188 Stop Fighting Yourself: 9 Reframes for Lasting Body Transformation

Releasing excess body fat, getting stronger and getting healthier doesn’t require more discipline, more restriction, or trying harder, but learning to relate to yourself differently.

In this episode, I explore 9 reframes that change the way you approach your body, food, emotions, and the process of body transformation.

These mindset/paradigm shifts will move you from resistance to relationship aka from fighting yourself to working with yourself so that instead of feeling like a drag, it feels empowering to make healthy choices.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, and welcome to the Mindful Shape Podcast. My name is Paula Parker. Today I wanted to talk about how we can move from resistance and move toward relationship. I don't know about you, but the month of August for me, when I'm filming this, when I'm recording this, is tends to be like January for me for some reason, tends to be a what I almost think of as a composting month. This is a month where my energy is lower, my motivation is lower. I have to spend more time taking care of my thinking, like attending to my body, attending to my mind than I normally would, just to achieve baseline. And so I thought what I would do is put together some ways of approaching this that I am finding helpful in terms of reframes. So some ways that you might be thinking about what you are going through in your body transformation journey right now that are not serving you, where it's kicking up a lot of resistance and weighing you down. If so, I just want to normalize that and also let you know that this could be happening as it is for me, in just a more general sense. It doesn't have to be specific to your weight loss journey or your health journey. It might be, and that's what I'm going to focus on today, but just to also broaden the scope a little bit to see in what ways might you be able to apply this to any time when you're just, it seems like you're just noticing, wow, my energy is lower or my mindset is going a little bit more negative than it used to be. Essentially, all of those things that I normally do feel harder. My goals, I don't feel as excited about them. It takes a lot to kind of summon all of that enthusiasm up. I think we go through these rhythms, we go through ebbs and flows, and it can be helpful to identify what times of the year for you this tends to come up so that you can prepare for it and so that we can address it. Not that it's a problem, but that, oh, this is part of my own internal natural rhythms and journey. So let's dive in. If you are prepared to really challenge some deeply held assumptions about weight loss, body transformation, hunger, emotions, commitment, all the things, then this is gonna be a good episode for you. The first one is I have to do this versus I get to. So this shows up in a broad sense in terms of, oh, I have to get healthy, I have to lose weight, or I have to build muscle or become more agile, I have to take care of my body, or I have to eat better, versus I get to do those things. So it shows up broadly, but it also shows up in I have to skip dessert or I have to not get ice cream when everybody's getting ice cream so broadly and then more specific. So you can zoom out with it or you can zoom in with it, but the overarching point I want to make is we just need to remind ourselves that we get to do this, like we get to take on this challenge. There are many challenges that we'll experience that you already have experienced and gone through, just being a human on this planet, and this is not one you actually have to take on. You could decide, you know what, it's fine. I can still, for the most part, function in my life with a habit of overeating, being five to 50 pounds overweight, over my natural weight, or over, you know, if you could wave a magic wand, whatever that weight would be. You can still function, you can still operate, you can still take care of loved ones, you can still um have an occupation or do your work in the world. This is all possible while overeating, even while um eating to physical discomfort, it's still possible to function in your life. And yet, it's probably not good enough for you. You have higher standards for yourself, right? So it might be less about the result or like fitting into a certain size of clothes, although that can be really fun. What you get to do is challenge yourself to operate or have live up to that standard. So to make choices that are harder, to get in tune with how you are thinking and feeling so that you can make behavioral change. So if you didn't have that end goal in mind, you might not be willing to do that, but you get to do it because feeling good in your body energetically, physically, emotionally is a priority, and you get to do what is required to have that. Like you get to do that. It's such a privilege to be able to do that. For most of you watching, listening to this, it is not a case where you are in survival mode, it's not a case in which you are in a war-torn country. You really get to focus on, of course, issues and things that you care about in your world, but you also have the luxury of taking on this body journey and and really seeing it as a privilege can help. It's not something you have to do, it's something you get to do. Okay, let's move on to point two. Point two is going from thoughts are facts to thoughts are tools. I want you to start thinking, or I want to offer that you could think of your thoughts as tools. So, like any tool, right? You can use a hammer, you can use it to smash a window or build a birdhouse. What will we use it for? Now, oftentimes we have thoughts that are unintentional. And if we are not aware of them, then they run amok. They're kind of like toddler with a sharpie. And so thinking about them as tools allows you to direct some of your thinking. So, for example, if you were direct your thinking from point one from I have to to I get to, you might be able to alleviate some of the pressure that you're experiencing. You might be able to decide, I can do this without rushing, I can do this without pressure, I don't have to do this. This is a choice that I'm making. I'm doing this for me. This is not something, something that's happening to oppress me or something that I feel like I have to do in order to accept myself. I get to do it because I know I'm capable of it and I