104: Trust Your Instincts, Not Red Flags

How many times have you ignored your intuition because there wasn't a "good enough" reason to walk away?

We've been taught to wait for the big red flags - cheating, lying, manipulation, or abuse - before we're allowed to say no. But what if simple incompatibility is enough?

In this episode, I share why I've stopped looking for proof that a man is the wrong person and started trusting what I observe instead.

Through personal stories and honest reflections, we explore why discernment isn't about judging men - it's about becoming more connected to yourself.

In this episode you'll discover:
 ✨ Why you don't need a major red flag to walk away.
 ✨ The difference between observation and overthinking.
 ✨ Why compatibility doesn't require a man to be a bad person.
 ✨ How emotionally willing men respond to standards and boundaries.
 ✨ Why trusting your instincts leads to healthier relationships.

The goal isn't to become better at reading men.

The goal is to become better at trusting yourself.

🎙 Ready to use your voice in a bigger way?

If you've been thinking about starting a podcast but keep getting stuck in overthinking, download my free course:

You Have Something to Say: The 3 Shifts That Help You Stop Overthinking and Start Your Podcast

👉 https://youtu.be/IcXzJDGDUtk 

Connect with Darla Ridilla: 

🌐 Learn more about podcast mentoring and my 30-day podcast launch program: https://www.highvaluewoman.info/shareyourvoice

Free Course - You Have Something to Say: The 3 Shifts That Help You Stop Overthinking and Start Your Podcast - https://youtu.be/IcXzJDGDUtk

