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Heal Yourself Podcast
A podcast diving into all aspects of healing; from nurturing your relationship with yourself, to functional medicine insights, to transforming your money story, we're here to empower you with the knowledge and tools to create lasting change.
Heal Yourself Podcast
Episode 52: Why Your Reaction Is More Important Than The Event: Emotional Regulation, Stress & Nervous System Healing
Have you ever wondered why some people seem to navigate life's challenges with grace while others crumble under similar circumstances? The secret lies not in what happens to us, but in how we choose to respond.
In this raw and deeply personal episode, Denise vulnerably shares her current journey through separation after 22 years of marriage, revealing how her years of inner work have allowed her to maintain peace even amid profound upheaval. Together with Kira, they explore the transformative power of conscious response—showing how our reactions to life events shape our experience far more than the events themselves.
This conversation goes beyond platitudes to address the real challenges of breaking old response patterns. You'll discover why two people can face identical situations yet experience completely different outcomes, how your physical health directly suffers when you remain stuck in stressful reaction cycles, and practical approaches to increase your awareness so you can make different choices in difficult moments.
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Welcome to the Heal Yourself Podcast, where we dive deep into all things healing. I'm Denise, a speech-language pathologist and a self-love coach for adults and teens.
Speaker 2:And I'm Kira, a traditional naturopath and functional nutritionist, and we're here to guide you through the transformative process of healing your body, mind and soul, from the latest in functional medicine of healing your body mind and soul, from the latest in functional medicine to nurturing your relationship with yourself, healing trauma and even transforming your money story.
Speaker 1:we're here to empower you with the knowledge and tools to create lasting change.
Speaker 2:So, whether you're looking to heal physically, emotionally or spiritually, join us as we explore the many paths to wholeness and wellness. Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode of Heal Yourself Podcast. Today, you have Denise and I and we're talking about how we respond to things in life, and this one's a tough one. I mean, none of our, none of our episodes are like easy things of like just do this one thing and you're going to be healed and you're going to feel amazing. But this one really is a challenging one, and, denise, you and I are always talking about this as a lifelong thing. But this is an area that I feel like most including us struggle to work on, because an event happens and we're like, oh my gosh, this was such a shitty, shitty situation and then we let it spiral us. But in reality, it's not the event, it's how we respond to the event, and this is like there's so much we could say on this, and it's kind of ironic because you're going through a lot right now yourself, I know.
Speaker 1:I am going through a lot and um, uh, as far as relationship wise. So, if you're listening, yes, I'm going through separation. I decided to, um, separate from my husband, or divorce, whatever, after 22 years. And just saying that out loud right now to the podcast people like that's huge for me because I was probably in denial for a minute, but sometimes it could be the event, right, we are living in the same home and, however, you'll be surprised how much, and thank God, the inner work, and I didn't. Then you'll be surprised how much and thank God, the inner work and I didn't.
Speaker 1:Then you know what, like, how, how people, like, truly it is, they don't, things don't happen for a reason. I don't like that, that terminology, but I like like things are constantly happening for you and they're working out for you. Had I not done the inner work, I wouldn't be in that piece, right. So, even though the circumstances around me are horrible, horrible, horrible because the father of my children is not being kind, in the past I would jump in to defend myself or to talk or to whatever, but I am in so much peace and honestly, he sees that peace as a threat, I think because I'm keeping my face, like even yesterday, like I totally feel, like I totally felt God within me. You know what I mean, like the peace. Of course, now that's enduring three hours of nonstop talking and then so, but I'm safe. I don't want people to think I'm not safe, right, so I know, you know. Yes, I do to go to another room, lock the door et cetera, but people can talk from outside the door, right?
Speaker 1:Like you know you can't stop someone from talking. You can't stop someone from talking, but you can definitely maintain your inner peace. However, for the person who's listening right now and saying, how can I get there? This was me years ago. How the heck can I get there? You get there by doing the inner work and by being determined that the inner work is super, super, super crucial. Right? I've always told you, kira, that I my like, yeah, sure, I would love the business to grow, the money, the health whatever, but always, always, always.
Speaker 1:Peace and calm among chaos was my value, was my not value, like my goal? Yeah, and I can. Now this is the chaos, like this is the ultimate chaos. I'm in and um, and I'm not responding in my old ways, right so the old ways because I've been doing also a lot of work with from Joseph Spencer and I'm only doing the YouTube stuff like I'm not even getting on and doing the courses and things that have so much going on. I still have a business to run and kids to see and my children and you know you know family stuff or whatever.
