89: How to Stop Overthinking and Start Trusting What You See

You’re not overthinking him…

because you don’t understand him.

You’re overthinking him…

because you don’t trust what you see.

So you stay in your head.

Analyzing.
Replaying.
Trying to figure him out…

instead of making a decision.

But here’s the reality:

Overthinking isn’t clarity.

It’s avoidance.

Because discernment?

Discernment doesn’t ask more questions.

Discernment observes…

and decides.

Emotionally unavailable men will keep you thinking.

Keep you guessing.
Keep you hoping.

Emotionally willing men?

They don’t require analysis.

They move toward you.

They make it clear.

So if you’re stuck trying to figure him out…

you’re not using discernment.

You’re in a story.

And this is where it shifts.

In Part 3 of the Rumination vs Discernment series, this is where you stop thinking…

and start choosing.

 In this episode, you’ll see how to:

• Feel attraction… without attaching to it
• Observe his behavior instead of decoding it
• Stop overthinking in real time
• Let his actions answer the question
• Decide from clarity instead of waiting for it

Because discernment isn’t cold.

It’s grounded.

It’s calm.

It’s the moment you stop trying to understand him…

and start believing what he’s already shown you.

And here’s the part that might hit:

You’re not stuck because he’s confusing.

You’re stuck…

because you keep choosing potential over reality.

The woman you’re becoming?

She doesn’t sit in confusion.

She watches.
She decides.
She moves.

🎧 Listen now:
 How to Stop Overthinking and Start Trusting What You See

Connect with Darla Ridilla: 

🌐 Learn more about podcast mentoring and my 30-day podcast launch program: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/shareyourvoice

Free Course - You Have Something to Say: The 3 Shifts That Help You Stop Overthinking and Start Your Podcast - https://youtu.be/IcXzJDGDUtk

Relationship Coaching - https://www.highvaluewoman.info/relationship-coaching

Website: https://www.highvaluewoman.info

Sign up for mailing list: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/connect

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61550835718631

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/highvaluewoman7/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@HighValueWoman-m7w

