Honoring the Losses & Heaviness after Sexual Trauma

Grief can rise when numbness finally softens, and that doesn’t mean we’re failing or sliding backward. We name the double grief of healing after sexual trauma and practice a slower, body-based way to carry the ache without turning recovery into a performance. 
• grief as a sign of waking up, not regressing 
• double grief after sexual trauma: what was taken and who we must become 
• the “ever-present ache” as an echo of loss, not proof of brokenness 
• why healing is not a checklist for high achievers and people pleasers 
• five steps to stay with numbness: name, feel, compassion, breathe, permission 

Work With Me Individually (Texas Residents)

I offer trauma-informed therapy for high-achieving women navigating:

• Complex trauma
• Late-diagnosed ADHD or autism
• Nervous system dysregulation
• Relational pattern healing

If you’d prefer one-on-one support, book a free 15-minute consultation here:
http://linktr.ee/EmpoweringWellnessHub

Good Music for Healing

🎵 **Divine Woman Playlist (Apple Music):** https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/divine-woman/pl.u-leyl096uMoD885j

Episodes Mentioned in this Episode

Epi 55 Your Freeze Response was Survival not Consent

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2467345/episodes/19054178-your-freeze-response-was-survival-not-consent 

Bonus Epi: Holding Space for the Numbness after Sexual Trauma

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2467345/episodes/19058743-bonus-epi-holding-space-for-the-numbness-after-sexual-trauma

You’re not alone. We’re healing together.

Transcript

Welcome And Who This Is For

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Awakened Heart, a podcast for healing women. And when I say healing, I mean women who are healing from trauma, chronic stress, or who are simply trying to function in a world not meant for our brain. Speaking of neurodivergence, ADHD, autism, bipolar, BPD, OCD, dyslexia. There's a huge umbrella of what neurodivergence is. And that's what I mean. I'm Autumn. I'm a licensed professional counselor. I help high-functioning women who look successful on the outside but feel dysregulated, exhausted, traumatized, or even disconnected on the inside. The focus of this podcast is to move beyond surface level coping. I like to integrate trauma therapy, nervous system regulation, and somatic body-based healing to help you move from survival mode into true stability and power. If you're ready for pattern-changing body-based work where your voice matters and your healing is never rushed, you are in the right place. I'm so glad you're here today. Last week we talked about the numb season. We talked about how your body went quiet to protect you, how the numbness wasn't a failure, but a survival strategy. And if you've listened to that episode, something might have shifted for you. Maybe you felt a little less alone, maybe a little safer. But for many, the numbness, as the numbness begins to soften, something else is rising. You're interested, something else rises. It's not anger, it's not joy, it's just that fucking gay that won't go away. The numbness, the emptiness, it has it has a name, and that that's that's grief. If you didn't listen to last week's episodes about the numb season, I they will be in the show notes for you to listen to. I have Wednesdays and Fridays, I'll link in there. So grief is not a sign that you are regressing. This is not a sign that you are failing at healing. It is a sign that you are waking up. Today we are going to talk about double grief, the double grief of healing after sexual trauma. The grief of what was taken from you and the grief of who you have to become to heal. Right now I'm standing on my podium. I've got some big old boots on, and I'm stomping my feet and banging my fist on the podium, getting your attention. Because what I say right now is important. This is especially for my high achievers, my people pleasers, the ones who are used to doing the healing. You do not need to move through this quickly. You do not get to the next stage. You don't need to get to the next stage. You don't need to prove your healing by accessing rage or power or transformation. Staying here in this numb, feeling it is where it's at, is what is enough. Being here in this numbness in the grief is enough. So let emotions come if they come, let them not if they don't. Rest if you need to, if you feel like shutting down. And if you don't feel like feeling a single thing, that's okay too. But I want to talk about that ever-present ache. The one that's somewhere in the body, somewhere that just sits. That's there when you wake up. That's when you're working, when you're laughing, when you're trying to be productive, the one that's there when you're lying in bed at 3 a.m. It's just there. It doesn't scream, it doesn't demand your attention, it just is. Maybe you've tried to shake it for a long time. Maybe you've tried to fill it with work, achievements, people pleasing, focusing on something else, distracting yourself with other things. Maybe by quote unquote moving on, or uh practicing positive vibes, good vibes only, bro. No. Maybe you've tried to fix it. Maybe you've tried to make it go away. Because gosh, I can remember being in my numb state, my numb phase, and just like thinking, this is it. I'm never getting out of this. This is who I am now. Because if you think, because it makes you think if you can just get rid of this ache, you'll be whole again. But sometimes the truth is that that ache may not go away. Not today, not tomorrow, maybe not ever. And I know that sounds terrifying. I know it sounds like a life sentence, but let's look at a different way to see it. This ache is not a sign that you are broken. It's not a sign that you're failing. It's just the echo of what was lost. It is the sound of the part of you that knew safety, that knew trust, that knew who you were before it all happened, before calling it out. It is the quiet, constant reminder that something happened, something changed you, took a piece of you that you can't get back. And that hurts.