Speaker 1:But also he's really like big on, you know, changing the self. Like you know, you cannot grow if you continue responding as your old self, right, so my old self would get defensive, would respond, would try to prove herself, would try to prove you wrong. But I can, I can always go back to wayne dyer's quote I'd rather be happy than right like it doesn't matter, you can say all of the things that you want, or people can say all the things that they want I'm not just talking about relationship.
Speaker 1:Can be anybody, it can be a co coworker who's trying to tarnish your reputation or saying things about you, or whatever. There's nothing you can do other than your actions. Actions speak louder than words and I feel energy, the way that you carry those actions with this energy very speaks so much louder. So it could be the event, but the main, main, main thing, it is how you respond to it, and you're not going to get there by just reading a book or by meditating one time. You and I, kira, you know we've been doing this work since 2018. It's 2025 right now.
Speaker 2:It's baby steps and I want you guys to be clear. We're not saying that traumatic events are like oh, just brush it aside, it's just how you respond. No things really bad can happen in your life and in the world. Right, that's what we signed up for coming here onto this planet, especially at this time. But what I really want you guys to take away is that two people can go through the exact same situation and have a completely different outcome. Right, so like one person can go through a separation and, like the old Denise, it might've been screaming matches, it might've been spiraling, it might've been who knows what.
Speaker 2:Or you get into like a traffic jam Right, Like I used to go like throw a fit when I would sit in traffic taking my son to school. And it's like one person can curse and spiral into you know whatever. And another can be like you know what Great, I'm going to get another podcast episode in same event. Or somebody is diagnosed with something and is like, oh my gosh, like I'm never going to get better. Now I identify as this disease, yada, yada, yada. And another is like, oh my gosh, this is like an opportunity for me to view the world in a different way and to start living life. So the thing is is events themselves are neutral until you begin to assign meaning to it, to your nervous system, your beliefs, like you, are the one that assigns the meaning in your body.
Speaker 1:You know, I hope that makes sense and it's not denial. When someone's choosing to say you know, when they're stuck in a traffic jam they're saying, oh, I can get another podcast, and they're not in denial. Or you know the other example you gave in. This is not denial, this is just choosing yourself.
Speaker 1:You can't change the situation Right, exactly, can't change the situation and um, so it's really important to um, yeah, like and nothing, and and again and again you are going to, for example, like with me I'm achieving so much, you know I am getting that piece, whatever. But then, you know, today in the car I kind of like blew up a little bit on, you know. I mean I handled a lot yesterday. Right, it's not an excuse, but I did react as my old self. But what did I say? I was aware of it, I was not unconscious.
Speaker 1:I brought it up to the conscious and I said I did react my old way, you know, because she wanted to pass to pick up the pumpkin, whatever the Starbucks thing, and then I parked and then the drive-thru was so long that people were blocking me and I was like I need to get her to school. I mean, we still got to school plenty on time. So I did respond as my old way, but I didn't just brush it off, right, I did say, denise, you reacted like your old self. And that's awareness, because everybody talks about it, joseph Spencer talks about it, we know that every single spiritual, everything that says it's about awareness, bringing that unconscious, conscious right Instead of you know, continuing with life. I could have like, oh, reacted my old way and then just gone home and not said anything to myself, but I made sure to bring that awareness. And this is where the change happens, because, guess what, you know, next time or in a week, I'm not going to react the same to that. You know whatever you know, or you?
Speaker 2:catch yourself faster, right? So like it's funny that you say that, because I don't know yesterday. It's like this is where stupid, teeny, tiny things can build up, right, like I'm homeschooling my son for the first time and, guys, he's on the autism spectrum. He gets hyper focused on stuff and I love him, he is the most amazing kid, but he will not shut up about travel. Like everything is, what airplane are you flying? Let's pretend we're going here. And I'm talking about like we say, buddy, you're being a rock brain, we got to change the subject and it is nonstop. And so I had that.
