Challenging Your Attachment Style To Become Secure

Your attachment style is a better predictor of your physical health, longevity, and overall happiness than wealth or genetics. This makes challenging your current style to become more secure a crucial point on your wellness journey! In this episode we discuss what "red flag" behaviors indicate a need to work on your attachment style,  actionable steps of things you can do to increase your security, modalities of therapy that can assist you on your journey, and the benefits you may experience by changing your attachment style. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Your attachment style is a better predictor of your physical health, longevity, and overall happiness than wealth or genetics. I'm your host, Shalee, and I'm your co-host Sam, and you're listening to Pathway to Empowerment, where we believe in thriving, not surviving. Your attachment patterns directly wire your nervous system, determining how your body handles stress and recovers from trauma. One of the most powerful realizations is that attachment styles are not set in stone. You are not doomed by a chaotic upbringing. Through therapy, increased self-awareness, and intentional, healthy relationships, you can actively build a more secure attachment. Effectively rewiring your brain for relational stability. So let's get into the details. Shalee, what are the most common red flag behaviors that indicate a need to work on attachment?

SPEAKER_01 1:04

So some of the biggest ones are that, you know, that we have that deep ingrained belief that we have to do it a certain way, right? Instead of looking at the stonewalling or the intentional jealousy that we we tend to have with our partners or the inability to trust or ask for comfort when we need it. Those are some of the biggest red flags for needing to work on your attachment styles.

SPEAKER_00 1:45

Okay. Can an individual with an insecure attachment style truly develop a secure attachment style? And if so, how? Oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

However, having said that, it's gonna take time and effort and working with a therapist to help them understand the certain aspects that they need to have in order to look at their triggers, look at the things that are problematic for them, and then doing something different. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

How can someone with an insecure attachment style reparent themselves to develop secure traits?

SPEAKER_01 2:24

So again, if you actually know some of the things that you need to work on, say you're a person that is a dismissive avoidant, right? If you know that you shut down and you need to dismiss all the pieces, then you can be kind and patient to that inner child and give them that love and understanding, be there emotionally for them, help them see things, help your inner child see things differently. But again, it's gonna take work, it's gonna take effort, and it's gonna take a lot of ability working with someone for you to see those pieces and what to do next. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 3:08

If I have an avoidant or anxious style, what concrete daily actions can I take to become more securely attached?

SPEAKER_01 3:19

So if I look at like the dismissive, right? Dismissive avoidant, like we just said, understanding that emotions are alright and that there's something that our superpower and working within that so that we can challenge ourselves to not shut down when an emotion feels overwhelming or feels like it's too much. That's a big one for the dismissive avoidant, right? It's about not shutting yourself down or isolating or becoming defensive in those places and self-sabotaging. If you're looking at the fearful avoidant, it's about allowing yourself to see that it's okay for you to actually not attach physically all the time, that you can self-soothe, that you can't stand on your own, you can have other people that can help support and help you feel secure in the moments and not just one person that you feel like you have to have. And if you don't have them, that you're not gonna be okay. And then, like, if you think about the anxious, preoccupied person, there it's gonna be a lot of the same type of thing with as well as the fearful, avoidant, you know, and the dismissive. If you work within understanding your emotions and how you do those things and how they interact with you specifically and allow them to be your superpower versus your kryptonite, it's gonna it's gonna be the best way to navigate how to have a more securely attached relationship with yourself and with others.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

So really working on your emotions and your self-awareness. Absolutely. Don't you I think I've heard you tell people before, or you've said it to me before, about a keeping a journal of when you get up, how many times a day is it? Did you say five times a day?

SPEAKER_01 5:40

Five times a day looking at your emotions. And I think we talked about that in a different episode, where when you're starting to identify your emotions, the number one thing to remember is not to judge yourself in any way, shape, or form. Just get that investigator cap on and become really curious about what emotions you do allow to be present for you. Because when we become aware of what we're feeling, we can then become aware of situations that make us really uncomfortable with those feelings, and then we can challenge and change them. But if we're not aware of what we're feeling, how can we do anything other than just either push them away or intensely feel them? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:26

When is it time to seek professional help for insecure attachment?

