101: The Relationship Rules Women Are No Longer Following

If you've been wondering whether you're the only woman who's tired of modern dating, questioning traditional relationship expectations, or choosing peace over settling... this episode is for you.

More and more women are opting out of relationships that require self-abandonment, and we're being told our standards are too high, that we'll "die alone," or that no one will want us.

But what if we've simply stopped accepting the bare minimum?

In this episode, I share what happened when I returned to the dating apps, the YouTube comment that sparked this conversation, and why I believe we're witnessing a much bigger cultural shift between men and women.

This isn't an episode about giving up on love.

It's about refusing to lose yourself in the pursuit of it.

In this episode, we'll explore:

• Why more women are choosing to stay single rather than settle

• The biggest lesson I learned from my dating app experiment

• Why "You'll die alone" isn't the insult many people think it is

• How the changing role of women is reshaping modern relationships

• Why emotionally willing men stand apart from emotionally unavailable ones

• The connection between reclaiming your voice in relationships and reclaiming it in every area of your life

This isn't an episode for men.

It's an episode for the woman who's been thinking these things for years and wondering if she was the only one.

If that's you...

Welcome. You're in the right place.

Connect with Darla Ridilla: 

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 https://www.highvaluewoman.info/shareyourvoice

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Website: https://www.highvaluewoman.info

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Send me an email: highvaluewoman7@gmail.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