Speaker 2:And then there's other little things again of like, oh, I encountered traffic here and the math lesson wasn't going well, and then this, and it was like such small things. But as I was laying with him, at the end of the day I could feel like tension in my body and I was like why am I so frustrated? This is already done, I can't change it. Why am I reacting this way? It is not a big deal. Enjoy this moment laying with your beautiful, healthy son, enjoy the day, enjoy the fact that you're living another day and let it go. And it was so amazing just to feel my body like release all this tension. I'm like, okay, if I'm reacting to these little things, what would I do for a big thing? So it's stuff like that. Okay, like I caught myself. Yay, we're going to celebrate that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then remember too, you know, um, there's like the small gratitude that I have to just right now point out that when he wasn't talking, he was non-verbal. Oh you know, what and this kid like talking right now. It's just like whoa. And now I'm complaining about I have no time, which is just. It's understandable, because I understand the loop and the obsessive you know like like the OCD tendencies.
Speaker 1:So this is a compulsive thinking that kiddos on the spectrum or neurodivergent kids sometimes get into, and mostly on the spectrum. But it also is I feel, and I want to say that as a speech therapist, I feel that it is also their way of regulating their nervous system. It is you still understand it right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well. And so one thing you guys know I love to touch back on the health aspect of this, but I can't tell you how many people I've talked to over the years not just clients, but, you know, women in my membership groups. I've done whatever or like well, I want to react that way, I want to be right, I want to do this. It's like fine, I understand that, but do you realize the impact it has on your health when you start to respond that way? And I don't think people do, because even me, with these such like minuscule things, could feel the tension in my body. From that I was creating stress.
Speaker 2:Now imagine if, day in and day out, that crap builds up. You're always in a stress response. Right, we're getting chronic nervous system dysregulation. The body can't heal in that state, right? So you are then choosing oh okay, I want to feel this way. I want to remain angry, upset, prove myself, whatever. Okay, well, now you're also choosing to remain inflamed. You're probably going to have some anxiety. You are X, y, Z, like it does directly impact your health?
Speaker 1:Oh, absolutely, absolutely. And then you're going to, and then one thing leads to another, and then you're going to start eating crap again or whatever You're going to go to the to something that feels good. No, absolutely. It all ties in to the health and that's why I feel that it's really, really important start addressing these things right, start being aware of them, because everything ties in nervous system, the body, the health. Right, because when your nervous system is happy and your body's happy, your health is happy. Right, so that's really, but I mean, there's no shortcuts. There's no shortcuts and I know you always talk about it like someone can be taking all the supplements that they whatever done, all they've worked with so many coaches, so many naturopathic doctors or whatever, but if they continuously are living in a in a toxic environment, or or they are, you know they are working in a toxic environment where everybody is.
Speaker 1:You know like I mean some people do stay in jobs that are they're not fulfilling.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, they go in. Oh my goodness, another day at the office. I mean this does matter, right? You know, like I keep going back and forth to myself and be like and you and I talked about it too that cause I did start my business. And I always say, like you know, now, with going through all of this, do I need to get a stable job so I can get a stable income? But I'm like, but wait a minute, but my business is doing well. You know, like, why am I reverting back to that? Why do I want to go?
Speaker 1:I left the school district for a reason, not, and I don't want to go back to it just for stable income. And then what am I telling my body? What am I telling myself? So it is important because a lot of people do stay for the retirement, for the 401k. You know I already put in 15 years, but I mean to be honest with you, I don't know what in your teaching career, kira, because I know you were there for about six years. I was in the seven, I was in the school districts for I want to say like a good 17 years, but I've seen so many teachers get sick after they retire or literally like die after they retire right away. Or their husbands get sick and now they're taking care of them, and then they get sick because they took care of them. Or literally they kind of like get so sick just that year of retirement, like so many, so many, and I'm like was it worth?
Speaker 2:the this, the pension, no, and that's the thing I got out. After seven years that was the sickest I had ever been. I was like I'm not gonna kill myself for this. This isn't where I'm meant to be. I'll figure it out. You know, like I go back to, one of my mentors always says and I remind you, everything is now, always, has been, will always be okay, and that's what I had to tell myself. It is time to leave. This job is not worth it. Um, you know, whatever reason. And yeah, I had a lot of stories. Oh my gosh, I spent all this money on these advanced degrees and I did this and this. It didn't matter, didn't matter.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah. So exactly Like you could be eating healthy and then being in that environment, and I was Right. Or, for example, some people suffer with their adult children.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Like again, a relationship doesn't have to be just between you know partners. It can be like you know you have an adult child who's 25 or 30 and still living home and you're still spending on them and you know that is considered a toxic relationship. So we're trying to give you so many examples because you know, like you're, it could be like, oh, that's not me, that's not me, but at the end of the day it is um, you know you could be eating the best diet, you can be doing all of the great things, all of the great protocols, but if you're continuing to react like your old self, with the emotions, with the stress levels, you continue to expose yourself to people, environments that no longer serve you, then you're messing up with the nervous system and that everything that you're eating is just, I mean it's, it's not, it is.
