99: Change Doesn't Restore Access

What if they've really changed?

What if they finally got sober...

Went to therapy...

Took accountability...

Apologized...

Do you owe them another chance?

My answer is probably going to make a lot of people uncomfortable.

Because this episode isn't about whether people can change.

It's about whether their change automatically restores access to your life.

We'll talk about why some doors should stay closed, why protecting your peace isn't punishment, the hidden grief of holding high standards, why no contact can feel incredibly lonely before it becomes liberating, and why I reject the idea that forgiveness is a requirement for healing.

I'm also saying the quiet part out loud:

🔥 You don't owe anyone another chance.
🔥 You don't owe anyone reconciliation.
🔥 You don't owe anyone forgiveness.
🔥 And you certainly don't owe anyone access just because they finally became the person they should have been when you were together.

This isn't a conversation about bitterness.

It's a conversation about discernment.

If you've ever wondered whether you're "too harsh" for protecting your peace...

If you've ever felt guilty for closing a door that everyone else wanted you to reopen...

If you've ever questioned whether your standards are "too high"...

This episode is your reminder that consequences are part of life - and protecting your peace is not something you owe anyone an apology for.

Because sometimes the most loving thing you can do...

...is say no and mean it.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

And I feel very strongly that change does not restore access. It's a standard that I will stand on very strongly. And it's completely within my right to say to someone, I love that you change. But you know what? I've already moved on. And even when someone changes, it's completely within our rights to say, I choose not to participate in this next chapter of your life. Welcome to You Have the Power, The Road to Truth, Freedom, and Real Connection. This podcast is for women who are tired of feeling unseen, unheard, and disconnected from their own voice. Whether it shows up in dating, relationships, business, leadership, or just the conversations that you're afraid to have. The results are the same. You fight your tongue, second guess yourself, talk yourself out what you already know. And call it patron, understanding, or being the bigger part of it. Here, we explore the magnetic pathway. They're just one of the place that it happens. And when you stop drinking, stop putting it five in your stop. You stop feeling invisible in your own life. You stop wondering if you're asking too much. And you start showing up as a woman who knows her voice and knows it back. Let's begin. So what happens when they come back? What happens when the ex who said that he wouldn't change, now comes back and says that he has? And what happens when the family member that hurt you comes back and says that they want another chance as well? What happens when the person that broke your trust also says that they are different now? Do you let them back? My answer is going to surprise you. I do believe that it's possible for some people to change. But if they do, does that mean that they automatically get their access restored to you? Do they have a right to that? And my answer is no, it doesn't. This is the final episode, part three, of our series, No Contact and the Power of Silence. In the first episode, we talked about the different types of no contact and why sometimes no contact is necessary in different situations. And in episode two, we talked about when we remove ourself from a situation or relationship, how the silence during the no contact period actually reveals things in the relationship that we could have never seen if we were in the middle of it. It's a lot easier to be objective if we're observing a relationship from a removed space, if we're not immeshed right in the middle of it. And today we're going to talk about what happens if they do come back and they claim that they have changed. What do you do then? And why should you say no? And I know this topic is just going to make a lot of people uncomfortable because they are going to interpret it as being cold, bitter, closed off, too angry, that the no contact standard that remains sounds like a punishment. But remember, no contact is not about punishment. It's an access strategy. And sometimes that access strategy means that we just have to hold our ground. That, like I talked about in the last episode, there's been too many ruptures of trust or the damage is done. And there is a consequence for the behavior in the past that will continue in the future. So let's talk about that. Yes, there are some people that can take. They can get sober, they can go to therapy, they can actually become truly accountable for what they did. And this isn't always easy. It often means that they have to admit that they've hurt other people and they shouldn't have. It almost always means that they've confronted a childhood wound or a trigger that's been haunting them for a really long time. And the work isn't easy. And while we can commend someone for doing the work, it still doesn't mean that we have to take them back. And it doesn't mean that the change wasn't possible or isn't real, but it just doesn't affect the status of their access. And I feel very strongly that change does not restore access. It's a standard that I will stand on very strongly. And even when someone changes, it's completely within our rights to say, I choose not to participate in this next chapter of your life. An example is my ex-husband. He did get sober, say that he he came back at a later time and said, gosh, I did the work. I decided that AA by itself was not enough. And I went to a therapist or a counselor, and I really decided to face all of the fears and the trauma that I had as a child. And I realized that I put you in harm's way when it came to my father. I