Episode 92: You Are Not That Important And That’s Freedom

The “what if they don’t like me?” spiral can hit even when you’ve done years of inner work and that’s exactly why we wanted to talk about it. We’re Kira and Denise, and we’re unpacking how people pleasing, wanting to be liked, and self-judgment stack on top of each other until you’re no longer acting like yourself. If you’ve ever replayed a conversation, drafted the “perfect” follow-up text, or tried to manage someone else’s feelings so you don’t get judged, you’ll recognize this pattern fast.

We connect the dots back to childhood conditioning and conditional love, where approval can feel like survival. Then we bring it into real life: work meetings, authority figures, social media comment sections, and the quiet ways we perform to stay “safe.” The point isn’t to make triggers disappear forever. Healing is the journey of noticing the old identity show up, building awareness, and choosing a new response that protects your energy, your boundaries, and your authenticity.

Transcript

A Small Step Back To You

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hey, before we dive into today's episode, we want to tell you about something we created just for you.

SPEAKER_00 0:07

It's called the Beginning. It's a mini audio course, and that's exactly what it sounds like. Not a finish line, not a transformation overnight, just a starting point.

SPEAKER_02 0:18

Because here's the thing: you don't have a motivation problem. You have a nervous system problem. And that's what this course actually addresses.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

It walks you through awareness, emotions, nervous system regulation, boundaries, trust, the real foundations. The stuff that has to come first before anything else can stick.

SPEAKER_02 0:39

It's the 1% shift. You go from a zero to a one. And from a one, everything else becomes possible.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

You don't need to be ready. You don't need to have it together. You just need to be willing to take one small step back to yourself.

SPEAKER_02 0:56

The link is in the show notes. Go check out the beginning.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

We're waiting for you.

Summer Chaos And A Lesson Mindset

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of Heal Yourself Podcast. And today you got Kira and Denise again.

SPEAKER_02 1:10

Hello.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

Happy summer.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Exactly. Happy summer. Happy summer with chaos. But it's good, it's good chaos. I like summer. It's always good chaos. I mean, even the um the other chaos.

SPEAKER_02 1:28

That's true. But it's not summertime. It's always good. And you know what? Now that you mention that, now that you mention that, this is that's crazy how things just today. This is the quote that was um that popped from Dr. Wayne Dyer. Become aware that there are no accidents in our intelligent universe. Realize that everything that shows up in your life has something to teach you. Appreciate everyone and everything in your life.

SPEAKER_00 1:54

So good. And so true.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

And it's what we always talk about. Everything is a freaking lesson. Learn from it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:01

And it ties into our other episode where we said, don't take life seriously, enjoy every moment because these moments are not going to come back, whether the the bad, the good, the ugly, the beautiful, everything. So just embrace them because you are learning. Even in the moment, it may seem chaotic, but you know that when you look back, you're like, thank God this happened.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

Yeah. Yeah.

People Pleasing And Needing To Be Liked

SPEAKER_00 2:24

So today the podcast idea came to me talking about people pleasing, but also wanting to be liked and judgment. Like I feel like these three go together. And I won't, you know, I usually I love to share a good story. I'm not going to share a story, but I can tell you that I noticed this pattern show up the other day because I was thinking, oh my gosh, I could have responded differently. They could have said something differently. What if I'm not? Like I almost went back to childhood of what if this person doesn't like me? And I'm like, oh my gosh, this is so ridiculous. Because A, who cares? And B, so what if they don't? You know, but it's so common for us to get caught up in that. And then we start to judge ourselves. And then we're trying to show up in a different way because we want to please people. And it's like, why do we do this? Where does it stem from? How is it serving us? Because it's not.

SPEAKER_02 3:20

Well,

Childhood Roots And Conditional Love

SPEAKER_02 3:21

I believe it's stemming from childhood, right? Because, you know, our identity was formed either seven seven ages prior or ten. Yeah. So I've the other day, I don't know where I heard it, like before the age 10, but it could be, you know, seven. And I believe a lot of things stem from childhood, right? You wanted to please your teacher. If you didn't get a good grade, you needed to uh I don't know, please them or please the adults. And some people didn't have, you know, maybe had parents that were not emotionally mature, so they had to tiptoe around it or please them in order to survive, you know, and I think it's definitely stemming from childhood and the society too. The society doesn't really help us. No, there's a lot of judgment out there, there's a lot of people pleasing and really going out of, I don't want to say going out of your way, but giving from yourself. So pleasing others. Because when you are pleasing others, you're trying to be liked. You're trying to be liked, also, but you're giving away from your authenticity, right? You are putting a mask that's not even yours.

