Shutting Down A Partners Feedback by Labeling It As Unsupportive Of Your Diagnosis

In this episode we share real life examples of partners shutting down their partners valid emotional feedback by labeling it as triggering or unsupportive of their neurodivergent or mental health diagnosis. We sprinkle in information on how the situation could have been handled differently and how the partners can communicate effectively. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

When you dismiss my concerns as a trigger for you, it invalidates my experiences and leaves no space for us to resolve the actual issue. I'm your host, Shalee. And I'm your co-host, Sam. And you're listening to Path. Today we have Clint here with us to help us talk about the emotional invalidation that happens when one partner frames the other partner's valid emotional feedback as a trigger or a threat to their mental health or neurodivergence in order to shut down the conversation. So Shalian Clint, do you want to give us some examples of that happening within the therapeutic? Yep.

SPEAKER_02 0:51

Therapeutic framework that we get we both get to deal with. So I know for me, like it happens a lot when I'm doing couples sessions where one partner will talk over the other one and say the other partner doesn't he doesn't hear them, right? Or they think that they're they are not being validated. And if that partner that feels unheard, unseen, unvalidated says anything, that other partner will then shut down emotionally, sh stop the conversation, and then they move, they either sweep it under the rug, or they you know, just kind of avoid altogether that something happened. That happens a lot. It happens a lot in relationships.

SPEAKER_00 1:45

Happens also singularly, too, when as a counselor, the you challenge someone's behavior, you'll actually see them physically, their eyes start rolling back in the back of their head, and they just shut down and not willing to engage in a conversation any longer that is beneficial to helping them because it's difficult to start looking at oneself.

SPEAKER_02 2:08

Don't you also see Clint like I I know you're talking about rolling back in their eyes rolling back in their head, but don't you also see like almost like a door slam shut in front of their eyes and their eyes kind of go blank, right?

SPEAKER_03 2:22

Right.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

And so they they have like this complete shutdown system that that they're getting too close to my comfort zone.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

So yeah, I gotta get away.

SPEAKER_02 2:32

You you hit the spot that hurt, right? Yeah, I have one client who every time that that I get really close to a pinpoint issue, he actually starts falling asleep. Because emotionally he can't handle like the emotions that are coming up for him. And so that has been his go-to maladaptive behavior to stop whatever was coming at him. So he'll start nodding off, and uh, and then I'll say, Oh, I hit a point, didn't I? You know, and he'll be like, wait, what, what? You know, and so there's a lot of times that we have a lot of different behaviors, right? That that happen or show up when you're hitting those nerves.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

Yeah, sometimes it can be anger.

SPEAKER_02 3:27

Sometimes or a lot of times.

SPEAKER_00 3:30

Just depending on the person, but that's some people's adaptive behavior that they're used to. Is if I'm getting angry enough, you'll stop saying what you're saying to me because I'm uncomfortable with hearing that truth.

SPEAKER_02 3:43

Right. We we also talked, Sam, about how a lot of times that person doesn't understand how to navigate it. And so they will they will go to that toxic shame. Right? Oh, it's my fault, everything's my fault. And that shuts down the conversation too, because then it's all about them and their partner is again not seen, not heard, and uh almost dismissed or abandoned. And it will bring up and can bring up those abandonment wounds as well when we have situations where we're not validated. But, you know, in the last, I don't know, would you say probably four or five years? Oh, I'm being triggered is like the key words, right? Like that is like uh aha. I know a I know a therapeutic word that's gonna get me out of something, or it's going to make what I'm experiencing your fault. And so we do use the word trigger a lot, and I don't like to use the word trigger. I like to use the word activated. You activated me in this way, you activated my anger, you activated my fear, you activated my nervous system in certain ways, and and so we do use the word trigger a lot in order to shut down a conversation that we know is something we we haven't been able to navigate in a healthy in a healthy way.

SPEAKER_00 5:26

I've actually even taken people to a place rather than saying triggered, it's like, why can't you look at it as a glimmer, a glimmer of hope that there's a possibility that you may be able to change a behavior that you're no longer comfortable with. And it gives you a chance to address it rather than hide from it, so that you can have this belief and hope that maybe I can walk through this and not have to continue acting out in this unproductive way that I've grown accustomed to as a means of survival.

SPEAKER_02 5:56

That's a good way to look at it too. I've also referred to it. I don't know if you either one of you have heard this term godsmacked. Have you heard that term? It's a it's a godsmack, like something has happened in your life to bring you to a point that you have the ability right here, right now, to confront and change from here on out.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

So godsmacked you right upside the head.

SPEAKER_02 6:28

It can feel that way sometimes, especially for the person that's getting getting godsmacked or getting the glimmers or having been triggered. But one of the things that's vital for us to remember and understand is that a trigger is not the problem. A trigger is not the issue. We get triggered all day long, every single day. And there's nothing wrong with being triggered. The key fact here is that when my emotions get activated, that's when I am in trouble. That's like putting a bullet in a gun, right? When when that emotion is activated, it doesn't matter what happens next because I typically haven't learned the skills or how to navigate it in a beneficial way. So I go back to shutting down, I go back to not allowing myself or the people that I'm with to validate me in such a way that I can see it as a positive instead of a negative.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

Yeah. So how can someone tell the difference between their partner genuinely experiencing nervous system overload, like if they're autistic or ADHD burnout, shutdown, etc., and them using their diagnosis as an excuse to avoid accountability.

SPEAKER_02 8:03

So a lot of times when a person has been diagnosed with something, they use it as almost like a calling card or like a title or a badge that they wear on their chest.

SPEAKER_00 8:19

ADHD, there goes a squirrel. That's the big one. I got ADHD.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

Well, speaking of someone that has ADD, right? You've been diagnosed with ADD, and it has been a challenge for you to actually learn how to navigate things and stay connected. Would you agree?

