95: Stop Overfunctioning - Why Emotionally Unavailable Relationships Collapse When You Stop Carrying Them

What if emotionally unavailable relationships aren’t surviving because the connection is so strong…

What if they’re surviving because you’re carrying both sides of it?

In Part 3 of the Standards With a Backbone series, Darla Ridilla goes deeper into the emotional labor women often carry in relationships with emotionally unavailable men:

• chasing clarity
• over-explaining
• waiting
• managing the connection
• accommodating confusion
• abandoning themselves to avoid being alone

This episode explores what happens when behavior starts determining access — and women stop emotionally sustaining relationships that only survive because they are the ones keeping them alive.

Darla shares:

• her recent dating app experience and why silence became information
• the difference between loneliness and self-abandonment
• how becoming “your own person” changes dating entirely
• the terrifying moment she left her second marriage with no money, no certainty, and no idea how she would survive
• why standards with a backbone sometimes means breaking your own heart to save yourself

This conversation is not about punishment, perfection, or controlling men.

It’s about self-trust.

Because emotionally willing relationships are not built through chasing, proving, or emotional exhaustion.

They’re built when you finally stop carrying what was never yours to hold alone.

Plus:
Darla shares a major new direction she’s stepping into involving podcasting, voice, visibility, and helping people finally share what they have to say.

And next week:
A brand new 3-part series on NO CONTACT begins.

If you’ve ever struggled to let go of an emotionally unavailable relationship…
you’re going to want to hear it.

Connect with Darla Ridilla: 

 🎙️ Launch Your Podcast Without Losing Your Mind
 A beginner course for people ready to share their voice
 https://www.highvaluewoman.info/shareyourvoice

Book a Magnetic Connections Call: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/call

3 Keys to Magnetizing Emotionally Available Men masterclass: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/masterclass

Website: https://www.highvaluewoman.info

Sign up for mailing list: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/connect

