Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

Exploring the attachment styles is not about labeling, it is recognizing trauma-based self-protection strategies and bridging the gaps necessary to move toward a more healthy secure attachment. In this episode, we are discussing The Dismissive Avoidant attachment style; what characteristics are present, how someone may have developed that attachment, and really gaining an understanding of people who operate from this attachment base. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

The dismissive avoidance independence is often just a survival strategy, not a personal preference.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

I'm your host, Shalee. And I'm your co-host Sam. And you're listening to Pathway to Empowerment, where we believe in thriving, not surviving.

SPEAKER_02 0:20

People with this attachment style have an internal paradox, appearing cold and independent on the outside while actually being deeply terrified of intimacy and vulnerability. Shalee, will you describe to us what dismissive avoidance is?

SPEAKER_01 0:40

Yes. So the dismissive avoidant attachment is usually formed early in childhood as a defense mechanism. If caregivers are emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to their needs and often very critical or emotionally expressive, critical of their emotional express expression, that's when the child starts to form the dismissive avoidant attachment. They conclude that they can't rely on anyone, no one's safe, and the only way to get by is to completely suppress their emotions and just run on, basically becoming a blank slate.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

Okay. Yeah. What so what is the core fear driving dismissive avoidant behavior?

SPEAKER_01 1:42

So their core fear really is that they aren't good enough, or that the people that should love them can't. And so, or that they're too much. You hear that a lot in the last few years. Those are buzzwords that you hear often as I've been labeled as too much. And the reality is they're just emoting, right? But the people in their life aren't capable of seeing that and meeting them where they're at. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 2:16

What so what are the common childhood experiences of a dismissive avoidant individual that led them to prioritize self-reliance over connection?

SPEAKER_01 2:28

Well, some of their core traits go along with this, but it really is feeling like whatever they do is not ever going to be okay or good enough. And I know for me growing up, my generation, this and for several generations before, was that children should be seen and not heard. And so children were basically paraded out into a party, shown off, and then dismissed. And so that creates this feeling of I'm only good when I'm when I'm needed and and I need to not have any feelings or emotions. I just need to be like a puppet and play my part. So it creates this belief that emotions aren't good and I must shut them down in order to just have status quo. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 3:27

Why do people with this attachment style often struggle to identify or articulate their emotional needs?

SPEAKER_01 3:36

Because they've shut them down. And the thing that you have to understand about emotions is we don't get to pick and choose. We've talked about this in other episodes. We don't get to just like, today we're gonna let this emotion out, but we're gonna keep everyone else in. Today we're gonna let this one out and everyone else gets to stay in. We either stuff them all or we don't stuff any. And so when when you have a person that is trying to articulate their own emotions, they can't because they've they've learned how to create this this flat line. And so they can't allow emotions to blip up and through. We call these people emotionally inept, right? And so that that can be a big part of why.

SPEAKER_02 4:28

Okay. So what does conflict avoidance look like for a dismissive avoidant? And why do they tend to shut down?

SPEAKER_01 4:38

So if you think about if you think about conflict, what is conflict? Do you think people expressing emotions and people having an opinion and getting emotionally attached to that opinion? Yeah. And so if you're asking somebody that's shut down emotionally to then give you an opinion about an emotion, they're not gonna know how to do that. And they might the easiest thing usually for them to do is shut down or create a diversion. And how do we typically create a diversion when it's in a relationship? We blow the relationship up with anger or we blame something on someone. So they become emotional because we don't know how to get through it. I know a lot of times working with my husband who who really has struggled to allow his emotions to be okay and to be present. If I ask him a question that's an emotional question, he will take me in circles. He will ask a question instead of answer the question in order to give himself time enough to feel like is this safe to emote? Is this how do I get through this? So that's another way they they that people that have an ability to be dismissive navigate the world. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 6:05

How does deactivation work? What are some common subtle distancing strategies that a dismissive avoidant might use without even realizing it?

SPEAKER_01 6:18

Okay, so when we're when we're talking about some core traits first, let's go there first. So some of the core traits are hyper independence. So these are the people that don't need anyone.

SPEAKER_02 6:29

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

Okay, they're gonna do it all on their own. They dislike asking for help or being dependent for any reason, financial, spiritual, mentally, emotionally, anything. These people like to work by themselves for themselves so that they have to, they don't have to account to anyone. Okay. Okay. So then you have they they try to avoid intimacy because if you're intimate with someone, remember there's different types of intimacy, and the type of intimacy we're talking about here is into me, you see. So seeing into each other's eyes, sharing each other's souls, wishes, hopes, and dreams. And it can lead to the sexual intimacy as well, because that is also a place where we really allow our emotions to come forward. And if you're dismissive and you don't know how to emote, it can be really challenging and can be really scaring, scary. So again, like they suppress their emotions, like it is just status quo, straight line, not look up or down. And sometimes sometimes they are the people that don't have friends, or they have they have a lot of acquaintances, but not any real close friendships because they prefer to do things on their own.

