Weaponized Incompetence- The Over Functioning Trap

When one partner feigns inability or ignorance to successfully offload labor, be it emotional, mental, or domestic, it forces the other partner into an over-functioning parental role within the relationship which is like poison to a relationship. In this episode we discuss how this occurs and how you can break the cycle. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Weaponized incompetence is a slow-acting poison to intimacy. I'm your host, Shalee. And I'm your co-host, Sam.

SPEAKER_01 0:08

And you're listening to Pathway to Empowerment, where we believe in thriving, not surviving.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

By feigning inability or ignorance, one partner successfully offloads domestic and emotional labor, forcing the other into a parental role. This toxic overfunctioning inevitably breeds resentment and physical burnout, while actively trapping the less capable partner in a state of destructive dependency. This dynamic slowly erodes the relationship into a parent-child structure, ultimately destroying the foundation of mutual respect required for a healthy partnership. Today we're going to explore some examples and take a deep dive into the overfunctioning trap that occurs for the partner on the receiving end of weaponized incompetence. Shali, do you see this often in your practice?

SPEAKER_01 1:16

This is a pattern that partners can get into very easily when you have a person that is a pleaser. They or a yes person, right? They need that validation. And so they will overstep at first in the relationship. The partner actually gets really comfortable with having them overstep because then they don't have to do as much.

SPEAKER_02 1:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

And then it becomes this pattern. And then what happens is just like you said, the that partner that's always giving giving to the other one gets to where they start building resentments. The other person is now like, Why are you mad? You started this. Like I'm just on the receiving end. I don't understand why you're mad. And it creates a toxic environment and one that can really take a long time to get back out of. Because by the time the person's built that resentment, it could be months or years into the relationship.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

Do you think it always starts off that way where it's just like that person automatically overgiving? Or do you think it sometimes can be as a result of the other person's weaponized incompetence?

SPEAKER_01 2:37

Is it both things, or it can be both, but a lot of times it really is about this person's need to be validated and feel like they are they are helping the person, like they are needed. And that can come from many different parts and pieces for that person. It could be a trauma that they had, it could be a part of a mental health diagnosis, right? Or meant, you know, some personality disorder that they have. Could be a lot of excuse me, it could be a lot of differing things with that, but typically it's it's not just one thing. Typically it can become quite a few things by the end of it. Does that make sense? And at first, the other person doesn't want to be babied or taken care of the way they are, but it gets really comfortable sometimes for that other partner to be like, oh, this feels nice, this feels really good. And so they take take more and take more and take more until they themselves are not competent in doing for themselves. And then when they want or need more from the person who has been given giving to them, it it can create that resentment pattern. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

And you said it can be a result of somebody being like a people pleaser. Does that aspect come from like their past experiences or traumas and it's bringing into their current relationships, like their upbringing, they had to be a people pleaser or taught that they had to manage everyone else's emotions or tasks to be safe from whatever trauma that occurred in the household.

SPEAKER_01 4:39

So a lot of times it is from the way they were brought up or the feeling of not being enough, so that they feel like they have to give and give and give. It can also be, like I said, it can be from a lot of differing things. But if it is from like a past feeling not good enough, it typically will stem almost from someone significant in their life not giving to them the things they need. And so they want to make sure that they're gifting that to someone else because they needed it. So for instance, like for me, I know I'm really, really anal about this piece because of my growing up. I'm a fair person. Like with all my children, it all had to be fair. I would count out the colors and the pieces, and everything had to be. If this child got six pieces, this child got six pieces. If they were pink, yellow, and blue, they were each two, two, and two. Like nobody got the differing colors, nobody got the differing amounts. And if there was extra, usually they were. They either went to someone else or they got put in a pile that was just for everyone. Does that make sense? So when we have things like this, it usually stems from a trauma from our past or need to feel that we are getting the equal amount of or being considered at uh from a certain standpoint. And so when we have a person that's a pleaser or needs to give, a lot of times that's because they didn't get.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

Gotcha. Okay. How can we stop the underfunctioning, overfunctioning cycle after it's been created by a partnership? Is there a way to stop it in its tracks and go back to a more equal foundation?

SPEAKER_01 6:37

Well, what I typically see with this, Sam, is that by the time we've reached a point where someone knows that it's a problem in the behavior in their relationship, the behaviors that they're seeing, it's going to take some work from a therapist to help them navigate back to a safe place where they're actually able to have equal footing in the relationship. But even having said that, more often than not, what I see when they come to see me is they look at me as I'm assessing them. And the person that may be the taker in the relationship actually feels like they have to protect the giver. So they try to balance it out and make it so it's not a big deal or like it's not something that is problematic in their relationship. And that will last usually until they feel really comfortable with me, and then the truth starts coming out, and you see the resentments and you see the pieces that they really didn't want you to see because they're they're hiding behind each other so that the dysfunction doesn't show. Does that make sense? So it really that's probably the hardest part for me is getting them to a place where they're willing to be vulnerable to open up the view and know that I'm not judging them for what they're doing, but rather trying to get a clear view of it so we know what to do with it to help them renavigate and rebalance the relationship so it isn't toxic anymore. So one person isn't getting and the other one always giving. But we do find in relationships a lot that there's typically a giver and a receiver. Sometimes just not as toxic as we're talking about today.

