Communicating Your Emotions

Now that we have a base of knowledge about what emotions we are experiencing, it's time to dive into how we communicate our emotions to the people in our lives in an effective and healthy way. This episode discusses why it is important to communicate our emotions in a healthy way and how to do that. So you will leave with actionable tools you can use in your communication skills and your relationships will thrive because of it. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

When was the last time you expressed your true feelings without immediately apologizing for them? I'm your host, Shalee, and I'm your co-host, Sam. And you're listening to Faculate True Empowerment, where we believe in thriving, not surviving. Most of us are taught to not communicate our true feelings, to tell everyone, I'm fine and keep it moving. But in order to experience true connection and belonging, we need to learn how to communicate and express ourselves fully. Today we are going to chat about why it's important that we learn how to communicate our feelings in a productive way and how to do that. Sully, let's start off first with why it's so important that we learn how to communicate our feelings in a healthy and effective way. And how can healthy communication benefit our lives? So when we think about healthy, effective ways, we sometimes stumble there because we do automatic things that may or may not be healthy. Okay. That's the difference between coping strategies and coping skills. Coping strategies may or may not be helpful, where coping skills are always helpful. Okay. So when we look at how to communicate our feelings in a healthy, effective way, we have the need to really get to starting to use I feel statements. I feel happy, mad, sad, glad. And we used to teach I feel when you, right? So then it's it's not a placing blame on someone else, but that can still make the other person feel defensive. Yeah. But if I were to say, I I feel really sad, and I feel really sad about the discussion we had earlier. Then the other person might be like, oh, help me understand, I don't understand. So that's a big thing that we can do to create that healthy communication. But more often than not, we're taught to say, you made me mad. No, they didn't. They they created a situation or a circumstance that you reacted to and then you blamed them.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Does that make sense? So we we get to start looking at what healthy looks like versus how we normally or naturally do things with each other. Yeah. I remember when I was in college, we learned the I feel when you because I need. But they're also a really great thing for us to look at and have modeled for us or see how other people do it so that we can then do it that way too and get a better outcome. Yeah. I I tell my dad specifically a lot, it's not what you say necessarily, it's how you say it. And I tell my son's dad that too. When my son's dad was married to his second wife, was the best communication ever because he automatically goes to, you will do this, and this is how it will be, and this is, you know, when he's asking me for something. Instead of asking me, he says, This is what you're going to do. And his wife would be in the group text, and she'd be like, What he means to say is, we're doing this and we would love to have your son be involved. Would you be willing? And that makes all the difference in the way the communication goes. You know, rather than a demand, it's a request. Absolutely. And so when you can see the difference, can you see how that benefits not just you? It probably even benefited their relationship because she didn't have to be like hearing him go, oh, like she do what I ask her to do. Right? Because she's able to say, Well, you didn't really ask, you told them there's a difference there. Yeah, and he receives that that information from her better and differently than he receives it from me. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, it's interesting, just the that little change, how that makes it more healthy communication. Huge benefits and dividends happen that way. Yeah. How do I determine which feelings are safe and appropriate to share and which I should process more privately? So that's a great question. And more often than not, I know for me as a therapist, I have I have a lot of clients who will say, Well, I feel like I have to share everything in order for that person to know who I am. It is vital, Sam, that we understand that not everybody needs or has the ability to know your story. They you don't owe them anything. And yet sometimes we feel like we have to explain ourselves. We have to tell them why we're feeling this way, or we have to share with them intimate things that we haven't really allowed ourselves to process through because we feel like we owe them. And so it's it's vital that we actually take that step back and look at it and go, they don't have a right to my story. I don't need to share that with them. I don't even know what it really means to me yet. So how can I share that with someone? In fact, if you think about it, like women, women do this a lot because we feel like we have to let other people know. And if we don't, then somebody's gonna get their feelings hurt. And what I mean by that is when we find out we're pregnant, it's this beautiful moment for us. And yet it's a very private moment too, and not everybody's entitled to know that. Yeah, and yet everybody feels entitled to know that. I I have a cousin who her mom, her mom and my mom were very similar in this. When they knew something, the world knew it. And and so my cousin found out she was pregnant, and she was a little older when she found this pregnancy out, and she just wanted to keep it to herself for a while. And she got really, really upset that her mom, she had shared it with her mom, and then her mom shared it with the world. And so my suggestion is allow yourself the opportunity to just sit with it until you feel like it's something you either want to share or need to share. Because there's times when somebody will tell something to someone else, and then we might get our feelings hurt. Okay. I learned a long time ago before that though, that if I wanted the world to know, I told my mom. If I didn't want the world to know, I didn't tell my mom. Yeah. What about the appropriate piece? Like sometimes not everybody is appropriate. So I I've experienced a lot where like certain parents will be dumping on their kids all their stuff that's not really age appropriate for their kid to to know and be involved in. So how can people determine who might be appropriate to tell and who might not be? Well, one of the things you have to look at, and especially in regards to your children, is there are certain things your children should never ever be a part of. And nor do you you hopefully you want them to, nor should they ask. You know, and some of those those are feelings and emotions between a man and a woman. What happens in their marriage and in their marriage bed should never cross the line. It should never, even if that dad or that mom have older children, it's still not safe or appropriate to share that with your child. They just that's should never pass that. So that's the number one thing. The other thing is when we're looking at appropriateness, we have to look at will this person have the ability to process this without holding on to my stuff. So if they can't hold on to my stuff because it'll be too much for them, I should not share it with them. Right. Does that make sense? How do I be a little discomfort with vulnerability when I have historically felt that being seen is dangerous? That one's a big one because more often than not, I will tell people lean in. Lean into that vulnerability, lean into allowing yourself to open up because it's for your growth. Now, having said that, again, if we go back to what you just asked, we have to do it in a way that's safe and appropriate. Because if I'm leaning in and being vulnerable with someone that can't be vulnerable back or accept vulnerability, I've actually created damage for myself and damage for my ability to share anything further with someone that is appropriate or able to handle it. So it is really important that we learn slowly, we go slowly, we do it in increments and watch and see which one of our group can navigate that and handle handle that vulnerability of us leaning in and sharing. Without talking about it with anybody else, without using it against you later. Without using it against you later, but also without like shying away from it because they don't know how to handle it.