want to see what's possible for me, and I want to have this experience. I want the experience of the challenge and I want the experience of the reward. I want both. So I'm willing to put myself there. Notice how it's like so different in terms of how you are thinking. By default, it might feel like you're coming from a place of self-loathing, or like, I really don't like how I look, or I don't how like how I look in that picture. And so I need to change. This needs to happen, and then it feels a lot of pressure, or I need to look a certain way by this date because there's a wedding or something that I'm going to, and then we feel rushed and we feel panicky and we feel a lot of pressure versus no, I'm gonna direct my thinking and decide this is how I'm going to think about myself at that wedding, regardless of if I can fit into this size or this size. I get to direct my thinking about that. Okay. Okay, point three is emotion is a problem or irrelevant, and then going toward emotion is key to transformation. Emotion is information, it's information from the body. So we know there are two types of awareness: there's conceptual awareness and there's embodied awareness. So conceptual awareness is I have two hands, right? I'm holding this little squeeze ball. Embodied awareness is how does it feel when I squeeze my hand? That's embodied awareness of that feeling. The definition of embodied awareness, the precise definition, is present moment, non-judgmental awareness or attention to sensation, emotion, or movement. And it's really a skill that we can hone. You can get better at it. So, how is emotion key to transformation? Well, this embodied awareness helps us develop the skill of being able to attend to the present moment, what we are experiencing, the sensation in our bodies in that present moment. And what is emotion? It's sensation in the body. The classic one is think of heartbreak. If you were ever heartbroken, you've experienced that as a physical hurt inside your chest or inside your solar plexus, right? You can probably recall that. So we know we are heartbroken because of how we, because of sense data, because how we are feeling in our whole body. So transformation comes from the present moment. We it comes from that moment when you are feeling that urge to go for more food that you don't need. When you are feeling that urge to say, screw it, I'm gonna have a second glass of wine. When it comes to that urge of saying, Well, I've already eaten some, I might as well just, you know, today is just gonna be a write-off, and you just overeat and eat throughout the whole day. Comes from that, that present moment of making that choice. That's when change happens. Now, of course, what we think of is like we think, okay, I'm gonna make this like huge change in my life. I'm gonna decide and make one big decision, and that's not change. Change is Tuesday afternoon at 3 p.m. when your body's like, hey, I could go for a snack. And hey, I'm not saying don't go for a snack, that may be what you need to do, but you want to be checking in, right, with your embodied awareness of hunger. Are you physically hungry? To what degree are you physically hungry? Is this something where you actually don't really need more calories? What you need is hydration or you just need a break. Most likely that's the case. Of course, now sometimes there might be a case where you do need a snack at 3 p.m., go for it, right? We want to we want to be feeding our bodies. But to be able to hone that difference between what is a physical need of more food and what is an emotional need is gonna be key. What happens is if we see emotion as a problem, we might feel bored or dread or unease or anxiety. And then instead of allowing that to be there or seeing that as, oh, this is an opportunity to attend to myself and transform in that way by being able to expand your capacity to process emotion. What we tend to do is see that unease, that stress as a problem that needs to be stopped. And our brains get into the habit of saying, How about a snack? A snack could distract you enough so that you're not feeling stressed anymore or you're not feeling anxious. And then we do this enough, it becomes so um, you know, on autopilot for us because it's our implicit memory that gets built over time. And then this is why it feels like you're you're just doing it on all autopilot because essentially it is you've built that system. And number four is really related, which is that negative emotion is the enemy. One of the most important things that I learned from one of my teachers was this idea of the 50-50 emotional experience. Now, I really resisted this for a very long time because I thought I don't want 50% negative and 50% positive. I want at least 80 to 20. But I have found that no matter what goal I achieve, whether it is to do with my body, whether it is to get married or have kids or buy a house or start a business, even when those goals have been achieved, it is still 50-50. So I have so much evidence that that is the case. I still have bad days. I still have days where I'm tired, I still have days where I'm in a bad mood. It doesn't seem to matter what goal I achieve or how I change my circumstances. I still am living this 50-50 emotional experience. So that is proof for my brain that it doesn't matter if I, you know, build a business that earns a million dollars, if I move into my dream house, if I, you know, have the most amazing body that I could ever imagine for myself, yeah, I'm still going to be experiencing that 50-50. So I hope that's helpful for you in terms of when you are experiencing negative emotion in the moment, is to just recognize, oh, this is the 50-50. Nothing has gone wrong. This is the part of the day, of the week, of the month, of my life that is on that negative side of the 50-50. So emotion, that negative emotion is not the enemy, it's just kind of like the way we are as humans. It's the human experience. Number five is that this reframe is really going from if I just had enough knowledge, then I would be able to do it. And this is a tricky one because it's partly true. We do need to have information, we do need to have enough good quality information to be able to come up with a strategy and make a plan and make some decisions to move forward. But I want to offer that knowledge is not enough in and of itself. So the reframe here is okay, I I know what I need to be doing, and