should have never done that. I should have never left you alone in the room with him. I realize now why you did leave me and why you chose to divorce me. Because all of my past decisions were interfering with your future and your stability. I got fired every six months. And you had to carry that burden. I should have never put you in that position. And I'll never do that again. I want another second chance. Because now I know what I've done and now I know how to prevent it in the future. And I would have to say to him, no. No matter how much I still care for him and how much I love him, his behavior in the past still has consequences in the future. First of all, whether he's legitimately changed or not, my internal trust level is gone. I would never be willing to put my heart on the line for that man again, let alone my financial security. And even if I was, I shouldn't be. Because he had two chances. And that's more than I give anyone now. You get one with me. And he didn't love me enough then to do the right thing. And to me, that's the biggest rupture of all. That is why he's denied access for good. This is why when I am dating someone, I no longer date their potential and I date their reality. Because that was the mistake that I made. Because when we date their potential, we're setting ourselves up for these situations. Now, when I date someone, they have to come to me. They're not perfect, they're not 100% healed because I am neither of those things. But they have to show up in this relationship, willing to take that accountability, willing to do the work while the relationship is happening. And if they can't to not give them the right to come back at any time, whether they've changed or not. Part of the learning process is actually dealing with the consequences. You don't have to like them, but you do have to honor them. If we had been in that marriage still and he had come back to me with those things, that would have been a whole other line. Also, with me, once I've crossed the line and I've moved on, can't go back. I have been like that my whole life, where I'm good until I'm not, I'm nice until I'm not. I'm accommodating until I'm not. And once I've reached the not line, there's no going back. It's done. Like when that final thing happens that I walk away for good, there's no one doing it. I can never go back to the way it was where I fully trusted that person. And it's the same thing with my sister. She had numerous times to make things right, to do something different. And she chose not to. And those choices also have consequences. And unfortunately, even after I made the decision to remove myself from her life, she chose over and over again to not respect that. She doesn't have to like it, but her continual attempts at inserting herself into my life against my will has only made the problem worse. I don't want to hear the bullshit of blood is thicker than water, they're family, they're this. They do not get a free pass. Anyone who creates chaos in my life to the point where I have to let them go does not get another attempt to re-enter it. If a family member is abusive, if a family member is disrespectful, if a family member is creating chaos in my life, it is okay for me to say, this doesn't work for me. I can't be in your life anymore. I'm choosing to leave you behind. And it doesn't matter who it is. If my mother were still alive today, I do not know if she would be part of my life. I did have a two-year period where I was estranged from her and did not speak to her. I did allow her back into my life, particularly the last year that she was there. And while some things were repaired, some were not, she went to her grave, never validating what my father did and how she participated because she allowed it and she didn't defend me. And you don't have to like it, you don't have to agree with it. And this isn't about being harsh, and this is not about punishing her. It's about a lack of respect and accountability that I'm not willing to tolerate. There are many people that are going to come back to you after you've let them go and they're going to say they've changed. Most have not. That boyfriend, that husband, that friend. The last relationship I was in, the third narcissist that I had, he did that. And I was stupid enough to fall for it. He sat there and cried and swore up and down he changed. And six months later, we were right back to where we had started. In fact, we were even further along because now I saw him for what he was. And I'm not saying that I don't believe people can change. What I'm saying is most of the time it's a ruse to get you back, to get you to put your defenses down. And even if it's not, you don't owe them that. You owe them nothing. This is why I say if they weren't motivated enough the first time before they lost you to do the work, they just don't have the right to come back later and say they did. What matters the most is protecting your peace. Because remember, my peace is not worth your dysfunction, your drama, and your emotional unavailability. Now, in the past, or in the future. If you're still in a stage where you're trying to figure out if you should go no contact with someone and you kind of need um uh a cooling down period, I highly recommend that. I think there's a reason that many jobs have a 90-day probationary period. There's something about that 90 days that it doesn't solve everything, it doesn't reveal everything, but it I think is a very good timeline for revealing what's most important. If you're thinking about ending them a marriage, a relationship, a friendship, a family dynamic, taking 90 days to not contact them at all for any reason is reasonable. If you feel like you should make a no contact rule, but you're not sure it's the right answer, do that first. See what comes up for you and be honest about no contact. No contact is you're not stocking them on social media. You're telling everyone that you're associated with, do not tell me anything