Secure Attachment Style

Having a secure attachment style is about having a nervous system that knows how to return to calm. Understanding what secure attachment is, is an essential piece of building healthy relationships and living a healthy, happy life. In this episode we discuss what secure attachment is, what it looks like, and how you can work toward security. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Secure attachment is about having a nervous system that knows how to return to calm, making it the ultimate superpower.

SPEAKER_00 0:08

I'm your host Shalee, and I'm your co-host Sam. And you're listening to Pathway to Empowerment, where we believe in thriving, not surviving.

SPEAKER_01 0:19

Understanding secure attachment is essential for building healthy relationships as it serves as a blueprint for trust, emotional regulation, and effective communication. Today we're going to be discussing the ins and outs of secure attachment style. So, Shalee, can you start us off with what is a secure attachment?

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Well, a secure attachment is the ability to trust other people, to trust that they are going to navigate and help you with your emotional intimacy, with the balance of dependence and independence, and healthy relationship building. So in a nutshell, that's what the speaker attached to.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

You have this innate feeling that like people are good and going to have your best interest in mind?

SPEAKER_00 1:12

Well, and they have a really positive self-esteem. So they're really, really able to communicate their needs well and trust that those needs are going to be met.

SPEAKER_01 1:23

Okay. What specifically does a caregiver do to foster a secure attachment in the child they're raising?

SPEAKER_00 1:33

So what do they do specifically? They help, they help the child like learn that they can emote, that they're going to be there for them. And to do this, like one of the things that I teach parents when they have a child that like really struggles to sleep, right? As all little ones do when they're first sleep training. That going in, hugging them, giving a you know, doing the sweet night, good night, we love you, put them down, pat them, and then exit the room. Right. And then when they cry, you go away, you go back in, you do not talk to them, you just pat them, and then you leave again. And if it it might take a couple of times, but each time you don't speak to them, you just go in, pat them, and then go back out, which shows the child that you're not abandoning them, that you're there for them, but that they can actually soothe themselves to sleep. So they build that secure belief that when they have a need, their need is going to be met.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

Does that make sense? So they they build, they build within these children an effective belief that when they have a need, it will be met, that they can communicate those needs and ha and be listened to, right? That comfort and and intimacy can be like those hugs and those things that we need as children can be given and will be given and accepted. You know, both ways, but it also helps them these parents or caregivers help foster a healthy independence, right? Go play. I'm sit, I'll sit right here, you go have fun. You can wave to me from across the room. I'm gonna, I'm gonna enjoy this entertainment over here, but you're good, you're good, I'll be right here. So they foster that belief that again, they're safe, they're okay, they can explore and be okay. They also can help them, you know, show that they conflict isn't a bad thing. Because, you know, a lot of times people grow up believing that conflict is bad. Like if I if I have a conflict with someone, that meet that that might be devastating. It might mean that person's gonna leave me. And, you know, then when we look at it, we we look at those people that have secure attachments typically have really good self-esteem.

SPEAKER_01 4:17

Interesting. What is the role of consistency? Like you just said, in a caregiver's response versus perfection. I know we all kind of like expect to be perfect, or if we make mistakes, then we're gonna mess up our child or whatever. So, what is consistency versus perfection, which is more important?

SPEAKER_00 4:42

So we have to remember, Sam, that consistency just allows us to see that the person's gonna show up for us, the person's gonna be there, the person's going to take care of our basic needs. Now, it doesn't mean that you're always going to get you get what you want, but if it's a basic need, food, shelter, hugs, right? Those things are gonna be met. Those things that child doesn't have to worry about. It doesn't that child doesn't have to worry about being homeless. That child doesn't have to worry about whether they have food or whether they have clothes or whether they have a parent that's gonna show up and love them and be there for them. So that consistency over time proves to this child that they are going to be taken care of. Now, if we look at perfection, when we have perfectionism that shows up, there's this belief that I'm not good enough unless I'm perfect. So, unless I do absolutely everything you need and want me to, you're you might leave me, you might not give me food, you might not give me shelter, you might not give me hugs, I might not be able to withstand or or have all our our basic needs. And when we look at our basic needs, we we typically go back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, right? Where the base is just food and shelter and the you know comfort.

