Cultivating A Secure Attachment In Your Children

Children learn whether or not the world is safe, whether they are inherently worthy, and whether or not emotional expression is safe long before they learn to read or write. We as primary caregivers are tasked with this foundational learning that sets the child up for their interactions with themselves and the world. In this episode we discuss actionable steps that we can take to ensure our child grows up with a secure attachment style, and how to look for signs that an insecure attachment is developing with a pass for course-correction.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Long before a child learns to read or write, they learn whether the world is safe, whether they are inherently worthy, and whether emotions are something to be expressed or hidden, all from their primary caregivers' facial expressions and responses to their distress.

SPEAKER_01 0:19

I'm your host, Shalee, and I'm your co-host Sam, and you're listening to Pathway to Empowerment, where we believe in thriving, not surviving.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

Today we're going to be discussing some of the early warning signs parents can look out for that an insecure attachment style might be developing for their child, as well as some ways in which we can help our child gain and maintain a secure attachment, and how we can maintain those attachments in our adult relationships as well. Shale, how can parents tell the difference between a child acting out in typical developmental boundaries versus them reacting to an insecure attachment?

SPEAKER_01 1:07

So when you see inconsistent behavior as a first sign, right? Inconsistent behavior that the child is insecure attached, they may be erratic or they may show signs of being unpredictable in their patterns that they they switch between maybe like clingingness versus aggression or detachment. So that that can be a first one. Fear of abandonment is a huge one, right? Acting out may stem from that fear of separation that their parents won't come back. Then there's that difficulty of trust. So they don't trust other people if they feel super reliant on their their caregiver. They they show clear signs of distress if their caregiver is going to leave them in the presence of some other person that they may know or that they may not know, even.

SPEAKER_02 2:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

And then the chronic patterns stem for an inse, they stem from being insecurely attached. They may appear frequently or like persistent over time, or they may be intermittent as the child tries to figure out how to navigate their world with the fears that they have that are associated with what they've been doing. Some of the other things that you may see are avoidance of eye contact. They may really struggle with looking at their caregivers or showing little interest in interactions. They may have a lack of preference for caregivers. So they may show a clear preference for a primary caregiver versus strangers or familiar people, like we were just talking about. The inconsistent responses a child may display, like like we talked about that clinginess again, right? And so how do we combat that? And what does it look differently with a person or a child that's just developmentally, they may have an outburst of please don't leave me. But then it's like if the if the caregiver is like, oh, I'll be back in 30 minutes, the child will be like, oh, okay, and then they'll settle down. So it's really this this ability for them to be reassured or connect when there's open lines of communication given to them. They can then model like good emotional ability. They may cry if that their caregiver is gonna leave them, but once they understand their their tears will dissipate and they will react in a typical fashion that a normally a typical normal secure attached child would act or react. And then also like they will feel a lot safer in in almost all spaces instead of being terrified and in this if it's a new space or a new experience that they're having.

SPEAKER_00 4:39

So then what immediate steps can we take to course correct if we see that our child is not reacting with a secure attachment style? Is there something if we notice like, hey, this is becoming a pattern, I think there might be a disconnect, what we can do?

SPEAKER_01 5:02

Well, it's about allowing them to get comfortable step by step, leaving for five minutes, saying I'll be back in five minutes, then coming back in five minutes so the child can see that you're coming back, and then say, I'll be back in ten minutes, and and so forth and so on, until that child gets used to you doing what you say you're going to do, so that they can they can eventually feel safe and secure that you're not going to abandon them. So there are steps you can take, but it's not like a one-step, easy step fix. It's gonna take time for that child to not have that fear that whether it's talking to a person, whether it's hugging a person, whether it's leaving, all of those things are going to be steps. And also as a parent, one thing that's really important to remember is that we should never push our child to hug anyone. Yeah. You you can say, hey, Aunt Susie would like a hug. Do you feel like you want to give her one? And if that child says no, then you say that's fine, you don't have to. So that they are aware that they have the ability to not touch or be touched by anyone.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

That they have the ability to set the boundary of what they're comfortable.

SPEAKER_01 6:26

Yes, absolutely. And insecure attached children are going to never want someone else to touch them. And so if a if a person is like, no, you're gonna come and hug me, or hugs them, that just creates a deeper wound for this child to overcome.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

Okay. How do we cultivate a home environment that balances healthy, secure boundaries like that with emotional safety that's needed for a child to be able to express big feelings and you know, gain a secure attachment?

