166 The Most Efficient Goal Strategy - High Desire in a Relaxed Way

If you’re stagnating with your goals it might be due to this missing piece: High desire in a relaxed way.  Low desire - you don’t get there.

High desire but stressed out? Either it’s not sustainable or just misery.

You’ll learn:

• 6 Specific strategies on how to tend to your desire today
• What a “relaxed way” actually looks like and subtle or unseen impediments that make it harder than it needs to be

• Shape Shift Program LEARN MORE
• Instagram: @mindful_shape
• Free Self Coaching Resources
• Interested in getting coached by me? Go to my website mindfulshape.com

Transcript

This transcript was auto-generated, please forgive any weirdness.

 Hi, and welcome to The Mindful Shape Podcast. I'm Paula Parker, and my work is here to offer you specialized mind and body practices to shift into the next version of you, one in which you feel in charge around food. Great in your body and more connected to yourself. So today I wanna talk about what I think is a very efficient, maybe the most efficient strategy when it comes to achieving your goal, which is high desire in a relaxed way.

So if you are missing either of these components, it might be the reason why you are not achieving a specific goal. Maybe there's low desire, so. You are just not willing to do the hard stuff, do the things that it will require of you to get there. So there's gonna be some change required. Otherwise it would've been easy enough for you to already have achieved.

So there might be skills that you need to learn. There might be some qualities that you need to cultivate. There might be some thought errors getting in your way that you need to shift, and then you would be willing to do the, you know, hard work of. Being able to do the things that are required to achieve the goal.

The second component of that is maybe you do have the high desire, but you're really stressed out about it. So you don't do it in a relaxed way, but in a very white, knuckling way. So this is not sustainable, and you know you're doing this when the whole time it just feels like a drag. Like it just feels like misery.

There's no sense of aliveness. It's just flat. You're doing your goal because you think you should. Not because there's that aliveness and you, you are feeling very compelled by it. It doesn't mean that there's gonna be some days where you just really don't feel like doing it, but overall, you're able to tap into that, right?

So you're doing it in a very stressed out way. So you can apply this to really any goal that you have, whether it's a body goal, so you wanna release some weight, you wanna get toned, you wanna get fit, or maybe it's. Some kind of like fitness goal that you have. Really anything. You could apply it to your relationship with food.

Maybe you want to think about food less or you want to eat healthy, or you want to be tracking or planning or anything like that. And when, especially when it comes to body goals. This is gonna be challenging, and you might find yourself thinking, well, maybe I don't want it badly enough because I'm not doing what it takes.

If I really wanted it, then I would be doing it. And I don't think that's entirely true, but it could point to something useful that your initial desire is really high, but then you are not tending to it. So that's what I wanna talk about today.

  How to feed it, how to nurture it. When you drift from it, because I think drifting from your initial goal is very natural. Life gets in the way. We get busy, we get sidetracked, the motivation dies down. It's all very natural, but it's our job. And I would say this is an opportunity to learn the skill of getting back into momentum.

And so that's why, you know, a structure like a program, a coaching program, or any kind of program that you're in, where you have some sort of built in accountability, it's always self-accountability, but maybe there's some. Other people supporting you that can be very effective rather than just doing it by yourself because that structure is built in, it almost forces you.

You don't have to think about it, you are just tapping in. So let's talk about otherwise, you know, how you can nurture or even generate that high desire. The first point I wanna make is I think we need to relearn how to want, how do you want things now? It could be just by default, right? Are you choosing what to want?

Is it conscious choice? You might wanna take inventory. How much time are you spending wanting? Things that don't serve you wanting maybe to watch TV or I'm thinking of love is Blind. I always watch it. I always tell myself every season I'm not gonna watch it, and then I always end up watching it. So it's like, how much time are you wanting?

That kind of thing. How much time are you wanting chocolate or popcorn or chips are you wasting energy wanting things that don't serve you? And you're using up that desire, that energetic fuel towards wanting that versus wanting a stronger body more connection with your partner, a holiday, anything like that.

Or it could be a project or business venture. Whatever you deem worthy of your. Energy. I did an episode called Directing Your Desire. So if you are interested in exploring this concept a little bit more further, I would guide you towards that. It's one 30, number one 30, directing your desire. And I talk about what do we do with all this over desire that we have for food.