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

We really do need to throw away this whole idea that there has to be several red flags or a big issue or they're they prove themselves to be a bad person. Just a simple incompatibility or an ick feeling is enough. Welcome to You Have the Power, The Road to Truth Freedom and Rail Connection. This podcast is for women who are tired of feeling unseen, unheard, and disconnected from their own voice. Whether it shows up in dating, relationships, business, leadership, or just the conversations that you're afraid to have. The results are the same. You bite your tongue, second-guess yourself, talk yourself out of what you already know. And public patience, understanding, or being the bigger person. I'm Darla Bradilla, voice and podcast monumenter, and creator of the Magnetic Connection Pathway. This isn't about becoming power, it's about becoming unavailable for anything that requires you to advance yourself. Here, we explore the magnetic connection pathway. Presence, agency, empowerment. Because emotionally unavailable men aren't the only reason that women stop speaking their truth. They're just one of the places that it happens. And when you stop shrinking, softening, and silencing yourself to keep the peace, you stop feeling invisible in your own life. You stop wondering if you're asking too much, and you start showing up as the woman who knows her voice and knows it matters. Let's begin. When it comes to dating and relationships, there's a lot of talk about boundaries and a lot of talk about red flags. And there's a those are things that are really important, but I also think there's something else that's even more important. And that's discernment. That is not only having boundaries and standards, but it's actually watching how a man reacts when you express them. That will reveal far more than what he says. If you go out on a date and he says that he wants a committed relationship like you, because maybe he's trying to tell you what you want to hear, or maybe he's an avoidant who thinks he wants that in the moment until his fears kick in. But no matter what he says, what he does is far more information than his words ever will be. And what I've started to learn over the past couple of years is that information is valuable data that people constantly reveal themselves without even realizing they're doing it. For years, I thought that I needed a really good reason to walk away. I had to kind of create a court case per se, and I couldn't walk away from someone or say no to someone until I had proven to myself they were a bad person. If I said no to someone who was a good person, then there was something wrong with me, that I was being unreasonable, that I wasn't giving them enough chance. So I would wait till there was a big blow-up, or they did something really, really bad to make that decision that I wasn't interested. And what I realized is that I didn't need some big dramatic red flag that I was allowed to say no at any point and for any reason. And I also think that compatibility is a really big factor. You can have a good man in front of you, but maybe they have different political beliefs than you. Maybe they have different morals, maybe they have different religious beliefs, and those are things that are important to you. I know for me, those are deal breakers, and it doesn't matter how quote unquote good of a man he is. In the long term, I can't be in a committed relationship and live every day with a person whose morals conflict with mine. We don't have to agree on everything, but there are there are some basic things that we do. There's also been moments where I've just had an ick kind of feeling that I can't shake, that sits with me, that doesn't leave me. And I've decided when my gut or my stomach turns that I'm gonna listen to that. I don't even have to have a reason or a justification to why that happened, but my body is often right. And I don't have to justify it, I don't have to explain it away. A few years ago, after my second divorce, when I was finally ready to kind of dip my toe out in the dating world again, there was a guy that was in the singles group that I was at at my spiritual center. And I normally try to date men within a 10-year range of my own age because I don't want to go too young and I don't want to go too old. This particular man was about 15 to 20 years older than me, and it's not something that I normally say yes to, but he was always super friendly, he was really active. One of my biggest concerns about a significantly older man is his energy level, and he always was high energy, fun to be around. So I decided to be a little open and say yes to something that I don't normally say yes to. And during the date, we had a great time. He planned it, he paid for it, he picked me up, he did all of the things that I talk about when we talk about courting. And we went to a salsa lesson. It was so much fun. He had so much energy, I felt like I was the one who was getting tired first. And the date was going great. And then as we said goodnight, he kissed me. And for whatever reason, this instant yuck came in my mind, and I felt like I was kissing my father. I tried not to let the age be a factor, but it was, and I felt terrible. We had planned a second date, and I kept thinking about it and thinking about it, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I also needed to be honest. And this was one of the very first times that I actually listened to my intuition and started working on that pattern that I now have. So a couple days later I called him and I said, Hey, I had a great time at the date, but the age is a factor for me. I'm really sorry, but I need to cancel our second date. This isn't gonna work for me. And of course, he instantly said, Hey, age is just a number. It's not a big deal. And I said to him, Maybe it's not a big deal to you, but to me it is, and it has to be okay for both of us. And I felt really bad because I know he was upset, I know I hurt his feelings, but I couldn't go out with him again. It really was like dating my father because he was so close to my father's age, and I just couldn't get past it. It wasn't that he was a bad person, it was just that he wasn't the right person for me. One of the lessons that I've learned over the years, and especially lately, is that discernment isn't necessarily that you're in danger. You're not saying no because he's a bad person or he's going to hurt you. You are just simply out of alignment with each other. And sometimes you meet someone and you immediately get this feeling, or you observe a behavior in him that's just a huge turn off. And you don't have to justify it and say, well, maybe I'm being too harsh, because that's what I used to do. I used to say, Wow, um, I just met this guy. I've only talked to him a couple of times. It was just a minor reaction. I'm being too judgmental. I'm not giving him enough of a chance. And let me give you an example of what just happened recently. There's a guy that's approached me a couple of times over the summer and has engaged me in conversation. I'm not really that interested in him anyway. I just haven't really been feeling an attraction. I think he might be past that age range that I'm looking for. And as well, one of the times that I saw him out, he was with a woman and I don't know what his relationship status is. And there was an assumption that he might be married or in a relationship. While I haven't clarified that, it no longer is something I need to clarify because the last time he talked to me, I decided just to be open and have a conversation and see where it went. And as we were sharing our, you know, our passions about outdoor activities, my dog was with me and she's extremely social and she laid down on his foot. Now, normally I would have corrected her, like, hey, don't do that. But I wanted to observe his reaction. So I didn't. And he reacted badly. He got very irritated. He kind of like brushed her off. And I was watching him. He had no idea how much information he just gave me about himself. First of all, if you're trying to impress a woman, why would you react negatively to her dog? He didn't even acknowledge her existence before then. He had totally ignored her. Most people, when they approach a person with a dog, almost always acknowledge the dog first, especially if they're a dog person. So that was information as well. I have no idea why he got irritated, whether it's he doesn't like dogs or he didn't want fur on his clothes. But what I realized is it doesn't matter what the reason was. The fact that he wasn't open to my dog being affectionate and wanting attention and didn't reach out to pet her and say hello is a deal breaker for me. Me and my dog, we're we're a package deal. And in fact, she comes first. And if any man were to date me or get in a relationship and even suggest that she take a second seat to him, can't sleep in the bed with us or doesn't like her, he's out. And that simple reaction gave me a lot of information. And I don't have to decide whether he's a