Guilt Versus Shame

This episode breaks down the fundamental differences between guilt and shame, offering a powerful roadmap to break free from toxic shame patterns. Our hope is that we can take these steps to detach our identity from our mistakes and rewrite our stories through the lens of self-compassion. 

Transcript

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We all carry a backpack of should haves, if only's, and I'm not good enough. But what if that weight isn't actually ours to carry? I'm your host, Shalee, and I'm your co-host Sam. And you're listening to Pathway to Empowerment, where we believe in thriving, not surviving. Today we will break down the fundamental difference between guilt and shame, offering a powerful, actionable roadmap for breaking free from the paralyzing cycles, affectionism and self-loathing. Oftentimes people use guilt and shame kind of interchangeably. Chilly, can you define each of those things for us and distinguish between the two? Absolutely. So when we look at guilt, we're gonna go with guilt first. Guilt is something that I feel remorse for, a specific behavior, a specific thing that you have done wrong, right? So that is something that we can do something with. We can do something with with guilt. Because guilt is an actionable thing, a changeable thing. Whereas shame is a painful feeling that you personally are fundamentally flawed. So I am the problem. I am bad. I am wrong. In other words, guilt focuses on the action or the behavior, shame focuses on yourself. So I did versus I am. Yes. So shame we can't do anything about because we can't erase you. We can't erase me. So shame is something that is really, really challenging to change because if I believe I'm the problem, I can't fix that. Okay. So I have to learn how to fix the shame and change it into guilt so then I can change the behavior. Interesting. Okay. How can someone distinguish between healthy guilt that prompts social awareness and say toxic shame that leads to isolation and self-loathing? And how can you distinguish between the two when you're experiencing something? So again, guilt, there's a lot of things that we we have guilt over that actually does something good for us. There's a lot of guilt that does something bad for us as well, or something negative for us as well. But healthy guilt is when you can look at a situation or a behavior that you had. Maybe maybe, for instance, I'll break it down this way. I love to exaggerate. Now, is there even 472 hours in a week? No. So everybody's like, well, that's an a sheer exaggeration. But if I said to if I said to somebody that I've worked that many hours and I was doing something for them, is that gonna be something that creates sh that guilt that they've asked me to do that for them? Yeah, probably. Yeah. Did I mean to create guilt for that person? Not necessarily. No. So is that a healthy guilt or an unhealthy guilt? Unhealthy because it wasn't meant. Right. So there's healthy guilt though, where I'm like, man, I really, I really need to get this done. Why am I not getting this done? Shlee you know better. You know how to do this. Why are you procrastinating? And and then feeling a little bit of guilt when maybe let's say I told my daughter I would pick her up at 2 30 and I don't get there until 2 45 because I had procrastinated something. And then it's not not healthy, right? But it is it is that detrimental or not so much detrimental? Not detrimental, right? So guilt can actually if I look at it that way, I can go, Shlee, you know how to do this differently. So next time stop doing it at this time so you can get to where you need to be in order to fulfill your obligations. That's a healthy guilt. Okay. Does that make more sense? We often hear that guilt is functional and shame is dysfunctional. However, can healthy guilt turn into something that's toxic, toxic shame if it's never properly addressed? And what is that turning point if there is one? Okay, so again, like guilt and shame are completely different pieces, right? So more often than not, your guilt has probably been a shame piece for you that you've actually worked on creating it into a guilt piece. So I've moved it from I am the problem to my behavior's the problem, and then I can work through whatever that is. If I don't allow myself grace though, can I turn that back into oh maybe I was kidding myself, maybe I really am the problem, and it become toxic? Absolutely. So, like if somebody has a habit of repeating the same mistake and action time and time again, they can turn it into instead of I keep doing this mistake, I am this. I am the mistake. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What is the most common way shame describes itself as something else, such as perfectionism or anger? So shame actually disguises itself most of the time. Because when when we can identify shame, we can actually start to address it. So it goes underneath it. A lot of times we put denial around it to keep ourselves safe from the shame piece, or it can be looked at as embarrassment, right? Shame can be an embarrassment piece. So it can it can absolutely disguise itself into something something different. Perfectionism is absolutely a shame piece because what you're saying is I'm not good enough by myself. So I need to be perfect in order to be loved and approved of. Yeah. Right? So that is that is a big one for a lot of people. I need to be perfect. And if I'm not perfect, then I'm not lovable. Is that maybe also with like the people who try to be and do everything for everybody? So people pleasing? Yeah, I guess. Absolutely. So people pleasing absolutely is saying I need to be perfect because if I'm not and I don't go above and beyond, then you can't love me. And I can't love me. So then you shame yourself for not being able to do and be everything for everyone. Interesting. When working with someone that is stuck in a in a shame spiral, how do you help them reframe the internal belief that I am bad back into that behavioral reality of I did something wrong? How do you help them make that switch? So the saddest part about the difference between shame and guilt is when we recognize when we finally move that denial piece, when we look at what that shame piece is, it's hard to even then be able to move it forward to looking at it as not a me thing, but a m a behavior thing. So we first have to become aware in order for us to challenge or change anything. And once we become aware of it, then we have the arduous task of moving that piece by piece down the road to healing it. So that it it it is a very light guilt at some point instead of a shame that we wear like a cloak. So it takes a long time to actually do that. So one of the ways that I challenge people to look at things is by looking at their core distortions. Where did this come from? How did you how did you own this? Where what people play some things in your life created this distorted view. Now it's important, Sam, that everybody understands we're not ever blaming anyone for heaping shame on us. We actually do that by distorting what is said to, through, and around us. More often than not, the people that we heard these things from that we own, because we have to remember when we start our core distortions, we're very, very young because we're building our core value system from the age of two up. And so when we're we're gathering these things to us, we're in a very egocentric state, which means that we believe everything is about us. So when something happens that is wrong, we own it and it becomes our