SPEAKER_01 6:13

So a parent that most of the time does the right thing, comforts the child, and then every so often has a time where they snap at them or say not right now or don't have the patience.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

That's not going to be That's not gonna damage the spirit accident.

SPEAKER_01 6:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 6:33

No, that's not gonna that's not going to because we're all human and we're all going to be caught at a certain time where we might, we might not be regulated very well. And the what happens if if we if we have that snap where we're not regulated, if that child is a secure attached child, they don't take it personally. They don't own that you just snapped and that you're not going to be there for them anymore. It just shows them that oof, you know.

SPEAKER_01 7:04

Maybe she's having a bad day.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

Yeah, I'll I'll check back. Yeah. But she's they probably do that because mom and dad go to them and say, I'm so sorry I did that. It was about me, it wasn't anything you did. So again, reinforcing that that secure attachment is there and that they love you and they'll care for you and they'll take care of you. Perfectionism often leads to a lot of the mental health disorders that we see. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

How do secure individuals describe their childhood memories and relationships with their caregivers and parents?

SPEAKER_00 7:40

Well, you know, the interesting thing is that more often than not, people that come from a secure base, they have lots of vivid memories. They can tell you like many, many different pleasant, as well as like, you know, oh my gosh, I had the most embarrassing thing happened to me. But when they tell that, oh my gosh, I've had the most embarrassing thing happen to me, it's not out of a shame state. It's a it's out of a I lived through this thing and it now I look back and it's funny. Instead of instead of a lot of times with other attachment styles, they might look back and be so shamed of that embarrassment moment that they that becomes a dark cloud over their life and nobody will hear of it or know of it. And so with secure attached people, they can remember a lot of things in their childhood, they can place people and situations and events, both both positive as well as negative, without derailing who they are because their sense of self is secure. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:53

Is secure attachment about never feeling jealousy or abandonment fear, or is it about how you handle those emotions?

SPEAKER_00 9:04

So I think that there's times in our life, no matter what type of attachment style you have, that we have some of those feelings. Yeah. Because every situation may be something we haven't even seen our parents or or any of our loved ones go through. So if we're going through something for the very first time and we don't know how to handle it, we're going to come at it a different way emotionally. And then it looking back, we might look and go, oh, I can't believe I was jealous. I wonder what that was about. And they're going to be able to self-reflect enough to be able to look at it and go, I want to do that again. That didn't feel good. And and challenge and change it because they're secure in themselves, they're secure that they are lovable, that they that they have people that will support them throughout whatever they they're going through. But it just might mean that they didn't have an example or something to look at to navigate that event or situation. Does that make sense? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 10:11

Yes, it does. What are the most common yet overlooked behaviors of a securely attached individual?

SPEAKER_00 10:20

Well, I think that a lot of times when we're thinking about overlooked behaviors is maybe that they they still have somewhat like they they can have uh a dip in their self-esteem occasionally, but sometimes we we address them as as that high sense of self, and that if it dips, we go, oh, what's going on? You're a secure attached person. What have what's going on with you right now? And again, if we look at what we just talked about, they may be going through a situation that they don't know how to navigate. And so every single one of us has a dip in our self-esteem if we've never experienced something before. Does that make sense? So a big sense of being able to see where we're at emotionally and assigning them almost like a you know uh a sense of being on a on a pedestal. And we we never want to put anybody on that pedestal because we'll all fall. Because we all all do have those dips and peaks and valleys in our life. And so even though you're a secure-based person, you're still going to have some of those those moments where it doesn't look like people think it should. Does that make sense? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:51

Is it so? Would this fall under like there's always like siblings that let's say one does well and one struggles, and so nobody checks on the one that does well. Is that kind of the scenario?