SPEAKER_02 8:01

Keep people at bay.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

Yeah. So that's a big part of like what the the characteristics and things are. Now let's talk about how to address it, right? So one of the biggest things to addressing it is practicing vulnerability. And with that, the most important piece of that is to allow yourself to start with someone you trust and asking for small things so that you can learn to trust them, that they can they can show up for you and you can trust them with your feelings and emotions. Now, this is a long, drawn-out process usually. It's not something that's an easy overnight fix. They have to work on being really mindful about what they are feeling and sharing it when they are feeling it. Because remember, if they're dismissive, they've they've dismissed their feelings long enough that they struggle to actually allow them to come up for themselves. So can you imagine saying to someone who has for 30, 40 years not allowed themselves to feel anything and saying, hey, how do you like tell me what you feel about your grandchild? And that they're gonna be like, uh, now what do I say? Because I'm supposed to say all these things, and how do I get you to buy the fact that I'm feeling that when I don't even know what that feels like?

SPEAKER_02 9:26

Do you think they they realize when they're being like avoidant, like when they've just or is it automatic? Do they just distance automatically or do they notice that they are doing it?

SPEAKER_01 9:41

I think it comes in waves. I think that there's times when the dismissive avoidant actually knows that they can feel something rising and bubbling up, and so they push that aside and move through it. But I also think because they've practiced so long dismissing their emotions and dismissing other people's emotions, that they can sometimes move through something and not even recognize they're doing it. Okay. 100%.

SPEAKER_02 10:13

How does a dismissive avoidance person's nervous system react when they feel too close to somebody?

SPEAKER_01 10:22

So again, if they're if they're feeling too close to someone, a lot of times they'll push them away and pretend like everything or anything that person says or does is just whatever, right? These are these can be types of people where you see the the partner of them being like, well, I'm gonna leave if you don't love me, hoping that that person's gonna be like, no, I do stay, I need you. And they're like, okay. And and then it it devastates that person and it devastates the the dismissive avoidant person as well, because they don't know how to navigate a relationship that's a give and take with emotions. They they stay under the radar and that's safe. They can see emotions in other people. It becomes scary for them to actually allow themselves to emote in a lot of situations.

SPEAKER_02 11:17

So that closeness, their nervous system almost like has alarm bells like this isn't this isn't safe to be close.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

Well, again, they've practiced it so much that it becomes really devastating for them to figure out how to navigate that.

SPEAKER_02 11:39

So can you differentiate between someone who has a dismissive avoidant attachment style and someone who just isn't interested?

SPEAKER_01 11:51

So the person that isn't interested will be able to emote the reasons why. The the dismissive avoidant person probably can't give you an emotional reason why. Like it's just because I don't know, I just I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Or they'll say things like, Well, I just don't love you anymore.

SPEAKER_02 12:15

Okay. How do they typically feel during the honeymoon phase of a relationship versus when a relationship becomes serious?

SPEAKER_01 12:28

So you have to remember that the honeymoon phase is not necessarily an emotional reaction for them as much as it is physical reaction. So your physical feelings of biological attraction. Does that make sense? So it's not and I feel I feel so close to you because I have similar interests, and I'm close to you because I love you for who you are, and I love who you are for me. It's more often rooted in I'm attracted sexually to you or physically to who you are, not emotionally who you are. Interesting.

SPEAKER_02 13:14

What is the missing experience, dismissive avoidant needs, in order to feel safe enough to open up and be vulnerable?

SPEAKER_01 13:24

So the problem with defining that one is this person needs to really dial into if they're willing and able to allow emotions to move up and through them again. So that's gonna take a lot of time and practice in therapy, having having a therapist work with them very slowly to even identify what emotions are, let alone understanding that they're feeling them. Because a lot of times, I mean, think about think about the first time that you ever ate something sweet, like and it became your favorite thing, right? Why did it become your favorite thing? Because you tried tried it the first time, it tasted good, and you repeatedly tried it again. That same type of thing needs to happen with our emotions. We need to go, oh, this isn't so bad, I can do it again and again. And so then we're able to know that it's safe to emote those things without hiding them again, that the world around us isn't going to react the way the person that created this for us did.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 14:46

And so it can take a long time to get to that place.

SPEAKER_02 14:50

Yeah. Well, what are the biggest misconceptions that people have about dismissive avoidant individuals?

SPEAKER_01 14:59

I think one of the biggest things is that they don't believe that this person is capable of feeling. Instead of understanding that this person has felt so much so deeply that it wasn't okay to feel. And so they've shut it down so that they stay safe. And so a lot of times we'll when you meet somebody that has been in a relationship with somebody that's dismissive, avoidant, they'll be like, but I can never get super close to them because as soon as I got started getting close, they'd be like, I'm done with this, I'm out. Or or put them in the friend zone. Or, you know, create a diversion so that they don't feel deeply. The reality is it's because they're fearful that they will actually that Pandora's box will open up and emotions will bleed all over the place and then they won't be safe.

SPEAKER_02 16:00

Gotcha, that makes sense. Understanding dismissive avoidant attachment on a deep level is not about labeling or blaming, but rather recognizing a trauma-based, self-protective strategy. By acknowledging that their independence stems from a learned, long-standing fear of vulnerability, individuals can foster the empathy necessary to bridge gaps, whether working toward a secure attachment themselves or navigating relationships with a dismissive avoidance. This awareness transforms frustration into intentional, gentle communication, cultivating the patients needed to build safe emotional space where they can thrive rather than flee. Share your thoughts about today's conversation by clicking the link below and tune in on Friday for our chat about the fearful avoidant attachment style.

SPEAKER_01 17:01

We'll see you next time.