How Attachment Styles Affect Relationships

Your attachment style plays a huge role in the way you function within the relationships of your life. In this episode we discuss how attachment styles affect our relationships.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Research shows that secure attachment is the single best predictor of lasting relationship satisfaction. It's essentially the unstoppable setting for love.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

I'm your host, Ali, and I'm your co-host, Sam. And you're listening to Pathway to Empowerment, where we believe in thriving, not surviving.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

Your attachment style acts as a blueprint for your relationships, profoundly shaping how you behave, communicate, and navigate intimacy. Today we're going to be diving into how your attachment style can affect your relationships. So let's get into the good, the bad, and the ugly. Shalee, can people with insecure attachment styles have a healthy relationship?

SPEAKER_01 0:50

So the quick answer to that is yes. They absolutely can have a healthy relationship. Now, achieving this requires some things. It requires some self-awareness of where they're at with their growth and their ability to move towards a secure attachment. They need to work on their communication styles so that they can regulate themselves and learn how to modulate and regulate when they're having difficulty and conflict. They have to be really, really intentional in managing the triggers that pop up for them in their relationships, such as jealousy or you know, those those types of things. And really like looking at who they are personality-wise and who their partner is personality-wise, and the patterns that help them move towards that secure attachment.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Okay. What about with like misaligned attachments with partners? So like one's an one's a secure and one's an insecure, or one's anxious and one's avoidant.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

The same thing is true. As long as you are capable and able of doing some self-reflection and working on those pieces that you personally know about yourself that can be problematic in a relationship, you can work together to avoid some of those pitfalls. Now, that's the most important piece of it, though, is both of you have to be willing to look at things and work on them in unison so that you can continue the healthy patterns that are beneficial in the relationship.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Okay, perfect. How can an anxiously attached person and an avoidant person build functional, lasting relationships? Do they have to have a therapist involved to help them manage?

SPEAKER_01 2:54

So the reality is, yes, they can do it. Again, it is it's going to be very problematic when they're first getting together and when they're first navigating things, but with through the help of couples counseling and skill building and working also individually, they can manage to move towards more of a secure attached base so that they they can navigate a healthier relationship. But you have to remember that like that's going to take a lot of time, a lot of patience, and both partners have to be willing to do the work necessary in order for that longevity to be functional and healthy, which a lot of times they're not. Like one person will give up or give in because it's a lot of work. And I I often hear relationships should not be this hard. But relationships are hard because even if you're a secure attached person and you're with a secure attached person, you have so many life ups and downs as you navigate a long-term relationship that you have to weather your own personal storm and the relational storm and be able to talk through it and move through it together. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

For those who are dating and want a relationship with a securely attached person, what are some behavioral indicators of somebody that's secure versus insecure attachment styles?

SPEAKER_01 4:32

So again, like when we think about a secure attached person, they're highly confident. How can they be so confident in who they are? And it's because they don't have any fear that there aren't going to be anybody that loves them within the room. And even if nobody loves them in that room, they know that other people do.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:05

So that's a big one. Another one, like we've talked about in past episodes, is that they're able to navigate communication in a way that allows both people to have a right and be able to validate what the other person's saying without actually like discrediting themselves and saying they're wrong and the other person is right. Because we can both be right in our belief systems, and both and neither one of us can be factually correct. Does that make sense? So our truth can be our truth. It might not necessarily be factual, and a secure attached person can look at that and go, Oh, I need to climb down off this high horse for a minute, I'll get back to you. Right? And and so we can see that, and we where we kind of gravitate towards those people. Conflict doesn't scare them, conflict is just a way of talking back and forth about your views and my views without getting completely derailed in who I am. So the ability to like form relationships with all types of people within the room is also something that typically happens with a secure attached person. And people, again, people are gonna gravitate towards that because we all feel better when when we feel like we're seen and heard.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

What are common puzzling or self-destructive behaviors that people exhibit in relationships and what do they signal about their attachment style?

