Episode 79: What If Peace Is Not The Absence Of Chaos?

Chaos doesn’t disappear when you start healing. What changes is who you become inside the chaos. We’re talking about the moment you realize the panic that used to drive you… just doesn’t show up the same way anymore, even when the workload, family stress, and real-life curveballs keep piling on.

We get honest about the myth that inner work creates a perfect life. Healing isn’t rainbows and butterflies. It’s noticing an old pattern, procrastination, pressure, spiraling thoughts, victim mode, and choosing not to dive back in. We break down what “calm through the storm” looks like in real time, why self-reflection can hurt, and how that pain often marks the doorway to freedom. Along the way, we unpack the idea of “new level, new devil,” and why growth often brings a fresh layer of challenge that tests what you’ve practiced.

You’ll leave with practical mindset and nervous system tools for emotional regulation: the difference between reacting and responding, permission to feel without letting emotions hijack your day, and reminders to practice moment by moment rather than checking a box with a morning routine. We also talk about letting go of blame, understanding programming from childhood without getting stuck there, and making tangible choices that build new beliefs and better outcomes.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to the Heal Yourself Podcast, where we dive deep into all things healing. I'm Denise, a speech language pathologist and a self-love coach for adults and teens.

SPEAKER_01 0:15

And I'm Kira, a traditional naturopath and functional nutritionist, and we're here to guide you through the transformative process of healing your body, mind, and soul.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

From the latest in functional medicine to nurturing your relationship with yourself, healing trauma, and even transforming your money story. We're here to empower you with the knowledge and tools to create lasting change.

Part Two On Chaos

SPEAKER_01 0:39

So whether you're looking to heal physically, emotionally, or spiritually, join us as we explore the many paths to wholeness and wellness. Today you got me and Denise again. And you know what? We're doing round two of talking about chaos. Yes.

Calm During A Real Work Storm

SPEAKER_00 1:02

We're doing part two. Because honestly, I think I asked you for us to talk about this subject because I had a lot of revelations. I don't want to say revelations. Is that a big word? No, um epiphanies, whatever you call them. But and I recorded a reel about it. Like, because I had the misconception of when you do the inner work and when you heal, uh a lot of like it's gonna be la la. It's gonna be perfect. I I really had this misconception. So maybe I wanted to share that experience because maybe someone else does have the that misconception. So, but then this week I noticed myself that I had a lot going on, and some of the stuff that I had is usually like uh so one of them is litigious too, it involves like um with the assessment. It involves a lawyer, an advocate, and I had other IEPs done. One was thrown at me. I have paperwork, I'm in transition between EMRs. So, long story short, there was a lot going on. And then usually in the past, what I would do is I would panic and then can push through, like can force myself to push through and store or and I would create more chaos and last minute and boil myself up and like work under that pressure. But then this week, the panic and that pressure didn't come. So I continued taking my breaks and taking my walks, and I was like, but where's the panic? Like, wait a minute. So I noticed that I just was calm, even no, the work didn't lessen. However, because I had the calm, I accomplished it with calm. Yeah, does that make sense? Like, that's why I wanted to talk about the part two of the inner chaos.

SPEAKER_01 2:52

It does, and that's the thing. Like, I've only had one panic attack my whole life, and it was in grad school. I was overwhelmed, trying to meet a deadline, of course. Um, but I feel like last week I could have potentially had another panic attack, but I didn't. You know what I mean? Because we have done so much inner work, it's like, yeah, I'm human, right? Like, yes, I let it get to me at moments, but you and I have this conversation right before we hit record. This is healing, this is what it looks like. It's not gonna be freaking rainbows and butterflies, like life still happens, shit still happens. There's gonna be times where you're like, oh my gosh, how am I gonna get through this? But you will, and the more you do the inner work, the more that calm comes through the storm, right? Right. And I think it's I mean, and that's the practice.

Awareness Stops Old Patterns

SPEAKER_00 3:45

It is, it's a practice. It's and then that's how what I notice. It the healing is you know, you not repeating an old pattern based on an old conditioning, hence that negative emotion or negative talk that used to come along with it doesn't come anymore. And that is the the healing in action, you know. So that's I don't know, like I really thought, like back in like when we were doing this, like, oh, you know, your life, my life is gonna be perfect, but there isn't perfect. No, it is you seeing you seeing the storm, but not diving deep in it and making decisions while you're outside looking at it. I see you, storm. I'm making those decisions and choices from outside of you, and I and I think this is also what people refer to as self-love, like not diving back into the storm, into the patterns, into the conditioning, and seeing it wearing different glasses.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

