You know, we talk about our bodies. I know back in the past, I was not aware of my body sensations. And I had a lot of suppressed trauma. I grew up in a very abusive home, got involved in an abusive marriage. And it was through my training and somatics that I became very aware of my anxiety attacks. When something fell off to me, my abusive husband, things felt off from day one. And I ignored it. He was chummy with his ex-wife, which seemed off. He was willing to steal his quote unquote friend's wife from him, but I ignored those red flags. I stuffed it down. When I look back, I sensed it all. I just didn't know I was, or I pretended I didn't know. But you get that, you know, that tightness in your chest, that ick feeling, that, you know, when you're like, ugh, God, that I don't know what that is, but it doesn't feel good to me. Feeling. You feel your body tighten, pull back. Your body's always been talking to you, but in the past you just weren't able to hear what it was saying. But now, now you can start to listen to it because your body's not going to lie. Your body is always going to tell the truth because your body is just no longer available for what your mind used to justify. And this is where I just really want to get raw and authentic with you and share with you how in real time I'm going through this gap. I'm going through the pain of the raising the standards. And in my dating life, I haven't dated anyone in a year and a half. I haven't even gotten to the first date. And that is because my standards are high and I really want something specific. And I'm not willing to compromise what I want anymore. It's not because I can't attract a man. It's just I haven't attracted the right man yet. There's a duality in me right now, though. Every day I'm single, I actually become more okay with being single. I recently had to take a job outside the home to supplement my income. And sometimes I work really long hours and I'm engaging with customers all day long. When I get home, I only have to deal with me and my dog. I have to say, at this stage in my life, it's actually really nice. There's this one part of it that says, oh, I don't have to engage in conversation with anyone. My dog is happy to see me. She gets her treat. We're good. But then the duality comes in because I miss sharing my day with someone. I miss coming home and sharing the good and the bad and the ugly. I have to have some kind of intellectual connection with them as well. And I miss that. And there are days where that loneliness gets really overwhelming. And there are days where I want to give in to my standard. This is too hard. This is too painful. This is taking too long. Because I miss physical touch. I miss conversation. Some days I get really angry because I have to do everything myself. I have to run the household. I have to make the money. I have to clean the household. I have to walk the dog. I have to cook the meals. I have to do the dishes. There's no one to share the load. I want partnership, but I no longer want it at a cost of betraying myself. There are moments that I want to say yes. But I know when I choose not to, it's because the long term benefit is much more attractive to me now. Just today I was at the dog park and my dog started running around with this other dog, and this guy struck up a conversation. With me. I don't know if he did it just to be friendly or if he was interested. I don't know. But I thought at first I'd had a bit of a rough day today. So the first couple of minutes I was kind of standoffish and didn't really engage much. But then I thought, okay, maybe this is a good way to kind of forget about what upset me right before I left. And so I started to engage a conversation with him. And we both loved our dogs very much. Um, he had lived in Arizona, so we had some things that were in common. Um, he liked paddle boarding. And so I started to let my guard down just a little bit. Okay, I don't know if he's interested or if he's just being friendly, but I'm just gonna kind of test the waters a little bit to see if I am interested. And so I started to ask him questions. Well, what brought you to Durango? You know, oh, that's interesting. How did you, how did you adopt your dog? And I started to notice something important. He talked a lot at me. While what he was saying was of interest to me, he talked a lot and he never asked me questions. And then when it became really apparent that he was over talking, is my dog ran off at a section of the river where she could cross it on her own and run into the street. And so I had to go find her and bring her back for her safety. And he kept yammering at me, and I had to say, Hey, hold on a second and bring her back. Then I realized this guy's talking too much. So, two problems with that. For me, that's a sign of insecurity. When a man talks and talks and talks and talks and never takes a breath and never asks you one question. That's not what I'm looking for in a relationship. I'm looking, I'm I'm okay if a guy talks a lot. My last ex-husband was a real talker, but he was fun to talk with because it was an exchange. I noticed when I said something, he didn't dive deeper into it. He started to tell me something about himself. The other thing was that he didn't ask questions. If he had at least asked questions, then maybe I would have felt differently about it. So as he followed me out of the dog park, we were walking our dogs back to the car together, and I just was done. So I just said, Hey, it was really nice to meet you. Nice talking to you. See you later. And then I just walked down the