SPEAKER_00 4:40

No, I get it. And I think, I mean, honestly, this goes back to one of our first episodes on self-love. I feel like the more you love yourself, the more you catch it. I'm not gonna say it goes away because look, I've been doing this work for a long time, and that still popped up. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm getting into I'm not good enough, and this person doesn't like me. But I caught it and realized like that's just a story. And when I love myself enough, it doesn't matter. And you were talking about society. I think it goes back to there's a lot of people that don't truly love themselves, so they are people pleasing or like overly judging others. Look on social media, and then the childhood piece, it goes back to receiving conditional love. And I think so many of us got that conditional love of, but you can do better, or get that grade, or I'll love you more when you achieve this. However, it showed up. I don't think our parents did it on purpose or whoever, you know, put that in us, but that's how we perceived it in childhood.

SPEAKER_02 5:47

Yeah, and to your point, it's not gonna go away. And what but you what you did is through the work, and what I do as well is because remember how what we say, it's awareness, awareness, awareness. That's your very first step. So you were aware of it and you didn't act upon it. Whereas in the past, you would have probably dwelled, oh my goodness, I need to like over-explain or do this. So healing, and we have to go back to saying that healing is not the thing going away, it is you shifting your identity to respond to it differently, recognizing it that this is a pattern from the past, but I'm not gonna act upon it. I get those feelings all the time, especially right now as a business owner, and I contract with school districts, I have to talk to advocates, sometimes to lawyers, and sometimes it is intimidating, quote unquote. However, I catch it, I am aware of it, and I remind myself that that is no longer the identity. I am doing my job, I'm a professional, whether they like it or not, it doesn't matter. And sometimes I I am in litigious meetings where they're not like the district is not gonna agree with me, right? However, you just step back and say, Those are my results, this is my recommendation, take it or leave it. And I had one actually about two weeks ago where I went back, oh my goodness, like could I have done something different? And I also had to stop myself and journal about it. Like, Denise, you did your due diligence, you did your job, you know. Obviously, they were on the same page to disagreeing with everybody that came as a third party. So don't take it personal. And that's where, you know, even with healing and with the inner work, it's gonna completely keep coming back.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

And that's the thing. Like, I think that's that's the point that we want people to realize with this podcast, with our course, with all the things, is healing really is not a destination, it is the journey, and like you said, it's catching those. So, like I caught myself in the past, then those stories would have crept back in. Then I would have spiraled, then I would have thought about, oh my gosh, what if I said this? Should I send an email response so that I'm understood? And really, I was like, what does it matter? Like, really, who cares? Let it go. So, what if I said something that didn't make sense? So, what if they thought X, Y, Z, it doesn't matter? And

Judgment Online And In Real Life

SPEAKER_00 8:13

like you and I were talking about right before we hit record, we're always gonna be judged. People are always judging, we're always judging. Look around, like pick a celebrity. Do you like them? Okay, then, you know, like we're gonna be judged, deal with it.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

Right. And you're you can't please everybody, and you don't like everybody in the whole wide world. Like, can you tell me, you, Kira, you like every single person out there? No, yeah, and that's normal. And some people they're gonna like us and some people not, and it doesn't matter, you just be your authentic you and who you are, and that is self-love. Self-love is being fearlessly yourself and not having to give away from who you are to please others, or give away from who you are, so you're not judged because you're getting judged anyway, anyway, and you're not gonna please everybody. You can try the best that you can, and still somebody's gonna find something. So, exactly. Look at the internet. There are some people like sometimes I follow like these accounts that are either you know, like influencers or whatnot, and some of the comments on their feed, like if they posted a video or whatever, I'm like, are you really telling this to another human? You don't even know their lives, you don't even know. Like, you don't even know what they're going through, but they just they just overly judge, especially right now with social media, because your life is being judged based on their social media. So people think that your life is just perfect, even though, and I get it, like some people don't want to post like that shit on social media, you know what I mean? But that doesn't mean that they don't have things going on behind the scenes, it's just they are, you know, maybe enjoying themselves or choosing to be positive or whatever. But there's so many people judging, or or you know, if they see somebody, you know, in a in a new car or something, they constantly judge, oh, they have money and they can do this and they can do that. Like I've heard it without from other people, and it's like you don't know what their freaking finances are, it doesn't matter, you're not in their bank account.

SPEAKER_00 10:21

Yeah, so and what does it matter at the end of the day if they drive a freaking Aston Martin or whatever? You know what I mean? And I think I think we should also look at what is the route of people pleasing, what is the root of judgment? It's

Fear Versus Love In Daily Choices

SPEAKER_00 10:38

all fear-based, and you've talked about that before. Like, are we making decisions from fear or from love? And so when you get into that people pleasing or self-judgment, or oh my gosh, what if this person doesn't like me? That's all fear, that's not love. Because if you are showing up as you rather than you know putting on a performance, which I don't know about you, but I don't want to live like I'm, you know, in a theater, then yeah, it's all fear. And that's just hurting you. It's hurting physical you, like health, and then you're not growing, you're not evolving.