It's really about talking about why, as women, a large number of us no longer are interested in the traditional way of doing relationships. And men simply refuse to understand why. Instead of looking in the mirror when something I say triggers them and wondering if maybe I said it because they caused it, they are putting the blame back on us because they want things the way they've always been. They want the patriarchy to stay in place. They want the power they once had over us to remain. What they don't fucking get is that today, we don't need your money. We don't need you if you don't bring peace to our lives. We have our own money, we have our own jobs, we have our own homes. We can vote. We are equals. And if you refuse to see us as that, you have no place at our table. Welcome to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth Freedom and Rail Connection. This podcast is for women who are tired of feeling unseen, unheard, and disconnected from their own voice. Whether it shows up in dating, relationships, business, leadership, or just the conversations that you're afraid to have. The results are the same. You bite your tongue, second guess yourself, talk yourself out of what you already know. And public patience, understanding, or being the bigger person. I'm Darla Modilla, voice of the podcast documenter, and creator of the magnetic connection pathway. It's about becoming popper, it's about becoming unavailable for anything that requires you to be added yourself. Here, we explore the magnetic connection pathway. Because emotionally unavailable men aren't the only reason that women stop speaking their church. They're just one of the places that it happens. And when you stop shrinking, softening, and silent in yourself to keep the peace, you stop feeling invisible in your own life. You stop wondering if you're asking too much, and you start showing up as the woman who knows her voice and knows it matters. Let's begin. More and more women are choosing to stay single. And it's not because we can't find a man, and it's not because no one wants us. It's because we would rather have peace than entertain another relationship that asks us to abandon ourselves. If you are ready to stop questioning yourself and you're ready to stop settling, and you're ready to start creating those relationships that are built on authenticity, emotional willingness, and standards with a backbone, you have come to the right place. This episode started because someone commented on my YouTube channel, and it was in response to a short where I said that I would rather be single than settle. Of course, I suspect it was a man. And instead of commenting and reacting to what I actually said, he chose to send me paragraphs telling me what my life should look like. That came off as very offensive. Not only because this person doesn't really know me, but no one, whether they know me or not, has the right to tell me what's right for me. That's only for me to decide. And just because that's your normal doesn't mean that you have the right to push that normal on me. So today I'm going to talk about something that just keeps coming up over and over again. And this isn't just about one troll on a YouTube channel. It's not just about one comment, it's about a trend that I am seeing a lot of, just about everywhere. And it's really about as women, particularly high-value women, that know our value, we are simply done. If you listen to the last episode that I did, I talked about how I went on the dating apps again as an experiment. And that experiment failed miserably. You know, I went in hoping and wondering if anything had changed, if men had evolved as women have continued to do. And I was not looking for a prince charming, and I wasn't looking for the perfect man. What I was hoping to find is that one emotionally willing man who was looking for the same things that I was. I'm looking for authenticity, consistency, accountability. I'm also looking for a committed relationship, but instead I found what I found before when I've been on dating apps in the past. And I saw the same old patterns of bread crumbing, hot and cold behavior, emotional unavailability. And examples of that were one man that was talking to me for a week, and we seemed to be connecting. It seemed to be progressing in the right direction, and then he simply disappeared. Yes, it was disappointing, but there was something more important that happened in that experience. It was clarifying for me. I realized that the biggest difference wasn't the men in the dating apps. The biggest difference was me. That two years ago, my standards were way lower and were way different. And if the old me had been in that same situation, I would have tolerated the bread crumbing. I would have waited and hoped. I would have chased, I would have explained my answers to manage his discomfort because I wanted him to like me. I would have invested emotionally way more than he did. And that's exactly what got me into trouble in my old dating experiences and in my previous relationships. And it took going through a really painful breakup not quite two years ago to help me to understand that. And today I observe behavior. I also believe behavior. You know that famous saying when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Well, I live by that. When you show me who you are, I'm not going to question it anymore. I'm going to take it at face value and either invest more or walk away. And I realized that being single is not a relationship status. It's actually a way of being and it protects my peace. I would love to have a man in my life, but I don't need it. And I'm not desperate for it like I used to be. So that means my tolerance for inconsistency is zero. I no longer spend my emotional energy trying to figure someone out when they just aren't showing up the way I need them to be. Two years ago, I made it way too easy for a man to get access to me, which meant he got access to my heart. And he ended up breaking it shortly thereafter. If I had shown up today as that woman with that same man, his behavior wouldn't have led to a relationship that hurt me deeply. It would have led to me observing his behavior and never going out on the first date with him. And being on these dating apps really showed me the growth that I've had way more than I realized. So last week I deleted them. I hate conversation by text anyway. I know it's a necessary evil in the dating world, so I was willing to kind of put up with it because it does take, I would say, a week or two for someone to decide whether or not we want to go out. What bothered me the most