Episode 100: Emotions Are Messengers

Your emotions might be sabotaging your health, and not because you “feel too much,” but because you either ignore them or replay them until your body thinks the threat is happening again. We get real about the two common traps we see everywhere: emotional bypassing (stay busy, stay positive, don’t cry) and emotional drowning (rumination, rehearsing, collecting evidence, spiraling). Neither one helps your nervous system feel safe, and when your system doesn’t feel safe, your body pays the price. 

We break down a simple but powerful idea: emotions are messengers, not managers. They can point to a boundary, a need, or an old wound, but they’re terrible decision-makers. So we talk about how to feel what you feel without letting anger, fear, guilt, or anxiety drive the car. You’ll hear practical emotional regulation tools we actually use, including naming the feeling, getting into the body instead of the story, taking a walk, grounding, and creating a 1% shift toward a better state. 

We also go somewhere most conversations miss: positive emotions can flip into stress if you can’t stay with joy long enough to feel safe. If excitement turns into “don’t jinx it,” that’s a nervous system pattern you can change. We close with a “feel it to heal it” mantra and a calming breath practice you can use anytime. If this helped, subscribe, share it with a friend who spirals, and leave a review telling us what tool you’re trying first.

Transcript

Welcome And What Healing Means

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Welcome to the Heal Yourself Podcast, where we dive deep into all things healing. I'm Denise, a speech language pathologist and a self-love coach for adults and teens.

SPEAKER_00 0:15

And I'm Kira, a traditional naturopath and functional nutritionist, and we're here to guide you through the transformative process of healing your body, mind, and soul.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

From the latest in functional medicine to nurturing your relationship with yourself, healing trauma, and even transforming your money story. We're here to empower you with the knowledge and tools to create lasting change.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

So whether you're looking to heal physically, emotionally, or spiritually, join us as we explore the many paths to wholeness and wellness.

Why Emotions Matter For Health

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Hello, welcome to another episode with Kira and Denise. Yeah, both of us here, and today we're gonna be talking about emotions. I know this is one of our most downloaded episodes. I know we did two parts, and we are on for like another one because we love emotions, we go through them, and we also want to share the new things that have worked for us.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

And I think this is such a big topic because we have emotions constantly. We do. Yeah, it's like how do you work through emotions?

SPEAKER_01 1:29

So yeah, and a lot of our emotions when they are suppressed cause a lot of physical ailments, physical illness. And that's why it's important that we always talk about this topic, right? Because you and I forget all the time, and I feel that we remind ourselves with with the conversations that we have here on the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

Yeah. Yeah. Um I want to start by saying, like, I feel like when it comes to emotions, people are doing one of two things. Well, it could be three. Three, you have very healthy

Bypassing Vs Drowning In Feelings

SPEAKER_00 2:05

emotions. Great. You probably don't need to listen to this episode then. Um, but most people are stuck in one or two, one of two things. So, first one is they're just bypassing them entirely, right? I'm gonna stay positive, I'm gonna stay busy, I'm just gonna completely ignore them, or like the men who are like, I don't cry because I was told like it's weak, you know, so like bypassing, or drowning in them, like replaying these things over and over, or catastrophizing, or just thinking about, oh my gosh, I don't want to get out of this motion because I want to get angry with this person because it makes me feel better. So they're stuck in one of these two categories, and I'm going to say neither is serving you.

SPEAKER_01 2:47

Absolutely. And I want to add that emotions are messengers, they're not managers, right? So they they they are showing you something, they're giving you a message, but they shouldn't be the manager driving, you know, being in the driver's seat, right? So uh they they tell you something, they want you to pay attention to something, but sometimes there are terrible terrible decision makers, right? So if you are letting the anger take the driver's seat, it's not making decisions that allow, and that's why sometimes when we make decisions out of anger, what happens the next day? We regret them or the next hour, and you're like trying to do to do damage control. So it instead of asking, instead, so what I want you to ask and think about is what uh and I also what I ask is what is this emotion trying to show me? And then I have to come back to what you always preach about. I think what you learned from Jim is that you let or I let my values, not my emotions, make the decision, right? So feel the emotion, feel your emotions, but don't let them drive the car. Don't put them in the driver's seat, put them in put them in the passenger seat or the trunk or the back seat.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

Yeah, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:14

So let your values, whatever your values are, let those make the decision after the anger subsides.

