Identifying Emotions

Many of us struggle to identify our emotions, in this episode we discuss why it is important to identify them as well as give tips and tricks that you can do to grow your ability to identify what emotions you are experiencing as they come up. Emotional intelligence is something that is learned and can be improved at any age, it's never too late to thrive through life. 

If you'd like more in depth or personalized help improving your emotional intelligence, we sell workbooks and courses, as well as Cheli has sessions available. So check out our website www.pathwaytoempowerment.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

People with the highest emotional vocabulary tend to be the most well adjusted and content. However, many of us struggle to understand the information our emotions are trying to communicate. I'm your host, Shalee.

SPEAKER_00 0:15

And I'm your co-host, Sam. And you're listening to Pathway to Empowerment, where we believe in thriving, not surviving.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

Today we're going to be discussing how to identify emotions and the underlying message that they're trying to communicate to us. Because if you can't name it, you can't tame it. Shalee, they say that precise labeling is the first step toward emotional mastery. What are some specific ways that someone can develop their emotional identification skills?

SPEAKER_00 0:50

So you're absolutely right. If we can name it, we can actually work to challenge and tame it, right? So when experiencing a strong reaction, it's important to use a DBT skill. We talk about DBT quite often, and that DBT skill is the stop skill. Now remember, in in DVT, all skills are acronyms. So stop is an acronym and it stands for stop. So physically stop in your tracks. T is take a step back. Well, let's start with stop. So stop. When you stop, it actually breaks the thought. So that thought doesn't continue anymore because you've broke the pattern of the thought. Does that make sense? So T means take a step back. Taking a step back actually helps you gain a little bit more distance from that thought so you can see it clearly. So you can look at it from different perspectives. Okay. Then O stands for observe. When we're observing, we're observing our thoughts, our feelings, our actions, and our emotions, as well as the environment in which we are at. So then we use the P, which is proceed mindfully or to not make matters worse for ourselves or for others. So that's the first part of that name at to tame it, right? Because when we can do that, we can actually like work to be non-judgmental of whatever that feeling or emotion was. Okay. Because when we're attached to it, like saying, Oh, I'm very angry today, we've taken ownership of it and we are judging ourselves as bad at that point, most likely. Yeah. Does that make sense? So then the next part is body awareness. So identifying emotional physical markers, such as a lump in the throat. I know for me, when I go to a movie and I don't want to cry, right? Because it feels really emotional. I have a lump in my throat and I have to I have to clear that lump and I have to clear that lump. And you know, sometimes the sometimes that will take me out of that emotion, but sometimes I need the physical release of the tears. But that is a big one. Heat in the face from anger, right? Or feeling the pulse run through your fingers.

SPEAKER_01 3:09

When I get I've only gotten it a few times when I've gotten such extreme anger that I can feel the blood rushing. I can feel the blood going through my arms.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Or an increased heart rate when you're nervous or scared or excited, right? Sometimes with anxiety, that's that pit in your stomach where it just feels like butterflies are swirling around in there. Or people like shaking a little bit when they're nervous. Or vo the their voice will shake too. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 3:43

So there's different body cues.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

Absolutely. So there's markers for your body so that you know, you become aware that that emotion is rising within you so that you can actually implement some of the skills that we've taught so that you can release that and get back to a homeostasis state. So again, using tools, utilizing the emotion will or apps to broaden your emotional vocabulary, because most of us are really, really have a deficit in understanding how many emotions are really available to us. Remember, there's 25 categories of feelings. So we have a lot to choose from. And I know for me as a therapist, I have I actually have a tote that I that I use, especially with somebody that really has struggled with being able to identify their feelings and emotions. And each one of them, each emotion is written on a sponge or a foam that the person can actually touch and feel and and and work to identify what that might look like or feel like within themselves so that they can get to where that feeling and emotion has more meaning to them. Yeah. So that's a really good one as well. Journaling is a really good outlet for most of us. Writing down your daily experiences and feelings in a journal or an or a note-taking app. Um, I prefer our journals that we've created that help guide you in ways to identify your feelings and emotions. Those ones are good ones. They're they're an easy fit for that. Then also external art. I'm that I'm a big proponent of art and helping somebody experiment through their feelings and emotions by drawing it or painting it or utilizing some sort of art or medium.