is that men haven't changed a damn bit. And this episode is not about hating men. It's really about talking about why, as women, a large number of us no longer are interested in the traditional way of doing relationships. We're opting out. And men simply refuse to understand why. Instead of looking in the mirror when something I say triggers them and wondering if maybe I said it because they caused it, they are putting the blame back on us because they want things the way they've always been. They want the patriarchy to stay in place. They want the power they once had over us to remain. What they don't fucking get is that today, we don't need your money. We don't need you if you don't bring peace to our lives. We have our own money, we have our own jobs, we have our own homes. We can vote. We are equals. And if you refuse to see us as that, you have no place at our table. So don't come to us and say, What do you bring to the table? Because the real question now is, what do you bring? Because if you bring chaos, if you bring confusion, if you bring bread crumbing, if you bring line cheating and manipulation, as women today, we're having no part of it. You may have been able to coast on those behaviors before because women in past generations had to have a man in their life to survive. They weren't allowed to vote, they weren't allowed to own property, they weren't allowed to have their own bank accounts. And you had your little reign of power, but it's over. And women have been investing in themselves for a very long time. It's not just about the money and in our own rights. It's about we've been personally developing. We've been investing in our personal growth. And on a large scale, men have not. I understand you're not in touch with your feelings as much as women are, that you're not wired that way. But what you are expected to be is accountable for your behavior, willing to own up to what you've done and make a change to not do it again. Those are just basic expectations, regardless of your gender. And on a large scale, men have decided to dig in their heels, to not change, to not get with it with the times. And I'm so tired of hearing about this male and loneliness epidemic. All it is is a bunch of victims crying for what they've created. If you truly want women in your life, if you want companionship, if you want relationships, you got to step up to the plate. You have to meet us where we are because we are no longer willing to make ourselves small to accommodate you. We've done it for centuries, and we are no longer willing to do it. And how did we get here? How did I get here? I got here through realizing that I was in a pattern of behavior with men that was not good for either one of us. Whether you're the abuser or the manipulator or you're the receiver of it, you're actually enabling each other when you willingly participate in it. When I was involved with my last narcissist, he had a very unhealthy relationship with his mother. It's known as Oedipus Complex, where the mother is actually putting the onus of the partner or husband onto a male child. It's non-sexual, but she actually, quote unquote, is kind of married to him in a certain way. It's very damaging to the male child because they're expected to be an adult from a very young age. They also are robbed of their own separate identity. I can have compassion for that, but what I don't have compassion for is an adult male who refuses to heal that inner child and who continues to foster that unhealthy dynamic with his mother in real time and also makes any woman in his life pay the price for that. And in that relationship, I was always the other woman. She always came first. And I made a decision in that relationship that I would never let a man do that to me again. If he chooses to be enmeshed with his mother, that's his choice. But I am choosing to walk away and never look back. I am choosing not to accept a mommy's boy. It is okay for me to set a standard that says if I even choose to have a man of my life, he needs to put me first. He needs to put his family first, his wife, his spouse, his children, whichever stage you're at in that relationship. I won't be having any more children in this stage of my life, but I do want to get married again. I do want a committed partner, but I'm also willing to stay single until that shows up or it doesn't. And any man in my life is gonna prioritize me and our committed relationship over any other relationship in his life, whether that be his mother or it be female friends or it be an ex-spouse, I am not gonna be the other woman in anyone's life ever again. In addition to that comment on my YouTube channel, I was also thinking about the dating apps and what was really going on here. And I realized that yeah, there is a shift going on between men and women. There is a rift. And I think that's actually a good thing because it's creating an opportunity for men to realize that it's time to step up. And it's also validating us as women that we have value. Is it an uncomfortable situation to be in because we're frustrated, because we're lonely? Sure. But that loneliness and frustration we feel in our own presence by ourselves is way better than the loneliness and frustration we felt when we were in relationships with men who wanted to keep the old rules in place. And this is what a lot of men who are stuck in their ways and stuck in patriarchy don't understand. That as women, we no longer need relationships. If we're in one, it's because we've chosen to be in it. And this is why, if I'm choosing you instead of needing you, what you bring to the table to my life becomes so much more important. And for a man to get access to me, he's got to bring peace, he's got to bring consistency, and he's got to bring that emotional maturity that I need from him. And over and over again, men are asking the wrong question. They're asking why women are raising their standards. Why are women saying no more? Why are women holding them accountable? Those aren't the right questions. The question that they should be asking is what are women trying to tell us? What does this say about me? And in the end, we cannot change them. We may know that they need to change the questions they're asking, and they may continue to refuse to ask them. So, as women, we're gonna have to change how we react. We are no longer going to accept the bare minimum that they give us. We are gonna hold them to a higher standard with accountability, even when they don't hold it for themselves. What this does mean is that men are going to have access to less women and definitely less women of quality. And