Send me an email: highvaluewoman7@gmail.com

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LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/darla-ridilla-3179b110/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Single is not a relationship status. It's a standard. And I really worked hard at being okay with feeling lonely at times, but not allowing that to drive my behavior and acting lonely. Because that's when I would self-abandon. That's when I would accommodate confusion. I would allow men to get away with things that I don't allow them to get away with now because I was desperate to feel loved. But what's more important to me now is that I don't outsource my identity. My identity and my worth live within me. It has nothing to do with what's going on with others outside of me. Welcome to You Have the Power of the Road to Truth Freedom and Real Connection. This podcast is for women who are done asking why emotionally unavailable men keep showing up and are finally ready to change the way they relate. The chemistry is always there, the potential looks promising, but the consistency, death, and emotional presence just never fully arrived. Here we work magnetic connection pathway. Agency empowerment. Because emotionally unavailable men aren't the problem. They're the feedback. And when you stop managing relationships that require you to disappear, emotionally willing men are magnetized to you. Let's begin. What if emotionally unavailable relationships aren't surviving because the connection is so strong? What if they're surviving because you are carrying both sides of it? And what if the moment you stop chasing, explaining, fixing, and managing the relationship doesn't survive. It's not because you failed, it's because you finally stopped doing all of the emotional labor. If you listen to part two of this series about standards with a backbone, we talked about how chemistry can create a false sense of certainty. I talked about the guy that I met and I felt like we really connected. And then I never heard from him again, and he didn't even remember who I was when I ran into him. We talked about how behavior is actually what should determine whether or not a man gets access to you. But once behavior starts determining access, there's something else that changes. You are gonna stop sustaining relationships that require you to chase, wait on him, explain away his behavior. So if you listen to the previous episodes, I talked about recently getting back on the dating apps and I had one person respond and he wanted immediate access for a motorcycle ride. And when I pushed back, because I don't know him, he immediately went silent. I didn't hear from him. And after 10 days, I made the decision to just go ahead and unmatch on the dating app. I just realized that his lack of communication was out of alignment for what I'm looking for. The old version of me would not have done that. I would have immediately thought, what did I do or say to scare him away? Maybe I need to message him again. An old script that used to run in my head due to my own childhood wounds was maybe he forgot about me. Maybe I need to message again. And this is what I a pattern I had with men in my past, where I would message them frequently or reach out or chase because I didn't want to be forgotten. I also thought about my profile and should I take off that I'm really a relationship coach. And I decided that, you know, I think I'll leave it on because it's part of who I am. And if that scares him off, better to know now than later. If he's going to be intimidated by the by the fact that I help other women to have healthy relationships and I expect one myself, well, he's definitely not the right guy for me. His silence was so much information for me. And he probably didn't even realize how much he was communicating in his silence. But I've learned to read those signs, and I considered it a way of creating confusion and uncertainty. And I wasn't interested in participating in that because I don't accommodate confusion anymore. And the standards that I have on my profile, they're filters and they're not walls. In the past, when I was either in a relationship or dating or single, it was all about finding the one. And I've talked before about how movies really kind of romanticize that the person who completes you. And I was always about, I need to find my person, because when I find my person, I'm going to be happy, I'm going to feel fulfilled, I'm going to feel loved. And sometimes we are so focused on finding that other person. We forget she's right there, right in front of us. Every time we look in the mirror. And as I've continued to grow over these past few years, particularly the last two years, I was already working on my own self-worth, self-validation, becoming my own person, becoming comfortable in being single and alone. But the past couple of years has been a huge game changer for me. I no longer associate my value and my worth based on my relationship status. And I really worked hard at being okay with feeling lonely at times, but not allowing that to drive my behavior and acting lonely. Because that's when I would self-abandon. That's when I would accommodate confusion. I would allow men to get away with things that I don't allow them to get away with now because I was desperate to feel loved. I'd love to find someone to share my life with. But what's more important to me now is that I don't outsource my identity. My identity and my worth live within me and has nothing to do with what's going on with others outside of me. And I've had to get really comfortable being in my own skin. I travel alone a lot. I often go out by myself a lot locally. In fact, I pretty much do everything alone. Just a couple of weeks ago, I went out to hear some live music. I actually took my dog because it's a dog-friendly place and tied her to the table and sat near the band so I could just dance by myself. And a couple of times I grabbed her paws and danced with her for a few seconds. But for a lot of that time, there was nobody else dancing. And I decided I didn't care. I was just going to have my own little party by myself. If someone joined