SPEAKER_01 5:49

Have you noticed? Well, I do this like when I'm feeling a certain way. When I like, for example, if I've gone through something hard or I'm really sad, then I'll tend to listen to one playlist versus if I'm happy and upbeat, I'll listen to another, or if I'm angry, I'll you know, maybe listen to a different type of music to cater to the emotion that I'm like feeling.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

Right. And again, we talked about verbiage a little bit, right? Verbiage actually helps us identify things in all sorts of areas, and emotions is one of those big ones for us. And so when we listen to music, music actually actually like soothes the soul or it excites us or it creates the more energy for the anger. So we we tend to have playlists for anger, we tend to have playlists for sadness or excitement or enjoyment or dancing or whatever we're doing. So absolutely, music is a really good outlet for us. However, we have to remember with music, we have to be really careful because we can get stuck in it. I mean, I know for me, I Michael Bolton was a big artist that was popular when I was going through a divorce, and I got stuck in one of his songs, and I repeated it and repeated it and repeated it, so now I can't even stand to listen to it anymore, right? Even the thought of it, like the the song was How Can We Be Lovers If We Can't Be Friends? Right. And so it's like really like those we can get stuck in, and it helps us just stay in that emotion instead of moving through it.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:43

So sometimes I challenge people to, if you're feeling sad, instead listen to your happy track. Yeah, listen to something that brings you uplifting joy. Mm-hmm. That's a good idea. So another part is of course seeking therapy, right? Sometimes we feel like we're going to be able to get ourselves out of it. And you know, there's there's AI, chat GPT is a blessing and a curse because you can get you can get information, but if you can't disseminate it, like for instance, if I have a toothache or if I have an ache in my body, or if I have something wrong with me, and I go to chat GPT and I ask the question, it's only going to give me the answer that it it can with the knowledge I give it. And if I don't know more knowledge, I can't get more deep information. So I can't I can't fix what's wrong with me. So making sure that you're finding a therapist that's good for a good fit for you and working with them so that you can you can move through your feelings and emotions is vital.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

Yeah. I know that a lot of us can only name a handful of emotions. How many did you say we actually have?

SPEAKER_00 9:00

No, we have hundreds. We have hundreds and hundreds. There's 25 categories.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

So there's probably like maybe ten basic emotions that make it. Typically five.

SPEAKER_00 9:13

Yeah, typically five.

SPEAKER_01 9:14

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 9:14

Yeah, typically there's five emotions that we as humans typically like allow ourselves to feel on a daily basis, which is anger, fear, happiness, sadness, anxiety, and surprise, you know, that excitement. Those are those are the typical ones that we allow ourselves to identify. And remember, we started this off by saying the more the more that you know about emotions, the better off you're going to be because you're gonna be able to move through it. I mean, I can remember my mom was a huge walking encyclopedia. In fact, my brother tried to stump her all the time with weird words, and she would know the the word, how to spell it and a definition, and how to use it. And so I remember the first time she was like, you know what? Today I'm feeling really discombobulated. And I was like, Wait, what does that mean? That's an amazing word, but what does it mean? Right? And so when we actually allow ourselves to utilize the information and get away from those five may those five basic ones, we have a lot more variety of understanding ourselves and understanding what's going on within us and within others.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

Yeah. There's a recent movie, well, I guess it's been the past few years, Inside Out, and then the second one came out a few years after, and the first one is like the standard basic ones that everybody knows, you know. And then the second movie they introduce characters that are different. Yeah. I like there's a character on we I had never heard that word before in my life. Yeah. So that was cool, like just it just like opens up emotions that maybe otherwise you wouldn't know were there. Right. To this to the public, to kids specifically, too. But I love how it's like showing emotional maturity or like growth for the main character. I can't remember what her name is from the first movie to the second movie, because she goes from the basic ones to having all these other new ones coming along.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

I love that because when we can introduce children to emotions, they no longer be come scary. They are something that we can explore, and if we can explore it at a young age, we might not have the difficulty when we're older. You're gonna have more well-adjusted individuals because their their emotional intelligence is there. Yeah. So that's awesome. So there are one of the things that I always found was fascinating is that we have primary and we have secondary emotions. And more often than not, we get really confused with that. Because if you were to say to me, you know, like I'm angry, okay. What what's under the anger? What's under that? Because anger, remember what we we talked about before in a different podcast. Anger is energy. So what is underneath the energy? And typically what we find underneath there is sadness or something different, but the anger covers that up and protects us. So typically, when we have a primary and secondary emotion, we have them layered for safety, and so if we can dig deep enough, we can find those secondary emotions as well. And then we can oh we can figure out what to do to eliminate the situation or the problem without dismissing either the primary or the secondary emotion. Yeah, and we do better, yeah, right. But if if I say, Why are you angry? and you're like, I just am angry, that's not really factual. But you're probably scared of looking underneath that anger. Yeah. At whatever really is underneath it. Yeah. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_01 13:59