SPEAKER_01 6:48

So there's a lot of self-destructive behaviors, especially when you're first learning relationships. If you think about teenage relationships and how volatile they can be, like, like I know I have a 14-year-old right now, and she's like, Oh, I love this guy, he's so cute and he's so fun. Not love. I like this guy and he's so amazing. And then like two days later, she's like, I lost feelings. And now I like this guy. And so that's a secure attached person. It's it's about being able to go, you know, I can move on and they can move on, and I'm happy for them. But insecure attached person or a self-destructive would be I have to be in this relationship, and if not, maybe I need to hurt myself or hurt them in order to gain the sympathy, and then maybe they'll stay with me. That's a really big one that we see often when when you when you have that volatile self-destructive piece. It can be very much like, I don't want you talking to anyone else. You if you're with me, you can only be with me. Those types of controlling behaviors start to show up. There's a lot of self-destructive things that we need to watch out for in relationships, and sometimes they are just part of the attachment style, but sometimes they become even more about a disorder or you know, a mental health piece too. So we have to be really careful that we're not just characterizing attachment styles here as the problem for self-destructive behaviors, that we'll we're also looking at there's probably some underlying mental health pieces as well.

SPEAKER_00 8:44

Okay. Why do I keep choosing the same type of partner even when I know it's not working?

SPEAKER_01 8:52

So again, when when when we're trying to figure out how to be in a relationship, more often than not, we're trying to heal some of those things that we've seen ourselves do in past relationships. And so we tend we tend to pick the same type of person. So the face changes, but the behaviors don't. So we're trying to heal that piece of of something where our our system is trying to to heal and navigate and do differently, but we might not notice that for several relationships, and and we might not notice that someone else might point it out to us. Hey, are you noticing that you're picking the same person over and over again? And at first, we usually get defensive and say, no, not, and then only reflect and go, Holy crap, I am picking the same type of person. Features might change, behaviors will show up. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 9:58

How does attachment style explain why I might self-sabotage in relationships?

SPEAKER_01 10:05

So if I come from any of the attachment styles, with the exception most often of secure, I might need to sabotage things in order for me to feel safe. So if I start getting to a place where I'm getting really close to this person, and the next step is like committed relationship, and I haven't worked through an abandonment piece, or I might not feel any more worthy of that person, or I might feel that you know I need to like shut all emotions down so that they don't see that I like them as much as as I do because that doesn't feel safe for me. I might sabotage the relationship so that I don't have to allow them to see any of those insecure pieces. So we're we're we tend to like self-sabotage in order to in a this belief that it will keep us safe. When it doesn't, we're still gonna get our feelings hurt, we're still going to revolve, have that revolving door back to what we just talked about with finding a person with that similar trait because there's something we need to heal and fix.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

I've heard a therapist say before your subconscious will always pick a familiar pain over an unfamiliar.

SPEAKER_01 11:36

Yeah. So basically, we're what we tend to do is if we feel, if we come from an insecure base, whether it's avoidant, whether it's dismissive, whether it's you know, distracted or disorganized, if we come from that insecure base and this person's coming at us as a secure person, going, I love you, and you're the greatest person, and I want to be with you, and you're so much fun, and all these things. And we go, Whoa, that's too much. I can't handle that. That I'm never gonna be able to keep up. I just don't deserve this person. This is too much. Again, we're gonna we're gonna choose self-destruction versus self that that love and that that commitment from somebody that is showing up for us because we we feel very uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

Unfamiliar, you don't know what to do with it. How can I maintain my own secure boundaries while waiting for a fearful avoidant partner to work through their often confusing emotional cycles?

SPEAKER_01 12:44

So the reality is unless that fearful avoidant partner is working with a therapist or has and is implementing their skills and their ability to self-regulate and manage, you're not going to be able to have that partnership look safe or be helpful to you because they're they're not going to be able to recognize the patterns that they're doing, just like we just talked about, that they're they're putting up walls and boundaries to sabotage the relationship in one way or another, and they might not even recognize it. So we need to make sure that if we're in a relationship with someone that hasn't got help, and even if they have got help for those things, that they're implementing their skills and they're they're diligently working on it, and they're talking to us about the difficulties that they're having working through some of those things.

SPEAKER_00 13:48

If I have an avoidant attachment style, why does emotional closeness sometimes feel like a threat rather than a comfort?