SPEAKER_00 4:21

And this is the thing, we've said it so many times and we'll continue to say it. Feel the emotions. Like it's okay to get in anger, it's okay to have guilt, to have fear, to have happiness, to have all of those things. You want the rainbow of emotions, but you also need to be looking at not just the values, but what's gonna serve me best in this moment? You know, like does anger really serve you? Does staying in that state of guilt or remorse or whatever serve you? It does not. Like you said in the beginning, the body keeps the score, it's holding on to those emotions. So feel it, let it ride, but then okay, like I've had an adequate amount of time to process this. I don't like feeling this guilt or this rage or whatever it might be. So, how can I start to shift it? And Denise always uses the one percent. How can you shift it one percent? Maybe you go from anger to frustration, maybe you go from rage to just pissed off. Like, I don't know.

Processing Without Rehearsing The Story

SPEAKER_00 5:28

Yeah, I don't know what that one percent is.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

And I love what you're saying about processing it because I want to piggyback on that and say, you know, it's processing is not the same as rehearsing and dwelling, right? So there's a huge difference between saying, you know, I cried, let's say, because I was hurt, or I replayed the same story and just found evidence because guess what? Your mind will find the evidence, right? And that's replaying, replaying. So the story, the rehearsing, it keeps feeding that emotion. And then if you if you keep repeating the story, you could get gonna keep feeding the anger, and but instead just processing it, letting it go through, and just move on, like stop rehearsing it, stop rehearsing it in your mind, whatever you need to do to process it, though. Some people shake, some people what helps me is going out for the walk. That would really helps me. I mean, some people like to scream and things like that, but to me, screaming like it helps, but walking really helps me a lot. Instead of just instead, it's whenever I notice myself rehearsing and finding the evidence, da-da-da, da-da-da. Because you will find it. Always just step away and process it healthily.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

Yeah, and I think that's the important piece here, right? Is we've talked about the body doesn't know the difference between real and imagined. It's the same thing, the nervous system doesn't know the difference between a remembered emotion and an active one. So if you're continuing to replay this scenario and get into those emotions, right? It is very difficult to replay a scenario and not get back into those emotions. Like right now, if I say think of the last thing that made you beyond angry, you're gonna refeel that emotion. That is not serving you because every time you're replaying it or ruminating on it, you can be physically safe, but all of a sudden your body gets in that chronic stress response because that past emotion is just coming back in. And this is the thing that people don't understand is every time you're replaying that, you're getting back into the old emotions.

SPEAKER_01 7:44

Absolutely. And then your nervous system doesn't need the fixing, it needs the safety. So you got to find, you gotta bring it back to safety. You gotta remind yourself that hey, I am really because again, it's it's it doesn't know the difference between real and imagine, right? So remind yourself you are safe in this moment, you're not running for your life. I'm safe in this moment, and again, utilize your tools, right? We're not letting you just do, we're not telling you just to keep it, and that's the thing about how we talked about last time about the the new version of you. Don't leave her in the journal, don't leave her in the visualization, bring her out, don't leave the tools on your saved Instagram feed or on in your journal or in the notes somewhere. Utilize your tools, and even if you pick one tool, whether it is the deep breaths or whether it is the walk, but utilize that to bring you back to safety.

SPEAKER_00 8:43

Yeah. And there was something I was gonna say, and now it slipped my mind. So I'm gonna go back to the bypassing piece too, because I think that's important. We're saying to feel these things, right? Yeah. We're what we're really saying is don't relive them. But I think there is a problem in the wellness space with the bypassing. People see all this stuff on TikTok and Instagram of meditate, journal, deep breathing, do this, and they assume, oh, okay, I can just do that and get out of the emotion. No, because the emotion's still in there, and then you're really gonna ruminate. Let it out, but use those as a tool to help you let it out. Don't completely bypass and turn into that man, like I'm telling you know, referenced earlier, where it's like, oh, men don't cry, men don't show emotions. No, no, no, don't be that person.

SPEAKER_01 9:36

And just think about something too, like Kira, have you ever been angry for like uh five weeks? No, you know, or happy or joyful, like the whatever the emotion is, frustrated, even positive emotions, excited, etc., happy, the emotions pass, they eventually pass. So instead of ruminating, just let them pass. But then what remains is is your identity. And that's why, you know, definitely listen to the identity episode because the emotions are gonna pass, they're not forever. However, your identity remains. So instead of asking, how do I stop feeling this, ask who do I want to

Let Values And Identity Lead

SPEAKER_01 10:17

be while I'm feeling this, right? So you can feel the hurt, but remain in your identity instead of like expressing it and slamming people and justifying why you're hurt and you know, continuing the cycle of offending whatever it is you're trying to do with those emotions. Just sit with them and ask different questions. And I really love, I don't know who if Tony Robbins or somebody else, somebody said the quality of life depends on the quality of the questions that you ask. So by switching the questions, I think you can also get way more answers and way more value out of your life.