unknown 11:18

Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:18

I mean, I remember being in a in a group setting, and one of the therapists that was running the group with me, she was so vitally unable to listen, hear, or give responses back if somebody had a sexual question. And so that that discouraged that person from actually sharing in what she felt was a really safe place, and the only place she felt like she could get real true honest answers.

SPEAKER_01 11:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:52

So, and I think that we have to even be careful there because again, like if you're if you know your therapist may not have those answers, or that may not be there for say, find somebody else to talk to about it. Yeah. Does that make sense? What are some techniques to manage physical reactions to emotions like panic or anger before you attempt to communicate them? One of my favorites, and we've two of my favorites actually, and we've talked about both of them in other episodes, is tapping. Okay. Whether it's the MDR tapping or whether it's just the tapping that we do on different parts of our system. Those are really great regulation skills and helping you navigate the emotions that come up for you. Another great one that I love to give people, but we haven't, I don't think we've talked about this one on anything yet, is an anchor. Okay, we can actually anchor a memory to that person that will help them ride through difficult emotions without it like devastating them. Okay. How can I articulate difficult emotions like anger or jealousy in a way that is productive rather than destructive? Okay. So when we think about anger, we have to remember that anger is a trauma response emotion. And we we get angry because our body has identified a threat to us. So it is better for us to actually take ourselves out of the equation and not even try to articulate that until we get back to a regulated state so our cognitive brain can work through and share what really the underlying piece was and why that emotion showed up. Okay. Okay, so that's really vital with anger because when you're angry, your cognitive brain does not work, it's shut down. And so you most often we're gonna make matters worse, we're not gonna make it better.

SPEAKER_01 14:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 14:09

Okay, so that's a big one for anger. Jealousy, jealousy and envy. We've talked about how those two things are used simultaneously or intermingled, and they're two different things. Jealousy is very destructive. Jealousy is I want and I don't want that other person to have. And again, we need to actually step back ourselves and process is this jealousy or is this envy? And if it's jealousy, why do I feel like I'm jealous of that person having or doing this thing? Why do I want to take it from them? Because that's really what jealousy is. If I'm gonna take this from you, I don't want you to have it. So if we can do that, we might sit with it long enough to go, I'm not jealous. I'm envious. Man, I'm really envious that you got to go on that trip and I didn't. That sounds like an amazing thing, and I want to enjoy it too. Or I'm I'm really envious that you can eat that type of food that I've always thought would be amazing, but I don't dare because it might hurt my stomach, or it might I might gain weight and you're not, like some of those kind of things. Those are those are more envy than jealousy. Okay. Jealousy really is I want and I don't want you to have. Okay. Well, what is the best way to share sensitive feelings with someone who tends to be defensive or even dismissive of your feelings? So the dismissive one is really, really hard. And what I would suggest is not sharing your feelings and emotions with that person unless and until they're willing to validate you without it feeling dismissive. Because you're going to walk away every single time from that exchange feeling worse instead of better. Because if a person is dismissive, you're never going to feel like you're seen or heard.