Yeah, and that's where the awareness comes in, right? Like recognizing, oh my gosh, okay, in the past, I would make the chaos worse. I would be griping to anyone who would listen. I would be, you know, sitting and thinking, oh my gosh, what if this happens and what if this, and recognizing that and starting to say, like, no, no, no, no, we're not gonna go down there. Things could be worse, or boy, we are still blessed throughout all of this, or whatever it might be, whatever situation, whether it's finances, relationships, you know, shit that's in your house, help, like, doesn't it? Help, absolutely, because chaos is always gonna be around. We're never gonna have a perfect life. It is, it's just more things, right? Like somebody, I think it was a business mentor years ago that said, new level, new devil, but it's so true. It's like, okay, I healed this layer. Boom! Here's another thing. Can you work through this? Can you use all the tools that you've been learning? What lessons do you still need to learn that you haven't learned? But now I'm gonna hit you with more chaos to see if you can learn those lessons. And I think that's what people ignore. They just get in victim mode of like, oh my gosh, all this stuff is happening to me. It's so bad. And that's it. There's no reflection, there's no awareness. No.

SPEAKER_00 6:09

And I mean, I also want to, I was talking to a friend about it, and I think I mentioned it in the reel yesterday. I mean, Kira, let's just kind of like be honest. And also, you and I didn't look within until we really looked within. Because you know, like it is cliche when people say the truth hurts, it does, but I think it actually physically hurts you, like not like aching and pain, but you know what I'm saying? Like, like emotionally, it hurts, and that's why we do understand you if you're not looking within, because it sucks. Like, no one wants to look and say, dude, I do this to myself, like I procrastinate and I create the chaos, and I take things personal, and I am defensive and I'm in victim mode. You know, it's hard, it's like criticism.

SPEAKER_01 7:01

Nobody likes criticism. Like, if someone comes up and tells me you did XYZ, I don't like that. And so it's the same thing when you self-reflect, you're just criticizing yourself, right?

SPEAKER_00 7:12

But at the end of that side, when you cross that bridge, you're like, Oh, like this week, dude, I shouldn't be feeling like this. Like, it's not just that, like, so many things were just happening, not just the work that I had to do, you know. My daughter's a teenager and she was really grumpy this week, and um, so there were so many things. Life was life, and and I was just like, okay, like it, yeah, but I wouldn't get here had I not done the true like looking at myself and telling myself, like, Denise, no, you get defensive, no Denise, you you pick up the phone and then keep complaining about the same problem over and over again and keep attracting it, you know, or no, Denise, you do this. So it really does help when you kind of like, and that's what it is to be sitting with yourself, truly, like you're sitting with the friend, but instead of getting upset with her about her, like, you know, telling you, you're like, you know what, you you're right, dude. Like, because it's worth it, it's worth feeling like again, it wasn't happiness, like I'm ecstatic, but it was the calm.

SPEAKER_01 8:28

Yeah, and the peace. It's a different feeling. That's the thing. It's like going through. I mean, if you guys listened to last week, you heard the chaos, legit. I have a phone call from a building biologist, so I'm waving to Denise. My husband's walking in. I've let him in the hotel, my kids in the background. Like, it was straight up chaos, which all I could do was laugh at that point. That was kind of funny, but like it's how you like I still felt like I'm at peace. I wasn't screaming, I wasn't crying, like you know what I mean? And that was just a small snippet of chaos in that moment. It's freeing, it's freeing when you realize, oh my gosh, like I'm not freaking out, I'm not blaming everyone else, every situation. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

Because a lot of people are looking for freedom. Yeah, that is the ultimate freedom. Yeah, that is the ultimate freedom when you are not the victim of those emotions because you took the time. It's kind of like when you go to the gym, right? So let's say you're training for a marathon and then you're like, wait a minute, I accomplished the marathon. Why? Because you you took the time, you put in the time to practice daily, to do whatever you want to do or whatever. You took the time to do that, so it's so freeing because you took the time to like, wait a minute, oh, pat myself on the back, but guess what? That doesn't mean something else is not gonna show up.

