105: Am I Settling or Being Patient? He Already Gave You the Answer

Have you ever wondered...

Am I settling?

Or am I being patient?

It's one of the hardest questions women ask themselves because the answer isn't always obvious.

In this first Q&A episode of You Have the Power, I'm answering two real questions from women trying to make sense of relationships that leave them feeling uncertain.

How do you know when someone deserves more time...

...and when it's time to walk away?

At what point does patience become settling?

If you've ever found yourself second-guessing your instincts, talking yourself out of what you're seeing, or wondering if you're expecting too much, this conversation is for you.

The answer may not be what you expect.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I've been dating a man for six months. He's kind when we're together, but sometimes he'll disappear for days without much communication. He always comes back and he says he's just been busy. Am I expecting too much? Or do I need to be more patient with him? Welcome to You Have the Power, The Road to Truth Freedom and Real Connection. If you've ever wondered why you keep attracting emotionally unavailable men, questioned your own instincts, or found yourself staying quiet just to keep the peace, you are in the right place. I'm Darla Rodilla, a voice and podcast launch mentor and creator of the Magnetic Connections Pathway. This podcast isn't about fixing yourself. It's about finding your voice. Together, we'll explore what it means to lead yourself through presence, agency, and empowerment. Breaking old relationship patterns, building standards with a backbone, and creating relationships rooted in emotional willingness. Starting with your relationship with yourself. Because the moment you stop negotiating with yourself and start honoring what you already know, that is where your power begins. Let's get started. Today's theme is going to be: am I settling or am I being patient? And I think a lot of women ask themselves that because sometimes it is hard to know. Am I being too judgmental? Am I reacting too quickly? Or am I not reacting quickly enough? Am I waiting too long? Am I giving them too many chances? And there can be a fine line between that. But hopefully these two questions that you're going to hear and kind of my reflection back to the listener about them will help you if you are also struggling with this. Question number one is I've been dating a man for six months. He's kind when we're together, but sometimes he'll disappear for days without much communication. He always comes back and he says he's just been busy. Am I expecting too much? Or do I need to be more patient with him? Wow, what a great question. I mean, how many of us have experienced that? I mean, she's still pretty early in the relationship, only six months in. And I feel like that three to six months time period is kind of a truth teller a lot of times. And if I had only listened to my own advice many years ago, God bless my last husband, but I wouldn't have married him because I didn't wait that time period. I think consistency is hugely important. Notice she says he's kind, but does kind mean that he's emotionally willing? No. My last boyfriend was very kind. The boyfriend before him, super kind. He even courted me the way I wanted to be courted, was very generous with his time and money. Neither of those men were emotionally willing. One outright didn't want a relationship at all, and one couldn't sustain it. So kind is a great quality, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they're emotionally available. One of my key values that I look for in every area of my life is consistency. If he's gone for long periods of time, something is not right. We don't know if he's entertaining other women, we don't know if he's using that as an excuse to keep distance. He could be honestly only dating you, but be avoidant. For whatever reason, he doesn't want the same level of communication that you do. And we have a busy society, but busy doesn't equate to inconsistency as well. We can be busy, but find time in our day to say, hey, I was thinking of you. Are you free to grab lunch this weekend? We find time for the things that are important to us. I've recently been juggling a lot in my life. And though I am not dating anyone, if I were to get interested in someone, I would carve out time for him. It may be a challenge, but I would work at it. When you're feeling confused, where there's inconsistency, that's not a good sign. And I'm really going to encourage you to look at his behavior. A lot of times, particularly in the beginning, or if we're a bit in long term and we don't want to leave, we look at someone with rose-colored glasses. We look at them and look at their potential. We choose to view them in the way we want to see them, or what we want to believe they are, but oftentimes it isn't the reality that's in front of us. I'm guilty of it. I've done it in many of my relationships. My last marriage, I did that. I saw his potential. I saw how much he could grow. What happened is the reality that I married was not a man who was going to grow emotionally. And if I would have first given it more time, and second of all, really paid attention to how my body felt around him, to his behavior over time, I would have known he wasn't the right person for me. You talk about kind, he was very kind to me in many, many, many moments. Very protective, very chivalrous. But there were also other times where he wasn't protective, where he wasn't kind, where he didn't show up consistently. Those two realities can live together. And sometimes when we've been dating someone, we kind of get attached. I don't know the situation. I don't know if you're exclusive, or if you've had any conversations about what your expectations are, or if you have expressed long-term what you want, whether that's commitment or not. What I would suggest is that you have a conversation with him. And I'm not talking about over text. You either have a phone call, a video chat, or my recommendation is an in-person conversation. And before you have that conversation, I really encourage you to write down what your priorities are in life. What kind of relationship do