Weaponized Incompetence - Claiming Confusion

In today's episode we discuss examples of the claiming confusion aspect of weaponized incompetence. Where one partner may manage companies at work but then come home and claim to be confused about simple household tasks. How can we navigate changing those dynamics in a healthy and constructive way?

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

It is fascinating how a partner can command complex boardrooms, negotiate multimillion dollar contracts, or master highly technical skills at the office, only to suddenly become completely mystified by the laundry machine or the vacuum cleaner when they get home. I'm your host, Shalee, and I'm your co-host Sam.

SPEAKER_02 0:25

And you're listening to Pathway to Empowerment, where we believe in thriving, not surviving.

SPEAKER_01 0:33

This stark contrast of ability lies at the heart of weaponized incompetence. A behavioral pattern where an individual pretends to be incapable or inept at basic tasks to avoid doing their share of the household work. Shalee, in your line of work, seeing couples, I'm sure you see this probably pretty consistently. Would that be correct in saying?

SPEAKER_02 1:04

I think that it can be really common in a partnership. What I typically see is that it doesn't necessarily aren't weaponizing that specifically. It can be part of it, but it can be like a lot to do with gender roles as well. And so any, it seems like any gender role at all can be like, oh, I just don't know how to do it. I you do it so much better. So you should do that one and I should do this. And so it can create a lot of problematic behaviors within the relationship because when that happens, the distribution of chores is not equitable.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:54

And so it can create a lot of resentments and a lot of frustration for the partner who is doing the majority of the work because their partner's inept. Yeah. Which they're not. They're just pretending to be. Yeah. Do you have any examples that you'd be willing to share? So I uh I had a couple that I was working with who it seemed like they were perfectly matched and they had spent years like building a relationship before they got engaged, only to then be engaged and have the the male component of the relationship be like, oh, I j I don't know how to like he put in the thing, I don't know how to run the dishwasher. So I think that's just something you're gonna it's there's too many gadgets and buttons, and it kind of terrifies me to do that. So I'm not gonna do that. Or another part that the Mel in this couple really struggled with is he he would say, Well, the way I do it, you don't like me the way that I do it. So it I probably am just not capable of doing it. So it makes me feel really sad and unwanted and un and worthy when I don't do it correctly. So I'm just gonna allow you to do it. And in essence, what they're saying is I've manipulated the situation, so you get to do all the work, and I now get to take a back seat because I can't figure it out. I know in my personal relationship I feel that way about loading the dishwasher. Like every time I load the dishwasher, unless I just run the cycle, so put them in, run the cycle, put them right away, Clint will actually say something to me. Oh, I hate it when you load the dishwasher that way. You don't load it correctly. The last time I knew there wasn't really a specific way you had to load the dishwasher, it was about loading it.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

I place certain things in certain ways. And if somebody comes behind me and puts things where I don't feel they belong, then it I will rearrange it before I start it. Right.

SPEAKER_02 4:19

But to be told that you're doing it ineptly, it's like I don't want to do that. So I will go, well, I will allow you to do that, but the problem with what we're talking about here is that then the other person doesn't take on a different tour to even it out. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_01 4:40

So we're actually weaponizing the incompetence or manipulating to get so everything is on that person, and you get to just lay back and relax.

SPEAKER_02 4:52

Yes. And you know, I'd like to say that it's evened out, and for a period of time it did seem like it was evening out, where couples really were doing a really good job at like navigating how equality could coexist within a relationship. But it seems like we're back to a trend where men think, and not always men, but a lot of time men come home and they're like, Oh, I've worked so hard, I'm you get the kids, you do dinner, and now I'm gonna go in the man cave and play video games for the next three hours, don't bother me. You know, and that can be that can be really devastating. Now is it always the men in the relationship? No, it's not. It women can do this too. But what I'm seeing is that trend of going backwards into this pattern of inequality within the relationship. Yeah. I work harder than you do, so therefore I can't do anything at home kind of thing.

SPEAKER_01 5:52

Yeah. You know, it makes sense to need to decompress after work, but for example, with like stay-at-home parents, when do they get to decompress? Because you're, you know, you're coming home and like, I need time, but meanwhile, the parent that's been at home has been dealing with the screening child and cleaning and doing X, Y, and Z all day, and they are in just as much need of decompression. And I don't think that we often recognize that, like, oh well, you're just you're at home. Like, it's not that big of a deal. What do you have to decompress? But if you've spent a whole day around scrangling children, you know, rambunctious kids, if you definitely need some time.

SPEAKER_02 6:44

Well, and that brings up another part of this, Sam, is that this incompetence can really take a huge step in the rearing of children. Oh, I don't know how to put a diaper on. It just seems way too complicated. You know, you've got to clean a certain way, you've got to you know, powder a certain way, you've gotta put the diaper on a certain way. I just I can't do it. That's that's way too complicated for me. And like we were like you were talking about right at the very start of this. Like this person may run a multimillion dollar company, and he can't figure out, or she can't figure out, because it goes both ways, how to caretake the child. Yeah. It really can become a really terrifyingly imbalanced piece of a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

And that makes for a difficult relationship. Like you can't have a harmonious relationship when there's resentments because of inequality, inequality, you know. How do you distinguish between genuine lack of knowledge and deliberate weaponized incompetence? Like, is there when you're seeing people, can you tell when they're just trying to manipulate versus when they actually genuinely need to learn how?