so I should just do it. That knowledge is enough versus or moving toward embodied knowledge is what creates change. So, what is embodied knowledge? I referenced this earlier already, which is this is implicit memory. This is not only I know what to do, but it feels natural for me to do it. Embodied knowledge or implicit memory, I'll give you an example. If you've ever had the situation in which you had to think of your password, you were prompted to do your password on your computer, but you couldn't remember it, but your fingers knew it. You could type it out, even though your logical brain, your explicit memory, couldn't recall it. That's implicit memory. Or maybe you've had the situation in which somebody asks you to spell something and you can't tell them the letters, but you can write it down on paper and then be able to tell them. That's implicit memory. That's embodied knowledge. It's like your body knows it. And so what happens oftentimes is we really beat ourselves up because we think, I know how to eat healthy, I know what to do, I'm just not doing it. Therefore, it means something about me. I'm lazy, or um, you know, I lack self-discipline, or it's not meant for me, or my body just likes to stay at this, at this certain weight, where all of that typically what I have found in my experience with clients is just not true. There is this, like what I call a dark in-between, where you're on your way to identity shifting, where you have the knowledge, you have the strategy, and you start to implement it. But just before you start to see the results, you give up. And so before you can develop that embodied knowledge where it just becomes who you are and what you do, you've given up. And so you don't ever get to develop that embodied knowledge. So knowing what to do is not enough. You need to even incorporate some of the reframes that I'm offering here today to be able to stick with it long enough that it becomes natural, that it becomes embodied. And this, of course, is an internal, deeper, more lasting change that happens. But once it happens, it's much easier to keep the weight off. So, one of the things that I'm tracking when I work with clients privately in coaching or in group coaching, one of the things that I'm tracking is what feels most natural to them. Because there typically is a tipping point in which they will have an episode in which they overeat or they overindulge. But what they will say about that is that it feels so unlike themselves, that it's such a departure with one, how they normally operate, and two, their self-concept, how they see themselves. So there can be even can be, it can feel even more negative in that state because it's they're still not used to it. They're not used to physically feeling like bloated or heavy, and they can feel like they've, you know, taken in more than they've needed. And that can be very jarring. Why? Because it's outside of their norm. Because they've embodied that new way of living, that new way of eating, that new way of thinking about themselves. So one of the things we want to track is if that feels abnormal, great. This can be a really great sign. And even though you're you might think, well, I overate, like that's not a great sign, I'm moving backwards. No, if it feels very out of your normal, then that's a great sign. It's a signal of change, it's an indication that you're you're becoming the person that you really want to be, right? And of course, we don't have to be perfect all of the time. Number six is that we move from hunger is an emergency or a problem to hunger is a communication system within the body. So what I've what I've experienced recently is more hunger. Why? Because I am working out my body in a different way. I'm also eating differently. So I've increased my carbohydrates, which I notice triggers more hunger than when I was eating more fat. I've also increased the intensity and duration of my workouts. Now, because I am I have a healthy metabolism, right? I will experience more hunger. This is not a problem. I can answer this hunger. I can answer it with more fiber, I can answer it with eating more often, I can answer it with more um, you know, vegetables, with making sure that I'm hydrated, with and to a certain extent, more food in general. But when it comes to hunger, oftentimes we see this as a problem, and even the slightest little bit of hunger, we will go for a snack. When we have to remember that there's certain times when you want to experience hunger. You likely want to experience hunger in the morning before you eat food. Anytime before you eat food, you want to experience hunger. Now, uh what I always remind people is that there's two components to hunger. There is the physical desire that needs to be there. You need to have a physical desire. This is like stomach growling or feeling like an empty feeling in your body vessel. That is an indication that it's time to eat. But there also needs to be an emotional desire for food, right? So it can't be one or the other. So I give you an example of like when you're going to bed at night, you might feel a little twinge of hunger. Now, if you are very hungry, this is not ideal. If it's interrupting with your sleep, it probably means you didn't have a balanced dinner. In that case, a snack might be a good idea. I'm not going to tell you what to do, right? I'm not a nutritionist. It's not my area of expertise. But what I will say is that a little bit of like emptiness in your stomach when you go to bed is completely natural and normal. You don't want to be going to bed with a full stomach or feeling super full and feeling heavy in your body because it that also disrupts your sleep. But you might notice that you don't have any desire for food. Yes, could you take in some food physically? Yeah, there's room, but you don't have any desire for food. So this is not a time to eat. What we want is to have both of those matching. The problem is that if you are overeating due to an overdesire for food, you're not paying that much close attention to am I physically hungry and how do I respond to that physical hunger? We want to encourage your body to Eat an appropriate amount of food so that you are then hungry again at your next meal. You want to be eating a balanced diet so that you do experience physical hunger and it's not a problem. Your body can adjust, your body can take care of its needs, right? We have like 30 