SPEAKER_00 12:09

Yes. And in fact, you know, we say a lot of times in life, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, right? So you can have parents that are like, oh, Michael's good. You never have to worry about Michael. He's strong, he's intelligent, he's good. And sometimes Michael might be struggling, right? He might need that extra hand because he's never gone through the situation and he doesn't know how to navigate it. And you know, sometimes when that happens, even the most secure person can struggle knowing how to reach out for help, especially if there's like that, oh, don't worry about Michael, he'll figure it out.

SPEAKER_01 12:50

Yeah. Yeah. Don't need to check on him because he's fine.

SPEAKER_00 12:55

But most of the time, Michael will come and say, I don't know how to figure this out. Can you help me? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:01

What are the physiological differences in a secure person's stress response compared to an insecure person's stress response?

SPEAKER_00 13:11

So that's an interesting fact because when you have a person that comes from a secure base, you can still, like we've just been talking about, you can have something that happens that creates stress and anxiety for that person. But it it's like a blip. So it it comes, it can come in strong and then go out just as strong. It can come in weak, linger for a little while and then go out. So it just depends on what the situation or how it looks for that secure attached person versus an insecure person, it's gonna, it it's almost like a dark cloud that won't leave. It just kind of hovers. And so when you have a secure attached person, it's just a it's just a very short blip.

SPEAKER_02 13:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 13:59

And then they move past it, move on, and and seem to be able to just ride the waves really easily. Versus an insecure attached person, they might have a complete meltdown and don't know how to get out of that cycle.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

Yeah. Okay. What does emotional regulation actually look and feel like for someone with a secure attachment style?

SPEAKER_00 14:24

So again, like if you have a person that typically rides the wave of security, when when there comes a point when they're like, oh my gosh, like my let's just say they're in school, right? I'm at the last quarter, and if I don't pass this test, am I gonna pass this class? And that might be a fear for, you know, half an hour or so, and then they're like, I got this, I know how to do this, I've done my work, I've done all the things, and I'm good to go. I can identify that I have a little fear about it, but I'm gonna do this and it'll be fine. Where another person that's not so secure would spin in that more. And so the ability to just re notice the dysregulation, because one of the things you have to remember is that we're all, no matter what attachment style we have, we're all going to get dysregulated. All of us do. And it's it's not about dysregulation that's the problem, it's about noticing the dysregulation and then acknowledging why you have it and then allowing it to move through you.

SPEAKER_01 15:42

Okay. How do you distinguish between genuine secure attachment and the pseudo-security avoidant tendencies disguised as independence?

SPEAKER_00 15:57

So a lot of times people can wear a mask of that, you know, fake bravada, but it slips. They can't hold on to it very, very long. Where a secure attached person, it they might slip and you might go, oh, maybe this is a mask that they're wearing, but if the bounce back is so so evenly spaced that it's like, oh, that's not a mask. Where where the bravada will actually take, and that person can't bring it back up to that mask space any longer. So it it it's just about being in that place with that person for a period of time and watching how they act and interact with themselves and others.

SPEAKER_01 16:50

Can that disguised thing last for like long periods of time?

SPEAKER_00 16:57

So it can, it can. And there's also those those moments where if you're watching and if you know, if you're around that person, you'll start to see the slips that they make and that they'll catch themselves and bring it back to a level. But if you're if you're around them long term, you're gonna start seeing that mask fall. And you're gonna see that like they can't, like, if you were to spend like a 24 hour, 48 hours, 72 hours with that person, you're gonna see that mask fall because they can't maintain it in inevitably.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

Gotcha. Okay. How does a secure person differ from someone with anxious or avoidant attachment, specifically when dealing with conflicts, whether the conflict be with a parent, a friend, a coworker, or a romantic partner?