SPEAKER_01 6:08

And there will it always hurt a little bit.

Grieving What Was Taken

SPEAKER_00 6:18

But let's shift this here right now is the healing. Don't try to shake the ache, don't try to feel the hole, and stop trying to make it disappear. Instead, let's learn to carry it. Learn to say, I feel you. You are the ache, you are the missing, and you are now part of me. It's not about fixing the emptiness, it's about making peace with the fact that you are now a person who carries this emptiness, and you are still whole, you are still worthy, and you are still here. You don't have to solve this ache. You don't have to heal it. You just have to let it be there. Let it be the background music of your life, let it be the quiet companion that reminds you, I survived, I lost something, and I'm still here. Not as your best friend, not as a loud voice, not as a deciding factor for anything. But it's okay to have some sort of feeling because something was taken from you that was very sacred, and that just doesn't get wished away. That just doesn't get self-cared away. You are not defined by the ache, you are defined by how you hold it, and how you hold it with love. So this first layer of grief is what was lost. When we talk about sexual trauma, we often talk about the physical act, but the loss goes so much deeper. It's the loss of safety, the loss of trust in others, in your own intuition in the world, maybe in the loss of systems. If you spoke up and were shunned or quieted or told to take it, or that was your slot and lot, whatever, all that shit, right? You lost trust in systems, society, friends, family, trusted elders. Maybe some of the people that are the closest to you, you lost trust. It's the loss of innocence. It's the loss of the version of you that believed the world was a good place, that bad things don't happen to good people. Maybe you lost specific things, right? Like I said, relationships, jobs, a sense of your own body as a safe space, as your home. So just I invite you to think about that for a moment. What did you lose? Was it your ability to sleep without fear? Maybe losing the ability to feel safe in your own skin. Maybe it could have been the belief that you were worried you're not believing you've lost the belief that you're worthy of love.

SPEAKER_01 9:54

It's okay to mourn that.

SPEAKER_00 10:15

So many women are able to seemingly move on, let go, focus on the positive. But you cannot let go, you cannot move on from something you haven't fully felt.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

It has to be fully held.

SPEAKER_00 10:36

Grief is the price of love, and you loved your life, you loved your safety, you loved your trust, and it was taken from you. So the grief is fucking real, it is fucking valid, and it's not something you need to fix. We have moments in our lives where we thought life was gonna be one way, and it turned out to be a different way, and we grieve that that loss of life not going how we thought it would be. And that's okay to grieve. This part's not skippable. We have to walk through the valley of this shadowy loss, and it's dark and it's lonely, but you're not alone in it. I am here, we are here every week going through this. If anything, I can be a resource. This podcast can be a resource. You know, when you think about holding space for the grief of what was lost, you can tap into the inner child, that younger version of you, that version of you in that moment. And speak to that younger version of you with kindness and compassion. Speak to that younger version of you, acknowledge the feelings, acknowledge the pain, acknowledge all that you feel.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

It is all valid.

