Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

In this episode we talk about how the fearful avoidant toggles between polar opposites, they simultaneously possess the highest anxiety of abandonment and the highest avoidance of intimacy, creating a vicious push-pull cycle. We talk about how someone develops this attachment style, as well as how they tend to operate within relationships and the self-sabotage they encounter along the way. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Do you know someone who may subconsciously be attracted to emotionally unavailable or dysfunctional partners because that turmoil feels more familiar and safe than genuine healthy love? That person may have a fearful avoidant attachment style.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

I'm your host, Shalee. And I'm your co-host, Sam. And you're listening to Pathway to Empowerment, where we believe in thriving, not surviving.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Today we're going to talk about how fearful avoidance toggle between polar opposites. They simultaneously possess the highest anxiety of abandonment and the highest avoidance of intimacy, thus creating a vicious push-pull cycle. Shale, can you start us off with what fearful avoidance is?

SPEAKER_00 0:55

Absolutely. So if we think about fearful avoidant attachment style, it's often called disorganized attachment. And that's where we have a racial relational pattern where an individual deeply craves love and intimacy, but simultaneously fears it. So I want desperately to be in love, but I'm fearful I'll be rejected. I'm fearful they won't love me. I'm fearful I can't be enough. Yeah. And it's driven by a mix of intense desire for that closeness, like we were just talking about, and the fear of being abandoned or betrayed.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

And how does that specifically create the fearful avoidant attachment style?

SPEAKER_00 1:52

So the whole thing with the fright without solution is it typically stems from a trauma-based attachment with the inconsistencies or the unpredictable caregiving of the primary caregiver or someone really close to that person. And so it creates mixed signals for this person. So they fear there they have they don't know how to connect without the fear of something bad happening because of that inconsistency or the unpredictability of that person as a caregiver.

SPEAKER_01 2:43

Always waiting for the floor to fall out from under you. Is that the saying?

SPEAKER_00 2:49

It's basically that waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of feeling. Yeah.

unknown 2:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

In fact, I have a story about that. I had had a person that that I knew lived close to my parents, and their child had done something that I felt was really dangerous. So I debated and debated because I knew the the mother was very unstable and unpredictable. But I just needed to know that this child wouldn't do that same thing because it was dangerous for the child. It could have been deadly for the child, and it could have been destructive for my grandparents who who lived there, right? So I went and I told the the mother, and she picked up a shoe and hit her kid, and her kid just stood there. And that's when like you start seeing that fright without a solution, right? Like I don't know what to do. I if I leave, I'm gonna be in trouble. So if I stay, I'm gonna be in trouble, which is worse. Does that make sense? So it is about like how do I how do I navigate this? And if this person that's supposed to love me the very most in my life is doing this to me, this must be what relationships look like.

SPEAKER_01 4:18

Gotcha. Beyond early childhood, what types of trauma or broken trust in adult relationships can cause a person to develop fearful avoidant tendencies later in life?

SPEAKER_00 4:34

So with relationships, you've got to look at, again, like if you grow up with a parent that is indecisive or unable to show you attention and affection in a positive, healthy way, and you don't know if if this is gonna like there's another statement that says, I'm jumping from the frying frying pan into the fire. Have you ever heard that statement? So basically saying it's hot in the frying pan, but I'm gonna jump out of the frying pan into the fire because I feel like it's safer. So the same thing can be true in these relationships. We get into these relationships as a way to feel like we can navigate in a better in a better way, right? The fight without solution, even, and yet it creates more problems than it solves. So then we're we're trying we're always trying to fix things, we're always trying to to do things a little bit differently in order to create a better outcome for ourselves. So when you when you have one relationship that starts it, you will tend to again try to fix it through every other relationship or feel like this is the only relationship that you're worthy of. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_01 6:09

Yeah, it does. Sad, but it does. Is the core fear primarily about being harmed by others, or is it a deep-seated belief that they're inherently unlovable? Like what's the primary fear with fearful avoidance?