you want? Not necessarily with this person, but in general. Do you want a committed relationship? Do you want to get married? Or do you want casual? Are you okay with that? And be honest with yourself. Don't answer that question based on what others have given you in the past or what they say they're capable of. What is it that you want? What are the values that you want this person to embody? Whether that's consistency, honesty, loyalty, effort, investment, whatever that is, before you have this conversation, get that straight. What are some of the values that are compatible with yours? Whether that's religious, political, morality, what things are important to you, what are deal breakers, what are things you can live with? Write it all down and really think about it. Then I want you to go to this man and say, what is it that you are looking for in a relationship? Don't tell him what you want. Ask him and see what he says. If he just says, Oh, I just want to go with the flow, or I want something casual, and you want a committed relationship or marriage, you're out of alignment. And he's already showed you who he is. That right there is enough to say, I've really enjoyed this past six months, but where this is going is out of alignment with what I'm looking for, and I wish you well. If he says, I am looking for a committed relationship or marriage, whatever he says, if it matches yours, great. He said it, but the next thing is, is over time you're gonna observe his behavior. Then you're gonna say, that's great. I'm looking for that too. But there's also some things that I'm looking for in the relationship that I'm I'm not experiencing with you. Here's what I need from you. I need consistent communication, something along the lines of, when I don't hear from you for a long time, that doesn't work for me. Maybe say, I would love to hear from you once a day or every other day, whatever that expectation of yours is. I would like to hear from you. If you're busy that day, great. Even just a quick what's going on in your life, how's your day going? Whatever, whatever it is that is sustainable to you. If you haven't talked yet about exclusivity or becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, at the six-month mark, I would say that's a conversation that needs to happen because you need to know where this is going. Great. You want a committed relationship. What does that timeline look like to you? We've known each other for six months and we're at this point. How does that fit into your timeline? And does his timeline feel like it's an alignment with yours? That doesn't mean you get married tomorrow. I definitely don't recommend that. And it's going to be a different answer for everyone. This is why I want you to decide ahead of time what you want things to look like. So if there is any misalignment, you can either say this doesn't work for me, this isn't this isn't a match, or you can say, This is what I need from you. Are you able to do that? Don't convince him, don't tell him. Let him know what you need, and then give him the opportunity to say yes or no. And then you make the decision. Because if he says no, then it's time to move on. If you haven't had those discussions about those things that are deal breakers for you, whether it's it's religion, basic moral standards, political views, that should have happened on uh, in my opinion, on the first date. That's how I do things. We don't have to get into the nitty-gritty of everything. But the biggest thing that I'm gonna personally ask is where are they politically? Because that is a deal breaker for me. Maybe it's not for you. And that's okay. If it's not, what is? If you haven't had those discussions, you you need to have that discussion. And if everything else is in alignment and you've expressed how consistently you want him to communicate and where you want the relationship to go, and he's agreed to it, then I would say give him some time to show you that he's gonna meet the standard he now knows he's being expected to meet. If he continues to disappear for long periods of time, even the first time after this conversation, let him go. If you've had the discussion, you've expressed what you want, the excuse of being busy no longer applies. I think people say that a lot just to excuse bad behavior or avoidance. And I know these aren't easy things to do, but in the long run, you're better off knowing early. Or if you've been in a relationship for a long time and it's time to go, you are better off than spending the rest of your life being miserable. You owe it to yourself to have a man in your life that communicates with you consistently, that shows effort, that invests in you, that is going in the same direction that you are when it comes to where you want that relationship to go. So, question number two. The man I'm seeing says he isn't ready for a relationship, but he also says that I'm different and he doesn't want to lose me. Should I wait to see if he changes? I think we've all encountered this one as well. Based on your question, I'm going to make the assumption that you want a relationship at whatever level that is. And he's already told you that he's not ready for one. You know the saying, if they show you who they are, believe them the first time, he's already told you he's out of alignment with what you want. In fact, you should thank him because he's been honest. That happened to me a couple of years ago. I dated a man for a couple of months, and he was up front with me from the beginning, that he was not looking for long-term commitment marriage. He was willing to go exclusive, but I don't know for how long he said he was willing to, but I think he was playing along because he was also afraid that I'd walk. He was pretty clear that marriage was off the table and it was something that I wanted. And I didn't listen. He had a lot of issues, and I think commitment scared him a lot. And I think he was also a dismissive avoidance. He treated me really well in some aspects. He courted me the way I wanted to be courted. He paid for all the dates, he planned them. In fact, he loved eating out as much as I did, and uh he lived in Flagstaff, and I lived about an hour away from him, and he absolutely got so excited about showing me