96: No Contact Isn't Punishment - It's an Access Strategy

One of the biggest misconceptions about no contact is that people think it's punishment.

It's not.

No contact isn't a punishment strategy.

It's an access strategy.

And every version of it asks the same question:

👉 Is this connection costing me more peace than it's giving me?

In Part 1 of my new series, No Contact & The Power of Silence, we're talking about:

🔥 The different types of no contact
🔥 Why some relationships require distance
🔥 The lie we tell ourselves about staying friends with exes
🔥 How emotional availability impacts future relationships
🔥 Why peace is a better metric than chemistry
🔥 The difference between punishment and protecting your energy

And the truth that changed everything for me:

"My peace is not worth the cost of your drama, your dysfunction, and your emotional unavailability."

This episode is direct.
It's challenging.
And it might completely change the way you think about access, boundaries, and letting go.

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Transcript

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My peace is not worth the cost of your drama, your dysfunction, and your emotional unavailability. And remember, no contact is not about whether this person was good or bad. It's really about whether their access to you is still aligned with every relationship we have in our life. We need to be asking some really basic questions on a regular basis, not just in the beginning. Does this connection bring peace into my life or does it cost me my peace? Welcome to You Have the Power of the Road to Truth Freedom and Real Connection. This podcast is for women who are done asking why emotionally unavailable men keep showing up and are finally ready to change the way they relate. The chemistry is always there, the potential looks promising, but the consistency, death, and emotional presence just never fully arrived. Here we work magnetic connection pathway. Agency empowerment. Because emotionally unavailable men aren't the problem. They're the feedback. And when you stop managing relationships that require you to disappear, emotionally willing men are magnetized to you. Let's begin. One of the biggest misconceptions about no contact is that people think it's just one thing. But it isn't. No contact is actually on a spectrum. But every version of it asks the same question. Is this connection costing me more peace than it's giving? Welcome to part one of a new series. No contact and the power of silence. When people think of no contact, they almost always go to blocking estrangement, cutting people off, never speaking to them again. But that is only one form of it. I'd like you to think of it this way: no contact isn't a punishment strategy, it's an access strategy. And in order to understand no contact, I think we just need to talk about the different levels and the different types of it. So the first type of no contact is that quiet withdrawal. This often happens in friendships, situationships, family dynamics, somewhere where you just stop participating and there isn't a big blow up, there isn't a dramatic exit, and there's no long explanation. Maybe you don't even announce it. You just quietly go silent. And inside of yourself, you're saying, this just no longer aligns with me. And you simply leave. To talk about some examples of that, in family dynamics, I am estranged and in a permanent no-contact situation with some family members. And I actually talked about that in an interview in episode 32. So if you want to go back and hear more about that from a family perspective, um, that is the episode to go to. Today we are going to focus mostly on romantic relationships, but I would like to touch on how no contact does show up in other areas of your life. As many of you know, I've had to leave many friendships over this past year or two. That included a best friend. And while with the best friend, I did message her and let her know I was stepping back. I did it with love, and then I disappeared. There are some friends where I didn't. I just simply went quiet. And part of that was I felt like in that situation, the explanation was going to cost me more peace than it was worth. Sometimes in early dating, we just go silent, particularly on the dating apps. We don't have to give a reason for someone to, you know, go ahead and unmatch their profile. We can just simply do it. If we're early in the dating stage, we can either just not call them back, or if we hear from them, message them and say, I'm sorry, this is out of alignment with what I'm looking for. I wish you well. When we talk about the second type of no contact, that is really more focused on, you know, the relationships, the romantic relationships. And that involves the breakups, could be a divorce. It's some form of a relationship that has ended, and access is ending as well. For me, when a romantic relationship ends, that means that the access to me also ends. And this isn't because I hate them. Sometimes I'm angry with them, sometimes I'm not. I just need to fully let go of them to create space in my life for something better. And when we go, no contact in a romantic relationship. If we've been dating for a while, if we're in a committed relationship or we're getting divorced, sometimes explaining why, especially in a divorce, is called for. And sometimes it's not. If you're involved with a narcissist, if you're being abused, if you're continually gaslighted, if you've tried to tell this person before why you're unhappy with the marriage, sometimes re-explaining yourself, it's not going to give you the closure that you want. It's not going to get understanding or some form of agreement from that other person. And sometimes it actually creates more drama, it can create more abuse, or it can create a trauma bond where it either it actually makes it harder to let that person go. No contact in a relationship for me looks like when we break up, we're not going to be friends, we're not going to stay in contact. After my last relationship, I will admit I reached out one more time. But here was the caveat I gave myself. I left very suddenly. And I felt like in the heat of the moment and in the focus of getting all my stuff packed and