SPEAKER_00 8:44

Yeah, to remain focused.

SPEAKER_02 8:47

So it is it is something that like for me, when I watch Clint like do certain things, I have to be like, okay, I could get really angry here, or I can learn how to help gather him back and keep him focused again. Do I do a great job of that? No, I don't sometimes. But sometimes I can. I can be beneficial in helping him stay a little bit more focused and guided.

SPEAKER_03 9:16

Come on.

SPEAKER_02 9:20

You think you're so funny, don't you?

SPEAKER_00 9:23

On occasion. Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_02 9:25

On occasion, you know you are. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:28

So when a conversation stops because of a panic response, how can my partner and I establish a boundary where they communicate a need for a break rather than just shutting me out?

SPEAKER_02 9:42

So that can be a really tricky one because it depends on what's going on with the panic, right? Sometimes that partner needs to actually help them get back to a safe place so that then they can ask for a a time out to breathe, process, and move back into a conversation. So it really is for a partnership, it's about recognizing certain signs. And I mean, we could tell this story. We have a daughter that was getting married, and her, the the family she was marrying into, their children are all autistic. And so I was, I had the opportunity to have all five of my daughters in the same place at the same time, and I was getting a picture of all of them. So I was orchestrating, like getting them moved into position and and everything, and I was not aware of what was happening behind me for the most part, right? And Clint knows some of my warning signs for panic and my my trauma being activated, right? And he he was able to see one of the the brothers coming towards me. Lovely, lovely gentleman. He really is a gentle soul, and all he wanted to do, like he just needed the love, yeah. He like he is overcome with the need to hug people and kiss them. And so when it gets to be too much, you can watch him actually like shake and move towards that target, right? So Quent was behind me and he could see this happening. And he do you want to share that part? So he he was he was watching and he knew that I was far enough away, and here we are at a wedding, right? That he couldn't get to me before this person got to me. But he knew that I was gonna be panicked when it happened. And so he just gently moved up into position so that he was there for me in case I did have a panic response being hugged from behind and held tightly. And so those are the types of things when you know your partner well enough, you can actually like stave off or be there to respond in a certain manner so that you can bring your partner back down to a state of homeostasis or calm, in order to then use skills and tools and techniques to help you stay there long enough to then go process what you need to, then come back because we always want to come back so that our partner doesn't feel abandoned, they know that we're in a safe place too, and we can then move forward. But no long, the long story is knowing your partner well enough to know what will help them instead of what will bring them to a higher state of panic. Because we can do both. Yeah, we can we can set the panic a hundred times or we can bring it down. Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:11

How can I communicate that my own emotional needs matter even when my partner claims that my feelings that I'm expressing triggers their mental health condition?

SPEAKER_02 13:25

So the the sad thing about this is that we do know that there's individuals that cannot or will not see their partner's needs or that their mental health has been damaged by what we've said or done, right? And so it really is about us working with a counselor or a therapist or a life coach or whoever we're working with, hopefully all of the above, helping them to gain skills so that they can get to a place where they can use those skills in order to validate themselves and not necessarily fall into the belief category of whatever our partner's trying to get us to buy into. Because you have to remember that hurt people hurt people. And so sometimes we say and do things that we don't necessarily want to, but we do say in the heat of the moment, and part of that is because when anger is activated, our cognitive ability has shut completely off because when anger shows up, it's a trauma response to get us to have enough energy in order to fight or flight, and so we say and do a lot of stupid things in that heat of the moment. Right? Would you agree to that?

SPEAKER_00 15:02

Yes. Act on impulse rather than thinking it through.

SPEAKER_02 15:07

Yeah, well, we can't think it through because our cognitive brains shut down.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

What is a healthy way to respond when my partner labels my emotional expressions or relationship concerns as an attack?

SPEAKER_02 15:22

So this can be really challenging because more often than not, when you have two people that haven't worked on a lot of their issues or known how to navigate through, that very thing's gonna happen. We're gonna have two people that continually activate the other person in a negative spiral. And so it really is important for us to work with someone so that we build those skills, the communication skills, because the reality is we don't communicate to listen and hear, we communicate to respond and make our point.

SPEAKER_01 16:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:07

And so when we're in that in that place where we're trying to hurt the other person, which is typically what what happens in that state, we're not we're not communicating, we're not hearing them, we're not validating. And I think a lot of times that people get this understanding or this belief system that says, if I validate you, what I'm saying is you're right.

SPEAKER_01 16:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:37

And that means I'm wrong. And it's not true. The the truth is that I can validate every single person because their truth is their truth without saying that they're right and I'm wrong. I can say, wow, Sam, that seems really hard for you. I can see why that might be hurtful for you. But I never said I caused it. I never said it was my fault, I never said it was my problem. I just validated what you guys were feeling without taking away from my truth. And so a lot of times in relationships and in in arguments, we forget the vitality of validating our person and saying, wow, I didn't realize it. I couldn't see it from your standpoint. That seems really challenging. Seems really hard.

SPEAKER_01 17:38

Yeah. Well, thank you guys so much for your sharing your experiences with us today.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

You're welcome. I added a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 17:50

Ultimately, the goal of this discussion is to recognize when a diagnosis or trigger is being used to dodge accountability by identifying how this invalidates one partner's needs and creates an unhealthy dynamic. We can establish a healthier framework. This shift encourages mutual responsibility, honors both parties' realities, and builds a path toward genuine connection and collaborative conflict resolution. If you'd like to join the discussion by sharing your thoughts, please click the link below and let us know what you think. On Monday, we will be chatting about one aspect of weaponized incompetence. You won't want to miss it.

SPEAKER_02 18:38

We'll see you next time.