SPEAKER_01 14:00

Because it's something we desperately want, we we crave it, but it feels like a prison. It feels like like, for instance, I am a person that I I love hugs from people I love hugs from. And if I don't want you to hug me, it feels like a prison. It feels like I'm held captive. And that's kind of what it feels like in that sense of being in a place where you're held so tightly that you can't move or breathe. And so it can be really destructive to manage how to navigate that so that you get the small wins and move forward so that you can tolerate that and feel comfortable with it versus feeling trapped and and smothered.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

Not push on pushing away because there's there's too much closeness. They they want they want and need that space.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

Yeah. In one of the past episodes, we talked about the push-pull cycle. How can someone with an anxious attachment style learn to self-soothe instead of becoming overly dependent on reassurance from their partner?

SPEAKER_01 15:21

So again, it's if you work with a with a therapist, they can give you a lot of self-soothing skills that you can implement so that you don't just always need someone there. As a therapist, I I have quite a few clients that they didn't learn how to do that. And so they can get real rigid in their need to have their person be their everything, and and they only feel safe if they're with them, and they need them to hold them and comfort them and soothe them. So working with a therapist, there's a lot of things. One of my favorite to teach is if you just take your arms, use your the fingertips of your arm and place it, place it on your your other arm, right? So fingertips on your arm, and just gently brush up and down your arm. Do you see how it feels like that safe, soothing, loving feeling? That is an easy way for somebody that doesn't know how or hasn't learned to self-soothe to start self-soothing. Now, somebody with a really intense one can't even do that. So they actually have to start a little bit differently to even get to a place where that feels comfortable.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

Interesting. How can I determine if my relationship difficulties stem from my partner's attachment style, my own attachment style, or a combination of them both?

SPEAKER_01 17:01

The reality is they're almost always a combination of both. Okay. Because the way we act and interact with each other is from our base of understanding and the experiences that we've had with ourselves, with others, and for what we've watched with those people around us. So it really is about being self-aware and looking at like where if if something's bothering you, where did this stem from? Is this from an experience that I personally had? Is this an experience that someone I loved has had that they have shared with me or I've seen? Or or is this something that maybe my partner has had struggles with in those areas and it's affecting me? I I'm going to act and interact no matter what it is, but I'm I'm acting in my knowledge base, which sometimes we don't have a great knowledge base of certain aspects and situations. So we we react in those until we go through it a a time or two and we make those decisions to challenge and change those things.

SPEAKER_00 18:12

Okay. How do you distinguish between legitimate relationship red flags and fears based on your past attachments?

SPEAKER_01 18:25

So every every relationship is going to either give you some green flags or red flags. And if you're seeing all red flags, some people will still get in the relationship. And they may not recognize that that's an unhealthy pattern of behavior until they've been through several relationships like that. But it's again working with someone long enough to be able to start seeing your personal patterns of picking people and why you pick them. Right? So sometimes we talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire, right? Jumping and basically what that means is my problems that I'm aware of seem worse than if I dive headfirst into something that is probably worse for me.

SPEAKER_00 19:21

Gotcha. When a relationship ends, what are the red flags to look for to avoid repeating the same attachment patterns in your next relationship?

SPEAKER_01 19:32

Well, the first and foremost thing to do is take a step back and just view the relationship with a different set of eyes, not the emotional attachment that you have to it, which can take a little bit of time depending on how the relationship ends. Because if it's a bad breakup, it's gonna take you time to to heal some of those things and be able to self-reflect. But once you can, if you can take a step back and view it from a non-judgmental state for that person as well as you, you're gonna be able to find some of the some of those red flags that you missed.

SPEAKER_00 20:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:16

And that way you can you can look for them the next time. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:22

What are the specific early warning signs that my attachment style is being activated within a relationship?

SPEAKER_01 20:30

Well, for each one of them, it's going to be different. So it really is about that person understanding what their attachment style is before they can really look at what some of the warning signs are for them. So that's a hard one to answer, other than each person is their own. Yep. Other than you're just looking at your attachment styles and the way that it presents for you. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 21:01

How do you handle conflict repair if one partner tends to shut down while the other tends to escalate?

SPEAKER_01 21:10

So there's an amazing understandable way to do this. That is working with a therapist that can help you understand the window of tolerance, where you are, why you're that way, and what to do next. So that you can build safety and skills in that, so that when you're with your partner, you can navigate it in a way that's not going to continually create more pain and and and discomfort within the arguments that you have, the shutdowns that you have, the anxiety that you have.