SPEAKER_01 6:31

I think any time that it's overtaking any part of your life in a way that's that you're struggling with, if you or that you want to. I mean, a lot of times I'll have people come to me and say, Hey, Shaley, I want to do some attachment work. And they haven't really investigated what that even looks like for them, or or may have a really brief understanding of what attachment style they are. And so that can help them understand why they've done some of the things they've done. So, like in in my undergrad class work, I had a professor, Professor Jones, who used to write every single day on the board. Why do people do the things they do? And when we understand why we do the things that we do, we can we can then decide if it's still working for us or if we can change it and if we want to change it. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:33

What are some actionable techniques in therapy that help people shift from anxious or avoidant toward becoming secure?

SPEAKER_01 7:44

So there's a lot of things that we can do to help bridge some of those gaps, right? And a lot of times it's about first and foremost being able to ground yourself when you're dysregulated, so that you can get back quickly, get back to a center of homeostasis. So then even in the midst of whatever situation you're in that brought those emotions up for you, you have an a better idea of why it's present and and what's going on for you. So that's a big one. So that's that can be huge, it can be life-changing. Another another skill that we can use right off the bat is square breathing. Or one of my favorites is to give someone an emotional anchor, and and so we can use those types of skills to help us navigate whatever situation we're going through in the moment. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

How does CBT help reframe the catastrophizing thoughts of an anxious person?

SPEAKER_01 8:55

So when we actually look at our cognition, right? And one of my favorite favorite things to say is I'm going to have some metacognition or I'm going to think about my thinking. Right? Thinking about your thinking is metacognition. And so when I'm thinking about my thinking, I can then find, like we're just talking about, I don't have to own it and feel shame about it. I can be very curious about it and then I can challenge it. But again, in unless you're aware of something, you can't change it. If you don't think about why you're doing what you're doing, then there's no way that you're going to move forward in any pattern that's going to be beneficial long term in changing that that thinking. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 9:44

So CBT is the thinking about your thinking? Yeah. Cognitive behavior therapy.

SPEAKER_01 9:50

So when we look at when we look at our thinking in cognitive behavior therapy or the metacognition of thinking about your thinking, it helps us bridge that gap of making change occur. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

How does self-awareness or becoming securely attached translate into changing behaviors?

SPEAKER_01 10:13

So, just like we were talking about, if if you're not aware of what's going on, you're going to just continue that loop. And that pattern is just going to be like groundhog day. And until we actually become aware of that, we can't do anything about it. So when we become aware of it, then we have to go, okay, it is this still doing something for me? Do I still need this? Is it still beneficial for me to have this behavior? Because it might, but it might not. Yeah. And so when we have that self-awareness, then we can actually start changing into a more secure attached individual because we're not focusing on the the maladaptive part of whatever we were doing. We're focusing on the change that we want to have occur. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

What is security priming and how can I use it to feel safer within my relationships?

SPEAKER_01 11:24

So that's what we were just talking about. When we don't, when we don't judge what we're thinking about, and we just look at it from you know a step back process, we're actually able to prime the ability for us to challenge it. But if we're connected to it and we're holding tight to it and it's can we're can trying to control it, it's going to make it more difficult for us to do anything about it. So when we when we actually become really curious about why we're doing something or priming it for change, then it's easier for us to step back away from it and not be scared of challenging it. So security priming is like the detaching yourself from the it being being a part of who you are and losing part of who you are because you're challenging that that behavior. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:33

How can I practice being more vulnerable and directly communicating my needs like a secure person would?

SPEAKER_01 12:43

So vulnerability, everybody struggles with that at first. So it really is about taking very small, calculated risks with someone that you do feel like you can trust to help you through that process in order to move towards being open and being vulnerable and not feeling like it's not going to be okay because you're learning that it you can navigate it one small piece at a time. It's like if you think about a a toddler. When when they get ready to stand up at the furniture, right? They're really wobbly and they're they're watching everybody, and they they may just stand there and rock for a long time, and then they'll sit down before they take those first hesitant steps. That's the same type of thing we're talking about here. Taking those small hesitant steps, knowing that you're going to be working with somebody that will catch you when you fall, so that you can then become more vulnerable and it becomes less a feeling like you're going to wish that the floor would open up and swallow you.

SPEAKER_00 14:05

Okay. Well, what are some actionable steps to build a sense of self that is not reliant on somebody else's validation? So that's a really great question.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

So when you think about a time where you needed somebody to validate you, it most likely was because you didn't have the confidence in believing that what you said was true or believing that other people wouldn't question you and you would back down, right? That fear that I'm not going to be okay if something is outside my comfort zone. So it really is about allowing yourself to take those little pieces and learning that you will survive. That you're the the floor really isn't going to open up and swallow you, and neither is anybody else. And then allowing yourself when you're reflecting on it, because you will, reflecting on it later to learn how to put it away or put it on the shelf or park it or whatever, whatever term your therapist is giving you in order for you to then look and go, great job. Like allowing yourself to do something completely outside of your comfort zone and knowing that you don't have to spin in it, you can just allow it to be whatever it is without it deriving who you are. And when you learn that little piece by piece, then you become more self-assured and confident in your ability to do that.