about this person. It will be as if they don't exist. You don't call them, you don't reach out to them, you don't try to find out about them. You completely remove yourself from their world. And then in 90 days, see what comes up for you. I'm sure there's gonna be some guilt and all that other stuff because there's gonna be all these people coming into your life saying you're being too harsh, you shouldn't be doing this, especially with a family member. Don't listen to them. Listen to what your heart and your soul tells you. If you feel more peaceful, if you feel like you're better off without them in your life, then after the 90 days, make the decision you need to make. Here's the caveat, too. After 90 days, maybe you've lied to yourself to keep that objectivity in there. Have they done anything differently in those 90 days? Have they made any changes when you reach back out to them? Have they taken accountability for what they've done and made you feel? And even if you're struggling with it and they haven't done those things, no contact might be what you need to do. And this is what I've done for myself. Remember, it is not the answer for everyone. There are some people, particularly with narcissistic parents, who have decided to remain in a limited contact because that's what they need to do for themselves with very tight boundaries. Sometimes when you have to create those boundaries and enforce them, that can be just as crazy making as having no boundaries. Because if a person doesn't respect you, they're not gonna respect your boundaries. And I'm the type of person, I'm I'm just not going there. I'm not gonna do this. If you've already violated my boundaries, you're not gonna respect more. You're not gonna respect more confinements. Look at the example of my sister. I go no contact, I've been no contact for years, and she periodically will try to reach out. She didn't respect my attempts at wanting to be left alone a couple of years ago at a family event. And in fact, went so far as to interfere with me interacting with other family members and not just staying away and giving me my space. And I will tell you that when you put these standards in place, I don't think anyone gets away unscathed, particularly if it's a family member. There is going to be someone out there that is gonna push back or say you're being too picky or you are being cold, but you have to decide what's best for you. If that door needs to be shut, sometimes it needs to be locked and the key thrown away. I've had situations like that. That's your decision, and you don't owe an explanation to anyone as to why you did it. And for me, people who don't respect my decision, whether or not they agree with it, and make it a point to try to convince me how wrong I am, or someone who won't respect my requested, please don't tell me anything about them, they will also be removed from my life because I am not gonna have people trying to get me to justify my decision. They weren't there to experience what I experienced. When one of my boyfriends broke into my apartment a month after I kicked him out, there were some friends I walked away from because they based their opinion of his personality on their own observations. And they didn't choose to believe that what I told them was true or to hold him accountable. No contact can have a domino effect, and you may lose other people in your life because they choose not to respect your decision. And yes, it can create loneliness. Yes, you might have to leave some people behind and find some new people in your life that will understand you better, that will validate you, that will support you no matter what. You're gonna lose friends, you're gonna lose family members. If they cannot support you in your life decisions, they were never there for you in the first place. And sometimes when we are going through the hardest times in our life, it actually reveals to us who really has our back and who doesn't. Also, when you start to raise your standards in any way, shape, or form, there are gonna be people who remember who you used to be and they don't like who you've become. And unfortunately, they don't get to become part of the future you. It was once described to me as a bus that some people get on the bus and they only ride with you for one stop. Some ride with you for a few stops, and some they're gonna go with you all the way to the end of the bus line. That's how people in our lives are. Some aren't meant to stay with us forever. Some are just with us just for a season. And when we let go of someone because of no contact, there's a there's an immense amount of grief. I think even when we're angry with them and we have been severely wronged by them, there is still a grief that comes up. But we're not really grieving the relationship itself. We're grieving what we thought it provided. With my ex-husband, what I grieved is the man I thought he was when I married him. The man who showed up in the beginning before all of his demons got in the way. I grieved what I thought was going to be my final marriage with a man that I loved dearly. I grieved the future that I thought I had with him. My grief was also having to live the rest of my life without him. The other thing that I feel really strongly about is this whole topic on forgiveness. I did touch on it briefly in the last episode. If you choose to forgive someone, it's totally okay. If it's your choice and you willingly choose it and you're not being coerced into it, that is perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with that. If you are feeling like you don't want to forgive them, you don't owe them that forgiveness, you choose not to. There's nothing wrong with that either. Expecting someone to forgive someone else for doing something particularly in an abusive or narcissistic is blaming the victim, expecting the victim to be the quote unquote bigger person. And what it does is it further traumatizes what has already hurt you badly. It