185 - How to Lead Yourself Instead of Fighting Yourself

If you often feel like there’s a battle raging inside your head in which you want to make your body and health goals happen buuuuut your brain is also offering up a million reasons why you should indulge right now, this episode is for you. 

You’ll learn:

• How to re-code urges and cravings to overeat and overdrink so you stop feeling bad about yourself.
• The best method to use when you’re the food is calling your name and you feel out of control
• What to focus on while you’re becoming the person who does

• Instagram: @mindful_shape
• Get the FREE Building Momentum 4 Part Video Training
• Free Self Coaching Resources
• Interested in getting coached by me? Go to my website mindfulshape.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, and welcome to the Mindful Shape Podcast. My name is Paula Parker, and this podcast is really designed to give you some practical tools, frameworks, and some mindset resets so that you can really become the best version of yourself. One in which you feel very in charge when it comes to food and alcohol, and you can really be in the desired body that you most want to be in. So today I'm going to talk about how you can lead yourself versus feeling like you were in a battle with yourself when it comes to food or alcohol. So you know that moment when you've made a plan, but then there comes that heated moment when you really have to make a call. It's should I have another glass of wine? Should I make some popcorn? Should I go for a second, even though that is not part of my plan, or that's not the off-the-meal plan, or whatever strategy you have for releasing excess weight. There's that moment, everybody knows that critical moment. And there's three ways to respond to that moment. One is just to say, okay, screw it, and you comply and you eat or drink. The other is to white knuckle your way through. I think of this as resistance. It feels very tight, it feels very constricted. That's the battle feeling where there's like a lot of tension and maybe you're ruminating or you're going back and forth in your brain and you can't decide, and it kind of feels like torture. And then there is allowing. So let's talk about how to lead yourself so that you can allow that situation to be in that moment so that you follow through on your plan. So think of the last time that maybe you had a moment like this. Maybe it was, you know, three o'clock and you weren't super hungry, but you were kind of hungry, you could eat, and someone was eating in front of you and offered you food and you were waffling back and forth. Or maybe you found yourself perusing the cupboard and just kind of standing there feeling like you needed something, but you didn't really know what you needed, and nothing seemed to satisfy. Or you allowed yourself to have something, maybe it was even something off plan, like a muffin or cheese and crackers or something. And then you notice yourself going back for just a little bit more of that muffin, or a little bit of the next one, and then you think, well, I'll just finish it off because I've already started it. All of these moments are the decision moments where you have an opportunity to really lead yourself rather than to be in that battle. So what we want for you in this moment is to really feel like you are in charge, regardless of just the decision that you make, whether you eat, whether you drink, or you decide not to. What we want is to make a conscious decision where you are trusting yourself and feeling like the leader in your own life. So I'm not here to tell you to never have a glass of wine or two, or to never eat a muffin. My role here is to really help you make the best choice for you. And if you want to reach a certain goal in terms of your body, then it might mean not complying with some of those desires when you feel high desire for reaching for the thing. So that's what I'm here to help you do. Now think back to when you decided to get in shape or reach a certain weight loss goal or just release some excess fat off your body, get more agile, get more toned, get more lean, whatever that is. When you made that commitment, that decision, you were probably all in. You probably came up with an amazing strategy, a really good plan that you felt it's gonna work, it's science-backed, and you probably calculated how many days it was gonna take you to reach your goal. So you had a day on the calendar and everything seemed like it would go pretty smoothly. Now you might have had some doubts, but in general, you had a plan and you were ready to commit to it, you were ready to follow through at this time. So in this state, your brain was probably feeling pretty optimistic and generally in a good state of mind, you were living in the land of possibility. So what happens? What happens is then we get into real life and there are obstacles, and it's 3 p.m. on a Sunday, and you're a little bit hungry, and you don't want to wait until dinner, or you have something really tempting in front of you, and you're not really hungry, but you have all of this desire. What happened to that land of possibility? Where is that now, right? This is why we don't feel motivated in the moment, and then we comply. Consider that this moment that I'm talking about where you really want it but you really don't. Consider that that is simply an unbalanced or dysregulated state. It's your nervous system being unbalanced or dysregulated. And so that is what we want to take care of. So I want you to code it that way. That's what you can start reframing it as. It's not weakness, it's not a lack of self-discipline, it's