When we stop overeating, it needs to go somewhere. And so I encourage you to be very conscious about this process, know that it's coming, be very proactive about it. Otherwise we might subconsciously. Choose things by default.

So wanting is a active process. You wanna be thinking about fanning, that flame of desire, tapping in what are the restorative practices, the rituals, the things that for you help you. Cultivate that desire where you really feel it. And how often are you doing that? I don't think most of us we're busy.

Right? Most of us are not prioritizing this. We set the goal, we set out the plan, but what is. Oftentimes missing from the plan is that emotional resonance of desire, and that is gonna be the emotional fuel that's gonna help you do the tough stuff. Okay, so just check in with yourself. The next point I have is what is your relationship like with the version of you who has already achieved the goal?

I'm gonna say that again. What's the relationship? That you have with the version of you who has already achieved your goal. So there's a relationship with this new identity, and you can imagine that it's like any other relationship if you. Care about the relationship. You are going to tend to the relationship.

You're gonna think about her, you're gonna regard her. You're going to maybe do stuff that you don't really feel like doing in the moment because you are committed to that relationship. It's like most of the stuff I do for my kids, I'm not really loving doing it, right. There's a lot of moving the stuff from downstairs to upstairs.

There's a ton of laundry. There's a ton of tidying up. I don't love doing any of that, but of course I'm committed to our home environment. I'm committing to them having clean clothes. I'm committed to them, so I'm able to do it. What is that based on?

It's based on the relationship that I have to my family. So think about that. Think about what is the relationship that you have with . That new identity, your future self, how often do you think about her? We know that if we look at your, even your personal relationships, like your closest friendships, even if you're not able to text them all the time or call them all the time, of course that helps.

Just you thinking about them. It bonds you, it connects you, right? You feel connected to them. I have a girlfriend who lives in Vancouver, in the city I used to live in years ago, and she has two little kids. I have two little kids. We play a lot of phone tag. I see her updates on Instagram, but we don't talk as much as I would love.

I still feel super connected to her, why? Because of my loving thoughts towards her, 'cause of our shared memories. I have that connection with her. And I say that just to remind you that. The relationship doesn't come necessarily from the circumstance.

So for example, , I don't see my friend very often. I don't even talk to her very often, but I still feel like we are close friends. I'm in close connection with her because of my thoughts and my feelings. All right, so that's available. So think of your new identity, your future self as that. How can you love on her?

How can you do what you need to do today to support her?

Next point is that we really wanna get clear on why we want the goals we want. Most of us want goals for personal pleasure in some form or another, so this might be a great opportunity to get clear on that. What will be different physically? So oftentimes if you have a physical goal, your clothes are gonna fit differently.

There's gonna be. A lightness, an ease in your body, maybe less pain on your joints. You will be able to engage in activity more or more often, or the activity that you love doing yoga is gonna feel differently for you. So there's some physicality to it. There's gonna be a difference in your body.

What is that going to be? You wanna tap into what will be different emotionally? So oftentimes for my clients, it's more confidence. It's more self-compassion. It's more. Feelings of connection to their body and to themselves. It's oftentimes a feeling of being proud of yourself or feeling in charge.

Having that self authority of knowing you can walk into any situation and you have your own back. You're not gonna overeat, you're not gonna betray yourself in that way. And then what are the qualities or characteristics that you get to develop along the way just by having the goal? So this could be more resilience.

I mentioned self authority. Sometimes people use the word self-control, which I don't love. Maybe you have a really positive connection with terms like discipline or self-control. I prefer self authority, so just something to consider there in terms of your language, which resonates for you. I don't think either are better or worse is just what resonates for you.

I love thinking of myself as somebody with self authority, growing into that even more.

Another thing that might come up for you is do you need permission to really go for what you want? You might not think that this is getting in your way. It might be unseen, but if you dig a little deeper, you might notice that you are reluctant to prioritize it. You are reluctant to leave work early or arrive at work a little bit late

so that you can get to the gym or you know, maybe you need to take a longer lunch. Is there any part of you who judges yourself for a weight loss goal? And you need to own it, and you need to give yourself permission? I've talked about this before, where there's always this weird paradox in which there can be some shame or there can be some ideas that it's selfish or that it's vain to want to lose weight, and I think that's very normal because there's been this real, you know, rise of body positivity, which I think is awesome and I think we need it. But then there can also be, I think with that came a lot of shaming for wanting to change your body. And so there's a lot of mixed messages that as humans we are impacted by, like we are not immune to that.