SPEAKER_00 8:32

Yeah. Okay. What about with like once you've set the once you've talked with them and helped them set the boundaries like, hey, this person's gonna help with this or whatever, how can they navigate those boundaries themselves without your having to intervene all the time? So Is it like a big long learning curve as well?

SPEAKER_01 9:02

Yes. So typically what happens is we're into it a couple of months before they open that and feel comfortable sharing really what's going on with the relationship. So I'm trying to assess how deeply rooted some of the dysfunction really can be in the relationship because they're protecting each other. They don't want, they don't want the outside world to judge either one of them. So they're hiding behind each other in in this dance that makes it difficult for the world to see what truly is going on. Now, families even can question that because they they do that with family members as well. Because family members are usually like, Why are you doing that for him? Why are you doing that for her? What she can do that herself. Why are you always doing X, Y, or Z?

SPEAKER_02 9:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:00

Allow them to do it. And so they will hide even behind each other that way. So family doesn't know the real root of the problem in their relationship. They can just see there's dysfunction there, usually, and they don't know what that dysfunction really is because neither one of them are able to navigate it openly to seek true help. So it does take a lot of time and effort to get to a place where we're really able to say, okay, so we're gonna take this step by step. So typically what I do with couples, or even if it's just an individual that comes to me and says, Hey, like I have this problem. He's doing everything for me, or I'm doing everything for him, whatever that looks like. What we typically what I typically do with them is we we break it down in very, very bite-sized pieces. Because you know, the saying goes, how do you eat an elephant? One you haven't heard of one bite at a time. Yeah, one bite at a time. So that's how that's how we change things. We have to change them sometimes so minutely that it feels so redundant. But again, how do we how do we as individuals learn something through repetition, through repetition, repetition, repetition? And so when we finally master that piece, then we can move to the next piece. And it's so slowly sometimes that a lot of times I'll have people say, Hey, I don't know if I'm making any progress or not. I can't see it. And so then we have to really open the viewfinder up and go, okay, remember when you were doing this? You're are you doing that now? And they're like, No.

SPEAKER_00 11:55

Sometimes it really does take somebody else pointing out your progress for you to even see it at all.

SPEAKER_01 12:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:04

I feel like we minimize our progress a lot of the time.

SPEAKER_01 12:07

Well, not only that, but if you're if you're really in the depths of really difficult change, you want it to be minutely so that it actually takes root and grows. So that you're actually mastering all the parts of it so it becomes your routine instead of just something you're trying to implement.

SPEAKER_02 12:28

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Does that make sense? Yeah, it does.

SPEAKER_00 12:31

How can I manage my own anxiety triggers and perfectionism so that I can just allow things to go undone? If I'm if I'm say the the doer and the giver of the relationship and my partner is just the taker or and or does the weaponized incompetent stuff, how can I stop overfunctioning and allow myself to let things go undone or not be done correctly and so I so that I can stop the cycle?

SPEAKER_01 13:09

So again, that minute movement is vital for this portion. Say for instance, excuse me, say for instance, you're you're one that has to have your kitchen immaculately cleaned. I love an immaculately cleaned kitchen, but I also have teenagers who are responsible for cleaning kitchen. So am I going to have an immaculately clean kitchen or am I going to allow my child to learn how to do that at their level without trying to fix it so they they don't get the message? Because what happens, let me back up here. What happens if I go in and fix something? The message my child receives is I'm not good enough, I'm not capable, and they're always gonna fix it anyway. So why why try? Does that resonate? And so if we're going to challenge that, we have to be willing to go, okay, this is a learning curve for me, and it's a learning curve for this person. It can be really challenging depending on what it is for us to sit still and watch something. Especially it seems like as mothers, dads seem to have an easier time with this than moms do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:41

For me, I feel like, you know, the time because I do, I just take over the whole house. I just make sure it's all clean. And then I'm when I do try to implement chores or something, like my kids are like, what the heck? Why are we having to do it now? Like, as if it's a punishment because they've never had to do it, because I always just do it. Right. But when I do try to let things be and let them do it, I I get panicky sometimes, like if there's a huge mess or it feels like a mess to me. I get to feeling like the room's closing in on me. There's too much going on anxiety. Anxiety with mess.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

