186 The Identity Gap That Keeps You Overindulging

We often overindex on tactics to release excess weight - like eating less sugar or cutting down on the wine. What’s easily overlooked is the identity we need to embody in order to follow through on those tactics and then make them a natural part of our lives so we can maintain the physical transformation. 

You’ll learn:

• The 3 pillars that comprise your identity gap that you must change your current identity and reach your goal 
• How to use identity work to maintain your results once you’ve released weight
• The 2 most important identity questions to ask yourself when you see someone else who has the body, habits or relationship with food that you admire

• Instagram: @mindful_shape
• Get the FREE Building Momentum 4 Part Video Training
• Free Self Coaching Resources
• Interested in getting coached by me? Go to my website mindfulshape.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi and welcome to the Mind Pull Shape Podcast. My name is Paula Parker, and my work is here to offer you specialized tools, practices, and frameworks to help you step into the next version of you, one in which you feel in charge around food, great in your body, and more connected to yourself. So today we are talking about identity and there's a gap between the version of you who feels like you are in charge around food and indulging when it's appropriate, and the other point where you feel like you're out of control or you're overindulging with food or alcohol. And we are going to talk about that gap and how to close that gap. So, why is identity relevant here? Well, we often get caught up in the strategy or what I think of as tactics, like only what to do. So your meal plan or your macros or your calories or your workouts, all of those things that are helpful and that you need to do in order to get what you want. But we don't focus so much on who we need to be in order to do those things because you can have the most amazing strategy in the world, but if you're not able to follow through on it, it's pretty much useless. So if your strategy is seemingly doable, but you are having a hard time doing it, then we need to focus less externally and more internally. So you can think of this idea of identity and tactics as an iceberg. So in that iceberg, the tactics or the strategy is on top and the identity is the foundation, it's the bottom. Identity is really focusing on you and who you are being to follow through on this amazing strategy. We've all heard these stories of lottery winners. So I want to tell you an interesting story about a lottery winner that lost it all. Okay, so there was this guy, his name was William Bud Post. Apparently, he went as Bud. And in the 80s, he won over 16 million dollars. And then he spent it on houses, he spent it on businesses, he spent it on cars, he gave it away to friends and family. His brother reportedly hired a hitman in an attempt to get part of his fortune. And then a few years later, he declared bankruptcy. When he died in 2006, he had only a tiny bit of the jackpot left. How is this possible? You could imagine for yourself. You're like, that would never happen. If I won $16 million, that would be it. I would invest, I would be smart with it, right? That might be because your identity around being good with money or being able to be responsible or manage money, your self-concept, your identity there is very high. In a case like this, it shows us that we can change our external environment so we can have more money or we can get into a smaller body. But if we haven't changed who we are being, our identity, we'll lose it. We'll gain the weight back, we'll lose the money. When bud, when William Post was asked what the lottery had done for him, he said, I wish it had never happened. We don't want that to be you. We want you to engage in your body transformation journey and on the other side say, I am so proud of myself, and I have changed as a result of this process. For having had this goal, I've become a better person. So let's talk about identity because you're going to need to shift your identity in order to sustain your results. When I talk about identity, I mean two parts. One is your personality. So this is how you might describe yourself to others. This includes labels like your astrological sign, different roles you play, like a wife or a mother. It also includes your personal standards. How you interact with food, when you go to the store, are you gonna steal something or not? Right, these are your personal standards, how much you exercise, whether you like intense workouts or you more of a walker, and you like gentle yoga. It's how you think about yourself, your self-concept. Also, is things like characteristics. Do you think of yourself as somebody who is a people person, really outgoing, or are you somebody who's introverted? These are just characteristics. This is part of your identity, how you think about yourself, how you label yourself, and again, how you would describe yourself to others, or how others might talk about you. This is the personality component. Then there's more of a what I think of as a core self, which, depending on your belief system, may stay with you beyond lifetimes. That is also part of your identity. The core self may never change, but the personality part that is much more fluid. It's going to change based on who you're with, the context. It's also going to change the time of day or where you are in your cycle if you're still menstruating. So all very powerful, labels are powerful, characteristics, how we talk about ourselves, how we think about ourselves, all very powerful, but also constructed and changeable. Let's talk about how identity fits into things and why it matters. So think of your identity as essentially the starting point. From your identity evolves your perspective on life, on the situation or the circumstances that happen to you. So you have thoughts