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/darla-ridilla-3179b110/

Send me an email: highvaluewoman7@gmail.com

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:00

And you don't need to shut down your desire. You just need to stop letting it lead. You can want him, but you can also still observe his behavior. You can feel the pull of your attraction to him, but still require him to act first, to lead. Because emotionally unavailable men, they're gonna keep you guessing, but emotionally willing men, they're gonna move towards you. And the reality is if he's not leading, moving towards you, you're not you're not in something, you're in a story. Welcome to You Have the Power of the Road to Truth Freedom and Real Connection. This podcast is for women who are done asking why emotionally unavailable men keep showing up and are finally ready to change the way they relate. The chemistry is always there, the potential looks promising, but the consistency and emotional presence just never fully arrived. Agency empowerment. Because emotionally unavailable men aren't the problem. They're the feedback. And when you stop managing relationships that require you to disappear, emotionally willing men are magnetized to you. Let's begin. You're not still overthinking about him because there is something there. You are overthinking about him because he never gave you clarity. You keep calling it connection, but what you're actually feeling is confusion. And confusion is not chemistry. Let me show you what that pattern looks like. You meet a man and you feel attraction, you see potential, and instead of watching what he actually does, you start trying to figure him out. You analyze what he did, you replay what happened, and in each replay, you're looking for meaning in what he did or maybe even didn't do. And the more inconsistent that he is, the more attached you become. The reason is emotionally unavailable men, they do not create connection, they create confusion. The reality is while you are feeling that confusion and allowing it, you are avoiding what clarity is going to require of you. Because when confusion is presence, and if you accepted what that behavior means and what's what it's showing you, it's going to require that you walk away. And part of you doesn't want to. So if you stay in your head and you justify his behavior, then you no longer have to face the truth. But clarity doesn't come from overthinking, it comes from observing his behavior. Rumination means you're trying to decode him. But discernment means that you're observing them and making decisions from those observations. I know what that's like. I used to be a chronic ruminator. But here's what I've discovered the discernment allows me to want him. It allows me to desire him without attaching to it. This is what I teach inside the magnetic connections pathway. Presence is being able to feel that attraction without creating a story inside my head. Agency is choosing how I'm going to respond instead of reacting to his inconsistency. And empowerment is trusting what I see and acting on it. You create real magnetic connections when you start objectively observing his behavior and you stop abandoning yourself. And you don't need to shut down your desire, you just need to stop letting it lead. You can want him, but you can also still observe his behavior. You can feel the pull of your attraction to him, but still require him to act first, to lead. Because emotionally unavailable men, they're gonna keep you guessing, but emotionally willing men, they're gonna move towards you. And the reality is if he's not leading, moving towards you, you're not in something, you're in a story. And when we talk about rumination versus discernment, this episode is about how do we actually embody discernment? How do we utilize it? How do we live in discernment on our day-to-day life when there are so many things happening around us in our dating or relationships that can feel like rumination is needed? How does a woman actually start using discernment? And I'm not talking about that knee-jerk reaction where we're being judgmental and we are not giving him the opportunity to show who he really is. But I'm also not talking about giving him too much time, too much access. We're investing too much emotional labor. And I'm actually seeing this happen in my life in real time. What was very interesting is just recently I interacted with two different men within a 24-hour period. And the contrast was so unbelievable. It was like something that was in my face, and I just couldn't unsee. If we talk about the first man that I ran into, he's actually someone that I met a few months ago and had some interest. I'm a musician. I'm very much attracted to other men who are also musicians or who love music because music's my first love. It is everything to me. And it's one of the things that I require of someone that I'm going to be in a relationship with. They don't necessarily have to be a musician or be a great singer or you know play an instrument, but they do need to have a love of music and enjoy it. And I was participating in a karaoke contest and ran into this man. And I was actually pretty excited that he was there to see the competition. And I engaged him in conversation just to test the waters to see what he would do. And then I walked away because I wanted to see if he would take the hint. But while he was talking to me, they were announcing the finalist of the competition. The timing was bad. Maybe he wasn't thinking about it in his mind, but I had to stop him. And I said, excuse me, we'll continue this conversation, but I need to hear what they're saying. And I was one of the finalists that was being announced. So I was like super excited. I ran up to the stage right away to announce my song, what I was gonna do in the final round. And then I performed. And when I came back from performing my song, he wasn't at the table anymore. He'd moved to the table next to me. I thought that was a little odd. So I sat on my table for a few minutes, and then eventually I did go over and say, Hey, you were saying something to me. What was that? Well, he didn't remember what he was trying to say, which is a normal thing. Sometimes we get interrupted, we lose our train of thought, and he did compliment me on my performance, but it felt performative and obligatory. I decided to walk away, and he never came back to my table. I may have been curious about him for a while, but within that short time period, I actually got all the information that I needed. During that conversation, I saw a lack of passion, not just for his music, but for life in general. He seemed very emotionally stunted. I also observed during the night that he wasn't paying attention to the other performers. He was looking at his phone all night. As a musician, I get excited when I see other people perform. I'm not saying I never look at my phone sometimes, but I am engaged in what they are doing. I'm cheering them on, I'm complimenting them, I'm either tapping my foot to the music or dancing. There's some kind of interaction that's going on. Why anyone would come to a bar as a musician and then not pay attention to the performances and just be on their phone is a strange thing to me. In the past, would have analyzed this. Maybe he's having a bad night. Oh, maybe you know he just needed to be quiet for a while, but I don't do that anymore. To me, that was information. I don't need to justify his behavior. I'm just going to observe it and make a decision. He isn't what I'm looking for. This is not the type of man that I want. Not only did he not lead in the conversation, he withdrew. I almost got the impression he wanted me to chase him. And I don't do that anymore. When I walked away from him the second time, I just simply decided I'm not interested anymore. So if you fast forward just 24 hours later, there was another man that I was talking to, and his energy was completely different. Also a musician, very energetic, very charismatic, very much