getting back home, that there were some things that were left unsaid. And when I did call him 10 days later, I made a promise to myself that I would never call him again. I would never reach out. That anything I had to say, I needed to say it in that conversation. I also went into that conversation accepting that he probably wasn't going to receive what I had to say very well. He wasn't going to be warm. He wasn't going to be apologetic. And that's exactly what happened. He was very cold and removed and act like a person I didn't know. So it really wasn't about him. It was about me using my voice to say the things that didn't get said at the night that I broke up with him. But beyond that, I never reached out again. After my last divorce, I did reach out periodically to my ex-husband because I took ownership of the dog that we shared. And he was our fur baby, our child per se. And when the dog got very ill two years before it died, and I knew that time was short, I reached out to let him know that, to give him the option to see the dog one last time. When Goliath died, he was the first person I called. But I also knew that was the last call I was going to make because it was inappropriate for me to continue to interact with him after that. I did interact with my ex-husband when my daughter was still a minor because we had parental things that we had to discuss and work through. So that was an appropriate contact. But beyond that, I don't talk to him. And now that she's been a grown adult for quite a while, I have no reason to talk to him. I may see him at a family event, but you know, beyond that, there's no reason to this isn't about animosity and hate. This is just about our marriage has been over for a very long time. I've moved on. I hope you've moved on too. And I have my own life now. In my romantic history, I've been involved with three narcissists. All three of them were abusive on one level or another. And all three of them have been banned from my life. And that was due to the abuse, the gaslighting, the manipulation. And so going no contact, but not announcing it, just cutting them off, blocking their number, blocking them on social media, sometimes removing friends who were connected to them and family members, because I didn't want any form of gaslighting, uh, flying monkeys. Um, I didn't want information about them. I didn't want to know what they were up to in their lives. Or I also removed people from my life that stay neutral on that topic because staying neutral is a decision and it is a side. When you know that someone's been abusive to your friend or your family member, and you choose to remain in contact with the abuser, that to me is supporting the abuser and not the victim. So there were people who were shut out of my life forever for doing that as well. But with the romantic relationships, that no contact was firm, permanent, and no going back. And it doesn't mean I didn't feel the pain of the loss because I did. But for my own peace, for my own personal safety and sometimes physical safety, I had to cut off either the romantic partner or anyone associated with them to protect me. And that's the most common form of no contact that most people think about. And one of the things that I also want to discuss in this episode is really the lie that we tell ourselves when we break up with someone and we we remain in contact with them. Maybe there wasn't a big blow-up. Maybe they weren't abusive. Maybe we just can't handle the thought of them not being in our life in any way, shape, or form. I hear this and I see this so many times. I've fallen into this trap myself. We tell ourselves that we can be friends with them after we've been romantically involved with them. My opinion is once you have romantically bonded with someone, had sex with them, shared a living space with them, been married to them, any of those, you no longer can be objective when it comes to future contact. If the relationship ended, there's a reason that it ended. And no matter what the reason was, they were not your friend in that relationship. And because of that, they cannot be your friend in the future. I know people who claim that, oh, well, we were just good friends. We we just couldn't be together as partners. And I'm going to be very frank and direct about my opinion of that. If you cannot let go of the past, you cannot make room for the future. If you want to have a healthy relationship with someone else, you have got to let go of past relationships. And that includes the lie you tell yourself that you can keep this person in your life and still maintain a healthy relationship with someone else. One of my standards is that I do not tolerate or date or get in relationships with men who remain in contact with their exes. My exception, of course, is if they are co-parenting, then they need to stay in contact in some form if they've got minors. But any interaction has to be just related to parenting or if there's a family event like a baby shower or something like that in the future when the when the child is grown. Beyond that, I don't want my man in some form of a friendship or relationship with any ex for any reason. And I'm not saying that you can't be cordial and polite to your ex-husband or your ex-partner while you're interacting with them because you're co-parents. In fact, that's actually advantageous to be polite and cordial to each other because it's showing your children how you can have a difference of opinion, how something can't work out, but you can still show respect for each other. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about they know details of your life. They are a regular part of your life. When you need something, you reach out to them for help. That you maintain some form of formal contact or friendship with them beyond the relationship. That's what I'm talking about. And for those of you who are going to dispute what I just said, I'm going to ask you to ask yourself some questions. Are you actually friends? Or are you attached to an old identity? Are you actually over the relationship? Or are you trying to keep your foot in the door? I'm not here to shame you. I'm just here to wake you up. I am telling you from experience that you have to let go. You have to stop telling lies to yourself. It's hard to let someone go out of your life when they've been a big part of your life or you've loved them, you've cared for them, you've spent years with them, maybe. The idea of never speaking to them again, never seeing them again, it's overwhelming. It's crushing. Because I've been there, but I can tell you when I finally decided that when it's over, it's over. And I break all contact with that person. How in the beginning it was very hard and very painful. But as time went on, it really supported my healing. It helped me to move on faster. And I created peace in my life much easier. And I had to say to myself, I'm trying to hold on to this friendship because I'm uncomfortable admitting that I'm still attached to this person and I don't want to let go. If you're still struggling with letting go and breaking that contact, ask yourself this can I really fully choose a future when I'm holding on to the past? When I talked about new contact being about access and not punishment, that really is the truth of the matter. That relationship ended because there was likely drama and dysfunction. Something didn't work for you, whether it was a big explosion or not. And when we make the decision that we are gonna go no contact with anyone, I think it's very important to say to ourselves my peace is not worth the cost of your drama, your dysfunction, and your emotional unavailability. I want you to hear this again. And remember, no contact is not about whether this person was good or bad. It's really about whether their access to you is still aligned. Because with every relationship we have in our life, we need to be asking some really basic questions on a regular basis, not just in the beginning, but does this connection bring peace into my life or does it cost me my peace because I'm keeping it alive? And before I leave you today, I want to challenge you with a final thought. How many years have you been silencing your truth to keep other people comfortable? How many times have you swallowed your words or minimized your voice or convinced yourself that what you had to say wasn't important enough to be heard? Because here is what I know women don't lose themselves all at once, they lose themselves one unsaid truth at a time. And this is why podcasting has become so important to me. It's not just about growing a business and it's not about building an audience, it's been about reclaiming my voice. As I've recorded these episodes, it has actually supported my own healing in speaking my truth. Not only did it shed a light on other people's truths, but it made mine more real, more attainable. It helped me to realize that what I have to say, it deserves to take up space. So what about you? What are those things that you are leaving unsaid? What is something that you've been dying to share with others, but you just haven't yet? If you have been thinking about starting a podcast, then this is your sign to stop waiting. Your voice gets clearer after you start. What I have found is that waiting till everything is just right, that you have the exact right message, the right equipment, that everything is perfect, that doesn't make for a great podcast necessarily. What I found is just starting and diving in is what helps get your message clear. Even when it's messy. And if there's something that you've been dying to share with somebody else, a skill you have, a thought, an interest, and you've been thinking about starting a podcast, this is your opportunity. It's your sign to stop waiting. What I found is that when we wait to have everything ready, everything perfect, the exact equipment, the exact right script, the topics all lined up, we just procrastinate. We tell ourselves that we want it, but we don't do it. But when you do it and you just dive in, that's when the magic happens. Because every time you share your message, you get better at it. And that's the only way to get good at it, is just to do it. And sometimes even when you show up messy, someone still says, I hear myself in that. And not only do you inspire them on the topic, you inspire them to share their voice as well. So if that's you, if you have been dying to share something, but you have been overwhelmed and you just don't know where to start, right now, I am offering founder member pricing and it's only available through June 30 of 2026. Whether you want a do-it-yourself roadmap, or you want one-on-one coaching with me to help you to start, or you actually want guidance from me, and then I set it up. No matter what level you're at, there's an option designed for you that will help you get your message out. The reality is most women they spend years preparing to be ready. But the woman who creates momentum, she decides to begin before she feels ready. You'll find the link in the show notes that shows all the details. And remember, the founding member prices, they do end on June 30th, 2026, and the bonuses will disappear along with them. So don't let this be another idea that you just keep putting off to someday because your voice matters. And now it's time to share it. And as we close, let's talk about next week's episode. Here's what most people don't tell you about no contact. Going silent, it doesn't just create distance, it creates clarity. And sometimes the truth that you discover in that silence, it changes everything that you thought you knew about the relationship. So in the next episode, we're talking about what silence reveals when love couldn't. Because silence has a way of revealing things that years of conversations never could. Sometimes it reveals who you were, but it also reveals who you've become. And sometimes it reveals that love was not the issue at all. So join me for part two. I'll see you next week. You have the power. And now it's time to act like it. Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth, Freedom, and Road Connection. If something landed while you were listening, pay attention to that. Emotionally unavailable men aren't a mystery to solve. They're information. They show you exactly where you've been waiting, minimizing, or tolerating what doesn't actually work for you. This podcast isn't here to help you have dynamic better. It's here to help you stop participating in it.