SPEAKER_00 10:57

Yeah, I heard that one from James Wedmore, but maybe he heard it from someone too. So who knows?

SPEAKER_01 11:01

Yeah, because I heard it from so many people, but you know, everybody says the same thing in a different way. Yeah, everybody says the same thing in a different way, and that's why it resonates with this person or that person. You know, some people resonate with us, some people don't, but I know that sometimes we're saying the same thing in a different perspective.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

Absolutely. Well, it's funny. I wanna I wanna throw in a quick story here. So I remember working with someone a few years ago, and she was talking about how frustrated her family was making her and how they would argue and she would get so angry. And you know, this was back when I was kind of starting this journey of like understanding emotions and identity and all of that, and working with my own mentor. Um, and I said something like, Well, why don't you just walk away from the situation? Like, why are you engaging if it's making you this angry? She goes, Well, because I want to prove my points. Well, this is a perfect example of is that the identity? Like, you you want to be the person that just makes a point, or do you want to be the person that is happy and healthy? Because I'm always gonna choose happy and healthy.

SPEAKER_01 12:08

Absolutely. And I mean it goes back to what Wayne Dyer says. I'd rather be at peace, I'd rather be happy than right, you know what I mean? And then again, because and I love what you said, like, okay, so she's saying try to prove a point, and that was my old identity, but then there's the thing. They're never gonna get your point. No, they're never gonna get your point, and you're calling gonna try to prove your point, so you're gonna get yourself sick trying to prove a point where, and again, I may prove my point to you, but the person next to you is gonna be like, Well, I don't get that point, right?

SPEAKER_00 12:43

So we're again going in circles, so and at the end of the day, does it really matter?

SPEAKER_01 12:47

It doesn't, exactly, it doesn't, right? Because it is really important that you you operate and you go with your values and your identity, and then it doesn't matter what other people think of you and what other people how they see you, right? Like it's just really it's because it there's no freaking way in the world you're gonna satisfy every single person on the spot. There's no way that's a losing game, and that is what may be also causing a lot of your illness or a lot of your stress or a lot of um toxicity in your life. So yeah, no, I'm I'm with you on that of like the people pleasing and the yeah, that might be another conversation, but but yeah, like let's go back to like you know, the emotional having the emotional regulation, and what I've really learned throughout my journey is that it's not emotional suppression, we're not suppressing it, it's allowing your feelings to move through you instead of letting them decide who you become. Because sometimes some people say, Well, I'm an angry person, you're choosing to be angry, right? Or I am always frustrated with so many things, or I am negative, or whatever it is. So that is something that you you know, you their emotions letting them go through you instead of letting them decide who you become, then letting decide who your identity is, and that's I think really important, especially when you feel any emotion, negative or positive. It's it's not nothing is um always is ever changing, just like nature, right? So the same thing

When Positive Feelings Turn Threatening

SPEAKER_01 14:38

with with your emotions.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

You said something that made me think of something else, and that's just how it works with us. Um but I want to point out that positive emotions can actually be negative emotions. And what I mean by this is a lot of times we focus on, okay, I gotta get rid of the negative emotions, I gotta get it out of my body, don't stay in anger, don't stay in fear, whatever it might be. However, we have people listening, I guarantee it, that don't spend enough time in the positive, right? They have that moment of joy, and then all of a sudden they go back to, oh my gosh, something's bad's gonna happen, or oh, this joint pain or this autoimmune diagnosis, or all of a sudden they get excited about something, but then they're like, oh my gosh, but I don't want to jinx it so I can't get too excited. And that was me, like I'm raising my hand here, um, or success, and then you're like, oh, what's coming next? If you cannot stay in a positive emotion long enough to feel safe in your body, it goes back to safety. Now you're bypassing, and that positive emotion is becoming negative. You need to be able to feel it long enough, right? Yeah. And I think that is that I love that. It's just people don't think about that. But I'm like, you are so focused on the negative emotions, and I see this in a lot of my clients. So yes, I'm calling you guys out if you're listening, but it's like, oh, but I'm feeling this physical issue. I'm feeling this pain. I'm not, I don't want to downplay that. Yes, you're feeling that. However, look at the day you just had yesterday, or you're telling me about this travel or this moment with your child. Embrace that and feel that positive emotion long enough for it to actually do something in your body rather than just saying, you know what, my identity is a sick person, so boom, I'm right back to that negative emotion again.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

Yeah. Oh my goodness, that's so awesome, Kira. She's dropping some amazing value right here.