not even a problem or an obstacle. It's simply your nervous system needing to come back to balance. Your brain is seeking relief, oftentimes pleasure, but mostly relief. And its favorite choice right now, based on your past, could be food, could be alcohol, could be popcorn, cookies, whatever. I want you to see it as not, oh, I just love food so much. No, your brain just needs relief because of your nervous system. And in that moment, your brain doesn't care about your three-month goal, right? All it cares about is seeking that pleasure or that immediate relief in the moment. Recently, this past weekend, I took Tristan, who's my five-year-old, to a park and we walked and it was a long way. And on the way back, he said, I just want to be home. And I said, I kept saying to him, you know, I know you want to be home. We're on our way home now. We're gonna go straight home. And he just sat down and he said, No, I want to be home now. It's like, I wish I could magically teleport us both home because I don't want to be here either, right? It's kind of like we have to work with our brain like it's a five-year-old. I know you want this food now. And maybe we will have it, right? So, in this situation, I want to give you some tools how to think about this because it can happen. But you almost want to treat your brain in that moment as if it's a toddler. It just wants what it wants immediately, doesn't care about long term, right? Just wants what it wants. So when we are managing your brain or directing and leading your brain, it's going to look a little different. So let's talk about how to lead or direct your brain with intentionality. This is the moment when you check in with yourself and you really attend to yourself. Use the maybe method. The maybe method is simply your first response is maybe. So your brain offers up food or a second helping, and your first response, instead of telling yourself, I can't have that, I shouldn't have that, screw it, I'm just gonna have it, instead of all of that noise, what you can do is just say maybe. What you're doing is you're just slowing things down so that your nervous system can have an opportunity to regulate before you take action, before you make a decision, before you decide to eat it, or you kind of sink into that white knuckling and all of that tension and really into that battle. No, what we want is for you to lead with intentionality. This is why I really recommend you use the maybe method. You just say maybe to yourself. Maybe I will have it. Now, this needs to be legit. This can't be a sneaky way to say no to yourself. So the maybe has to be legit because you want to honor that maybe you set a timer, right? You want to honor that maybe in 10 minutes, you will have it. Like you will have it. If you still want it in 10 minutes, you're gonna have it. So it needs to be real. Now, whether you give yourself 10 minutes, an hour, or 24 hours is completely up to you. There needs to be a time frame there that you can start building that trust with yourself. So when you say maybe, you believe it. So then within that time frame, this is your opportunity to attend to yourself, to check in what is it that you truly need? If your brain is offering up food and it's not in accordance to what serves your what serves your body and yourself the most, there is an emotion there that you are unwilling to experience. Instead of ignoring that and eating, complying, or drinking, what we want to do is start listening. This is an opportunity to listen. This is an opportunity to connect with yourself. What is it that I truly need? Is it one of the fundamental human needs? Is there a need for belonging, for dignity, or safety underlying all of this? Is there a stress response happening? Most likely there is. If you were feeling like you were really in a battle, there's a stress response happening. And that is what needs attention. Then you get to ask that question: how can I come back into balance without immediately turning that signal off, without immediately reaching for the food or the drink. So what if going forward, this is your opportunity now to recode any suggestions to overindulge, any suggestions to overeat or over-drink, that now this was a code, this was a tell. Oh, my inner landscape needs attending to. That's all that this means. And now I know that I'm alerted to that fact. My body has told me based on the desire that I feel, this is such good news because now I can restore that. I can take care of myself in that way. And this requires so much awareness and really a lot of self-respect and self-reverence to do this, to really listen when it doesn't feel so good. But don't disregard this as something abstract or unavailable to you. You absolutely can check in with yourself and have this information. It might take some practice, but it is there. Trust that you can. And what can be really helpful as you are processing any kind of negative emotion because you're not turning to the food and escaping with food or alcohol, what you can do instead is focus on what I call natural pleasures. So we have concentrated pleasure, that would be like alcohol, sugar, flour, like hijacks your brain, right? There's these things called these um real fruit gummies that my kids like, and just the smell of those, I'm like, that is not natural. There is something like intoxicating about the smell of these things. Like that is one thing, yeah. I don't really have any over desire for food anymore, but when I see those or smell those, it's like it'll hijack my brain. This is concentrated pleasure. This is not natural pleasure that you would find without manufactured