path to my car. Why I tell you this story is because in the past, I would have said, Oh, wow, I'm being really judgmental. Oh, well, maybe he's just nervous. You know, you make all these excuses. And what if he was interested? And what if he did ask me out? I would have said, Oh, okay, sure, let's do that. Today I was like, if for some reason he asked me out when we get to our car, I'm just gonna say no. I'm just I'm being polite. And he didn't do anything wrong per se. He just didn't do what I was looking for. And I would have been like, eh, no, I'm good. I'm I'm not interested. But thank you for the you know, the request. That's nice. But anyway, even sitting in my loneliness in this moment today, I had the strength to say, you know what, I'm gonna continue to be uncomfortable here because he's not what I'm looking for. Because every time that I gave in in the moment to something that was out of alignment, I paid for it later. And the reason, Nez, is that every time I say yes to someone who's out of alignment with what I want, I'm saying no to someone who is. I am pushing, getting the man that really is good for me and healthy, pushing that further down the timeline. Because I'm wasting my time and energy on this person. As women, when we let that loneliness drive our decisions and drive our behavior, it's not that we don't know that we shouldn't be doing it, it's just we feel we can't. I understand how intense and unbearable that pain of loneliness and rejection can feel. I feel it at times myself. And in the beginning, I felt it all the time. I felt it a lot. But what I found is I as I kept honoring my standards and I kept filling my life with things that I enjoyed, that I became more and more content with waiting it out. The pain of where I am is actually worth it because it's making me better every day. It's molding me. It's actually making me more attractive to the man that I'm looking for. Because that emotionally unavailable man, he doesn't want you to sit in that pain. He wants you to give into it. But an emotionally willing man, oh, he's gonna find a woman who knows what she wants and sticks to it pretty darn sexy. He may not like it in a moment when you set a boundary he doesn't care for, but he it's gonna sit in his mind that this woman's not a pushover, she's an equal, and that's what I want. Remember, the woman that you're becoming, she doesn't negotiate her standards just to get rid of discomfort. She chooses alignment, even when it costs her in the moment, and she's willing to be alone because that's better than being with someone who isn't in alignment with what she wants. And I I want to remind you that being in embodiment isn't about doing it perfect. As I mentioned to you, I had steps forward, steps back. It's a process, it's a peeling of an onion, it's learning a new way of being, and you just won't do it perfect. I make mistakes all the time. I've decided it doesn't matter how many times I fall down, it's how many times I get back up. And every time I get back up, I take that opportunity to say, How could I do it better next time? It's when you're like you're learning a new skill at work. Do you give up after the first few tries? Or do you say, you know what? How to how can I improve that next time? And relationships are the same way in your standards because you're not asking for too much, you're just done accepting too little. And if you're listening to this and this just hits home for you, I really want to stick to my standards, but I just don't know how. I I just can't seem to make them stick. But I do want to be what my future self can be. I'm ready. I am ready to sit in that discomfort because I know there's so much so much something better for me on the other side of it. Then I'm gonna ask you to book a magnetic connections call. This is a 30-minute free call. It's not a coaching session, this is a decision point where we just sit and talk about what the patterns have been, how it's affecting your relationships, and what your next step is to getting to that empowered future self that is inside of you. The link to my calendar is in the show notes. In the final episode of this three-part series next week, we are going to be talking about what it means to be single on purpose. If you're single, what does it mean to be okay with being on your own? And if you're in a relationship dating or in a marriage, what does that look like too when you've gotten past the hurdle of not giving in to the discomfort in your relationships? And if you choose to be single on purpose, it's not a status, it's a standard. It's where you are no longer available for anything that requires you to abandon yourself. Because remember, embodiment sometimes means removing access, explanation invites negotiation. And every time you say yes to misalignment, you are saying no to what is aligned for you. And finally, you are not asking for too much, you are simply accepting too little. Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth, Freedom, and Road Connection. If something landed while you were listening, pay attention to that. Emotionally unavailable men aren't a mystery to solve. They're information. They show you exactly where you've been waiting, minimizing, or tolerating what doesn't actually work for you. This podcast isn't here to teach you how to manage that dynamic better. It's here to help you stop participating in it. When you believe for present, clear standards, stay paper in yourself. Not because of it. Share it and subscribe. Stay connected too much. You're connected for too much. You're just done betraying yourself.