all the different hangouts and restaurants in Flagstaff. He was a lot of fun. We went on a trip to Utah together and had a great time. He had a great sense of humor, but he was terrified of commitment. And I should have listened to him. Yeah, we had a great first date. We had a wonderful time, but he wasn't right for me. If there was a woman out there that was just looking for a fun time and a situationship, he would have been perfect. But he wasn't perfect for me. If they say they're not ready for a relationship, they're not going to change that. That is such a huge red flag. No matter what the reason is, whether they're still healing from a previous relationship or they just want to hook up. I would say it's time to walk. Move on. And let him know that. Hey, I really care about you. I've enjoyed our time together. You've expressed that you're not ready for a relationship. I appreciate that, that you shared that with me, honestly. And I need to be honest with you. I do want a relationship. And so this isn't working for me. I need someone who is moving in the same direction I am as far as commitment is concerned. I need to get in a relationship that's in alignment with where I want it to go. And I know that's going to be hard. And it's not going to be easy to say goodbye. But you, if you stay in this relationship, I can guarantee you there's going to be a level of anxiety and panic underneath that is never going to leave you because it's confusion and chaos. And you're creating it for yourself. I've been there. I know what that feels like when you're chasing something that isn't going to happen. You think you can change his mind. If I'm just good enough, if I do enough, if he loves me enough, he'll change his mind. I'll bet you money. That's what you're thinking. That's not how it works. You need to date a man who's in the same space that you are in the moment that you meet him. If I were to go on a date and a man, and I'm going to ask the first date what they're looking for long-term in their dating experience. And if they are not looking for a long-term committed relationship or marriage, I'm going to wish them well. Thank you so much for the coffee, the lunch. I enjoyed our conversation. I'm looking for marriage. I'm looking for a long-term committed relationship, and you're not. So this will never work. Patience is when someone is making effort. An example of patience would be maybe you're in a long-term relationship and they they're going through a really hard time emotionally, but they're working on it. They're going to a therapist, they're seeking support, and you help them through it. You don't do it for them, but you help them through it. Settling is when they're going through a hard time, but they do nothing about it. They make no effort to move through it or change. An example of that is my last husband was an alcoholic. I didn't know that at the time I married him, and that's why you should not marry someone seven weeks after you meet them. Because unfortunately, after I married him, I realized that he still had addiction problems when he claimed he had gotten over them years ago. I would have stayed with him if he'd done more than just go to AA. He was going to therapy sessions, but he wasn't working on his stuff. He would come home and tell me how he just basically talked guy talk during the session. Now his therapist, if he'd been a good therapist, would have said, if you aren't going to come here to do the work, I'm going to, I'm going to fire myself as your therapist. But that's not what happened. They would just kind of like hang out like buddies, and he did no work. Settling was staying with him while he didn't deal with the reasons he drank. When I got back together with him while we were separated, he had gotten sober. He wasn't drinking anymore and he was going to AA, but he wasn't dealing with the reason why he drank in the first place. And then that kind of bled over into some other things where he didn't protect me from his father, who was very abusive, because he hadn't dealt with the problems inside to have the ability to stand up to his dad. That was settling. And that's why I left. Being patient in that same situation, in addition to going to AA or whatever support he chose, he was actively working on his stuff with a therapist. He didn't necessarily have to share that because that can be a private moment for him. But I would see the evidence of that. When his dad would say or do things that were threatening to me, he wouldn't have put up with it. He wouldn't have been quiet. He would have seen his role as the husband as the protector. He would have taken accountability for the behaviors that he had done his whole life, but was now ready to change. And I would have stayed to support him through that. And it wouldn't have looked perfect. It probably would have been two steps forward, one step back. But he would be making progress. And it would be honest progress, not just telling me something to make it look good. That's patience. So I hope these two questions and a little bit of my personal story kind of helped you. If you're wrestling with that question about are you settling or are you just being patient? I hope that these examples kind of helped that for you. And as we close this, I just really want to encourage you, ladies, I want to hear from you. Please send me your questions. Either DM me on Facebook. The link is in the show notes, or send me an email. That information's all in the show notes. I would love to hear from you because I'd like to do more of these. There are so many of us that are going through the same thing. And if you're asking the question, somebody else is too. You have the power. And now it's time to act like it. Thank you for listening to You Have the Power, the Road to Truth Freedom and Rogue Connection. If something's stirring you today, don't talk yourself out of it. That is how women lose themselves. Not all at once, just one quiet compromise at a time. If the episode challenged you, like it, share it, and subscribe so you don't miss what's next. The life you want isn't waiting for you to be more confident, it's waiting for you to stop abandoning what you already know. Your voice has been there all along. Now it's time to trust you.