Staying Calm When She's Dysregulated: Supporting Girls' Mental Health and Behaviour

In this episode, we dive deep into girls mental health and how it affects teen behaviour, especially when daughters become emotionally dysregulated. We focus on parenting support strategies that empower mums to maintain calm and regulation even when their teen girls are feeling overwhelmed. 

Understanding the emotional spread of dysregulation through connection is critical, and we explain why common self-care methods might fall short.

You'll discover practical, play-based behavioural tools that are quick and accessible, designed specifically for parenting teen girls. Integrating small moments of joy throughout your day can transform your mother daughter relationship by fostering patience and emotional insight rather than frustration.

Whether you're feeling exhausted or overwhelmed, this episode provides actionable advice to improve behavioural messages within your family dynamic, strengthening the bond and creating a supportive environment for both you and your daughter. 

Tune in to learn how to nurture resilience and connection through informed and compassionate parenting.

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If today's episode landed for you, if you heard something that made you think yes, that's my daughter, that's exactly what's going on, then I want you to know there's a place where we go deeper on all of this together. It's called WTF - What's The Feeling - and it's my membership for mums who are ready to stop firefighting and start actually understanding what's going on. You'll find the link here. Come and have a look. I think you'll feel right at home.

Wish your daughter had her own podcast to help understand what’s going on? Send her to Girl You’ve Got This - available on all major platforms.