SPEAKER_02 8:12

Absolutely. And typically what we see if it's if it's a lack of knowledge, if that person really lacks the knowledge and they're not trying to weaponize it, they're eager to learn. They may be scared to learn, but they're still eager to learn to be a part of the relationship and be able to navigate how to be a complete partnership with their with their spouse or their their person. So that's a big sign. Are they willing to learn? I mean my ex-husband always like bragged to everyone that he never changed a diaper, he never cooked a meal, he never took care of anything. And how how is that being willing to like negotiate and and manage a a balanced relationship?

SPEAKER_00 9:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:11

It's just not and you know, for me, I feel sad for him because he missed the opportunity of learning to have those special moments because when you're doing some of those service-oriented things for someone, you build a a different relationship with them. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 9:31

Yeah. So it's the willingness. That's a big part about what underlying psychological factors, such as fear of failure, learned helplessness, or entitlement, usually drive someone to play dumb?

SPEAKER_02 9:50

So a lot of times it there can be a couple of things. A lot of times it can be that they were embarrassed as a child for not doing things right.

SPEAKER_00 10:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 10:02

So they want to step as far away from like not knowing how to do something because they feel really incompetent about learning and they don't feel safe enough to find somebody that will teach them in a manner that will help them feel comfortable and confident. So that's a big one. So that's you know, embarrassment is one of the biggest factors of why we do or don't do some things for a lot of people. Other things can be, you know, they had a traumatic experience with something, and so they don't know how to move past or through that to challenge themselves to learn how to to navigate it and and challenge their abilities to do it in a way that will feel safe or comfortable. So there's that piece as well. But another another piece of it is they may have a disorder. They may not be able to cognitively have that capacity to do whatever is being asked of them. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 11:13

At what point does feigning incompetence cross the line from a minor annoyance into like psychological manipulation or even emotional abuse? Because it is abuse. If you're putting all the load on somebody else, it can be emotionally abusive.

SPEAKER_02 11:38

Well, a lot of times people don't see it that way because they they would never consider themselves as a as as someone that was abusive. And so it is hard for people to look at that and say, well, that was abuse. But if we go back to the diaper changing and doing dishes or cooking a meal or anything like that, if one person if one person is tasked with all of that duty and other duties, so like for instance, I worked, I still took care of the kids, I still did all of those things when when my ex-husband wouldn't allow himself to engage with that. In fact, he he would tell the story to every one of his friends that he could. He's like, Oh, my my wife was at work and my daughter needed her diaper changed, and so I drove all the ways from here to my mother-in-law's house so my daughter could get her diaper changed. And instead of looking at that as like a failure on his part, he looked at it as like, Look at me, I figured things out and I was like this amazing person, instead of looking at how he then had manipulated his mother-in-law, he let his daughter sit in a nasty nappy for hours longer than she needed to, and that he missed the opportunity of growth. So and by by no means am I shaming him. He just didn't know any better. He didn't he didn't understand the opportunities that he was missing through it. But it also gets to a point where that is an imbalance and it creates a division of justice, it it creates a division of partnering with someone, and it creates an an abuse cycle that people get into because if you have if you have somebody that says, I work outside of the home, so you have to do everything inside of the home, like you were talking about a few minutes ago, when does that person get any downtime? And yet they don't get any recognition for what they do either. So one of the things I do for that in sessions is I will have them redistribute the marriage contract. And what I mean by that is put everything down on paper. What is in a marriage, what do we have to do? We have to take care of the kids, we have to pay pay all the bills, we have to do the laundry and cook the food and buy the food and shop for the food and you know, all of the pieces. Run the kids back and forth to this and that and all of those pieces. And what I have them do, if we're really struggling with what we're talking about here today, is put a number value or a financial value to everything each person does. Like if that person, like you were saying, uh the uh that feels like it's abused, they typically feel like they don't have any worth. Right? They're doing all this all this stuff, but it has no value because somebody else hasn't valued them. But typically what happens when we do that, it's stacked so far on the other side that the person that's going to work would never be able to pay the person that's staying at home for the jobs that they do. Mm-hmm. If they had to hire somebody else to do it. It's astronomically diff different in value. And so a lot of times what happens when we do that is that person can then see that as a manipulation factor. And they are then willing to change. But if we're not willing to change, the annoyance will still occur on both sides where the one partner is like, I'm tired of doing this, and the other partner's like, But I give you a great life, so just enjoy, right? You don't have to do much. If you've ever been at home with your child for a week and had to take care of every one of their needs, I promise you I would go to work every single day and let my husband stay home because it's a lot.