into the music. He also got to see me perform. And his reaction was very different. Not only was he excited about what was happening and engaged, he was telling the other competitors and the other singers, I'm excited about hearing you sing. And the compliment that I also received didn't feel performative. It felt genuine. I saw a general passion, not just for music, but for life. And I need someone who's also that way. And I felt the pull. I felt a strong attraction, not just a physical attraction, but an attraction to his personality. But in the past, this is where I would lose myself. I would create a story in my head of what was really happening. Oh my gosh, this could be the one. He has some qualities that I'm looking for. He's passionate, he's a musician, he was friendly, he's he's good looking. But all of those things don't necessarily add up, first of all, to a relationship, and second of all, to a healthy one. So instead of me creating a story in my head about what could be what his interaction may have meant, I decided to sit in reality. I'm not gonna chase him. I'm gonna sit back and see if he leads. Yes, I'm attracted to him, but I have no clue if he's attracted to me or if he's just being friendly. I don't even know if he wants to be in a relationship. I don't know what he's like in a relationship. Is he emotionally available? Is he emotionally willing? How does he handle conflict? What are his values and political beliefs? Those are important to me. I don't know any of that. I'm approaching this situation from discernment. I can feel attraction for this man, but I'm not gonna be attached to it. I'm not gonna fill in the blanks. No matter what he does or doesn't do, I'm gonna observe his behavior and make decisions based on that. Does he move toward me? Does he lead? Does he choose me? And if he doesn't choose me, that's okay too. Then he's not the one for me. We can share a friendly interaction and not have it lead to a relationship. And it's not a rejection, it's not a reflection of my worth. It's just where he is and where I am. That's it. What I'm not gonna do is what I've done before is waste three years of my life hoping, holding on to that hope, pushing aside red flags, and putting a lot of emotional investment into a man who never reciprocates, who either doesn't show any interest, who plays games, or is emotionally unavailable and moves toward me and then withdraws. Because that's what I did with the last person that I really, really liked, I was really attracted to, and I dragged that hot and cold crap on for three years. I won't do that again. I'll is I'll observe his behavior for a short amount of time, and if he doesn't take the lead, if he doesn't make a move, then I'm not gonna hold on to hope anymore. And in that evaluation time, I'm also open to going out with another person. I'm open to nothing may come of it. Because either way, I'm gonna be great whether I'm with someone or not. I don't have to ruminate about it because my life doesn't depend on it. My happiness doesn't depend on somebody else. Even if I do feel lonely in moments, that doesn't justify me holding on to something that may never be. And for you, this means that you just don't get stuck on a man because they're confusing. You get stuck because you're choosing their potential over their reality because you're not attracted to him, you are attracted to what you need him to become. But the woman that you're becoming, she doesn't sit in confusion and she doesn't wait for clarity at all, and she doesn't chase answers. If a man reveals to her that he's not gonna lead, that he's not really crazy into her, or he's willing to invest in himself in order to show up as a great partner, there's your answer. She's gonna be present with herself and she's gonna trust her intuition. If this man does lead, even if he makes a mistake or two, does he own up to it? Does he earn the access? Does he create a magnetic connection that feels healthy, that feels grounded, it just feels good. She's gonna choose that. And if he doesn't offer that, there's no need for that rumination because he's already provided the answer and the discernment comes in when she says, This isn't for me. I'm gonna choose not to engage. I'm gonna choose reality over potential. I'm gonna choose to always put my needs and desires first. I'm gonna choose to not buy into hope. I'm gonna choose to not buy into confusion. I want clarity, leadership, compatibility, and emotional willingness. Remember, you're not asking for too much, you've just been accepting too little. And discernment is really embodying that and being okay with that. And as a teaser for next episode, if you've ever walked away from a conversation and you just wondered why it just felt so heavy, something felt off, you somehow feel like you're the problem, that you asked too much. I'm gonna start a new series next week about reasonable and unreasonable request. And this isn't just about what you're asking for, it's what the men in your life are asking of you as well. Because emotionally unavailable men are gonna label you as too much, and what you're asking for as completely unreasonable. So be sure you join me. And it's something that this episode hits you, and you already know this this isn't just something that you just learned, this is something that you felt. You have felt the overthinking, you felt what it is like to be waiting, to be attached to the potential, and not have a man choose you. This is the part that I really want you to hear. It's not about him, it's about those moments where you saw the truth and you stayed anyway. It's about those times that you knew something felled off, but you talked yourself out of leaving. And every time that you chose potential, what you were actually doing was creating a pattern. And if you don't interrupt that pattern, you are going to continue to repeat it. And that pattern was with a different man, different situation, but the same outcome. And it was just more confusion, more overthinking, and more time invested, but nothing to show for it. The woman who is ready to the woman who's done, and the woman who's just tired of her own patterns, she'sn't just listening today to this episode. She is ready to do something about that pattern and change her behavior. She's decided I'm not doing this again, I'm not overriding myself again, and I am no longer gonna sit in confusion. And if that is you, I'm inviting you to take the next step. And that's the book, a magnetic connections call. The link is in the show notes. This is not a surface level conversation, this is where we're gonna look at your patterns, how you attach, how you overthink, and what the next step is in changing that pattern. Changing that pattern means you're gonna trust your intuition and you're going to feel safe with what you feel. You're not gonna be escaping into your head. You're gonna start leading yourself in the moment. You're gonna stop waiting for him, and you're gonna trust what you see. You're gonna finally choose differently. Because you don't need to give him more time. You don't need more answers or explanations from him. You don't need him to do something different. You simply need to stop abandoning yourself, and once you do that, everything's gonna change for you. You will change who you choose. You're gonna change what you tolerate. And it's not because the men are different, it's because you are. Because the woman you're becoming, she doesn't wait for clarity. She moves toward it when she sees it. Because you have the power. And now it's time to start choosing like it. Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth, Freedom, and Real Connection. If something landed while you were listening, pay attention to that. Emotionally unavailable men aren't a mystery to solve. They're information. They show you exactly where you've been waiting, minimizing, or tolerating what doesn't actually work for you. This podcast isn't here to have to make it better. It's here to help you stop participating in it.