Inner Child Compassion And Validation

Grieving The New You

SPEAKER_00 12:41

Give her a hug, give yourself a hug. You did not deserve what happened to you, and you are still and have always been worthy of safe, healthy, compatible love. Let's move on to the second layer of grief. Maybe it's the one that's harder to name because it just doesn't seem like a thing, right? The grief of becoming someone new. Who you are on the other side of this, who you are, your healed version. This is the grief of the realization that you can't go back. You can't just heal and be the same person you were before. The old you, the one who trusted easily, the one who didn't have to check her locks three times, the one who didn't have to manage her nervous system every single day. That version of you is gone. And that is a death. It is a death of the old self. And that hurts. It hurts to realize that you have to build a new identity from scratch, that you have to learn to trust again from zero, from bottom. And it hurts to realize that you have to learn how to feel safe in your body from scratch. The magnificent injustice of it all is so infuriating. But for right now, this is a good place to be. It's okay. It's okay to grieve the old you, to miss the simplicity of who you were, and to feel scared. It's okay to feel scared about who you are becoming. Because becoming someone new is terrifying. It means stepping into the unknown, letting go of the familiar, even if the familiar is and was painful. It means trusting that the new you will be strong enough to handle the pain. That is simple, not easy. You have to step by step, increment by increment, do small, steady, sustainable things to let your nervous system know that safety is here and accessible and it's here to stay. And becoming someone new takes courage and it takes time. I would like to invite you to check in with your body now. As we talk about the death and the rebirth of our who we are, what do you feel? Is there tightness, heaviness, sense of emptiness? Just notice it, not trying to change it. Just say to that feeling, I see you. I know you are grieving.

SPEAKER_01 16:01

I see you. I know you are grieving.

Healing Is Not A Performance

Five Steps To Stay With Grief

SPEAKER_00 16:09

This is the work, this is the healing. It's not about fixing the pain, it's about making space for it. It's about saying, I'm willing to feel this, I'm willing to let go of the old, and I'm willing to become the new. I need to set boundaries, I need to transform. But healing is not a performance. I'm back on my podium, stomping and banging my feet and my fist. Healing is not a performance, it's not a checklist, and it's not something you need to prove or get through in record time. This is not fast stuff. If you're thinking cardio, I'm thinking like laying down and having a guided meditation pace slow, not cardio speed. The numb season is not a problem to solve. It is a place to rest, it is a place to be, it is a place to let your body know that you don't have to achieve anything here. For people pleasers, there's another trap: the trap of thinking you need to heal for others, to be better for your partner, to be more present for your children, to be less difficult for your family. But this healing is for you, not for anyone else, not for anyone's comfort, and not for anyone's expectations. Staying in the numbness, staying in the grief is not a failure. It is a sign that you are doing exactly what needs to do. This is not a stuck phase. This will pass, even though it may feel like it's lasting. This too shall pass. Just hold space for it. I want, I'm gonna invite you now to check in with that part of you where the grief is. The part that wants to do the healing correctly, the one, the part that wants to move forward to prove something. I want you to say to that part, you don't have to achieve anything here. You don't have to prove anything. You can just be. Speaking to that part of yourself that is high achieving, people pleasing, make everything perfect and get it done. You do not have to achieve anything here. You don't have anything to prove, you can just be. Allow this to be permission to stay here, to not get better on anyone's timeline but your own. So, how do you hold this grief? How do you navigate the double loss without drowning in it, right? How do you stay numb without fighting it? Witness it, honor it, make space for it. So if you'd like to get something, some notes to take out, a notepad on your phone, wherever you have notes. Five steps of staying with the numbness. Step one, name the loss. Close your eyes if you want. Take a breath and ask yourself, what am I grieving today? Maybe it's loss of safety, maybe it's loss of trust, loss of the old you. Name it. Say it out loud if you can. I'm grieving the loss of name the loss.

SPEAKER_01 21:10

I'm grieving the loss of Step two.

SPEAKER_00 21:18

Feel the sensation. Where do you feel that grief in your body? Chest, throat, stomach. Just notice the sensation. Don't try to push it away, just let it be there. And say to it, I feel you. You are here. Feel the sensation. I feel you. You are here. Step three offer some compassion. Place one. Hand on your heart, one on your belly, place them both on your belly, both on your heart. Maybe if you want to feel your pulse and it's easier to access, you can put your hands on your on your neck. And feel the grief. Offer yourself some compassion, saying something like, This is hard. This is heavy. But I'm here with you.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

This is hard. This is heavy. But I'm here with you. You are not alone. I am here. You are not alone. I am here.

