100: Stop Wondering If He's Into You

How much of your life have you spent wondering...

Why did he stop texting?
Why did he disappear?
Did I say something wrong?
Should I reach out?
Maybe he's just busy...

This episode isn't about him.

It's about what happens when women spend more time interpreting men's behavior than trusting their own.

We're done accommodating men.

We're done accepting breadcrumbs and calling it potential.

We're done carrying the emotional labor while someone else decides whether we're worth investing in.

And we're done talking ourselves out of what we already know.

In this episode, I share recent dating experiences that reminded me of one simple truth:

An emotionally willing man doesn't leave you wondering whether he's building something with you.

You'll learn the difference between emotionally unavailable and emotionally willing men, why hot-and-cold behavior keeps women stuck in confusion, and how to stop giving your power away by chasing clarity from someone who isn't offering consistency.

Because his behavior is the information.

The real question isn't...

"Is he into me?"

It's...

"Why would I invest in someone who isn't investing in me?"

If this episode stirred something in you, it's probably because your voice has been trying to get your attention for a long time.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

This episode is really not about men. It's really about you. It's about women and their voices. And here is what is going through my own head, and I'm hearing it more and more from other women. Women are done accommodating men. We are done organizing our life around their comfort, their lifestyle, their needs. We're also done talking ourselves out of what we already know. We're done with the bread crumbing. We're done with the expectations that are outdated. We're done with the lack of effort, and we're done with the emotional unavailability. Welcome to You Have the Power, The Road to Truth Freedom and Real Connection. This podcast is for women who are tired of feeling unseen, unheard, and disconnected from their own voice. Whether it shows up in dating, relationships, business, leadership, or just the conversations that you're afraid to have. The results are the same. You bite your tongue. Second guess yourself. Talk yourself about what you already know. And public patience, understanding, or being the bigger person. I'm Charlie Modilla, voice of the podcast documenter, a creator of the magnetic connection pathway. It's about becoming unavailable. Anything that requires you under yourself. Here, we explore the magnetic connection pathway. Because the most unavailable men are the only reason that we can stop speaking or just one of the places that it happens. And when you stop shrinking, stop putting and spying yourself to keep peace. You stop feeling invisible in your own life. You stop wondering if you're asking too much, and you start showing up as a woman who knows her voice and knows her back. Let's begin. Welcome to You Have the Power. So, first of all, before we dive into our topic, I just want to say that this is episode 100. We have made it. I have been podcasting for almost two years, and this is the 100th episode, which is really big. It's super exciting. And this podcast has changed and morphed a couple of times. It probably will change again, but there's always been a through line, and it's about power, it's about women's voices, and it's about speaking your truth. Thank you. Whether you are joining me for the first time or you've been with me from the beginning, every time I release an episode, my goal is always that a woman is going to hear it. It's going to touch her life somewhere. And it's either going to plant a seed or it's going to motivate her to do something different, to raise her standards and to speak her truth, no matter where that lands. So thank you. But now let's get into today's topic. It's basically we're going to talk about when you are dating someone, how do you know if he is into you or if he's not? I did an experiment where I got on a couple of dating apps for a few weeks just to see what would happen. I hadn't originally planned on doing that, but I thought maybe in a small town it would be a better way of meeting people. And it created the same frustration that it did the last time I was on him. And I'll get into that more later in this episode. Dating apps, I think, really create the most confusion as to is this guy into me? Is he going to ask me out? Does he like me? Does he want to get to know me? Is he just looking for a hookup or is he looking for a relationship like I am and a healthy relationship at that? So let's dive into this. Because this episode is really not about men. It's really about you. It's about women and their voices. And here is what is going through my own head, and I'm hearing it more and more from other women. Women are done accommodating men. We are done organizing our life around their comfort, their lifestyle, their needs. We're also done talking ourselves out of what we already know. We're done with the bread crumbing. We're done with the expectations that are outdated. We're done with the lack of effort. And we're done with the emotional unavailability. This episode is really about the amount of time, energy, and emotional labor that we should or should not be