SPEAKER_00 21:52

How does a secure person differ from someone with anxious or avoidant attachments when facing a relationship? Conflict.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

So when when we're talking about that secure attachment versus any other attachment, again, it's about understanding that they're going to see conflict as just a difference of opinion, which is really what conflict is. And that the emotions that we attach it to attach to it don't have to be personal. They can just be the emotions that we have because of a situation we've gone through. And then understanding that the person that you're having a conflict with has that same same thing happening, and then bridging that gap by understanding what they're feeling and what what you're feeling and finding a solution, even if that solution is that we agree to disagree.

SPEAKER_00 22:50

Does do people's attachment style affect the way they ask for support within a relationship?

SPEAKER_01 22:57

Yes. 100%. Sometimes, depending on the the way you have been attached, being open and vulnerable is not going to happen. And so they're not going to be able to ask for the help that they need because it doesn't feel safe. So the the reality is the only attachment style that feels safe and can do that in a way that's going to be helpful is somebody that's securely attached. Because it again, it it's going to be vulnerable for them, but they know that if they're vulnerable, they're still going to be loved. That their person is not under attack as the problem. It's a situation that's the problem. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 23:42

When a fearful avoidant is triggered, what is the best non-confrontational way to provide reassurance without being seen as pursuing or engulfing them?

SPEAKER_01 23:55

So again, that window of tolerance that I was talking about, when you learn how to navigate the window of tolerance for your personal attachment style, you whether you're shut down, whether you go to the red zone, whether you go to the blue zone, it's going to be helpful for you to be able to know what comes next. And so it's vital that when you when you struggle with those things, that you know how to approach your window of tolerance and what you need to do next in order for that to help you move forward and do things differently.

unknown 24:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 24:33

You teach the window of tolerance, don't you?

SPEAKER_01 24:35

Absolutely. It's one of my favorite things to do because most of us have never really understood why we do the things we do and how how interacting with our emotions can really be a superpower. And it it doesn't have to derail us in relationships the way that it does typically.

SPEAKER_00 24:54

Yeah. What is the best way to communicate my needs to my partner without triggering their defensiveness?

SPEAKER_01 25:05

So this is another skill I like to teach, which is communication skills, right? And one of my favorites is called Pyush. And no, it's not an Indian tribe, it's an acronym. It's about stating what you want positively, using I statements or or I feel instead of you did, right? Then using understanding about what you see in your partner and what they need, sharing the responsibility and offering to help so that we can move through the situation. So communication skills are a really big part of how we navigate any type of a relationship, no matter what our attachment style is.

SPEAKER_00 25:52

Yeah. How can I effectively communicate with a dismissive avoidant partner to minimize their need to withdraw?

SPEAKER_01 26:02

So that one's a tricky one. And again, it it's about that communication, like we just talked about. If if we communicate in a way that we are pointing to ourselves first, it lowers the defensiveness, which for a dismissive allows them to take a breath and not feel like they have to run or hide their emotions completely so that they can they can have the space to kind of process through it and then give you an answer without being defensive.

SPEAKER_00 26:36

Okay. Let's say I'm working with a therapist skills for my attachment style, and my partner doesn't know anything about attachment styles, has never heard of the term, not familiar with the concept. How can I communicate my attachment needs to my partner that isn't familiar with that?

SPEAKER_01 26:58

Or do I have to teach them what I'm learning before we can so you will have to say, this is the way, this is the way I communicate best. This is what I need from you. And again, we can use some of the communication styles, we can use the window of tolerance, we can use a lot of different skills in in how to navigate relationships with each other so that they feel like they're on the same page with you without having to know everything to change you or to change them, because that's a big one. And more often than not, you're gonna have one versus the other one that knows more about things.

SPEAKER_00 27:40

Okay. Our attachment styles can either foster deep connection or create hurdles through anxiety and avoidance in relationships. If we have insecure attachments, it doesn't automatically mean your relationships are doomed to fail. However, we do need to recognize our patterns, increase our self-awareness, practice emotional regulation, and make conscious effort to adopt more secure behaviors and rewire our responses. Through these intentional actions, we can take steps toward vulnerability, trust, and strengthen your emotional well being and build lasting thriving partnerships. Please click the link below and share your thoughts about today's discussion with us. We love to hear from you. Join us on Monday as we discuss challenging your current attachment style in order to become more secure.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

We'll see you in the next slide.