SPEAKER_00 6:30

So the reality with that, it it really is a fear that the people that they depend on are going to hurt them, but it also can be that they feel unlovable because these people, this person that should love them is hurtful to them. So it can go back and forth. It's not it's not a clear defined answer.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

Okay. How does the nervous system's fight or flight response become rewired in fearful avoidance to make intimacy feel threatening?

SPEAKER_00 7:18

So this is the interesting part. When when you have a fearful avoidance attached person, they actually these these people can get into relationships that create dysfunctional sexual relationships. I mean, we we hear a lot about people that have fetishes and need to be hurt during a sexual encounter for them to feel any sort of passion or love. And sometimes that can be a result of being a fearful, avoidant, attached person because they they feel like that's the only way they can allow themselves to feel safe enough in in an intimate relationship. And at the same time, there's still a part of them that really, really, truly desires a normal loving relationship, so they but they don't feel like they're worthy of it.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

How does a fearful avoidance fear of abandonment coexist with their fear of engulfment? And how does this paradox show up in their behaviors?

SPEAKER_00 8:50

So when you think about the abandonment piece, they'll do if we go back to the story I just told you about this this child that did something, they were so reticent with their parent that they would have done anything in order to be forgiven and moved, even standing there getting whacked with the shoe. I mean, I got to the point where I was like, and this was in the 80s, we we we we really minded our own business. So I didn't call the police, but in my head, I'm like, what do I do to make this lady stop hitting this kid? Like it was horrible. Take her shoe off and start hitting her child.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

And so when that abandonment is present, it can just it can it can be there. And the relationship dynamics are such that they need they need to prove themselves above and beyond to their partner so that that you know they are loved, they are okay, they are enough, they are going to be enough in some aspects, but then again, they want to pull back because they don't they don't know at what point is too much too much, and they're gonna get hurt, and that that's that switch will flip, right? And it will go from being what the person wants to getting hurt again. So in that paradox of I I need to I need to salvage things so that you you love me and won't abandon me, but I have to play it just enough so that you don't flip and hurt me. It's sad, huh?

SPEAKER_01 10:54

Yeah, very much. What are the most common emotional triggers besides commitment that cause a fearful avoidance to shut down or deactivate?

SPEAKER_00 11:06

So that push-pull that we've talked about is a big one. Pull your partner close, push them away. When they're when they're so they want the reassurance, but they want to make sure that they're not going to have that flip and have the mean mean piece of it, right? And then there's also like that fear of rejection and betrayal. That's a big, big trigger that can come up when they when they are worried that like they've disappointed their person or they haven't been enough for their person, or they may abandon them. So that's another big one. And they really they really don't know how to create an emotional stability within a relationship. So emotions can be very, very triggering because again, they've seen emotions go from high to low.

SPEAKER_02 12:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:15

And don't know how to navigate themselves the being vulnerable without the fear of the emotional outbursts.

SPEAKER_01 12:27

So they don't know how to find the balance piece.

SPEAKER_00 12:31

They get a lot of mixed, you'll get a lot of mixed signals from people in their relationships because they again they're trying to figure out what you need from them. So they're they might flip that switch and be one way, and then you're like, wait a minute, what what just happened? They do a lot of self-sabotaging because of that. In order to please you, they'll they'll you know, they'll they'll do things and then they'll they'll be fearful, so they'll self-sabotage so that they get out of the relationship before you end it, type of thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:11

How does the push-pull dynamic manifest in daily relationship conflicts? And what does it look like when they sabotage intimacy?

SPEAKER_00 13:25

Well, as far as the push-pull in like the the relationship dynamic, it again, they're going to they're going to like try to figure out so there's that lot of inconsistencies. So you're getting a lot of mixed signals. One one minute you're doing something and they love it, so they they feel good, you feel good, and then they get fearful that they're gonna they're gonna get attacked, they're gonna be used, they're gonna be abused. So you see where it's like, what just happened? Why one minute were you saying that you want me to be here with you? And the next minute you're saying, I can't stand you, leave, get away from me. And that that can create that it it's it's really about abandonment for them and also a fear of being hurt, right? And so they will sabotage intimacy that way so they feel like they are in control and can stay safe emotionally.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

Gotcha. What is the underlying internal narrative when they pull away after a moment of high intimacy?