So the the trick with that one, Sam, is this we teach. So you let them do it. They say, Oh, come down, and you go in and you say, Okay, this looks amazing for what you know how to do. Now let's show you how to do it a little bit deeper. So that next time you'll have a better understanding of how to do it a little bit differently. And when you do it that way, if you do it correctly, they will understand that. Now, will they always do it? No. In fact, my kids will come to me and say, Okay, I did my chores, and I'll say, Okay, is it is it really clean? And they'll say, Well, it's my clean, it's not your clean. And so then you have to go, is their clean gonna be good enough for me today? And there's gonna be times where you have to say, Okay, that's great, thank you. And then when you go in and you check, because you're not gonna be pleased, because that anxiety is gonna start showing up, that's where you start noticing some of the the littler details. And so then you can say next time, hey, remember that like remember when you're doing it to make sure you wash around the sink too, like scrub the sink and r rinse it out, or whatever they had missed, right? So that they're going, oh, yeah, I would have forgot that. And so it's it's a teaching moment instead of oh, I'm not doing it right, yeah. So again, really, really trick, tricky, tricky, tricky to use the right verbiage and the right tone and the way you're saying it and doing it, so they they see it as a learning instead of I'm just not doing it correctly.

SPEAKER_00 17:18

And then as far as managing my anxiety with it, just some of some grounding techniques or so, first and foremost, you have to know.

SPEAKER_01 17:27

Like I know for me, I have some things that I just have to walk past. I have to breathe and walk past because I know that it's gonna shoot my blood pressure straight to the roof, and I'm not gonna be able to handle the anxiety. So when I when I know that they haven't bent, because let's be honest, my clean is not going to be my child's queen, and we have to learn how to navigate that sometimes. So I know that when I get it, if I'm coming in from the garage to the kitchen, I do some breathing techniques, I don't look to the right, I don't look to the left, I just look straight forward and move past it so that I don't have that anxiety or go straight to anger or frustration. Does that make sense to you? Because as parents, we typically, when things aren't done correctly and we're gonna get anxiety about it, we tend to go to anger or frustration instead. And so it really is about what can you do so that you can kind of tune that noise out and just thank them for what they did do. Because the more that you thank them, the easier it is to get them to do something. One of my suggestions with this is what we call in our house. We do, we actually do a family council, and when we meet for a family council, the number one thing we do right off the bat is we do what's called caught doing goods. So each person has to share what they caught everybody doing that was good. Because for most of us, we focus on that you didn't do this correctly, you didn't do this correctly, you didn't do this, you missed that, you blah blah blah blah blah. Instead of like, hey, I noticed that you helped your little sister today when she was struggling with tying your shoe, right? Or great job for putting your clothes in the washer today. And so those things go a long way when you're building that resilience for somebody that's has that inept belief about themselves that they can't do something. More often than not, it's hard to get past that. Now I'm gonna share a funny story of when I was when I was younger, I got married the first time I got married really young. And there was another couple that were they got married really young too. And we had dinner together. And when we went to dinner the my one of my my friend, right, she had cooked dinner, and I looked at it and I thought maybe we were gonna get salmonella poisoning because it didn't it was chicken and it definitely didn't look cooked enough. And she'd made Kool-Aid, and so I'm thinking, I'm not eating the chicken, I don't want to die. So I took a drink of the Kool-Aid and she forgot to put sugar in it. So it was just bit like I don't know if you've ever tried Kool-Aid and water together, but it's bitter. And instead of instead of like belittling her or being mean, I just said, hey, you know what? I like my my chicken a little bit crispier. Can anybody else want theirs thrown back in for a couple minutes? And so we j I just took it as helping her alone a little bit because she was in tears by then. Like she knew the chicken wasn't cooked, she knew the, you know, and so instead of instead of building that incompetency feeling, we just rallied around her and helped teach her how to do it a little bit differently. Now, sadly, that relationship didn't last for many reasons, but the incompetency that she had because her parents did everything for her was really sad. And it was hard because her partner did have to do everything. And it just it it ended up derailing their relationship. But it doesn't have to if we take take those moments and we teach or we go to therapy, but we're talking about this was I mean, in the 80s when therapy was not a thing we did. We hardly anybody went to therapy at that time.

unknown 21:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:57

So teaching is is a really vital aspect of it, and we can do that with our kids by the cot doing rights and helping them build that that proud, happy feeling that you're noticing the things that they are doing.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

Well, even with your partner, that goes a long way. Like if I'm having a bad day and feeling like I'm doing everything, if somebody were to come in and be like, wow, thanks for doing that. Like yeah, it does go a long way. Yeah, you don't feel like an invisible just Man, I really appreciate you.

SPEAKER_01 22:29

You're amazing. Thanks for doing that. Yeah, yeah. Super important.

SPEAKER_00 22:35

By establishing firm boundaries, actively addressing your personal triggers, and dismantling your own perfectionism, you can break the destructive cycle of overfunctioning. This inner work empowers you to stop compensating for weaponized incompetence, shifting the dynamic so that your partner can take equal responsibility for the relationship. We hope today's episode will help you to thrive within your relationship. If you'd like more personalized guidance, book a couple session with Shelley. She's an incredible therapist. Click the link below if you have any suggestions on future topics that you want covered. And join us on Monday for our first episode on evasive conversational tactics as we discuss deflective defensiveness. We'll see you next time.