SPEAKER_02 11:12

Yeah. And it goes back to the episode where we talked about fear and love. There are just two, either you do things out of love or you do things out of fear. So when you are judging yourself and others, or when you are people pleasing and performing, like you said, putting on a mask that's not even yours, this is being afraid of what people are gonna think, what they're gonna judge. And at the end of the day, they the people that you're worried about, they're really not worried that much about you.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

No, right?

SPEAKER_02 11:44

I think we overly think that oh, they're sitting down talking about me all day long. I doubt it.

SPEAKER_00 11:49

You're not that important, and and I have to tell myself that. Like these things that we can blow up, I'm like, I'm not that important. Like, I highly doubt.

SPEAKER_02 11:58

You know what helps me sometimes uh just kind of take that into perspective? I visualize or I see, because you know, like the if you look at the earth from the universe, we're not even a dot. I know. So it's like, dude, you're not that important. Like, and this problem is not that important. You're literally a dot in the whole universe. So stop, and that's another thing. Stop taking yourself too seriously. You know, I I feel like our episodes is kind of like a book and a story, and you know, like it's just it's continuously flowing, which is maybe we can use AI to just put it all as a book. Maybe. Oh my goodness, you never know. Maybe let's see. That's you never know, you never know. So, but yeah, and it's not and taking away from your energy because you uh you wake up, and I think um Anila had said that, or maybe Jim, like you wake up with a certain amount of energy, just reserve it, don't waste it on unnecessary things that you don't even need in your life.

SPEAKER_00 13:02

Yeah. And I just I'm trying to figure out where to go with this. We're just all so guilty of this, and I it's funny because you're talking about our episodes tying together, and I'm like constantly thinking, Well, we talked about that and we talked about that. So I can't keep saying go back to this episode, but it is all working together because this is where the stories come in, this is where the self-love comes in. This is where you have to start to reflect and to look at what are these patterns? Like, why am I trying trying to please these people or this person or you know what I mean? Because it's not necessarily people pleasing everyone, but you're gonna notice patterns. You're gonna notice patterns on where am I getting into judgment? Who do I care about doesn't like me, right? Like Joe Schmoe walking down the street. I don't care, but somebody that maybe is my superior, I do care why. What you know what I mean? So I think it's important to also dig into some of those things and start to coach yourself. Like you can be your best coach, but a lot of times we don't do that. We just, you know, let the stories run the show and then go about our day.

SPEAKER_02 14:15

Right. Or outsource it to another coach to tell us what to do, but then we still don't do it. So uh absolutely it's look into those patterns and see because it it may be also you're you're pleasing your children, you're overly pleasing, like you said, your uh your employer, your managers, etc. Or you are overly pleasing, I don't know, like I feel like like you said, just take a mental note and just dig deeper into why am I doing this? Yeah, why am I, and then sometimes also uh look within and see why am I judging? Why am I showing up like this in the world, right? Why am I judging these people? And realize, like if you see yourself judging somebody or commenting on somebody, like immediately reflect and say, wait a minute, yeah, where can I be that? Because remember, life and the relationships in in our lives are mirrors. So where am I acting this way? Where am I being like this, whether judgmental, people pleasing, etc., um, or talking negatively about others.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

And and that's the hard work. That's the piece that matters is looking at life as a mirror and understanding that everything is a lesson. Um,

Awareness, Patterns, And Self Coaching

SPEAKER_00 15:40

because you heard us. I mean, I got into it this week, and you know, thinking about that, but I'm like, this is so ridiculous. But it's gonna continue to show up, and that's okay. I've got the tools. The goal is not for it to never show up again. It's how do I respond differently now? What lesson can I learn? Because the same type of situation can continue to show up in your lives, but each time you can respond in a different way and get a different lesson because we're always evolving, or at least I hope we're evolving.

SPEAKER_02 16:10

Absolutely. And then it is gonna come in different ways and in different contexts and different situations. It may not look the same, but the pattern will look the same and how you respond. So it's all about reflection, and that's that's what it is with healing, and all about this podcast is nothing's gonna go away forever. They're gonna continue showing up, and you just show up differently. And you and again, it goes back to the identity piece. Who are you becoming in the process? And that is the lesson of healing is who am I becoming in the process of that evolution? Am I becoming a better version of myself, or am I stuck in the old version or I'm regressing? And it's all about awareness. And and again though, I have to point the fact that, and if you don't catch something, let's say, and you may fall into a previous pattern, don't judge yourself. Just say, you know what? I see you, my goodness, you reacted the same way, you responded the same way, but I'm not gonna judge myself, I'm gonna forgive myself, and there's always another chance because life is in moments and it's literally every moment. So even if you mess up one moment or two moments, you have a whole moments to be aware of.