SPEAKER_00 14:44

Again, they're fearful that this this might the other shoe will drop theory. So if I've just given given all I have and and opened myself up to vulnerability, now I'm probably gonna have to shut that door on it because if I don't shut that door, what if you've hurt me? What if you what if you can't sustain what we just did? I can't sustain life if you can't sustain it. So that need to like retract and do something different is very, very difficult.

SPEAKER_01 15:20

So it's almost like, let me push you away before you push me away. Absolutely. Okay, yeah. How does a fearful avoidance confuse high anxiety in relationships with passion? How can they learn the difference between the two?

SPEAKER_00 15:40

So again, like the hard part with this is they they are really they really struggle to get the signals correct because their whole life they've got mixed signals. So they give mixed signals. So when you're giving them mixed signals, they don't know whether that's genuine passion or whether this is just a climax to the the hurt and pain that will be coming down. Now, how do they how do they get to a place where they can distinguish between the two? Lots and lots and lots of therapy and work. Is there modality of therapy that works best for that? Well, again, modalities, we have to be really careful with modalities because it what might really work really well for some is not a sure fix for everyone. So we we need to be well versed in a lot of different things to see which one works for each person. Okay. Now, are there some that might be easier to navigate and control and manage for it? There are a few, one of those being DBT. Because DBT is all about helping them learn skills, how to navigate personal relationships and emotions and those types of things. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 17:15

How can I distinguish between genuine intuition that a relationship is unhealthy versus a fearful avoidant trigger of fear?

SPEAKER_00 17:25

Again, like that's gonna take a lot of work to understand your personal triggers and your personal pieces that came from how you attached to the people in your life in that fearful avoidant way. So there's not really a one answer fits all there. So you have to do a lot of work internally to get to a place where you understand you. Now, is that easy? And do most people want to do it? No, because it does take a lot of self-reflection, it does take a lot of fear to step through and walk a different path when you when you have some of these difficult attachment styles.

SPEAKER_01 18:10

Okay. Yeah, discovering yourself is like a non-stop thing. What are the most effective somatic or body-based exercises that a fearful avoidant can use to calm their nervous system when they do feel the urge to run away from their relationships?

SPEAKER_00 18:35

So, one of the most important things to understand about the the some the soma or body reactions is that when when you have a situation with an attachment style that's not secure, so anything other than secure, your trauma response center is activated in in whatever whatever way it's gonna show up for you. When that trauma response center is activated, we've got several things that we've got to do in order to get to a safe place to be able to do something different. Because when our trauma response center is activated, our cognitive ability to do anything different is diminished, it's done. When our trauma response center is activated, our cognitive brain shuts off. So there's no new learning taking place. We just move on sheer response, right? Whether it's bike, flight, freeze, fun.

SPEAKER_01 19:37

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

And so getting to understand that for you as well as like what helps you get back to a state of grounded being and where your cognitive brain will then come back into working order. One of the greatest things to get you to a place before you hit that switch to a trauma response is a DVT kit skill called willing hands. And when you implement the willing hands skill, it won't allow your body to activate the trauma response. So then you can breathe through it, your cognitive brain stays engaged, and you can navigate through things a lot better and easier.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:27

But grounding skills are great as well. Breathing skills are great as well.

SPEAKER_01 20:32

Okay. And we have past episodes where we've covered each of those things. We have an episode on triggers, if you want to go back and look, or grounding techniques. Absolutely. So those would be good to utilize. Well, thank you, Shelley, for that information. Gaining a deep understanding of your fearful avoidant attachment empowers you to break through the cycle of self-criticism and erratic relational patterns by turning unconscious, fear-driven reactions into conscious, secure choices. By recognizing your triggers and childhood roots, you can cultivate self-compassion, communicate boundaries clearly, and practice consistent emotional regulation, allowing you to gradually build trust, intimacy, and healthier, more stable connections with yourself and others. Be sure to join us on Monday as we explore what secure attachment styles look like. We'll see you next time.