New Beliefs Through Better Choices

SPEAKER_01 9:58

Exactly. It's just new level, new devil, or another situation, you know, and this is where it goes back to our episode of Groundhog Day. If you've not listened to that one, of like start looking at how things have gone in your life. If you're like, oh my gosh, but I have these bouts of chaos that happen every month, and I freak out, okay, why are you living the same freaking day? Even if it's every month you're living the same thing. Look within, start reflecting, start having those painful conversations with yourself of like, how am I responding? How am I showing up? How am I talking to myself? What are the emotions that I'm getting into? And start making those changes.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

Absolutely. And following through is another thing. I think we really betray ourselves when we don't follow through with what we need to do, and that's another layer. Like, if you notice yourself, you you um you're you you're not following through, you say something and then you just don't do it, and then you make the excuse. That's something else to look into. But and then I think also, Kira, like once you you you start getting to those levels, I feel the decisions that you make in your life are different, you know. Like I used to fall into the trap, like, I'm gonna talk about my business, right? So I will, you know, hire a virtual assistant once this and this and this. And then the other day I noticed myself, like, wait a minute, I do need a lot of help, like it doesn't matter. So I hired the virtual assistant and it's been oh you know, yeah, yeah, and or like so so you you start um making build not is it making building new beliefs? Yeah, creating new beliefs, even yeah, exactly. Creating new beliefs about anything, right? I'm giving you the tangible example about business, but it could be healthy. You fill in the blank, right? And again, if you want us to uh to talk about something really specific, you can message us and we can address your situation and the premium content um because that will be kind of like personalized and related to you. So you can definitely, you know, subscribe and let us know, and we can because I sometimes we cannot like cover so many examples, but you can be like, hey, you know, Denise and Kira, I have this situation. What do you think? And this is gonna be like, okay, we're gonna record a mini episode just for that. I mean, of course, not with names, but you know, yeah, like with an example of that situation.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Yeah. Well, and you said something that made me think of just reacting versus responding. And that's the thing, is so many people react. You know, think about it. Somebody says something to you, you react. A situation happens, you react. You want to get to the point where you're responding, right? You're human, right? I'm not like we are human, we will still react. But the majority of the time you want to respond of like this chaos is happening, whatever it might be. Instead of that freak out, it's what's my next step? What do I need in this moment right now? Rather than you know, rather than whatever it might be.

SPEAKER_00 13:09

Yeah, and it could be like you know, taking a walk, for example, or taking a nap, or talking with a trusted friend that you know usually calms you, or you know, cuddling with your pet, whatever it is.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

But you need to respond, you know.

SPEAKER_00 13:22

Yeah, don't this don't dismiss yourself too. And I think the more, yeah, no, I love that. And right now I feel myself like definitely responding more. And then, like you said, we are humans, so I do give myself sometimes permission, like, okay, react, but don't blow up on people. You can go in your car and react and scream, do whatever. Yeah, and then or like set a timer, like, okay, Denise, you wanna you wanna freaking throw a fit, throw a fit for 10 minutes, and there you go. Because sometimes you do, like, fuck it, you know whatever.

SPEAKER_01 13:53

Emotions, like we talked about that. You have to move the emotions, that's normal. Like, we're not saying suppress it. I like I said, when all this chaos hit, I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm gonna lose it. Like, but I had to work through it and I didn't let it take over everything, which that's the thing. Look around, look at how many people are stuck in their crap and who let it take over their lives.

Stop Blaming Others Take Power Back

SPEAKER_00 14:16

Don't do that, don't do that. No, and then seriously, bottom line about today, part one last week, and then part one this part two this week is to for you to like really uh go on a date with yourself and sit down with yourself and and you know talk. And guess what? It it is gonna be painful. I I get it, it's gonna be painful, but it's really worth it. And at the end, because you deserve more than the crap that you're taking or the crap that you're creating, because sometimes I mean, let's look at it this way. Sometimes, Kira, we're creating that. Like, I know I used to create chaos because I'm like, oh, you know, I work well under pressure, let me create pressure.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

Uh now, oh I don't know. I yeah, that's the same thing, and that's where it also goes into looking into our programming and what are some of those stories and beliefs and patterns that we had even growing up, and what did we witness growing up from our moms, our dad, whoever, you know, like that's the ultimate reflection and awareness.

SPEAKER_00 15:19

And don't hold them accountable, let them be. Exactly. I get it, like okay, fine. We grew up watching this, and uh, you know, like these beliefs, but what leave them alone, work on you because fine, exactly knew what they knew, they taught you what they taught you. They want to change, fine, they don't want to change. That's on them. Don't like say, Oh, but you know what? My mother or my dad did this, and I need to get back and no, just let them be, leave them alone, work on you, and that's it.