me, which a couple of people did, great. Even better, in fact. Because I'm a musician and because my body moves with the music, I cannot sit still when music is playing. I feel the pull so strongly. And I decided I don't need to have someone ask me or invite me or be with me for me to still enjoy it. Standards with the backbone also means we're often going to have to let go of something. It's meant I've had to end relationships, friendships, marriages, situationships. Some I was glad as heck to get away from, others I grieved deeply for. But I realized that they were taking up space in my life. Because if I'm giving all of my time and attention to something that's not going to go where I want it to go, that's not healthy, that's not aligned, that's with an emotionally unavailable man, there's no room for an emotionally willing man to move into that space. If you have too many clothes in your closet, how the heck are you going to fit more in when you buy new ones? You have to let things go to make room for something better. And when we let go, I don't think, as I've said before, that there is a hard and fast rule as far as how long you should be single, how long you should grieve. I think it's different for everyone. While I do think if it was a marriage and particularly a long-term relationship, you probably should take a little bit more time than just a casual dating situation or a short relationship. But that hasn't always been the case for me. Now, after my last divorce, I was single for two years. I was heartbroken by that divorce. And I knew that I still had a lot of work to do because I went into that relationship thinking I was way more healed than I was. What I didn't consider is that I had been with a malignant narcissist for 10 years. I was still going to be making some mistakes and were never 100% healed. But I have to understand that I made the best choice I could with the person I was then. And I'm not that same person. Now, my last relationship only lasted two and a half months, but it took me a good six months to feel normal again. My barometer of when it's okay to get back out in the dating world after ending a relationship is this on a regular basis. Can I be alone and not feel lonely? And in those moments when I do feel alone, how am I behaving? Am I keeping my standards with a backbone in place? Or am I giving in and being desperate and then self-abandoning? And when I'm able to withstand the discomfort of being alone and still hold my standards, that's when I'm allowed to go back out in the dating world. Sometimes we have to break our own heart. Standards with a backbone doesn't always just mean saying no to a man you just met. Sometimes it means saying no to a marriage, and it means saying no to a relationship that you were really invested in. And sometimes it means following your intuition and listening to what your mind says over what your heart wants. When my second husband asked for a divorce, at the time I didn't know I was in a relationship with an abusive narcissist. I didn't see the red flags because I chose not to. So that request for a divorce came out of nowhere in my perception in that moment. When I look back, the signs were there that it was coming. But when he asked for a divorce, I was crushed. I was so devastated. Because in the 10 years I was with this man, I was so madly in love with him. I worshiped the ground he walked on. I would have given him everything that I had. And I very mistakenly trusted him implicitly and never even thought we wouldn't be together the rest of our lives. And within two days, he said he changed his mind. And I don't know where the strength came from me because I was such a shell of what I once was and am now. There was barely anything left of who I was as a scrapper, as a fighter, as a, you know, someone who stood up for herself. But somewhere in there was this that small shred of that Darla that survived a really crazy childhood. And she showed up when I needed her the most. And my standard with a backbone that day, even though my heart was dying, something in me said, absolutely not, you told me you wanted a divorce, and I'm not gonna stay where I'm not wanted, and I'm still leaving. In addition to the heartbreak that I felt, I was financially abused as well, which meant I didn't have a penny to my name and I was unemployed, and I had to figure out a way to get an apartment and pay for it. So it wasn't just about the emotional effects. There were some very real financial challenges for me. Even though in that moment I didn't know it was abuse, something inside of me knew I couldn't stay, regardless of what was ahead of me. I wasn't fully chosen. And even though I was just in the baby stages of figuring things out for myself and really coming into my own, I knew that that just wasn't an option for me. It was a lot of struggle that year, but it was worth it because I held my standard, my standard of I won't stay where I don't belong. And while it was like climbing myself out of a pit, that was really um, I look at it that year as like a Phoenix rising, because even through all of that despair and unknowns and stress, I built what was the beginning of a new life for myself. Because somewhere in there, I still trusted myself. I still knew I could take care of me. And I wasn't going to stay with a man just for financial reasons or because I didn't want to face the heartbreak that was in front of me in that moment that I left. And I had no idea how I was gonna get over the heartbreak, where the money was come from. It was like free falling. And what I found is in many areas of my life, I jump off the ledge and figure it out as I fall. But every time I do it, it gets a little bit easier because I've done it before. And that's what it is like leaving a relationship. If your standards aren't being met and they're not going to be, it's pretty damn scary, particularly if it's a long-term marriage or relationship and there's financial stress coming ahead. But what's more important is your emotional health. And stepping off that ledge is gonna feel scary. And while you're falling, it's horrible. And in some moments, you want to give up and you want to go back. But