SPEAKER_00 16:00

What are the most effective self-soothing techniques to use when experiencing panic after a partner is distant?

SPEAKER_01 16:11

So the first one is a grounding technique. We've talked a lot about my favorite one, 54321. That's a huge one that everybody can do anywhere. It doesn't matter what where you're at, you can find the things, use your senses and get yourself back to a grounded state. Square breathing is another great grounding technique. Doing getting up and doing an activity that will help you to lay distract aside in order for you to not fall into that whirlwind of spinning, right? I actually had a client say something to me the other day that they called it, and I kind of liked it. And they took they called it tornado tornadoing, right? Because when we spin and it just feels like the vortex is sucking everything in that you're gonna get caught and and how how many houses or people are damaged in a tornado a lot, and so we want to teach skills to ground so that that doesn't happen.

SPEAKER_00 17:14

Yeah, I like that tornadoing. Yeah, I did too. How can an anxiously attached person learn to set and hold boundaries without fearing abandonment?

SPEAKER_01 17:27

That one is gonna take a lot of time and effort and work with a therapist because that that one is is so deeply rooted that it can take a long, long time and a lot of different techniques and and things working a lot of time working through with a therapist to get to a place where that person will be able to open up and not feel that abandonment wound shift. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 17:57

What role does mentalizing or understanding underlying thoughts and emotions play in reducing conflict for anxious adults?

SPEAKER_01 18:06

Okay, so again, when we're thinking about our thinking, we can spin, we can do what we call like future tripping. Like this is gonna happen, I know this is gonna happen when we build those scenarios in our head, and those become the narratives that we live by. And so when we build those narratives, we we really struggle with finding a way through conflict. So we've got to do some really good techniques to get us to a place where we're not future tripping. So learning how to use a mood log so that you're actually looking at why you're overgeneralizing, looking at why you're catastrophizing, look at why you're doing some of those core distortions and being able to like learn how to self-reflect enough to do something different. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

How can someone with fearful avoidant detachment learn to communicate their needs without using protest behavior or becoming accusatory?

SPEAKER_01 19:19

So that one's a big one. And again, it that one's gonna be an individualized thing, but working with a therapist so you can identify which parts you tend to struggle with the most if you are a fearful avoidant, so that you can navigate it in a way in your relationship and with yourself in the relationship you have with you, so that you don't fall back into those negative patterns and you work on challenging and changing the ones that will make a big impact on moving toward a secure attachment.

SPEAKER_00 19:59

How can I tell if I am making genuine progress towards a secure attachment style?

SPEAKER_01 20:05

So are you becoming more confident in who you are and what your abilities are? Are your are your needs to to either avoid or dismiss or isolate? Are those do those times decreasing and your times of sitting with a conflict and working through it changing? Are you able to ask for what you need? Those types of things are a sure sign that you're moving towards changing the attachment from what it was to what you want it to be. Again, though, those might be just little tweaks that you're noticing. So patting yourself on the back for moving towards them and challenging them and changing them is huge.

SPEAKER_00 20:53

Okay. What benefits does having a secure attachment have on somebody's day-to-day life or even just the way that they interact with themselves and the world?

SPEAKER_01 21:06

So again, if you're a more secure person, you have the ability to present yourself differently. And if you present yourself differently, you're gonna feel differently. If you feel differently, you're gonna you're gonna vibrate at a different vibrational level, and you're gonna attract other people that are vibrating on that level, and you're going to have more happiness, more feel more secure, feel more loved, feel like you can conquer the world. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 21:39

Well, thank you for sharing that information with us today, Chili. My pleasure. As we have explored, it is absolutely possible to transform your attachment style and build healthier relationships through intentional action. By actively developing secure habits, you cultivate emotional stability. Deeper life satisfaction and deepen your overall wellness. It won't be an overnight fix, a magical cure. It'll take effort, intentional action, and persistence, but it is 100% worth it. Click the link below to share your thoughts on today's episode and join us on Friday as we discuss how you can foster connection and build secure attachments with your children and within your relationships. We'll see you next time.