SPEAKER_01 7:02

So cultivating the attachment that you want your child to have, whether it's you know, being able to communicate, we have to respond with helping them learn how to communicate, communicate their thoughts, communicate their needs, communicate their feelings in a way that is acceptable to society standards, but also acceptable to that child. So again, it's going to take little tiny pieces, a little tiny bit at a time, in order for that child to navigate how to do that. Because you if you think about if you think about a trauma response, once a trauma response is activated, your cognitive brain shuts down. So there's no new learning for this child once that activation ha happens. And so this is practicing these things slowly at home in an environment where the child feels safer so that their cognitive ability is intact and they can learn through it and practice. But that's typically not what happens. We we as adults go, Well, I've got to do this and I've got to take them to the sitter. So it just has to happen. And we leave them, and they're screaming and crying for us to not leave. And we go, I've gotta go. You guys deal with them. And we've just created that rift in in them feeling like they're safe. So then we're gonna have to back that clear up and and rebuild on that so the child does feel safe the next time and the next time and the next time.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

So it's like communication and consistency.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

Communication is huge in in helping anyone feel safe. And also for us to model the emotional intelligence needed and necessary for them to learn how to go to a secure attachment style. And the only way we can do that is to provide a safe space for them to learn in. So building that attachment style is modeling communication, emotional intelligence, and providing that safe place. Okay, yeah perfect.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

How can co-parents successfully navigate the reality that a child may have a completely different attachment style with each of them?

SPEAKER_01 9:49

So, first and foremost, you need to educate yourself and actually become aware of what your child or children, because typically if we only have one, it's easy to understand what their attachment style is. And more often than not, know where it stems from. If you have more than one child, it's essential that you take time with that each child to learn what their attachment style is and help navigate changes and cultivate that within them and within your relationship with them, each parent, so that they feel safe and secure. So, for instance, if if a child comes from a home that's broken, right? So mom and dad are not together, whether they never were, or whether they are divorced, or whatever that may look like, it's essential for each one of those parents to help that child feel safe and secure within their home, within their family structure, too. Because when you think about co-parenting, typically a co-parenting situation, there's more than more than one set of adults in that home, in each home, right? So they may have a a mom and a stepdad, or a dad and a stepmom, or you know, two stepmoms, or two, you know, yeah, whatever that may may look like, two moms, two dads, or a combination of differing, differing things. So each parent needs to be able and willing to cultivate a relationship with that child so they feel safe to share whatever's going on with them in order for them to create a safe, secure attachment style. Okay. Typically doesn't happen though. Because that's a lot of work.

SPEAKER_00 11:44

Yeah. So we shouldn't just assume that because your child may be securely attached with you, that we can't just assume that that's how they are with the other parent as well.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

Well, they're gonna ha if they are securely attached to you and you're you and you're seeing a secure attachment in them, more often than not, they're going to be able to feel safe and securely attached, even if in that home they don't feel safe. They're because they are attached to you securely. Now, does that mean that they learn some maladaptive coping in order to exist in the home that they don't really feel valued? Absolutely. But then when they come back home, it they balances out. It will well, it will balance out, but they'll share with you so then you can help the other parent know what's happening. And again, the hard thing is that that other parent may or may not implement anything in order for this child to feel safe at their home.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

Gotcha. Okay, that makes sense. Is it possible for a parent with an insecure attachment style to have a child that is securely attached? Well, we can't Yeah, we kind of just talked about that, right?

SPEAKER_01 13:08

Mm-hmm. So if if they can if they can function with you and they're securely attached to you, then they can actually navigate the world in a secure way because they know they're loved, they know they're valued, they know their emotions are are valid and accepted. They just they just know how to navigate the differences when they don't feel safe in a different environment, how to do that. And as a secure attached child at one home, you can help that child build skills so that they can navigate the the different environment in a way that it won't be detrimental to them.

SPEAKER_00 13:55

Right. Okay. So even if you have an insecure attachment with like your upbringing, you can function in a way to make it so that your child grows up securely attached.