Speaker 2:I mean, yeah, it is a waste, ish, right, like all that yeah Well, especially because if you, I mean at that point, you're probably not absorbing the nutrients that you're actually putting in your body anyhow, Exactly.
Speaker 1:There you have it.
Speaker 2:Well, and I shared this with you too, um, again, going back to one of my mentors, um, one of his coaches said we all deal with traumatic events in our life and again, it's not the event, it's how you respond. There's something within that traumatic event to learn from right. Like, yes, we are not being punished. These negative events are invitations to learn why and where we're still reactive, where we're unhealed. Learn why, like why and where we're still reactive, where we're unhealed.
Speaker 2:And something I read was like the event mirrors back to us what we most need to face. And that reminded me of you at the shadow work of like, okay, this is a mirror, not for me, right, like, I'm not saying I'm this person that does X, y, z, but the reaction, it's mirroring back to me something that I need to face. Like I, I've shared this before boundaries, right, I keep getting lessons on boundaries. And then it's like oh, new level, new devil, you know. Like, oh, I'm doing great on boundaries over here, but now, okay, here's something a little more tough for you to handle. Let's see if you can do it with this one.
Speaker 1:I mean I've been in denial for a minute.
Speaker 2:I know.
Speaker 1:I've been in denial for a minute and, um, you know it's just, but it all came together and you know I go back and forth with like oh, my goodness, you know I should have done this sooner, this, this and that, because now it's more complicated, and whatever.
Speaker 2:But um, it had to happen that way for you to get it.
Speaker 1:You're right, it had to happen that way. And then I'm welcoming all these opportunities and I keep telling myself that this too shall pass. Obviously, you know, a year from now, this is not going to be as painful. Or you know, six months from now, whatever a year from now, and I keep surrendering. I keep surrendering to God, I keep surrendering, myering my fears, because of course, we are still human beings and we will, you know, kind of are thinking we'll go back, like today in the shower, I was like oh my goodness, like, oh, what is this, what about this, what about that? And it's like it doesn't matter, you know, no matter how much.
Speaker 2:You'll figure it out. That's what I always go back to. Yeah, you'll, that's what I always go back to yeah, you'll figure it out.
Speaker 1:Figure out. And it's not about like, about, oh, the, the, because you know when, when you're going through a separation, I mean there are the assets, the loans, the businesses, because we both have businesses. You know what I mean. So it is. But then it took me, like it took me to a moment of fear from all the like you know talking, but um, but I was like sure, and it could be that, or it could be that, or it could be this worse, or it could be this whatever. But at the end of the day, this too shall pass and I'll figure it out, no matter what I need to do. And it's not like, um, it's not a death sentence, right?
Speaker 2:It is.
Speaker 1:It is I'm choosing myself, and even, even you know, because, um, I'm being kind of like, because you know the children. The children are 14 and 19, you know, and and I keep telling myself, like, even if they don't understand, now are they going to put the blame on me? It doesn't matter, because I did stay for a long time for them, but what did? What did that do for me? It only makes things worse. So, right now, I just feel like, you know, even when people don't understand, no matter who is not going to understand, at least I am understanding and at least I am listening to my divine guidance, I'm listening to my spirit guides, I'm listening to my garden angels and whoever's gonna, you know, punish me or not, talk to me or or or or not agree with what I'm doing, that's on them. I'm not here to convince you, even if you are my beautiful child that I adore and love, and I was there for every single minute of their lives, but it just doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:And that's where the peace is coming in. Right, but that peace would not have come in had I not been doing a lot of inner work, had I not been um, and again, and again. It's up and down, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Again, this is what we always say. It is forever. I mean again me laying in bed last night thinking about these teeny, tiny little things. I'm like, seriously, all the work you've done. And then it's like, no, no, no, we don't beat ourselves up for that either. It's how do I want to respond? Moving forward and am I catching myself? And and we are, so we're going to react because we're humans, right, like we're not the dalai lama or a monk or you know whoever might not respond that way.