SPEAKER_00 16:40

I just think emotions are such a big, a big topic.

SPEAKER_01 16:45

I mean, because if you think about it, a lot of people act, a lot of people act out of their emotions. A hundred percent. Look around.

SPEAKER_00 16:53

You know, they let them, they let them drive. Look at road rage, like prime example of a let them drive, road rage. It's just because of emotions. It goes back to one of the episodes we did on interpretations. Make a different interpretation of one that serves you. Who the heck cares what the reality of it is? Stop getting in those negative emotions, it's not serving you, and the car in front of you that you're honking at and flipping off doesn't care. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:21

And a lot of the times I feel that you know, when we are having these strong negative emotions, it is that um that inner child that's screaming out. So you don't let a child drive a car, you put them in the car seat, right? Or you put them in the back seat. So in a car seat or in a toddler, whatever. Uh, so it is important to understand that, and again, don't don't bypass it. I get it, just call it. Like I see it, you know, name it, you know. I feel the frustration. Um, what are you trying to tell me, etc.? And I think sometimes like people say, Well, I'm already angry, like, how am I gonna process this? Well, how are you gonna change your life?

SPEAKER_00 18:01

So you just said something that I think is spot on. And I think this

Find The Emotion In Your Body

SPEAKER_00 18:06

is gonna help some people figure things out in their body. Feel the emotion physically in your body. When, like right now, as you're listening, what's the emotion and what do you feel in your body? What's the sensation? Right? If you're feeling like contracted and tight, okay, well, that gives you a clue. You want to be in a relaxed state. So start to actually listen to your body. It's all connected. So don't just let this emotion go through you and not really think about it, but like truly feel your emotions. Where is this in my body and what am I gonna do with it? And now, how do I let it go? Like, if you're after that safety and you don't know how to get there, this is a prime way to do it. Start feeling the emotions in your body.

SPEAKER_01 18:54

That's why we call these best stick conversations because when you were talking, when you were talking, I remembered something, someone I read it somewhere, I don't know who said it, but if you allow the emotions to pass, it they take about like 60 seconds or 30 seconds to pass. However, if you keep rehearsing them and finding more evidence, then evidence they can last for the for days, right? So, and I really tried that yesterday because you know, I was in my emotions and I just put everything on the side and then I just sat on the floor because the floor is grounding, so that's my thing. Sat on the floor, took deep breaths, and I allowed it to pass, and then it just it passed.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

And then I bet your body felt like more open rather than constricted.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Yes, and today I feel I am a little bit, I feel different, right? So I and that's the thing. Instead of ruminating and rehearsing because it will last for days, wouldn't you rather it just last for 60 seconds? Yep, especially with the one that lasts. Yeah, I would I would rather it last for six seconds. Okay, so you're angry, I'm angry, I feel anger, I feel frustration, I feel negativity, I feel sadness, hurt, grief, whatever it is. Sit with it, don't analyze it. Why am I feeling angry? Oh my goodness, why am I grieving? Why am I this? Why am I that? Don't analyze it because at this moment your mind is just not gonna, is not capable of doing that. Your nervous system needs to come back to safety. Just let sit with it, just give it 60 seconds, give it that minute without analyzing, and then use and be in the present moment. Just practice that mindfulness for literally 60 seconds, and that's your 1% shift.

SPEAKER_00 20:34

It is because now you're processing versus spiraling, which is what many do, right? Oh, well, now I'm replaying this, but then it makes me feel this, and now here's another emotion that comes in, and now I'm really pissed off.

SPEAKER_01 20:45

And now you're in a soup of emotions. It's like, what the heck? I I already, you know, and that's that that's sometimes when we say you create the issue.

SPEAKER_00 20:53

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

And don't stand in your own way, yeah. Get out of the freaking way. Step, step, step away, step, step away from the whatever you're doing or whatever it is. And I get it. If you're in the car, then take advantage of that. 60 seconds, name it. I feel frustration, I feel anger. You know, someone cut you off. Let's say, you know what? I feel the anger, I feel the frustration, feel it, talk it out, and then move on.