fault and only looked at as if I didn't if I didn't exist, this wouldn't be a problem. Does that make sense? Yeah. So we have to really challenge it from a core distortion stage in order for us to actually then turn it from shame to guilt. We help people, particularly children, or those from honor-based cultures, separate their actions from their core identity when their upbringing taught them that mistakes make them fundamentally bad. So again, we have to we have to look at what the culture belief is. We have to look at what where they obtained this distorted view of themselves, and then we have to decide if it's still working for them, because sometimes our shame is still doing something for us, and we're not ready or willing to give it up. And so we have to be ready in order to actually like challenge and change it. But sometimes it's still doing something for us, whether that's a positive or a negative, so then we can then challenge and change it. But any culture has every culture has things, every religion has things, every family has things, so it depends on which piece of your environment it's coming from, whether it's going to be really deeply rooted or whether it's going to be a little bit easier to eradicate. Okay. How does our current culture, especially social media, like fuel toxic thing? So I see this a lot, unfortunately. And I would like to just say that it's uh with one gender, but it's not. It's across the board. It doesn't have any socioeconomic tendencies. It's across the board that we have certain pieces of our social media that either feed you to help you feel good about yourself or feed you to really hone in on the I'm not enough, I'm not lovable enough, I'll never change, I'm not not going to make it in the world, or I can't do what society wants for so that I'm I must not be okay. This happens with gender, which I think that we're doing a little bit better there with accepting people. I mean, now we use pronouns, right? And understanding that different people use different pronouns and really gravitate towards that. So we're doing a little bit better in that aspect. But if you think about, we're just gonna talk about women for a second. If you think about women, how many social media pieces do you find that talk about how a woman should look, how she should dress, how she should act, what she should do in a relationship, what she's supposed to do for her partner, what she's supposed to give of herself physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. And if that person doesn't know how to do that, are they gonna be shamed for their inability to do it? And social media shines that huge spotlight on that. And then if we talk about men, the same is true in their the way that are you making enough money? Are you buying your woman the things she wants or your partner the things they need and want? Are you enough? Are you are you living up to what society says you should be doing, you know? And we see a lot, I don't know if you've noticed this, but a lot right now is is actually like shaming the older population, anybody over the age of twenty, three, basically, for not making enough money for working a nine to five. It's easy to make money. Why are you not making money? It's easy to make thirty thousand dollars a month because social media is gearing it towards making it look easy, or some people that have found success want it as easy. Does that make sense? Yeah, if a person feels guilty for setting a healthy boundary, is that a sign of an internalized shame story? And how do they rewrite that script so that they can form healthy boundaries for themselves? So the reality is it doesn't necessarily mean that it's an internal shame story. It might mean that they have they have bought into a narrative that's not true, but it might not necessarily be a shame story. It might it might be something that they're looking at again. If we're talking about guilt, they're looking at their behavior not being correct. If if we're looking at a shame story, then they might actually be living a narrative that's gonna propagate more shame and continue that shame forward because they're stuck in that shame cycle. Okay. But guilt not necessarily so. Okay. So again, it's important that we really, really identify is this guilt or is this shame? And the to do that, all we have to ask ourselves is do I feel like I'm the problem or do I feel like my behavior's the problem? Okay. What are some actionable steps that someone can do consistently to work on their self-worth so that they don't fall into toxic shame patterns? So the biggest thing that I recommend is really digging into understanding what your core distortions are. And I truly love the 13 core distortions that I write about in my book. Where we talk about, you know, 13 universal distortions, and we break it down in a little bit different than the black or white thinking, like you can find online. Because what I do is I I I break that down into sentences, such as one of the big ones for me has always been I need to it, I need to feel loved and approved of by every significant person in my life, and if not, it's awful. That's a core distortion that I can then go, okay, is this a shame story? Is this a guilt story? How does how what events in my life have created this belief pattern or this narrative that I'm living in, so then I can do something with it. But there's also a lot of other skills that I can teach someone so that they can do things differently. But again, further, this is not something that's going to be fixed overnight. This is a long, drawn-out process because if you think about it, our core distortions, we started building at the age of two. So for me, that's over 50 years. For you, it's a little bit less time, but still a lot longer than having it be fixed overnight. So it's gonna take a lot of work and a lot of dedication in understanding who you are and the difficulties that you're having because of the situations, places, and events that you've bought into and distorted. Okay. Is there a therapy modality that is more effective for someone who struggles with toxic shame patterns? Well, there's a few that I think are really beneficial for this. One of them being DBT or dialectical behavior therapy, because it teaches us how to navigate through different patterns of our personal or with when we're in regards to relational. So there's a lot of different skill sets that DBT can teach us so that we can navigate through that. Okay. Also, CBT is really helpful because we've got to look at like that what cognitively we're thinking and doing. But also there's some other ones that are really great as well. So I find that we just have to look at the person, get to know that person, and then find the modality that works for them. Okay. Well, thank you, Shelley, for sharing this information with us today. I hope our conversation helps viewers stop listening to the shame that whispers that they are unlovable, broken, or never enough. My goal is for us to take these steps to detach our identity from our mistakes, cease self-attacks, and start rewriting our stories through the lens of radical self-compassion and self-worth. If you'd like to share your thoughts on today's episode or suggest topics for future discussion, please click the link below and let us know what's on your mind. Don't forget to enter for your chance to win our raffle coming up at the end of the month. Full details are posted on our social medias. On Friday, we will be chatting about trapped emotions, so be sure to tune in. We'll see you next time.