investing when we are dating someone based on the signals and the communication that they're giving us. Are they into us or are they playing us? Let's dive in and find out. First, an emotionally willing man, if he's really interested in you and he really wants to build something with you, you're not going to have to become a detective. You're not going to feel confused, and you're not going to feel like what happened? Why did he just disappear? Because he's not going to do that. And I'm going to talk about some experiences that have been going on in my own life when it comes to emotional availability, whether or not a man is into you, whether there's reciprocity, consistent communication. Because I will tell you one thing about the dating apps. While they are frustrating, and I have officially left them and deleted both of my accounts and deleted the app off my phone, I walked away with a lot of interesting experiences and a little bit of podcast content to go with it. And it reminded me exactly why I empower other women to break their pattern with emotionally unavailable men. Because being on the dating apps again after not being on them for quite a while really opened my eyes to how strong my standards have become, how willing or unwilling I am to engage in certain types of conversations, and how I stood both in my truth and my value, whether or not the man responded to that or not. So story time number one. I started texting with a man on an app, and I felt like there was a good back and forth. I felt like this person was interacting with me in an emotionally available manner, at least in the beginning, we seemed to have some values. We seemed to have a good communication style. When I would ask a question, he didn't just say, cool, yes, no, maybe. He would actually come back and give really what I considered thoughtful answers and would ask me a question back. And that was a big thing for me because if a guy doesn't continue to hold that conversation and to also ask me questions, that leads me to believe that he's really not invested. And I'm not talking about he's ready to marry me because we need to, first of all, meet, have uh a first date to decide we even want a second date. That commitment and that marriage level that comes later. But in the beginning, are his values the same? Is he investing at least what is appropriate at that level? And initially I really thought it was. And then we had a period of time where we were actually communicating pretty regularly. And after a few days, I was thinking, okay, I'm ready to move to the next stage. I really would like this man to ask me out. I am ready to meet him in person to see if what appears to be a connection in these texts is actually a real connection live. What's interesting is right around that time, after very consistent, frequent communication, he just disappeared. So after a week, I unmatched. Like, I'm not interested in that. If a man is gonna just come and go, fade in, fade out, that's inconsistent communication and that's out of alignment with what I'm looking for. And what's kind of weird about these texting apps is that you have actually no idea who you're really talking to. I have absolutely no idea if this person was who he said he was, or if anything he said were true, which is another reason I prefer the in-person communication. It also reminded me that on dating apps, there's often a lot of investment and not a lot of return, which is part of the reason that I got back off of them. I know that there's a lot of emotionally unavailable men on there. There are a lot of men looking for hookups, there are a lot of men that are cheating on their wives or girlfriends. I also know that not all of them are doing that. And I was hoping I was gonna find that needle in the haystack, and I didn't. And I decided the level of effort that I was putting into it just wasn't worth what I was getting back. The other thing I want to say is that even though I was ready for this man to ask me out, I wasn't gonna tell him that because what I was doing is observing his behavior without telling him what I wanted, because his behavior actually gave me much more information. I want a man who's gonna be a leader, and that means that he is responsible for initiating the date, for planning it, for paying for it. And a leader is gonna know that he needs to do that on his own. If I have to ask him or prompt him, then that's already kind of a yellow amber flag for me. When he disappeared, every day I didn't hear from him, I was more turned off. I was less invested and less interested. And that's a huge shift because a couple of years ago, if that exact same thing had played out, I would have said something in my mind about what did I do wrong? What did I say? Did I scare him off? Well, if I did say something within my standards or the way I communicate that scared them off, that's actually a good thing. It saved me a lot of trouble later. I didn't used to think like that. Because I do have certain standards and I'm not gonna bend on them. And if a man isn't interested in raising or or meeting those standards, then he's not the man for me anyway. So his silence did not draw me in, did not make me want to reach out. It actually repelled me. If that man had truly been into me in the real sense, he would have never gone a week without communicating. He