SPEAKER_01 16:01

Well, and it's just the ability to clock in and clock out. Like if you go to work, you have a certain time start time and a certain end time, and then the rest of the day is yours to do whatever. Right. And typically somebody staying at home doesn't have that start or stop time because they're always there, and so and once the other person comes home, then they're taking care of their needs too, or letting them decompress, and so really like you don't get that stop and stuff start start and stop time.

SPEAKER_02 16:37

So well, and if you've ever watched whoever really like take takes care of things, and it can it can vary, it can be the the man that stays home, it can be the woman that stays home. You ever seen them go, Okay, I'm going to bed now, you follow them. They don't just go in and lay down and go to sleep. They're finishing the laundry, they're soaking the dishes, they're putting the dog away, they're you know, they're all along the way, and about half hour to an hour later, that's when they finally get into bed and their partner like, I thought you were going to bed.

SPEAKER_01 17:09

Yeah. Well, and also have you seen there's like there was a trend a while ago of people doing videos like for the non what is it called?

SPEAKER_02 17:22

When the parents the non-custodial.

SPEAKER_01 17:24

No, no, no. Or the primary caregiver. Yeah, the non-primary one is like is home with the kids and he's in the same room, he or she's in the same room with the kids, and the kid will literally get up and yell across the house and as they're searching, Mom, and it'll show like mom's in the shower, dad's in the living room with the kids, and the kids will go, Hey mom, I need my orange juice open, hey mom, I need this, hey mom, like just because they're not the the primary parent. Yeah, and so even when that person is trying to give the other person some time, like you know, it just doesn't always work out. Absolutely. What are the most effective communication strategies to confront someone about the behavior without them becoming defensive or shutting down? Like if my partner is consistently making me feel like I'm doing a hundred percent of the kids, the house, the cooking, the cleaning, everything, and that you know, how can we communicate in a effective way?

SPEAKER_02 18:44

Well, number one thing is that we have to look at nobody can make us do anything. We've they've taught us how to treat them. And we treat them the way they're allow allowing to be treated. That's the first thing to recognize. If you want change to occur, we have to reestablish our worth and our value. The second part is is not allowing anybody to disrespect you, no matter what, yourself included. And the third really big step for the communication is there's so many different communication techniques and skills that you can learn by going to therapy and having a couple's therapist or a therapist teach you how to communicate effectively so that you are not in a place where you're just getting heated and your cognitive brain is shutting down. You're able to actually like have those back and forth trying to figure out how to navigate, how to share what you're really feeling being validated and working it through so both of you feel heard, seen, and valued. So it's not something typically that we can learn how to do by ourselves. We need help. Yeah, we need a therapist's help. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 20:03

What steps can a couple take together to build new equitable expectations and ensure both parties take equal responsibility? I know. We talked about the marriage contract.

SPEAKER_02 20:16

So the marriage contract is probably the first step that I always ask people to do. We need to redefine it. And doing that was where we're breaking it down where they're both seeing the value of what each other's doing, and then noticing that like that's gonna have to reevaluate depending on what the circumstances and situation is that's going on in your home. Because there's a lot of times where one person will carry more of a load, and then they just continue carrying it because the other person couldn't, and they don't redistribute it. So then it creates that imbalance, and then they get resentments and they just start like really having a lot of communication problems and a lot of value problems, and the other person doesn't understand it because the person's been carrying it for so long that they're like, but what? Well, like this is what's working for us.

SPEAKER_01 21:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:14

Does that make sense? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

I think that's a a really great idea to do at the start, because I've never personally like before my marriage, I never like, oh, I'm gonna be doing this, you're gonna have this role. Like it was never discussed discussed, and I think I went into it with my idea of how it would go, and he went into it with his idea of how it would go, and they don't always necessarily match.

SPEAKER_02 21:40

More often than not, they don't match.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

Yeah, so I think that's a great idea, even before you get to this point. Like if you're gonna be moving in together or getting married, like discuss those things beforehand, and as things change and as you have kids and you add different things into the mix, you can relook.

SPEAKER_02 22:01

Mm-hmm. Relook. Well, and it's important to even address what having children looks like, who's staying home, who's staying at work. Because it doesn't always work for the mom to be that person. I know there was a period of time in in my relationship with Clint that Clint was a stay-at-home dad. He loved it. He absolutely loved it. I'd come home from work and I'd be like, What'd you guys do today? He's like, We watched Barney four times, we had a nap, we had a snack, we did clean up, clean up, everybody do your share. Like we just rocked it today. You know, it doesn't have to be one person or another. It it can it can switch and change as the circumstances of the family switch and change. Yeah. So it is a really great place to start and continue. Yeah. I s I s I always suggest twice a year to reevaluate more if needed.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

Very good. Recognizing weaponized incompetence for what it is and openly acknowledging the underlying imbalance are the crucial first steps towards meaningful change. By effectively communicating these frustrations and establishing equitable expectations, couples can dismantle toxic patterns. This shift ensures both partners take shared responsibility for the household, ultimately transforming a stressful dynamic into a healthier, balanced, and happier partnership. On Friday, we will be covering another side of weaponized incompetence with our conversation about the overfunctioning trap. So be sure to tune in. We'll see you then.