If we know anything about the brain, we know that we are picking up on a lot of subliminal information. If not. Direct messages. So there can be a lot of, you know, murky stuff there around not getting too thin or not getting too big for your britches or all of that kind of stuff. So just you wanna be aware, is that coming up for you?

That could potentially be getting in your way without you even knowing. And holding you back from what you're really capable of. I did a whole podcast episode on this called Giving Yourself Permission. It's one 18, so you can check that out. If you suspect there might be a little bit of this coming up where you judge a little bit, you think it's vain or selfish or superficial, or you shouldn't want this, right.

If you have any of that, that might be a helpful podcast just to go back to. Another thing that you can do to generate some high desire is to really spend some time thinking about how might your success potentially benefit others. So if you felt at your optimal state with your body, how would that impact how you show up at work?

With your family, with your partner out, with your friends, how might you feel more connected to them? Because really you are more connected to yourself. You might be less self-conscious, you might be more uninhibited, you might be less insecure. Spend some time thinking about how your goal could benefit others.

In your inner circle, but also challenge yourself to think, how could this benefit everyone? Everyone that I interact with, what might my mood be? What might my level of compassion be like? When we really understand the reasons for overeating and why we do what we do, we have so much more compassion for other people who not only struggle with their weight, but also struggle in

any area in which we turn to. An external source to bypass any negative emotion. It's like we have this new level of awareness and understanding, and therefore we can cultivate so much compassion for them.

When I was doing a lot of yoga, there was a class that I went to a lot and this instructor loved back bridges, back bends, and. We would do, I don't know, we would do a lot in a row. And then at the very end he would say, okay, you have one more. And everyone's like, exhausted and there's like 50 people in the class and we're like sweating and there's sweat dripping everywhere.

And he says, okay, this time I want you to think of somebody that you really care about. And this could be an animal, it could be somebody close to you. It's just anybody that you really care about. And then you are gonna be doing this backend for them. And what I noticed is that anytime I did that, somehow I found the strength.

Somehow I found the power to do it. So you might be surprised at what you are capable of when you have someone else that you care about as part of your purpose of doing this. So how can you call them in to ignite that fire, to make that desire high for you? Let's now shift gears and talk about what a relaxed way might mean or might look like for you.

So I have a couple of notes here. One is that I think it's important to detach our worthiness. Oftentimes, whenever you are feeling really exhausted. When it comes to your goal, it's a clue that it is what I think of as a am I worthy goal, right? So it's, some people call this like a ego-driven goal. We get exhausted when we attach our worthiness to achieving our goal.

Just like permission, this can be a really sneaky one where we don't think we're doing it, but we are really doing it. This can be like, okay, if you think about not achieving your goal, it scares the life outta you, right? Like you think. If you don't achieve your goal, it's just gonna be disastrous.

Like you won't love yourself. You're just gonna reject yourself. You're gonna withhold any kind of feelings of pride or love or self-compassion or anything because you are attaching your sense of worthiness to your goal. If I don't achieve this goal, then something negative about you, you're not worthy,

ultimately, at the core, at the foundation, it's typically about worthiness. What if. You could get to a place where you were good either way. I often think about this in terms of dating because I think that was an area in my life personally that was always pretty easy for me, and I dated a lot, so I was on the rollercoaster, the emotional rollercoaster of dating.

But more than any other area of my life, I always felt solid and I think fundamentally because it was not. Attached to any kind of worthiness on my part. So I truly always felt like I was good either way. I was good with him, I was good without him, but I knew I loved being single. So like worst case scenario for me was great.

So I really always felt that sense of confidence. And I think, you know, looking back that really attributed to a really great experience of dating and being in relationship with different, all different types of people. So. If you haven't reached your goal yet, consider that you are already living your worst case scenario.