food. Okay, so think of highly processed food as concentrated pleasure, like pleasure on tap. What we want to do is train your dopamine receptors essentially, train yourself to turn to natural pleasures. Natural pleasures are going to be things that require activation energy on your part, but the more you do them, the more you want to do them. This is like moving your body, drinking water, taking care of your self-care regimen, all of those types of things. Can you go for a walk? Can you do a meditation? These are all natural pleasures. Natural pleasures usually require our senses. And when we can amplify our senses, then there's more pleasure to be had. We don't want to live in a world in which you don't have any pleasure. We just want to add to the pleasure that you're experiencing with food or alcohol with more natural pleasures. So visually, if you think of your senses, visually, how might you lean into natural pleasure? What does the space around you look like? How can you take care of your external environment so that it's more pleasing? Maybe this is an opportunity to tidy up quickly, redecorate, go to Pinterest, get inspired, anything visual that can bring you visual pleasure. Now, if you think about all the senses, you can also use things like using a room spray, perfume, brushing your teeth with like super yummy minty toothpaste, whatever you find very enjoyable or pleasurable. You might think this is sort of um trivial or doesn't have that much impact, but small natural pleasures over time really are a world-building exercise. If you think about leading yourself in a world-building experience, which is what you're doing, you're building your life, you're building your own world. What do you want that world to look like? Do you want to be in a world in which you derive all your pleasure from food and alcohol, where you're in this constant battle, where you're overly obsessed about your body and body image and all of that? Or do you want to create a world in which when it comes to food and alcohol, you feel in charge, you feel grounded, peaceful, at ease. You feel at ease in your body, comfortable on your own skin, and you derive an enormous amount of pleasure from using your other senses, from your visual experience of the world, from the sights, sounds, smells around you. In terms of auditory things, music. Nothing will shift your state like music. Think of music as energy. And then when you shift your energy, when you lean on these natural pleasures, you might notice, oh, I am feeling a little bit more relaxed. I'm not in that battle state when it comes to food and alcohol. Then you might be able to access what's underneath this desire. What is really going on for me? Is it because I had an argument with my spouse this morning? Is it because I'm stressed about a work project? What is underneath this desire for food? It might be significant, it might be very trivial, it might be seemingly insignificant, like, no, I just wanted it for pleasure. Okay, great. We can still solve for that. It just means you'll have the opportunity to lean into more natural pleasure. The world you are creating here is one in which you attend to yourself. You allow any deprivation, self-pity, irritability, or annoyance. You allow it to pass through you. Those are often emotions that we want to avoid or escape from, so we reach for food or alcohol. We want to um lead your brain to such a place where you can really allow those emotions to pass through you. And meanwhile, you are cultivating natural pleasures. This is a world in which you take the utmost care of yourself, physically, emotionally, mentally. So you're leading your thoughts. When your brain says, Oh, I really want that muffin, your response is, oh maybe. This is really interesting that my brain is so hyper-focused on this. When your brain offers thought of like, oh, you have what's the point? Like you have so far to go, anyways. Oh, interesting. My brain is offering up all these unintentional thoughts. An exercise that I really like doing, if I notice my brain start to go more negative, is I'll just put a line down the middle of the page. On the left hand side, I'll write unintentional thoughts. These are all the thoughts that my brain is offering up. Then on the right hand side is intentional thoughts. This is the world building that I talked about. This is where I want to direct or lead my thoughts. This is what I want to be thinking intentionally. So a leader is world building. She has vision. When you're leading, your thoughts are intentional. You're relying on those intentional thoughts. From all the thoughts that you could choose, you're choosing those ones. You're being selective. The next time you overindulge or you feel like you're in that battle, will you become a leader? How can you remind yourself of who you are? Which is the leader, which is the world builder. You're the leader. The wine isn't, the cookies aren't, the muffins aren't. You are the leader. The manager is different. The manager is great. We need a manager, right? The manager was the person who said, listen, if we're gonna have this vision, we're gonna need a plan. What's the checklist? What's the plan of action? But in that moment when you don't want to live up to following through on the plan, that's when you're gonna need to rely on leading yourself. So don't just plan for what you will be doing. Plan for who you need to be in order to follow through on that. Who you will be in that moment. And then let yourself be great. Let yourself rise to the occasion and you will do it. Okay, I hope that was helpful, and I'll see you again next time. Bye.