Emotional Regulation Starts with Sleep | The Biology Behind Bedtime

Nervous system regulation is the missing link to teen sleep. 

It's midnight and her light's still on, but what if the real problem isn't her sleep, it's what happens inside *you* when she won't sleep? 

Discover why teen girls' biology makes bedtime a battleground, how your dysregulation fuels hers, and the one co-regulation tool that shifts everything when standard parenting strategies fail.

Because behaviour is never just about one thing. 

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Because you shouldn’t have to figure this all out on your own.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Can I ask you something? When you hear your daughter is still awake at midnight, what's the first thing that pops into your head? Is it why won't she just go to sleep? She's gonna be impossible to wake tomorrow. She's addicted to that phone. She doesn't listen to a word I say. Or maybe I've completely lost control. Nothing I do makes any difference anymore. And the worst one? The one you fear, the one you feel deep within you, I'm failing her. I know or your brain goes. Mine would do too. And in fact, it used to. Every single time. So yeah, I get it. But today I want to show you something that completely changed how I think about teenagers sleep. Because behaviour is never just about one thing, as I say again and again and again. And neither is sleep. So hiya, and welcome to this podcast, The Teen Whisperer. I'm Rach Friedley, the original Teen Whisperer. This is the podcast where we connect all the dots because, as I said before, behaviour is never just about one thing, as we keep being told. Every week we're gonna slow things down together. I'll say it again. Every week we're gonna slow things down together. We're gonna look at what you're seeing in the behaviour in front of you, what you're thinking about it, what you're making your thoughts mean, how that's then making you feel, and what you're doing because of those feelings. Then we're gonna zoom out, we're gonna look, we're gonna ask a different question. What's happening for her? Because when we stop asking what's wrong with her and start asking what's happening for her, everything begins to make a little more sense. My hope is that every time you listen, you'll leave feeling a little more seen, a little more understood, and a lot less alone. So let's connect the dots. So what are you seeing? The behaviour in front of you. It's midnight. You can see the light underneath the bedroom door. You know she's still awake because you can hear her moving around. Or maybe she's scrolling, maybe she's messaging friends, or maybe she's lying there staring at the ceiling, unable to switch off. You know tomorrow is a school, college, work, university, whatever it is, day. You already know what the morning's gonna look like. Dragging her out of bed, asking her six times to get herself ready, her snapping before she's even opened her eyes, and the whole day starts with both of you feeling absolute rubbish. And then on top of that, you've got what you're thinking this behaviour inadverted commas means. Your brain immediately starts to fix the problem, it starts to solve what it sees in front of you. So it starts telling you she's lazy, she's addicted to her phone, she doesn't care, she's choosing this, she knows she's going to be exhausted tomorrow. So why is she doing this? Then those thoughts get louder. Maybe I should have taken the phone away years ago. Maybe I've been too soft, maybe I'm too strict, maybe everyone else's children and teens just sleep. Maybe I'm the problem. And here's the bit nobody ever talks about. Mommy, of course. While she's still awake, so are you. You're not asleep either. Not because you're on your phone, because your brain is. It's replaying every single bedtime, every argument, every piece of parenting advice that landed flat, every article or research you've Googled at two o'clock in the morning, you are exhausted too. Not just because you're not sleeping, but because your brain won't stop to try fixing it. And then, of course, on top of that, we've got what you're making it mean. So those thoughts, what you're making it mean. So your brain is joining random dots together and going, she doesn't listen to me anymore. I've lost my influence. I'm getting this completely wrong. I'm a failure as her mum. If I can't even get her to sleep, how the hell am I supposed to help her manage with the big things? Can you see what's just happened? We've gone from your daughter, a teenager who's still awake, to questioning yourself as a mum. That's a massive leap. There's no dots in the middle of it, that's literally your brain trying to fix it. So it blames you. And our brains make it in seconds, if not milliseconds. So no wonder you are exhausted. No wonder you dread every single bedtime. No wonder mornings feel so hard. Because you're no longer responding to your daughter's sleep. You're responding to what you've made it mean. And that's a really heavy thing to carry. So what do you do? I'm so glad you asked. Do you know what? You then remind her in the morning. You threaten to take the