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See you next time! 💛

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

You can't regulate her if you've dysregulated yourself. And right now you're running on empty. Trying to stay calm when your nervous system is screaming out loud, waiting until the end of the day to take care of yourself, when you're already on fumes. Today I'm telling you why that doesn't work and what actually does in its place. So welcome back to The Teen Whisperer, the podcast for mums supporting girls who are overwhelmed, shut down, or struggling to function. I'm Rach Friedley, and here's the reframe that matters today. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You can't stay steady for her if you're falling apart yourself. And self-care at the end of the day, when you're already exhausted, just doesn't cut it. You need to fill your cup first. And yes, I'm a mum too, so 100% I get where you're coming from. The isolation of holding it together for everyone. The feeling like you're failing because you're struggling too. The overwhelm of doing this alone when your own nervous system is freaking out. Today I'm showing you why your regulation matters and how to actually do it in the moment when all the shiz has hit the fan. So let's dive in. Here's what I see with mums every single day. They're holding space for their daughters, they're being calm, steady, present, even whilst their own nervous systems are screaming at them to stop. And at the end of the day, when their daughter's finally asleep, or not, as the case might be, they collapse, they scroll, they numb out, they try to relax in inverticomas. But here's the problem: by the end of the day, you're already running on empty. Your nervous system is completely and utterly fried. And scrolling, wine, Netflix, none of that actually regulates you. It just numbs you from feeling. What you actually need is regulation, and you need it at the beginning of your day, not the end. So let me explain what's actually happening for your daughter or for you. When your daughter is dysregulated, your nervous system picks it up. Not because you're weak, but because you're wired to attune to her. This is called emotional connection. Her I'm not safe signal triggers your my child isn't safe, which means I'm not safe response. So when she's screaming, shutting down, not eating, not leaving her room, your body hears threat through and through, and your nervous system responds in exactly the same way. Your heart rate increases, your chest tightens, your breath gets shallow, and your thoughts spiral out of control. You're not imagining it. Your body is doing exactly what it's designed to do, but nobody talks about it. It's attuning to her distress, and it's totally natural. But here's the problem: if you stay dysregulated, you can't help her regulate. Because dysregulation is contagious, and so is regulation. So your dysregulation, what does it look like? Physically, you get a tight chest, shallow breathing, clenched jaw, tension and shoulders, or you hold them around your ears like their earrings. That constant exhaustion that sleep does not fix. Mentally, you're replaying conversations over and over and over. You're ruminating on them, you're catastrophizing. What if she never gets better? What if she never gets out of her room? What if, what if, what if? You become hyper-focus on her, you check her, you monitor her, you watch her every minute of every day. And you can't focus on anything else, not surprisingly. And then on top of that, your emotions, you're irritable, you're snappy, you're numb, you're that deep weighted guilt. I should be handling this better. Everyone else is managing. Why can't I do it? That intense loneliness. No one understands what I'm going through. And then on top of that, if that's not bad enough, so that's read three, behaviorally, scrolling for hours, you cannot sit still, you're over-planning, you're over-researching, and you're avoiding. You can't make decisions and can't deal with anything else. Not surprisingly, I hasten to add. Does any of this sound familiar? I've worked with mums who have said to me, I'm trying to stay calm for my daughter. I'm doing all the right things, but inside I'm falling apart. And she said, by the time I get out of bed, I'm done. I collapse on the sofa and scroll for two hours. And when I asked, When do you take care of yourself? She told us, just looked at me and went, Take care of myself. What have I got time for that? Every minute of my day is taken up with her. I don't have the time for that. My response, you're already running on empty. That's not self-care, that is survival. So here's the thing why self-care at the end of the day does not work. Waiting until the end of the day to take care of yourself doesn't work. Because by then you're dysregulated, her nervous system has been in threat mode all day. And scrolling, wine, Netflix, they do not regulate you, they numb you. There's a difference there. Numbing looks like scrolling, binge watching, wine, zoning out. It shuts down the feeling. But it doesn't resolve the dysregulation. Regulation looks like movement, breath, connection, and play because it moves the stress through and out of your body, as does journaling, writing it down with a pencil on a piece of paper. It literally processes it out of your brain. So here's what I want you to hear. You need to fill your cup first, not last, first. And I know what you're thinking, you don't know the time. And I get it. Mornings are chaotic, getting her out of bed, getting her to school, home education, an activity, anything really, getting yourself to work. But here's the truth. If you don't take five to ten minutes at the start of your day to regulate yourself, you'll spend the whole day dysregulated. And then you'll collapse at the end and scroll yet again. And wake up tomorrow feeling exactly the same. Shiz. But what if instead of waiting until you're running on fumes, you gave yourself five to ten minutes first thing. Before you check your phone, before you get her up, before the day starts. Just you, your body, your breath, and your nervous system. The quickest way to regulate yourself is now I don't think it's gonna be what you think it is. Play. It is one of the fastest ways to take yourself out of and back into ah. And before you say, aren't I too old to play? Well, what the hell are you talking about now, Rach? Bear with me and let me explain. Play is the simplest and most underrated, underused nervous system regulation tool we have is also the most misunderstood. And no, I'm not talking about those expensive activities. I'm talking about the simple ones. The ones that don't take up loads of time. The ones you can fit into each and every day and feel way better afterwards. So things like bouncing on a space hopper or a yoga ball. I hasten to add, I'm on mine right now. Jumping on the spot, prancing around the house, listening to your favourite music up loud, doing a fascial jig, so that literally is shaking your entire body from your head to your feet. Just shake. Let that process out of your body. A short tobata routine of so it's a short four-minute tabata routine, which is 20 seconds of exercise, 10 seconds of rest. Repeat for four minutes. And yep, that's it. It just brings your heart rate up, it brings all that warmth into your body and gets you invigorated for what's next. Making funny faces at yourself in the mirror and laughing out loud at yourself, at something on the TV, at something on the radio, whatever it is, it doesn't matter. This is what I mean. Easy and accessible. A surefire winner, I say. Play is the quickest tool we have at the end of our fingertips. We do not need any other tools, do not need any equipment, just your body and your time. So why does play work so easily? Do you know what I'm so glad you asked? Play isn't just a nice to have, it also has far-reaching effects for both you and your daughter. Your dopamine levels naturally rise through having fun, laughter, and silliness, and your daughter absorbs these feelings of joy without you ever say anything. And seriously, that's a bonus, eh? Your regulated body and brain will then regulate her body and brain without you saying a thing. So the more fun you have, the more your combined dopamine levels will rise and not due to social media, not due to screen time, and not due to tech, due to natural consequences. So if you continue to build play into your day, the more that feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction rises. Easy, eh? It's not rocket science, it's simple. It doesn't fix anything, it just allows you to be more you, to have that joy in your life, to have that enlightenment, don't think that's a word, to have that. Oh my god, this is amazing. To have that excitement, that curiosity, and it allows you to start the day on the right foot. Play reminds you you're still there, and you're allowed to have fun and take up space. No rules, no regulation, no structure, just enjoy it in the moment. So this week's practice, I want you to practice one thing from that list above. All yours if you have other play resets that you prefer. Five to ten minutes, that's it of your day. Ideally at the start of the day, all woven into it. So for me, I do a dog walk part way through the day as a break from tech and all that thinking about what I'm going to plan next. And then journal how you feel at the end of the day, including the words, what are you proud of today? Because that allows your brain to focus on what went well. You write it down at the end of the day, and that stops your brain from ruminating through the night. It stops that overthinking brain because you've left it on a high. So here's the thing: play, read self-care here, doesn't start when the sheer stops. It starts when you can add it into your day. And on that note, if you feel like play is yet another thing to do on your list, add it to something else you're already doing. Making a cup of tea, doing a few star jumps in the kitchen, slow cooking porridge, which is what I do. Listen to a hypnosis, do some exercises on the floor, do some stretching, do some facial jigs, do a lymphatic drainage, waiting for the kettle to boil. That's the same as making a cup of tea. Obviously, can't read. Alright. We never grow out of play despite what people tell us. We're told time and time again that play is just for little kids. It's not. It's for our teens and it's for us as adults. So let's get messy, let's get silly and have a laugh, making a fool of yourself. Next week we're talking about freeze again. The boundary that changes everything. Connection before correction. Connection before conversation, safety before solutions. So if this episode landed for you, please hit subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next and leave me a review because this is what works with Yeldi algorithms and gets me moving up that chart. If this is working for you, come on, let's leave me a review. And if you know a mum going through that, that sounded like an elephant. Anyway, send it to her. And if you're thinking, I need a tool that I can use right now, check out my new freebie, the after school reset. For strangely enough, that time after school, when more often than not life gets. Simplicity. Same as simple. Anyway, it's free, it works, and it's waiting for you in the show notes. The link is below. So yeah, take care and remember you're doing way better than you think. See you next week. Bye.