SPEAKER_00 17:55

Well, the biggest difference there is that the emotional connectedness to whatever the situation or problem is, can be compromised with the other person a lot of the times and a lot more readily. So for instance, if if a secure attached person is having a conflict with someone, doesn't matter, any of those people we just talked about, whether it's a a sibling, a coworker, a friend, parent, a grandparent, re romantic partner, they're going to be able to go, tell me your side. Tell me why you're so attached to your point of view. I'd like to know. Instead of being like, this is it, this is mine, and you're you can't step over it because it it threatens me. And so they're more able and confident in their ability to go. This is what I believe in. And now don't hear me say they they don't get passionate about their position in some instances. They're just also willing to go. So this is my point of view. And I'm kind of stuck in it. Tell me what yours is, and we can have this back and forth without it revealing who I am as a person, without it being that you are you are attacking me personally, yeah, versus what I might believe in.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

That makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 19:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

How do secure individuals set and respect boundaries without feeling guilty or rejected? That's a big because I know with with boundaries specifically, insecure attachments people tend to have a hard time with boundaries, don't they?

SPEAKER_00 19:53

All attachment styles can have problems setting and keeping boundaries. But if you have a secure attached person setting a key uh a boundary, they're more confident in their ability to set it and keep it. So they can be like, oh, yeah, that's a little scary because I don't know how this person's gonna act or react to it, but I'm worth it. So if this is important to me, because a boundary, you have to remember a boundary is not for the other person, it's for you. So if I set a boundary, like I don't want certain people to hug me, then that's a boundary. And no matter how much somebody pushes, I'm not going to I'm like, I don't care if you don't like it. This is my boundary. So you can have your feelings hurt, and I'm sorry for you. Like, go go hug that person over there. They love to hug. If you need a hug, they'll hug you, but it's not gonna be me. Yeah, does that make sense? So they're they're not willing to compromise their values because they have that really good self-sense of value. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 21:02

How do they typically handle the balance between independence and intimacy?

SPEAKER_00 21:08

So it's very interesting with secure attached people because they want you to experience independence. They they don't need to hold on to you to feel safe. So they encourage you just like they were encouraged as a little child. Go explore, go have fun with your friends, enjoy your enjoy your night. I'll be here when you get back. Like you don't have to worry about me. I've I got something to do tonight anyway. I want you to have fun. And then come and tell me all about it. So it looks that way. It's not, well, I guess, I guess you can go do that. Yeah. Does that make sense? I'm gonna make you pay afterwards. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 21:56

How does a secure person handle break? Or the end of a long-term relationship.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

Well, I mean, there's still gonna be a lot of sadness and there's gonna be some grief that they have to process through. They also know that they'll be okay and that they just need to rebalance themselves to see their where they're headed next. So they're they're gonna still take time to heal from that, the pain of losing someone. So they might not get into like a rebound relationship. More often than not, they're not gonna do that because they're gonna take time to actually look at what their feelings and emotions are, or what they could do better next time. You know, look at what they did great, look at what they needed to work on, and then be ready to implement something different down the road instead of that rebound relationship because I need somebody to make me feel better.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

Self-reflection time. How can I tell if my own attachment style is becoming more secure?

SPEAKER_00 23:09

So, some of the things we've just talked about, what's your self-esteem? What is your ability to have an interdependent relationship versus a codependent relationship? Can you stand on your own two feet in a relationship where you don't need that person to feel safe, secure, and loved? So that's a big one. Also, can you resolve conflict by looking at both sides and being okay with saying, you know what, I'm mad, and it's okay that I'm mad right now, but I'll get over it because I love this person and it's not going to change the way I look at them or see them. I'm just, I'm just feeling the feels right now. So identifying the ability for them to, you know, move through this regulation to regulated states, their self-im self-worth and self-importance, you know, allowing an interdependent relationship, all of those help us see if if we're moving towards more secure attachment. Okay, perfect.

SPEAKER_01 24:16

Thank you, Shalee.

SPEAKER_00 24:18

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 24:19

By learning the behaviors of securely attached individuals, such as balanced independence, effective conflict resolution, and high self-esteem, you can evaluate your own patterns and actively cultivate a secure base within yourself. Recognizing that attachment styles are not fixed or rigid, but malleable allows you to consciously shift from reactive patterns toward a more secure, balanced, and resilient way of connecting with others. Now that we have looked more in depth into each of the attachment styles, next time we're going to explore how your attachment style affects your relationships, so you won't want to miss it.

SPEAKER_00 25:04

We'll see you next time.