SPEAKER_01 14:10

Well, if you're willing to to do the work for your child to have a secure attachment, you're probably working towards a secure attachment yourself. And so that's going to be easier overall for both of you to have that secure attach attachment style. Now, do can we vacillate between the two sometimes? Absolutely, because sometimes we get ourselves in situations that feel scary and awkward. We may have come from a secure attachment, and for whatever reason, you get into a relationship that's abusive and neglectful and those types of things, and you can easily go into the depths of that anxious attachment style in that situation.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

So how so can you name again like the how you break the cycle of insecure attachment?

SPEAKER_01 15:12

So again, you're going to the the most vital part is always, always, always communication. Being able to communicate in a safe environment with your people that you trust is going to build help build whatever skills and abilities you need, especially if having emotions are looked at as a superpower, so that child can share whatever emotion it is. I mean, think about it this way. We all have a child who didn't, maybe we don't have a child, but we know a child who didn't feel safe or comfortable talking openly about being scared or being intimidated or being frightened in any way, shape, or form, but they would tell someone. So they felt like that person is safe emotionally for them to share whatever's going on. And that way, if you can do that and you can make that that child feel like no matter what emotions they have, they're safe. That child will then learn how to do that even with uh with and around people that like push it off. Oh, don't cry, be a big girl, be a big boy, don't don't be a wimp, whatever is said, they can say, you know what, I need to cry, so I'm gonna go cry. And they just might excuse themselves from those people and go take care of those emotions by themselves so that they work through that emotional resiliency that they need in order to continue forward. But they've learned that if you're if you're build helping them build that, that a safe space to emote is is essential. Gotcha.

SPEAKER_00 16:58

What is the most effective way for a parent to own up to their attachment-driven mistakes and repair a rupture after it's occurred with their child?

SPEAKER_01 17:12

So the re the the short answer to this is you've got to be able to first and foremost acknowledge and reflect on what what just happened and not not do the shame or blame game with the child. Just go to them and say, you know what, I'm so sorry that I acted or reacted the way I did. It's not an excuse. I'm working on improving that myself. And I hope that you will be patient with me while I learn how to do things different, because this in no way, shape, or form was your fault. This was all something I'm relearning and teaching myself how to do something different. So anytime you can help the child know that like this isn't about them, this isn't anything to do with them, that's going to be a huge part of you owning up to whatever attachment style challenges you may have.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

So that you're learning and you're human too. That's I think that's a huge thing to like I will tell my kids that hey, I shouldn't have like if I have an explosion and get mad at them or whatever, calm down, like hey, sorry, I shouldn't have acted that way. And I think that that's been a huge shift the last several years that I've noticed. It's become more normal because I remember like parents of my parents' generation, a lot of the time, like they view themselves on this pedestal, no matter if they're wrong or right, they weren't gonna like it wasn't gonna be discussed.

SPEAKER_01 19:06

Yeah, do as I say, not as I do.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

Yep. And so I've noticed a lot of parents, and not every parent, obviously, but a lot of parents in recent years have more of an open dialogue of like, hey, I'm learning this too. I'm sorry that I reacted that way, I'll try harder in the future to react this way. And I think that's really cool. Absolutely. Okay. What specific daily communication tools can a parent use to help an anxious child feel seen and emotionally regulated without overaccommodating their fears?

SPEAKER_01 19:51

So just like we've been talking about, communication is huge. And one of my favorite things to do, I've done this for years with some of my kids, is ask them like, what was the favorite, what was your the favorite part of your day? What was the worst part of your day? Having them open up about some of those pieces so you can discuss it, so that they can see that no matter what it is, we can number one, we can talk about it. Number two, what were you feeling with it? Talk talking openly about were you, wow, that seems scary. How did you how did you deal with that? So that you're actually asking them what they did in the moment and then saying, well, what if next time you tried this? You know, so you have an open communicative way to discuss changes or look at things outside of that thing. So that because it's gonna happen again. Those things that they're nervous or anxious about, they're going to happen again. So if we think about things that, wow, I remember a time when I felt like that and I did this and it made me feel a little bit better. Do you want to try something like that next time? So giving them options, helping them see that like what they did wasn't dumb or stupid, or or that they made a mistake, giving them options and opportunities for next time. But the very first part is having that open communication where you can discuss everything and anything with them.