meals on our bodies. If your body doesn't get the food right at that exact moment, what you'll notice is your physical hunger actually dies down in a wave. Why? Because your body is utilizing its fat stores. So it's not a problem. You can just wait until your next meal. So long-winded point to essentially say hunger is not an emergency. It's a communication signal from your body as a suggestion to eat. And you can answer it with food or you can answer it with your body's fat stores. Number seven is what I see a lot in what I also contend with. I think it's just a human pattern of thinking, which is all or nothing thinking. So if you've ever reflected and said to yourself, wow, I'm really either all in when it comes to eating and working out, or I'm just off the rails and all out. And that you are able to move yourself up and down that continuum, and that it makes sense to move yourself up and down that continuum. My sister was here recently, she was visiting me. Would I characterize my eating and working out as all in while she was here? No. But I was able to move myself down on the continuum so that I was still committed deep down to feeling good in my body and making healthy choices, moving my body, maybe not in the way that I would when she's not visiting, when I don't, you know, have company at my house, but I'm able to direct where I am on that continuum. That's what I want to offer to you is that a balanced life is being a little unbalanced, right? Sometimes. But that you don't have to go off the rails and be all out, and that you really start to notice where your brain wants to characterize your behavior as being all in or all out. And instead, I'm gonna offer you this reframe that no, it was actually never like that. You're just kind of thinking of it that way. But actually, what may be more true is that you move yourself up and down the continuum. And just by offering yourself that gradient, those degrees, it will feel easier to move yourself up when you want to, and then move yourself down when you want to. Number eight is that celebration goes from being a reward to being part of the transformation process. This is something that I have really thought about a lot in the last few months, I would say. It's something that I've intuited. So there was always something off about for me releasing us like hitting a certain goal weight or something, and then saying, okay, this is when I'm gonna reward myself. Something always just felt a little bit mean about that, like a little bit cruel. Um, that was just my maybe not for you, maybe it felt super motivating throughout your journey. But I prefer to think of making this whole journey as delightful and interesting and fun as possible. And for me, that means not grinding it out until you reach the reward and then having this big celebration, but rather that you look for ways along the way to celebrate. For me, that helps me stay in momentum. It also, I think, helps prevent self-sabotage because it is hard to white knuckle your way there the entire time. And oftentimes it can be a long road on this body transformation journey. And so if there are ways that you can incorporate celebration, even the smallest things, and by celebration, I just mean sometimes just self-acknowledgement, just acknowledging, seeing what you are doing. As humans, we are just not good at this. We are just not good at this. We typically need somebody else to show us, you know, last week you did this, and this week you showed up for your workout, and you you lifted heavy when you didn't feel like doing it, or you said no to that second glass of wine, or you made the healthy choice at the restaurant, and you didn't have to do that. Like, we need to acknowledge those little wins and celebrate ourselves. So, how might you celebrate along the entire way? I think this is part of this really important piece of transformation, which is having, which is having the reward before we have the full reward. The reason being is that we want to become the person who has it. So we can't just push it off and pretend like we don't have it until the like the full picture comes into play. Does that make sense? It's like we want to practice the having of it, practice seeing ourselves that way, changing our self-concept as we go. And part of that journey is really celebrating. And then the last one is really just what I hear a lot, which is people will often see a certain uh number in the scale, and then think, my body just really likes to be at this weight because I can release five pounds, but then my body always goes back to this weight. And they have heard of this idea of weight set point, and they just think that this is where my body likes to be. And what I want to encourage you to remember is that we have more control over this than we might think. Now, yes, is there a genetic component? Is there different bodies that react and respond to food differently? I believe so, yes. And also, we have a lot of influence over that weight set point, and we can change our weight set point based on our muscle mass, so based on our movement, and based on our diet. Your weight set point can change and it will change based on what you do and how you show up. And then what you'll notice is of course, it wants to go back up to that, say you lose three pounds, it goes back up, that's normal. What you'll notice is that it will eventually go back down again and then it will stay there. That's when you change your weight set point. So my last point was just to really remind you that your weight set point is changeable. Okay, so in summary, let's go over the points real quick. First one is I have to to I get to. The second one is thoughts are not facts, they are tools. The third one is emotions are not problems, they are information. Negative emotion is not an enemy, it's a guide, right? It's information. There's a difference between having knowledge and embodying knowledge. Hunger is not an emergency. Hunger, again, is information. It sends data, it's a gestion to eat. We want to move from all or nothing thinking to moving yourself up and down on that continuum of being all in or all out. Celebration as a reward to celebration as part of a regular part of the process. And then lastly, that your weight set point is changeable. It's not fixed. You have influence over it. Okay, I hope that was helpful for you today. And I will talk to you again next time. Okay, bye.