based on that perspective, that identity. Then your thoughts generate feelings, you feel a certain way, and your feelings dictate what you do or what you don't do. So your actions. And then the results in your life are created from those actions. The results that we have, then we form an identity around. So it reaffirms that identity loop. The results that you create, for example, with your weight, you will start to think of yourself as somebody who struggles with food, somebody who is active, somebody who is a little overweight, whatever that is, it like reaffirms your identity. The point I really want to get to here is that your identity matters because it influences every aspect of your behavior and how you feel and how you think, and it is changeable because it's constructed. So consider that your identity could be influencing your results without you even knowing it. Let's think of an example. So let's say you think of yourself as somebody who struggles with food. You've been struggling with food and weight or had body issues your whole life. It's hard for you to imagine it to be any other way. And then you get home on a Friday night and you're stressed, you might be thinking it's permissible to turn to food or alcohol. It's permissible, it's within your personal standards. It's okay to overindulge. Maybe that's overindulging on the weekends or you're snacking in the evening. It's not outside of the realm of possibility for you to be doing that. You might not love it, you might be hoping to change it, but again, this is normal. It's very familiar behavior to you because why? It's part of your identity. That is changeable. Now I want to shift gears a little bit. I want you to bring to mind somebody who in your mind has this figured out. Maybe they have the body that you want, maybe they have the fitness level that you want, or the relationship with food that you really admire and that you would like to achieve for yourself. Okay, so bring them to mind. Think of this person. We're going to refer to this person as an expander. This is somebody who, for you conceptually, is expanding what is possible. Now, when you bring this person to mind and you have some mixed feelings, that's totally okay. So you might have some frustration that it's seemingly easier for them than it is for you. You could have some jealousy, envy, some self-pity that this is not your situation or you find it so hard. It's just not fair. That's totally fine. Simply put that aside for the moment. That's a good sign, actually, if it brings up emotion for you, because it means there's emotional resonance for you and you've chosen well. Now answer these two questions. How do you think they physically feel in their body? And number two, how do you think they feel about their body? So both physically, how do they feel? And then emotionally, what do they feel when they think about their body? So physically, maybe it's agile, strong, light on their feet, at ease, comfortable emotionally, maybe it's confident, proud, at ease, grounded, joyful, secure, content, peaceful. You will never have their exact body. Sorry to tell you, you will never have their exact body. But what you will have is what you just brought to mind is physically feeling that way and emotionally feeling that way. That is destined for you. Otherwise, you wouldn't want it. I truly believe that. And this is what is waiting for you on the other side of that identity gap. So now we know where we're headed. And in contrast, you might be able to get more clear on where you are right now. Because if you think of that person and think of what they are physically and emotionally experiencing in their body, it might bring into contrast your personal experience. So physically, how are you feeling in your body most days? Do you feel achy or stiff or tightness in your joints? Do you notice that the extra weight you're carrying impedes your movement when you are trying to be active or physical? You can feel that heaviness, you can feel the excess on your body and it slows you down. Maybe your clothes are pinching or feeling a little bit tight. How are you feeling physically in your body? And then how are you feeling emotionally when you think about your body? Is there frustration there? Is there rejection? Is there any kind of embarrassment or self-loathing? If you've recently lost weight and you are feeling good about that, but you are scared that you're going to gain the weight back, and what will people say or what will people think? People will judge you. When you think about your body, what are the emotions that come up for you? Do you feel doubt that you can really make significant changes with your body? If you really check in, what's the level of doubt there? There could be an undercurrent of disbelief that it will ever really change, that you can really physically change your body. You might have a mental weight set point where you think, well, maybe I can get here, but like I can't live in like my most desired body. That's not available to me. You want to question that. Question why you would choose to believe that. Do you notice that you try to disconnect from yourself or your body through food and alcohol? So maybe you're in a social situation and you're feeling a little self-conscious. Do you use food to mitigate that discomfort? Do you have a glass of wine to mitigate that discomfort? Do you use food and alcohol as relief? If so, this is great news, okay? You're in the right place because now you understand it. You are not thinking that you need to how somehow summon up willpower or self-discipline, because that's not the problem. The problem is a brain that is seeking relief from that emotional pain. And so then now you have a really clear-eyed view of what problem to solve. The problem of seeking relief from what you're experiencing with food and alcohol. And then when you get really good at it, people around you will say, Wow, you have so much