SPEAKER_01 15:51

Yep, that's a good point because I've had some clients in the past who we start talking about emotions and they're like, but so-and-so, you know, said this to me, so I have to get back. No, you don't, no, you don't. Now you're giving away your power and creating even more chaos. You saw these patterns, right? Like my mom was go, go, go. She wasn't a bad mom, but I witnessed, oh my gosh, it's not safe to sit down, it's lazy to rest, like get up in the middle of dinner and start washing dishes, like just keep moving. So, yeah, that was a pattern I adopted. That's still her pattern. I am choosing something different for me because I'm realizing that didn't serve me. It's nothing against her. I'm sure she witnessed that from a parent too. Like it just handed down.

SPEAKER_00 16:33

I think, but that's not but again, if you are also blaming others and waiting for them to change, guess what? Guess what? Turn the finger around. That is another excuse. That is another excuse of delay, and that is good to be like, you know what? I am delaying, I'm witnessing delaying right now. I'm rehearsing, delaying, I'm rehearsing procrastination. So that is what we want you to um take from this. Is you know, I mean, just start reflecting how I put it this way go on a coffee date with yourself or cuddle with your pet or your stuffed animal. I have a weighted stuffed animal, by the way, that I love. Or just sit with yourself and truly, you know, be real and truthful, even if you're not gonna change. If you're gonna tell you, you know what, self, I'm not gonna change right now, but I want to look at them, I want to just kind of like flash the flashlight. But please don't blame others because others is blaming others is another delay, you know, wanting them because they're not gonna change, or if they're gonna change, that's on them, it is not on you. So 100%, right? Yeah, yeah. Any other words before we talk about our premium content again?

Practice In The Moment Daily

SPEAKER_01 17:44

No, I think that's tools, right? It always goes back to the same things awareness, looking at your emotions, looking at thoughts, looking at patterns. But that's what you have to do if you want change in your life. Your exterior, yeah, it's not gonna change until you change, right? The exterior is just a mirror, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 18:04

And then just practice it, and you're practicing them in the moments, right? You're not just practicing because I'm gonna, I'm, I'm guilty of this. I used to like uh, you know, do my meditation and uh do my tools or whatever, my morning routine, but then throughout the day, I'm not practicing. So the morning routine and then the tapping that I did and the meditation, the journaling, they just didn't, they wanted to waste it.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

It was like, so my husband and I say, This is gonna sound so bad, but we grew up Catholic like you, but like the Catholics that are like, I can go to church to check off that box, but I'm gonna be a different person the rest of the week. It's the same thing. Let me just check off this meditation and journaling, and then I'm gonna ignore everything else the rest of the day.

Premium Content And Listener Messages

SPEAKER_00 18:47

Yeah, so that's where it's the healing happens in the moment, moment by moment, and that's why we ask you to increase that awareness. So, Kira, before we end, let us know about our premium content.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

Yeah, so guys, this is just it's so inexpensive. What is it,$2.99 a month? It's not even a cup of coffee. Like three bucks, yeah. Yeah. Um, it's short list less than a coffee, by the way. Yeah, that's why I said it's less than a coffee. It's just short content. Like, this isn't like, hey guys, spend another hour a week listening to us. They're bite-sized. I mean, it's when we're inspired. It's if someone messages us, right? Like again, you can message us, hey, this is something I'm going through. This is how I'm responding. Would you do the same thing? Would you respond a different way? We are not therapists, we're not experts, but we can absolutely provide insight from our own journeys, and that's it. You know, when we feel inspired, we just record something and put it on there for you guys. So it's great.

SPEAKER_00 19:43

Yeah, and our longest episodes is like five minutes. I mean, unless like you want us to go deep into the, you know, but again, even when we're answering your specific question, it's gonna continue remaining anonymous, absolutely. But we will uh address it personally. It's like view it this way, it's kind of like you're sitting with both of us, and we're both, you know, guiding you through based on our own experiences and everything that we've learned throughout the years.

SPEAKER_01 20:09

Yeah, and I think you have a free one-week trial or something, too. So that's true.

Closing Breathwork And Mantra

SPEAKER_00 20:13

Yeah, you're right. It's a seven-day trial. Try it out. Yeah. Alrighty, well, let's end the usual. Today I'm gonna change it up. We are going to inhale for four, hold for two, exhale for six while repeating everything always works out for me. Okay, so we're gonna do only two rounds. You know the drill. If you're driving, please do not close your eyes. But if you're not driving, you put one hand on your heart, one hand on your belly. We're gonna inhale for four, two, three, four, hold for two, one, two, exhale for six, two, three, four, five, six. Everything always works out for me. Again, inhale for four, two, three, four, hold for two, one, two, and exhale for six, two, three, four, five, six. Everything always works out.