would have continued to converse with me in a consistent manner, and he would have gone to the next step, because I do feel we had reached that point. He would have said, This woman intrigues me. I would like to meet her in person, and he would have taken that action. What happened in this situation is a hot and cold behavior. He communicated quite regularly, especially over a 24-hour period, dripped a couple of texts, and then disappeared completely. And that creates confusion and it puts the onus on me to reach back out, beg, chase. And I'm not gonna do that. I had responded last. It's a ping-pong match. It's his turn now to communicate back. I'm no longer interested in the reasons why he didn't, whether he's emotionally unavailable, he's an avoidant, he's playing games, he was turned off by something I said, he's actually married, or he's dating someone else, and he'll circle back to me when he's bored. Whatever those reasons are, it really doesn't matter because his behavior is the information. And I'm so glad that I'm finally getting out of that pattern that a lot of women have been conditioned to participate in, is that we're responsible for the emotional labor. We are expected to accept whatever a man gives us, even if it's breadcrumbs or nothing, and to be grateful for it or to like it or to accept it. I no longer do that. And I have to say, even though there are lonely days, I would much rather be in the position I'm in right now, today, and feel a little lonely and wish I had companionship than be in the presence of someone and feel lonely. That's a far deeper loneliness that cuts to the core. And if an emotionally willing man had been present, let's say he got busy, work got a little nutty for a couple of days, he would have circled back and said, Hey, I am so sorry. I've been really busy. I know I've been quiet, just wanted to reach out and say, I'm enjoying this conversation. Maybe ask me a quick question. I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I'm really interested in getting to know you. Maybe this weekend we can grab a cup of coffee. If he realized that we weren't a match, maybe he would have said, Hey, this conversation's been really fun, but I don't think we're we're compatible. I wish you well. I've done that a couple of times and just exited instead of just disappearing. We hear people say this all the time. If he wanted to, he would. There's two sides to that. Because an emotionally willing man, yes, he will. But I think there's a better way to say this. If he's emotionally willing, you're not gonna have to wonder whether he wants to or not. He's going to show you there may be an emotionally unavailable man who is attracted to you, but his desire to get to know you is not as strong as his fears of rejection or getting hurt. But an emotionally willing man may feel those fears just the same. But he's gonna act in spite of them. He knows that in order to get anything worth having, he has to take a risk. Same with us. We have to be willing to be vulnerable and take a risk and get to know someone and let their behavior tell us whether they are into us or not. And that doesn't mean that the man's gonna be perfect. Emotionally willing men, they also make mistakes, they have bad days, they drop the ball, they misunderstand something you say, or there's conflict. But even when they disappoint you, the difference is that an emotionally willing man is gonna once again circle back. He's going to have a constructive conversation with you. He's going to be willing to hear how what he did affected you. And he's also going to not just say sorry, he's going to give you concrete action steps on how he's going to do better next time. And here's the important part he's going to demonstrate that behavior, not just say he's going to do it. I think the real question that we need to start asking ourselves is not, is he really into me? Does he like me? Does he want to take me out? Because that puts all the focus on him and it gives him all the power. I think the question that we really need to start asking ourselves is he showing me that he's into me or not? What is his behavior communicating to me about his emotional investment in me? Am I into him? Do our values align? Does his communication style align? Do I feel stable or do I feel confused? Am I carrying all the emotional labor of this interaction or are we sharing it? Is he taking the appropriate steps to move this along at a natural pace? Is he communicating more frequently and consistently? Has he moved to the next step of asking me out? If we've been going out for a while, has he made it exclusive? And once we're exclusive for a while, has he gone to the next step? Whether that's moving in together, 100% committing, marrying. And I'm not talking in five minutes, a natural progression over a certain amount of time. I personally think if you're considering getting in a long-term committed relationship/slash marriage, I would no longer accept a marriage proposal in less than a year. And it's okay if it's after that too. Here's why. And I keep hearing this over and over again, and I think it's valuable information. A year gives you a lot of information. You've seen him in all seasons, you've seen how he handles conflict, you see how he acts when he's angry, how he treats weight staff, how he interacts with his