SPEAKER_00 17:32

Well, and that judgment piece, when I wanted to dig into it, sure, we judge others, but I think we're most judgmental of ourselves, but we have to recognize that, right? And look at why am I responding this way? Why am I acting this way? Why am I thinking this? Because it is a judgment. We're constantly judging ourselves, our thoughts, our words, and you know, whatever situation we're going through. And so we have to reflect on that, but we also have to give ourselves that grace. And like you said, like it's okay. It's okay.

SPEAKER_02 18:05

Absolutely, absolutely. And we've talked about it, and I'm gonna talk about it again, and just be having grace with yourself, also recognizing that some days you may not have the 100%, some things, some days your 100% is that 20%, and that's okay. Yeah, just always be graceful with yourself, forgive yourself, and don't wait on an higher power or superiors to forgive you or to validate you. You validate yourself, you be your own best friend, and that's what self-love is being your own best friend, and not constantly giving from that, giving away your your beautiful soul and who you're becoming.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

Well, and I was actually gonna say something along those lines of um, or piggybacking on that, I guess.

Identity, Respect, And Taking Up Space

SPEAKER_00 18:54

When we're constantly trying to please people, I don't care who it is, a kid, a friend, a superior, whatever, we're not gonna be respected by them, right? Because they don't necessarily like us, they like all that we're doing for them. And that's not you. They don't even know the authentic you because you're so busy trying to please, please, please, and not have them judge you. And it's just a spiral.

SPEAKER_02 19:21

Absolutely. And then, like, let's say, and if if if it's an employer trying to please, guess what? They will replace you in a heartbeat. They'll replace you in a heartbeat. So you know, just yeah, think of yourself and just be more aware of these moments and always remember that identity, that better version of yourself that you want to be, and how uh she or he would respond or answer or be in the world. Okay, I think if you have that it's easier to guide you, you know what I mean? Like, because I, for example, like when I think of that identity, I'm like, you know what? It's okay. Like, open the email, that's fine. Whatever is in the email, it's okay. So so I do give myself that this pep talk based on the identity that I am identifying with right now versus the old version. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00 20:19

It does, and it it all goes back to identity, right? Every mentor I've ever had, you have to change at the identity level. So look at yourself. Who do you want to show up as in this world? If it's a people pleaser that's not authentic, then fine, but I really hope that's not what you're after. You want better health, you want more wealth, you want better relationships, whatever. Who do you need to be to achieve those things then? So stop judging yourself, stop judging others, you know, in a way that we can. Stop trying to please everyone and stop trying to be liked because you're not gonna always be, and that's okay. Just learn to be okay with it.

SPEAKER_02 20:57

Yeah, and learn to be to be okay sometimes, pissing people off when you speak your mind or when you respectfully, obviously you're not yelling at them, but when you respectfully state your opinion, you it it's fine. Like be ready and be okay with some people, you know, getting pissed off at you. You and I say things that not everybody likes, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Like we can listen to people's opinions, and and if you are gonna get offended, then it is what it is.

SPEAKER_00 21:27

Yeah, but if you're showing up with love and saying those things, then who cares with authenticity, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 21:33

Because at the end of the day, you want to please yourself.

SPEAKER_00 21:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:36

You know, you want to be there for yourself, and this is not selfish, it's not selfish because you are filling your own cup.

SPEAKER_00 21:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:44

So yeah. Anything else that we need to talk about, or are we gonna I think that's it.

SPEAKER_00 21:51

It was short and sweet, and it gives them some some takeaways.

SPEAKER_02 21:56

Yes, we have a lot of takeaways, a lot of work to do, but I feel like everything that we say is it's just compounded on the next. It is, yeah.

4-7-8 Breathing And Closing Mantra

SPEAKER_02 22:05

So we're gonna do our breath as usual. 4, 7, 8, 10s. If you're not driving, close your eyes. If you're driving, do not. And our mantra for today is it is safe to take up space. Okay, ready? I'm ready. All right, okay. We're gonna take we're gonna inhale for four, two, three, four, hold for seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, and exhale for eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. It is safe to take up space. Again, inhaling for four, two, three, four, holding for seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, and exhaling for eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, and one. It is safe to take up six. So go and take up six.

SPEAKER_00 23:12

And we'll see you on the next episode.