if you give up on your standards and you don't allow the fall to continue and sit in the discomfort, you are never gonna experience what it feels like to land on your feet afterwards. When you choose yourself and you leave a relationship and you jump, in that moment, it feels like the worst possible thing you could have done. But when you land on your feet, you look back and you say, Thank God I had standards with a backbone. Because in order to get here, I had to come from there. And when you have the bravery and the courage to choose your standards over the evidence of how it's gonna turn out, I can assure you, when you get to the other side of it, you will be amazed at how your life changes for the better. Not only will you personally grow, you'll believe in yourself more because you're gonna realize that being with an emotionally unavailable man is not worth any of the cost it asks of you. That being your person to yourself is the best gift you could ever give. As we close out this final episode on standards with a backbone, I want to remind you that standards are not about putting up walls, they are not about punishing people, they are not about labeling someone as necessarily a bad person. Standards with a backbone is a form of self-trust. And before we go, I want to ask you these questions. Where in your life are you still emotionally sustaining something that's only surviving because you're carrying it? Where are you accommodating confusion because that feels safer than letting go? And where would your energy return if you stopped chasing or improving and managing relationships and started just trusting yourself? And finally, are you willing to embrace your standards with a backbone and step off that ledge and feel the discomfort of the fall and then prepare to feel the empowerment when you land on your feet? And before we wrap up, there is something else really exciting that I want to share with you. Over the last two years of building this podcast, I've been learning the tech, I've been interviewing the guests, I've been creating the content, and I have made a lot of mistakes because I've had to figure it all out as I went. But I recently realized something. There are so many people walking around with something meaningful to say. They have a story, they have a message, a skill, an idea. They all have a voice, but they're so overwhelmed with how to share it and where to begin that they never start. So I decided to create a brand new course, and it's called Launch Your Podcast Without Losing Your Mind. This course is designed to help you go from idea to concept to recording and launching your podcast. And it's without getting stuck in all the perfectionism and information overload, and you don't have to figure out every moving piece by yourself like I did. Because the truth is, your voice actually does get clearer after you start. Podcasting has changed me in ways that I never expected. It wasn't just professionally, it wasn't just about learning all of the skills. I changed personally. If you've been following me, you know I started talking about narcissistic abuse recovery. But a year in, I realized my own recovery had shifted. And I was less focused on the past and more focused on the now and the future. So my podcast evolved right with it as my personal growth evolved. But I think that helped me to become more visible, more authentic. And it certainly helped me to trust myself. If there's something inside of you that's been whispering that I have something to say, this might be your invitation. See the link in the show notes to learn more. My passion is to help women to share their voices, whether it's in relationships or it's in a public platform. So I'm really excited about where this is gonna go. And so before we wrap up today, first of all, this podcast is not going anywhere because my love and passion of podcasting remains in my passion about talking about emotionally willing men and women breaking patterns with emotionally unavailable men still exist. So next week, we will start a brand new three-part series on going no contact. This is something that a lot of women struggle with emotionally, especially when a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable ends. Going no contact is not punishment and it's not playing games or manipulating. It's actually a form of radical self-respect. Because the hardest part usually isn't leaving. The hardest part is what happens after you do. The silence and the withdrawal and the urge to reach out again is really hard to disengage with. You're feeling grief, you're feeling loneliness. There's probably still a part of you that longs for that clarity that you just never got from that person. So we're gonna talk about why no contact is appropriate in certain situations, why it feels so emotionally intense, why women break it, why they they break their silence and why a relationship can feel so damn addictive, and what's really actually happening inside of you when you feel that addiction, and also when you stop feeding the addiction because sometimes healing begins the moment that you stop reopening that wound and you just leave it alone and you let it heal. I'm looking forward to seeing you next week. Thank you so much for tuning in. And remember You have the power. So now it's time to act like it. Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth, Freedom, and Road Connection. If something landed while you are listening, pay attention to that. Emotionally unavailable men aren't a mystery to solve. They're information. They show you exactly where you've been waiting, minimizing, or tolerating what doesn't actually work for you. This podcast isn't here to teach you how to manage that dynamic better. It's here to help you stop participating in it. When you lead from presence, hold clear standards, and stay anchored in yourself, the pattern changes. Not because men suddenly become different, but because you do. If this episode moves something in you, like it, share it, and subscribe so you stay connected to what's next. You're not asking for too much. You're just done betraying yourself. And that's when emotionally willing men are magnetized to you.