the only ones they're going to find are the ones that are desperate, that are a hot mess. And if that's what they want to entertain, they're welcome to it. But as high value women, we are going to choose to keep our standards right where they are. We are going to choose to build an amazing life with or without them. And we are at times choosing to be single on purpose because we're not lowering our standards. They're not too high. We're not too much. We're not bitches. And quite frankly, we're not scared to quote unquote die alone. We aren't threatened by your ridiculous comments about that, about how we'll die alone, how we're just gonna have a bunch of cats, how no one wants us. Those don't affect us. And you know why they're not threats to us? Because you are threatening us with a life we've already willingly chosen and actually like. We like our peace, we like our stability, we like that we like ourselves, we know that our value isn't determined by whether or not we're married, have a boyfriend, have a committed relationship. It is not necessary as a woman to want to have children, and I'm so sick of these men saying you need a baby on your hip. Who the fuck are you to tell me that? Yeah, I do have a grown daughter, and I had her because I chose to, and I wanted to. But what if 35 years ago I had made a different decision? What if I had chosen that I didn't want kids? That would have been totally fine because I was doing what was right for me. It doesn't mean I'm any less of a woman. It doesn't mean I'm any less attractive to men. It doesn't mean that my value was diminished. And just because a man thinks that's what determines my value, that's the very man I don't want. If you want someone who's a live-in maid, who's your therapist, your mommy, we are no longer willing to organize our lives around your needs. We're done with being your emotional punching bag. We're done with being your personal baby factory and babysitter. We're done with cleaning and cooking because it's the woman's job. If you live in a house with me, it's everyone's job who lives there, regardless of if you're a man or a woman. If you eat, you cook. If you make the mess, you clean it up. And a man that doesn't see that, he's just not gonna be in my life. He can either do his own damn dishes or he can find somebody else to do them for him who's willing to do that. Because once again, not me. If there's a woman out there who chooses not to marry, she's not broken. There's nothing wrong with her. It's not that a man doesn't want her. She just doesn't want that level of commitment. That's all. What men don't understand is that the old way of doing things, they aren't working for us anymore. These old expectations that really were a way of disrespecting us to keep us in our quote unquote place, they don't work for us anymore because we know better. Our mothers and grandmothers couldn't speak up because if they did, they were beat, they were punished, they were thrown out of the house, and they had no way to take care of themselves. And while they deserved to have everything that we do today, unfortunately for them, they were in a place where men were still in power, but those days are no more, and we no longer have to accept your inconsistency or your behavior, whatever that is, just because that's how men are. Well, if that's how you are, great. If that's something you're not going to change, fine. But we're no longer gonna tolerate it, we're not gonna shrink anymore to fit into your mold. And I think what really pisses you off is not our standards. I think what really pisses the men off is they can't manipulate us anymore. We're not desperate, so we don't play those games. It's unbelievable to me how, first of all, predictable these men are and how they can't come up with anything original. And even if they did, it still wouldn't change the fact that we are making different choices and they aren't liking them. And all this stupid stuff about you'll die alone with a cat, was that really a threat to me? Not really. And here's why. Because the pets that I have had have been way more loyal to me than any human being ever has. The last dog that I had, Goliath, I had him for 10 years and he outlasted every man, including a husband. He was way more loyal than those men. And I would choose my dog over a man any day. If being single the rest of my life means that I have peace and I have a loving pet with me that accepts me for who I am, that sounds a lot more appealing to me than being with a man who wants to change me and mold into his his idea of what I should be. All these threats about you can't get a man, no one wants you, that's never been a problem for me. Here's the problem: I can't seem to find the right man that works for me. If I do, wonderful. If I don't, wonderful. Because I'm not gonna lower my standards just to say I'm not alone. Being alone has become so much more appealing to me than dealing with what I dealt with before. And unless I find a man who shows up better, who shows up in a way I need him to, and who meets my standards, I'm gonna stay alone. And I am totally okay with that. So these threats don't land with us anymore because they're not threats, they're actually a promise of a better life. And that's what you don't understand. And it's not about that a man doesn't want me. What it's really about is I don't want them. Me being able to choose whether or not I want to be in a relationship with someone is total freedom. And the worst thing to me is not being alone. The worst thing for me is getting in a relationship and abandoning myself like I did in the past. And I'm simply no longer willing to abandon myself just to keep the wrong man. And as women, we're not raising our standards because we hate you. We are raising our standards because we love ourselves. And we are looking for that man that's emotionally available, that's emotionally willing. And emotionally willing means he's not perfect, but he's accountable and he's working on his personal growth. And he wants a relationship that's good for both of us, not just him. He's a man that communicates, he's a man that follows through, and he's a man that's consistent. And he sees me as an equal, not someone to make small, not someone less than, not someone second class citizen. Let's talk about the right and the wrong questions. Because a large majority of women are independently saying, We're tired, we're tired of the same old patterns, we're tired of making ourselves small. It's time to stop asking. What's wrong with women? And it's time to start asking. What are women experiencing that keeps leading them to