self-discipline. You have so much willpower. And you'll just smile and nod because you just know that's not the case and you are just living in a completely different paradigm. Okay, so now we know where you are and where you are going. I want you to take solace in that the only difference between where you are now and where you are going, that new identity, is how you are thinking, feeling, and behaving on a regular basis. That is the only difference. When you look at your expander, she is likely thinking differently, feeling differently, and acting differently than you are now. Your job is to simply take your best guess at what that might be and then do that. Now let's use an example. So let's just say you are home alone one evening and you want to relax, and your brain offers up the suggestion of indulging a little bit with some food. Maybe that's a bag of chips that you know is there, uh popcorn, or the remaining bottle of wine that you have on the counter. Okay, now if your identity is such that you believe yourself to be somebody who needs food, needs to over-indulge with food or alcohol to relax, to have pleasure, to enjoy the movie or to unwind, you are going to be much more likely to overindulge. If you are somebody who thinks, you know what, I trust myself. I'm in control. I always know I'm in control because nobody else's hand is putting the food or alcohol to my face. I only eat or drink what serves me, and I can take it or leave it, and every new bite is a decision, and you believe yourself to be that, and you think those thoughts intentionally, you might have something to indulge, you might not, but it you won't be in a battle about it, and you won't overindulge. If your identity is I am somebody with a sweet tooth, I am someone who once I start, I can't stop. I'm somebody who struggles with overeating or drinking wine. I am somebody who needs a lot of food. It's like a volume issue. I need a lot of food to feel satisfied. I think indulging is wrong or bad, or I shouldn't be doing it. It's not okay. And it's because of that, it's more enjoyable to eat alone, or it's more enjoyable to eat in secret because there's no witnesses, there's nobody there to watch or judge. But of course, you are judging, otherwise, you wouldn't feel that sense of pleasure and enjoyment by being the only person that's there in the room. When that is your identity, you are going to experience high desire, high permissiveness. And then, of course, you are more likely to take action on that feeling and overindulge. You might also feel rebellious or powerful in a sense, in a more of an irreverent way, because you're doing something you really shouldn't be doing. That is also very compelling about the situation. And if you see yourself as somebody who engages in this kind of behavior, this is going to be normal to you. And again, you're going to be likely to overindulge. Who I'm speaking to, who I'm calling forth, is the version of you who really is take it or leave it when it comes to food, who gets most of your enjoyment. Again, some enjoyment from food and alcohol, totally fine. But you get most of your enjoyment from what I think of as natural pleasures. You can relax without these things. You can derive pleasure from your life without food and alcohol as well. You are the kind of person who can just take it or leave it when it comes to any kind of food, when it comes to sweet food, salty food, homemade baking, all of it. And if you don't believe that about yourself right now, take on the identity of a learner. You are learning, right? In yoga, what do they call it? Beginner's mind. Take on the identity of I am learning how to lean into natural pleasures. I am learning how to relax with a bath or a shower or a walk instead of a bowl of popcorn in a movie. I am learning how to watch a movie without eating or drinking anything. And step into that learning mindset if you can't step into that full identity yet, which would be totally normal. And what I encourage you to do, notice those times when the identity holds true, when you do eat in moderation, when you do make the healthy choice when you could have made a different option. You want to highlight that for your brain so that you're reminding yourself, there are many times in my life where I do step into that identity because your brain will want to kind of cling on to that old identity because it's just more familiar. So to conversely, you want to highlight there are so many times in which you are reinforcing that take it or leave it person, that healthier version of you. But here's what you need to know because in that gap between the old version, like the before picture, and the after, is the dark in between. And it can really suck here. It can be hard. There can be lots of discomfort because you haven't fully embodied this person quite yet. There's going to be good days where it all feels really easy, and then there's going to be bad days when it feels like that old identity is very strong. That's okay, that's part of the process. Lean into it. I did a whole episode on the dark in between. It's 182, so you can go back and listen to that one. But anytime you can remember what is the intentional thinking that I have? What are the thoughts, feelings, and actions of my new identity? And how can I lean more into those versus the old thoughts, feelings, and actions that are coming from that old identity and then reinforcing that old identity. So what's inside of that identity gap are simply thoughts, feelings, and actions. And while you may not have control over what the number on the scale is gonna say tomorrow or the exact day of the calendar that you are going to see your desired body, what you do have control over is your thoughts, feelings, and actions. That is what you can direct, and that is where you want to focus so that over time your identity really does shift. Okay, I hope that was helpful, and I'll see you again next time. Bye.