bad person or not. I don't have to figure out any of the other details about his age or his relationship status anymore. Because that simple behavior made me realize I'm not interested. In that moment when he rejected my dog, I didn't feel the need to investigate why. And the reason was all I needed to know was I didn't like that. That reaction did not sit well with me. And that was enough information to give myself permission to say no. I often think when we start to investigate why people do things, or we start to second guess ourselves or question ourselves about a simple behavior like that. We actually do ourselves a disservice, we create confusion in our head, we overthink it. And if we get an ick, if we get a stomach turn, if we just get a feeling like God, that didn't feel good, we need to honor that. I would rather make a mistake about the right person than let the wrong person in and have to suffer that consequence. And I'm not saying we have to have knee-jerk reactions about everything, but when something like that happens, when we get information, when we give a man a boundary and he reacts badly to it, we need to react accordingly. We really do need to throw away this whole idea that there has to be several red flags or a big issue or there they prove themselves to be a bad person. Just a simple incompatibility or an ick feeling is enough. There are many ways that you can observe a man's character without him knowing that you're observing it. One of the big tells for me is how does he treat people in service? Whether it's a waiter, it's a cashier, he will reveal himself a lot and not even know it. If he's dismissive to people who are in service to him, that's a bad sign. Because if he's being nice to you on the date, but he's being surly or dismissive with the waiter during that date, his real character is based on how he treated that waiter. And it, in my opinion, is a forecast of what's to come for you. Once he lets his guard down, once the pursuit is over and he feels he has you and he can start revealing his real character, he will. How people react to animals, I think, is a big tell. While I did have a boyfriend a couple of years ago who was a lot of fun, he didn't like dogs, and I'll never do that again. While he wasn't mean to my dog, he also didn't pet him ever. And that was a rift. And it's something that I should have nipped in a bud right away. Another tell is how do they react when they don't get their way, when plans change, when you do say no, when there is disappointment, when there's conflict. People reveal more about themselves in conflict and when they don't get their way than when they do. Their reaction to something unpleasant is a huge tell. If we go back to the example of the gentleman who is significantly older than me, his reaction to me saying this doesn't work for me actually told a little bit about him. He was more concerned about what he wanted out of the interaction than what was good for me. And that to me in itself is a red flag because he's revealing that after a first date. Once again, what else is going to happen during a relationship? But back to my original point. I don't even have to go that far and analyze it that far. Just the fact that I wasn't feeling good about the dating experience is enough information for me to say no. What I've also found really interesting is men's reaction to this podcast. Whether it's in my personal life or it's publicly, I've had some trolls on my YouTube channel. They're almost always men. Why a man would even subscribe to my channel, I don't even know. It's not for men, it's for women. And I've had very negative reactions to statements that I've made that I've raised my standards, I'm single on purpose, I'm talking about holding those standards and not dating men that I'm incompatible with. But for some reason, some of these men have taken it as a personal attack. These are my personal decisions, and I don't even know you. You aren't even in my life. So, what does my decision about how I live my life have to do with you? But it reveals something bigger, it reveals that they're uncomfortable with women having their own ideas, they're uncomfortable with women being able to say no just because they want to, they're uncomfortable with being told no in any way, shape, or form. And these interactions show that the woman's not the problem. Why would a man be that upset or bothered by my choices? An emotionally willing man would not be threatened by that. But a man who's emotionally unavailable is because it upsets the Apple cart. It changes the dynamics. And it means if we're raising our standards, then in order for him to get access to us, he has to raise his. An emotionally willing man, he actually doesn't see a woman's preferences or her standards as rejection. He he actually sees them for what they are, just preferences, the way that she wants to live her life. They also understand that compatibility goes both ways. If he is honoring your standards, you better damn well believe he's got his own. And that's a good thing. He's looking for that committed relationship just like you are. He's looking for the things that are important to him, but he's also thinking about the things he can compromise on without compromising his standards. He also isn't going to act like a little child if he's not chosen. He's just going to move on. In the past, I would ask myself, am I good enough? Did he like me? Did I act in a way that will help him to like me? I don't ask those questions anymore. Now what I ask is, are we aligned? Does he meet my standards? Does he respect my boundaries? And when I'm with this person, can I fully be myself without a negative reaction? How does my nervous system feel? Do I feel calm or do I feel anxious? And do our values and our lifestyles match? This is one of the greatest gifts that I've given myself. I have given myself permission to say yes or to say no based on my preferences, my feeling of whether or not we're in alignment. Regardless of who he may or may not be, regardless of whether he's a good or bad person, I no longer need to decide that because it doesn't matter. What matters is what information and data am I gathering from his behavior, from his reactions? And is that behavior in alignment with the man that I'm looking for to spend the rest of my life with? I don't need an example or a big red flag to say no. I don't need to wait a year, two years down in a relationship, and we have some big blow up for something that I knew all along. I look back at my relationships, and most of them, the reason I broke up with them at the end was based on something that didn't feel good to me in the beginning, but I chose to ignore it. I chose to blow it off. And sometimes we decide to say no in the smallest of moments, right? It could be just as simple as someone being too old, it could be someone not liking your dog, or it could be for a reason you can't put your finger on, but you just don't feel good about this person or the reaction, or you just there's something off and you don't know why. You don't even have to have a reason to say no. And when we raise our level of discernment, this isn't about being critical of others, it isn't about judging others, it isn't about making them the bad guy, it's just about being connected to yourself and honoring who you are, what you need, and what you want to say yes to. I will also tell you that the more you say no to others and you are simultaneously saying yes to yourself, you are actually getting closer to saying yes to the man who's emotionally willing. Because every time you say yes to something that doesn't feel good, or it's to someone who's already demonstrated they're emotionally unavailable, you are not only wasting your time and energy, you are blocking the very thing that you are you are seeking. When you have the courage to say no, even when you're not exactly sure why, or when you're uncomfortable, you are actually building your discernment muscle. And you are also going to get more comfortable with doing it in the future. And that's clearing the way for the man that you truly are looking for. And more importantly, whether you find that man or not, when you build your discernment muscle, you are investing in you every single time. And you were not settling. And when you decide not to settle and live your life on your terms, sometimes you end up living single on purpose and being totally okay with it. And if the man does show up, that's the bonus. That's the dessert. You have the power. And now it's time to act like it. Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth Freedom and Rogue Connection. If something's stirred in you today, don't talk yourself out of it. That is how women lose themselves. Not all at once, just one quiet compromise at a time. If the episode challenged you, like it, share it, and subscribe so you don't miss what's next. The life you want isn't waiting for you to be more confident, it's waiting for you to stop abandoning what you already know. Your voice has been there all along. Now it's time to trust you.