Speaker 1:I'm sure the dalai lama too, like, maybe catch themselves too, and that's the thing I have to go back to, because I don't know much about, like other spiritual leaders, other, I mean I do know about jesus, right, so, even jesus got like and he destroyed the temple when they were selling, like all this stuff, like that. So that's what I'm saying. Like you know, however, it's the awareness, it's always about the awareness. Now, there's a difference.
Speaker 1:If you, you know, you, you react the old way, you get angry or whatever. Had you not? You know, for example, had you carry it to the next day? This is, you know, this is you remaining unconscious, but because you brought it up, you're like okay, I'm aware of this moment, I'm aware that I reacted in an unconscious moment, or whatever, whatever, but I'm choosing right now to be conscious, I'm choosing not to carry it on to the next day, right, so, like, for example, with me, I was so calm yesterday, I was at peace, you know, know, even though there was a lot of chaos.
Speaker 1:But and then today I reacted like that with my daughter and then with, like, with the lady who was blocking behind me. I mean, I could have parked differently, right, I did not need to park where I had to, you know, back up, right, but I did bring that to an awareness. And then bringing that up and being aware of it, guess what? Next time it's gonna be different? Right, because if you keep doing, I have to go back to Albert Einstein. You keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. That's insanity.
Speaker 2:And there are so many people doing that.
Speaker 1:Right, because they're remaining unconscious. Right, we are remaining unconscious, but I mean, if you're going to take away anything from today is just dial up, turn up your awareness volume, turn it up. You don't even have to worry about the unconscious part. Don't worry about the unconscious part because it's going to, it's going to come, honey it is coming.
Speaker 2:It'll slap you in the face one of these days.
Speaker 1:Exactly. But when you increase the volume of the awareness, you are going to start catching these moments, um, whether you know more fast or whatever. And sometimes you're not, and that is okay as long as we keep moving forward.
Speaker 2:I love that, increase the awareness. And I'm also going to add make the choice. You get to decide, based on this event that happened, whether it was some teeny, tiny little thing or something major. How do I want to respond and move forward? Do I want to stay in this anger, frustration, shame, whatever emotion? Do I want to move it along? You get to choose in that moment.
Speaker 2:Just like I will say a lot of times, some of these events are due to our own interpretations, right, and our fears Well, and I'm just going to say, like the woman blocking you in I don't know the whole situation, but like one of the things I will say is, if someone would like cut me off in traffic and fly right Like, I've seen that happen Somebody literally almost ran me off the road because they were going so fast and swerved around on the what was that called the median, but you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like on the outside, of course, I'm like what is wrong with you? My kid's in the car with me and I was like you know what. In this moment, I get to choose again and I'm going to change my interpretations. So, instead of like saying this guy's a you know what, maybe his wife was in labor. Maybe X, y, z, it doesn't matter what the reality is, because it's my nervous system is going to respond. So if I change that interpretation, huh, okay, let it go, it's over, it's done with. I can't change it. Yeah, I hope your wife has a great you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like whatever it is exactly, You're not justifying the behavior, but you're changing the interpretation because I couldn't do anything, and so you don't get upset, exactly exactly so awareness, and then you make the choice. How do I want to feel about this situation?
Speaker 1:that's it, yeah oh, my goodness, is this? It is this it. We try to keep these. We try to keep this episode um short, because we do like it short and sweet, and you're listening in the car or listening while you're doing the dishes and, um, you know we have not forgotten about what we are planning and it will come to fruition and, to be honest, it will come to fruition at the right divine timing, right. So that's why we surrender, so stay tuned to that. I know that we also love, love, love the reviews. We love the you know we hit our.
Speaker 2:We love feedback. We hit our 50th episode, which is a big milestone. I love getting random DMS from you guys, whether it's to our podcast page. Individually, I'll get Facebook messages. Let me thank you Like. I just want to hear what you guys are taking away and if there are things you want us to discuss or if you want us to bring on certain type of experts. You know this is all about and share it.
Speaker 1:Share the episode with somebody who may have you know, who may need to hear something or whatever, because you never know. You may, you may share it. And then it's like, oh my goodness, I needed to hear that, right, so share it with a friend. Just find one friend today to share this with. Uh, get on the um where you listen so you can um rate and review, because it will also bring us up some more people, because I feel that you and I are very real and I'm not saying like other podcasts are not real, but we are using a lot of daily live stuff so we can, you know, heal ourselves and help you along the journey as well. So we're kind of like your besties. So make sure that you rate our podcast so more people listen to it. And just send it to one friend today all right, guys.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for listening. As always, we'll see you on the next episode.