SPEAKER_00 21:33

Those conversations offer like it guides them through self-re self-reflection that they might not have understood how to do on their own.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

Well, and it builds. Yeah. That's awesome. It builds emotional resiliency. Because if if we if we have the ability to go, oh, somebody else has felt that way too, and they they look strong, they look confident, they look happy, they look whatever.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

And they've all obviously made it through it.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

So yeah. So there's there's that hope that we need.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

Yeah, for sure. Do the relationships we as parents have with each other and our family or loved ones affect the attachment style our child develops? For example, like if my child is just observing my insecure attachment with my dad or whatever, how does that affect how the child views the world?

SPEAKER_01 22:38

It can affect them depending on how the relationship is between the two of you. But if if they have started to develop a secure attachment with you and with life, they might view it from an outside with interest and and have questions for you. Why don't why do you let your dad treat you that way? Or what you looked really scared, mom. Why were you scared? They might have those types of questions which then will help you process oof, if my child's seeing something, I probably need to do something with this myself. So it might not affect them in any other way if they have a secure attachment. If they have an anxious attachment it's going to exacerbate that for them because now they're looking at you going well I'm fearful of you and my my relationship that you're you're going to leave me, you're going to abandon me. But I just watched what happened there and and now I'm even more fearful that I'm going to be abandoned because you're not safe with your parent.

SPEAKER_02 23:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:52

So it just kind of creates like a snowball effect or it can for this child feeling like I don't ever want to get close to that person. I know for me growing up I was terrified of my grandfather for the longest time because he was so gruff and he was so abrasive in so many ways and he instead of a instead of being kind and loving he would come to our house and be like get over here you little shit and I'd be like oh I'm in trouble like my heart would pound out of my chest and I wouldn't want to even go over by him and and I didn't recognize that as a term his term of endearment for me until I was a lot older in life because he terrified me like we I didn't grow up with that being anything other than a bad negative thing you know not being being aware that that could have been him saying hey come here I want to I wanna hug you I want to tell you I love you right because he didn't know how to do that. That was the only way he knew how so we can have that affect us in a lot of ways as a child especially watching your parent but as I watched my parent with my my grandfather he didn't care so it just it made me question myself not my dad does that make sense yeah so it made me question my ability for myself so my attachment style was more in jeopardy than than watching it my dad's attachment style.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

Yeah I know for me with my son there's been several instances or events that have happened that he's like that he'll witness and he'll be like that's not normal. That's not how such and such family member should act this is how it is and which makes me happy for him but he but it also always like feels incredible to me how he like can it's like he's detached from it. And it is because it's not his relationship with that person. Like I get that but also like I was always attached to the events or the things and I did never like it took me a long time to detach from those scenarios. And so for him to be like Mom that's not normal that's that's not healthy. I'm always happy when he can recognize it but it also he doesn't let that affect him yeah personally.

SPEAKER_01 26:47

And that's a that's a clear sign of a healthy secure attachment that he has that he can view outside things and not let it affect him personally that's a that's a huge sign of your attachment style being different than his and still him having a secure attachment. Yeah. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00 27:10

In a relationship where both partners are insecurely attached and only one partner is working towards changing their personal attachment style to be more secure will that still benefit the relationship or will it become more of a rift because one person is improving and the other person is not again when we look at the differences of how we interact together we're going to be in different places sometimes than our partner is and so it can it can do either or it can it can help help you solidify moving more into a secured attachment style on your own with your you know finding safe spaces to effectively emote and allowing yourself to communicate all your needs wants and desires if that other partner is not willing though it can very easily create the biggest rift and you might find that those relationships crumble and they don't last because if if both of you are not willing to grow one person in the partnership will outgrow the other one.

SPEAKER_01 28:36

Yeah and it just creates a a need of separation now are there times where we're growing at different spaces and we're just building having building blocks that way that's typically what we see in most relationships. One person's learning one one person might be at a standstill for a little while taking a breath in between growth spurts and that actually will just be great for the relationship overall because you're giving each other the space and the time and the and the support to grow in between each other. So it can be either or it can it can derail the relationship or if both of you are it just you know maybe taking a break in between growth cycles your relationship can continue in a healthy pattern.

SPEAKER_00 29:31

So it really just depends on that couple's individual dynamic. Okay personal growth is a lifelong journey but by cultivating healthy attachments and mastering effective communication you lay the foundation for enduring connections. By embracing these practices you foster meaningful relationships and are able to navigate through life's challenges paving the way to a wonderful healthy life click the link below and let us know how you felt about all the episodes on on attachment styles. And if you have any suggestions for future topics would love to hear them. We'll see you next time