the same conclusion? And to any man who wants to stay stuck and who wants to keep telling me that no one wants me, that I'm gonna die alone, that I'll regret it. My message to you is I don't feel threatened. I feel validated. Because when I see a man acting like that, when I see a man say that, what I say in my head isn't, oh my God, I wish he liked me. Oh my god, I gotta get him to understand. No. What I say inside my head is you are the exact type of man I don't want in my life. You are a perfect example of why I haven't been out on a date in two years. Because if that's all there is, I'm simply not interested. And the more I see this behavior, the more of a turnoff it is. And the more inclined I am to not even get in a relationship at all. I've not given up on there may be that one man that's for me. But what I have given up on is compromising my peace and my standards just to let someone be in my life because I don't want to feel alone. And if any man is listening to this episode and what I say pisses you off, triggers you, maybe it's time that you stop being angry at what we're saying and start looking in the mirror and figuring out why we're saying it. Because I'm done shrinking, I'm done accepting inconsistency and breadcrumbs, and I'm done dealing with chaos. I am going to choose peace and stability. I am going to choose myself every single time. I am choosing to opt out of what has been expected of women for centuries. I am choosing to stand in my power and reject the patriarchy. I'm going to stand in my power and reject the expectations that men have put on us. I am going to reject the idea that my value and my worth are based on what I give you, what my relationship status is, whether or not I have children. I have value just because I exist. I have a lot to offer if a man does get the privilege of being in my life. But he has to earn it to get my loyalty, to get my time, to get my commitment. He has to earn the access to receive it. And until he does, I'm going to be single. And I'm opting out. And I know there's a lot of other women out there who are choosing that same thing. And to all of you women who have made this choice, good for you for finally valuing yourself, for finally choosing your peace, for finally saying, I am enough. And I don't need what others expect of me to be the barometer of who I am. And before we wrap up, I do want to leave you with one final thought. Because everything that I've talked about today isn't just about relationships. It's about women having a voice. Part of the old way of doing things was teaching women that they had to be quiet, that it was their job to keep the peace, that they were not to make other people uncomfortable, particularly men. And we were never to question them or their authority. We always had to be in check. Were we asking for too much? Were our standards too high? Should we back up on our boundaries? The message was always that we had to be smaller so men could be bigger. But in those moments when we stopped abandoning ourselves, it may have been in that one area of life. Maybe it was your relationships where you started. But I bet you saw that it started to spread out in all areas of your life. You started to share your voice. You started to stand strong in your standards and what you said and what you accepted. And then something really incredible started to happen because you stopped settling. You stopped apologizing for those standards. And you stopped waiting for permission. And for some women, they started to share what they've been carrying inside of them. That's exactly what happened to me when I started my podcast two years ago, sharing my experiences of being in an abusive marriage, recovering from narcissistic abuse, deciding that my fear of being judged was not nearly as important as my voice being heard. Something really unexpected happened. Because the more I told my truth, the more I used my voice, the more I started to trust myself, the more I started to heal, the more it was affecting other people who were listening to those episodes. Podcasting started as a way to build my business, but it also changed me in a good way. It really helped me to stop thinking about what people thought of me. It gave me the courage to say what needed to be said, regardless of how people reacted or accepted it. And if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, or maybe today's your first episode, maybe at some point a little voice in your head said, I have something to say. I have a message I want to share. I would love to have a podcast too, but I'm afraid. What if people laugh at me? What if they judge me? What if I say it wrong? I know those feelings because I was there. I created something just for you. It's a free course and it's called You Have Something to Say. The three shifts that help you stop overthinking and start your podcast. And yes, the title is about podcasting, but it's really about something bigger. It's really about sharing your voice because the world really is waiting to hear it. Because whether you're claiming your voice in a relationship or you're claiming it on a microphone, the work is the same. It's about stop waiting for permission. It's about stop shrinking. And it's about deciding what matters to you. So if you're ready for that next step, the link for the free course, it is in the show notes. Always remember you have something to say. And the world is ready to hear it. I'm so glad that you joined me today. And I know there are women out there that feel the same way that I do, that you're opting out, that you're done with a patriarchy, that you're done with a traditional way that relationships have been structured. And I also want to validate you and let you know there's nothing wrong with you. It isn't that you can't get a man. It's just you simply don't choose one. And I encourage you to keep holding your standards. Let the chips fall where they may. Build your life. Have your own money, have your own job. And if the right man comes along, wow, is he gonna be attracted to you? You have the power. So now it's time to act like it. Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth Freedom and Road Connection. If something landed while you were listening, pay attention to that. This isn't about becoming louder. It's about becoming unavailable for anything that requires you to abandon yourself. If this episode moves something in you, share it, like it, and subscribe. So you stay connected to what's next. You deserve to be seen, and you deserve to be heard. So the question is when are you going to stop sciences in yourself and start trying to?