phone. Maybe you actually do. Maybe you switch the Wi-Fi off. Anyone else here who's done that? Yep, my hand's way in the air on that one. Maybe you tried every single bedtime routine under the sun. Or maybe you've given up trying altogether. Because nothing seems to make any difference at all. And that is heartbreaking. Heartbreaking to see, heartbreaking to feel, and heartbreaking as a mum. Because underneath all of these actions is simply a mum, you trying to help your daughter. So here's the part of the podcast where things change because we've talked about what you're seeing, we've talked about what you're thinking that behaviour means, we've talked about what you're making it mean, and what we've talked about what you're doing as a result of that meaning. Let's zoom out. But what if she isn't choosing this? What if her body is now before you go, what the frigity frigate are you talking about, Rach? Bear with me. Because as I've said before, behaviour is never just about one thing, and neither is sleep, or anything else for that matter. Here's something hardly anyone tells parents. Bombie, of course, because this is where I shift things. During the teenage years, your teenagers, teenage daughters, body clock naturally shifts later. Not because she's been bloody-minded, as people keep telling me, but because it's biology. The hormone that makes her sleepy, melatonin, does not arrive when yours does. So while you're generally ready for bed around 10 till 11 o'clock at night, her body may not even be ready at 12, midnight, or 1 o'clock in the morning. Imagine somebody said to you, from tonight onwards, your body won't feel sleepy until 1 o'clock in the morning, but you still had to get up at 6 every day. How would you feel? You'd feel exhausted. You'd be a little grumpy. Okay, I lied, a lot grumpy because it'd have five hours sleep. You may be even snappy before your first cup of tea. This is what your daughter is living with every single day. That melatonin, the sleep hormone, the one that triggers the brain to going, okay, it's time for sleep. I need to rest. Doesn't get produced into your daughter or released until midnight, one o'clock, two o'clock in the morning. And that's not a flaw, that's not a problem we can fix. It is just natural biology. And it's happening every single weekday. And then on top of that, if that's not bad enough, think about all the other things on top of your daughter: school, college, work, university, whatever it is, homework, time out at home, friendships, social media, pressure, hormones, as I've just talked about, trying to fit in her 28-day cycle, trying not to get it wrong. Can you see why her body struggles to switch off? Sleep isn't just about bedtime. It's about everything that happened before it. And yes, we all know phones do not help. Blue light delays melatonin even further. But here's the important bit. Too often we blame the phone when actually it's her body's biology changed way before she ever downloaded TikTok. The phone, yep, adds to the problem, but it isn't the whole story. So instead of fighting bedtime tonight, try something tomorrow morning. And yep, you heard that correctly, tomorrow morning. Open the curtains as soon as she is awake. Step outside together, even if it's only for five minutes sitting outside on a bench in the pouring rain, in the sun, in the snow, whatever the weather is, just sit out there getting that daylight on your face. Perhaps walk the dog or go to the local shop. Maybe if you really want to, take the bins out. Or stand in the garden for two minutes. Morning light is one of the strongest ways to gently reset her body clock. It's not about forcibly doing something that then makes her angry, that then makes her fed up of you, frustrated, and then slamming doors in your face, because that doesn't lead to sleep. Morning light does, and preferably before 12 o'clock. And notice we're not forcing sleep, don't believe in it. We're helping her own body find its own rhythm. And while you're outside with her, whilst you're having that sun on your face, don't lecture her, don't ask 20 million questions because you're likely to get your head bitten off. Just be together. Sometimes that's enough. And if tomorrow morning still feels hard, that's okay. This isn't a one-hit wonder, try it once and it's gonna work. You're gonna have to keep doing it. Drip feed, drip feed, drip feed. This isn't about getting it perfect, don't believe in that anyway. It's about becoming curious. Every time you stop asking, why won't she just go to sleep and start asking what's happening for her, everything begins to change. Not overnight, not magically, but gradually. One morning, one conversation, one tiny moment of understanding at a time. Because just maybe she is not lazy, she's not ignoring you, she's simply growing inside a body that's changing way faster than at any other time of her life, and one that neither of you were ever prepared for. So, yes, it's a supportive community where mums make sense of what's what's really going on with your daughter together. So, yeah, come and find me, check out the links in the show notes. Okie dokie, take care, have a wonderful week. Daday