family, how he interacts with you, what his patterns are. You've seen him go through every holiday of the year. And you may still need some more time, and that's fair too. But I learned my lesson the hard way of accepting a marriage proposal and actually going through with the marriage way too soon before I had that information. While my ex-husband was really into me, there's also something more important than that. He was able to demonstrate his interest and love, but he wasn't able to sustain it when things got real, when the conflict occurred, when the day-to-day trials happened, when his job of protecting me from everyone, including family members, failed to materialize. My own accountability in this situation is if I had waited to see how he interacted with his father, I would have not married him. Also, I wasn't the person I am today, so maybe I would have back then, but today I wouldn't have. Him being into you is important, but it also isn't the barometer of whether or not you should stay involved with this person. I also think that women, we're in the middle of something way bigger than dating men because we're so done accommodating them. We're done managing their discomfort at the expense of our own. We're done begging and celebrating the bare minimum, as if whatever they do is extraordinary and deserves a prize. We're done accepting their breadcrumbs and calling it potential. We're done acting as the emotional manager, the mommy, the unpaid therapist, the live-in servant, and the one who's expected to carry the relationship. Because relationships, they require effort, but from both people equally. And now as women, we have choices. We are no longer suppressed, we are no longer economically oppressed. We have our own money, we have our own lives, and now we're seeing the quiet part out loud. We want reciprocity, we want equality, we want consistency, we want your emotional investment. We're not looking for perfection, but we are looking for the man who's emotionally willing. And that emotionally willing man, he's gonna follow through, he's gonna initiate, he's gonna communicate regularly and clearly, and he's gonna respect your boundaries, even when he disagrees with them. He's gonna invest in you because he wants to get to know you. He's honestly very interested in who you are, not what you can do for him. He's gonna carry his part of the emotional load of the relationship. He's gonna show up with clarity and he's not gonna bring confusion and chaos into your life. Because an emotionally willing man, he doesn't leave you wondering whether you're building something. He is going to regularly invest in you and let you know that this is a joint effort that both of you together are building something meaningful. And here's what I've learned the women who stop talking themselves out of what they already know, they aren't just dating differently, they're communicating differently, they're leading their life differently, and they're creating things differently. That's because once you start trusting your voice in one area of your life, it expands out to all the other areas everything family, business, friends. One of the biggest patterns that I see, it's not just in dating, it's in the women who tell me I have something to say, but I just I keep overthinking it. Whether it's speaking up in relationships, setting boundaries, or finally starting that podcast that you've been thinking about for years or months, the pattern's the same because you already have a voice and you just need to stop waiting for permission to use it. So this is why I created the free course. You have something to say, the three shifts that help you stop overthinking and start your podcast. This isn't just about launching a podcast, it's really about learning to trust your own voice enough that it can be heard. The link is in the show notes. So I invite you to go watch the free course because you have something to say and the world is ready to hear it. As we close, I just want to remind you if he's not that into you, it's not a judgment, it's simply information about him. And the wrong question is, how do I get him interested? And the better question is, why would I invest in someone who isn't investing in me? Because the woman that you're becoming, she doesn't build relationships on potential. She's gonna respond to behavior in real time. She's gonna trust herself, she's gonna choose reciprocity, and she knows that an emotionally unavailable man is simply not her guy. So next week, we're gonna take this conversation even deeper as we explore why women are choosing to opt out of the traditional relationship expectations, when advice crosses the line into control, and what self-abandonment really looks like in relationships. I'll see you next week. You have the power. So now it's time to act like it. Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth Freedom and Real Connection. If something landed while you were listening, pay attention to that. This isn't about becoming louder, it's about becoming unavailable for anything that requires you to abandon yourself. If this episode moves something in you, share it, like it, and subscribe. So you stay connected to what's next. You deserve to be seen and you deserve to be heard. So the question is when are you going to stop silencing yourself and start trying?