Rest Permission And Closing Resources

SPEAKER_00 22:50

Or you can even say, it's okay to grieve. It's okay to feel this. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to feel this. Step four, breathe through it. Now take a nice deep inhale. And as you exhale, imagine that you are breathing out the grief. If you want, open that mouth and let it all out. Not getting rid of it, just letting it move through you. In and out, in and out, letting the grief flow through the body. In and out. Step five, anchor in permission. Now bring your attention back to the present. Feel your feet on the ground, wiggle your toes, raise your toes, engage the arches, do something to activate, right? Feel the ground. Feel the weight of your body in the chair if you're sitting down. Feel the air move in and out with your breath. And say to yourself, I am allowed to stay here. I am allowed to stay here. I am allowed to not move forward. I am allowed to not move forward. I am allowed to just be. And this is the practice, my dears. It's not about getting rid of the grief. It's not about moving to the next stage. It's about learning to carry it with grace. It's about learning to say, I'm grieving and I'm still here. So let's check in with our bodies. Notice your breath again. Notice where you are. Not fixing it. Place your hand on your heart, your belly, one on both, on your neck if you like to feel your pulse, if it's more accessible than the heart, depending on your clothing, or just access to the heartbeat, you know? Just giving you options. Feel the warmth of your hand, especially if it's on your neck, right? Feel that feel the warmth of your hand. It might be cold, right? Let it cool off the skin, maybe. It might be not warm, depending on all kinds of things, right? But feel the pulse, feel the beat of your heart if you can. And just say quietly, internally, I am here. I am grieving. And I am still here. I am here. I am grieving and I am still here. You don't have to fix shit today. You don't have to figure it all out today. You don't have to move to the next stage. Just stay with yourself. The part of you that's checking boxes, that's achieving, that's used to optimizing everything, including your healing. I see you. I see the neurodivergent mind that is scanning for the next step, the next tool, the next fix. I see the high achiever who's already listened to this and said, okay, girl, I've listened to this. What do I need to do next? How do I measure my progress? What are my to-do steps? The five steps that I just gave you are the steps. I see the people pleaser who is wondering, Am I doing this right? Am I healing fast enough? Am I being a good survivor? I want to tell you something, all of you. Stop it. Get off your own back. Stop being a bully. Stop pressuring yourself to perform, to perform, to perform. Just be. Put down the checklist, turn off the performance, and stop trying to do healing correctly. This season, the season of hollowness, of the quiet ache, of missing yourself, is not a problem to be solved or a hurdle to be jumped over. And it's definitely not a box to check before you can move into the rage season or the rebirth season. It's a place to rest. It is a place to just simply be. I invite you to honor this season of haughtiness with gentle love, slow compassion, and with the kind of tenderness you would offer a child who is tired and just needs to lie down. Don't look ahead. Don't try to predict the next step. Don't try to force the numbness to lift. Don't try to make the grief, don't force it to make sense. Just be here in the ache and the emptiness and the quiet. You don't have to earn your healing. You don't have to prove to your worthiness by healing faster or better or any of that. You're allowed to just be. Truly resting and honoring yourself and your phase of healing with gentle love and slow compassion. I can remember in my numb phase that there were days where I felt so stuck, and I thought that was just who I was. I thought this is my life. It's not getting any better. I remember just sitting, like feeling hollow, wanting to feel something. Maybe like even I wanted to cry at times, and nothing would come. I was just like the closest word I can explain it to, I would feel catatonic almost, just like, let me just sit in one spot and stare. I have nothing to give, nothing to offer. I don't want to learn anything. I don't want to give anything. I don't want to change anything. I have no energy for it. I'm just going to stare until the next to-do thing comes up. The next mom responsibility or work responsibility I have to do, right? I can remember thinking that I've achieved so much and I did all these things to be healed, but here I was, numb as fuck with no end in sight. The numb season can be dark, but it does end. It does get better. And I promise you, I've said it earlier, and I'll say it again: this two shall pass. So take a breath with me. Let's inhale. Open that mouth and exhale. And say to that part of you that wants to achieve, perform, or fix, you can rest now. You don't have to do anything. You're enough exactly as you are. You can rest now. You don't have to do anything. You are enough exactly as you are. I'm gonna say it with the I pronoun, and then I'll move on. Repeat after me. I can rest now. I don't have to do anything. I am enough exactly as I am. This is where we are, and it is enough. That's it, my friends. That's all for me today. If you want to see past episodes that start with the sexual trauma series, it is in the show notes. If you want a good musical playlist, you can uh follow the link in my show notes. It is a good Apple playlist with some really badass jams. I really love it. It's a really positive mix, really positive vibes, really get you out of the mainstream jargon. And if you want to work with me, there's you can reach the link there as if you want to work one-on-one. But until next time, please remember you are never too much, you are never too late, and you never have to carry this alone. I'll be here waiting right here for you, my dear, every Wednesday and Friday this season, season two of Healing After Sexual Trauma. May you find peace in the ache. May your healing ribble outward, bringing a little more softness and freedom to the world. Protect your awakened heart, and I'll see you soon.