SPEAKER_00 21:21

It is what it is, move on. Let it go, let it go and feel it go and don't ruminate, right? This goes back to the story I told a while back about the bird that was chased by something. I don't even remember how I told the story, but like we are the only animals that sit and ruminate and stuff. So let it go. Move on. The past is is now the it doesn't even exist anymore. Um the other thing I was gonna say too is just ask yourself a question. Like, if you're really struggling with emotions and processing them, like if this is a big thing for you, ask yourself Am I in my body or am I in my story? It's gonna give you some clues too because goodness knows we love to tell ourselves some really good stories.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

We sure do, we sure do, and then the stories make sense sometimes, they do, and that's how we justify.

SPEAKER_00 22:13

Yeah, because you find the evidence, yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

I mean, yeah, it's like see they did this, they did that.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm not a truth bomb. Where are you at?

SPEAKER_01 22:26

No, same. I think I'm you know, the most important thing that I want to say is that I want to reiterate that um um the uh allow your feelings to move through you instead of letting them decide who you become. So whatever the emotion, and and sometimes people can visualize it. Like I've done that before, where let's say you feel anger or frustration, whatever it is, just visualize it, go to the drive to the passenger or to the back seat, and then just remember who you are, right? We always say remember who you are because you are more than this emotion, you are more than this, you know, and bring back yourself

Don’t Fake Positive Through Grief

SPEAKER_01 23:05

to safety. And I get sometimes, yes, it's easier said than done. However, with practice, and remember, we always talk about this with one percent every day will lead to a different life in a year or in six months or in even four months. So don't go all noble and want to change everything, just change, just practice little by little, and that's why I think we are you and I are shifting from the grand things and coming back to the small little baby steps. Yeah, how about you?

SPEAKER_00 23:43

I mean my thing is just think about it all ties together, but your identity. Who do you want to be? Who do you want to show up in this world as? What do you want to do with your limited time here in a human body, right? And in five minutes, how do you want to feel? That's gonna help you start to shift that emotion too, of like, okay, I'm beyond frustrated right now or annoyed or whatever. In five minutes, I don't want to feel that. So then start to process and move through and find a little better emotion.

SPEAKER_01 24:20

I know we're kind of I I love that. I know we're kind of ending this a little bit, but I do want to say, like, don't fake positive. Like, if you are going through sadness and you're feeling it and you're doing everything, don't just fake positive, like, oh my god, I'm fine, I'm fine, everything's fine. No, that's a bypassing. Yeah, I feel the sadness, I am at peace with it.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

Right. And then it will go through. And there's a difference too. Don't fake positive. Like, don't fake positive. Because I get it. Like sometimes sadness may last more because there is a legit thing going on. I get that.

SPEAKER_00 24:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:53

But don't fake positive.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

Yeah. And that's the thing, like traumatic events, death, like that can happen, right? I'm not saying, hey, in five minutes, put on a happy face. That I'm more so talking about our day-to-day emotions that we get into. Now, when you have something big happen, I mean, guys, when my dog passed, this was like two years ago, I was distraught for well over a week. And I had been doing this work, but I told myself, it is okay for me to feel this. I need to feel this. I will get through it at some point. And I did. At some point, I was listening to something, and someone said, if you have already put yourself through grief, it's done. Why do you want to keep reliving it? And I was like, ooh, okay. And it was worded much better than how I'm saying it, but that was a moment I decided, okay, it's time for me to move on now. But I mean, process what you need to process. Absolutely. Digest it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:56

Because it does cause digestion issues if you're not adjusting it.

SPEAKER_00 25:59

100%.

SPEAKER_01 26:02

Legit. Alrighty. What is our

Feel It To Heal It Breathwork

SPEAKER_01 26:05

mantra?

SPEAKER_00 26:06

I've got one today, too. Let's go. It's simple. Feel it to heal it. Ooh. As we were talking, I was like, oh, how about that?

SPEAKER_01 26:16

Feel it to heal it. Kind of like because I heard I heard someone say your issues are in your tissues. Yeah, 100%. So feel it to heal it. Alrighty. 446. You know the drill. If you're driving, do not close your eyes, but say it and do it. But if you're not driving, close your eyes. Hand on your heart, the other one on your belly. We're gonna inhale for four. One, two, three, four. Pause for four. Three, two, one. Exhale for six, five, four, three, two, one. Feel it to heal it. Again. One, two, two, three, four, hold. Two three. Four. Exhale. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Feel it to heal it. Okay.