Okay, so this is, this is an epiphany that I had because I was really scared about not achieving some of my goals. And I thought, man, if I, if I don't achieve this goal, like it's gonna be terrible. And then it occurred to me, well, actually I haven't achieved it yet, so I'm already living the worst case scenario.

And on a day-to-day basis, I have to say I am regularly experiencing peace. Enjoy and confidence and all of those things that I really want. So it'll be a bonus if I achieve the goal. But notice in your life right now, even if you're not, you know, as strong as you would like, or even if you think about food more than you would like, or you're not at your goal weight, what are you experiencing now regularly already, even without the goal that you are seeking more of?

Because I guarantee that you are experiencing them now. So. I hope that helps in terms of you are good either way. How do we know? Because you haven't achieved it and you're good, right? Of course you want it, but you're good. You have everything you need in terms of in this present moment, right?

And if you never do it, if you never achieve that goal in this entire lifetime, all of that is still accessible.

If that's the case, then how can going for the goal, the process in and of itself, improve your life when you're more focused on the process and what you are learning along the way, how you're growing? Maybe that's, as I mentioned a lot so far, that self-compassion piece, that resilience piece, the focus you're cultivating as part of.

Your personality stepping into that new identity that you otherwise might not have. So again, we're going back to this. It doesn't necessarily mean you're gonna hit that goal, but how are you better off just by simply having that goal in the first place? There's two more points here. This other thing is, what I always recommend is if you are having a lot of resistance or having a hard time getting on board, it feels like a should type of goal.

Try an experimental approach. So I run a program every now and then. It's called experiment, and this is the whole ethos of it, which is how do we get ourselves to do hard things? We need lightness, we need gentleness. It doesn't mean we don't take it seriously. We do, we track it. We are intentional about it.

We try things that stretch us and that are, that are challenging, and also it's just an experiment. So we're just trying. We're just doing it to learn and grow and see what happens. So see if you can. Take off the pressure a little bit and be more relaxed by adopting an experiment that might be more of a strategy related thing.

Like, I'm gonna track my food for three days and see what comes up, see what I can learn. It might be I'm going to try electrolytes and I'm gonna try to befriend hunger just as an experiment, just for one day and then the last point I have about this is I really wanna encourage you to not pathologize your eating habits.

This might be a little bit of a contrarian view from mainstream psychology because we have a tendency to do this, which is label things. So again, this is clearly my opinion, and you get to decide what you think about this and what serves you and what you wanna ascribe to. And consider avoiding terms like disordered eating, binge eating, orthorexia, emotional eater.

Stop calling yourself that. Okay? So any labels that confine you to a behavior that doesn't serve you. So separate yourself from the behavior. Why? Because we wanna remember that fundamentally what's going on here is. Thoughts about food that generate some over desire and permissiveness that lead to the behavior of eating, in this case, more food than your body needs.

And again, we know our brains are wired to overindulge. Our brains are wired to get hijacked on sugar and flour, so of course it's hard. I don't think using terms like disordered eating or emotional eater, when we ascribe to them, we take them on as an identity. I don't think that serves us. You check it out for yourself and you think, but I would just offer, you could let that go.

Don't pathologize your eating habits. Okay, so I'm just gonna summarize what I went over today so that you have it top of mind. We are doing high desire in a relaxed way. You wanna be intentional with what you want. Wanting is a verb. Cultivate a healthy, loving relationship with your new identity. The person, the version of you who already has what you want.

You get clear on why you want the goal that you want, and give yourself permission to want what you want, knowing that it is meant for you. Otherwise you wouldn't want it. Ask, how might your success potentially benefit us all? Detach your worthiness. This is not about your worthiness. You can't alter that in any way.

You were just born with your worthiness card. Develop a experimental approach. So what is, what's part of this process? You want to be permanent. What's temporary and that you can play with maybe in terms of your strategy. And don't pathologize this whole thing. So see if you can lessen the heaviness and the pressure.

It's not, you know, binge eating disorder or whatever, it's simply food in mouth. It doesn't mean you're a damaged person because you ate a package of chips. Okay? All right, so that's your summary. I just wanna remind you, there are always ways to work with me in one way or another. So if this is resonating with you, please reach out or go to my website, mindful shape.com for more resources. I hope this was helpful and I'll talk again soon. Bye.