puts the ownership of the behavior on the person that received it instead of holding the person that did it accountable. I don't owe my second ex-husband forgiveness. He was abusive, he cheated on me, he manipulated me from day one. He was a narcissist with absolutely no moral compass. I owe nothing to him. I will never forgive him. And that does not imply that I am not healed. It does not imply that I am holding myself back or drinking the poison and expecting him to die. What I do need to let go of, and I'm still working on that, is the anger that I do feel. I need to show forgiveness to myself because the person I was 20 years ago is not who I am today. The woman I am today would have would have called bullshit from from the first day. I would have seen right through him. To be fair to my previous self, I didn't know anything about narcissism. I'd heard the word, but I didn't know what it really looked like. And I didn't know that sometimes it comes in pretty packages. Sometimes it comes under the guise of the white horse and the man who's your everything you have ever wanted, because that's what he portrayed. That was his persona. I didn't know how manipulative they were. I can forgive that woman. I can forgive her because she still had childhood wounds from an abusive father that she didn't know she had. She had a void inside of her because her father was emotionally unavailable. And she didn't know that she was trying to fill that void with romantic relationships. I owe my past self forgiveness, but I don't owe it to him. And I will not stand for anyone telling me otherwise. That's a form of invalidation, further abuse, traumatizing the victim, spiritual bypassing, judgment, deflection. And I think part of the reason that some people get so weird about forgiveness is because there's a discomfort within themselves. And I'm not responsible for that. They can choose to forgive if they want. That's perfectly okay. But they are not allowed to project their choices and their values on me. I'm allowed to choose my own. So remember, people can grow and they can change. And particularly for someone that we care about, we probably do hope that they do. But we also still have the right to permanently close that door if we choose. We have the right to say previous behavior has consequences. And I can't let you back in my life for any reason, even if you have legitimately changed. In order to protect our peace, we are allowed to say no reconciliation, no future access. We are allowed to say it without guilt. And if we feel grief, we're allowed to honor that and be okay with that too. And we are allowed to make decisions for our life that protect our peace that don't require an explanation to anybody. It is my passion for women to have a voice. But sometimes having a voice means silence or no explanation. Our power comes in knowing that we are living life on our terms. And it's about us and not about the other people. Our power comes in not feeling like we have to explain ourselves to someone. Our power comes in making difficult choices, even when they're painful. And there's a huge grief process after. Because in order to continue to grow, we have to let things go sometimes. Remember, we have to let things go to make room for something better. And as we wrap up, there are a few questions I'd like you to ask yourself. How many years have you been accommodating dysfunction because you're too afraid to say what you need to say? How many times have you silenced yourself just to keep somebody else comfortable? How many times did you know the relationship was over before you admitted it out loud to anybody else? How many times did you go back knowing you shouldn't be? How many times have you ignored your own voice because someone else's was louder? Well, we've been talking about no contact for the past three episodes. And yes, that is the main topic. What no contact is really about is your voice expressing your needs, holding boundaries and standards, and protecting your peace. Maybe some of you are here saying, Wow, you're right. I have been silencing myself. And I do have something to say. I have a message. I actually have a story too. And I think I would like to share that. You know what? I want to help other women with XYZ, whether it's relationships or it's it's something else that you're just really passionate about. I have a personal story that could help another woman, and she could avoid years of mistakes. I know so many of you ladies are sitting quietly on wisdom that remains inside of you. The world simply doesn't need more women who are quiet. The world needs more women who will say the quiet part out loud. And this is why I created Launcher Podcast without losing your mind. Because so many women out there do have something to say, but they they don't know how to say it. They don't know how to share it. They talk themselves out of it because they would be vulnerable. They would be seen. They don't know how to use the technology. They don't know if they're brave enough to share their own voice. But this is why I created this program to help you to get past all the overwhelm, the fears, the technical overwhelm. And the founders' pricing is going to end on June 30th. That's coming up in a few days. If you've been waiting for permission to share your voice and your story with the world, the time is now. Because you have something to say, and the world is waiting to hear it. And you have the power. So now it's time to act like it. Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth, Freedom, and Real Connection. If something landed while you were listening, pay attention to that. This isn't about becoming louder, it's about becoming unavailable for anything that requires you to abandon yourself. If this episode moves something in you, share it, like it, and subscribe. So you stay connected. You deserve to be seen and you deserve to be heard. So the question is: when are you going to stop violent yourself?