Yep, that does. Emotional intelligence can be a hard thing for a lot of us to build, especially because of familial or social norms and expectations. Like how many times you hear girls are just too emotional, girls are crazy, stop being a baby, or boys don't cry, man up, like those kind of things. Don't be a crybaby. Yeah, those kind of things, those sentiments can cause us to not grow emotionally or not express become emotional inept. Yeah, there's a stigma around emotions. So, how can we combat that rhetoric and build a healthier emotional playing field for ourselves as well as our children? And is it ever too late to learn how to identify, process, and manage our emotions in a healthy way? And if someone is a new parent, how can they begin to teach their child these skills? I know there's those are stacked up questions.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

Yeah, absolutely. So because that is a stacked up, let's break it down. So the stigma part starts in the home. Absolutely. It can also be a part of our school, a part of our friends, a part of you know our ecclesiastic stuff. So it can be on many different layers. So we need to put some boundaries in place really early on with your family of origin in regards to emotional safety, and then for your children, right? Because if you can do that for yourself and then for your children, then you can broaden it out to work, school, church, other buildings, other places, other people, right? Yeah. And when you're feeling safe at home and you can express your feelings and emotions safely within the home, you feel safer to do it every single place that you go. Yeah. Does that make sense? So it is vital that we we create a safety within our home for our children to express whatever they need to, whenever they need to. I totally think that we have it wrong when we call two-year-olds the terrible twos, because they are just learning their emotional intelligence. They're just learning about their personality, they're just so engaged with life in general that they're in a place where they're standing up for themselves. And we get really frustrated and tired with that because we're in hurry, hurry, hurry mode. Instead of slowing down and saying, tell me about what you're feeling right now. You look really, really angry. What's going on? No, usually we're like, stop doing that. Just do what I told you to do. Instead of being curious and just living in that moment with that child and really absorbing it so that child feels safe, expressing whatever it is. Now, there is that thing that we get to explain to kids this is this is a safe place for you to explore all feelings and emotions. But even then, we have to have some boundaries set in place for that, right? Because that's a vital thing for those children to actually learn how to navigate those emotions in a healthy, productive way. Yeah. Most of us, though, we isolate our children, which creates more problems for them. They feel abandoned, so they become, they have abandonment wounds. And we were actually taught that by people years ago, right? Put them in time out. Yeah. No, let's have a time in. Sit next to them, have them be silent, have them reflect on what they're feeling and why they're feeling it while you sit quietly next to them. We do that for the age they are old. So if you have a three-year-old, you sit quietly for three minutes while they internally reflect on what happened and why. Then after the three minutes, you turn to them and say, Can you tell me what happened and why you're feeling that way? And then you use the guidance and the rules for your home to make it not happen again. Does that make sense? So that's a huge part of it. Is it too late? Never too late. It is never ever ever too late to actually learn how to emote. Is it harder? Oh, absolutely it is harder. One of the hardest parts is allowing yourself to start to identify each feeling and emotion you're having. But we have to start somewhere. So it's never too late. It's actually a really beautiful thing when you walk somebody through that process and you get to see the growth. And typically, as an adult, when we've stuffed it for so long, it it's a rapid fire once you allow it to happen. Okay. Interesting. Yeah. So those those are those are the things that make emotions really beautiful for all of us is allowing ourselves to really, really come together as individuals and allow whatever to be okay to be okay. And if it's not okay, talk about why it's not okay. Oh, so you got really, really angry and you hate your brother. That's let's talk about why anger's okay, but why hitting your brother is not okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Yeah, just the way you express that anger. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

Does that make sense? Can you imagine how different the world would be if we were all taught how to acknowledge, identify, express, and regulate our emotions as small kids?

SPEAKER_00 19:58

That's my goal, Sam, is to have everybody know how to work within the network of feelings and emotions. They truly are our superpower. Yeah. It's the superpower that we have innately. But we'd never just look. I know Superman is not the good character right now and the most popular or whatever. But Superman, if you if you watch Superman, he had his superpowers and he didn't know how to use them, and they worked against him until he really honed those skills and really ri was able to allow himself to master them. So when we start to master our feelings and emotions, they become our superpower. Yeah. And life changes for us.

SPEAKER_01 20:45

The world could look totally different if we all were taught. Absolutely. Yeah. Identifying, acknowledging without judgment and letting our emotions flow through us rather than get stuck within us allows us to use the information given by the emotion and act rather than be reactive. And helps us maintain a regulated nervous system. Hopefully, today's conversation has taught you how to better understand the communication system our body uses through emotions so that we're all able to thrive. If you're on an emotional growth journey or you'd like to understand your emotions better, check out our website, pathway to empowerment.com. We have workbooks and courses that are designed to guide you along the way and give you a deep understanding of yourself. Tune in on Monday as we dive deeper into how emotions feel within our bodies. We'll see you next time.