SPEAKER_01 16:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:22

If they're if they have the capacity and then uh and the willingness to actually learn some skills and ways so that they can validate that without saying you're right. I agree with you. Right? Because that's a skill. You can be feeling a certain way, and you can come to me and say, hey, I'm really feeling sad, mad, glad, ha whatever the feeling is because this thing happened. And I can go, wow, some that that sounds really difficult for you. You know, that would be hard. And that's validating those feelings for you. And I didn't have to own whether I was part of it or not part of it. Does that make sense? Yeah. But if I'm dismissive and I don't have that capacity, it would be like, just get over it. Yeah. Like I don't know why you're feeling that way. That's stupid. Yeah. That's very dismissive, and you're never gonna walk away from those exchanges feeling any better, even if you share your feeling and emotion with that person. Yeah. How do I communicate my needs without feeling like I'm being demanding or being selfish? So one of the things we have to remember about this is it is absolutely vital that we can share our feelings. And sometimes it means that we need to demand that person help us with that or give us something in return. And there's nothing wrong with that if you have that type of a relationship with that person. So what I mean by that is if if I have a feeling that I'm not being seen or heard and I want to spend time with my husband, I can go to him and say, I do not feel like we're connecting. And we need to, and I will not stand for us not going on a date so that we can spend time to get to know each other better and feel more connected. Do you see how that's demanding? But it's not, you will do this. It's a we, this is a non-negotiable, and we are going to do this if we're going to continue our relationship.

SPEAKER_01 18:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

Okay, so there's that that big difference between demanding and and in one way versus another way. Now, as far as selfishness, we've we use selfish in a wrong way as well. Being able to say, I have a need, I have a need to spend time with you, I feel very disconnected and not loved in this moment is not selfish. That's saying, I have a need, can you need it? There's absolutely a difference than being selfish. Selfish is saying, I don't care what you think about it, you're going to give this to me. Yeah. Does that make sense? What is the practical framework for using an I feel statement rather than an accusatory use statement during a conflict? I love this question because we don't share communication in a healthy way typically. When we share information with somebody during a conflict, we're we're having a conflict because an emotion has got stuck. It's an emotion that we feel deeply about that we want the other person to feel deeply about. And they have as much passion about their feeling that they're stuck in and want us to understand it. So when we use I feel statements in in a conflict, what's really helpful is to say, I'm feeling like you're not hearing the reason that I feel so passionate about this. I can see you're really passionate about it too on your side. Do you think we can compromise and you you try to put yourself in my shoes, and then I will do the same thing for you? Do you want to go first? And that way, if we do that, there's going to be an easier way for us to resolve a conflict because you're giving in the middle of that and asking for the same in return. So it's not a lose-lose situation, and it's not one-sided win. It's a hey, let's find a compromise so we can both win. Yeah. Building a bridge. Absolutely. What are the best indicators that I may be making progress in my ability to communicate my emotions effectively? So when emotions don't scare you as much, that's a big one. If you can go to somebody and say, you know what, I'm I'm really feeling emotional today, that's typically a huge one because more often than not, we're like, I'm not even gonna open that conversation or dialogue up to anyone because I'm not okay with my emotions. But if you can actually start to identify your emotions, look at them for what they are, and see that they're not there to harm you, they're there to help, they're our superpowers, and if we let them be our superpowers, we're going to move through life a lot easier. And identifying the hardest ones for us. I know for me, embarrassment have always Historically been the hardest one for me. So for me, when I recognize that I did something that before I would have been humiliated and completely embarrassed about, but now I'm able to say, oh my gosh, I just did that. Can you believe I did that? And kind of laugh about it to myself or to someone I trust. Huge showing that we're working on bringing emotions in and allowing whatever to be to be safe and just there because it's always going to be there at some point. Remember, we have, if we don't get stuck in it, we have over 900 emotions in a 24-hour period of time. Yeah. I know that like for me, I would get terrified to express my emotions. And I would sit and over think about them and ruminate about them, and I would play different conversations in my mind. Like if I say this, then they could say X, Y, or Z, and I would have myself in like a panic before I would express something. And so oftentimes I didn't, but then even the times that I did, I'd be like shaky, nervous, yeah, and my voice, and I'd be shallow breath and stuff. And so I found that I've noticed for myself, like in my progress and how I'm seeing that I'm progressing, is that like I'm not as scared or I don't overthink about it as much and I don't ruminate for as long or whatever, like those little progress milestones for myself and my communication. Yeah, absolutely. Well, thank you, Shelie, for sharing and teaching us these essential tools for healthy and effective communication of our feelings. I know this will benefit our personal lives and strengthen the relationships we have with everyone in our lives. For more in-depth lessons and practical tools on building healthy communication habits, explore the courses and workbooks that are available on our website. At least three of them have full chapters dedicated to this topic because it's that important. As always, click the link below to give us your feedback on today's conversation. We love to hear your thoughts. We'll see you next time.